1
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CHORUS [SINGS]:
The Simpsons
2
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:07,049
The Bart of War
3
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,333
[BELL RINGING]
4
00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:14,191
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
5
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,312
[BEEPING]
6
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[LISA PLAYS SOLO]
7
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D'oh! Ah!
8
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,984
MAN [ON TV]:
Next on Comedy Central, South Park.
9
00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:00,310
I hear those kids' voices
are done by grown-ups.
10
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,135
Hey, nothing wrong with that.
11
00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:05,190
I just wonder how they keep it so fresh
after 43 episodes.
12
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,944
I can't believe we paid
to see Steve Guttenberg...
13
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:11,530
...Calista Flockhart
and Farty the crippled robot.
14
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:12,291
...Calista Flockhart
and Farty the crippled robot.
15
00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:14,335
Look who's in my fart. O.J.
16
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[FARTS]
17
00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:17,724
I'm gonna kill you all.
18
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[ROBOT YELLS]
19
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:21,290
[BOTH YELL]
20
00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:24,595
[IN UNISON]
Cartoon violence. Cartoon violence.
21
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Now, I'm gonna find the real killer.
22
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[BOTH SCREAM]
23
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,987
Kids, that cartoon's not life-affirming.
24
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:35,053
We're going to watch a show
about the everyday problems of angels.
25
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MAN [ON TV]:
Now back to Good Heavens.
26
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- Jesus called today.
- He did?
27
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[BOTH SCREAM]
28
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:44,688
I'm bored.
29
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,743
Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's tie a string around a fly.
30
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Cool. Do you think bugs feel pain?
31
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If they don't,
I've wasted a lot of my life.
32
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[BUZZING]
33
00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:57,722
I wish I could fly.
34
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:00,266
Then I'd be the most popular kid
in school.
35
00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,362
Knowing you,
you'd mess it up somehow.
36
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,297
The fly is stuck in Flanders' house.
37
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- I'll go contact the nearest adult.
- There's no time. We're going in.
38
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[GRUNTS]
39
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,909
- My eyeglass repair kit.
- Let it go.
40
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:36,886
Well, what do you know?
Cats eat flies.
41
00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:39,524
Sometimes I wish a cat would eat me.
42
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:43,549
Dude, we're in Flanders' house,
unsupervised.
43
00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:46,218
Wow, let's go nuts.
44
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:52,287
Bright, brighter, brightest, off.
Bright, brighter, brightest, off.
45
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:54,852
[LAUGHS]
46
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:56,645
That is so gay.
47
00:02:57,427 --> 00:02:58,335
[BREAKS]
48
00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:04,132
These losers are out of peanut butter.
49
00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:05,811
I know how to make some.
50
00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:09,773
Peanuts, butter.
51
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:11,713
Now, we just put the top on.
52
00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,559
Hey, I didn't get where I am
putting tops on things.
53
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,323
[BOTH LAUGHING]
54
00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:20,430
Now, let's make jelly.
55
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,734
[BOTH LAUGHING]
56
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,842
I feel like luge silver medalist
Barbara Niedernhuber.
57
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,472
[BOTH SCREAM]
58
00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:41,701
Wow, Mr. Flanders
is really into the Beatles.
59
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:43,213
What are the Beatles?
60
00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,715
They wrote all the songs
on Maggie's baby records.
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00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:52,503
"John Lemon, Orange Harrison,
Paul Mclced Tea, Mango Starr"?
62
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:56,622
Hey, Bart,
how about a blast from the past?
63
00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:01,377
A 40-year-old novelty beverage?
Hand it over.
64
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,464
[BOTH GROANING]
65
00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:18,540
[GROANS]
66
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:22,179
Yellow matter custard
dripping from a dead dog's eye.
67
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,036
I don't feel so fab.
68
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,433
[VOMITS]
69
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,625
The folks at the senior center
will love that peach tree we planted.
70
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:33,127
I wish we could see their happy faces.
71
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:35,578
- Sin of pride, Roddy.
- I'm sorry.
72
00:04:36,068 --> 00:04:37,674
Sin of regret.
73
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:45,108
Ah! The house is slightly askew.
To the panic room!
74
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,100
[ROD AND TODD WHIMPER]
75
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,575
Daddy, I'm scared.
76
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:57,329
Scared of what? The funny camp songs
we're gonna sing?
77
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,727
[SINGING]
We'll be safe inside our fortress
78
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:01,562
When they come
79
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,972
We'll be safe from creeps and
killers When they come
80
00:05:05,597 --> 00:05:08,819
Unless they have a blow torch
Or a poison gas injector
81
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:12,333
Then I don't know what'll happen
When they come
82
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[WHIMPERING]
83
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:17,484
Okay, home invaders,
we don't want to hurt you.
84
00:05:18,110 --> 00:05:20,925
- We just want to talk.
- Well, if you just wanna talk...
85
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,574
...talk about Eddie
sleeping with my ex-wife.
86
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,200
The divorce was final.
87
00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:28,099
- When is a divorce ever final?
- All right, let's move in.
88
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,455
[BOTH WHIMPERING]
89
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:34,772
[GUNS COCK]
90
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:38,589
All right, perps.
We know you're in here somewhere.
91
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:50,778
Well, well, well,
looks like a couple of punks...
92
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,510
...are gonna be taking the last train
to Clarksville.
93
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,960
- That's the Monkees, chief.
- Go wait in the car.
94
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,233
Fine. It was the Monkees.
95
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,194
Please don't call our parents.
96
00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:03,207
I'm afraid I have to
for hijinks like these.
97
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:07,253
Ha, hijinks. Funny word.
Three dotted letters in a row.
98
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,475
- Is it hyphenated?
- It used to be. Back in the bad old days.
99
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:13,926
Of course, every generation hyphenates
the way it wants to.
100
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:15,782
Then there's *NSYNC. Ha!
101
00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:17,263
What the hell is that?
102
00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:19,525
Jump in anytime, Eddie.
These are good topics.
103
00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:27,586
Oh, Ned, I am so sorry.
104
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,119
I never knew
you were such a Beatles fan.
105
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:32,611
Of course I am.
They were bigger than Jesus.
106
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,812
But your boy went Yoko
and broke up my collection.
107
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,825
Hey, boys will be boys.
108
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,828
I am so tired of that tautology.
109
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,350
It's not all his fault.
110
00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,373
I blame this latchkey kid.
111
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,135
People, people, calm down.
112
00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:48,210
Both these kids are total write-offs.
113
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,045
Uh, I assume you're pressing charges?
114
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:53,705
- Because I get paid by the charge.
- Courts aren't fit to keep children in line.
115
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:56,719
They're good for telling women
what to do with their bodies.
116
00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:59,701
What these boys need
is adult supervision.
117
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:03,330
You are so right, Ned.
There won't be a single minute...
118
00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:06,416
...where Bart's not under
the watchful eye of myself or...
119
00:07:06,969 --> 00:07:08,282
Homer, get over here.
120
00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:11,098
Hee, hee, look at me. I'm Brian Epstein.
121
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:12,995
Now I'm Michael Jackson.
122
00:07:13,392 --> 00:07:15,477
[MIMICS MICHAEL JACKSON]
"I own all your songs, losers."
123
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[LAUGHS]
124
00:07:18,230 --> 00:07:21,410
Here are some supervised activities
we can all do together.
125
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,371
"Future Veterans of Foreign Wars."
126
00:07:24,903 --> 00:07:26,655
- "The 5-H Club."
- Five-H?
127
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,752
- They had to admit homosexuals.
- Hmm.
128
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:32,296
How come I'm not doing this stuff
with Milhouse?
129
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,830
You won't be seeing Milhouse
for a while.
130
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:38,114
Something about that boy
just shakes up your soda.
131
00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:40,023
Oh, this looks interesting.
132
00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:42,171
"The Pre-Teen Braves."
133
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:47,968
Hey, these freaks do a lot of cool stuff.
Cookouts, hayrides, bowling.
134
00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:50,783
Just like real Indians.
135
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:53,202
Dad,
maybe you could lead Bart's tribe.
136
00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,402
You mean, like some sort of madman?
137
00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:57,676
- Ideally, no, but...
- I'll do it.
138
00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:01,075
[SINGING]
I am Homer tribal chief
139
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I am wearing tiny briefs
140
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Braves teach values boys should know
Now extended drum solo
141
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:27,977
Hey! I will now give each of you
your specially selected tribal name.
142
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:29,989
Pick one.
143
00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:34,316
I am "Burger With Fries."
Man, is that uninspired.
144
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:38,581
Let's see. What Native American
activity should we do?
145
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:42,700
"Making wallets, faking crop circles,
respecting nature"?
146
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,588
Jeez, no wonder
these guys lost the Civil War.
147
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,195
Hey, Lazy Horse,
find us something cool to do.
148
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:49,676
Hmm...
149
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,115
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
150
00:08:52,491 --> 00:08:55,087
The noble Chiefs outsmarted
the treacherous Cowboys...
151
00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:57,339
...with a seven-yard screen pass.
152
00:08:57,788 --> 00:09:02,657
Unfortunately, after further review,
the Great Father in the sky determined...
153
00:09:03,544 --> 00:09:06,651
...that the receiver's moccasins
were out of bounds.
154
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,456
I shall bet no more forever.
155
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:13,001
I don't think Dad is accurately portraying
Native American life.
156
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:16,452
Yeah. Indians don't sit around
drinking beer and watching TV.
157
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,153
I smell smoke.
158
00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,416
Without the talking stick,
we don't hear you.
159
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,616
- I smell smoke.
- Aah!
160
00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:28,610
I see you braves...
161
00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:30,956
- ...received our smoke signal.
- Wow.
162
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:32,656
- Neato.
- Awesome.
163
00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,377
Oh, no. The Pawnee have returned.
164
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,661
They probably want their souls back.
165
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,205
Wow, Mom.
I wish you were our tribe leader.
166
00:09:40,706 --> 00:09:44,366
Hail to our new chief,
the surprisingly hot Mrs. Simpson.
167
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,869
Oh, well, thank you.
I'm gonna make sure you boys have...
168
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:51,133
...the best possible
Pre-Teen Brave experience.
169
00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:54,824
But I was chosen by the Great Spirit
to teach these young braves...
170
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,286
...the ways of the antelope
and the ear of corn...
171
00:09:58,891 --> 00:10:02,738
...which we call maize,
that the papoose...
172
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,011
Oh, I'll be at Moe's talking normal.
173
00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:07,451
[KIDS GRUNTING]
174
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,475
Nelson, leggings?
175
00:10:10,903 --> 00:10:13,541
No way. If my old man sees me in these,
he'll kill me.
176
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:17,075
- You haven't seen your dad in years.
- Hey, today might be the day.
177
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:18,827
MAN:
Nelson?
178
00:10:21,205 --> 00:10:23,551
Papa, is that you?
179
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,907
You came back from the store.
180
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:27,398
[GRUNTS]
181
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:28,879
Who is he talking to?
182
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:32,403
Let's admire Nelson's love of nature.
183
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:37,043
Papa. Papa. Never leave me again.
184
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:40,297
All right, everyone inside. Let's go.
185
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:42,455
[MARGE HUMMING]
186
00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:46,886
Our nature walk will be hosted
by a full-blooded Native American.
187
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:50,390
Say hello to Jim Proudfoot
from the Mohican tribe.
188
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,143
Mohican?
I thought you guys were all gone.
189
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:56,219
Ha, ha.
No, but we encourage the myth.
190
00:10:56,782 --> 00:10:59,013
Chicks really dig you
when you're the last of something.
191
00:10:59,535 --> 00:11:02,392
Uh, are we on Indian land?
192
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,342
It once was.
My tribe's land stretched...
193
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:09,534
...from that Krusty Burger
down to Gary's Waterbed Warehouse.
194
00:11:10,254 --> 00:11:11,161
ALL:
Wow!
195
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:15,530
The Great Spirit blessed us
with beauty and abundance.
196
00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:22,547
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
197
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:26,958
The land gave birth to the trees,
the animals frolicked in the waters...
198
00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:30,545
...and the wind was so gentle
it would tie your shoes for you.
199
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:35,988
But that harmony has been shattered,
and now the land weeps.
200
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:46,999
Hey, treadmill,
how do you like this incline?
201
00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:48,750
[GRUNTS]
202
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,809
Uh, I'm giving it back to the earth.
203
00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,970
MARGE:
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
204
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:03,140
- What are we gonna do to that field?
ALL: Clean it.
205
00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,809
- And why are we gonna do it?
ALL: Liberal guilt.
206
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,331
Yay!
207
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,511
I'm so proud
of what you guys are doing...
208
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,627
...I even tipped off the local paper.
209
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,557
She sure did. And I've already got
the perfect headline.
210
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:18,666
"Activity Participated In By Some."
Hey, that's great.
211
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:23,963
Let's go, boys.
212
00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:26,517
Make sure you use Pine-Sol
on those pine trees...
213
00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:28,790
...for that pine fresh smell.
214
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,928
Papa?
215
00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:34,400
Oh, for God's sakes,
I can see why he left.
216
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,007
Now, all of you, get cleaning.
217
00:12:37,841 --> 00:12:39,562
[ALL YELL]
218
00:12:40,010 --> 00:12:41,251
ALL:
Huh?
219
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,767
Hey. Some jerks cleaned our field.
220
00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,561
It's awful. It looks like Wisconsin.
221
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,751
[TRUMPETING]
222
00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:56,766
I hereby declare this area
cleaned up by the Cavalry Kids.
223
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:58,487
[GRUNTS]
224
00:12:58,820 --> 00:12:59,696
[TRUMPETING]
225
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,126
Whoops. Ooh. Uh...
226
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:03,554
It was already dead.
227
00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,548
[GRUNTS THEN SIGHS]
228
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:10,916
Boy, I got up on the wrong side
of the futon today.
229
00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:15,170
- Cavalry Kids? That's pathetic.
- We're the bad boys...
230
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:18,257
...of non-denominational community
youth groups.
231
00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,332
Surely there's room in this town...
232
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:23,501
...for two well-meaning
juvenile associations.
233
00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:27,464
Yeah. But the Girl Scouts
already control the south side.
234
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:31,144
Then I guess this means war.
235
00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:37,912
Will you be my mommy?
236
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,070
[GROWLS]
237
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:42,260
You smell like dead bunnies.
238
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:50,987
Cavalry Kids are bigger credit hogs
than the Red Cross.
239
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,166
I must disagree, Mrs. Bart.
240
00:13:53,584 --> 00:13:56,295
They've painted this town
with a fresh coat of give-a-hoot.
241
00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:59,736
Well, you ain't seen nothing
until you've seen the Pre-Teen Braves.
242
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,769
Pre-Teen Braves?
243
00:14:02,176 --> 00:14:04,480
Another of those youth groups
that apes the cultures...
244
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:07,128
...of indigenous peoples
you invaded and destroyed?
245
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:08,515
Exactly. The Pre-Teen Braves.
246
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,121
Exactly. The Pre-Teen Braves.
247
00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,060
[JONI MITCHELL'S
"ONE TIN SOLDIER" PLAYING]
248
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:15,335
Go ahead and hate your neighbor
Go ahead and cheat a friend
249
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:20,256
Do it in the name of Heaven
You can justify it in the end
250
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:26,106
There won't be any trumpets blowing
Come the judgment day
251
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:29,661
On the bloody morning after
252
00:14:31,455 --> 00:14:32,331
Hey.
253
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,918
One tin soldier rides away
254
00:14:36,585 --> 00:14:38,378
[ALL SCREAM]
255
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,544
Hello, I'm heavyweight champ,
Drederick Tatum...
256
00:14:48,055 --> 00:14:50,505
...here to issue a challenge
to the youth groups of Springfield.
257
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,778
Whichever one sells
the most candy...
258
00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:56,626
...will be honorary batboys
at the nextlsotopes home game.
259
00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:58,701
[ALL GASP]
260
00:14:59,107 --> 00:15:01,850
Proceeds will go towards keeping
people like me off the streets.
261
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:05,812
I can't help myself. Punch and grope.
Punch and grope. It's all I was taught.
262
00:15:06,490 --> 00:15:08,283
This is a perfect opportunity.
263
00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:11,411
We'll beat those Cavalry Kids
by selling candy.
264
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:14,925
I'm a brick.
265
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:18,085
"We will crush you
and smother your dreams.
266
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,525
Yours in Christ, the Cavalry Kids."
267
00:15:21,004 --> 00:15:23,350
Marge, you were an excellent
peacetime chief...
268
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:26,228
...but these times
call for men of cruelty.
269
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:30,931
Oh, it's too tight.
Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.
270
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,621
Men of cruelty.
271
00:15:45,487 --> 00:15:46,697
[CHUCKLES]
272
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,720
Okay, Bart. Back up the truck.
273
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:51,097
[TRUCK BEEPING]
274
00:15:51,577 --> 00:15:53,224
Mr. Leonard, Mr. Carlson?
275
00:15:53,662 --> 00:15:55,779
Would you like to buy
some candy bars for charity?
276
00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:57,530
Oh, sure. We were just gonna buy...
277
00:15:57,916 --> 00:16:00,408
...the same candy inside the store
but for less.
278
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:07,718
Oh, man, that went south quick.
I gotta find a bathroom.
279
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,460
Your candy is tainted.
280
00:16:10,929 --> 00:16:14,224
The batboy prize
is forever beyond your reach.
281
00:16:14,892 --> 00:16:17,968
Candy for sale.
Get your unpoisoned candy.
282
00:16:18,604 --> 00:16:20,543
It's laxative-free for today's lifestyle.
283
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:23,327
Melts in your mouth,
not in your pants.
284
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,665
Greetings, Springfielders.
285
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,199
It gives me pleasure
to announce the group...
286
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:32,305
...which has sold the most candy.
287
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:35,485
Could everyone please lean forward
expectantly?
288
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:42,127
"The Cavalry Kids."
289
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:44,411
ALL:
Yes! All right!
290
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,381
Oh, the indignity.
291
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:47,674
[ALL SIGH]
292
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,573
Wait a minute.
How could those stupid jarheads win?
293
00:16:51,136 --> 00:16:53,441
Who'd want candy
filled with laxatives?
294
00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:55,432
ALL:
Mm...
295
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,341
Holy moly.
I'm moving like Ginger Rogers.
296
00:16:58,894 --> 00:17:01,855
Looks like this is one time
the Indians didn't win.
297
00:17:02,481 --> 00:17:04,452
[LAUGHING]
298
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:06,547
Well, that's it. They've beaten us.
299
00:17:06,985 --> 00:17:08,779
At least we made a lot of people sick.
300
00:17:09,238 --> 00:17:10,551
Well, I'm not finished.
301
00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:13,106
Where does it say
we have to be gracious in defeat?
302
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,369
It's on the back of our vests.
303
00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:18,685
Marge, remove that stitching.
304
00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:23,199
Son, your success has inspired me.
305
00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:27,579
I'm gonna take that bartending course,
including today's lighter drinks.
306
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:33,272
VIP. That's us.
307
00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:36,077
[CHUCKLES]
308
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:38,548
People will do anything
a sign tells them.
309
00:17:42,563 --> 00:17:44,940
Ah. Boy, that slaked my thirst.
310
00:17:45,482 --> 00:17:47,933
Or did it?
311
00:17:51,572 --> 00:17:54,283
MILHOUSE: Dad, we're gonna be late
for the game.
312
00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:57,390
Do you have 5 bucks
for regular parking? Because I don't.
313
00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:04,762
Welcome, fans
of America's favorite pastime...
314
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,327
"Baseball"? Eh.
315
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:11,237
Here to perform the national anthem
are today's honorary batboys...
316
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:14,595
...the Cavalry Kids
led by Milhouse Van Houten.
317
00:18:15,179 --> 00:18:16,159
[CROWD CHEERING
& APPLAUDING]
318
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:20,611
After this prank, everyone's gonna hate
those Cavalry clods as much as we do.
319
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,627
[SINGING]
Oh, say can you see
320
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:30,162
Back in row double-Z
321
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,885
That the team sucks out loud
322
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:38,087
And you fans are all plowed
323
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,068
[GASPING]
324
00:18:40,454 --> 00:18:43,384
This is an outrage.
The Cavalry Kids must hate America.
325
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:46,710
Hey, show some respect.
My dad died in some war.
326
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,087
You call this a large beer?
327
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:51,298
[TRUMPETING]
328
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:56,710
It's a hoax. I'm the real Milhouse.
329
00:18:57,262 --> 00:18:58,242
[ALL GASP]
330
00:18:58,597 --> 00:18:59,765
Time to knock off this knock-off.
331
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,403
[GRUNTING]
332
00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:06,751
Pound him, Milhouse.
333
00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:09,598
You talk pretty tough
for a man without health insurance.
334
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,569
I'm on federal assistance. Unh!
335
00:19:13,111 --> 00:19:15,343
You lay off
my girlfriend's ex-husband.
336
00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:17,908
[ALL GRUNTING]
337
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:29,054
Jeez, I don't remember this much
bad blood when I was a Cavalry Kid.
338
00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:31,056
I was a Pre-Teen Brave.
339
00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:32,892
- Unh!
- Ow!
340
00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:34,393
I sang at your wedding.
341
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:37,719
Yeah, "The Best Is Yet to Come."
Real original.
342
00:19:39,555 --> 00:19:40,764
[MONKEY GIBBERS
AND KRUSTY SCREAMS]
343
00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:42,599
Oh, jeez, how did this happen?
344
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:46,270
All I wanted
was to glue feathers on felt...
345
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:49,127
...and teach the boys
good citizenship.
346
00:19:49,648 --> 00:19:50,555
[SOBS]
347
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:53,016
And now it's a donnybrook.
348
00:19:53,527 --> 00:19:55,320
[CRYING]
349
00:19:57,197 --> 00:20:00,565
Oh, my God. That's my wife.
And she's crying.
350
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:02,150
WILLIE:
Unh! Huh?
351
00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:05,091
Oh, lassie, dry your tears.
352
00:20:05,664 --> 00:20:07,311
Then show us your boobs.
353
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:09,063
Ow! Ow!
354
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:12,202
- God, help me.
- Dear God, why are we fighting?
355
00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:13,922
I ain't doing any fighting.
356
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:19,626
Let us end this mindless violence,
and join our hands in song.
357
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:23,546
Aye. Not a hymn to war
like our national anthem...
358
00:20:24,183 --> 00:20:28,875
...but a sweet soothing hymn
like the national anthem of Canada.
359
00:20:29,730 --> 00:20:32,180
[SINGING]
O Canada
360
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:35,371
Our home and native land
361
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:39,125
ALL:
True patriot love
362
00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:42,816
In all thy sons command
363
00:20:43,577 --> 00:20:47,206
With glowing hearts we see thee rise
364
00:20:47,915 --> 00:20:51,022
The True North, strong and free
365
00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:57,195
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee
366
00:20:58,175 --> 00:21:00,886
Well, Bart, we've learned
that war is not the answer.
367
00:21:01,470 --> 00:21:04,431
- Except to all of America's problems.
- Amen.
368
00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:52,271
WOMAN:
Shh.
369
00:21:57,609 --> 00:21:58,485
[English - US -SDH]