1 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,602 (SINGING) The Simpsons 2 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:07,806 (TIRES SCREECHING) 3 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:10,481 D'oh! 4 00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:11,527 (EXCLAIMING) 5 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:12,886 (BRAKES SCREECHING) 6 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:15,447 (ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING) 7 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,010 (LAUGHING EVILLY) 8 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,961 Some sucker will think he's getting beer, 9 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,851 but he's really gonna get a face full of melon! 10 00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:40,090 Seedless melon! 11 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,044 (LAUGHING) 12 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,129 Shh. Don't ruin the moment. 13 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:47,690 Oh, boy, free beer! 14 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,000 Oh, man. (CHUCKLES) 15 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,406 Easy, Barney. Easy. 16 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,562 Remember the 12 Steps. 17 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:58,729 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,11,12. 18 00:00:58,800 --> 00:00:59,961 (GRUNTS) 19 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:03,810 Nice try, boys. 20 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:07,487 Now, as the Road Runner said to the Coyote, "Meep meep!" 21 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:10,722 (MOANS) Everyone in town is wise to us. 22 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,569 We need someone new we can prank. 23 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,084 (TIRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTS) 24 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:18,045 (TRUCK RECEDING) 25 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,686 (CHUCKLING EVILLY) 26 00:01:19,760 --> 00:01:21,603 Sweet. Fresh meat. 27 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,810 Meat's not sweet. It's savory. 28 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:26,810 Hi, bean sprouts. 29 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,929 The name's Howell Huser. I travel the country 30 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:33,607 Gawking and talking, and I was hoping to take in your town. 31 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:38,601 We can show you around if you don't mind a heaping helping of local color. 32 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,160 Why my favorite color is local. 33 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:45,127 Ooh! Watermelon! Want to plant the seeds? 34 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:46,367 It's seedless. 35 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,441 (GROANS) 36 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:49,961 (GASPS) 37 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,690 HOWELL: Radioactivity? 38 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,447 That means it's a place where we do radio activities. 39 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,921 (LET'S TWIST AGAIN PLAYiNG) 40 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:04,681 (LAUGHING) I'm happy to be exposed to that kind of radioactivity. 41 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:06,491 (LAUGHING) 42 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,884 You know, the fish here are so friendly, you can walk right up and feed them. 43 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,043 Hmm. (CHUCKLES) 44 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,602 Well, howdy, little feller. 45 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:18,966 (GROWLS) 46 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,322 OW! Oh! OW! Oh! 47 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,244 I can't wait till this is over! Ow! 48 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,448 (BOTH LAUGHING) 49 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,645 I was thinking maybe we could visit the hospital now? 50 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,963 Perhaps a stick of gum will lighten your mood. 51 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,804 It always has in the past. 52 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:37,647 Ow! 53 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:38,841 (BOTH LAUGHING) 54 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:42,367 Finger pain? I thought I had gum coming! 55 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,647 That tears it! (GROANS) 56 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:50,090 I've been smiling for 47 years, and you two broke my streak! 57 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,130 Shame on you, and shame on you. 58 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,285 And shame on your whole ill-mannered town! 59 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,286 Hey, that guy's shaming us. 60 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,283 My self-esteem sure didn't need that! 61 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:03,129 (ALL GRUNTING) Ow! 62 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:04,761 JIMBO: Loser! 63 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,609 (BOYS GRUNTING) 64 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,003 DOLPH: Yeah, get out, shamey. 65 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:10,491 (CHUCKLES) 66 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,801 I don't think we'll be hearing from him again. 67 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:19,087 So, Kitchen Wizard, I understand you have a book coming out. 68 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:22,403 Yes, it's about Winston Churchill's life between the wars. 69 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,323 Up next on the Soft News Network, 70 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,961 let's hear from our own wide-eyed wanderer, Howell Huser. 71 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:29,841 Uh-oh. 72 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,969 I've ambled and rambled across this country 73 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:37,364 and never found a town I didn't like, till now, 74 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,401 and the name of that town is Springfield. 75 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:42,481 (GASPING) 76 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:46,804 I was attacked, humiliated, and fed misleading gum. 77 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:52,644 I give Springfield the lowest rating I've ever given a city, a six out of 10. 78 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,367 (CLATTERING) 79 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,523 I hope this bad publicity doesn't affect tourism. 80 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,726 Eh, who needs tourists? 81 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,207 They never buy my maps to stars' homes anyway. 82 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,490 HOMER: Have you read them all? Okay, good. 83 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,330 (DOG HOWLING) 84 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,931 We need to bring tourism back to Springfield. 85 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:25,160 As usual, I will open the floor to all crazy ideas that jump to people's minds. 86 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:26,730 Stronger beer! Gladiator fights! 87 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,406 Poetry slam! Giant rats! 88 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,848 H... I have a real suggestion. 89 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,366 Yarr. 90 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,891 Why don't we legalize same-sex marriage? 91 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,480 We can attract a growing segment of the marriage market 92 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,086 And strike a blow for civil rights. 93 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,601 Yeah, them gay guys got lots of disposable income. 94 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:49,043 I can serve fancy drinks and charge 10 bucks a pop. 95 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,566 What's in a martini? 96 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,245 Gin and vermouth. 97 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:53,651 And that makes a what? 98 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,051 A martini. 99 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:58,363 Never heard of it, but I'm still in favor of that same-sex marriage deal. 100 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,484 Then it's settled. We'll legalize gay money... 101 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,050 I mean, gay marriage. 102 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,122 (ALL CHEERING) 103 00:05:05,240 --> 00:05:09,723 I propose we also legalize gay funerals, starting with this guy. 104 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,928 I'm not gay. I'm nothing yet! 105 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:16,850 Okay, now let's say I put a Lean Cuisine in a blender and I pour some beer on it. 106 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,007 What do you call that? 107 00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:20,686 A lean cuisini? Wrong. 108 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,969 (SINGING) When my man and I shop for wedding gowns 109 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,362 We were mocked and shunned and pushed around 110 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,523 But yesterday, we found a place to be gay 111 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,127 I'm going to marry my Harry in Springfield town 112 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:40,410 Gay-o, it's okay-o 113 00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,810 Tie the knot and spend all your dough 114 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,929 Gay-o, come stay-o 115 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,603 Visit our web site for further info 116 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,884 Springfield, a place where everyone can marry. 117 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,246 Even dudes. 118 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,163 We're just off Route 202. 119 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,208 Do not take the Jefferson Avenue exit. 120 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:01,487 For God's sake, do not take that exit. 121 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,685 (ALL CHATTERING) 122 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:14,808 While I have no opinion for or against your sinful lifestyles, 123 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,043 I cannot marry two people of the same sex 124 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:21,489 any more than I can put a hamburger on a hot dog bun. 125 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,408 Now, go back to working behind the scenes in every facet of entertainment. 126 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,529 Excuse me, Reverend. Yes? 127 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,722 As long as two people love each other, 128 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,723 I don't think God cares 129 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:35,246 whether they both have the same hoo-hoo or ha-ha. 130 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,401 Ha-ha! 131 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,451 The Bible forbids same-sex relations. 132 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:41,806 Which book? 133 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,724 Which book? The Bible! 134 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,330 But, Reverend, (CHURCH BELL TOLLING) 135 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,643 scriptural scholars disagree on the significance 136 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:52,322 of depictions of marriage in Old Testament's descriptions. 137 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:58,044 Jesus' teachings stress inclusiveness and compassion. 138 00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,326 (BELL CONTINUES TOLLING) 139 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,681 Lovejoy's an idiot. 140 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,923 His church is giving up hot gobs of gay green. 141 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,367 He could get 200 bucks a couple. 142 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,527 200 bucks a couple, eh? 143 00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,090 Hey, I got to get in on this! These people have rights! 144 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,726 The right to buy me a 62-inch TV! 145 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,080 (GRUNTS) 146 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:24,361 (CHUCKLES) 147 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:32,326 HOMER: Now begins the long and spiritual journey to becoming an ordained minister. 148 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,007 "Name? 149 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,560 Homer Simpson. 150 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,281 MALE VOICE: You are now an ordained minister. 151 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,567 (CHURCH MUSIC PLAYING ON COMPUTER) 152 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:45,960 Now to answer all the pop-ups. 153 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,566 Ooh! A talking moose wants my credit card number. 154 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:49,721 That's only fair. 155 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,242 (STRAINING) 156 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,403 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 157 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,802 And do you, Julio, take Thad to be your lawful wedded life partner 158 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,964 in Massachusetts and Vermont, maybe Canada, 159 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,449 stay out of Texas, as long as you both are gay? 160 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:19,641 I do. 161 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:23,720 It brings me greatjoy to unite two such loving people. 162 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,769 Photo mouse pads for sale out back. 163 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:28,650 (SHUTTER CLICKING) 164 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,090 Okay, what's next, Adam and Steve or Madam and Eve? 165 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,521 Homie, you married every gay couple in town. 166 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,568 Eh, what can I say? I love love. 167 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,450 Well, all you can do now is wait for some other guys to turn. 168 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,841 Hmm, where's Lenny and Carl? 169 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:44,445 Don't you push them! 170 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:46,523 They've got to work that out for themselves. 171 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:51,162 Oh. But I'm only $200 short of $14,800! 172 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,449 Well, what about people of the opposite sex who want to get married? 173 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:56,284 Opposite? Yuck. 174 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,522 I mean a man and a woman. 175 00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:02,002 Hmm. Well, maybe marriage isn't just for gays. 176 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,487 What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl? 177 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:05,766 Straight. 178 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:10,004 (CHUCKLES) Look at me! I'm as straight as a $1 bill. 179 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,327 La-dee-da! Ooh! 180 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,161 (PIG OINKING) 181 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,886 Do you, Cletus, take Brandine to be... 182 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,646 Wait a minute. Are you two brother and sister? 183 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,644 We's all kind of things! 184 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,401 Hmm. 185 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,280 A new epidemic is raging through Springfield, 186 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:37,401 and this one didn't start 187 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,767 with Krustyburgefls Whatchamacarcass Sandwich. 188 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,491 I'm talking about an outbreak of marriage fever. 189 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:45,570 Reverend Simpson... Please, Kent, call me Your Holiness. 190 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,086 (CHUCKLES) I can't. I just can't. 191 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,288 Homer, have we started down a slippery slope, 192 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,450 where marriage becomes so meaningless that anyone could marry anything? 193 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:57,808 Oh, Kent, not anything. It has to exist. 194 00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,725 Or does it? 195 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:04,131 Well, call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage described in the Bible... 196 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,771 If you love the Bible so much, why don't you marry it? 197 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,525 In fact, I now pronounce you and the Bible man and wife. 198 00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,524 And you're the wife! (CHUCKLING) 199 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,525 Hey, you owe me 200 bucks. 200 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,207 Homer, your impulsive marriages are gonna lead to a lot of divorces. 201 00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,090 Which will lead to a lot more impulsive marriages, 202 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,447 which will put more green in the blue. 203 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,528 The blue being my pants. 204 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,886 I'm sorry, Homer, but I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there. 205 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,331 KRUSTY: If I may say a word? 206 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:35,001 Why, we're joined live now by Krusty the Clown. Krusty? 207 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:38,641 I want to clear up a misconception about the Whatchamacarcass Sandwich. 208 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:43,244 I used non-diseased meat from diseased animals. 209 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,924 Everyone does it. 210 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,008 (CHUCKLES) 211 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,081 (GROANS) 212 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,362 Oh, Homie, I'm so proud of you. 213 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,968 You stood up for people's right to express love in its most perfect form, 214 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,520 a binding legal contract. 215 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:58,931 (DOORBELL RINGING) 216 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:03,611 Hey, saturated fats, I came to ask you a favor. 217 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,650 Let me get my belt sander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face. 218 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,882 Very funny. I wasn't joking. 219 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,600 (WHIRRING) 220 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:13,286 I'm getting married, and I need you to perform the ceremony. 221 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:17,161 (GASPS) You're getting married? Patty, that's wonderful! 222 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,806 So, tell, tell, who's the lucky man? 223 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:24,250 What does he do? (GASPS) Let me guess. Mmm. Does he work in customer support? 224 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,448 You can guess all night and never get it. 225 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:28,165 (INHALING DEEPLY) 226 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,685 Her name's Veronica. 227 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,488 But Veronica's a girl's name. Did you know that? 228 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,769 I'm marrying a woman. 229 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,328 I'm... I'm gay. 230 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,086 (GASPS SOFTLY) 231 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:41,925 You're not disappointed, are you? 232 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:46,968 Oh, no. No, no. No, I'm just surprised. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 233 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,123 Yeah, big surprise. 234 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,001 Hey, Marge, here's another bomb. I like beer. 235 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,124 (LAUGHING) 236 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,805 So, Patty, you're a woman who likes women. 237 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:06,124 I guess that fear I always had of you stealing Homer away is unfounded. 238 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,281 (BOTH SPITTING) 239 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,408 Marge, I'd be a lot more worried about me leaving you 240 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:13,451 for a sausage patty than your sister, Patty. (LAUGHS) 241 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,602 (SCREAMS) Next time it'll be your eye. 242 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,451 Marge, did you really think I was straight? 243 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:21,171 Well, I guess I should have seen the signs. 244 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:22,646 (QUE SERA SERA PLAYING) 245 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,888 Que Sera, Sera 246 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:28,760 Whatever will be, will be 247 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:32,726 The future's not ours to see 248 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:35,087 Que Sera, Sera 249 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,962 What Will be, Will be 250 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:43,887 You could see it from space, Marge. This isn't a problem for you, is it? 251 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:46,725 Oh, no. No, no. Why would it be? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 252 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,201 I love you, I love gay marriage, 253 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:53,365 so I'd be a super-hypocrite if I didn't love your gay marriage, right? 254 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:56,684 Now, Patty, here's a veil I picked out just for you. 255 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,046 Mmm. 256 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:01,122 (SNIFFS) Smells like cheeseburgers. 257 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,565 Give it back! (SNIFFS) 258 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:03,607 (SIGHS) 259 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:07,247 Why are we dressed as "Sunday Best Simpsons" for dinner with Aunt Patty? 260 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:11,206 Because she's bringing over someone very special. 261 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,601 (SIGHS) Her fiancée. 262 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,643 Is this one of those reality deals 263 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,087 where a guy gets a million bucks for marrying Aunt Patty, 264 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,049 but they have to honeymoon in a box full of snakes? 265 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:23,130 Son, that's the stupidest idea I ever heard. 266 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,044 And I know exactly who would pay top dollar for it. 267 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:27,726 (DIALING) 268 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,486 FEMALE VOICE: You've reached Fox. 269 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,086 If you're pitching a show where gold-digging skanks 270 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,402 get what's coming to them, press one. 271 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:38,650 If you're pitching a rip-off of another network's reality show, press two. 272 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:42,281 Please stay on the line. Your half-baked ideas are all we've got. 273 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:48,721 Actually, your aunt is marrying a very lucky woman. 274 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,765 I thought you said Aunt Patty was just waiting for the right man. 275 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:55,527 As opposed to you, who grabbed the first blimp that floated by. 276 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,923 Correction. The first blimp who got her pregnant. 277 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,650 Seriously, Dad, I'm worried. 278 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,251 You should go on a diet. 279 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:03,686 Why, you little... 280 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,888 (CHOKING) (DOORBELL RINGING) 281 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,485 Save my place. 282 00:14:09,520 --> 00:14:11,204 LISA: Why you little... (BART CHOKING) 283 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,204 This is my fiancée, Veronica. 284 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:17,691 It's a pleasure to meet you all. 285 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,240 So, Veronica, what do you do? 286 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,886 I'm a pro golfer. No surprises there. 287 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,328 Aunt Patty, where did you two meet? 288 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,801 Alternative book store? Ethiopian restaurant? 289 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:33,044 It was so romantic, like a scene from a Hollywood movie. 290 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:34,770 Yeah, Bride of the Monster. 291 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,287 (PATTY GRUNTS) (SCREAMING) 292 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,049 I was at the LPGA Ritz Bits celebrity Pro-Am. 293 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:42,890 Lady golfers? 294 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:46,010 I thought we played this stupid game to get away from the women. 295 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:49,528 With the yack-yack-yack and the spend-spend-spend, am I right? 296 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:50,921 ALL: Boo! 297 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,163 Hey, clown. Watch out for this lady driver. 298 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,485 Huh? (GRUNTS) 299 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:57,561 (THUDDING) 300 00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:58,881 Are you all right? 301 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:01,805 Never better. 302 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,480 (COUGHING) 303 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,241 I'll bet that's how angels cough. 304 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,284 I've been wearing that 3-wood ever since. 305 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,290 Whoa, save something for your wedding night. 306 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,761 Oh, we're saving everything for our wedding night. 307 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,008 Mmm-hmm. That's what Mom would want. 308 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,931 I don't think it's exactly what Mom would want. 309 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,731 Marge, are you sure you're okay with this? 310 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,451 Of course. Everyone should do whatever they want. 311 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,444 Take a bear to church. Read a book with your feet. 312 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,170 Change your name to Gooble-Glop! 313 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,369 Oh, I get it. 314 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,124 You act all liberal, 315 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,921 but you can't handle it when your sister finds love in her own locker room. 316 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:50,888 Marge, if you can find it in your heart to accept me for who I am, 317 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,201 I would love to see you at the ceremony. 318 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,041 If not, I'll see you at Homer's funeral. 319 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,765 (BUZZING) (GRUNTS) 320 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,126 (GIGGLES) 321 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,361 Which should be pretty soon. 322 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,323 HOMER: (GRUNTS) Got him! Uh-oh. 323 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,888 What am I not invited to this time? 324 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,122 Gay wedding, but I can get you in. 325 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:14,289 You can? ls there an open bar? No, cash. 326 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,330 Well, I say this whole thing is against nature. 327 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,811 So, want to do a jigsaw puzzle tonight? 328 00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:24,122 Selma, I'm getting married in an hour. 329 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,401 I know, I know. 330 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:29,406 I'm just having trouble getting used to the idea of being alone. 331 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:30,965 Don't lay that on me. 332 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,042 You got married three times. 333 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,690 Actually, four. 334 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,410 You see, last week... 335 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:40,161 Disco Stu just got an annulment from John Paul ll. 336 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:41,651 Boogie down! 337 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,684 Selma, we'll always be there for each other. 338 00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,049 I don't know about Marge, though. 339 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,844 If she doesn't show up today, 340 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:53,925 I have no non-identical sister. 341 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,851 Mmm-hmm. 342 00:16:56,720 --> 00:17:00,122 Oh, Lord, please help me say the right words this afternoon, 343 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,722 as I consecrate another gay union that angers you so. 344 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,601 And please let thy holy spirit open the heart of my wife. Amen. 345 00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:12,408 I just can't believe my sister would keep me in the dark all these years, 346 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:16,087 then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married. 347 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,726 (WOLF WHISTLE) 348 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,564 You handsome devil. 349 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:23,802 Someday they'll let you and me get married. 350 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,849 Can you imagine the children? 351 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:27,970 (CHILDREN CHATTERING) 352 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,608 (MOANING) I love you, Homer. 353 00:17:31,320 --> 00:17:32,685 I love you, too, Homer. 354 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:33,801 (BOTH MOANING) 355 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:34,881 Oh, Homer. 356 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,128 (GASPS) (TOILET FLUSHES) 357 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,245 The toilet seat's up. But that wouldn't happen unless... 358 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,120 (SINGING) Yeah, dude looks like a lady 359 00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,127 Dude looks like a lady 360 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,811 (GASPS) She's a man. 361 00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:02,851 (CHUCKLES) Looks like Patty's gonna get something she didn't register for. 362 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,004 (HUMMING WEDDING MARCH) 363 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,403 (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) 364 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:20,082 Queerly beloved, we're here to join Veronica and Patty in matrimony. 365 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,328 But the news isn't all good. 366 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,971 They've written their own vows. Patty? 367 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,448 Veronica, in you I have found a soul mate. 368 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:30,768 You are the perfect woman for me, 369 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,970 Truthful, honest, hiding nothing. 370 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:37,488 At last I have found the yin to my yin. 371 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,445 (GROANS) 372 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,364 If anyone knows a reason why these two should not be joined, 373 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:45,563 let them speak now or forever hold their peace. 374 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,608 No! I can't let this happen! 375 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:48,647 I knew it! 376 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:52,805 You think everyone in the world should have a big dumb man like you! 377 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,962 People, please, can we wrap this up? 378 00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:56,883 It's gonna rain and I got to get the bikes in here. 379 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,088 Patty, it's not what you think. 380 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,411 Veronica is a man! 381 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:04,241 (GULPS) 382 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,651 (ALL GASPING) 383 00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:08,610 Look at the size of that Adam's apple! 384 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,491 Veronica, how could you? 385 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:16,288 Patty, I love you, but long before we met, I disguised myself as a woman 386 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,001 and lied my way onto the LPGA tour. 387 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,641 I can see why you lied to other golfers, caddies, fans and officials, 388 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:27,165 but how could you lie to me and the sponsors? 389 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,208 Because you fell in love with me as a woman, 390 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,850 and I didn't want to lose you. 391 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,970 But now I'm asking you, not as Veronica, but as the man I am, 392 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,764 Leslie Robin Swisher. 393 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,605 Patty, will you marry the real me? 394 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:44,207 (GROANS) 395 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,601 Hell, no, I like girls! 396 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,201 (GASPS) 397 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:50,322 (ALL APPLAUDING) 398 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:56,202 Marge, thank you for accepting me for who I am. 399 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,805 Well, I learned a lesson. 400 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,289 Just because you're a lesbian, it doesn't make you less of a being. 401 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,488 Patty, I admire your decision. 402 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,204 It takes courage to follow your heart 403 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,851 and walk out on a non-refundable wedding ceremony. 404 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:12,691 So, I'm gonna waive the rose petal removal fee 405 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,650 and prorate the cake-handling surcharge. 406 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,730 (SCOFFS) Thanks. Yeah. 407 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,565 Well, that's the end of Dad's wedding business. 408 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:21,721 Why? 409 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,802 Hey, twisted sister, you still have that jigsaw puzzle? 410 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,883 Oh, there never was a jigsaw puzzle. 411 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,564 I was trying to make you jealous. 412 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,247 Hey, want to go to the airport and leave a bag unattended? 413 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,800 It is a good way to meet security personnel. 414 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,331 Let's go! 415 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,608 (BOTH GRUNTING INDISTINCTLY) 416 00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:51,720 (TIGER GROWLING) (SPRAYING) 417 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:56,207 Next. Hurry, before she changes her mind.