1
00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,363
<i>(SINGING) The Simpsons</i>

2
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:10,321
D'oh!

3
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:11,441
(SCREAMS)

4
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:12,721
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

5
00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,968
ALL: (SCREAM)

6
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:31,802
ANNOUNCER: <i>We now return to
"Blacula Meets Black Dracula."</i>

7
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,440
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

8
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,249
<i>I'm turning this
disco into a hockey rink.</i>

9
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,004
<i>You mean a honky rink.</i>

10
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,329
(SCREAMING)

11
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:49,682
You know, Black Dracula is now
a Congressman from Virginia.

12
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,211
(HUMMING)

13
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:52,885
Bart, where did
you get those?

14
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,570
There's an open
house next door.

15
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,041
They're giving out cookies
and business cards.

16
00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,288
Check it out.
I'm a business jerk.

17
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,011
(GRUNTING)

18
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:03,890
Marge, I don't want
to buy this house.

19
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,691
I'd have to live
next door to myself.

20
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(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

21
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:10,601
Turn that down.

22
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:11,846
Screw you.

23
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:13,320
(GRUNTS)

24
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:16,089
Relax.
We're just looky-loos.

25
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,243
We're only here
to compare our lifestyle
to our neighbors'.

26
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,408
Come on, Marge.
It's not fair to

27
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,608
compare us to
an American household.

28
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(GASPS)
It's so beautiful and modern.

29
00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:30,445
Ooh.

30
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,967
A sub-zero fridge.

31
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A slightly colder fridge?

32
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In my lifetime? Amazing.

33
00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,850
This is the kitchen
I've always wanted.

34
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(GASPS) Ooh,
a bread-maker maker.

35
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,405
(WHIRRING)

36
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,521
And check this out.
A walk-in microwave.

37
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:57,050
Hey,
Marge, can you press "stop"
when my popcorn's done?

38
00:01:58,760 --> 00:01:59,761
Uh-oh.

39
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,723
(HUMMING)

40
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:02,921
Hmm.

41
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,160
(GASPS)

42
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,120
(GASPS)

43
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(GROANS)

44
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:13,043
Homie, when I married you,
I knew we wouldn't
live in luxury.

45
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:14,884
And I kept that vow.

46
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(BOTH GASP)

47
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,240
But seeing that kitchen today
made me wish we had something

48
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,209
a little better for ourselves.

49
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,328
I'll build you
a new kitchen, sweetie.

50
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,324
Oh, Homie,
that's so thoughtful.

51
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:30,449
But maybe we should hire
a professional contractor.

52
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:34,366
A contractor?
Those guys are
the biggest crooks around.

53
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:39,002
They charge for
materials and labor.
Pick one, jerks.

54
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:40,885
(HUMMING)

55
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(GRUNTS)

56
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,128
(GROANING)

57
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:54,251
Man, that hurt.

58
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,601
Now to do
the exact same thing again.

59
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,125
(GROANING)

60
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,808
Maybe you should
turn off the power.

61
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,291
All right.

62
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,004
(GRUNTING)

63
00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:07,605
Don't demolish along the way.

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HOMER: Fine.

65
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,570
Easy. Easy.

66
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,609
<i>Playdude</i> magazines?

67
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,047
Have you been hiding
bosom rags from me?

68
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,360
Trying to. (CHUCKLES)

69
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,964
These magazines are from
before we were married.

70
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,451
Maybe you should
throw them away.

71
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:26,965
But I need them
for the articles.

72
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,247
Mmm. The articles, eh?

73
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:34,010
So, you wouldn't mind
if I cut out all
the erotic nudes?

74
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,730
Of course not.

75
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,407
Why would I want to look
at a nude woman I'm
not even married to?

76
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,484
I mean, l wouldn't even know
how she could improve me.

77
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:43,800
Hmm.

78
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,724
"I'm not wearing any clothes,

79
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:51,566
"so why don't
I just splay myself
on a pool table?"

80
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:52,687
(GRUNTS)

81
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:55,122
Steady. Steady.

82
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,161
Okay, here's your
precious articles.

83
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:02,369
Thanks, Marge.
I can't wait
to read about...

84
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,081
"Sport Fishing
With Sonny Jurgensen."
(SOBBING)

85
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:07,841
(GRUNTS)

86
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,328
What man would want you now?

87
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:14,689
Whoa! <i>Playdudes!</i>

88
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,491
Let the blossoming
of Milhouse begin.

89
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,285
I gotta be honest.
I don't see what all
the hubbub is about.

90
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,966
Hey. The lady in
this picture is hot.

91
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,289
She can calamine
my hives anytime.

92
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,442
That's Congresswoman
Bella Abzug.

93
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:32,363
MILHOUSE: Ciao, Bella.

94
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,171
The grownups in this magazine
are pretty cool.

95
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,081
BART: I could make the tree
house look like this.

96
00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,367
Then we could have orgies,
whatever they are.

97
00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,128
We'll be <i>Playdude</i> Playmates.

98
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,248
BOTH:
We are <i>Playdude</i> Playmates.

99
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,721
We are <i>Playdude</i> Playmates.

100
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,446
There it is,
nice and smooth.

101
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:53,403
I'd like to see
your boyfriend,

102
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,483
the contractor,
do a better job.

103
00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,086
I think you used
too much plaster.

104
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,125
(SNORTS)
Now you tell me.

105
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:01,651
I never stopped
telling you.

106
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,644
So, that's what
that white noise was.

107
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,564
I'm calling a contractor.

108
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,164
Thanks for taking the job.

109
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,244
I'm sorry my husband
is being so difficult.

110
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:16,927
Get lost, crook.

111
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,525
That's all right,
Mrs. Simpson.

112
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,604
Many husbands feel emasculated
when their wife must turn

113
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,843
to a professional
to satisfy her
remodeling needs.

114
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,285
Why don't you just kiss her?

115
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,084
I'm gay.
But I have a subcontractor

116
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,924
that does that
sort of thing for me.

117
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,367
I like to kiss.

118
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,283
(KISSING)

119
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,530
Now, don't you worry.
Your kitchen will be
done in three weeks.

120
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:44,686
When Virginia Woolf
wrote, "Every woman
needs a room of one's own,"

121
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,650
She must have been
talking about the kitchen.

122
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,688
What's the first
thing you're gonna make
in your new kitchen?

123
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,205
How about
cooking up some money

124
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:55,410
because this stupid
kitchen cost $100,000.
(CRYING)

125
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,482
I was thinking
of chicken wings.

126
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,891
Those are good, too.

127
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:04,806
Same old stuff.

128
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,562
Meatloaf,
casserole, tuna loaf,
loaferole, cassaloaf...

129
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:14,047
Marge Simpson's
Wasabi Buffalo Wings?

130
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:18,011
Ooh. An Eastern
twist on a Western
New York favorite.

131
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,445
(ALL MOANING)

132
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,809
These wings are going
straight to my thighs
and I say bon voyage.

133
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,440
What do you think,
Thomas Pynchon?

134
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,325
(MUNCHING)

135
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,244
These wings are V-licious.

136
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,688
I'll put this recipe in the
<i>Gravity's Rainbow Cookbook</i>

137
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:41,207
right next to
the Frying of Latke 49.

138
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:45,122
I agree with my
fellow Cornell alumnus.

139
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:46,531
Huzzah for Marge.

140
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,005
ALL: Huzzah.

141
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,921
And how about a huzzah
for my husband who paid
for our new kitchen?

142
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,161
Never

143
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,610
Marge, you know, I thought
I was Springfield's
wing-ding king.

144
00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,365
But you make
my chicken look like
cock-a-diddily doo doo.

145
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,051
Great stuff, Ned.

146
00:07:02,440 --> 00:07:04,488
You know, I was gonna enter
this here Ovenfresh Bakeoff.

147
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,889
But up against you,
I wouldn't have
a Hindu's chance in heaven.

148
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,242
If you win,
Ovenfresh Industries

149
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,164
will make you
the new face
of Auntie Ovenfresh.

150
00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:18,123
Come on, Marge.
It's either you or...

151
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,602
I guess it would be a hoot
to have my face on everything.

152
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,200
Oh, Mrs. Simpson,
you must pursue your dreams,

153
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,081
like my old dream
of coming to America
and starting a family.

154
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,521
Or my new dream of
ditching my family

155
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,001
and sneaking back
to India in disguise.

156
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,762
Apu? Never heard of him.

157
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,729
My name is Steve Barnes.

158
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,370
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

159
00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,730
So, when do they
start singing?

160
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,165
Well, the <i>Playdude</i>
Advisor says

161
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:49,685
this music will
get a stewardess

162
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,125
to give you a layover.

163
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,642
I hope it's in Omaha.
My grammy lives there.

164
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:57,166
MARGE: Bart, can you come
in here for a second?

165
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:02,010
Your mother is
about to show us
her new recipe.

166
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,209
Outta sight.
Lay it on me, Mama.

167
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,850
In the Ovenfresh Bakeoff,

168
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,969
clever presentation
is as important as taste.

169
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:13,249
So, I'm entering
my dessert dogs.

170
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,962
It's deep-fried cookie dough
with meringue buns,

171
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,601
cherry ketchup,
and caramel mustard.

172
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,206
Mmm!

173
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,204
It's dessert
but it's hot dogs,
so it's good for you.

174
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:33,444
Marge, I don't
want to freak you out,
but I think I love you.

175
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:39,768
Oh, I hope the
Ovenfresh Bakeoff likes
them as much as you do.

176
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,805
Mmm.

177
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,247
Mom, a letter from
Ovenfresh Industries.

178
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,290
Well, open it.
Open it. Open it.

179
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:53,203
"Thank you for applying
to the Ovenfresh Bakeoff.

180
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,966
"Every year many
wonderful cooks
fail to qualify.

181
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:58,121
(SIGHS)

182
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,090
"But screw them, you're in.
Congratulations."

183
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,565
Oh, my God.

184
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,531
Someone somewhere
says I'm better
than someone else.

185
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:08,728
I'm proud of you, honey.

186
00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,250
(CRYING)

187
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:18,161
Sorry, Ralphie.
The bakeoff
rejected your recipe.

188
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:19,645
I want to be in the bakeoff.

189
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,171
There, there.

190
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:24,289
I think your
grilled crayon sandwich
was delicious.

191
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,442
You only had
a pretend bite.

192
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,443
No. I'm eating it, look.

193
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,488
Mmm.

194
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,044
Can you taste
the thumbtacks?

195
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,810
Aw, crap.

196
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,965
<i>I'm here live at the annual
Ovenfresh Bakeoff</i>

197
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,849
<i>brought to you by
the Ovenfresh Flour</i>

198
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,769
<i>family of products.
Including...</i>

199
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,205
(JOURNALIST READING)

200
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,162
<i>Quetzalcoatl's choice,
the favorite</i>

201
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,328
<i>from Zihuatanejo
to Popocatépetl.</i>

202
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,401
Ha-ha!

203
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,363
Bart looks different today.

204
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:09,562
Aw, Nelson, your debonair
wit reminds me of
a young Mort Sahl.

205
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:12,406
Guh?
Listen up,
ring-a-ding-dingers.

206
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,563
I'm throwing
a little sip 'n' quip
at the <i>Playdude</i> Tree House.

207
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:20,481
Saturday night at
the top of the ladder.
Be there or be square.

208
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,451
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

209
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,721
I want to be a triangle.

210
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,001
You're not invited.

211
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:30,246
It's gonna be weird cooking
without your tipsy father

212
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:33,403
grabbing me from behind.
But I think I'm up to it.

213
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:35,608
Welcome to
the Ovenfresh Bakeoff.

214
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:40,049
I'm Billy Bouillon Cube.
Follow me to
your oven station.

215
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,690
Why thank you, Billy.

216
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,569
Don't look at
my human eyes.

217
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,644
Oh, don't mind Billy.

218
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,007
His oven light's on
but nothing's cooking.
(CHUCKLES)

219
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,528
So, what you making, Marge?

220
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,410
Well, Stuart,
I'm making a dessert

221
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,370
that looks like
a hotdog but it isn't.

222
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,920
You're making a tasty fake?

223
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,081
(CHUCKLES)

224
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,128
That is so '90s.

225
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,806
Why don't we all
move to Seattle
and use slow modems?

226
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,804
(ALL LAUGH)

227
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,401
(SCOFFS) Yo, Marge.
Your recipe, she is pathetic.

228
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,005
She is not.

229
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,563
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

230
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,168
Great licks, man.
Great licks.

231
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,570
Yo, Bart.
There's no room
left in the grotto.

232
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,525
Who's that adult?

233
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,126
Hey, it wouldn't
be a <i>Playdude</i> party
without James Caan.

234
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,801
So, I'm trying to
talk with Miss November

235
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,491
and Charlie Callas over here
is blocking my action with...

236
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,130
(INDISTINCT)

237
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,123
Turns out he's
choking on a peanut.

238
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,282
Well, punch to the gut
cleared that right up.

239
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:44,725
(KIDS LAUGHING)

240
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,962
Hey, Bart.
Me and Mrs. Krabappel,

241
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,970
we're gonna go
play some backgammon,
if you know what I mean.

242
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,320
I don't. But I hope you win.

243
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,811
Oh, he's gonna win.

244
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,611
Some guys like
a challenge, not me.

245
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,848
Ladies and gentlemen.
Before we begin,

246
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:03,642
let us introduce
Auntie Ovenfresh 1954.

247
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:08,328
Ribbons and trophies
are no comfort
on your deathbed.

248
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,563
Auntie Ovenfresh.
(CHUCKLING)

249
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:14,371
And now, chefs.
Start your kitchens.

250
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,081
(GASPS)

251
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,281
Huh?

252
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,486
Fish scales?

253
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,128
Stop.
You're tainting my entry.

254
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,810
Oh, I'm so sorry.

255
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:32,681
It was, how you say,
done with malice
aforethought, yes?

256
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,006
You did it on purpose?

257
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,326
No, no, no, no, no, no.

258
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,249
My English,
she's not so good.

259
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:42,002
I was, how you say,
ruining your
food so I win, yes?

260
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,366
(SIGHS)

261
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:47,126
Why is everyone
at this bakeoff
such a meanie-bo-beanie?

262
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,202
These muffin-huffin'
batter biddies

263
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,288
can smell weakness
a mile away.

264
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:52,811
Weakness named Marge.

265
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:55,731
Why can't everyone
just play fair and...

266
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,690
Did you just dunk your hair
in my mixing bowl?

267
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,489
You're weak. Weak.

268
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:04,407
Listen here, Simpson.

269
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,563
Your son has been exposing
our kids to adult themes,

270
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:11,730
unabashed dictionaries
and the lesser short fiction
of John Cheever.

271
00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:14,207
Adult themes?
What are you talking about?

272
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,170
My Roddy told a joke
about an octopus
and a set of bagpipes.

273
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,766
And the punch line
implied that they fornicated.

274
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:21,410
Ralphie wants
to go on the pill.

275
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:22,801
Stupid Bart.

276
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:23,927
(CHUCKUNG)

277
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,561
Bagpipes getting
down with an octopus,
that's classic.

278
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,882
Hot bananas
coming through. Oops.

279
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,201
(GASPS)

280
00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:32,566
My dessert.

281
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,563
(PANTING FRANTICALLY)

282
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,209
(SOBBING)

283
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:40,401
Come on, Mom.

284
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,881
You still have
20 minutes left.
You can fix it.

285
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,450
You're right. If I can
feed a family of five

286
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,404
on $12 a week,
I can do anything.

287
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,842
You feed us on $12 a week?

288
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,446
I stretch your
father's meatloaf
with sawdust.

289
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,608
Attention, contestants.
Baking time is over.

290
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,961
The judging will
commence in one hour.

291
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,644
If your dish is not
in the judging room

292
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,200
by the time this metal door
hits the ground,

293
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,850
your entry will
not be official

294
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,530
and will be
eaten by the janitor.

295
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,761
(BUZZING)

296
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:15,806
Hurry, Mom.

297
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,363
Oh! I guess I was
the last one.

298
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:24,360
AGNES: Damn it.

299
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,646
These other
dishes look so pretty.

300
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,803
And those cheaters
blackened my sugar wieners.

301
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:38,010
I'd like to give
those Betty Crookeds
a taste of their own medicine.

302
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:42,482
Yes, medicine.

303
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,483
(MARGE READING)

304
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:47,328
(SINISTER LAUGH)

305
00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:51,641
Ugh.

306
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,201
Even the Pope
couldn't forgive this pizza.

307
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,045
And he's letting
a lot of things
slide these days.

308
00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,563
Don't worry. There's
plenty for all of you.

309
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,881
Now who's laughing? Huh?

310
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,008
Huh? (LAUGHING)

311
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,083
Me. I'm laughing.

312
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,400
(LAUGHS)

313
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,527
I can't believe
my mom would cheat.

314
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:24,090
Hi, sweetie.
Is Morn winning?

315
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:27,721
Oh, she'll win the contest,
but she'll lose her soul.

316
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,370
But she'll still
win the contest?

317
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,010
And lose her soul.

318
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,730
But win the contest?
Yes.

319
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,525
Whoo-hoo! If Marge
becomes Auntie Ovenfresh,

320
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,047
we'll meet all
the food personalities.

321
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,770
Look. It's Mister Cashew,
the Koobler Dwarves,

322
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,649
Snip, Krinkle, and Poof.

323
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,201
Twinkle the Kidd,
I love you.

324
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,521
Whoa, easy there, partner.

325
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:53,886
(GROANING)

326
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:56,526
Uh-oh.

327
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,571
You killed him.

328
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,961
He was my world.

329
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:06,409
ALL: (CHANTING)
Blood for cream.

330
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,164
Blood for cream.

331
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:11,688
Blood for cream.
Blood for cream.

332
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:14,441
It's always difficult
to pick two finalists.

333
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,410
But this year it was easy.
All the other
dishes made us vomit.

334
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,486
(RETCHING)

335
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,050
Our two remaining dishes are

336
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,090
Blackened Dessert Dogs
by Marge Simpson

337
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:28,245
And Armadillo à la Road
by Brandine and
no last name given .

338
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,125
That's an entry?
I thought it was garbage .

339
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,528
Just 'cause it was cooked
In a garbage can don't
make it garbage .

340
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,251
(CHUCKLING)

341
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,323
"Canned and frozen juices
are more popular
than ever these days.

342
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:47,767
"But most bachelors
we know would

343
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,161
"prefer to squeeze
their own tomatoes."

344
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,443
(LAUGHING)

345
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,367
Bachelors are
always squeezing stuff.

346
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,124
Would you excuse us, Milton?

347
00:16:58,280 --> 00:16:59,725
It's Milhouse.

348
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,644
Yeah, and your father's
no house. Now, scram.

349
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,165
(GROANS)

350
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,522
Maybe I was a little
hard on him. Oh, well.

351
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:09,648
Bart, I know
a father has no right to

352
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:11,888
pry into the life of
his 10-year-old son.

353
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,041
But what's going
on up here?

354
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,929
I'm just spreading
the <i>Playdude</i> philosophy.

355
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,367
Hi-fi's, Norman Mailer,
getting some.

356
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:18,811
Uh, um...

357
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,729
What do you think "some" is?

358
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:21,841
Uh,

359
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,246
toys?

360
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,241
(SIGHS) I thought I'd
never have to do this,

361
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,761
but it's time to tell
you the facts of life.

362
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:31,646
Do you know what a boob is?

363
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,086
Oh, yeah.

364
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,851
Good. That'll save
us some time. Okay.

365
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:39,720
Why do you think your mother
and I sleep in the same bed?

366
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:41,086
Because we're poor?

367
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,361
Exactly.

368
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:44,283
And we're poor
because we have kids.

369
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,449
And the biological
method by which

370
00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,046
children are created
by a man and a woman is...

371
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,769
(BART SCREAMS)

372
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:55,926
BART: Then the man...

373
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,729
(KIDS SCREAM)

374
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,650
BART AND MILLHOUSE:
Then the woman...

375
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,769
(KIDS SCREAM)

376
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,927
(KIDS SCREAMING)

377
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,802
(SCREAMING)
Well, it's better
they hear it from me now

378
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,962
than from their parents
when they're old enough.

379
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,170
Congratulations, Mom.

380
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,005
You seem to have
a prescription for success.

381
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:25,442
What a kind yet oddly
ominous thing to say.

382
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,443
Now, I've gotta get
ready for the finals.

383
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:29,682
Don't forget your
secret ingredient.

384
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,366
Cheating.

385
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,129
Well, it's not my fault.

386
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,283
Lisa, the people
in this bakeoff are stinkers

387
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,728
who pushed me
and pushed me like
the pushy-wushies they are.

388
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:44,447
Mom, if I don't
have you to look up to,
I don't have anyone.

389
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:48,765
Look, I'll be a winner
with feet of clay
like Mickey Mantle.

390
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,285
Everyone loves the Mick.

391
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,045
I don't want Mickey Mantle.
I want my mom.

392
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,487
Hey, plenty of kids
are gonna look up to me

393
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,961
when I'm Auntie
whatever it is.

394
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,325
Right now, people just know me
as the wife of a guy

395
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,323
who doesn't go to work.

396
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,449
Can't you understand
that I need this?

397
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:09,521
(SIGHS)

398
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,080
I guess Dad has
to be my hero now.

399
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,485
Not if you knew
what he's been doing.
(SHUDDERS)

400
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,771
Welcome to the final battle
of the Ovenfresh Challenge.

401
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:21,844
Ooh, she's already
ahead of me.

402
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,450
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

403
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:31,166
Well, I didn't come
this far not to cheat.

404
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:32,966
Huh?

405
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,651
(MARGE READING)

406
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,921
That's clever and devastating.

407
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,360
(GROANS)

408
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:46,930
Stop the competition.

409
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,206
(ALL GASP)

410
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:50,362
I don't deserve to win.

411
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,126
I sabotaged all
the other entries.

412
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,366
(GASPING)

413
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,568
Looks like me and Marge
are both going to hell.

414
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,210
That's where
I'll make my move.

415
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:02,127
Then I won with my festive
Holiday Alco-Hog.

416
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,606
(RETCHING)

417
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,924
Huh! I thought it was dead.

418
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,810
Mmm.

419
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,406
Thanks, honey,
for saving me from myself.

420
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,401
And, Marge, you'll always be
the best chef in our house.

421
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,411
(SIGHS) BFD.

422
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,164
I've had your
scrambled eggs, Homer.

423
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,004
The secret
ingredient is whiskey.

424
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,128
Hey, it keeps the kids quiet.

425
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:27,480
Hey, look.
The new Ovenfresh Flour bag.

426
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,569
Ah, that could've been me.

427
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,449
CLETUS: Aw,
I wish it had've been.

428
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:32,561
(SOBS)

429
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:37,362
Now that Brandine's famous,
she done run off
with James Caan.

430
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,003
But don't you worry.
I'm gonna fix his wagon.

431
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,524
A tollbooth?
I hate these things.

432
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,850
That's it. Next time I fly.