1
00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:05,723
(SINGING) The Simpsons
2
00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:07,521
(TIRES SCREECHING)
3
00:00:09,440 --> 00:00:10,441
D'oh!
4
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:11,521
(SCREAMS)
5
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:15,601
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Ripped By mstoll
6
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,925
(SINGING)
Tis the season to be jolly
7
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:32,001
Mid-June?
8
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:33,851
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
9
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:39,369
Kids, this is the holiest night of
the year. Tomorrow is Father's Day.
10
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,808
And that makes tonight
Father's Day Eve.
11
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:48,167
(SINGING) Joy to the world
A father's born
12
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,881
Let me receive great gifts
13
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,408
Dad, there's no such thing
as Father's Day Eve.
14
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,563
No Father's Day Eve?
15
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,889
Does this mean there's no
such thing as Daddy Claus?
16
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:03,007
(WHIMPERS)
17
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:05,402
Fine. There's a Daddy Claus.
18
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:06,970
Is there a Super Bowl
Bunny?
19
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,485
Sure. Why not?
20
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:09,561
(GIGGLING)
21
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:14,642
Bart, Lisa, we've gotta get
to the mall before it closes.
22
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,843
Oh, can I come with you?
I know I can't!
23
00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:19,206
(GIGGLING)
24
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,247
Hey, Mom. Can I have some
money to buy Dad a present?
25
00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:27,291
If I give you money, how is
the gift really from you?
26
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:28,600
Where do you get your money?
27
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,529
Here's a 10.
Make your own card.
28
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,045
(GIGGLING)
29
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,442
Now, Ralphie, let me
explain it to you again.
30
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,808
I give you $5
and you buy Daddy a present.
31
00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:46,405
Okey-doke. (GULPS)
32
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,120
(SIGHS)
Hey, give me that! Oh!
33
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:51,683
Whoa! This is a 50!
(CHUCKLES)
34
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,410
This kid's finally
paying off.
35
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,805
All right, Ralphie. Let's see
what you can do with a hundred.
36
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:57,881
(GULPS)
37
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,044
Come on, Ralphie. Big money!
Big money, Ralphie!
38
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:03,571
Big money...
39
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,081
Cool.
40
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,130
That's what I'm getting.
How about you?
41
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,487
I'm afraid the best thing
I could find is this.
42
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:30,081
BART: Ay, caramba! You know,
this mass-produced junk
43
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,561
doesn't express how I feel about Dad.
(HUFFS)
44
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,090
lam making him a present
that comes from the heart.
45
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,803
Hello. I'm looking for
something in a pipe cleaner.
46
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:46,326
Extra bendy
with medium fuzz.
47
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:49,609
Mmm-hmm. This just
came in from Zanzibar.
48
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:50,846
Oh...
49
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,326
Mmm-hmm.
50
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,848
HOMER;
What a great Father's Day!
51
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:56,849
Here you go, Dad.
I hope you like it.
52
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,331
I've forgotten what it is.
53
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,567
(GASPS)
A Leather Buddy!
54
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,166
There's no limit to
what I can do with this.
55
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:06,126
Fear not, m'lady.
56
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:10,046
Captain Dash Superstud
is here with his small tool!
57
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,646
(PIRATES YELLING)
58
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:16,926
(GRUNTS)
59
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:21,561
(ALL GROANING)
60
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:22,761
(SWORDS CLATTERING)
Arr.
61
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,207
This is the worst
Father's Day ever!
62
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:26,646
(BONE CRACKS)
(GROANS)
63
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,290
Oh, Captain,
you're so handy.
64
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,209
Bart, this is the greatest
present I ever received.
65
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,611
To open another gift now
66
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,887
would be like following
the London Philharmonic
67
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,883
with Jessica Simpson.
68
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,724
What you got, Lisa?
69
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,087
What the hell is this?
(GROANS)
70
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,402
The unicorns
are you and me, Dad.
71
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:47,686
I drew it myself!
72
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,048
What do you think,
huh? Huh?
73
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,248
Pretty heartfelt, huh?
Huh?
74
00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,001
Oh, it's heartfelt.
75
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:01,163
There's no escaping that.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, honey.
76
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:04,005
You didn't like it,
did you?
77
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,885
No, no, no. It's great.
I'm done with it now.
78
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,161
(SOBBING)
79
00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:11,684
Lisa, sweetie,
I think your father
80
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,250
would like to put your
book up on the fridge
81
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,846
where everyone can see
how nice it is.
82
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,882
Aw, isn't that cute?
83
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:27,245
Oh, Dad,
how could you?
84
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,290
It's not my fault!
Lousy magnet!
85
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:31,681
(SOBBING)
86
00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,524
NO, no...
87
00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:35,801
What the...
88
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,402
(READING) D'oh!
89
00:04:43,360 --> 00:04:44,361
Ohh...
90
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,411
I still don't understand how
her feelings can be hurt.
91
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:48,761
It's my day!
92
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,923
She's not going to get over this quickly.
I know women.
93
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,043
Yeah. But I know
how to win women back.
94
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,408
I even won you back after I lost
our wedding album in a bar bet!
95
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:58,721
You what?
96
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,882
I mean, I will win you back!
97
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:04,806
(SINGING) Here comes the Moe
With a pretty girl
98
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:09,244
'Cause these are things
that happened In real life
99
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:10,361
(GRUNTS)
100
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:11,487
Mmm-hmm.
101
00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,569
Hey, Moe.
Can we get a drink?
102
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,404
Ah, shut up and hand me
more Moe heads.
103
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:16,961
(GROANS)
104
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,686
(HUMMING)
105
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:21,807
Hmm?
106
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,524
Cool, I'm a street.
107
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,166
Hey, Simpson. Are you
gonna steal the sign?
108
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,005
Yeah. If a sign's got your
name on it, you can take it
109
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,321
and the cops can't do
nothing about it.
110
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,402
It's like the Sixth Amendment
or something.
111
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:39,605
Well, that sign would look
good hidden under my bed.
112
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:47,001
Whoa! Can we dish out the peer
pressure or what? (GRUNTS)
113
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:48,566
Hey, Milhouse!
114
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:51,923
Cool kids ride bikes
with their eyes closed!
115
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,525
MILHOUSE: I'm cool!
116
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,045
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
117
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,121
(CRASHES)
118
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,287
I'm outta here.
I got Hebrew school.
119
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:02,686
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
120
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,681
I'm sorry I made you
feel bad, honey.
121
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:16,082
But I'm gonna show you just how
much I care about your feelings.
122
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,770
One adult
and one baby, please.
123
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,083
I'm not a baby.
A baby is zero to two.
124
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:24,369
Her first words.
Play along!
125
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,807
It's 50 cents
less for babies!
126
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,968
I'd rather not go than lie.
127
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,166
How you doing?
128
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,481
So, is that your jacket
on the back of that chair?
129
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,441
Check it out.
I stole the sign.
130
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:43,841
Check it out.
We stole The Scream.
131
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,889
Put that away.
It creeps me out.
132
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,088
(GRUMBLING)
133
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,164
...stupid dad doesn't care
about my feelings.
134
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,005
Oh, Lisa, may I borrow
one of your colored pencils?
135
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,602
Sure! That's all you men do
is take and take and take
136
00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,160
without regard to feelings or unicorns!
(GRUNTS)
137
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,562
Here, take my lunch, too!
(GRUNTS)
138
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,486
Just take my whole backpack!
(GRUNTS)
139
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:13,006
Which of you boys hurled Lisa
Simpson's backpack through my window?
140
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,204
Oh, it had to be
a boy, did it?
141
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,648
You think a girl can't flip out?
Well, you're wrong!
142
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:21,925
(GRUNTING)
143
00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:24,523
My flexi-cast!
144
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,401
(GRUNTS)
(SHATTERS)
145
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:27,881
(GRUNTS)
146
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:30,761
(NEIGHS)
147
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:35,763
Lisa, I hold in my hand a sticker
with a frownie face on it.
148
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:38,525
Don't make me
affix it to your file.
149
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,807
(MOCKS) "Don't make me
affix it to your file."
150
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,487
I'm peeling off the back.
151
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,762
Don't make me do this.
152
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,650
(SIGHS) May God forgive me.
153
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:55,961
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
154
00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,166
Willie, we've got rats chewing
through the wiring again.
155
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:02,164
Leave me alone!
I'm making me ramen noodles!
156
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:12,245
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I'm afraid
we have a real problem with Lisa.
157
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,321
(GLASS SHATTERS)
158
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:19,802
Your daughter broke a window,
upended an ash can,
159
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,531
and hurled a Thermos
brand thermos onto the street!
160
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,251
Does it still keep hot drinks
hot and cold drinks cold?
161
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,842
I'm afraid it doesn't keep any
drinks anything. (GASPS)
162
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,725
I've asked the school
psychologist to shed some light
163
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,246
on your daughter's sudden
burst of inappropriateness.
164
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:39,001
I'm afraid Lisa's rage stems from
extraordinary disillusionment
165
00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:40,884
with a parental figure.
166
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:42,769
In this case, her father.
167
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,367
Oh, sure. It's easy
to point out my faults.
168
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,602
It's a little harder
to shut up!
169
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:52,207
Looking at your daughter's
essays, this isn't a new trend.
170
00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:54,521
"Daddy's Face-Down
Thanksgiving,"
171
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,090
"Left at the Grand Canyon,"
172
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,731
"The Day a Policeman
Came to My Soccer Game."
173
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:02,283
Mr. Simpson, Lisa
is at a crucial juncture.
174
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,604
If she doesn't see her father
as a positive role model,
175
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:08,127
she could hate men
for the rest of her life.
176
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:09,811
Oh, I know!
177
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,004
But how can I undo
eight years of jerkiness
178
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,970
in two easy sessions
at no cost to me?
179
00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:18,088
If I may make a suggestion.
180
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,122
The school is looking
for a new Safety Salamander.
181
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,729
When Lisa sees you teaching children
to avoid downed power lines,
182
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,371
it could restore her faith
in you and the male gender.
183
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:29,805
Oh, I don't know.
184
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,570
What happened to the last
Safety Salamander?
185
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,211
Uh, he fell asleep
in the suit and suffocated.
186
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,641
I can do that!
187
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:39,283
HOMER: Okay, Lisa.
Time for Daddy's big surprise.
188
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:40,521
(GROWLS)
(LISA SCREAMS)
189
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:41,921
(LAUGHS)
190
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,322
Sometimes it's scary when your
dreams come true, isn't it, sweetie?
191
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,290
I guess.
Yeah.
192
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,204
Now I'm off to bring safety
to Springfield Elementary
193
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:51,884
and win back your love!
194
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,201
Whoa!
195
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,522
(GROANS) What's that, honey?
I can't hear you very well?
196
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:56,681
(SPUTTERING)
197
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,727
Salamander away!
198
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,361
(CAT YOWLS)
199
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,646
Sorry, Bart!
200
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,810
HOMER: The first rule
of bus safety
201
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,769
is always wear
your seatbelts.
202
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,241
School buses
don't have seatbelts.
203
00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,163
Then what protects you
if we crash?
204
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,129
A metal bar at tooth level.
205
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,281
Stop this bus!
206
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:18,964
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
207
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,371
(CHILDREN GROANING)
BOY: My teeth!
208
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,646
Look, Lisa.
I made safety happen.
209
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,041
(GROANS) Oh.
210
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,571
Safety tip 99,
211
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:29,563
always double bolt
your easel.
212
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:30,881
(SNAPS)
Ouch! Son of a...
213
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,210
(DEEP BREATHING)
214
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:34,761
Questions? Comments?
215
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:35,966
Are you a girl?
216
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,327
Because I don't see
a sala-wiener.
217
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,401
(CHILDREN LAUGHING)
218
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:43,130
Did I hear,
"Where are the fireworks?"
219
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,971
Because here they are!
220
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,851
(CHEERFUL TUNE PLAYING)
CHILDREN: Ooh!
221
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:51,886
(ALL SCREAMING)
222
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,081
(SHRIEKS)
223
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,481
Every man for himself!
Trample if you must!
224
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:56,800
(WAILING)
225
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,760
(FIRE ALARM RINGING)
(GRUNTS) on!
226
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:00,925
(WHIMPERS)
227
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,247
Safety! Safety!
Time for safety!
228
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:08,771
(GROANS)
229
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,841
So, sweetie,
am I your hero again?
230
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,970
Jamie's father just takes her
to the zoo once a month.
231
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,082
Couldn't you be
that kind of dad?
232
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:25,081
Now, honey, you know Daddy's not
allowed in the zoo anymore.
233
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:26,525
Oh, yeah.
234
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:30,201
But I'll never stop trying
to redeem myself in your eyes.
235
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,325
How did you do that?
236
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:33,930
I don't know.
237
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,521
I said turn left
on Bart Boulevard.
238
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:45,047
I'm telling you there
t'ain't no Bart Boulevard.
239
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,361
Forget it.
Baby's already out.
240
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,808
Just get out your hunting knife
and cut the umbrelical cord.
241
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,126
Yes'm.
242
00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:54,441
(BRAKES SCREECH)
243
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,010
Hey!
Watch it!
244
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:57,681
Ahh!
245
00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:01,323
This is Kent Brockman live at
the scene of the worst accident
246
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:02,731
in Springfield history.
247
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,566
But not to worry. The city's
emergency services are on the way.
248
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,165
(POLICE SIREN BLARING)
(AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING)
249
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:09,327
(FIRE TRUCK WAILING)
250
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,601
(SCREAMING)
251
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:19,410
Can we all agree not to get
our insurance involved?
252
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,130
Come on, people. Be cool.
253
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:27,126
Springfield needs a hero
and it needs one now.
254
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,130
This looks like a job
for a dad trying
255
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,964
to win back
his daughter's love.
256
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,967
I'm forever indebted to you,
and my many creditors.
257
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,082
We were carpooling!
And that's it!
258
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,481
My mother's
still in the car!
259
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,411
No, she's not.
260
00:12:58,600 --> 00:12:59,601
Ha-ha!
261
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,771
Three cheers
for our new hero!
262
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,251
Only three?
263
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,644
Okay, six.
264
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,569
That's more like it.
265
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,882
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!
266
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,800
Oh, please.
You're embarrassing me.
267
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,801
I hereby award you
Springfield's
268
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:24,043
highest honor,
the key card to the city!
269
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,686
Now any new business?
270
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,364
Mister Mayor,
your administration
271
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,204
has been one fiasco
after another!
272
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,486
Who the hell are you?
273
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:34,641
Your press secretary.
274
00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:36,405
I knew I should've hired
my nephew.
275
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:37,811
lam your nephew.
276
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,209
Okay, so I stink.
Tough Toblerone.
277
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,089
Read the charter, people.
278
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,170
I cannot be removed
from office
279
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,244
except by a simple
recall election.
280
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:52,570
And... Uh...
Disregard that last part.
281
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,723
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Recall! Recall! Recall!
282
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:58,804
Recall! Recall! Recall!
283
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,964
Recall! Recall! Recall!
284
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:05,289
BIRDS: (SQUAWKING)
Recall, recall, recall.
285
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:09,570
Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby has
survived 12 re-election campaigns,
286
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,849
countless accusations of
infidelity, bribery, extortion,
287
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:16,003
and his bizarre attempt
to hijack a 747.
288
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,720
Take this plane anywhere
girls are going wild.
289
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,048
But the mayor may
have a tougher time
290
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:24,010
getting past next month 's
special recall election.
291
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,048
Over 200 candidates
have filed,
292
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:28,043
including yours truly,
Kent Brockman.
293
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:31,522
In other news, a common
household fabric can kill you.
294
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:35,087
Find out which one when you
vote for Kent Brockman.
295
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,128
Dear God. Every whacko, nut case,
and Disco Stu in this town
296
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,281
is gonna run against me.
297
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,404
Just imagine me the mayor!
298
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,563
Then nobody would laugh
at my singing.
299
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:50,247
(SINGING)
I'm proud to be an American
300
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,810
I am so screwed.
301
00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:58,484
Vote Luigi. I make the good
government just the way you like.
302
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,809
Vote for me,
a steroid-abusing,
303
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:05,083
pot-smoking, women-groping,
son of a Nazi,
304
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,050
washed up
has-been movie star!
305
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:09,491
(CROWD CHEERING)
306
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,689
Oh, also, I believe we
should keep an open mind
307
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:14,285
toward stem cell research.
308
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:15,600
(CROWD BOOING)
309
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,603
This election
is out of control.
310
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,523
Someone terrible could win.
311
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:25,767
If you're lame enough
to vote, vote for me.
312
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:30,482
MAN: Jimbo, tough on nerds.
Tougher on dorks.
313
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,085
Dad, we gotta
do something.
314
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,362
What can I do?
I'm only one man.
315
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,851
Lincoln was only one man.
316
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,207
Are you sure there wasn't
a midget in his hat?
317
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,770
I read an e-mail
that said there was.
318
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:43,128
Look, as the Safety Salamander,
you are beloved by all.
319
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:44,406
And if you were the mayor,
320
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:48,280
we could make sure that only good
people, like me, tell you what to do.
321
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,401
Hmm.
322
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,847
I will run for mayor.
323
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,366
And I will be your
campaign manager!
324
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,205
And I'll find out
what a mayor does!
325
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,561
Expand my brain,
learning juice.
326
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,368
Oh, I hate
press conferences.
327
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,244
Homie, you might
score more points
328
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,607
if you didn't wear
that salamander suit.
329
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:23,082
You look like the mascot for
some horrible southern college.
330
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,926
Marge, without this outfit, I'm
just Homer Simpson, multiple felon.
331
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:31,484
With it, I'm a costumed hero like
George Washington or Dame Edna.
332
00:16:31,760 --> 00:16:32,886
(CROWD CHEERING)
333
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,691
Today marks a new
dawn for Springfield.
334
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:39,771
This salamander is sitting on eggs
labeled elder care, flextime,
335
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,081
and downtown
pedestrian mall!
336
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,965
And those eggs
are ready to hatch!
337
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:46,241
(CHEERING)
338
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,684
Now I will take
your questions.
339
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,685
Uh, what special powers would a
salamander bring to the office of mayor?
340
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:57,443
Well, there's my
x-ray vision, my fire breath,
341
00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,522
and I can get big laughs
with tennis balls.
342
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:00,761
Bloop, bloop, bloop.
343
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,246
Bloop, bloop, bloop.
344
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:03,446
(CROWD LAUGHING)
345
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,211
Oh, I didn't know salamanders
could do all those things.
346
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,124
And to think, for all these
years I've been a gecko man.
347
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,049
Take a hike, jerk.
(SQUEAKS)
348
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,123
Mister Simpson,
what about those photos
349
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,123
of you strangling
your child?
350
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,041
Why should we let
this election be influenced
351
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,849
by a photo
taken hours ago?
352
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:24,485
(CHEERING)
353
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,124
Now restaurant matchbooks
for everyone!
354
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:32,489
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Salamander! Salamander!
355
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,406
Homer, you're doing great.
You're way ahead in the polls.
356
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,847
Even those negative campaign
ads aren't hurting you.
357
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,526
Simpson barely even comes
in to work anymore.
358
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:42,489
He pays a homeless man
to do it for him.
359
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:45,803
I, um... I don't
feel so good, Blue.
360
00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,243
(CHUCKLES) Hey, people may
not love Homer Simpson
361
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,890
but they love this suit.
362
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,649
Just like they love
their stupid American flag.
363
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:56,331
(HOMER GULPING)
364
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:01,687
Oh, what's that smell?
365
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:05,482
It's the smell of impending victory.
(RETCHES)
366
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:07,130
Did you just vomit
in that suit?
367
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,326
A little.
368
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,481
Oh.
369
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,485
Have you cleaned that suit
once since you got it?
370
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:13,880
No. But I swam in it.
371
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,281
Ugh. I better
wash that thing.
372
00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,840
It's hard to know where the
suit ends and you begin.
373
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:20,160
Yeah.
374
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,084
But aren't you gonna
have fun finding out?
375
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,286
No!
376
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:25,841
(CLUCKING)
377
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,971
That's weird...
Started off as an egg.
378
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,806
KENT: Our next question
goes to Eleanor Abernathy.
379
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,531
Also known as
the Crazy Cat Lady.
380
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,449
Uh, Cat Lady,
how would you boost
381
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,010
the city's commercial
tax base?
382
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:44,447
(BABBLING)
383
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,487
Small business incentives,
384
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,369
(YELLING INCOHERENTLY)
385
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,690
corporate accountability.-.
386
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,764
Cats in everyone's pants!
387
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,048
All right. Thank you, Cat Lady.
See you in the spin room.
388
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,244
Okay. Okey-dokey.
(YELLS) Yeah.
389
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,126
Our next question
is for the Safety Salamander.
390
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,361
(CROWD CHEERING)
391
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,850
Sir, how would you restore our
city's crumbling infrastructure?
392
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,480
That's an excellent question, Kent.
First of all...
393
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:19,050
What the... Must have shrunk
when my wife washed it.
394
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,489
Why, without his costume,
he's naught but a man!
395
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,848
Hey, screw this. I'm not gonna let
any human tell me what to do.
396
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,560
That's right. lam a man.
397
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,688
The man who dressed
like a salamander
398
00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,001
to win back
his daughter's love.
399
00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:34,531
Let's meet her now!
400
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:40,569
Uh, well, my son is here, too.
Let's meet him now.
401
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,091
BART: Here's Bart!
402
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:48,842
What's up?
Boring!
403
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,241
We're sick of you
and your hatchlings!
404
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,771
(CROWD BOOING)
405
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,283
Please stop throwing fruit!
406
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:57,601
(SCREAMS)
407
00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:58,681
(GROANS)
408
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,242
KENT: Our exit polls
show no candidate
409
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,129
attained the 5%
necessary to win.
410
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,489
And Mayor Joe Quimby will keep his
job, which I didn't want anyway.
411
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,364
Your loss, jackasses.
412
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,841
(SIGHING)
413
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:21,844
Well, Dad, you tried to
make this town a better place.
414
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:24,891
And no matter what,
that makes you my hero.
415
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:30,281
Aw, thanks. Now how about
a dance with your daddy?
416
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,089
I can't believe
I lost after Ben Affleck
417
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,128
campaigned
day and night for me.
418
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,487
LISA: Yeah, I warned you
about that.
419
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:46,171
Whoops!
Be careful of my tail!
420
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,208
You don't have a tail anymore.
421
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,965
You know, I...
I still feel it.
422
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:53,765
It's so itchy.
423
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:59,946
(GRUNTING)
Ripped By mstoll