1
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:05,083
(SINGING) The Simpsons
2
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:08,244
(TIRES SCREECHING)
3
00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:10,281
D'oh!
4
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,361
(EXCLAIMING)
5
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,010
(TIRES SCREECHING)
6
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,488
(ALL GRUNTING)
7
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:27,685
ANNOUNCER (ON TV):
And with time running out,
8
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:30,081
the Seminoles
are on the warpath!
9
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,441
Go, Seminoles!
10
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,081
Cover the point spread!
Cover the point spread!
11
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:36,570
(SNIFFS) Mmm.
12
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:38,721
(GULPS)
13
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,643
ANNOUNCER: Here's the play
that will determine the game.
14
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,121
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)
(GASPS)
15
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,722
ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned for "Sitcom Sunday."
16
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:46,521
(MUTTERING)
17
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,569
Where's the remote?
(GROANS)
(CLANKING)
18
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,210
This is not
a drill, people!
19
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,124
(WHIMPERING)
20
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:53,880
(STRAINS)
21
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:56,881
Huh?
22
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,166
Oh.
(CLANKING)
23
00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,287
(BARKS)
(FEEDBACK)
24
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:02,768
(AUDIENCE SPEAKING
SPANISH ON TV)
25
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,729
Hmm. The TV
changes channels
26
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,928
every time
the dog barks.
(BARKS)
27
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:10,244
ANNOUNCER:
We return to Mel Gibson's
"The Salad of the Christ"
28
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,448
on Christian Carrot Theater.
29
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,288
I think he swallowed
the remote.
30
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:19,011
(GRUNTS)
Bark for your master.
31
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,241
(WHIMPERING)
32
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:23,164
(ITCHY GIGGLING)
(BARKING)
33
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,044
(WHIMPERING)
34
00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:27,288
Lousy American-made dog!
(BARKING)
35
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:28,561
(GRUNTS)
36
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:30,165
(STRAINING)
37
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,762
Oh! Why must
I be so voluptuous?
38
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,686
(WHIMPERS)
39
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,081
Oh!
40
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,007
Oh. Time
to make you pretty!
41
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,443
(BOTH GRUNT)
(WHIMPERS)
42
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:44,851
PATTY: Oh, yes.
A little more color.
43
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,001
How do I look?
44
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,248
(GRUNTING)
45
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:49,641
HOMER: Ow!
46
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,451
Oh, after my makeover,
I'm gonna get you, boy!
47
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,887
Yo, yo, yo.
Here now the nizzews.
48
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,811
The top artists of hip-hop
are coming to Springfield.
49
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:01,009
This all-star concert dubbed
"Murder 4 Life" features,
50
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,129
Da Glock Pointaz, Romeo Smoov,
51
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:07,841
Queen Booty Shaykah,
MC Champagne Millionaire,
52
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:12,050
and Assault "Weapons
Magazine's" Man of the Year,
Alcatraaaz.
53
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,442
Alcatraaaz
is wide-spread!
54
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:15,760
I'm talkin' da junk!
55
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:19,322
Just what we need.
Another lame suburban
kid who loves rap.
56
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,010
So? You like the blues.
57
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,765
Yes. But the blues
are unpopular.
58
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,086
Man, are you illin'.
59
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,010
Rappers stopped
saying "illin"'
12 years ago.
60
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:29,531
I'm keepin' it real!
61
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,807
They stopped saying
"keepin' it real"
three years ago.
62
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:33,490
Mom, Lisa's dissin' me!
63
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:34,561
Dissin'?
64
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,927
Do rappers
still say that?
Oh!
65
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,480
Hmm.
66
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:41,245
Dad, can I go
to a rap concert?
Tickets are $50.
67
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,560
Go to hell.
Okay.
68
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:43,841
What if I pay
for it myself?
69
00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:44,921
Fine. Go nuts.
70
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,565
I love you, Dad.
71
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:48,130
I love you, too, Jerry.
72
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:54,603
Baggy britches?
Loose-laced gym shoes?
73
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,643
Are you going
to a rap performance?
74
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,651
Hell, yeah.
I'm representin'
at Murder 4 Life.
75
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:00,767
Know what I'm sayin'?
76
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,001
All too well.
77
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,560
Rap music belongs
in the rubbish bin.
78
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:09,202
It encourages punching,
boastfulness,
and rudeness to hos!
79
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,329
Step off, Mom.
Rap is the poetry
of the streets.
80
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:16,411
Well, you are not
going to any concert
that promulgates stink talk.
81
00:03:17,200 --> 00:03:19,646
But Dad already
said I could go.
82
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:20,761
Oh, did he?
83
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:22,808
Homer, you tell
your son
84
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,963
a rap show
is not a safe place
for a 10-year-old.
85
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,771
Son, your mother
makes a very loud point.
86
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,962
But you said I could go
if I paid for the ticket.
87
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:34,647
Boy, let me explain
the situation in terms
you'll understand.
88
00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,122
(SUCKING RHYTHMICALLY)
89
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:40,891
(RAPPING) You did it
on the straight
90
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,200
Got your dad's permission
91
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,602
But your mom dropped a bomb
So I flipped my position
92
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,286
Don't argue with Marge
I know what's best
93
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,443
The only wrap in this crib
Keeps sandwiches fresh
94
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,488
Fresh, fr-fresh
for Mommy's baby boy
95
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:57,087
Baby boy. Baby boy.
Ba-ba-ba-baby boy
96
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,486
(SCREAMS)
97
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,168
Dad, you completely
sold me out.
98
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:12,164
Well, I paid for this ticket.
That makes me an adult.
99
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:13,810
I'm going.
100
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,246
(GRUNTS)
101
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,005
I love you,
Krusty-wusty.
102
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:21,002
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
103
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,481
(RAPPING)
Every miner, forty-niner
104
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,686
And stone cold conniver
105
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,240
Stakes a claim on my tongue
To pan my saliva
106
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,210
Make the hos
drop they clothes
Like they Lady Godiva
107
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,044
(CROWD CHEERING)
108
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:43,561
Whoa.
(FEEDBACK)
109
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,770
(RAPPING) Yo, cuz!
Put down my mike
'Less you know how to use it
110
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:51,128
This is old school
not preschool
So don't Dr. Seuss it
111
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,969
(CROWD LAUGHING)
112
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:57,401
(GULPS)
113
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,122
(RAPPING) Don't critique
my technique
I'm no geek
114
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,249
I make the principal nervous
My friends can confirm this
115
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,130
I'll bust a spit wad
in your epidermis
116
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,884
Oh, no, he didn't!
117
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:10,967
(CROWD CHEERING)
118
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,050
You can trace my remorse
To its supersized source
119
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,805
A hungry, hungry hypocrite
Named Homer, of course
120
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,491
My old man's pathetic
Damn is his head thick
121
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,370
The gas from his ass
is carcinogenic
122
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,250
Every day I pray
his DNA ain't genetic
123
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,129
(ALL CHEERING)
124
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:33,286
Damn, this ride
is pimped out.
125
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:38,161
Yo, downstairs
I got a wax museum
of famous movie monsters.
126
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,925
Check it out,
if you want to get
your fright on.
127
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,490
(CAR REVVING)
128
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:46,610
Jeepers! It's 50 Cent.
129
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,371
Yo, B. I heard you
throw down on stage.
130
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:50,851
Wanna join
my world tour?
131
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,208
Sorry, Fitty.
I have school tomorrow.
132
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:56,170
You're right.
The more you know,
the further you go.
133
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:57,605
And that's one to grow on.
134
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,171
Does that count
as community service?
135
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,241
No.
136
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,004
All right.
Take me to the park.
137
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,081
We'll pick up
some dog poop.
138
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,161
Yes, sir!
139
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,406
Here you go,
you little yellow cracker.
140
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:12,450
Now let's go murder
our enemies. Peace.
141
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,284
(TIRES SQUEALING)
142
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,007
Mmm!
143
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:20,649
Bart's gone!
I checked everywhere!
144
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,723
That little sneak
disobeyed us
145
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,802
and went to that
hip-hop festival!
146
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:28,925
If that's true,
he's gonna be like NWA.
147
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,765
Not Without Ass-welts.
148
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,843
Well, time to face
my punishment like a man
149
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,969
or lie my way out
of it like a kid!
150
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,491
(GRUNTS)
151
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,240
(BOTH WHIMPER)
152
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:53,846
A flying rock!
Call a geologist!
153
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,565
Hmm.
154
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,768
"We have kidnapped your son.
155
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,605
"Follow instructions and
Bart will not be harmed."
156
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,047
Follow instructions?
He's doomed!
157
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,691
(WAILING)
158
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,648
This'll be the worst
Thanksgiving dinner ever!
159
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,563
Thanksgiving's not
for months!
160
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,371
The bad news
keeps on coming!
161
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,204
(WAILING)
162
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,121
Tragedy climbed
a ladder last night
163
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:26,409
as 10-year-old Bart Simpson
was snatched from his bed,
164
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:30,610
his chocolate
milk dreams cut short
by kidnapping fiends.
165
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,768
Mrs. Simpson,
is the pain
so unbearable
166
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,207
you wish your son
had never been born?
167
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,331
Ooh! What a horrible thing
to say to a mother. (CRYING)
168
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,201
Perhaps reading
this message aloud
will comfort you.
169
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:48,329
It's
win-a-Hawaiian-getaway-week
on Channel 6."
170
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,447
(CRYING)
171
00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,727
So, mail in those
pineapple stickers today.
172
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:54,485
Aloha means one
entry per person.
173
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:55,801
(WAILING)
174
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:59,328
I will find Bart Simpson.
Clancy Wiggum is on the case.
175
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,646
(ALL LAUGHING)
176
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,530
Chief, seriously,
shouldn't we just
plan for the funeral?
177
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:06,331
Hey, I crack
cases all the time.
178
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,084
Like the case
of the symphony conductor
179
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,605
who murdered
his star cellist.
180
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:11,444
That was an episode
of Columbo, Chief.
181
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,921
They show you
who the bad guy is
at the beginning of each one.
182
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,240
Yeah. But you have
to remember.
183
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:19,606
(GRUNTS)
184
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:20,960
(PANTING)
185
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,081
(GRUNTS)
186
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,486
(PANTING)
187
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:26,601
(GRUNTS)
188
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:27,960
(PANTING)
189
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,406
(GRUNTS)
190
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:31,766
(PANTING)
191
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:33,721
(GRUNTS)
192
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,086
(PANTING)
193
00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:37,521
(GRUNTS)
194
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:38,886
(PANTING)
195
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:42,729
This is no fun
without Bart. (SIGHS)
196
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,928
He used to watch me
while I did this.
197
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,490
BART: I still do.
198
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,850
(GASPS) Bart!
Are the kidnappers
after you?
199
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,844
Well, some kidnappers
might be after me.
It's a big world.
200
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,883
But in this case,
I faked the whole thing.
201
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,928
Why? Are you mad at me?
202
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,684
No. It's not about you.
203
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,889
Oh. It's never
about me! (GRUNTS)
204
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,883
OFFICER (ON RADIO):
10-23, you seen anything?
205
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,883
Look, I need
a place to hide out
until the heat is off.
206
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,566
In my dad's apartment,
the heat is always off.
207
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,007
He made a coat
out of all
my stuffed animals.
208
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,051
(BART SHUDDERS)
209
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:21,890
You can hide out
in my room.
210
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,644
My dad won't know
because he's at work.
211
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:26,003
Shoo! Get outta here!
(CROWS CAWING)
212
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,809
These aren't your soybeans!
213
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,163
Wow. I should've
read these headlines
a long time ago.
214
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,686
Together, they really
paint a picture
215
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,250
of failure.
216
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,529
And now my only
friend is the bottle.
217
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,807
BARNEY FIFE (ON TV):
Rise and shine, Chief Wiggum!
218
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,928
This pity party is over.
219
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,883
What...
Officer down! Huh?
220
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,001
Hmm.
221
00:10:09,080 --> 00:10:10,320
Barney Fife!
222
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,449
Y-E-S spells
"You got it, buster!"
223
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,204
And I'm here to tell you
224
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,682
the feelings you're having
are common for every (SNIFFS)
225
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:19,966
brother of the badge.
226
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,202
Well, my fat grew
over my badge.
227
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:25,971
Oh, sour mash.
228
00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,362
It's time for you
to roll up your sleeves
and get the ol' (SNIFFS)
229
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,289
crime sniffer
out on the street.
230
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,401
You're right.
231
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,721
I gotta buckle down
and do some police work.
232
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:39,363
Now that's the can-do attitude
that puts dudes in the can.
233
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,090
(LAUGHS)
234
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,124
Well, I'm wanted
back on the set.
235
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,131
Set? Are you the character
or the actor who plays him?
236
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,887
(EERILY) Now I must go.
237
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,246
Wait a minute.
Now you're a ghost?
238
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,723
(EERILY) Avenge me.
239
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:55,641
(PHONE RINGING)
240
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,241
Hello?
241
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,163
BART (IN DIFFERENT VOICE):
This is the kidnapper!
242
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,891
Do what I say and
Bart won't get hurt.
243
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,163
Oh, yeah? Send a finger
wrapped in today's paper
to prove you have him.
244
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,129
Homer!
I know what
I'm doing.
245
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,964
You can use any
section of the paper,
246
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,730
except Metro.
It's a big snooze.
(GRUNTS)
247
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,209
Please give me back my boy.
248
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:17,966
I just want to
tell him I love him
one more time.
249
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:19,320
(CRYING)
250
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,843
Mom, it's me.
Don't cry. I'm okay.
251
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:25,002
The kidnappers say
if you worry too much,
252
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,201
(IGNITES ELEMENT)
they'll kill me.
253
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,767
(WAILING)
254
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,203
Uh... No, no. I mean...
(POPCORN POPPING)
255
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,327
(DOOR OPENING)
256
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,243
Okay, you made
your point!
(CAWING)
257
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:35,401
Gotta go!
258
00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:39,361
All right, boys.
259
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:41,647
Let's get this tape
back to the lab
for analysis.
260
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:42,727
We have a lab?
261
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,087
Yeah. It's that room we keep
the Christmas decorations in.
262
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,487
BART (RECORDING):
Uh... No, no. I mean...
(POPCORN POPPING)
263
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,008
What is that noise
in the background?
264
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,320
Maybe I can isolate it.
265
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:53,931
(REWINDING)
266
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,969
(POPCORN POPPING)
267
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,367
(SIGHS) I know I've heard
that noise before.
268
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:00,885
Think, Clancy. Think.
269
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,644
Hail falling
on a tin roof?
270
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,684
No. That's it!
(SNAPS FINGERS)
271
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,524
Stovetop popcorn!
272
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,683
And it sounds like
my favorite brand!
Chintzy Pop!
273
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:13,641
Eddie, Lou!
274
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:15,524
We're going to
the Kwik-E-Mart!
275
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,449
You already sent us
there twice today.
276
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,010
No. That was for snacks.
277
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,526
This time,
it's not personal.
278
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,289
I need the name of everyone
who buys Chintzy Pop popcorn.
279
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,569
Oof. Chintzy Pop
is the worst
legal popcorn.
280
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,529
Many of the kernels
are baby teeth.
281
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,843
There are only
two idiots cheap enough
to buy this crap.
282
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,041
You and...
283
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,121
Oh, baby.
(BEEPING)
284
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:39,647
ls there anything
better than video poker
and Chintzy Pop?
285
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,647
Whoa! I'm looking at
an inside straight!
286
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,531
(BEEPING)
287
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:46,961
Oh.
288
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,486
Someday I'll hear
the winning music.
289
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,607
Someday.
290
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,046
(GUNS COCKING)
(GASPS)
291
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,088
Drop the corn,
tighty-whitey!
292
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:55,650
What? I didn't do anything!
293
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,007
We'll let a judge
be the judge of that!
294
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,771
Yo, Chief,
we found the kid!
295
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,087
Wow. For once
I did everything right.
296
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:03,241
What's going on?
297
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,448
I didn't know
he was here! I swear!
298
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,521
Uh, Chief?
299
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:10,442
Is Milhouse's dad
gonna be in trouble?
300
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:12,005
He's not really a bad guy.
301
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:13,081
Now, now.
302
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:17,404
There's no need for you
to defend your captor,
Bratty Hearst. (GRUNTS)
303
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,688
We're putting you
in a dirty little cell.
304
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,286
Not as small and dirty
as this apartment,
but you know,
305
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:23,725
it's still pretty bad.
306
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,721
(SMOOCHING)
307
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:32,646
Oh, Bart, I'm so glad
you're okay!
308
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:37,561
Oh, son!
Taking your tombstone
back to the store
309
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:40,246
will be the happiest
thing I've ever done.
310
00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,480
BART: Ay, caramba!
311
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,524
Chief, we're sorry
we didn't have
faith in you.
312
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,769
And I'm sorry I wrote
those letters to the editor
calling for your ouster.
313
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,849
You're "Worried in
West Springfield"?
314
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,566
Not anymore, Chief.
Not anymore.
315
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,802
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
316
00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,083
Keep those rose petals coming!
317
00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:03,731
I almost stepped
on regular ground
back there.
318
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,605
(CROWD CHEERING)
319
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,611
(GUNS COCKING)
320
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:12,849
Bart, two, three, four.
321
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,446
You put my dad in jail,
flip, spin, twirl.
322
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,248
Milhouse, if you tell anyone,
I'll tell the world
323
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,004
you wet your pants
watching Harry Potter.
324
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,606
I wasn't scared.
I was just peeing!
325
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,570
Look, if you tell
what I did,
I'll get in trouble.
326
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,449
You gotta do something!
327
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,284
I want my dad back!
328
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,851
(GRUNTING)
329
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,849
(CROWD CHEEERING)
330
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,040
You've got the perfect
build for a suit,
331
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,491
44 regular.
332
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,330
(WHISPERING) 56 huge.
333
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:58,166
Boys, even though
I've been made
Police Commissioner,
334
00:14:58,240 --> 00:14:59,605
Don't think
I've forgotten you.
335
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,763
Lou, you're promoted
to Chief of Police.
Sweet.
336
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,848
And Eddie,
you're promoted to Lou.
337
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:05,921
Nice.
338
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,365
And, uh,
who's gonna be Eddie?
339
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,441
We don't need an Eddie.
340
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,207
Commissioner Wiggum,
341
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:13,520
I need to confess something.
342
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:14,766
Is it that
you're proud of me?
343
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,609
I lied about
being kidnapped.
344
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,011
The whole thing
was a hoax.
345
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:22,527
A hoax? A hoax?
346
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:23,887
Oh!
347
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,567
Bart, please.
You can't take
this away from me.
348
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,210
How would I explain it
to Ralphie?
349
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,649
That kid can't understand
where the world goes
when you close the drapes.
350
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:33,882
But what about
Milhouse's dad?
351
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,731
Hey, this is
the best thing that
ever happened to that loser.
352
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,564
Women love famous felons.
353
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:40,444
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
354
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,965
Kirk, you are so dangerous
and misunderstood.
355
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,008
You've kidnapped
my heart.
356
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,208
I love the way
I've heard of you.
357
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,245
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
358
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:55,047
So Bart, as you can see,
from what I just said,
359
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,451
everyone is a winner here.
360
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:00,050
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
361
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:03,761
Huh?
362
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,201
(GASPS)
363
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,769
A shirt from
that rap concert.
364
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,769
Bart must've gone
to the show.
365
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:12,881
But that means...
366
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,724
Bart was never kidnapped?
367
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,451
Lisa, I'm very glad
you brought me this.
368
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:21,081
I'll see that it gets to
the proper authorities.
369
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,766
Dad!
370
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,161
Why did you do that?
371
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,721
Hollywood producers
have paid me a fortune,
372
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:30,088
which I've already lost,
for the rights
to Bart's story.
373
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:34,210
So I have to destroy
anything that proves
that story's not true.
374
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,122
Why did you
burn up your shirt?
375
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:41,925
What shirt?
I don't see any shirt.
376
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:43,400
(GRUNTS)
377
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,080
Burn the truth.
Burn the truth.
378
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:49,846
(SIGHS)
379
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,083
So you see,
Principal Skinner, that's
why I had to come to you.
380
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,442
Wait. Why did
your father
burn his pants?
381
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,681
It doesn't matter.
382
00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,924
The point is
only with your help
can I expose Bart's lies.
383
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,361
A chance to bring
down Bart Simpson,
384
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,363
our school's second
most wanted criminal
385
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:06,965
after the mysterious
El Barto.
386
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:09,921
Hmm.
387
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,126
Sign me up.
388
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,891
Boys, let me tell ya.
Now that I'm Commissioner,
389
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:16,770
the shaves are hotter,
the steaks are thicker,
390
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,808
and I got my own
private bathroom.
391
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:23,807
So Lou here won't be
using my sonic toothbrush
on his rotten choppers.
392
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:25,126
Yeah.
393
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,123
Uh, listen, Commissioner.
394
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,168
Lisa Simpson
came by the office today
395
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,527
asking questions about
her brother's kidnapping.
396
00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,681
Questions?
Yes.
397
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,730
As if she were trying
to unravel a tapestry
of deceit.
398
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,161
(CAMERA CLICKING)
399
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,689
All right, people.
We got a situation here.
400
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,531
Your daughter's gonna blow
our whole deal sky high.
401
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,650
You leave Maggie to me.
402
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,041
No, Lisa.
403
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:55,209
Not her. She'll hunt
us down relentlessly.
404
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,523
Like a bloodhound
mixed with a student
loan officer.
405
00:17:58,600 --> 00:17:59,886
Hey, I can't leave this place.
406
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,724
I get three square meals a day
407
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:05,168
and trailer time
with Springfield's
craziest chicks.
408
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:06,770
(ALL SCREAMING)
409
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,729
Hey, I got the most
to lose here.
410
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,041
I just printed up
10,000 business cards.
411
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,600
How am I gonna pass
all these out before
she catches me?
412
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,047
Give me a call sometime!
Give me a call some...
(GROANS)
413
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,485
Here comes the panic!
414
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,086
People, please,
the only way
Lisa can bust me
415
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:24,046
is if she finds someone
who can prove I was
at that rap show.
416
00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:26,646
(SNAPS FINGERS)
And I know just where
she can find that someone.
417
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,922
Let's go
cover our asses!
418
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,441
Wait. Before we go,
I took the liberty
of making these
419
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:34,330
embroidered conspiracy
jackets for all of us.
420
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,131
Wow. Those jackets
are beautiful!
421
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,770
We must never wear them.
422
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,410
(DOORBELL RINGS)
423
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:43,881
(ALL GROWLING)
424
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,207
Mr. Alcatraaaz,
my name is Lisa Simpson.
425
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,362
And this is Principal Skinner.
Hi.
426
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,569
Would you mind showing us
video footage of
your last concert?
427
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:52,801
No problem.
428
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:57,522
I got 200-inch plasma TV
in my shoe closet.
429
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,404
(ALL GUFFAWING)
430
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:01,485
(CHUCKLES)
431
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,722
I'm sharing a laugh
with my new friends.
432
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,885
(RAPPING) Homer is a fat load
433
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,804
AUDIENCE: (RAPPING)
Homer is a fat load
434
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,890
This proves Bart lied
about being kidnapped.
435
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:13,961
Not yet.
436
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:17,408
Can we verify
exactly what time
Bart was at the show?
437
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,170
(TAPE REWINDING)
438
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,445
If only we had
the exact date.
439
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:24,800
(TAPE REWINDING)
440
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,409
Bingo! Thank you,
Mr. Alcatraaaz.
441
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:30,761
Ain't nothin'.
442
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,843
Uh-uh-uh.
It is nothing.
443
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,763
It's idiomatic, biatch.
444
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,251
(GRUNTS) All right,
(GUN COCKING)
445
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:38,408
hand over the tape
and nobody gets hurt.
446
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,005
(GUNS COCKING)
447
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:44,163
Oh, this is hopeless.
My gun isn't even loaded.
448
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:48,401
Nuts. They're gonna release
that tape and our hoax
will be exposed.
449
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:53,288
(SIGHS) Well, I guess
I'll go back to Baltimore
and sell ribbon with my daddy.
450
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:57,524
"Ribbon, get your ribbon!
Great for presents!" (SIGHS)
451
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,128
Wait a minute. Why do
we have to come clean?
452
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,440
Nobody's been hurt.
453
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,329
Everyone's happier
with the lie.
454
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,323
The lie is love.
455
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:07,124
Wait just a minute!
456
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,565
Love the lie.
457
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,200
The way I was raised, by Mom,
458
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,682
I learned the truth
can't be swept
under the rug.
459
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,762
That's a very
noble sentiment, Lisa.
460
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,047
But for once in your life,
can't you just be cool?
461
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,849
Yeah.
Be cool like us.
462
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,729
Coolee. Coolee cool.
463
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,848
Come on, fool.
Be coolee coolee cool.
464
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:26,331
(CREAKING)
(GRUNTS)
465
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:27,801
(GLASS SHATTERING)
466
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,211
(GUNS COCKING)
(GASPS)
467
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:32,290
Yo, put away
your Glocks, man.
Yes.
468
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,682
Share with us the wisdom
of the street,
O mighty Alcatraaaz.
469
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:39,441
There are times in life,
when the truth
ain't black nor white,
470
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,522
but a subtler
shade of gray, yo.
471
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,923
And when the path
for justice is obscured
472
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:49,324
by the fog of uncertainty,
there is only one solution.
473
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,925
House party!
474
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,082
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
475
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,365
(ALL CHEERING)
476
00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:02,045
I don't understand.
477
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,930
After all the corruption
and deceit we witnessed,
478
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,764
how can everyone
just party?
479
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,923
Lisa, the world
is a very complicated place.
480
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,809
And when you get
right down to it...
481
00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,166
Cannonball!
482
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:14,480
(ALL CHEERING)
483
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,449
Do you think
there's a place
in the hip-hop world,
484
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,126
for a 40-something
elementary school
administrator?
485
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,123
Hell, yes.
Hmm.
486
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,328
But I'm already paying
a guy for that.
487
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:34,564
Skinner! I order you
to step off, dawg.
488
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,131
(ALL LAUGHING)
489
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,886
I think they're
making fun of me
but my wife is very sick.
490
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,407
Whoo!
491
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:03,481
(SHUSHING)