1
00:00:03,921 --> 00:00:06,673
(SINGING) The Simpsons

2
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:08,800
(TIRES SCREECHING)

3
00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:11,511
D'oh!

4
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:12,762
(SCREAMS)

5
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,055
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

6
00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:16,891
(RINGING)

7
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,076
Hey.

8
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,953
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

9
00:00:40,416 --> 00:00:41,833
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

10
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,711
Want a chocolate?

11
00:00:44,795 --> 00:00:47,714
Hold it right there,
Forrest Plump!

12
00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:51,467
This town has laws
against impersonating
movie characters.

13
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,428
Oh, behave!

14
00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,556
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

15
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,102
"Luke, I am your father."

16
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,645
(LAUGHING)

17
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,565
"Shagadellic."

18
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:08,109
What are you doing
here anyway?

19
00:01:08,193 --> 00:01:11,237
Waiting for my wife.
She has a surprise
for me.

20
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,364
Hey, hey, hey.
I didn't ask for
your life story.

21
00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:15,324
Did you say life story?

22
00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:23,124
Things started out great.
I ate what my mother ate.

23
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,711
And my mother loved chili.
Then suddenly...

24
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,297
(SCREAMING)

25
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:32,091
Let go! Let go!

26
00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,135
Wow. Tell me some more.

27
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,803
Don't you have
criminals to catch?

28
00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:37,930
Hey, I'm working on it. We...

29
00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:41,517
We got an undercover guy
who's infiltrating the mob.

30
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:42,769
Oh, there he is now.

31
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:45,772
Hey, Pete! Pete!
They fixed the
Coke machine!

32
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,607
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

33
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:48,775
Now where were we?

34
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:51,319
My father and I
were never
really close.

35
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:55,114
"Jack and Jill
went up the hill and...

36
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:58,201
"Jill came tumbling after.
The end." Good night.

37
00:01:58,285 --> 00:02:01,287
Is that the same Jack from
Jack And The Beanstalk?

38
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:02,789
You know, Son,
I believe it is.

39
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,249
And Jack Sprat,
is that him, too?

40
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,127
Say, how about
a little NyQuil?

41
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,588
All gone. Hmm.

42
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:15,885
I never found
true happiness
until I met Marge.

43
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:19,138
Excuse me.
Is this Room 106?

44
00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:21,098
Hey, who's that?

45
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,559
I... I don't know.

46
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,019
(CLOSE TO YOU PLAYING)

47
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:28,898
Why do birds
suddenly appear

48
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:34,987
Every time you are near?

49
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:40,493
Just like me
they long to be

50
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,328
Hi. Would you
like to go...

51
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,579
She's mine!

52
00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:46,666
HOMER: We'd do
everything together.

53
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,793
(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

54
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,503
Ooh!

55
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,547
(SHOUTING IN FEAR)

56
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,131
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

57
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,641
Wow. A '50s
nostalgia cafe.

58
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,103
(LAUGHING)

59
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,439
Well, well, well!

60
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:14,902
I have never seen such
reckless disregard for a
wife's well-being in my life.

61
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:17,363
You just won yourselves
a motorcycle!
Whoo-hoo!

62
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,991
HOMER: And life just
gets more exciting.

63
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:23,744
Marge, can we trade?
I don't trust these guys.

64
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:26,205
We've gotta get home
before someone sees us.

65
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:30,209
You know, all
this danger is kind
of a turn... Okay.

66
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:35,298
Then came the day
that changes every
couple forever.

67
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:37,675
The day we got
our elephant.

68
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,177
(YAWNING)

69
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,055
(GASPING)

70
00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,391
(GASPING)

71
00:03:45,934 --> 00:03:47,643
(EXCLAIMING)

72
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,645
(TRUMPETING)

73
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:55,776
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

74
00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,489
While I wait for my family,
I'll tell you about the time
my baby shot my boss.

75
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,366
Hey, that's great,
but I gotta get going.

76
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:06,287
Whoa! There's a whole
'nother row of
these bad boys!

77
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,622
Keep talking.

78
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,582
It's time for
your surprise, Dad.

79
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,125
Yeah. Hop in, Homer.

80
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:15,838
Ah. The family car.
We've been through
a lot together.

81
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,674
(CLANKING)

82
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:23,346
(TRUCK HONKING)

83
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,933
Get off the road,
you freaking maniac!

84
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,352
Yeah, you jackass!

85
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,606
Homer, maybe
I should drive.

86
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,358
What? I can see fine.

87
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:36,692
(CARS HONKING)

88
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:39,528
(EXCLAIMING)

89
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,740
(KIDS SCREAMING)

90
00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,327
HOMER: That had
nothing to do
with the bucket.

91
00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,538
Homer, you genius!

92
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:52,959
Geronimo!

93
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,546
Huh?

94
00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:00,049
(SCREAMING)

95
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:05,721
Now before we get there,
you have to put
this blindfold on.

96
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,142
(GASPING) All my
other senses
are getting sharper.

97
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:11,310
(SNIFFING)

98
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,229
Bart, you had
pizza for lunch.

99
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,481
(SNIFFING) Lisa, you're
extremely depressed.

100
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,525
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
As if.

101
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,991
Hey, Homer,
do you remember
this voice?

102
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:27,660
Kathleen Turner!
(PURRING)

103
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,745
No! It's me, Krusty!

104
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,623
And you're
at the Springfield
Friars Club

105
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:36,544
where tonight
we're roasting you,
Homer Simpson!

106
00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:38,629
(ALL CHEERING)

107
00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,881
Are the proceeds
going to charity?

108
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,258
(SCOFFING) Hell, no!

109
00:05:42,426 --> 00:05:43,467
Whoo-hoo!

110
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,474
We're all here tonight
for one reason.

111
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:53,060
To keep Homer
away from the buffet!

112
00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:54,770
(LAUGHING)

113
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,022
Excellent.

114
00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:59,108
(GASPING)
That was at
my expense!

115
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,402
What kind of
a roast is this?

116
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:04,739
Now I'd like to read some
telegrams from people
who couldn't make it.

117
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:06,699
First we have Mark Spitz.

118
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,367
Who's Mark Spitz?

119
00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:09,952
What's a telegram?

120
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,537
Oh, forget it!

121
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:15,166
I gotta get to the hot wings
before the Comic Book Guy.

122
00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:20,546
"You know, Lisa.
They say father
knows best."

123
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,048
"That's true, Bart."

124
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:25,051
(READING)

125
00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,554
(LAUGHING)

126
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:29,597
Excellent.

127
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:33,809
But seriously, we've
had a lot of fun with
our dad over the years.

128
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,605
(RINGING DOORBELL)

129
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:42,651
(SINGING) Joy to the world,
the Lord is come!

130
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:46,655
Let earth receive her King

131
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,032
Let every...

132
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:49,784
Season's greetings.
Peace out.

133
00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:54,080
(RINGING DOORBELL)

134
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:59,210
(SINGING) Silent night

135
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:00,419
(GLASS BREAKING)

136
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:03,422
Holy night

137
00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:04,757
(HOMER YELLING)

138
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,634
(SINGING LOUDLY) AII is calm

139
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:07,718
(DOG GROWLING)

140
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,762
All is bright

141
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,263
HOMER: Oh,
that hurts!

142
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:12,640
(SNORING)

143
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,183
BOTH: Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No.

144
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,559
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No.

145
00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:17,186
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No.

146
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,562
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No.

147
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,022
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No.

148
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:21,482
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No.

149
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:22,733


150
00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,151
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No!

151
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:25,402
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No.

152
00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:27,029
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No.

153
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:28,656
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No!

154
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,157
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No!

155
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,450


156
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:32,660
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No!

157
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:33,994
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No!

158
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,454
Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
No!

159
00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:38,999
If I take you,
will you two shut up
and quit bugging me?

160
00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,709
Yeah. Well...
Of course.

161
00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:42,503
BOTH: Will you take us
to Mount Splashmore?
Yes!

162
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:43,712
Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.

163
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:46,257
Isn't this that cartoon
that causes seizures?

164
00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,928
(EXCLAIMING)

165
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:53,889
Bart, what are you doing?

166
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,142
Hey, what the...

167
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,229
All right.

168
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,398
(ALL EXCLAIMING)

169
00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:06,443
A lot of people think
our dad's behavior
has screwed us up.

170
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:07,945
And it has.

171
00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:09,280
(ALL LAUGHING)

172
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:12,408
But it's all worth it
just to hear him sing.

173
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:15,452
(SINGING) Shaving
my shoulders

174
00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:18,038
I'm getting it
all shaved off

175
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:24,503
Max Power, he's the man
whose name
you'd love to touch

176
00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:29,675
But you mustn't touch

177
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:33,721
His name sounds
good in your ear

178
00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:37,766
But when you say it,
you mustn't fear

179
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:43,522
'Cause his name can
be said by anyone

180
00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:44,773
Max Power!

181
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:48,068
I like pizza,
I like bagels

182
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:50,446
I like hot dogs
with mustard and beer

183
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:51,530
I get the picture.

184
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,032
I'll eat eggplant

185
00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,618
I could even
eat a baby deer

186
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,369
(SCATTING)

187
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,163
Who's that baby
deer on the lawn...

188
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,539
Enough already!

189
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:04,251
Dancing away my hunger pangs

190
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:07,755
Moving my feet so
my stomach won't hurt

191
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:13,636
I'm kinda like Jesus,
but not in a sacrilegious way

192
00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:17,973
And now our next speaker
is Mr. Warmth himself,

193
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,892
C. Montgomery Burns!

194
00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:25,731
I stand here to expose
the criminal ineptitude
of Homer J. Simpson.

195
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:26,899
(GASPING)

196
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:30,194
Again and again he's
brought this town to the
brink of annihilation.

197
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,279
(ALL LAUGHING)

198
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,617
Why are you laughing?

199
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:39,745
His bungling has
shortened your lives and
mutated your children!

200
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:41,705
(ALL LAUGHING)

201
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:45,918
Just look at all of
his catastrophic
nincompoopery.

202
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:48,587
(LAUGHING) Poop.

203
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,756
LENNY: Get ready,
everybody.

204
00:09:51,174 --> 00:09:53,759
He's about to do
something stupid.

205
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,262
Well, I'm sorry
to disappoint
you gentlemen,

206
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,932
but you seem to have me
confused with a character
in a fictional show.

207
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:03,269
Now if you'll excuse me,
my fondue is just about...

208
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,062
(SPARKING)

209
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:06,563
(ALL LAUGHING)

210
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,274
(ALARM RINGING)

211
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:09,942
(ALL SCREAMING)

212
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,819
Get out of my way!

213
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,698
Fire, fire,
fire, fire...

214
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:20,786
Here comes one
of our fellows now.

215
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:25,791
I think I won,
Mr. Burns.

216
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,335
Now here's a couple
that's been dating.

217
00:10:28,420 --> 00:10:30,004
Carbon dating!

218
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:34,133
Grampa Simpson
and Agnes Skinner!

219
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:36,468
(ALL APPLAUDING)

220
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:39,596
Sweet Toledo!
What's keeping
that dress on?

221
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,808
The collective will
of everyone
in this room!

222
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:45,144
(LAUGHING)

223
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,228
Excellent.

224
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,982
You fruits wouldn't know
what to do with me!

225
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:54,486
I first met Homer in 1927
in a bar in Brooklyn.

226
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:59,742
Little did I know
he would soon become
Mrs. Joe DiMaggio and...

227
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,702
(SNORING)

228
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,162
Roll the clips!

229
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,663
Uh-oh.

230
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:08,876
Okay, don't panic.
Remember what
the instructor said.

231
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,462
If you ever get into trouble,
all you need to do is...

232
00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:13,672
Feels like I'm wearing
nothing at all.

233
00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:16,425
Nothing at all.
Nothing at all.

234
00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:19,178
(EXCLAIMING)
Stupid sexy Flanders!

235
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:23,390
Ow! My legs!
This is the worst
pain ever!

236
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,851
(EXCLAIMING)

237
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:35,944
Single.

238
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:37,613
(LAUGHING)

239
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,365
How's he doing?
I don't know.

240
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,992
I think Dad might
be a little heavy
for parasailing.

241
00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:45,662
Faster, Marge! Faster!
The snapping turtles
are massing!

242
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,457
Heads up!
Coming through!
Look out!

243
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,501
Hey, volleyball!
Can I play later?

244
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:52,628
Hi, Apu.

245
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:56,548
Oh, dear! You have
ruined my work,
you flying fat man!

246
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,050
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

247
00:11:58,134 --> 00:11:59,301
Hey!

248
00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:02,888
(SIGHING IN RELIEF)

249
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:07,476
Step on it, Mom!
Dad's signaling that
he wants to go higher!

250
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,228
HOMER: Higher.

251
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:14,983
Bye-bye, fishies!
Higher! Higher!

252
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,027
I'm soaring!

253
00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:20,739
Soaring majestically,
like a candy wrapper
caught in an updraft.

254
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,366
Higher, Marge! Higher!

255
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,742
It won't go any...

256
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:25,160
Higher, I say!

257
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,163
I want to soar higher
than any man has
ever soared!

258
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:31,041
I want to look
down on the clouds
with contempt!

259
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:34,753
I want to sneer
at God's creation
and spit on his...

260
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:36,380
Uh-oh.

261
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:40,426
Lower! Lower!

262
00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:41,927
There goes my turn.

263
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:45,597
Hey, Abe,
you want to hook up
after the show?

264
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,225
Yeah!
To a suicide machine!

265
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,018
(LAUGHING)

266
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:55,607
Now everyone knows
Homer loves his family.

267
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:59,403
I'm sick of your lies!
Secrets and lies!

268
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:02,531
It's always
secrets and lies!

269
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,951
Homer, these people
are professional roasters.

270
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,162
Don't give them fodder.

271
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:11,165
(SNORING)

272
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:12,791
(MARGE GROANING)

273
00:13:12,876 --> 00:13:14,751
Secrets and lies!

274
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:22,384
Now let's welcome
Springfield's original
God couple,

275
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:25,512
Reverend Lovejoy
and Ned Flanders!

276
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,389
Thank you so much.

277
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,933
(SINGING)
The Camptown ladies
sing this song

278
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,394
(SCATTING)

279
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,813
Homer Simpson's
breath is strong

280
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:36,106
(SCATTING)

281
00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:38,317
Hey, hey!
Now hold on there.

282
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:41,445
The nice people
want to hear
the real words.

283
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:44,865
But, Ned,
I was singing
the real words.

284
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,743
Oh, let's just
take it from the top.

285
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:50,454
The Camptown ladies
sing this song

286
00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:52,831
(SCATTING)

287
00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,667
The Camptown racetrack's
five miles long

288
00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:56,752
That's better.

289
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,046
Homer's breath smells bad...

290
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,590
Oh, those are
not the words!

291
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:13,477
Silence!
Cease all quips
and comebacks!

292
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:16,939
Look! You weren't
in dress rehearsal,
so you're not in the show!

293
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:18,941
(SCREAMING)

294
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,026
This can't be good
for my pacemaker.

295
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,196
(ALL GASPING)

296
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,744
What are you doing here?

297
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,580
Our planet
has been observing
your puny species

298
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:39,044
since your planet
was created 5,000
years ago by God.

299
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,171
In the name
of the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Ghost.

300
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,674
And now humanity
must be judged!

301
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:46,802
The fate of your planet
rests on one human being,

302
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,303
Homer Simpson!

303
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,513
Why him?

304
00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:53,058
Because he is the fat,
selfish epitome
of modern man!

305
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,060
Hey, he stole my bit!

306
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:58,772
Now we shall probe you
to see if you are worthy.

307
00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:00,649
Yep! Word for word.

308
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,318
Okay, let's see
what we've got.

309
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:05,988
It has to be
on Channel 3.

310
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:07,614
Yes, yes.

311
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,868
Oh, yeah.
That's a fine-looking...

312
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:13,954
D'oh!

313
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:15,706
Okay, no big deal.

314
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:18,083
(SHRIEKING)

315
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,668
Stupid Lisa!

316
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,338
You gotta build fast.
Cement drying!

317
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:26,508
All right, let's see.
English side ruined!

318
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:29,094
Must use
French instructions!

319
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:30,262
Le grill!

320
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:32,306
What the hell is that?

321
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,766
(STUTTERING)

322
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:36,685
Come on, fit, you!

323
00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:43,066
(HOMER SIGHING)

324
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:46,820
Yeah. That's one
fine-looking
barbecue pit.

325
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:49,906
Why doesn't mine
look like that?

326
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,617
(SCREAMING)

327
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:56,121
Why? Why must life
be so hard?

328
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:59,916
Why must I fail
in every attempt
at masonry?

329
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,418
(SCREAMING)

330
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:03,629
How's your father's
project coming along?

331
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:04,838
I think he's almost done.

332
00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,507
(SCREECHING)

333
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:08,675
Yeah. He's done.

334
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,427
Why you little...

335
00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:12,638
(GRUNTING)

336
00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:24,900
DOCTOR: Better or worse?
HOMER: Worse!

337
00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:26,985
DOCTOR: Better or worse?

338
00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:28,528
HOMER: Much better!

339
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:31,698
Lisa, no!
Your hands are too weak!

340
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,496
Ow!

341
00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:41,792
(BOTH PANTING)

342
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,921
I'll mace you good!

343
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,506
(SCREAMING)

344
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:50,842
Your species
is brutish
and primitive!

345
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:54,763
Do you have anything
to say before we
obliterate your planet?

346
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,057
Wait! What about
Maggie's memories?

347
00:16:57,141 --> 00:17:00,519
Surely the innocent
soul of a child
will redeem mankind!

348
00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:02,437
(LAUGHING)

349
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:05,816
Sure,
let's give it a shot.

350
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:12,614
Oh, there's my
sweet little Maggie.

351
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,390
Oh, Maggie.
You're a Simpson again.

352
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:39,516
(BURPING)

353
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,644
You know, Maggie.
The sooner kids talk,
the sooner they talk back.

354
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:47,733
I hope you
never say a word.

355
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:55,574
Daddy.

356
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,916
(SOBBING)

357
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,168
It worked, Mom!

358
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:09,379
Maggie's memories have
shown them humanity's
inner goodness!

359
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:13,175
These are not tears!
We are vomiting
from our eyes!

360
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:16,595
Your baby's treacle
has only intensified
our loathing!

361
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,181
Wait! Look at the screen!

362
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:21,683
The baby continues
to reminisce.

363
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,769
(EXCLAIMING)
Elton John!

364
00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:25,020
That's my name.

365
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,938
Well, not really.

366
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,858
Stephen Hawking!
Stephen Hawking!

367
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,359
Hi. I'm Ron Howard.

368
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:33,153
(GASPING)
Billy Baldwin!

369
00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:34,613
I'm Alec Baldwin.

370
00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:36,615
Wait a minute.
Xena can't fly.

371
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:38,575
I told you,
I'm not Xena.

372
00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:40,619
I'm Lucy Lawless.
Oh.

373
00:18:40,703 --> 00:18:41,953
Wow, Joe Namath!

374
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,163
That's right.

375
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:45,123
My car broke down
in front of your house.

376
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:47,292
*NSYNC MEMBER:
Yo, dudes! Awesome show!

377
00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:50,545
(GASPING) It's *NSYNC!

378
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,172
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

379
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,177
Word!

380
00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:00,639
This child thinks of
nothing but trendy
Hollywood celebrities.

381
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:03,350
We can learn much
from this innocent one.

382
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:06,686
Like Justin Timberlake's
home phone number.

383
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:08,688
So I guess you
can't destroy Earth,

384
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:12,192
since so many of
your favorite celebrities
live and work here.

385
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:15,946
We will not
destroy the Earth!
On one condition.

386
00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:17,447
You name it.

387
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:27,582
I can't believe
we're going to the
People's Choice Awards!

388
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,001
And tomorrow,
the Daytime Emmys.

389
00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:32,128
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

390
00:19:33,548 --> 00:19:35,674
Oh, it's Burt Reynolds
and Michael Jeter!

391
00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:39,010
Could an Evening Shade
reunion be in the works?

392
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:42,556
(GASPING) There's Shannen
Doherty. Didn't you
have a thing with her?

393
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,266
Don't go there.

394
00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,184
MAN: (SINGING)
Ullman shorts, Christmas show

395
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:47,811
Marge's fling, Homer's bro

396
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:51,022
Bart in well, Flanders fails
Whacking snakes, monorail

397
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:54,276
Mr. Plow, Homer space
Sideshow Bob steps on rakes

398
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,445
Lisa's future, Selma's hubby
Marge not proud, Homer chubby

399
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:00,699
Homer worries Bart is gay
Poochie, U2, NRA

400
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,952
Hippies, Vegas, and Japan
Octuplets and Bart's boy band

401
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:07,247
Marge murmurs, Maude croaks
Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes

402
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:10,709
Maggie blows Burns away
What else do I have to say?

403
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:13,628
They'll never
stop the Simpsons

404
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,464
Have no fears
We've got stories
for years

405
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,718
Like Marge becomes a robot

406
00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:21,553
Maybe Moe gets a cell phone

407
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,138
Has Bart ever owned a bear?

408
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:28,143
Or how about a crazy wedding
where something happens and...

409
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:30,228
(SCATTING)

410
00:20:30,313 --> 00:20:33,023
Sorry for the clip show

411
00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:36,234
Have no fears
We've got stories
for years

412
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:35,710
ENGLISH - US - PSDH