CHORUS [SINGS]: The Simpsons
The Dad Who Knew Too Little
D'oh! Ah!
WOMAN: Welcome to another episode of Padz...
...where we go inside the mega-mansions of today's hot young celebrities.
This was today?
The girl was supposed to call.
Oh, let's get this over with.
Here's the recliner where Don Adams and Shelley Winters...
...made beautiful music together.
It should be in a museum, but museums don't want it.
And here's my pool.
I don't swim, so that's where I throw my shrimp shells.
Krustofski.
Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor, Elliott Gould.
Your monkey bit my kid again.
Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lotion...
- Say hello to Bob, and Carol. - Unh! Aah!
- And Ted and Alice. - Unh! Aah!
KRUSTY: Oh, that's it, Gould.
And you keep your lousy dog off my lawn.
GIRL [THINKING]: Dear diary...
[GASPS]
"I have a crush on Kenny."
Ha! That's me.
You would like me, loser.
[LAUGHING]
ANNOUNCER: Girls, don't let this happen to you.
Get the Turbo Diary from Girltech.
No one can read your secrets except you.
COMPUTER VOICE: Unauthorized user. Access denied.
[SCREAMS]
Turbo Diary, I love that I bought you.
ANNOUNCER: Get your Turbo Diary from Girltech.
Girltech is a division of Boytech.
Hey, I could really use one of those.
No arguments here. Man, I come off like a jerk in this thing.
[MARGE HUMMING]
Mom, Dad, my birthday's coming up...
...and Girltech Turbo Diaries are in stores now.
Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
- Just buy me the frigging toy. - Ha-ha-ha.
I love that little shill.
- Let's get her that diary. - I agree.
A girl should have her own private diary.
I had to share mine with my uncle.
HOMER: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Dad, you can't eat all those free samples.
- We've gotta get Lisa's present. - Watch and learn.
[GROWLING AND SNORTING]
More free samples.
Dad, you ate all the free samples.
Now you're eating men's slacks.
Eh, it's still better than Indian food.
Oh.
One Turbo Diary, please.
Trying to keep those crushes secret, eh, Romeo?
It's not for me. I'm not a girl like you.
Well played. Oh.
I'm sorry, sir, but I just sold the last Turbo Diary to that guy.
Finally, Smithers...
...a device worthy of storing my top-secret enemies list.
I'm ready, sir.
Number one, the Kingston Trio. Ugh. Number two...
COMPUTER VOICE: Unauthorized user. Access denied.
[HOMER SCREAMS]
Oh. Now what am I gonna get Lisa?
Sir, I can offer you this Tickle Me Krusty...
...the most popular toy of 1999.
[SQUEAKS]
DOLL: I'm anatomically correct. Go ahead, take a peek.
[SQUEAKS]
I wonder what mommy's medicine tastes like.
Lisa's not gonna want that.
Oh, what can I get her?
Shop of the morning, Homer. Just call me Mall Flanders.
[CHUCKLES]
- What are you buying? Jerk stuff? - Oh, you betcha.
This kiosk sells personalized movies.
I had one made starring little Rod.
NARRATOR: Kiosk Productions presents...
...an outer space adventure starring you.
One day while flying your spaceship, you saw a planet and decided to land.
- Greetings, I am commander... NED [ON VIDEO]: Rod.
Welcome, earthling.
What are your hobbies?
NARRATOR: My hobbies include:
NED: Being quiet during trips, clapping with songs and diabetes.
Sounds like fun.
Let's party.
[UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey, your kid is in the movie.
And the movie knows his name.
Maybe Lisa will like this better than the diary.
Stupid Flanders, you're a genius.
A laser pointer.
Thanks, Bart.
It's really cool.
You can point a red dot at people's crotches from really far away.
Hmm. There appears to be a red dot on my trouser front.
I'd better lower them. Ah.
The dot also appears to be on my underpants.
Well, down they go.
[SIREN WAILS]
Hey, buddy. You better get that red dot checked out.
My uncle died of crotch dot.
Okay, Lisa, now open the present from your father and me. Hmm, hmm?
I wonder what this could be.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Could it be some kind of book?
Well, yes and no.
- Mostly no. - Wha...?
You were supposed to get her that stupid diary.
But it's a personalized video...
...about my favorite little star, Lisa Simpson.
Well, this could be fun.
Let's watch it.
[OLD WEST PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
NARRATOR: Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff...
HOMER [ON VIDEO]: Lisa Simpson.
NARRATOR: I sure am hungry for my favorite food...
HOMER: McNuggets.
I don't like McNuggets. I'm a vegetarian.
Still? Then you're not gonna like your other present.
NARRATOR: It's my best friend... HOMER: Maggie.
Huh?
- Bad news, Sheriff... HOMER: Lisa Simpson.
- Some Indians took all the... HOMER: McNuggets.
Mm, McNuggets.
[HOMER GURGLING]
NARRATOR: I'll get those no good Indians...
...just as sure as my favorite book is...
HOMER: Magazines.
[HOMER SNORING ON VIDEO]
BART [ON VIDEO]: Wake up, Dad. HOMER [ON VIDEO]: Eh... What?
Dad, that information is all wrong.
Maggie's a baby, not my best friend.
You don't know anything about me.
[LISA CRIES]
[DOOR SLAMS]
Maggie, you're her best friend, go talk to her.
Oh, what have I done?
Children don't remember bad birthdays, do they?
[MARGE GROANS]
Good morning, honey.
Did you cry out all your angries?
I don't think so.
Oh, Lisa's still mad at me.
I'm still mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an ax.
I did it for the insurance money.
Hmph.
Look, Lisa, I'm still trying to get to know you.
Who's your favorite Traveling Wilbury? Is it Jeff Lynne?
Dad, you've had eight years to get to know me.
It's too late.
But I'm full of questions.
What's your favorite cigar size?
Is it Robusto? Is it?
Gee, Homer, you sure look sad.
Yeah, at least you ain't aging six years for every one because of your cow heart.
Oh. My daughter hates me because I don't know anything about her.
Ah. Well, whenever I gotta know something about a broad, I use this guy.
This detective is unbelievable.
He can learn more about a chick by digging through one garbage can...
...than you could from years of intimacy.
He found out who was cobbling shoes for me at night.
Turns out I have severe schizophrenia.
Well, if hiring this guy will make Lisa like me again, then I'll do it.
- Can I get this beer to go? - Sure.
Maybe someday I'll turn into a swan.
[SIGHS]
Oh, God.
[SIGN BUZZING]
- "Drunk cop." Is that you? - No. Look lower.
HOMER: Ooh, pie. - What can I do for you?
My name is Homer Simpson. I desperately need your help.
Let me guess. It's about a girl.
- How did you know? - It's always a dame.
Usually with gams that don't quit until they get to the shoes.
And then they're only napping.
[CHUCKLES]
Priceless.
I need you to find out everything about my daughter...
...so she'll think I'm a good dad.
Okay. I'll get a line on your kid.
I charge 50 bucks a day, plus expenses.
Anything to trick my daughter into liking me.
Now, if you need to reach me, my e-mail is chunkylover53@aol.
Chunky lover 53.
- It's one word. - One word.
- Chunkylover53. - At AOL.
Dot-com.
Hey, that's not your locker.
You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen Strangler.
Moving on.
[WHISTLES]
I need to see Lisa Simpson's permanent record.
I'm afraid that information is confidential.
These are some nice-looking papers on your desk.
It would be a shame if somebody shuffled them.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't I?
Pfft. I could easily put them back in their original order.
Oh, really?
No!
You're late, Muntz.
Get bent, shamus. I got what you're looking for.
- Nice. Very nice. - Now give me back what's mine.
Ah. My picture with Snow White.
You know she's just an actress.
Shut up. Some of us prefer illusion to despair.
Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Yes, yes, you said that already. What else do you know?
I once picked my nose till it bleeded.
About Lisa.
Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Someone's already worked this guy over.
[WHISTLE WAILS]
Ah, the information I've been waiting for.
So far, so good.
[MUMBLES THEN GASPS]
Lisa's pet peeve is phonies?
I thought she loved them.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING NEARBY]
Huh?
Is that Miles Davis' Birth of the Cool?
You should know. It is your favorite album.
So you know one thing about me. Big deal.
Wait, wait. I thought you might like to go to an animal rights protest today.
Well, maybe.
On the way home, we could get your favorite treat.
Ice cream.
What do we want?
[IN UNISON] The gradual phase out of animal testing...
...over the next three years.
When do we want it?
[IN UNISON] Over the next three years.
Uh, young lady, why are you protesting today?
Because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals.
Take a look for yourself.
They're making monkeys smoke cigarettes.
[SIGHS]
And look at the way...
...they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics.
So sad, yet so sexy, yet so delicious. Mm.
Dad, today was so great.
The animal rights protest, a visit to the Museum of Sadness and Oppression.
Well, we should get along.
I mean, after all, I am your father.
How'd you think of such perfect things for us to do? Did Mom help you?
Mom? Don't you think I could read the report by myself?
- What report? - The... Uh...
Well, uh, report is a daddy word that means "loves his daughter."
You read the "loves his daughter" by yourself?
That's right, honey.
You did it. Lisa thinks I'm the greatest.
I might even put you to work on Bart and Maggie.
Go super dad on all their asses.
I believe there's still the matter of my expenses.
Oh, yes. Well, let's take a look and see...
A thousand dollars?
- How did you spend a thousand dollars? - It's itemized.
A $40 steak?
But if I'd eaten the whole thing, it would've been free.
You've been living like a king on my dollar.
Super-unleaded gas. Silver bullets?
I was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf.
- Didn't pan out. - I can't believe a man who agreed...
...to follow my daughter around for money...
...would turn out to be a dirtbag.
You better pay up, Simpson.
[WHIMPERING]
[GRUNTS]
You'll regret the day you crossed Dexter Colt.
You'll regret the day you went to the expensive coffee place.
[THE WINSTONS' "COLOR HIM FATHER" PLAYING]
I think I'll color him love
Color him love
Breaking news at the Screaming Monkey Research Labs...
...where test animals have been freed by unknown activists.
Chief Wiggum, uh, do you have a statement?
Uh, yes. Yes, I do, Kent. This is a horrible crime.
One that... Ha, ha.
Cut it out, Lou. I...
He's making funny faces.
Sorry, chief. One of these monkeys has the same name as my ex-wife.
[LAUGHS]
Chief, do you have any suspects at this time?
Well, we do have several promising clues.
Uh, let's see. There's a Malibu Stacy scrunchie...
...a saxophone reed...
...and a book report on The Secret Garden by Lisa Simpson.
What does this tell you?
Well, apparently, there's a secret garden in all of us.
And that Lisa Simpson is guilty.
[HOMER, LISA AND MARGE GASP]
I was framed.
- You believe me, don't you, Dad? - Of course I do.
It's all my fault for refusing to pay...
Pay attention to you, my sweet little father-loving pile of forgiveness.
Yes.
[KNOCKING]
Can Lisa come out with her hands up?
Chief Wiggum, my daughter is innocent until proven guilty.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Would an innocent person flee?
No, really. Tell me. I honestly don't know.
- Chief, no. - Even I knew that.
Yeah, yeah, I'm not... I'm not good.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Ha, ha. They're trapped.
Oh, damn it.
[MARGE SIGHS]
I can't stop worrying about Homer and Lisa.
Oh, Mom. This'll take your mind off them. Unh!
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
[MARGE HUMS]
[BREAKS]
BROCKMAN [ON RADIO]: Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants...
...and a fair-haired girl in a red lampshade.
Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad.
I look just like a Powerpuff Girl.
I look just like Elvis.
[GROANS]
- Names, please? - Lady Penelope Ariel Ponyweather.
Uh, Rock Strongo.
Your real name?
- Uh, Lance Uppercut. - Thank you.
Sign here, Mr. Uppercut.
Let me just put on my glasses.
You're charging how much for a room?
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
HOMER [ON PHONE]: Hello. This is a phone survey.
If the election were held today...
...would you vote for A, the cops are there...
...or B, you're free to talk.
Uh, A. And I'd like to add...
...that proposition "Hug Lisa For Me" has my full support.
Oh, Marge. You're not getting it. It's me, Homer Simpson.
[CHUCKLES]
- We got a location, chief. - Good work, Lou.
We'll leave right after dinner.
Lisa, this is from your mom.
Aw. Life on the lam is really hard.
But at least it's with you, Dad.
I feel terrible for putting you through this...
...after what a wonderful father you've been.
Oh. Lisa, I can't lie to you any longer.
This is all my fault.
I'm the worst dad in the world.
What? Why?
The man who framed you is a crooked detective who I hired.
Why did you do that?
To find out everything about you so I'd seem like a good father.
How could you?
Well, all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a great idea.
Let's just get some sleep.
All right, Simpsons, the jig is up. We know you're in there.
HOMER: Okay. I'm coming right out the door.
Damn it. These windows are so hard to squeeze through.
[HOMER GRUNTS]
Cheer up, honey. We're living an all-natural existence, the kind you like.
Ooh, a trash can.
We'll find breakfast in here.
I don't wanna eat from the trash.
Oh, a banana.
What the...? It's full of cigarette butts.
So is this one.
They must've come from over there.
Those are the test animals.
The detective must've sold them to the circus.
We'll just tell the police...
...and then I'm back to being plain old Rock Strongo.
COLT: You're not telling nobody nothing.
Make one move and you'll get a belly full of the Flying Giuseppe.
How you doing?
Dexter Colt, the man who framed my daughter.
- You should've paid the expenses. - In retrospect, yes.
[GASPS]
[HOMER GRUNTS]
Ooh. I think that fixed my back.
[CRACKING]
Oh, no, no. It's much worse.
I'll just hide here.
[YELPS]
[WHIMPERING]
[LAUGHS]
Now what are you gonna do?
You can't shoot all of us. Damn it.
You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office...
...I had a feeling I'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.
Dad? Are you in here?
- How did she find us? - Oh, Lisa has excellent hearing.
Once when she was 3, I was quietly sobbing in the closet...
...and she found me.
Oh, Dad, you do remember something about me.
Perhaps you also remember this laser Bart gave me earlier.
[GRUNTS]
I can't see.
How ironic.
Now, he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.
Well, it wasn't easy, honey.
But I'm glad you love me again.
Yeah. But what's gonna happen to the animals?
Don't worry, honey. They released them all into the wild.
[MONKEYS GIBBERING AND PIGS GRUNTING]
Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your collar again...
...I'm not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more.
Duly noted.
BART: Hey, Dad. Will you read me a story?
HOMER: Why certainly, son.
Just hand me that book you got there.
COMPUTER VOICE: Unauthorized user. Access denied.
[BOOK BUZZING AND HOMER SCREAMING]
[BART LAUGHING]
WOMAN: Shh.
[English - US -SDH]