1 00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:06,005 (SINGING) The Simpsons 2 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:18,531 (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) 3 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,369 (HORN BELLOWING) 4 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,650 (PLAYING DIFFERENT TUNE) 5 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:47,766 (HONKING) 6 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:49,960 (TIRES SCREECHING) 7 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:52,801 D'oh! 8 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:53,881 (EXCLAIMING) 9 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:58,041 (TIRES SCREECHING) Ripped By mstoll 10 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,247 Oh, my God! Everything we own is in that house! 11 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,448 ANNOUNCER: How often have you driven by a fire and thought, 12 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:32,010 “How can this benefit me?“ 13 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:33,730 Well, think no more and drive on down 14 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,802 to the Smoke Damage Outlet Store! 15 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,042 Where there's smoke, there's bargains! 16 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,366 We've got fire-damaged furniture, 17 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:40,601 smoke-damaged smoke detectors, 18 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,729 action figure puddle, something we think was an air conditioner, 19 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,201 and boxes and boxes of “you-figure-it-out. " 20 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,566 Ooh... 21 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,962 ANNOUNCER; Come in today and meet Smokin' Joe Frazier! 22 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,362 I'm only here because my name had “Smoke" in it. 23 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:58,128 ANNOUNCER: Oh, come on. That has nothing to do with it, Smokin' Joe. 24 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:01,488 I can send people to your house. Bad people. 25 00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:02,601 (HUMMING) 26 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,643 Come on! We're going to that store 27 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,564 before the next commercial makes me do something else. 28 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:10,291 Buy the suit off my back, only $9.95. 29 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,164 Stop, drop, and save. 30 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:13,966 (CHUCKLES) 31 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:19,801 (MURMURS) 32 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,167 I've never noticed that sign before, 33 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:24,084 and I'm a very good noticer. 34 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,606 They must've just made this a toll road. 35 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,604 They can't charge me for something I use everyday. 36 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,967 What's next? A spatula tax? 37 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:33,644 Well, what choice do you have? 38 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:41,883 Voilà! Which is French for ta-da! 39 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,810 Boy, you sure showed them. 40 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,564 Hey, if she's not paying, I'm not paying. 41 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,563 And if you’re not paying, I'm not paying. 42 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:53,369 Of course you're not. We're in the same car. 43 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,727 Oh, I just wanted us to start talking again. 44 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,404 QUIMBY: No one is using the tollbooth. 45 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:01,806 (SNORING) 46 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:09,165 Damn it. We need those 75¢ to de-python the town fountain. 47 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,487 (HISSING) 48 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,005 (PEOPLE SCREAMING) 49 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:19,521 Get those cheapskates through that toll by any means necessary. 50 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,887 Got it. No survivors. 51 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:22,927 No shooting! 52 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,331 But it's already cocked. 53 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,448 All right, shoot it in the fireplace. 54 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,286 (CHUCKLING) 55 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:32,926 (CLANKING) 56 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:34,804 What the Hello Kitty? 57 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:36,565 Tire spikes? 58 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,689 Oh, they blocked my shortcut. 59 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:42,730 I'm trapped like the "L" in a BLT. 60 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:46,890 We've gone over the spikes, Tim! 61 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,962 We're gonna have to come up with 75¢! 62 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,481 Don't worry. This one's on Jesus. 63 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,081 Oh, be cool for once. 64 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:21,366 (BRAKES SCREECH) 65 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:27,562 Do it, Marge. Today 75¢, in five years, 80¢. 66 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:29,284 (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) 67 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:31,320 Assuming voter approval. 68 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,370 No! 69 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,206 (TIRES SCREECHING) 70 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:40,007 Oh, boy. 71 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,447 My tires have been severely damaged! 72 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,285 The prophecy has been fulfilled! 73 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,091 Seymour, get out and change the tires! 74 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,242 I don't have four spares, Mother. 75 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,971 You don't have four anything. 76 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,805 (SINGING) I fell into a burning ring of fire 77 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:02,522 I went down, down, down And the flames went higher 78 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,682 And it burns, burns, burns 79 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:09,883 The ring of fire The ring of fire 80 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,970 Kent Brockman here atop Mount Springfield, 81 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,850 where the melting icecap has revealed a discovery so gruesome 82 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:30,048 we'll give you a moment to get the children out of the room! 83 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,281 That's long enough. Here it is. 84 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:36,207 A frozen mailman somehow buried in ice several decades ago. 85 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:37,327 For further analysis, 86 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:39,522 here's the one scientist who's always home 87 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,250 when we call, Professor John Frink. 88 00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,886 Uh, based on the ice core samples 89 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,203 and the size of the mailman's bell bottoms, 90 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,521 measure that there, we have determined 91 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:53,286 he was frozen sometime in the 1960s. 92 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,727 Swinging for all except for me. 93 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,361 I was making napalm to drop on Da Nang! 94 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,204 The post office has promised to deliver 95 00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,965 every letter in this 40-year-old mailbag. 96 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,522 So get ready, Mr. Largo. (CHUCKLES) 97 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,364 You were accepted to Julliard. 98 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,363 Ah! I got into Julliard? 99 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,444 I could have been second chair with the Cincinnati Pops! 100 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,050 RALPH: I'm C3-D2! 101 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:17,531 Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! 102 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,045 Here you go, pally. 103 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,010 What's this? A letter from 1966? (LAUGHS) 104 00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:25,761 This says I ain't allergic to pollen. 105 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,525 So I could've gone to the park and played with other kids! 106 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,329 I gotta make up for lost time! 107 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,847 (SINGING) Sitting in a rocking chair eating baby crackers 108 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,287 Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, banana 109 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:41,649 A-B-C-D-E-F-G Wash those June bugs off of me 110 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:45,406 Yeah, I got a 40-year-old letter here for Mrs. Abraham Simpson. 111 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,687 My grandma? I haven't seen her in years. 112 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:48,801 She ran away. 113 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,247 Ran away from all this, huh? What a fool. 114 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,362 Hey, Grampa, we got a letter for Grandma. 115 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,161 Open it up. This may be my last chance to invade her privacy. 116 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:01,651 "My dearest Mona, 117 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:05,167 "you've just left my arms to return to your husband, Abe, 118 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,049 "and already I ache for you." 119 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,088 Mona cheated on me? 120 00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,889 I don't know how she found the time 121 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,008 with her late night pottery classes 122 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:16,363 and supermarket trips that took all weekend! 123 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:20,126 Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. 124 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,363 Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries? 125 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:24,851 (MURMURING) 126 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,160 Uh-oh. 127 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:30,205 "I know I'm just a lifeguard but I want you to run away with me. 128 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,044 "If you don't reply to this letter, 129 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,851 "I'll know that you've chosen to stay with Abe. 130 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:38,129 "But I know in my heart that the baby you're carrying is mine." 131 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,606 (ALL GASP) 132 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,648 "Love always, M." 133 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,290 That's ridiculous! 134 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,084 That was my baby in her belly! 135 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,128 Look how happy we were. 136 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,645 What the... 137 00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:51,361 (GROANS) 138 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:57,443 Homer, that means your dad might not be your dad. 139 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,284 I don't care what that letter said. 140 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,806 This man raised me single-handedly. 141 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,531 When I think of all the things he's done for me... 142 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,250 The many times he... 143 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,245 Lifeguard, huh? Mmm... 144 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,527 So this guy might be my real father. 145 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,927 And his name starts with 146 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,685 Moleman? Mister Burns? 147 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,206 (GASPS) M. Night Shyamalan? 148 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:26,841 That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! 149 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,843 Of course I'm your father! 150 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,685 Here. Mush up your face and you look just like me. 151 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:33,526 See? 152 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,285 Yeah, but that also works with the dog's butt. 153 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,649 Oh, hello, handsome! 154 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,324 Well, this whole fatherhood issue 155 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,971 could be resolved with a simple DNA test. 156 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,530 Aw, nertz to that! 157 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:48,524 Homer, l fed you and clothed you until you were 13! 158 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,080 If that's not a father, I don't know what is! 159 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,049 I'll be waiting for your apology 160 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:56,408 on the "old man bench" at the mall! 161 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,011 I sit by the trash so people have to come up to me. 162 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,044 Finished your soda, eh? 163 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,805 Oh, your hair's looking sharp from the back. 164 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:14,244 Homie, what's wrong? Did those pork chops give you a tummy ache? 165 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,527 The only tummy ache is in my head. 166 00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,888 I can't stop wondering who my real father might be. 167 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:23,806 (SINGING) If you're lost, you can look And you will find me 168 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,689 Time after time 169 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,688 If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting 170 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,083 Time after time 171 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,247 If you're lost, you can look And you will find me 172 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,721 Time after time 173 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,242 (GASPS) There's only one lifeguard whose name begins with 174 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,129 Mason Faibanks. 175 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,441 His hobbies are philandering, writing letters, 176 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,569 and making up for lost time. 177 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,523 "Okay, until you're sure this guy's cool, stick to your cover story." 178 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,524 "Oh, that sounds hard." "Just do it!" 179 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,041 Can I help you? 180 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:11,084 Uh, yes, I'm a reporter with a local paper. 181 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:15,131 I'm doing a story on people who wear sweaters. 182 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,089 Do you mind if I ask you some questions? 183 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,241 I'd be delighted. 184 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:21,449 But I must warn you I don't wear a sweater every day. 185 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,921 Interesting. Interesting. 186 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,325 (CLOCK TICKING) 187 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,922 So I infer from all the knickknacks 188 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,002 you're some sort of fruitcake? 189 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:37,130 (CHUCKLES) No. Actually, I salvage valuables from sunken ships. 190 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,924 Some call me a treasure hunter. 191 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,843 Oh, that is so cool! 192 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,446 Ooh, a dish of shrunken heads! 193 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:44,806 Those are raisins. 194 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,289 So you don't have any shrunken heads? 195 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,806 Well, my hat size is a number six. 196 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,166 (SCREAMS) 197 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,167 That is small, right? 198 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,004 It's smaller than average. 199 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,206 (SCREAMING) 200 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,365 And this is the lady in my life. 201 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,806 Uh... 202 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,041 You know it's a boat, right? 203 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,167 Indeed I do. 204 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:09,007 I loved a real woman a long time ago but, uh, it didn't work out. 205 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,607 (GASPS) Well, uh, I'm sure my listeners would love 206 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:14,489 to know the story behind that name. 207 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,325 Listeners? I thought you worked for a newspaper. 208 00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,643 No. Uh, I said I worked for a radio station. 209 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,610 980 on the AM dial, but number one with our viewers. 210 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,923 Viewers? Wouldn't that be for a TV station? 211 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:31,489 Ah, well, l... I think you're my pappy! 212 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,210 What? 213 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:37,205 I found this letter you wrote to my mom, Mona Simpson. 214 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,966 Dear God! I always dreamed this day would come. 215 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,884 And now that it's here, there are so many feelings, 216 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,246 I... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 217 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,561 Oh, possible Daddy! 218 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,450 Mwah! 219 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,531 I'm sorry. I got a little carried away there. 220 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,284 Perfectly all right. 221 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:56,482 Here's your gum back. 222 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,171 ANNOUNCER: Springfield Public Access Television presents... 223 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,886 The Bully Corner, with Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney. 224 00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,803 Good evening, dumbasses. 225 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:09,204 Tonight, our guest is Oscar nominee William H. Macy. 226 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:10,327 Welcome. 227 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,811 Thanks for having me on, guys. 228 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:15,089 You know, these public access shows remind me of independent film. 229 00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,731 Special people, not special effects. 230 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,241 Big hearts, not big budgets. 231 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:21,287 Very well put! 232 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,850 Now get him! (ALL GRUNT) 233 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,081 Hey! 234 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,243 So tell us, what's next for William H. Macy? 235 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,607 Besides bleeding. (GRUNTS) 236 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,210 WILLIAM: You know Neve Campbell? 237 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:33,441 (ALL GRUNTING) 238 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,450 Marge, I found my real father! 239 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:40,045 His name is Mason Fairbanks! 240 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,488 He has a knife just for cheese, and he talks like this. 241 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,769 (BRITISH ACCENT) "Homer, please do that in the loo." 242 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,083 Oh, Homie, you just met this British man. 243 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:54,051 It's too soon to get so emotionally invested. 244 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:55,605 Hmm, honey, 245 00:12:55,680 --> 00:12:58,160 you've given me a lot to think about tomorrow, 246 00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,844 when we're on daddy's boat! 247 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,445 (FOG HORN BLOWS) 248 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,763 Mr. Fairbanks, looking at your boat, 249 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:07,003 I gotta say Grandma bet on the wrong horse. 250 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:12,564 Now, Bart, over the years, I've come to learn that the most valuable treasure 251 00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,768 is right here 252 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:16,444 on this map. 253 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:21,480 These waters are home to a treasure lost hundreds of years ago. 254 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:24,689 The famed emeralds of Piso Mojado. 255 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,491 You know, if I was born three months later, 256 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,608 emerald would be my birthstone. 257 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,809 Yes. Fate has a strange sense of humor. 258 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,327 The emeralds were nestled in the bosom of a Spanish galleon 259 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,289 returning home from the Caribbean. 260 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,691 (THUNDER CRASHING) 261 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,401 We must pray to Santa Maria to save us. 262 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,363 (PRAYING IN SPANISH) 263 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,364 (THUNDER CRASHING) 264 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,569 One of you was not praying! 265 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,564 It was me! I was thinking of a joke I heard! 266 00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,051 Why you little... 267 00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,201 (CHOKING) 268 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:09,286 And now that treasure is somewhere down there. 269 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,249 Wow. That story had everything. 270 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,881 Action, treasure, water, a guy... 271 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,610 Would you like to come to our house for dinner? 272 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:17,727 I'd be delighted. 273 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:21,964 I've dined with the Prince of Wales and with killer whales. 274 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:25,203 But only the latter knew how to chew without humming. 275 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:26,566 (ALL CHUCKLING) 276 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,883 (ALL GASP) Mmm... 277 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:47,367 Listen, old timer, I'd like you to meet Mason Fairbanks. 278 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:53,371 You! First you stole my wife and now you're trying to steal my family! 279 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,442 Perhaps I couldn't have stolen anyone 280 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,683 had you given them, uh, what they needed. 281 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:01,923 I was busy telling young people to get a haircut! 282 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,445 Mason, come see my room! 283 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:06,410 Homer, look what this is doing to Grampa. 284 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:10,929 We have to settle this question once and for all with a paternity test. 285 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,490 I'll take any test you want. 286 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:15,848 Eye test, pap test, memory test, memory test, 287 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,366 Vinny Testaverde, Ferrari Testarossa. 288 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,930 Grampa, stop. Never! 289 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,604 President's Physical Fitness Test, 290 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,524 Sealtest ice cream, Testors airplane glue. 291 00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:26,485 HOMER: Ahh... 292 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,688 Now, Homer, I'll compare your sample 293 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,969 to the ones from Grampa and Mister Fairbanks. 294 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:33,166 And then, bingo! 295 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,891 Who's your daddy will become abundantly clear. 296 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:39,123 I've prepared a T-shirt for you that covers either eventuality. 297 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,849 (LAUGHING) 298 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,045 I have the results. 299 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,121 Oh, God. 300 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:50,170 Whatever happens, Abe, I hope we can be civil. 301 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,605 Aw, poop in your fist! 302 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,802 At least I can make both. 303 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:54,881 Oh... 304 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,566 Homer's biological father 305 00:15:58,480 --> 00:15:59,845 is Mason Fairbanks! 306 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,046 (ALL GASP) 307 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,130 Who's Mason Fairbanks? This guy. 308 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,201 Whoo-hoo! 309 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,045 See, Abe? We're still visiting you 310 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:19,449 even though we have no biological obligation. 311 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,887 You've said that three times already. 312 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,968 Well, then you think of something. 313 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,641 I guess Homer couldn't make it, huh? 314 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:33,731 No. But he told us to say "hi." 315 00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,241 Hi. 316 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,730 So what setting is that fan on? 317 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:43,731 Medium. Hmm. 318 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,410 I would've guessed low. 319 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,684 You would've guessed wrong. 320 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:57,001 Today I'm filled with joy. 321 00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:00,522 Searching for treasure with my long lost son. 322 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,447 My dream for each of you is that you find the happiness I feel today. 323 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,370 And my dream is to someday wear a real wetsuit 324 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,488 instead of one that is just painted on. 325 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:11,721 Missed a spot. 326 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:14,127 There we go. 327 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:24,482 These waters contain some of Mother Nature's most stunning creatures. 328 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:33,331 (LAUGHS) That's what you get for being luminous, jerks. 329 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:34,925 Homer, look! 330 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,447 The treasure of Piso Mojado! 331 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:46,441 (STATIC CRACKLES) 332 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,124 Hey, guys. We found the treasure. 333 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:51,124 When I get to shore, I'm bringing it right to the bar. 334 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:54,170 We'll see you soon, Homer. We got somebody else coming in. 335 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,926 SEYMOUR: This is W-A-3-Q-I-Z. Do you read me? 336 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,527 AGNES: Seymour, isn't it about time you made a real friend? 337 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,644 Mother, please. I'm communicating with my fellow hams. 338 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:06,245 AGNES: How do I talk? Push this button here? (STATIC) 339 00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:08,368 You're all losers! 340 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,443 Oh, which way did Mason go? 341 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,522 That must be him over there. 342 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,641 D'oh! 343 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:25,404 What do I do? What do I do? 344 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:28,045 (BUZZING) (SCREAMS) 345 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,204 (BUZZING) (SCREAMS) 346 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,166 (DINGS) (SIGHS) 347 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:33,961 (BUZZING) 348 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,326 (SCREAMS) 349 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:38,800 (GROANS) 350 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,720 Daddy... Daddy... 351 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:44,249 Daddy... Daddy... 352 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:45,840 (ABE CHUCKLES) 353 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,922 Grab Daddy's keys. 354 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,490 (GIGGLES) 355 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,607 (CHUCKLES) 356 00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,205 Grab Daddy's keys. 357 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:53,885 (GIGGLES) 358 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,730 I love that little guy. (ENGINE STARTS) 359 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,040 What the heck... 360 00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,011 (TIRES SCREECHING) 361 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,482 HOMER: I drew this picture of you. 362 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,489 Aw, it's beautiful. 363 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:12,005 Homer, on your wedding day, I want you to have this. 364 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,323 It may not be much. But it's all I've got. 365 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,845 That is so sweet. 366 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,121 (SHRIEKING) 367 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:22,162 I gave you everything and it still wasn't enough. 368 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,448 (MUMBLES) Daddy... Dad... 369 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:27,965 (GROANING) 370 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,084 (MUMBLING) 371 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,407 Dad, you've been in a coma for three days. 372 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,767 They had to feed you through a tube. 373 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,723 Oh, Homie, I always believed you were gonna make it 374 00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,849 no matter what that pushy casket salesman said. 375 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,241 Well, Homer, now that you're alive again, 376 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,527 I'll leave you with your real family. 377 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,365 Wait. Can we have a moment in private? 378 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:56,771 Of course. 379 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,928 As I lay dying on the ocean floor, 380 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,367 I remembered everything you've done for me. 381 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,363 To hell with that stupid DNA test 382 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:08,411 and its 99.99997% accuracy. 383 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,608 You're my dad and I love you. 384 00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,569 I love you, too, Homer. 385 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:13,801 BOTH: Oh... 386 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,531 And now there's something I've gotta tell you. 387 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,443 I really am your father. 388 00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,170 (GROANING) 389 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:21,927 But how? 390 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:27,046 ABE: After seeing how happy you were with Horatio-Homewrecker, 391 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:28,525 I made a decision. 392 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,444 I switched the names on the DNA samples. 393 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,244 Then I put my name first on the fist for a new heart. 394 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:36,651 (LAUGHING) 395 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,567 My old one's fine but you never know. 396 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,211 Only a true father would lead his son to believe 397 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,760 he belonged to someone else. 398 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:47,401 Aw, Dad! 399 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:48,811 Oh, Homer. 400 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,042 Now why don't you stay for dinner? 401 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:54,090 It would be my pleasure, son. 402 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,571 Send up two hams. 403 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,291 Hey, this one's cold. 404 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,521 (GRUNTS) 405 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,607 Listen, l wanted to ask you if you could do something 406 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:14,682 my former father never did for me. 407 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,000 Anything, son. 408 00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,283 Teach me that the stove is hot. Very well. 409 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:24,521 (HOMER SCREAMS) 410 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,489 MASON: No, Homer. Mustn't touch. 411 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,166 (HOMER SCREAMS) MASON: I said no, Homer. 412 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:30,287 (HOMER SCREAMS) 413 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,203 MASON: All right, nap time! 414 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:38,124 HOMER; (WHINING) But I'm not tired. Ripped By mstoll