1
00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:06,204
<i>(SINGING) The Simpsons</i>

2
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:07,566
(TIRES SCREECHING)

3
00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:10,361
D'oh!

4
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:11,441
(SCREAMS)

5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:12,800
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

6
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:16,321
(SUCKING)

7
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,922
I used to love
Springfield Park.
But it's gotten so run-down.

8
00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,282
(MEN MOANING)
(DOG HOWLING)

9
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,490
Oh, the "prid" is gone.

10
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:43,084
(SIGHS IN DISGUST)
This whole place
is disgusting.

11
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,650
I agree.

12
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:47,724
Hey, aren't you
that Crazy Cat Lady?

13
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,883
Yes, I am.
But thanks to this
psychoactive medication,

14
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,566
I enjoy brief
moments of lucidity.

15
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,642
Those are just
Reese's Pieces.

16
00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:57,450
(CRAZED RAVING)
(CATS MEOWING)

17
00:00:57,560 --> 00:00:58,766
(ALL SCREAMING)

18
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,450
(CATS MEOWING)

19
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,809
I know how to save this park.
I'm gonna organize
a charity carnival.

20
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,731
Uh, Mom? Looks like
someone beat you to it.

21
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,561
God, that Junior League
burns me up.

22
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:17,367
Step right up and
bid on items donated
by local businesses.

23
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,841
Oh, I only got $100.
I better bid shrewdly.

24
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:23,890
First up is this video camera.

25
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,201
$100.
$100.50.

26
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:27,247
Sold.

27
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,401
Damn it!

28
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:30,451
(GRUNTING)

29
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,922
I never win anything.

30
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,843
Ooh, here's something
I'm good at.

31
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:37,920
(HUMMING)
(ALARM RINGING)

32
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,923
HOMER: Knee... Left...

33
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,490
Ding...
(BELL DINGING)

34
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:43,281
Hmm!

35
00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:46,761
Hmm.

36
00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:49,161
Yes!

37
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,204
Check it out, fat-wad.
I'm better than you,
and I'm only 10.

38
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:55,441
(ALL CHATTERING)
(LAUGHS)

39
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,045
Fat-wad, I love it.

40
00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,009
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

41
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,127
Easy... Gentle...

42
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,246
(THUDDING)
(SPLASHING)

43
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,050
<i>Ay, caramba!</i>

44
00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:11,721
Mmm-hmm.

45
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,565
I'm number one.
I beat my son.

46
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,964
Victory is mine.
So, kiss my behind.

47
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,168
(SCATTING)

48
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:21,651
In your face.

49
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:24,121
(SCATTING CONTINUES)

50
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,680
My son flips frogs
like a girl, yeah.

51
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,081
(SCATTING)

52
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:29,400
Who's your daddy?

53
00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,091
(SCATTING CONTINUES)

54
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,481
Hey, Homer.
Do fries come
with that shake?

55
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:35,800
Sure do.

56
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,001
Mmm.

57
00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,686
(CHUCKUNG)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

58
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,085
(SCATTING)

59
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,605
(YELPING)

60
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,011
I'm happy-

61
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,650
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

62
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,240
(LAUGHING CRAZILY)

63
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,847
He makes me look cool.
And cool, lam not.

64
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,968
May I upload your footage
onto my website?

65
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,008
Well, sir, I don't
believe we've ever met.

66
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:06,485
My name is Jeff Albertson.

67
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,210
But everyone calls
me Comic Book Guy.

68
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,691
Well, I'll just
call you "friend."

69
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,205
Here's your tape,
friend.

70
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,045
(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)

71
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,044
(LASER SHOTS FIRED)
(GIRLS SCREAMING)

72
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:21,560
What should we click on next?

73
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,525
JIMBO: "Boxer shot by wife"?

74
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:25,085
"Beauty pageant diarrhea"?

75
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,161
KEARNEY: Here's a new one.

76
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:27,810
"Big-ass Baryshnikov."

77
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,001
(CLICKING)

78
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:30,964
(GRUNTING)

79
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,483
(ALL LAUGHING)

80
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,447
Now to send this
spaz around the world.

81
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:39,281
(CLICKING)

82
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,801
(LAUGHING IN FRENCH ACCENT)

83
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,926
(LAUGHING IN JAPANESE ACCENT)

84
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,321
(LAUGHING IN BOTSWANAN ACCENT)

85
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,326
(MIMICKING SEAL LAUGHTER)

86
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:54,007
Stupid Internet.
Whole world laughing at me.

87
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,167
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

88
00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,926
<i>Look at the American
computer monkey.</i>

89
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,604
<i>Dance, monkey. Dance.</i>

90
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:03,966
(ROARING)

91
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,161
<i>Basta. Basta.</i>

92
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,527
Take my picture with
the Internet Mama Luke.

93
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:08,966
(ROARING)

94
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,963
(GIBBERING)
(BEEPING)

95
00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,122
The Internet wasn't
created for mockery.

96
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:25,444
It was supposed to help
researchers at different
universities share data sets.

97
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:27,727
It was.
(DOOR BELL RINGING)

98
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:30,850
Hello. I'm Deion Overstreet.

99
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,520
The running back for
the San Antonio Cow Skulls?

100
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,921
Five-time rushing leader,
two-time MVP,

101
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,525
and star of
a Disney Channel movie.

102
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:40,331
I played the gentle giant,
"Stay-off-drugs-ia."

103
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,209
I know why you're here.

104
00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:46,080
You want to see
me humiliate myself
with my stupid dance.

105
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,810
Well, fine.

106
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,484
(SCATTING)

107
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:50,601
Wrong.

108
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,650
Side step. Side step.
Shuffle.

109
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,200
I want to buy the rights
to that dance for $1,000.

110
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:57,681
Woo-hoo! But why?

111
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,650
My workmanlike touchdowns
never make the highlight reel.

112
00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,768
But if I add your
shameless shenanigans,

113
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:04,490
I'll be on ESPN every night.

114
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,688
You want to do my dance
after you score?

115
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,650
Damn straight.
And I'll buy any other
dances you got, too.

116
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,405
Woo-hoo! (SCATTING)

117
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,446
(SIGHS)

118
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,688
(SCATTING CONTINUES)

119
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,569
"L" is for loser,
which describes you, sir.

120
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:35,087
Don't try to stop me.
Just enjoy the view, sir.

121
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,926
"The view, sir.
Then show ass." Got it.

122
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,364
Honey, I bet you're wondering
why Daddy's not at work again.

123
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,090
The answer may surprise you.

124
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:46,571
I have a new job

125
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:50,964
choreographing end zone
dances for a professional
football player.

126
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,761
Looks like all you're
teaching is obnoxiousness
and poor sportsmanship.

127
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,160
Don't forget showboating.

128
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,005
That's the cornerstone
of my pyramid of success.

129
00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:03,368
Ooh!
I forgot crotch grabbing.

130
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,204
That'll be the sun.

131
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,611
Mmm-hmm.

132
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,609
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

133
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,683
<i>Grandpa, will you
take me fishing?</i>

134
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:12,727
<i>Sorry, Jimmy.</i>

135
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,929
<i>Your grandma and I
are going to have
old people sex.</i>

136
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,809
<i>Thank you, Jammitin.</i>

137
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,207
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

138
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,885
Oh! There's nothing
but filth on TV.

139
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,803
But with this
new video camera,

140
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,848
we can make our
own entertainment.

141
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,684
Now, boys, we're gonna
film the world's first,

142
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,603
and some would say,
best murder mystery.

143
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,489
The story of Cain and Abel.

144
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,730
Daddy, if Cain and Abel were
Adam and Eve's only children,

145
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,643
how did they make more babies?

146
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:43,009
Did they make babies
with their mother
or with each other?

147
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,686
Your mouth is hopin'
for a soapin', boy.

148
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,644
Now stop asking
silly questions
and go kill your brother.

149
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,281
(WHIMPERS)

150
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,408
After you prance
across the goal line,

151
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,761
you hurl the other team's
mascot to the ground

152
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,241
and drive your
cleats into his neck.

153
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,561
(CROWD CHEERING)

154
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,050
You're going down,
you potato-eating pansy.

155
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,088
Homer, are you sure we aren't
crossing a line here?

156
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,680
I happen to know
that the person inside
that leprechaun suit

157
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:13,921
is a single mother.

158
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,321
Deion, this is Timmy Thomas.

159
00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,522
(WHISPERING) He has
Timmy Thomas disease.

160
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,284
Mr. Overstreet,

161
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,206
could you do an
obnoxious end zone
dance for me today?

162
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:26,368
(COUGHING)

163
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,166
Please?

164
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,924
(CROWD CHEERING)

165
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:35,601
Yay!

166
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,808
<i>(GONNA MAKE YOU SWEAT PLAYING)</i>

167
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:06,251
(CHOMPING)

168
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,482
How do you like me now?
(BLOWS WHISTLE)

169
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,405
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

170
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:14,331
Hello.
Homer, this is LeBron James.

171
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,880
The fans love my dunks,
but they hate my dancing.

172
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,322
(CROWD BOOING)

173
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,165
I think I can fit you in.
Let's see.

174
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,811
Lenny, can I move you
from Wednesday at noon
to Sunday at 6:00?

175
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,326
Homer, you know
that's when I play
with neighborhood dogs.

176
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:29,845
All right, all right.
I'll work it out.

177
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,127
Aw, you guys are
what it's all about.

178
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:38,166
Reverend, thanks for
turning the church into
a "he-without-sineplex."

179
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,050
What the...
Oh, I get it.

180
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,369
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)

181
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,724
Boys, I just talked to God.

182
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:50,122
He's vacuuming heaven
to get it ready for when
dead people show up.

183
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:52,931
And he'd like you both
to render a sacrifice.

184
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,925
I shall sacrifice
my finest grains
and livestock.

185
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:02,281
(BUZZING)

186
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,603
Behold, I have found
favor with the Lord.

187
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,291
So shall my knife find
favor with thy belly.

188
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:09,926
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)

189
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:11,725
(LAUGHING EVILLY)

190
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:13,166
(THUNDER RUMBLING)

191
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,041
(GRUNTS)

192
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:20,321
(GROANS)

193
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:26,641
(GROANS)

194
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,688
Now, I must bury my son

195
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:33,926
while you wander the earth
forever with the mark of
evil upon your face.

196
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:35,966
(CROWD GASPS)

197
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,969
(ALL CHEERING)

198
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:44,721
(GROANS)

199
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,089
Ned, your film
was a masterpiece.

200
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,050
It turned me from an atheist
to a hooray-theist.

201
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,130
Uh, sir, you have revealed
to me a world of faith

202
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,282
beyond the world of science.

203
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,840
I would pay to see
it again, and again,

204
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:01,288
and again, and again,
but not six times.

205
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,283
I also would pay
to see it again.

206
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,442
Me, too.
Here's some guy's wallet.

207
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:06,760
I am that guy.

208
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:10,245
Smithers, we could
make a fortune with
these Bible pictures.

209
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:12,448
And I've been looking
for a way to launder
the money I made

210
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,682
selling club soda
as flu vaccine.

211
00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,687
Everyone seemed so happy.
But, I'm surprised at Ned.

212
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,127
He left out all the good times
Cain and Abel had

213
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,361
when they were growing up.

214
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,171
He's just being
true to the Bible,
which is pretty violent.

215
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,446
And sexy.

216
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,564
King David stole
someone else's wife.
Mary Magdalene was a hooker.

217
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,529
Bart, how do you
know these things?

218
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:32,761
It's all in this book.

219
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:34,690
(BART LAUGHS)

220
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:35,881
(GROANS)

221
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,964
HOMER: Welcome to
the Homer Simpson
Showboating Academy.

222
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,164
Today we're working
on poor sportsmanship.

223
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,841
First, I want you to
hurl a ball at the
nearest authority figure.

224
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,805
Nicely done.

225
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,884
Oh, my God.
It's my hero,
Michelle Kwan.

226
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,850
You remind me of
a young Dorothy Hamill.
(GASPS)

227
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,002
I didn't know you could talk.

228
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,880
Lisa, could you
pass the salad?

229
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,771
And it's James with the steal.

230
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,041
(CREAKING)

231
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,560
(G LASS S HATTE RS)

232
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:07,327
(GROANS)

233
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,084
Who wants to help
me clear the table?

234
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,886
(SPEAKING IN MANDARIN)

235
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,930
Wait a second.
I've read that you speak
excellent English.

236
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,771
Shut up, kid. I got
a good thing going here.

237
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,291
(GULPING)

238
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:25,086
Oh, my. Ned's next movie
seems even bloodier
than the last one.

239
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,683
Now there's no need
to actually whip him.

240
00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:29,205
We can put the sound in later.

241
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:32,568
No. As your financial backer,
I insist upon reality.

242
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,927
Pharaoh didn't put
the sound in later.

243
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:38,169
But who'd know
the difference?
The people being whipped.

244
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,289
(YELLING)

245
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,091
(GROANS)

246
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,247
Hey, Lovejoy.
You could take a
lesson from Flanders.

247
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,164
You know,
inject your services
with a little razzle-dazzle.

248
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:55,086
I already do,
if by "razzle"
you mean piety

249
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:58,642
and by "dazzle" you mean
scriptural accuracy.

250
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,407
What a tool.

251
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,809
<i>I am richer than you.</i>

252
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,329
(TRUMPETS PLAYING)

253
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,602
Look out, Jonah.
It's a whale.

254
00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:13,920
(ROARING)

255
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:18,721
Jonah!Jonah!Jonah!

256
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,766
Yarr!

257
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,322
The only just solution
is to cut the baby in half.

258
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:31,884
(PIERCING FLESH)

259
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,007
Wait a minute.

260
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:36,523
I've killed a baby.
I'm a monster.

261
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,526
(GROWLS)

262
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,523
I can't take anymore.

263
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,484
Ned, there's more to the Bible
than blood and gore.

264
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:47,121
Oh, I guess you'd rather
see a film about a liberal
European wizard school

265
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,682
or the latest sexcapade
of Miss Ashley Judd.

266
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,848
Well, I don't like this movie.

267
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:56,641
And I'm gonna boycott
your financier, Mr. Burns.

268
00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,401
Oh, really?
And what would you use
instead of nuclear power?

269
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,005
Solar.
Hydroelectric.

270
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:03,969
A mix of conservation
and wind.

271
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:05,881
Who told you about those?

272
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,451
A talking tree
in a commercial.

273
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,641
Ah.

274
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,404
Well, I know when
I've been licked.

275
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:14,368
Sorry, Ned.
This movie will
never be seen again.

276
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,882
Dis-embroider
the crew jackets.
We can still send them back.

277
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,041
Mmm-hmm.

278
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,606
<i>Welcome to Jock Center.</i>

279
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,489
<i>Tonight, the Clipper
and the stripper,</i>

280
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:28,324
<i>a Jones that's chipper,</i>

281
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,641
<i>and did Joe Torre
shoot Flipper?</i>

282
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,611
<i>But first, professional
sports continues its downward
march into the gutter.</i>

283
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:35,881
(LAUGHS)

284
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,367
This is either
about me or steroids.

285
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,647
<i>Thanks to professional
jerk-ass, Homer Simpson,</i>

286
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,327
<i>athletes are now taunting
and boasting just to get
on our highlight reel.</i>

287
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:47,085
<i>Disgusting. Now
here's our highlight reel.</i>

288
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,089
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

289
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,131
<i>Art comes from pain.
Your pain.</i>

290
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:05,727
<i>Beware the wrath of Kwan.</i>

291
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,090
<i>Everyone sucks but me.</i>

292
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:26,801
<i>Oh, yeah. Cheer for Tom.
Give all your love to Tom.</i>

293
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,246
(LAUGHS)

294
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,847
I'm the worst thing
to happen to sports since Fox.

295
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,810
Master,
you are truly a fool.

296
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,840
Homer Simpson, we work for
the commissioner of football.

297
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,410
And he wants to see you.

298
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:42,891
I want to see him, too.

299
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,769
Maybe he can tell me
how to get this off.

300
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,645
It soaked through
to the other side.

301
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:53,651
MAN: The commissioner's
in here with all the owners.

302
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,010
Homer,
we think you're fabulous.

303
00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,606
Since the players began
your rowdy rump-shaking,

304
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,762
our ratings are up 62%.

305
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:04,924
Plus we're making
millions in player fines,

306
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,846
which I'm gonna use
to bankroll a musical
about the J. Geils Band.

307
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,490
(ALL CHEERING)
RICH TEXAN:
That's right, J. Geils.

308
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,045
Here's why we called you in.

309
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,647
We want you
to produce this year's
Super Bowl Half-time Show.

310
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:19,810
Wow. At last,
my pathetic little
life has a meaning.

311
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:20,961
(CHUCKLES)

312
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,441
You suckers,
I would've done it for free.

313
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:24,931
Fine. Do it for free.

314
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,128
Damn it.
Well, I'll still do it.

315
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,410
(CHUCKLES) Suckers.
I would've paid you.

316
00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:31,686
Fine. Pay us.

317
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,889
Oh, damn it.
Will you take a check?

318
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,371
No.
Damn it.

319
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,125
Mmm-hmm.

320
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,561
ANNOUNCER: <i>The Super Bowl
Half-time Show.</i>

321
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,246
<i>From its humble origins
in Super Bowl</i> I...

322
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,721
(TROMBONE PLAYING)

323
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:56,886
<i>...to the marriage of
Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man
in Super Bowl XVI.</i>

324
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,522
<i>I now pronounce
you Pac-Man and wife.</i>

325
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,247
<i>(SINGING) Let's get physical,
physical</i>

326
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,211
<i>I wanna get physical</i>

327
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,648
<i>Let's get into physical</i>

328
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:14,169
(TURNS OFF TV)
Oh, every single Super Bowl
Half-time Show has been great.

329
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,890
Oh, Homie, don't worry.

330
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,088
I'm sure you'll come
up with a great idea.

331
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,847
I don't know.
It's a lot of pressure.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

332
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,163
Do many people
watch the Super Bowl?

333
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,810
Billions.
Oh.

334
00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,166
(GUITAR PLAYING)

335
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,370
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETING)

336
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:34,843
We're ready for
rehearsal, Mr. Simpson.
So what do we do?

337
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,321
(MEGAPHONE SWITCHES ON)
<i>Ah...</i>

338
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,804
<i>Uh...</i>

339
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:42,042
Oh, man, I have no
idea what I'm doing.

340
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,522
I wonder if other Super Bowl
producers waited till

341
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,241
3:00 in the morning
the night before to plan
their half-time shows.

342
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,721
(TIRES SCREECHING)

343
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:53,801
<i>A church.</i>

344
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,202
Maybe the homeless people
sleeping on the floor
will have some ideas.

345
00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,840
Flanders?

346
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,685
Well, I guess you've got
some late night problems, too.

347
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,205
Yeah. I made a great film.

348
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,123
But I'm having trouble
getting it out there.

349
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,328
I'm like Michael Moore,
except I'm skinny,

350
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,448
myjeans are washed,
and God loves me.

351
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,530
(SIGHS) I just wish
I could find some way
to spread my message.

352
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,204
Have you tried checking
the oil filter?

353
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:16,685
Are you even listening to me?

354
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:19,610
Sure. I'd be happy to
tell you my problem.

355
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,808
I've got a venue
the whole world
will be watching

356
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,370
and nothing to fill it with.

357
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,487
Wait a minute.

358
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:26,642
You've got a medium,
and I've got a message.

359
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,643
Maybe God brought us
together for a reason.

360
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:33,687
Yeah. You help me and I,
in turn, am helped by you.

361
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,047
ANNOUNCER: <i>And so,
ladies and gentlemen,</i>

362
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:40,648
<i>we have come to the start
of Super Bowl X-X-X-I-X.</i>

363
00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:44,845
<i>This brand new $300 million
stadium was completed
just one short week ago.</i>

364
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,401
And it's scheduled
for demolition
early next month.

365
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,721
America's priorities
are a joke. Now,

366
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,006
<i>Here's the kickoff.</i>

367
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,970
Wow. All these people
are gonna see Dad's show.

368
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,922
Oh, I paid $1,000
for this seat.

369
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,810
And I can't even see the game.
Just poke through.

370
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:02,207
(SLURPS)
Hmm.

371
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,001
(CROWD CHEERING)

372
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,081
(GUNSHOT)

373
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,605
ANNOUNCER: <i>And that's the gun.</i>

374
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:10,924
<i>We head into half-time
with the thrilling
score of 55 to 6.</i>

375
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,764
But don't stop watching
in the second half.

376
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:13,887
Points count double.

377
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,407
And now, the eagerly awaited
Super Bowl Half-time Show.

378
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,206
Sponsored by
the new Ford pick-ups,
Citibank, and Moe's Tavern.

379
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,486
How could you afford this?

380
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,324
I hustled a lot of pool.

381
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:25,890
Hey, you want to play?

382
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,329
I gotta warn ya.
I ain't that good. (LAUGHS)

383
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:30,526
All right.

384
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:32,441
Sucker.

385
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:33,965
(GRUNTS)

386
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,326
Who's the sucker now? Huh?

387
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,121
Time for Homer's
half-time show.
Get ready, Frank.

388
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,851
Frank went to
the men's room.
I'm Joe.

389
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:49,683
HOMER: <i>We now take you
back through the ages
to</i> a <i>time before TV,</i>

390
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:53,003
<i>before cowboys,
before dinosaurs.</i>

391
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,401
<i>The time of the Bible.</i>

392
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:01,242
<i>The children of God
once lived according to
their father's laws.</i>

393
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:04,290
<i>But then
a shadow of wickedness
fell across the land</i>

394
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,682
<i>as represented by this
cloud of white pesticide.</i>

395
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,889
(ALL COUGHING)

396
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,407
<i>But there was one
righteous man, Noah.</i>

397
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:19,848
<i>Oh, mighty God, send a flood
to destroy this wickedness.</i>

398
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:29,328
Hey, you guys think
Homer's mad at me?

399
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,926
I waved at him in
the parking lot and
he stared right through me.

400
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,242
I left the People's
Republic for this?

401
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:36,882
Yo, Michelle,
you got a boyfriend?

402
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,041
Not in here, I don't.

403
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:42,760
<i>After 40 days and 40 nights,
the rain stopped.</i>

404
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:45,684
<i>And Noah set
forth a single dove.</i>

405
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:46,841
(WHIMPERS)

406
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,841
(WHIMPERING CONTINUES)

407
00:19:57,280 --> 00:19:59,931
So God blessed
Noah and his sons.
And said to them,

408
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,721
"Never again
shall there be a flood
to destroy the earth.

409
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,041
"I set my rainbow
in the cloud.

410
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:11,331
"And it shall be a sign
of the covenant between
God and man." Thank you.

411
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,051
(SPLASHING)

412
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,810
(CROWD BOOING)

413
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,051
<i>All over America today,
viewers were outraged</i>

414
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:29,085
<i>by the Super Bowl Half-time
Show's blatant display
of religion and decency.</i>

415
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:31,641
<i>You try to raise your kids
as secular humanists</i>

416
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,849
<i>But these showbiz types
keep shoving religion
down our throats.</i>

417
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,611
<i>Mommy,
why wasn't I baptized?</i>

418
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,523
You see? You see?

419
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,126
I thought America
was hungry for meaning.

420
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,489
I should've just sent
a crocodile into space
like I originally planned.

421
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:47,921
Oh.

422
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:51,523
Homie, I think you did great.
And to celebrate,

423
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:54,524
I made omelets from the eggs
people threw at our house.

424
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,404
Dig in, everybody.

425
00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,084
Omelets for dinner?
This is the best
day of my life.

426
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,289
Really? Didn't you just sign
a $90 million contract?

427
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:04,691
That was a good day, too.

428
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,125
HOMER: Welcome to
the Homer Simpson
Showboating Academy.

429
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:16,250
Today we're working on
poor sportsmanship.

430
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,409
But I like to stand
for good sportsmanship.

431
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,124
Quiet, you.
Yes, sir.