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00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:06,489
(SINGING) The Simpsons
2
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:08,244
(TIRES SCREECHING)
3
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:10,287
D'oh!
4
00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,361
(EXCLAIMING)
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00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:12,965
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
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(YOWLING)
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00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:33,124
EDNA:
Good news, children.
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00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:34,969
This Friday, we'll be holding
9
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,202
a school-wide
medieval festival.
10
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,369
Medieval?
Like Lord of the Rings?
11
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:40,561
No. Not at all.
12
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:41,721
(ALL GROAN)
13
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,201
Can't we just
keep going forward
in our textbooks?
14
00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,762
No! Now I've already
assigned each of you
a role in the medieval court.
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00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,763
Martin, you shall
be our king.
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I shall pattern my reign
on Enguerrand the Seventh,
Sire de Coucy!
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Tralloo trallay!
18
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,644
EDNA: Not so fast, Nelson.
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You're one of
King Martin's guards.
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00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,167
Ha ha!
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00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,090
You'll pay for this!
My Liege.
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What am I gonna be?
Black Knight? Court Ninja?
Bart the Impaler!
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00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,049
Bart, you'll be
playing the village cooper.
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What kind
of a knight
is that?
25
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,410
The kind of knight
that makes barrels
and isn't a knight. Ha!
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00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:18,247
Ay, caramba!
Well, this stinks.
27
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,322
But I bet Lisa got
something even stupider.
28
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,169
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Hmm?
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00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,368
All hail the Queen!
30
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Now, as queen,
you shall be entitled
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to eat the same French fries
the teachers do.
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The ones made from potatoes?
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The very same.
34
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,890
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
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00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,488
My coat of arms
is a Spiderman
couchant on a field vert.
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What's "couchant" mean?
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Lying down.
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(GROANS)
You mean like you?
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Now what does
"vert" mean?
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Say it means punching.
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Oh, Willie,
during the festival,
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you'll be wearing these
urine-soaked rags.
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You're the village idiot.
44
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Now, allow me to apply this
rubber cement to your face
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to represent
the ravages of plague.
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Ach! My face!
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What drunken call girl
will have me now? Oh!
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(RENAISSANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
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00:02:19,560 --> 00:02:20,800
Now, peasants,
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00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:21,961
since the Middle Ages
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00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,771
had no compact disks
or Super Mario men,
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people found entertainment
in abusing the village idiot.
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So let history
come alive.
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ALL: Yeah!
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Wait! Let me take out
my contact lenses!
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(GROANS)
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Pelt all you want.
But revenge will be Willie's!
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00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,971
(SCREAMS) That was a stapler!
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00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,248
(SINGING)
Dragon in the dungeon
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00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,962
Maiden in my lair
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00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,611
There's potions
in my Wizard's pot
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Now drink it if you dare
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Lute solo!
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Yeah! (GRUNTS)
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(ALL GASPING)
(LAUGHS)
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00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,204
Cooper! More pink lemon-ale!
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00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,567
(ALE SLOSHING)
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00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:10,005
(GRUNTING)
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00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,368
Cooper, thy staves
are not flush.
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00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,407
Whoa!
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00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,005
(ALL LAUGHING)
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00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,050
You'll pay for this,
my queen.
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00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:21,884
Guards, take him
to the tower!
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00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:23,721
(SHUDDERS)
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00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:26,646
(GRUNTS)
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00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,131
Where is
the tower?
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00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,049
It's the backseat
of my Merkur.
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There's 37 cents
in the coin caddy
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00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,850
and stay out of my diary!
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(RATS SQUEAKING)
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Quiet, my pretties.
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00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,485
Soon, we'll have revenge
on those who mocked me!
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00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,001
Also on those who
were kind to me.
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00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,721
And on the parents
who took time
from their busy schedules
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00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,280
to make today
such a success.
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00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,164
Oh, I hate them all!
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00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,800
Noble idiot,
bring in the pie!
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(TRUMPETS PLAYING)
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I dedicate this pie
to the backbone
of the feudal system.
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The serfs!
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(ALL SCREAMING)
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00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,091
(CACKLING)
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00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:12,723
Scary McBeasties,
nibble and gnaw
at their overstuffed buttocks!
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00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:15,530
Milhouse,
don't open your mouth!
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Whoa! (GAGGING)
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(ALL SCREAMING)
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(CLATTERING)
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This is no accident.
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(LAUGHING)
Nice party, dink.
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00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:29,010
You're responsible
for this, Simpson.
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00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,605
No way!
I didn't do it!
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00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,286
Unlike all the other stuff
I told you I didn't do
which I did.
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00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,647
Bart, I'm sick
of playing
the tomfool!
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00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,849
You are hereby
expelled from
Springfield Elementary!
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00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,407
Boy, I can't believe
you got expelled!
106
00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:45,488
Well, don't expect
to spend all week
107
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,722
lying around
on the couch
like a bum!
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00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,325
'Cause that's my thing!
109
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,960
Bart, a school-sponsored
medieval festival
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00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,930
is supposed to be
the best day of
a young girl's life.
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00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,520
And you ruined it!
You deserved
to be expelled!
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I didn't do it!
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Mom, you believe me,
don't you?
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Bart, I love you.
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00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,600
But sometimes
ldon%love
your choices.
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00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,929
(SIGHS)
Now we have to find
another school for you.
117
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,764
And if you get
kicked out of
that one,
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00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,410
you're going
straight in the army
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00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,802
where you'll be sent
straight to America's
latest military quagmire.
120
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,486
Where will it be?
North Korea, Iran?
121
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,848
Anything's possible with
Commander Cuckoo Bananas
in charge!
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00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,521
Bart, this could be
a good new school.
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00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,171
Oakwood Academy! Huh?
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00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,049
Mom, that's a school
for the blind.
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00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,730
Think of the leg up
you'd have.
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00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,882
How can we afford
any of these
private schools?
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They're all
so expensive.
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00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,602
If we want to throw
good money after bad,
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00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,286
why don't we just
get Grampa
that new pacemaker?
130
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,644
I need two
double-A batteries, now!
131
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,166
Get 'em from
the smoke detector.
132
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,805
What if
there's a fire?
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The smoke
will wake us up.
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00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:53,526
How about this one?
St. Jerome's Catholic School.
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00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,763
Catholic schools are usually
the most affordable
private schools.
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Catholic school, eh?
That'll straighten
you out, boy.
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00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:05,087
There you don't just
get bad grades,
you go to hell!
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00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:06,805
Oh! Oh, no!
139
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,245
(SCREAMING)
140
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,368
My pacemaker!
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00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:11,771
(BEEPING)
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00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:16,811
Classic Grampa!
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00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:23,128
Class, we have
a new student.
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00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,362
Bart, would you like
to introduce yourself?
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00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:29,041
Hi, I'm Bart Simpson.
Ay, caramba. Do the Bartman,
et cetera, et cetera.
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00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,804
(VIDEOGAME BEEPING)
147
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,087
(GRUNTS)
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00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,731
In the old days,
we'd use a ruler
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00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,087
to deal with
incorrigibles like you.
150
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,004
Thanks for
the history lesson, Sis.
151
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,321
These days,
we use a yardstick!
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00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:44,641
(GRUNTS)
153
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,881
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
154
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,248
I'll show you.
I'll move 33 inches away.
155
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,322
A yard's 36!
156
00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:53,364
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
157
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,084
Now you tell me.
158
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,687
I don't know
what they taught you
in public school.
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00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:01,847
But at St. Jerome's,
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00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,809
we don't tolerate
back sass.
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00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,008
Stretch out your arms
like our Lord on the cross.
162
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,521
Now hold these dictionaries.
163
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,764
Now think what
it would be like
164
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,490
if you had nails
in your hands.
165
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,087
Well, I guess they'd help me
hold the dictionaries up.
166
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,161
Wrong answer!
167
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(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
168
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,325
Stupid Catholic school.
169
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:25,161
Suffering from
my hip attitude.
I'm the real Jesus here.
170
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:26,521
(MAN LAUGHING)
171
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,682
So, it's sacrilege
you're spoutin' now.
172
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,046
What's it to you, Irish?
173
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,281
My name's Father Sean.
174
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,283
And I used to be
an ornery wee cuss myself.
175
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,160
Until one day
after a drunken brawl
with me dad...
176
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:37,805
(BOTH GRUNTING)
177
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,963
You're just like
your mother!
Can't take a punch!
178
00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:42,565
(GROANING)
179
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,443
FATHER SEAN:
I was laying in the gutter
picking up my teeth
180
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,921
when Saint Peter himself
appears before me.
181
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,729
Sean, you wanker...
He says.
182
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,723
Repent of
your wicked ways
or sod off.
183
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,282
Then he gobbed in my face
and turned back
into a streetlight.
184
00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,522
And that's how
I came to the Church.
185
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,730
Well, I'm only here
because I got blamed
for a prank I didn't do!
186
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:02,841
Mmm-hmm.
187
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,169
Call me crazy,
but I believe you.
188
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,645
You do?
Of course I do.
189
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,088
You know, lots of
church types started off
as rotten wee buggers.
190
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,766
St. Augustine himself
got his start stealing pears.
191
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:13,881
Stealing pairs of what?
192
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,002
Hubcaps, Reeboks,
human eyes?
193
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,730
It's all in here.
See for yourself.
194
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,127
Cool!
195
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:23,847
Sister Thomasina,
196
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,082
I've taken the liberty
of knocking the vinegar
out of him.
197
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:30,289
He's all yours.
Yeah, whatever.
198
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,402
Now, class,
open your math books
199
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:34,005
to the word problems
of our Lord.
200
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,602
"Billy and Joseph
start their penance
at the same time.
201
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,889
"If each swear word
brings 1,000 years in hell..."
202
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,321
BART: "Saint Sebastian was
a pious Roman soldier.
203
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,209
"For preaching Christianity
to the Romans,
204
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:49,490
"the Emperor Diocletian
sentenced him to death
by hail of arrows."
205
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,321
(GROANS)
206
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,767
Now it's payback time!
207
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:55,925
(GRUNTING)
208
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,127
I wish I'd gone
to more orgies.
209
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,440
(GROANS)
210
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,521
Wow! This stuff is great!
211
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,001
It's way better
than the comics
I get at the dentist!
212
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:11,801
Then Father Sean
quoted Eminem
in his sermon.
213
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,121
And in art class,
we painted Saint Joan
burning at the stake.
214
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,730
And mine
was the grossest.
215
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,564
(CACKLING) Catholics rock!
216
00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,007
(MUTTERS)
217
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,724
Bart, I'm glad
you had fun.
218
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,565
But I wouldn't get
too into that
Catholic church
219
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,564
with all the sitting
and standing and kneeling.
220
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,643
It's like Simon Says
without a winner.
221
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,643
Mom, that's blasphemy.
222
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:31,801
I'll say
a rosary for you.
223
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,167
Don't you touch
bead one! (GRUNTS)
224
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,001
Homer, maybe
we should be concerned.
225
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,361
Catholics can be
a peculiar bunch.
226
00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:41,727
No birth control,
no meat on Friday.
227
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,691
No meat?
What do they eat?
Light bulbs?
228
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,762
Let's just change
the subject.
229
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,444
Bart, would you
like to say grace?
230
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:49,601
Yes'm.
231
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,921
In nomine Patris
et fillii et Spiritus Sancti.
232
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,206
Bart, what the hell
are you saying?
233
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,165
That's Latin, Dad.
The language of Plutarch.
234
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,326
Mickey Mouse's dog?
235
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,205
No. Plutarch!
236
00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:02,681
He chronicled the lives
of the Roman emperors.
237
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,281
Oh! I didn't need
that new fact!
238
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,601
Now I forgot
who won Bud Bowl VIII.
239
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,206
Boy, I'm pulling you
out of that crazy school!
240
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,241
(GRUNTING)
Hey!
241
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:15,606
I'm Bart Simpson's father.
242
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,126
And I'm sick of you
teaching my son
your time-tested values.
243
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,281
(SNIFFS)
244
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,089
Hey, what's that smell?
245
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,731
We're having our monthly
pancake dinner.
Care to join us?
246
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:27,728
You've transformed
breakfast into dinner.
247
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,325
It's a miracle!
248
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,124
Log Cabin, full of taste,
my stomach is with thee.
249
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,168
Blessed art thou
among syrups.
And bless...
250
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:36,725
No praying
to the condiments!
251
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,041
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
252
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,731
Que buenos
cake-os de pan-o!
253
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,522
Oh, boy!
Oh. yeah! Good!
254
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,881
Um...
255
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,482
All pancakes aside,
I really came here
to talk about my son.
256
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:53,642
I understand.
But can it wait
until after Bingo?
257
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,927
Bingo?
That's my favorite game.
258
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,162
I just can't remember
what to yell out
when you win.
259
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,322
"Bingo."
That's my favorite game.
260
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,687
I just can't remember
what to yell out
when you win.
261
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,922
Oh! How about
you just say,
"Yay, l won!"
262
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,047
Bingo!
263
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,846
I've never seen
such masterful
Bingo playing.
264
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,763
What's your secret, Homer?
265
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,843
(WHISPERS)
You have to cheat!
266
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,965
Uh, listen.
267
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,687
Is it true
you priest guys
can't ever...
268
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,725
(MUTTERS) You know...
269
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,848
I'll admit,
the vow of celibacy
270
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,524
is one of
our sterner challenges.
271
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,371
Celibacy?
I was talking about the meat
on Friday thing!
272
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:32,161
Man, you guys
got more crazy rules
than Blockbuster Video!
273
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,368
Well, that's true.
But if you do break a rule,
274
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,206
you can always find absolution
in the sacrament
of confession.
275
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,521
Wait, wait, wait.
No matter what I did,
276
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:45,208
no matter how many people
lost their pensions,
it's forgiven like that?
277
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:47,408
If you truly repent,
then yes.
278
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:50,729
Okay! Let's make
some magic here.
279
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,724
I wiped a booger
on your shirt.
I made a dog and a cat kiss.
280
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:56,201
I swiped a bolted down TV
from a Holiday Inn,
281
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,726
I coveted the wife
in Jaws 2,
I lied to a waiter,
282
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:00,290
I masturbated
eight billion times,
283
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,488
and I have no plans
to stop masturbating
in the future.
284
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,800
Whoo-hoo! I'm clean!
In your face, Lord!
285
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,809
Um, not quite,
Mr. Simpson.
286
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,201
I can only absolve you
if you're a Catholic.
287
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,881
Right.
And how do I join?
288
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,570
Do I whale on
some Unitarians?
289
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,563
Well, it's a little harder
than that.
290
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,007
It begins by
looking inside yourself.
291
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,565
(MOANS)
But it ends with
292
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,165
bread and wine.
Whoo-hoo!
293
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,768
Homer, you've been
out all night.
294
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,281
And you look like
you've accepted someone
295
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,362
as your personal
something.
296
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,130
Were you at that
Catholic church?
297
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:38,010
Look, Marge.
I know I was supposed
to yell at that priest.
298
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:39,161
But he's so cool!
299
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:41,447
He plays drums in a band
with a bunch of other priests!
300
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,927
I knew they'd try
to convert you!
301
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,604
That's what they do!
302
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,802
Well, I'm not having
another 12 kids!
303
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:52,841
Marge, no one is saying 12.
Nine, 10, tops. See?
304
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,766
Forget it!
305
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,684
And you know, I went to
a Catholic wedding once.
306
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,525
The incense
ruined my pantsuit!
307
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:01,966
Marge, relax.
308
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,725
I never heard of anyone
getting so upset
about religion.
309
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:11,045
(INAUDIBLE)
310
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,964
(ORGAN PLAYING)
311
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,286
Marge is here
all alone.
312
00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,443
I heard her son
is Catholic now.
Her husband, too.
313
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:28,760
(GROANS)
314
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,483
Marge, all by yourself today?
315
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,530
Well, Homer
and Bart are...
316
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:36,965
Well, they're under
the weather.
317
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,371
Mmm-hmm.
Under the weather?
318
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,886
Or under the spell of a man
in a pointy white hat?
319
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,123
All right. I admit it!
They're both at
the Catholic church!
320
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,565
Reverend,
what should I do?
321
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,404
Marge, this calls for
an emergency meeting
322
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,811
of the church's
spiritual council.
323
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,081
To Stuckey's!
324
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:52,845
Bart and Homer
can't go Catholic.
325
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,160
Romans have been
separate from us
326
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,163
since the Schism of Lourdes
in 1573.
327
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,765
And that was about
our holy right
328
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,251
to come to church
with wet hair!
329
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:00,890
Which we've
since abolished.
330
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:04,931
I guess it's good that
they're taking an interest
in spirituality.
331
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,484
Oh, spirituality's
great, Marge.
Hey, I'm Mr. Spiritual.
332
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:14,168
But remember,
a different faith
means a different afterlife.
333
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,321
Hmm...
334
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,925
Marge Simpson,
welcome to Protestant Heaven.
335
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,888
Through in one?
Hurrah.
336
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,450
Poppy, have you
seen Dash?
337
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,284
Where's Homer and Bart?
338
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,487
(GASPS)
339
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,130
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
340
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:38,964
(BOTH GRUNTING)
341
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,731
(GROANS) Wow! Up here,
that feels good!
342
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,242
Now dance,
you heavenly gobs!
343
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:52,930
(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)
344
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,331
Oh, I wish my family
was with me.
345
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,767
Sorry, Marge.
They're just
not our sort.
346
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,081
Well, then I'd like to
speak with Jesus.
347
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,730
I'm afraid
he's gone native.
348
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,131
(LAUGHING)
349
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,606
Whoa! Stop it!
350
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,205
Guys, I'm serious!
351
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,370
No!
352
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,365
Don't worry, Marge.
We'll get your boy back.
353
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,320
Excuse me.
That better be decaf.
354
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:32,765
The rim is orange,
ain't it?
355
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,207
Or does under-tipping
make you color blind?
356
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,290
Her husband's
sleeping with her sister.
357
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:40,646
Who said that?
358
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,047
So now what do we call it
when the communion wafer
becomes the body of Christ?
359
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:46,885
(GRUNTING)
360
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,411
KEVIN: Hey!
Yes, Homer?
361
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:49,641
Transubstantiation.
362
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:50,807
Very good.
363
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,531
He cheated.
He's got it written
on his arm.
364
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,285
(HOMER LAUGHING)
365
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,249
Welcome to
the jungle, Kevin!
366
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:00,561
(GASPS)
367
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,763
First communion?
368
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:04,410
Oh, we've gotta
stop 'em now!
369
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,767
Once they seal the deal,
there's no turning back!
370
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,842
Just like the Jews
with their snippety-snip.
371
00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,366
Bart, get your things!
You're leaving with me!
372
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:14,642
Sorry, Mom. But this
is a Catholic church.
373
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,210
Chicks don't have
any authority here.
374
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,921
Mrs. Simpson, please.
If there's a problem,
I'm sure we can talk it over.
375
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,804
Back off,
Pope-y LaPew!
376
00:16:21,880 --> 00:16:23,723
Marge, what are you
doing here?
377
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,320
Homer,
you're physically an adult.
378
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,971
And what you do
in the privacy
of your own soul
379
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:30,041
is your business.
380
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,169
But I didn't change
Bart's diapers
for five years
381
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,890
to see him
become a Catholic!
382
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,963
I thought
there was a monster
in the potty.
383
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,804
Let's go! (GRUNTS)
384
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,931
I think
we've lost them.
385
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,525
They weren't
following us.
386
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,762
Then why
did I drive through
that barn?
387
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:54,441
Oh! Why did you guys
have to take me away?
388
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:56,090
You're always nagging me
to go to church.
389
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,168
And now that I am,
it's the wrong one.
390
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,681
I just don't think
your father's
the right person
391
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,489
to pick out
a religion for you.
392
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,410
Okay. I'll pick
a religion for me.
Judaism.
393
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,364
(SINGING)
Don't have a cow, man
394
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,125
Don't have a cow, man
Don't have a cow, man
395
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,805
Have a piece of fish
Oy!
396
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:15,322
Bart, we're here
to bring you back
to the one true faith,
397
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:19,644
the Western Branch
of American Reform
Presbylutheranism.
398
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,201
(HAWAII FIVE-O RINGTONE)
399
00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:25,241
Hello, Homer.
400
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,924
Marge, you bring
Bart home now!
401
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,480
Once you go Vatican,
you can't go back again!
402
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:30,931
It wasn't
a fair fight!
403
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,731
Your church
suckered him in
with gory stories!
404
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,451
Just like we were
suckered into
getting Cinemax!
405
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,489
Face it, Marge.
Catholics rule.
406
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,370
We got Boston, South America,
the good part of Ireland,
407
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,284
and we're making
serious inroads
in Mozambique, baby!
408
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,722
Well, I'm gonna show Bart
that Protestants
can be hip, too.
409
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,167
How do you like
those croutons?
410
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:54,371
Oh! Why does that woman
thwart my sporadic interest
in my children?
411
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,410
Shouldn't Bart and I be able
to choose our own religion
if we want to?
412
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,648
Strange as it sounds, Dad,
I agree with you.
413
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,767
Huh?
414
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,002
Everyone should be able
to choose their faith.
415
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,684
Just like I chose Buddhism.
416
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,250
Buddhism?
417
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,491
VVell, l guess
lots of kids have
imaginary friends.
418
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,846
I'll ignore that.
419
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,769
In fact,
I'm gonna help you.
420
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:15,161
I have a pretty good idea
where they are.
421
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,089
We can't lose Bart
now that we're so close.
422
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,885
If I do, I'll be
the worst priest ever.
423
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,803
Well, except for, you know...
424
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:27,121
Ahem!
425
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,801
Now, Bart, isn't this
the kind of religion
426
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,645
you'd like
to be a part of
for all eternity?
427
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:39,042
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome,
428
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,361
hot off their conversion
to Christianity,
429
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:46,571
the band once known
as Quiet Riot, Pious Riot!
430
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:47,801
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
431
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,811
(SINGING)
Come on, feel the Lord
432
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,965
Heaven's your reward
433
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,328
We'll get saved,
saved,saved
434
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,690
What's wrong, Bart?
You love youth culture.
435
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,444
Mom, a religion isn't cool
436
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,763
just because they've
glommed onto some crappy
rock band from the 1940s.
437
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,486
Hey, we've played
more state fairs
than The Beatles!
438
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:10,766
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
439
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,604
You just don't get it.
440
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:16,002
I've made a sacred commitment
to the Catholic Church
and... (GASPS)
441
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,929
Paintball! Awesome!
442
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,201
(GRUNTS)
443
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:29,406
(SCREAMS)
444
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:31,170
Die! Die! Die!
445
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:35,611
Oh, Bart, I knew
one of these dumb things
would work.
446
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:36,926
Mmm.
447
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,204
(GASPS) My hive!
My trademark hive!
448
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:46,444
Hop in, boy.
We'll show your mother
449
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,249
our God
kicks her God's butt.
450
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,051
Back off,
you servants
of the Holy See!
451
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:52,690
(GUNS COCKING)
452
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,129
Easy on the zeal, church-os.
453
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,123
I've got something to say.
454
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,651
Don't you get it?
455
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,127
It's all Christianity, people.
456
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,681
The little stupid
differences are nothing
457
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,047
next to the big
stupid similarities!
458
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,282
He's right!
Can't we all
get together
459
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:12,169
and concentrate
on our real enemies?
460
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,811
Monogamous gays
and stem cells?
461
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,360
Well said, mate.
Put 'er there.
462
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,170
(CHUCKLES)
My pleasure.
463
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,244
Note to self,
have hand re-blessed.
464
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,971
Bart, you've taught us all
an important lesson.
465
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:28,484
We Christians have been
niggling over details
for far too long.
466
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,006
Amen. And I hope that
from this day forward,
467
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:35,642
we all learn to take
Bart's message of tolerance
and understanding to heart.
468
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,644
We believe that
God's last prophet,
Bart Simpson,
469
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,764
preached a message
of tolerance and love.
470
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:51,682
We believe the holy Bartman
preached a message of
understanding and peace
471
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,924
before he was betrayed
by his follower, Milhouse,
472
00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,164
and pulled apart
by snowmobiles
until he died.
473
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,050
ALL: Eat my shorts!
474
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,650
ALL: Cowabunga!
475
00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:04,921
(ALL SHOUTING)
476
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,081
(EXPLOSION)
477
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,290
(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)
478
00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:53,841
(SHUSHING)