1
00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:06,243
<i>(SINGING) The Simpsons</i>

2
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:10,969
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

3
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:14,727
(HORN BELLOWING)

4
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:20,646
(BEEPING)

5
00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:26,611
(INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)

6
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:31,081
(PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE)

7
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,090
(TIRES SCREECHING)

8
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:36,721
D'oh!

9
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:37,801
(SCREAMS)

10
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,644
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

11
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,564
Come on, boy.
Take your pill.

12
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,165
(GAGS AND SPITS)

13
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:04,729
Mom, the dog won't
take his medicine.

14
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,610
It helps if you wrap
it in a slice of cheese.

15
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:11,401
<i>Woo-hoo!</i>

16
00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:12,811
Free cheese!

17
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:14,450
Homer, that was
for the dog.

18
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:15,965
What happened to us, Marge?

19
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,487
We used to feed
each other cheese
and laugh all night.

20
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,449
Then came
the heart attacks.

21
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,403
(RUMBLING)
(GASPING)

22
00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:25,290
What's that rumble?

23
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,490
LISA: It's a media circus.

24
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:28,971
Woo-hoo! The circus!

25
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,804
A media circus.

26
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,526
Woo-hoo! I don't know
the difference.

27
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,848
LISA: ABC, CBS.

28
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,362
Uh-oh. The Christian Science
Monitor has a flat tire.

29
00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:40,369
I'll get the spare.

30
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,329
No. We must wait
for God to jack us.

31
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:43,931
<i>In Springfield today,</i>

32
00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,850
<i>a sex scandal has
brought in reporters
from around the world.</i>

33
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,281
<i>Why, here's Fox News.</i>

34
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:52,728
<i>We are the champions</i>

35
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,684
<i>My friend</i>

36
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,487
<i>The cause of all
this commotion is mayor</i>

37
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,961
<i>and suspected
illegal immigrant
Joe Quimby,</i>

38
00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,886
<i>named today in paternity suits
by 27 different women.</i>

39
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,648
(EXCITED CHATTER)

40
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:12,284
<i>Joe, why won't you
acknowledge our love child?</i>

41
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,402
<i>Er, uh,
that is not my baby.</i>

42
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:15,965
<i>(QUIMBY-LIKE) Er, uh,
Waa...</i>

43
00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,603
<i>Raise this as your own.</i>

44
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,368
This is the most
exciting scandal

45
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:26,528
since the Juice
was on the loose!

46
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,086
The Juice is
still on the loose.
(SCREAMS)

47
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,602
<i>Mr. Mayor, just how
many illegitimate children
are you hiding?</i>

48
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,529
<i>Kent, I'm hiding nothing.</i>

49
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,608
<i>Except this puppy.</i>

50
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,250
ALL: Aw.

51
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,404
<i>Look into his eyes
and tell me I'm lying.</i>

52
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,124
<i>Well, I'm placated.</i>

53
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,362
<i>And so are all my friends
in the local media.</i>

54
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,845
(CHUCKLES)

55
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:50,367
<i>I have a question.
Chloe Talbot,
Global News Network.</i>

56
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,566
<i>Oh, it seems
a big-shot reporter from</i>

57
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,286
<i>Some major news
outlet isn't satisfied.</i>

58
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,489
<i>Well, if it isn't local news
legend Kent Brockman.</i>

59
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,086
<i>Hey, Kent, run over
any more pedestrians?</i>

60
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,361
<i>Those records are sealed.</i>

61
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,729
She's from Springfield.
I knew her in high school.

62
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,451
I didn't think
anyone successful
came from Springfield.

63
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,204
What about that
two-headed goat?

64
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:14,328
Technically, he was born
in Shelbyville.

65
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,602
Yes. But he came
here to die.

66
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:21,169
HOMER:
One of you ate tin cans.
One of you ate health food.

67
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,847
How you solved crimes,
I'll never know.

68
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,483
<i>Mr. Mayor, you
claim to be faithful
to your wife.</i>

69
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,809
<i>But I have obtained
this exclusive videotape.</i>

70
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,280
(NERVOUS GROAN)

71
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,282
<i>Come on, baby,
read my sash.</i>

72
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,402
<i>You're the "major"?</i>

73
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,131
<i>That's "mayor,"
you fertile moron!</i>

74
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,370
<i>Two things are certain.</i>

75
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,084
<i>The mayor is
in deep trouble.</i>

76
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:47,170
<i>And the local
newsmen in this
town are idiots.</i>

77
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,810
<i>Channel 6 News rocks!</i>

78
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:52,327
<i>A car chase every night
or the weather
girl wears a tube top!</i>

79
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,971
<i>And if she doesn't,
you win a pizza!</i>

80
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,164
(WISTFUL MURMUR) Chloe sure
turned out successful.

81
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,765
You're successful,
too, Mom.

82
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,242
You made a chore wheel
that's both fair and wise.

83
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,565
(EXCLAIMS)

84
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,324
(BOTH LAUGHING)

85
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,763
Marge, I figured out a way
we can get in on
this Quimby lawsuit.

86
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:18,927
Bart, go ahead.

87
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,289
(QUIMBY-LIKE) Mayor Quimby
is my, er, father. 
Give me $1 million.

88
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:24,486
Huh? Huh?

89
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:26,681
(SIGHS)

90
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,168
(CHANTING)
Diamond Joe's gotta go.

91
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,050
Diamond Joe's
gotta go.

92
00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,441
Mr. Mayor, will you
answer one question?

93
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,369
Only if it's
submitted in writing.

94
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,446
Checkmate.

95
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,849
Marge? Marge Simpson?

96
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,571
Chloe! Hi!

97
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,567
Marge! Oh... Where
are you living now?

98
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,051
Evergreen Terrace.

99
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:55,283
Paris! Just like
you always dreamed.

100
00:04:55,360 --> 00:05:00,207
Terrace. Evergreen
Terrace. The street
that smells like pee.

101
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,607
This is my
daughter, Lisa.

102
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,082
Chloe, I really
admire how you got out

103
00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:07,447
of Springfield and
became such a success.

104
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,602
Hey, only the
lame-o's stay.

105
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,362
And your mother,
super lady.

106
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,846
(GROANING)

107
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,248
Well, it is good
to see you, Chloe.

108
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,362
Would you like to come over
for dinner tomorrow?

109
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,169
Oh, I'd love to.

110
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,164
I'm getting so sick
of these greasy
catered meals.

111
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,641
You insult me,
you insult Italy!

112
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,410
Which is shaped
like a boot.
Who knew?

113
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,561
(DOORBELL RINGS)

114
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,250
Homer Simpson.

115
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:39,524
I saw you
on the television.

116
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,921
I remember you
from high school.

117
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,844
You barfed in my tuba.

118
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,446
I believe it was
the school's tuba.

119
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,048
(MUNCHING)

120
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,922
Chloe, these kebabs
you made

121
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:56,123
are as good or
better than anything
I've ever had at this table.

122
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,201
Homer!

123
00:05:58,280 --> 00:06:00,886
Oh, Marge,
I'm just being polite.

124
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,121
(MUNCHING)

125
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,486
Mmm.

126
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,091
My back pain's
completely cured!

127
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:10,650
That was one too many.

128
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,200
I got the recipe
for these in Istanbul.

129
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:15,281
More.

130
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,241
I was writing a story
for <i>Harper's Magazine.</i>

131
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,685
<i>Harper's Magazine!</i>

132
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,491
I have a picture
of Lewis Lapham
on my binder.

133
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:25,840
(GROWLS)

134
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,727
Oh, but I've been
yapping about
myself all night.

135
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:32,969
Marge, what's exciting
in your life lately?

136
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:34,731
Well...

137
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,608
Uh... Oh, we finally
found out why the dog

138
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,848
was scooting around
on his butt all day.

139
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,164
Turns out he had
an impacted
anal gland.

140
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,922
The excitement
never stops.

141
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,329
Chloe, would you
like to see slides
of our trip to Athens...

142
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,648
Boulevard
Recreational Center?

143
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,166
Pdloveto.

144
00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,130
Oh, my show's on.
Mind if we watch a little?

145
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:01,321
I guess.

146
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,530
ANNOUNCER: <i>"The Talbot Report"
with Chloe Talbot.</i>

147
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:09,126
<i>Tonight Chloe
interviews Bob Dylan.</i>

148
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,967
<i>So, Bob, what religion are
you converting to now?</i>

149
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,520
<i>Hey, I'll tell you
one thing...</i>

150
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:19,207
(UNINTELLIGIBLE GIBBERISH)

151
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,089
<i>No war. Shalom.</i>

152
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,606
<i>ANNOUNCER: Followed by
Chloe's triumphant return</i>

153
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,684
<i>to her depressing
little hometown,
Springfield.</i>

154
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:31,091
<i>Hello, Ned.
Hey, Comic Book Guy.</i>

155
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,051
<i>Krusty the Clown,
I thought he was dead.</i>

156
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:38,280
<i>Yeah. I guess you ain't
been to too many
supermarket openings lately.</i>

157
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,600
(GROANS)

158
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,882
You know, Chloe,
some of us stayed

159
00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,202
in this town and
made it a better place.

160
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:45,731
Oh, come on, Marge.

161
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,689
The only reason
we don't move out
of this dunghill

162
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,808
is because
of my court-ordered
ankle bracelet.

163
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:50,881
(BEEPING)

164
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,843
I'm here. I'm here.
Quit bugging me.

165
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,526
Why do you always have
to show that to company?

166
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,523
It's a conversation starter.

167
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,281
(GROANS)

168
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:06,322
This is the dance
the Chinese government

169
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,006
makes dissidents perform
before they shoot them.

170
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,651
(VOCALIZING)

171
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,610
(VOCALIZING)

172
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,645
Homer, what are you doing?

173
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,604
I swallowed a chicken bone.

174
00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,284
(GAGGING)

175
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:25,841
(SIGHS)

176
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,810
Chloe, you've lived
so many fascinating places.

177
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:30,848
Yes, but down
deep in my heart,

178
00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:34,208
I'll always be the girl
who wanted to
leave Springfield.

179
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,725
Gee, with all that travel,

180
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:39,168
you probably
haven't had much time
to find that special someone.

181
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,890
Oh, I've had a few flings.

182
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,961
(COUGHING NAMES) Bill Clinton.
Schwarzenegger. Oh, excuse me.

183
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,284
But not all of us
can be as lucky
as you, Marge.

184
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,970
Homer's a wonderful man.

185
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,169
(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)

186
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,050
Did you just
swallow another bone?

187
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:55,730
Same one!

188
00:08:56,800 --> 00:09:01,124
Chloe is amazing.
Even her serving
bowl smells glamorous.

189
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:02,565
(INHALES)

190
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,201
That's ridiculous!
No one's bowl smells...

191
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,486
(INHALES)

192
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:10,531
It's like Christmas in Aspen.

193
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,290
(SIGHS)

194
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:16,401
Did you know
back in high school
that she'd be such a star?

195
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:18,528
Back then
we were both stars

196
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,889
in the thrill-a-minute world
of high school journalism.

197
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,528
<i>MARGE: Together,
we broke the biggest story
of the semester.</i>

198
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:32,002
<i>One of the cafeteria workers
was spitting in the soup.</i>

199
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,404
I'll teach you to give me
my first job out of prison.

200
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:36,931
(SPITS)

201
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,565
<i>When we published the story,</i>

202
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:41,604
<i>we received
the school's highest award.</i>

203
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,290
Ladies,
it is my great pleasure

204
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:44,970
to award you these
certificates of merit.

205
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,609
In this box marked "honoree,"
fill in your names.

206
00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,444
And over here,
write in what you did.

207
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,683
I'll be back.
You ain't tasted
the last of my spit.

208
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,691
Oh, that Moe.

209
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,525
But good for you, Mom.

210
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,001
Why didn't you follow Chloe
into journalism?

211
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,691
Well, we both faced
a tough decision.

212
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,482
<i>Go off to journalism school,</i>

213
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,689
<i>or stay in Springfield
with our sweethearts?</i>

214
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:11,645
(MOANING)

215
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,490
Stay with me, Marge.

216
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:19,406
And I promise
we'll travel the world
and perhaps outer space.

217
00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,284
(IMITATES STAR SHIPS)

218
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,727
(IMITATES LASER GUNS)

219
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,369
(MOANING)

220
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:28,925
Barney...

221
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,770
I love you, Chloe.

222
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,327
And I love you,
too, brake fluid.

223
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:39,411
(BELCH)

224
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,724
Chloe left town
as soon as Barney proposed.

225
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:44,961
I would've followed her,

226
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:50,484
but my plans changed
when God brought me
a wonderful little boy.

227
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,005
Bart, stop that!

228
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:53,844
This isn't what
it looks like.

229
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,082
(GRUNTING)

230
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,449
Why would Homer
write his name in grime?

231
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,923
(GRUNTING)

232
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,084
Ah, that's better.

233
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,651
Mom, Chloe just won
the Peabody Award.

234
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:13,606
Well, I just made
the bathroom floor
smell like lemons.

235
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,609
Where's the
award for that?

236
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,002
Oh, Mom, don't feel bad.

237
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,003
Everybody
appreciates your...

238
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:23,562
Uh-oh. I'm late for my
dinner with Chloe.

239
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,006
(GIGGLES)

240
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,205
HOMER: Good news, Marge.

241
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:32,443
I've learned to
walk naked on stilts.

242
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,726
(GROANS)
Whoa, whoa.

243
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,401
(GASPS)

244
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,568
There's Dan Rather
and Tom Brokaw

245
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,768
hanging out
with Kent Brockman!

246
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,968
You want your mike back,
local anchor?

247
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,281
This just in.
I'm pissed off.

248
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,805
Hi, fellas.

249
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,561
Chloe, you want
to feel my muscle?
(CHUCKLES)

250
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,766
Chloe has such
an amazing life.

251
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:56,841
(SIGHS)

252
00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,362
I wonder what
would've happened
if I'd stuck with journalism?

253
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,410
Oh, honey, her life
can't compare to yours.

254
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,485
You've got three kids,
a TV tray from Expo 67,

255
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,562
and you're
married to King Stink!

256
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,483
Yeah, I guess.

257
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:12,721
Marge, listen to me.

258
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,646
Chloe may have
a flashy job, but you're
the backbone of this family.

259
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:18,370
You're like the electrical
tape that holds

260
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,130
the two halves of
my car together.

261
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,202
That's a sweet
thought, Homie.

262
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,124
I just hate to see
you upset, honey.

263
00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:28,690
(GASPS) You know what would
be a good name for Maggie?

264
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:29,921
Chloe!

265
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,366
Oh!

266
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:33,922
That was such
an exciting night.

267
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,891
Morley Safer has
the biggest head
I've ever seen.

268
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:39,810
I really had fun.

269
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:43,767
(SIGHS) It's gonna be
a letdown going
to school tomorrow.

270
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,048
We have to make
a pilgrim out of felt.

271
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,922
Hey, I'm covering
the UN Women's

272
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,208
Conference in
Capital City tomorrow.

273
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,130
You want to come
with me?

274
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:55,369
Oh, that'd be wonderful!

275
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,323
Oh, I'd have
to ask my mom.

276
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:01,007
You can ask her right now.
She's glaring at us
from the front lawn.

277
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:05,605
Marge, it's my fault
we're a little late.

278
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:10,044
How dare you show my daughter
a life of fun and possibility?

279
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,203
Hey!
Keep your dishwashing
hands off the Armani.

280
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:18,002
For your information,
our electric dishwasher
is on the fritz.

281
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:23,011
Not that you care about
the ups and downs
of my appliances.

282
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,003
Do you? Do you?

283
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,570
Oh! That's it!

284
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,210
I'm going to
show you some moves

285
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,765
I learned from 
G. Gordon Liddy!

286
00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:31,763
I'm so sick of names!

287
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,448
(BOTH GRUNTING)

288
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:39,526
CHLOE: Oh! My hair!

289
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:44,083
Ladies, (CHUCKLE) there's no
need to fight over me.

290
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,242
No one's fighting over you!

291
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,561
Oh. Well, then carry on.

292
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,009
CHLOE: You don't know
when to quit.

293
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,447
"Shiner Be Gone."

294
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:08,044
<i>Tura-Iura-Iura</i>

295
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:16,287
<i>Tura-lura-li...</i>

296
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:18,966
Hmm.

297
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:24,286
Lisa, honey,
let me explain
what happened tonight.

298
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:28,126
Sometimes when your mom
has half a glass of wine,

299
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,083
she goes cuckoo bananas.

300
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:34,570
Hmm. So, is it okay
if I go to the Women's
Conference with Chloe?

301
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,883
Let me think
about it. No.

302
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,329
(GIGGLES)

303
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,243
Oh, I've never
disobeyed Mom before.

304
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,410
Is this a step I'm
really willing to take?

305
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,326
I don't know. The more
I think about it, the...
(GRUNTS)

306
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,285
Thinking is for losers.

307
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,768
Bart!
Thanks for helping
me make up my mind!

308
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,525
Thanks for cushioning my fall.

309
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,404
I didn't cushion your...
(GRUNTS)

310
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:16,088
Chloe, I saw your
report on Kuala Lumpur.
Truly hard-hitting.

311
00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:18,686
Thanks, Tom.
I really appreciate that.

312
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,162
(CHUCKLES) So I...
You know, I was wondering...

313
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:22,321
Yes?

314
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,049
Would you like
to come to my celebrity
racquetball tournament?

315
00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:27,770
I'll have to
check my schedule.

316
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,003
(GRUNTS)
(LISA GRUNTS)

317
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,969
I'll give you
a first-round bye.

318
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,771
Gotta go, Tom.
I'll think about it.

319
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,126
Lisa, breakfast.

320
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,045
I know you're mad at me.

321
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,607
But I hope you're not mad
at Cap'n Crunch...

322
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,250
(GASPING)

323
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,761
(CHOKING)
(GRUNTING)

324
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,207
Homer, we've
gotta get Lisa!

325
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:56,126
All right. While I'm gone,
boy, you think about
what you did.

326
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:57,807
(GRUNTS) What did <i>I</i> do?

327
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,247
You... Why, you little...
(CHOKING)

328
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:04,289
You need a reason for
strangling, do you...

329
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,562
I'll fix your wagon...

330
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,041
(CELL PHONE RINGS)

331
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,246
Hello?

332
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,890
Chloe, forget about
the Women's Conference.

333
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,803
I need you to get over
to Mount Springfield!

334
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,041
It's about to erupt.

335
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,164
Don't we have a reporter
who specializes in
natural disasters?

336
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,527
Yeah. He's busy covering
Julia Roberts' last haircut.

337
00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:22,601
(CHUCKLES)

338
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,529
But seriously, he's dead.
Now, get going.

339
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,202
Hey there! My name's Chet.

340
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,131
I'm the cameraman
for this here 'cano story.

341
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,921
Let's see.
I've been to Afghanistan,
Serbia, Lebanon...

342
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,121
(LOUD ERUPTION)

343
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:49,521
Okay, okay, I lied!

344
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,080
I shoot wedding videos
in Dallas, Fort Worth...

345
00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,962
Okay, okay, just Fort Worth!

346
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:56,726
Ah!

347
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,361
Hello, UN Women's
Conference!

348
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,081
(EXCLAIMS)

349
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,611
We're trapped!

350
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,285
Lisa, we may not make it.

351
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,489
But at least we can
go out as the great
journalists we are.

352
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,085
I'm not a journalist.

353
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:20,651
You are now.

354
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,444
Remember to keep my
boobs in the shot.

355
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,086
And we're on in five,
four, three...

356
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,684
I don't see Lisa in
any of the seminars.

357
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,967
And I'm growing
ashamed of my penis.

358
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,726
(GASPS) Homer, look!

359
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,883
<i>I'm here at the long-dormant
Springfield Volcano,</i>

360
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,725
<i>which is now spewing
noxious debris into the air.</i>

361
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,564
How male.
ALL: Mmm-hmm.

362
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:49,006
<i>With me is my
8-year-old camera girl,
Lisa Simpson.</i>

363
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,602
She's taken my daughter
to an erupting volcano?

364
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,287
That's it! She is off
the Christmas card list!

365
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:58,600
Marge, that's
crazy talk!

366
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,769
Now, look, I'll save Lisa.
Your place is
here with the women.

367
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,330
WOMEN: Boo!

368
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,244
Okay, you go save Lisa.
I'll stay here with the women.

369
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:07,810
WOMEN: Boo!

370
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,883
What do women want?

371
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,684
(FRIGHTENED CRIES)

372
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,288
(GASPS)
We've gotta go now!

373
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,882
Okay. I'll run
as fast as I can,
but I'm full of potato salad.

374
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,371
(GROANS)

375
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,407
I'm sorry, folks. You're not
allowed to go up there.

376
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,409
In fact, I don't
even know why I'm here.

377
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,370
This lava is not a criminal.
It hasn't hurt anybody...

378
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,046
(SCREAMING)

379
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,120
Anybody I know.

380
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,522
Chief, my daughter's up there.
You're a father, too!

381
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:41,170
Yeah. But I'm a cop first,

382
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,205
then a boat enthusiast,
amateur historian,
yo-yo dieter,

383
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:46,725
then I'm a cop again...

384
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,840
LISA: Help!
Help! So much sulfur dioxide!

385
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,327
I'm coming, sweetheart!

386
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,561
I'll save you, Lisa!
(RUMBLING)

387
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:04,651
Oh, my God!

388
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,205
Oh!

389
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,484
Ooh.

390
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,210
Be careful, Mom!

391
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,687
There's hot lava
under the ground!

392
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:17,482
Actually,
when it's underground,
lava is called magma!

393
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,528
You're so smart, Chloe!

394
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,490
Walter Cronkite
told me the same thing!

395
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,410
Shut up!

396
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,602
Mom, that was incredible.

397
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,441
Oh, nothing's more powerful
than a mother's love.

398
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,005
Mom, your hair!

399
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,764
Don't worry.
We've got two hours

400
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:48,484
before it burns
down to my head.

401
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,125
Our top story tonight...

402
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,770
I'm about to die.

403
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,970
Oh...

404
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,281
Barney, you
saved my life.

405
00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:03,171
Chloe, when you left me,
I was devastated.

406
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,164
But I sobered up
long enough to
become a pilot.

407
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:09,961
With you beside me,
I think I could
make it work.

408
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,889
How about a half-hour
of pity sex?

409
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,769
Is there any
other kind?

410
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:15,966
(BURPS)

411
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,682
<i>In the wake of
the devastating eruption,</i>

412
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,802
<i>one Springfielder
proved herself a hero,</i>

413
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,365
<i>Marge Simpson!</i>

414
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:32,843
<i>She's won herself
a free hero sandwich
at Springfield Sub Shops.</i>

415
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,129
<i>Extra charge
for warm-ups.</i>

416
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,004
Mom, I want to be
just like you.

417
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:38,849
I mean the lava part,
not saving Lisa.

418
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,929
Pretend to care!

419
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,650
(GRUNTING)
(CHOKING)

420
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:48,000
Well, looking
at you kids, I know I made
the right choice in life.

421
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,730
I'm sure you did.

422
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,882
But still, don't you
ever wonder what
might've happened

423
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,371
if things had
gone differently?

424
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:54,721
Well...

425
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,522
<i>This is Marge Simpson
reporting from Lake Placid</i>

426
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:03,286
<i>where the "Miracle on
Ice" never happened.</i>

427
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,564
No!

428
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:14,760
(GRUNTS)

429
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,047
Lisa, what are you
doing in there?

430
00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:21,444
Praying to Buddha,
Jesus, SpongeBob.
There's no time to be picky.

431
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,360
Perhaps we should help.

432
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:24,925
Screw her!
(LAUGHS)