1
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:06,449
(SINGING) <i>The Simpsons</i>

2
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:07,851
(BRAKES SCREECHING)

3
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D'oh!

4
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(EXCLAIMING)
<b><font color="#0A7C32">Ripped By mstoll</font></b>

5
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:12,641
(TIRES SCREECHING)

6
00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:31,606
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

7
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,450
Where's Reverend Lovejoy?

8
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:35,841
He's never been late
for Christmas service.

9
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,730
Maybe he's cheating on us
with the Episcopalians.

10
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:43,362
Look at 'em with their bright, airy
narthex and light, flaky Eucharist.

11
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:46,643
I wouldn't mind dipping
my hand in their font.

12
00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,050
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

13
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:51,891
Christ is born.
Who's on my horn?

14
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,041
Bad news, Ned.

15
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,202
There's been a horrible
train wreck.

16
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,369
So many little plastic
Christmases ruined.

17
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,365
(GASPS) You want me to deliver
the Christmas sermon?

18
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,011
Oh, I feel like
I'm born-again again!

19
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,481
(GRUNTS)

20
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,081
Don't be nervous, Ned.

21
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,367
You've practiced this so
many times in the shower.

22
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(GROANS)

23
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:16,760
Paper cut!

24
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:18,126
(SWOONING)

25
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,327
Now there's no one
to deliver the sermon.

26
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,329
Did anyone order a hero?

27
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:27,130
(HUMMING)

28
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(CLEARS THROAT)

29
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Okay, Christmas,
Christmas...

30
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,931
You know how your paperboy always
sends you a Christmas card

31
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,570
with his home
address on it?

32
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:40,766
What's up with that?

33
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,649
BOY: I wanted you
to tip me!

34
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,326
No tip till they bring back
Hagar the Horrible!

35
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,084
BOY: That's not
my decision!

36
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,527
Oh, it's never
anybody's decision.

37
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,611
Anyhoo, I'd like to tell
you all a little story

38
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I call "The First Christmas."

39
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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

40
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,125
I for one am dying
to hear it!

41
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,804
A carpenter named Joseph

42
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,726
was about to get some
frankly preposterous news.

43
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:10,761
Uh, Joseph, you know
I have never lain with a man.

44
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,285
(SCOFFS)
Tell me about it.

45
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And yet, lam with child.

46
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A pregnant virgin?

47
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,686
That's every man's
worst nightmare!

48
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,441
Hail Mary,
full of grace.

49
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That's not all
she's full of.

50
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:26,081
Quiet, you.

51
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,004
Mary, you carry in your
womb the Son of God

52
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,651
who will grow up to
become King of the Jews!

53
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,529
So, not a doctor.

54
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,887
Well, he will be able
to heal the sick.

55
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,485
But nothing to
hang on the wall?

56
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:38,561
(GROANS)

57
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,685
(DRUMS PLAYING)

58
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,568
King Herod,
we three wise men come

59
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:47,007
bearing gifts for
the King of the Jews.

60
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,411
We bring gold.

61
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:49,521
Frankincense.

62
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And myrrh, which I am re-gifting,
'cause who needs myrrh?

63
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,205
Here's the tag.

64
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,401
Thank you.

65
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,005
Which one should
I open first?

66
00:02:58,280 --> 00:02:59,964
BOTH: Hmm...
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

67
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,764
This is awkward.
(SNIFFLES)

68
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:07,161
Uh, the King of the Jews
we seek is a newborn child.

69
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,766
Find this pretender
to my throne

70
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,763
and bring him
to me!

71
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,127
Uh, now you wouldn't
hurt the little boychik?

72
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,089
Of course not.

73
00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:17,889
Kings don't hurt babies.

74
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,122
Giant pointy swords
hurt babies!

75
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,448
Oh, Hoyven
good King Herod,

76
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,443
except you don't really
have the "good,"

77
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,091
so what do you
have really then?

78
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,565
Don't you worry. I got
plenty of rooms in my inn,

79
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:36,244
all with brand new
carpeting.

80
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,850
I think my water
just broke!

81
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:39,524
You can have the barn.

82
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,967
Ah, now feel free to come by
the main house for breakfast,

83
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,804
there won't be any.

84
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(MARGE BREATHING HEAVILY)

85
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(MOOING)

86
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Just keep pushing, sweetie.

87
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,564
The doctor will
be here any second.

88
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:55,563
Shalom, everybody!

89
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,290
(MOOING AND BLEATING)

90
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,886
I've got some
very good news.

91
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,681
Caesar just invented
the caesarian!

92
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,610
Get him outta here!

93
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,888
I knew I'd like him, but I
never dreamed I'd adore him.

94
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,442
I've got the Messiah's nose!
I've got the Messiah's nose!

95
00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:21,488
Give it back! Give it back!
He'll kill us all!

96
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,245
(CHUCKLES)
He looks just like his dad.

97
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,647
Not you!

98
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:29,929
Oh, I'm not the father. I'm not a wise man.
I'm nothing!

99
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,964
This is the worst
Christmas ever!

100
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:37,481
Hmm? Maybe a little toot off the
old wineskin will cheer me up.

101
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:43,887
Uh!

102
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,564
My wine
turned into water!

103
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,762
Who could've performed
such a cruel miracle?

104
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:48,887
(CHUCKLES)

105
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,122
Why you little...
(THUNDER CRASHING)

106
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:52,441
Joseph, no!

107
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,324
He has to stay alive
till he's 33,

108
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,006
when he'll be renounced by
his friends and crucified!

109
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,964
Huh?
Sorry, kid.

110
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,245
(WAILING)

111
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:07,009
(SIGHS) Anytime anyone suffers in
the world, he starts crying again.

112
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,491
Can you do something?

113
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,689
Me? But I'm watching
the orange bowl.

114
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,287
Now!

115
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,646
(WAILING)

116
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,561
Oh!

117
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,131
(LAUGHING)

118
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,321
(BLEATING)
D'oh!

119
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,640
(LAUGHING)

120
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,731
Hmm, you like
physical comedy, eh?

121
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:30,926
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

122
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:35,171
Ah, wise man. eh?
Pick two.

123
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:37,767
(GROANING)

124
00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,280
(CHUCKLES)

125
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,811
Why I ought to...

126
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,609
Mmm, mmm, mmm...

127
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:43,881
Now hold still.

128
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,561
Gnah, gnah, gnah.

129
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,761
(CHUCKLES)

130
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,285
(YAWNS)

131
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:51,840
(COOING)

132
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,200
Ohh...

133
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,966
I think this non-traditional
household just might make it.

134
00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:00,645
Mmm...

135
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:04,203
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
we got a great family.

136
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,044
Now let's get some sleep.

137
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,884
Herod is coming
for the child!

138
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,327
Manger danger!
Manger danger!

139
00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,046
(ALL GRUNTING)

140
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,045
The kid you're looking
for is in there!

141
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,406
The other tenants
have been complaining

142
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,808
about the incessant swaddling,
all hours, day and night.

143
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:22,202
Gee, Chief, l feel pretty bad
trying to take out a baby.

144
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:23,441
Ah, don't worry, boys.

145
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,603
No one will ever speak
or write of this again.

146
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,888
What a boffo beginning
for my book!

147
00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:31,725
(ALL GRUNTING)

148
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,649
There they go!
I see his head-dealie!

149
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:38,131
Follow that glow!

150
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,440
(ALL SHOUTING)

151
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,246
(QUACKS)

152
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,049
They put his halo on a duck.

153
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,849
The oldest trick
in the book.

154
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:48,087
What the hell
are you doing?

155
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:49,571
Well, he does have a halo.

156
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,005
Hail, Quackie!

157
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,081
(QUACKS)
(TREMBLING)

158
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,001
That ought to
spruce things up.

159
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:02,241
(ALL SCREAMING)

160
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:03,606
(QUACKING)

161
00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:06,761
(BOTH GASP)

162
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,000
What a beautiful
Hanukkah bush!

163
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,646
I say we call it
a Christmas tree.

164
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:18,767
ALL: Aww!

165
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,605
A Christmas tree,
what a great name.

166
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,967
Makes you feel
all warm and fuzzy.

167
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,485
(GROANING)

168
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,442
And did you know
that little baby Jesus

169
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,730
grew up to be Jesus?

170
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,370
(ALL GASP)

171
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,201
I know! It's weird,
isn't it?

172
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,569
(CAROL PLAYING ON TV)

173
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:48,005
ANNOUNCER: <i>Coming up next,</i> The
Energizer Bunny Christmas Special.

174
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,923
<i>Oh, I don't know why
I'm so run down.</i>

175
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,446
<i>I must be low
on Christmas spirit.</i>

176
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,488
<i>It's because you're
using regular batteries.</i>

177
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,642
<i>You forgot about
Energizer Ultra.</i>

178
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,688
<i>Now let me crawl
inside you.</i>

179
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,684
(GASPS) <i>Cold! So cold!</i>

180
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:04,926
(CLATTER)

181
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,524
(GASPS) It's Santa!

182
00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:09,566
(GRUNTS) Ooh!

183
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:10,687
Grampa?

184
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,290
What are you doing
in the chimney?

185
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,727
Trying to kill Santa.
What's it to ya?

186
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,165
What do you have
against Santa?

187
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,847
He screwed me
over back in WWII.

188
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,526
I was a Navy pilot
in the Pacific.

189
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,490
Oh, Bart, Why'd you ask him
a follow-up question?

190
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,085
(WHISPERS)
lt just slipped out!

191
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,050
Yup. I was a Navy pilot
in the Pacific

192
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,441
along with
my big brother, Cyrus.

193
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,807
Cyrus? You never
mentioned him before.

194
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,121
And I'll never
mention him again.

195
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,601
But I loved him
all the same.

196
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,929
Okay, Abe,
let's win this war quick

197
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,010
so we can go home and slowly
give black folks more rights.

198
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,286
(SIREN BLARING)

199
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,531
Kamikazes at two o'clock!

200
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,523
Well, I don't usually
drink after lunch but...

201
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,601
Oh, my God!

202
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,291
The sky is full of that kind of
plane that crashes into the boat!

203
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,761
Cyrus, you be
careful up there.

204
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,969
No, I'm not worried. Not <i>as</i> long
as I have my good luck charm.

205
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,963
<i>(AMERICAN PATROL</i> PLAYING)

206
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,571
Good thing I stole two of
these off dead soldiers.

207
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,571
Lieutenant, radio my brother and
tell him to watch his tail.

208
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,722
Quiet, you.
I'm talking to my best gal.

209
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,723
I miss you, too, Bernadette.

210
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,805
You hang up first.
No, you hang up first.

211
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,890
No, you hang up first.

212
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,566
(LAUGHING) No.
You hang up first.

213
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:36,846
(GROANS)

214
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,364
Cyrus!

215
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:48,641
(WHIRRING)

216
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,089
You'll pay for that,
you haiku-spouting savages!

217
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,685
(ABE GRUNTING)

218
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,043
I wish I tried reefer!

219
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:13,447
Mmm.

220
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,284
(GRUNTS)

221
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,730
(STRAINED GRUNTING)

222
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:31,566
Mmm.

223
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,522
Quit lollygagging
and build a fire.

224
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,125
I don't have
to listen to you.

225
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,123
On this island,
military rank means nothing.

226
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,891
We're in a state of nature where the
strong of will control the weak.

227
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:42,681
(GURGLING)

228
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:43,807
(SPITS)

229
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,326
How dare you drown the king
of New Burns Island?

230
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:47,846
(GURGLING)

231
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,445
(SPITS)

232
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:53,491
How'd you like to be the
Archduke in charge of coconuts?

233
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,731
(GURGLING)

234
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,968
I give up. I give up.

235
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,885
ABE: <i>Days turned to weeks.
Weeks turned to months.</i>

236
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,008
<i>Months turned back to days.</i>

237
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,765
<i>Even Burns was starting
to look good to me.</i>

238
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,164
Hey, sailor.
My eyes are up here.

239
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,806
ABE: <i>By Christmas Eve, our
hopes of rescue were fading.</i>

240
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,207
You know, Simpson,
we've had our dust-ups.

241
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:26,123
So I've made you
a little peace offering.

242
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,642
ABE: A shaving kit?

243
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,846
Is this pomade?

244
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,362
Oh, it's nothing really. Just
seagull brains and snail goo.

245
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,444
Thanks, Lieutenant.
Merry Christmas.

246
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,642
Incoming!
Is it one of ours?

247
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,331
Who cares? lt's Christmas.
I want to shoot something.

248
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,091
(EXPLOSION)

249
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,291
What in the name of the
Tennessee Valley Authority?

250
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,449
Donder! Blitzen!

251
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,249
He's German!
That's good eatin'!

252
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,085
You useless waste of socks!
That ain't no Kraut!

253
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,123
We just shot down
Santie Claus!

254
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,649
Oh! Thank you, boys.

255
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,611
I guess I must've run
into a sudden storm.

256
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,081
Yes, yes.
Everything happens to you.

257
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,561
My sleigh!
It's ruined!

258
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:17,926
Well, we'll get you
up and running

259
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,923
or my name ain't
Young Grampa Simpson!

260
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,843
(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

261
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,365
Boys, I'm almost ready.

262
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,364
I'm just missing Prancer.
And Rudolph.

263
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,405
(HISSING)

264
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:54,883
And now to bring joy to boys
and girls around the world!

265
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,208
Ho-ho...
(GROANS) Ow!

266
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:58,601
Damn it!

267
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,603
Sorry, Chuckles.
Change of plan.

268
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,444
This sleigh is my ticket
off this hellhole.

269
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,966
And I'm keeping
all the toys for myself,

270
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,209
because at heart, I'm just a very
wicked child. (BELLS JINGLING)

271
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:09,521
(URGES REINDEER)

272
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,889
You backstabber!
And I let you spoon me!

273
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,528
Let's go, you flying hat rack!
(GRUNTS)

274
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,526
Hmm?

275
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,171
(WHIRRING)

276
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:45,966
Come on, baby.

277
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:53,926
(STRAINED GRUNTING)

278
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:55,765
(GROANING)
(SQUEAKING)

279
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,564
Somebody should've beat you
with a tricycle years ago!

280
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:04,840
(GRUNTS)

281
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,884
Thanks for
everything, Abe.

282
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,769
And now I'm off.

283
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:13,209
I'll be back in a few days
to take you ho-ho-home!

284
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,206
Well, that's the craziest
thing I'll ever see.

285
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,648
Gah! Except for that!

286
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,690
I waited and waited.
But Santa never came back.

287
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,326
If I hadn't invented a jet ski
made of coconuts,

288
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,084
I'd have never
gotten home.

289
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,049
And then when I did,
the war was over

290
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,361
and the nurses
were all kissed out.

291
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,530
That's quite a tale, Grampa.

292
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,125
(STAMMERING)
You little...

293
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,964
It's true, I tells ya!
(BELLS JINGLING)

294
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:41,607
(THUD)
It's Santa!

295
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,566
I got an old
score to settle!

296
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,488
Doggone it!
I missed him again!

297
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,210
<i>(AMERICAN PATROL</i> PLAYING)

298
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,721
My brother's lucky watch!

299
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,404
Santa must've left it!

300
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,689
Cyrus, I miss you every day.

301
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,489
SANTA CLAUS:
He misses you, too.

302
00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:07,766
(STUTTERING)

303
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,001
He... What... Who?

304
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,606
Your brother didn't
die in the war, Abe.

305
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:16,328
He crashed into Tahiti. And he
liked it so much, he never left.

306
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:19,483
And now, if you like,
I'll take you to him.

307
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,927
Will we be back for the
Tournament of Roses Parade?

308
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,081
Probably not.

309
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,241
Good. I hate that crap.

310
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:25,521
SANTA CLAUS:
Yeah. Me, too.

311
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,928
Santa, one thing's
still buggin' me.

312
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,446
Why didn't you ever
come back to pick me up?

313
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:36,923
I kept putting it off. And then
l was just too embarrassed.

314
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,124
Sorry I never called, Abe.

315
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,568
I was too busy
with my 15 native wives.

316
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,091
(WIVES GIGGLING)

317
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,606
Fifteen! Whoo!
That sounds like a lot of sex.

318
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,688
I said wives,
not girlfriends.

319
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,411
(WIVES GIGGLING)

320
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,528
WIVES:
No poko-miku for Cyrus!

321
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,121
(MUSIC PLAYING)

322
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,801
Oh, my God!
It's over. We're free!

323
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,207
It's not over!
It's just intermission!

324
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,521
I said we're free!

325
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,530
We're still doing Act Two!
I'll be in the audience.

326
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,683
Boo! This is terrible!

327
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,131
Ugh, I hope I never hear that
God-awful Nutcracker music again.

328
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,567
I don't know, Dad. This time
of year, everybody does it

329
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,608
because you don't have to
pay for the music rights.

330
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,170
Really?

331
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,608
<i>I've still gotta bake
my Christmas pie</i>

332
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,048
<i>We gotta get Dad
a lousy tie</i>

333
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,724
<i>Christmas crowds
is what I hate</i>

334
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,404
<i>No time left
to procrastinate</i>

335
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,005
<i>So move your ass
And let me pass</i>

336
00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,724
<i>Because Christmas
Eve is here!</i>

337
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:00,801
BOTH: Ow!

338
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,369
<i>Eh, why is this Santa suit
so snug?</i>

339
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,484
<i>Grr. Why should I care?
it's all humbug</i>

340
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,489
<i>We jacked my prices
up so high</i>

341
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,210
<i>But there's no junk
these saps won't buy</i>

342
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,964
<i>Last year's eggnog,
a green hot dog</i>

343
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,280
<i>Because Christmas Eve
is here</i>

344
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,329
<i>These holiday cookies
swell my fat</i>

345
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,881
(BABBLING)

346
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,041
<i>Cat</i>

347
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,565
<i>Even though
we're not Gentile</i>

348
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,244
<i>We'll get together
for a while</i>

349
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,845
<i>To shoot the breeze
And eat Chinese</i>

350
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,684
<i>Because Christmas
Eve is here! Oye!</i>

351
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,690
<i>Christmas is a family day</i>

352
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,330
<i>I told Grampa we'd be away</i>

353
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,925
<i>He's at the door
Let's hit the floor</i>

354
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,570
(WHISPERING) <i>Because
Christmas Eve is here</i>

355
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:57,166
Fine! I'll spend Christmas Eve
with the raccoons.

356
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:00,081
(GRUNTING)

357
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,720
(CHITTERING)

358
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,211
You got me a gift?

359
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,481
Rancid lard?
Aw, you shouldn't have.

360
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:12,043
Every year at this time, I show what's
probably my most-requested clip!

361
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,167
Roll it, Freddy.

362
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:18,245
(SINGING) <i>It's the most
wonderful time of the year</i>

363
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,924
(GROANING)

364
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,490
Ow! Ow! Oh...

365
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,811
<i>“Give the audience snowballs,“
they said.</i>

366
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,451
<i>"It'll be cute," they said.
Oh...</i>

367
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,968
(BOTH LAUGHING)

368
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,201
(CHUCKLES)

369
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:36,602
Okay. Time for my annual holiday
tradition, attempting to kill myself.

370
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:37,920
(SOBBING)

371
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,164
(GRUNTS)

372
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,211
MAN: Hey, watch it!

373
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,565
(HORN HONKS)

374
00:18:58,480 --> 00:18:59,720
(SIGHS)

375
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,245
What's it say?

376
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,564
Hey, Barn, as a special gift to
me this year, will you kill me?

377
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,086
But I already
got you a wool hat!

378
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,925
Maybe next year, huh?

379
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,442
Merry Christmas, Homie.

380
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,409
I think you're really
gonna like this.

381
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,010
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, that's great.

382
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,004
Now, I'll just get
my present for you.

383
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,482
Which is right
outside the door.

384
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,965
Oh, my God! I forgot to
get Marge a present!

385
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,251
(TIRES SCREECHING)

386
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,402
(SINGING) <i>I need a present for my
wife or I'll have no sex for life</i>

387
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,370
<i>Diamond ring, a vase by Ming some
kind of useful kitchen thing</i>

388
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:47,286
<i>I need a store I can break
into or a place run by a Hindu</i>

389
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:49,801
(BELL DINGS)

390
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,445
<i>The Christmas rush
has cleaned me out</i>

391
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,648
<i>I just have jerky
made of trout</i>

392
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,361
Uh!

393
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,686
I knew you'd forget.

394
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:35,288
So, my gift to you is a
gift for you to give me.

395
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,926
Oh, it's just what
I wanted!

396
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,162
Here, Marge.
This is for you.

397
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,206
Aw...

398
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:50,841
(MOANING)

399
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:58,571
(HORN HONKING)

400
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:06,811
MOE: Oh! Eighteen wheels
and they all missed me!
<b><font color="#0A7C32">Ripped By mstoll</font></b>