1
00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:05,920
<i>(SINGING) The Simpsons</i>

2
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:10,566
D'oh!

3
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:11,761
(SCREAMS)

4
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:12,841
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

5
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:15,600
ALL: Surprise!
(SHOCKED GASPS)

6
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:30,411
I don't see
why I need a new
driving license.

7
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:31,686
My old one's
just fine.

8
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:36,087
Hmm, I have serious
doubts about your
skill behind the wheel.

9
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,128
You drove in
with three people
on your grill.

10
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:39,691
(GROANING)

11
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,845
At least
I'm out doing things.

12
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,570
Do you know this baby
once outraced

13
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:49,086
the Flying Finn,
Paavo Nurmi?

14
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,806
(GRUNTS)

15
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,048
Turn the heater off.
It's boiling in here.

16
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,406
What are you
talking about?

17
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,881
This car is cooler
than Guy Lombardo.

18
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,531
(GASPS)
What's wrong with me?

19
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,131
(SOBBING)

20
00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,091
(LAUGHING)

21
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:04,971
(SOBBING)

22
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,680
(LAUGHING)

23
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:10,440
Good heavens.
She's some sort
of female madman.

24
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:13,291
(GASPING) Hot. So hot.

25
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,486
(MECHANICAL HUMMING)

26
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,405
Stop that,
you want-wit!

27
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:19,482
I might get stung
by a bumbled bee!

28
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(SCREAMING)

29
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,284
Van Houten blows
past Simpson!

30
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,249
He's got all
the right moves!
(GRUNTS)

31
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,924
And a fight
breaks out!

32
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:32,691
(GRUNTING)

33
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:34,361
(SOBS)

34
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:35,841
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(SCREAMING)

35
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:38,288
Car!
Car what?

36
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,522
Car is the subject,
but I don't know
the verb.

37
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<i>SELMA: Wha...</i>

38
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(SIZZLING)

39
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(PANTING)

40
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I still feel hot!

41
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(PANTING)

42
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,130
Sir, thank God
the airbags activated!

43
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,929
Those are my lungs.

44
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(SLURPING)
Ugh!

45
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,045
Selma, what you
experienced was
a hot flash.

46
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,088
An early symptom
of menopause.

47
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,571
What the hell's
menopause?

48
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:07,406
Son, menopause is
when the stork
that brings babies

49
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,205
gets shot by
drunken hunters.

50
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,129
It's a natural process

51
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,487
that women of
a certain age
go through.

52
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,450
And it's something
to be feared.
Right, Doctor?

53
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:18,681
(CHUCKLES)

54
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:19,881
Far from it.

55
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:21,769
Maybe we
should all take
a look at this.

56
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:23,561
(CLUCKING)

57
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<i>What do you know?
She's out of eggs.</i>

58
00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,088
<i>And if you're
watching this,
so are you.</i>

59
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,169
<i>Hello, I'm Robert Wagner,</i>

60
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,288
<i>actor,
smooth customer,</i>

61
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:34,850
<i>and women's
health advocate.</i>

62
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<i>Just as the end
of the day can
bring great beauty,</i>

63
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<i>So too can the
end of menstruation</i>

64
00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,802
<i>be a time of radiance
and celebration.</i>

65
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<i>Sure, you may
experience
mood swings,</i>

66
00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,126
<i>loss of desire,
and private dryness.</i>

67
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,804
<i>But don't worry.
You can still do</i>

68
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,325
<i>everything that
you did before.</i>

69
00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,807
<i>Everything?
Including
having children?</i>

70
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,087
<i>Ma'am, we're
trying to make
a video here.</i>

71
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:59,164
<i>Menopause means
you can't have
any more children,</i>

72
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,762
<i>but it also marks
a wonderful new plateau
in a woman's life.</i>

73
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:07,410
<i>So let's all give
menopause a round
of "mena-plause."</i>

74
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,649
<i>"Mena-plause"?
I'm not saying that.</i>

75
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,249
So that's it.
The end of the line.

76
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,448
I'm never gonna
have children.

77
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:18,521
(SIGHS)

78
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,486
Selma, I never
realized you wanted
a child so badly.

79
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,722
I didn't want
to get pregnant
and lose my looks.

80
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(SNORTING)

81
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:30,849
But now I'm afraid
I'll grow old alone.

82
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,810
What about your
pet iguana, Jub-Jub?

83
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Jub-Jub can't take
care of me when
I'm old and sick.

84
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All he can do
is eat me when
I'm dead.

85
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,125
Don't cry,
sweetie.

86
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,402
Everything's
gonna be all right.

87
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,563
Come on, kids.
We should go.
Goodbye, Selma.

88
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,244
I'm not dead,
idiot.

89
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,687
I know.
That was for the
other patients.

90
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,570
Ow! Ow!

91
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:54,687
MY thingies!

92
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,371
(ORGAN MUSIC ON TV)

93
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:02,242
<i>We now return to
Son of Satan!</i>

94
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,406
Everyone has
a child but me.

95
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:08,481
Cheer up, sis.

96
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,967
There's a dented
can sale down
at Tregman's.

97
00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:15,284
(GROANS) This is one
problem damaged
food can't solve.

98
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,402
Wow. You really
are down.

99
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,801
Hey, you ever
think of adoption?

100
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:23,327
The adoption process!
That'll end the heartbreak!

101
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,401
Hey, hey, hey!

102
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,289
That foot's not dead,
it's just asleep.

103
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,809
Ooh! He's perfect.

104
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,291
For this
little guy,

105
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,328
I'm gonna
give up smoking.

106
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:39,880
From now on,
we're a Skoal family.

107
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,041
(CHOMPING)

108
00:04:43,640 --> 00:04:47,042
Um. Is this the
baby pound, where
I gived up my kid?

109
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,009
Because I needs
to get him back.

110
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,844
Oh, no!
The birth father!

111
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,684
I shouldn't have
given him away.

112
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,808
Seems I misheard my wife.

113
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,211
What she said was,

114
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,851
she's tired
of having rabies.

115
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,567
Give me back
my belly fruit!

116
00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,647
If you want,
I'll call you after
Brandine's next litter.

117
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,205
Yeah, pass.

118
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,166
(SIGHS)

119
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:10,890
Don't give up,
Aunt Selma.

120
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,487
China has
thousands of baby girls
who need adoption.

121
00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,564
Great. Another job
lost to a foreigner.

122
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,650
Madam,
your adoption application
is in perfect order,

123
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,808
except for one thing.

124
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:26,881
(GULPS)

125
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,167
You forgot to fill out
the name of your husband.

126
00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,924
Husband.
Of course.

127
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,402
The Chinese government
only allows wholesome,
married couples to adopt.

128
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,443
No "hen without cock."

129
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:39,330
I apologize if that
is a double entendre
in your language.

130
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,487
It is not in ours.

131
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:41,527
Don't worry.

132
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:45,525
I'll just write
my husband's name
on this form.

133
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:47,846
Have you ever
heard of MacGyver?

134
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:51,925
Yes. Big star. Big star.
We know he's not
married to you.

135
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,604
Right, right, right.

136
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,409
And don't forget,
your husband must go

137
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,209
with you to China
to pick up the baby.

138
00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:01,444
All right.
Here I go.
Writing the name.

139
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,011
(GRUNTING)

140
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,808
Excellent.
You are
Mrs. Homer Simpson.

141
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,882
He is your soul
mate and lover.

142
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,487
Yes. Homer Simpson
is my whole world.

143
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,405
I love him.

144
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,884
(SHUDDERS) Oh!

145
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,722
I just felt
a chill go through
my very soul.

146
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,928
Yeah.
Those Sloppy
Joes'll do that.

147
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,086
How about that Selma,
flying all of us

148
00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:32,641
to China for no
apparent reason?

149
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,085
And how about me
getting off work

150
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,607
by saying I'm
teaching math skills
to inner-city youths?

151
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,643
Yes, there are
many kinds of heroes.

152
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,369
Marge, when are
we gonna tell Homer

153
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,283
he has to pretend
to be my husband?

154
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,170
Wait till the
Drambuie and sleeping
pills kick in.

155
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,241
(GULPING)

156
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:52,651
Hey, look. A dragon.

157
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:56,247
Hello, Homer.
Give me your peanuts,
and you can fly on my back.

158
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:59,608
I'll give you... One!

159
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,001
Oh, you are
a very greedy man.

160
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,162
The other dragons
shall hear of this.

161
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,009
HOMER: Hey, dragon,
you fly like a girl!

162
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:09,525
Go, go, go!

163
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,601
(SIGHS)

164
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:12,925
(NERVOUS MURMUR)

165
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,889
Homer, I'm gonna
need you to do

166
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,849
something for me
when we get to China.

167
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:21,527
You name it,
O wise mountain ape.

168
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:25,246
You have to pretend
to be my husband.

169
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:29,530
HOMER: No!

170
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,524
That's him.
The man who broke
a dragon's heart.

171
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:38,289
<i>(CHINESE-STYLE SINGING)
The man who broke
a dragon's heart</i>

172
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,521
Homer, if you do
this one small favor,

173
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,967
it could transform
Selma's life.

174
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,520
(WHINY) But, Marge,
I don't want her
to be happy.

175
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,887
Okay. Don't do
it for her.

176
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,281
Deal!
Do it for me.

177
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:55,601
(MOANS)

178
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,722
Okay, I'll do it

179
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,088
because your sweet
love is the one thing
that saved my life

180
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,731
from being an
unmitigated disaster.

181
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,685
Ha-ha!
Now we're even!

182
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,241
<i>This is your captain.</i>

183
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:11,166
<i>We have started our descent
and will soon be
landing in Beijing.</i>

184
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,208
CO-PILOT: <i>If you look out
the left side of the aircraft,</i>

185
00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:15,089
<i>you will see our
monument to warrior</i>

186
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,925
<i>and spicy chicken pioneer,
General Gao.</i>

187
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:22,481
HOMER: Wow. It makes
the Lincoln Memorial
look like crap.

188
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:39,166
<i>Very good. You have
passport, husband...</i>

189
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,801
All we need now
is the sack of
10,000 happinesses.

190
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,170
When do I get my baby?

191
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:52,480
In a few days.

192
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,601
(GROANS)

193
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:57,486
This will give you
a chance to explore our
nation's ancient culture.

194
00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:58,607
(GROANS)

195
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:00,205
And it will
give me a chance

196
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,365
to closely observe
the intimate details
of your married life.

197
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,125
(BOTH GROANING)

198
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:12,001
Madam Wu, these are
(CHUCKLES) our children,
Bart and Lisa.

199
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,081
Yes.

200
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:17,848
And this is Marge,
our surprisingly
hot nanny.

201
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:21,282
Hmm. Thank you,
Mr. Simpson.

202
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:25,331
Don't mention it,
Miss... October.

203
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,801
Butdon%look
at her passport!
It's different!

204
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,891
MADAM WU:
These are the famous
Shaolin Temple monks.

205
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:34,885
They pursue spiritual
peace through mastery
of bare-fisted murder.

206
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,769
I've heard
of these guys.

207
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,922
You can wave your
arms at 'em and
make funny faces,

208
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,923
and they just
have to stand
there and take it.

209
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,331
(JIBBERING)

210
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,244
Homer, no! Stop!
You're thinking of
Buckingham Palace!

211
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:47,526
What?

212
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,850
(GRUNTING)

213
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,131
(GROANING)

214
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,530
(HEART BEATING)

215
00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:08,643
I hope you washed
your hands first.

216
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,124
Oh, look at
him sleeping.

217
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,046
He's like a little
angel that killed
50 million people.

218
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,646
Yes, you are!
Yes, you are!

219
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,169
The Great Wall
of China was begun
nearly 2,000 years ago

220
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:29,130
in order to repel
barbarian invaders.

221
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,804
With these
pogo sticks,

222
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,564
we'll finally
make it over.

223
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:34,920
(GRUNTING)

224
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,721
(GROANS)

225
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,486
All right,
everyone
take a break

226
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:42,961
and come back
Monday with five
fresh ideas.

227
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:45,042
Can't make it Monday.
My kid has a thing.

228
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:49,291
When I was 17,
I walked into
the jungle.

229
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,931
And by 21,
I walked out.

230
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,082
And by God,
I was rich.

231
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,401
(WOMEN SINGING IN CHINESE)

232
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,642
Boys, you see
what I was
talking about?

233
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,007
The greatest
things can happen!

234
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,331
(WOMEN CONTINUES SINGING)

235
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,329
I finally
get this play.

236
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,169
MADAM WU:
So, Mr. Simpson,
what do you do for a living?

237
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,163
I'm a nuclear...

238
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,931
HOMER'S BRAIN: <i>Wait a minute.
These guys don't know me.</i>

239
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:22,445
<i>I can be
whatever I want.</i>

240
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:24,761
(GRUNTS)

241
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:27,203
I'm a Chinese acrobat.

242
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,406
(ALL GASPING)

243
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,127
You shall be
back in the land
you love soon.

244
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,646
Tomorrow we
will give you
your baby.

245
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,007
Oh, my God, really?

246
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,481
My life
begins at last.

247
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,404
That is quite
an insult to your
other children.

248
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:44,641
We understand,
ma'am.

249
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,524
We're pretty
lousy kids.

250
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,041
Lisa, soon you
will have a Chinese
baby sister

251
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,202
who will surpass
you academically.

252
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,009
I don't know
about that.

253
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,731
I'm considered
pretty smart.

254
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:58,485
Well, Tibet was
considered pretty
independent

255
00:11:58,560 --> 00:11:59,766
How'd that
work out?
(GASPS)

256
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,889
How dare you make
light of that brutal...

257
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,441
Mind your
manners, Lisa.

258
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,682
Such loving
discipline.

259
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,651
Maybe someday
someone will love you,
too, childless servant.

260
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:13,366
(ANNOYED MURMUR)

261
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:29,083
I regret to inform you
that our final stunt
will not be performed.

262
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:33,006
Our star acrobat
had an onset of
outspokenness

263
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,447
and suffered
a bullet-related death.

264
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,882
This is most
disillusioning.

265
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,201
It seems our leaders
are not all-knowing.

266
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:41,845
Now I will
question everything!

267
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:43,968
Why doesn't Pearl
Jam ever come here?

268
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,690
(ALL PROTESTING)

269
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,443
Homer, we need
your acrobatic skills.

270
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,045
Only you can
prevent this riot

271
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,691
and save our beloved
communist dictatorship.

272
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:56,291
You guys are commies?

273
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,488
Then why am I seeing
rudimentary free markets?

274
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,608
Just go perform
that stunt!

275
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,365
Unless you
are not who
you claim to be.

276
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,920
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
It's showtime!

277
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:07,965
(BOTH GRUNTING)

278
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:10,726
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

279
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,686
I give you the great
American acrobat,
Homer Simpson,

280
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:19,368
to attempt our
most popular stunt,
Chairman Wow!

281
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:25,249
Hup! Nice chair toss.

282
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,526
Good one, skinny.

283
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,402
You guys get
these chairs
from Regal Rents?

284
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,644
Boy, you're
a great stacker.
Hi, Lisa.

285
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:36,731
Now that's precarious!

286
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,205
Boy, this is easy.

287
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,284
Maybe I am
the world's
greatest acrobat.

288
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:46,361
(ALL GASPING)

289
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,883
(SCREAMING)

290
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:51,965
(APPLAUDING)

291
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,760
USA! USA! US...

292
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:01,521
(BONE CRACKING)

293
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:02,806
A-

294
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,443
(EKG BEEPING)
(HOMER MURMURING)

295
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,969
Ooh. You're curing me
with acupuncture.

296
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,681
No. A porcupine
snuck in while
you were asleep.

297
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:18,685
Go on! Shoo! Come back
in Year of Porcupine,
which is never!

298
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,001
I'd like you all
to meet someone.

299
00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,090
Introducing
Ling Bouvier!

300
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:26,891
(GASPS) Selma,
she's beautiful.

301
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,400
(GURGLING)

302
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,888
This is Homer,
your daddy.

303
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,327
Without him,
I wouldn't
have you.

304
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:34,966
(LAUGHING)

305
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,922
Aw. She likes my eyes. Ow.

306
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:41,482
Homer,
I do appreciate
what you did.

307
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:44,040
How'd you like
a little time
with Miss October?

308
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:46,043
I would,
but Marge
would kill me.

309
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,804
I mean, oh, right.

310
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,486
Ow, ow, ow!

311
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,324
Homer, of all
the sneaky,

312
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,607
dishonest things
you've ever done,

313
00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:01,924
playing Selma's
husband was by
far the sweetest.

314
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,482
It wasn't easy, Marge.
I missed you so much.

315
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,165
Hmm. (GIGGLES)

316
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,926
Okay, one
quick snuggle.

317
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,128
Is there any other kind?

318
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,771
Fool me once,
shame on you.

319
00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:25,969
Fool me twice,
shame on Wu!

320
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:30,803
Ling, you're gonna
be very happy in America.

321
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,405
Unlike everyone
else there.

322
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:33,720
(GIGGLING)

323
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,805
Selma Bouvier,
this man is not
your husband.

324
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,803
And for that,
no adoption!

325
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:45,401
Mama!

326
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,522
They took my baby.

327
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,000
(SOBBING)

328
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:56,891
Wow, the fortune
cookies here really
are more accurate.

329
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,404
(SOBBING)

330
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,283
I am so sorry
about what
happened.

331
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:10,964
But at least
you saw what
it was like

332
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,963
to be married
to me for
a little while.

333
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:14,724
(SOBS HARDER)

334
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,040
Listen, I've got
a plan to get
Ling back.

335
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,485
But we must be discreet.

336
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,722
You never know
where there might
be a spy.

337
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:27,771
Yes, tell me your
plan in detail,
American sister.

338
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,568
Don't have
a cattle, dude.
(GRUNTS)

339
00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,330
Let's talk about
this outside.

340
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,967
(SPRAYING)
Hold still, Homie.

341
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,883
Yeah, Dad.
If you don't
look perfect,

342
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,089
you'll never be
able to sneak in
and steal Ling back.

343
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,728
You look just
like a Buddha statue.

344
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,849
Now all you need is
an expression of
utter serenity.

345
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,165
Just think about
the day you found

346
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,288
that Junior Mint in
your belly button.

347
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,564
(CONTENTED MURMURS)

348
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:02,680
(DOORBELL RINGING)

349
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,360
A Buddha statue?

350
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,091
We cannot
leave it outside.
It is bad feng shui.

351
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,207
Feng shui?

352
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,361
I thought that
was just a trick

353
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,363
to sell crappy end
tables to the West.

354
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,603
Just put this hook in
his nostril and pull.

355
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,531
(SCREAMING)

356
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,371
(MOANING)

357
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,165
(MOANING)

358
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,006
l never
moved a Buddha
this heavy.

359
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,805
Let's cut him in
chunks and worship
the chunks.

360
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,520
Ooh!

361
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,684
Now let's see.
Which one is Ling?

362
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,844
Ling? Ling?

363
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,320
Ling? Ling?

364
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,640
(GURGLING)

365
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:09,771
Ling!

366
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,006
(GIGGLING)

367
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,842
If we can just get to
the Delta Airlines
Gold Medallion Lounge,

368
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,924
they can't get in
without spending
frequent flyer miles.

369
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:27,408
Plus, we get
free apple, orange,
and grape fruit juice.

370
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,006
MADAM WU: I am afraid
that juice is not
on your tongue just yet.

371
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,481
(ALL GASPING)

372
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,130
Give the baby back!

373
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,806
I cannot allow
her to be raised
by an unmarried woman!

374
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:44,329
Madam Wu, I too
work for a cruel
and faceless empire...

375
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,846
The Department
of Motor Vehicles.

376
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,123
May I talk to you,
bureaucrat to bureaucrat?

377
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,282
Yes. But you first
must sign this form.

378
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,521
And initial here.
And here.

379
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,008
Now we must
find a notary.

380
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:02,681
(CHUCKLES)
This is Wang Pu's
time to shine!

381
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:04,487
Proceed.

382
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:09,202
Madam Wu, we both love
the enforcement
of pointless rules.

383
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,011
But there's
a greater joy in
bending the rules

384
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,050
to help someone
who thinks all
hope is gone.

385
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,482
I was this woman's
husband for a few days,

386
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:21,846
in name only,

387
00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:24,446
and beer will soon
obliterate that memory,

388
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,488
but I don't think
this baby could find

389
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,207
Any greater love
on your planet
or ours.

390
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,925
You may not
believe this,

391
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,923
but I once was
a baby myself.

392
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,162
My father
was a Ping-Pong
champion.

393
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:41,284
He died when
the ball got stuck
in his throat.

394
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:44,842
The Heimlich maneuver
was invented
the very next day.

395
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:48,403
My mother raised me alone,
so I know it can be done.

396
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,845
You may keep
your baby.

397
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,485
But, you!
Drop the panda!

398
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,085
But he loves me. Ow!

399
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:58,529
Ow! Why you little...
I'll endanger you...

400
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,962
(GROWLING)
(GRUNTING)

401
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:17,045
Goodbye, Simpsons.

402
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,043
You'll be back
someday, Ling,

403
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,441
as a spoiled
American teenager.

404
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,005
(LAUGHING)

405
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,847
(LAUGHS LIKE SELMA)

406
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:31,004
Something's
wrong with Bart.

407
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,241
He's acting weird.

408
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,244
(IMITATES BART)
Feast on my shorts,
stupid father man.

409
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,403
Wait, you're
not Bart.
Close enough.

410
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,289
(LAUGHING)

411
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:47,848
<i>(CHINESE-STYLE SINGING)
American jerks are going home</i>

412
00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:52,005
<i>Now we sleep for
a thousand years</i>

413
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:55,846
<i>When we wake,
the world will end</i>

414
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,921
David Silverman here,
supervising director
of <i>The Simpsons.</i>

415
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,002
And tonight,
I'm gonna show you
how to draw Bart.

416
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:08,924
Now we start off with
a tin can, like this.

417
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,606
And a little tuna
fish can for the bottom
part of his head.

418
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:12,920
A little hinge
of an ear.

419
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:14,451
And a big sausage
for a nose.

420
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,761
Two giant golf
balls for eyes.

421
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,444
Now here's
a trick about the hair.

422
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:23,526
It's one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine points.

423
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:28,011
And there you go.
Perfect Barts every time.

424
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,123
Now once you've
mastered how
to draw Bart,

425
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,123
you can put him
in all sorts
of costumes.

426
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:35,124
Some that he likes,
some that he hates.

427
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,211
Well, that's it,
my friends.

428
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,884
Thank you very much.
Keep watching.