(SINGING) The Simpsons Ripped by jasonnguyen2606
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
D'oh!
(EXCLAIMING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
BART: Checking out a cave is gonna be awesome!
It'll be dark, with rocks and mineral formations,
and plants that have adapted to harsh...
Wait a minute. This is a scam.
We're on a nature walk! (GRUNTING)
Don't worry, Bart. I brought something that'll keep you interested.
A nickel in a water bottle.
Wow. Wow. Wow!
(LAUGHING)
Oh, he'll sleep tonight.
Where'd it go? Where'd it go?
Oh, it's in the cap. (LAUGHING)
MARGE: "Local Anahoopi Indians
"believed this stalactite was the finger of Tsisnajini,
"their God of pointing down."
(SCOFFING) Silly Indians. Our God made their God.
It's so impressive.
I'm just gonna get a tiny chip to put on my desk at work.
(FAINT RUMBLING) (ALL GASPING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Save me, Tsisnajini!
(ALL GRUNTING)
(STRAINING)
I'm stuck! And I have to pee!
Now I'm just stuck.
(ALL STRUGGLING)
Don't worry, Homer.
We'll get that fireman who cut you out of that teacup ride.
That was two firemen, a crane, and Snow White.
Why you little... (STRUGGLING) (LAUGHING)
Oh, no! This chamber's not on the map.
We could be stuck in here forever if we don't find a way out.
Well, we better start looking.
Don't leave me! I hate to be alone!
Except when I'm watching TV. Then leave me alone.
But right now, don't leave!
I'll stay with you, Dad.
Will you tell me a story? Sure.
Once upon a time in a far off kingdom...
No unicorns.
Oh, all right.
Um, I'll tell you something that happened to me last week.
I was walking home from school
when suddenly I heard...
(BLEATING)
Oh, hello, Mister Bighorn Sheep.
(SNORTING)
I've read about you.
You're shy and you rarely approach humans.
(SNORTING LOUDLY)
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
And of course, you'd never attack a fellow herbivore!
Mad beast!
Liberal midget!
(YELPING)
(EXHALING)
(SCREAMING)
Good Lord, a wooly bully.
(BOTH YELLING)
LISA: Come on!
(BOTH PANTING) (SQUEALING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Enter password.
Damn it, I forget.
Forgot password? Enter place of birth.
Pangaea...
Correct Your password has been e-mailed to you.
D'oh! (GASPING)
Whoa! (BOTH PANTING)
(BLEATING)
(BOTH YELPING)
So long, sucker. Oof. (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
I mean, don't leave an old man to die.
So long, sucker! (SCREAMING)
(PANTING)
(STRUGGLING)
Maybe Mr. Smithers will help us.
No. He's out getting a spray-on tan.
He comes back orange and stains the furniture.
The man's a walking creamsicle.
Hmm...
You worked at Moe's?
Yes, and therein lies a tale of woe and heartbreak.
One I couldn't possibly recount.
I understand. I'll just read a magazine.
Okay, here's the story.
I belong to a very exclusive club.
The Excluders' Club. Hmm.
MR. BURNS: One day, while I was savoring the exclusivity...
HOMER: Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Now you're telling me Burns' story?
Yeah, it's like the play within a play in Hamlet.
Huh? Let's see.
It's like when you watch old home movies of you watching TV.
Gotcha.
MR. BURNS: One day, a new member arrived at the club.
Yee-haw!
Who's this dried-up old apricot?
(GRUNTING)
I'm in oil. What's your racket, Slim?
Nuclear power!
I make money using my brain,
not sticking a pole in the ground and praying for goo.
(LAUGHING)
You need to get your hands dirty, Poindexter!
Dip 'em in a little Texas crude!
(LAUGHING) Down in Houston, we call that a Fort Worth shampoo!
Sir, I challenge you to a duel!
You got it.
A bullet in the brain at high noon.
(GASPING)
At my age, that could kill me.
How about we settle things with a scavenger hunt?
You're on, Twiggy! (GASPING)
Sorry about that. (SQUISHING)
Gentlemen, you will each be given an identical list of 10 items.
The first person to collect all items on said list is the winner.
And shall receive all of his opponent's worldly possessions.
Yee-haw!
I'm gonna win me a nucular plant!
Dream on, bitch.
Scavengers, scavenge!
Whoa! Hmm?
(SHRIEKING) I'm bald!
MR. BURNS: I had but one item left on the list.
A picture of myself with a smiling child.
(GIGGLING) What could be easier?
(ALL SCREAMING)
It's the boogeyman's grandfather!
He's gonna drink our bones!
Smile. Like this.
(STRAINING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Yee-haw!
I won! Everything yours is mine!
(SIGHING)
Hi-yo, Smithers, away!
(GRUNTING)
MR BURNS: With nowhere else to turn,
I spent the first three days with relatives.
(OWLS HOOTING)
I had to get a job. And I had to start at the bottom.
But to get to the bottom,
I had to work my way up from Moe's.
Hey, bar boy.
This table's wobbly. Come jam your foot under it.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Hey, bar boy, write a play where I meet Henry Ford and Captain Kirk.
Hey, bar boy, dance around like an idiot.
Like this.
"I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid."
I'm a little busy. Can I do it later?
Sure. (LAUGHING)
You're gonna be all,
"I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid..."
(ALL LAUGHING)
Burns sure will look like a jerk later.
MR. BURNS: At $5.15 an hour,
it would take an eternity to make my fortune back.
And FICA wasn't helping.
D'oh!
But then, for once in my life, things went my way.
I steamed the letter open with Moe's cappuccino machine.
MOE: if you're reading this, I am dead.
And you are about to learn the stow of my treasure.
Treasure?
Moe has a cappuccino machine?
(MARGE SIGHING)
We couldn't find a way out.
But on the upside,
I found some cave paintings and made them awesome.
(LAUGHING)
Boy, come here and listen to Lisa's story.
It's about Moe's treasure.
Mmm... Oh...
Soto continue...
...with the sad story...
MOE: ...of Moe's treasure.
It was the first day of summer.
(WHISTLING)
I was heading to the restaurant supply store
to buy some urinal cake mix
when I was suddenly sideswiped.
By love.
(BRAKES SCREECHING) D'oh!
(GROANING)
There she was, the gorgeous new girl in town, Edna Krabappel.
Oh, you poor man.
MOE: She had gossamer hair, limpid eyes, and the rack of an angel.
I see you're new to town. Maybe I could, uh, show you around.
I know a terrific tavern.
Ha! My ex-husband was a drunk.
I hate bars, saloons, nightclubs,
and most of all, taverns.
Oh, yeah, me, too. That's why I'm not a tavern keeper.
What do you do for a living?
Me? Well, I, uh... For a living, well...
There's, uh, all kinds of things a fella can do,
such as hemming, and, uh, hawing and...
But me, I'm a highly-respected, um, therapist for alcoholics.
Oh...
MOE: I knew that in order to win her love,
I needed to get rid of the human garbage
otherwise known as my best friends.
(GRUNTING) BARNEY: on!
(GRUNTING) CARL: Come on!
(GRUNTING)
Barney, how do you keep getting back in?
I'm a drunk. I don't know nothing about how I do anything.
Whoa!
(FRANK SINATRA SINGING) Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
MOE: For one sweet summer, I was a true gentleman,
as a result of which, Krabappel was letting me do her.
So, Mrs. Krabappel, you got any plans?
In the fall, I'll be teaching fourth grade at Springfield Elementary.
Oh, that's great. Wonderful bunch of kids.
Lab partners don't treat lab partners like this!
Shut up and attract lightning!
Edna, you've made me feel love where before there was only pain.
Come here, you.
Oh, jeez.
Hey, Moe, thanks to you, I've been sober a week.
Yeah, me, too. Yeah, we're all sober.
Uh, these are some of the local alcoholics I told you about.
Don't pigeonhole us.
We have other vices.
I dress up like a baby.
Ah, come on, guys, let me give you some counseling over here.
(GRUNTING) Listen, booze bags, I got a good thing going here.
If you mess it up, I will out the one of you that is gay.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
So, uh, where were we?
I had to get Edna out of Springfield,
make a fresh start in a new town far away.
A place where we could play bridge with our neighbors.
And if they're interested in wife swapping, who am I to say no?
I mean, I'm just the new guy.
But where would I get the money to start a new life?
And then opportunity strolled right in the door.
Yes, hello. I need directions to the Springfield Natural History Museum.
I totally have a donation for them.
Coins, money, gold!
See, this was back before Snake became a notorious jailbird,
when he was an idealistic, law-abiding young archeologist.
I was, like, excavating this Mayan pyramid
and I totally unearthed these gold coins.
And I'm all like, "Could you be anymore pre-Columbian?"
Uh, you can't donate that gold to the museum today
because, um, it's closed
so they can clean under the wangs of the statues.
Oh. Well, no problem.
I'll just spend the night in that motel across the street there.
MOE: Love had handed me an awful dilemma.
Should I rob this guy, or rob him and kill him?
I decided to do the right thing.
I've been robbed!
I'll take my revenge on society,
by which I mean convenience stores.
And who would suspect me, Professor Jailbird?
MOE: Before we left town for good, we had to make one stop
so she could tell the school she wouldn't be teaching there.
Back in a flash, my sweet little gargoyle.
(LAUGHING)
Aww.
MOE: I was the happiest guy in the world.
But fate likes to play a little game called "Up yours, Moe."
Moe, we need to talk.
About what? How nothing changed when you were in there?
Not exactly. You see, when I went inside...
(GASPING) Young man, it's summertime.
What are you doing here?
I've got detention all summer.
Why?
Because I'm a screw-up.
My sister's the smart one. All I do is get in trouble.
Aw, sweetheart, do you want to do better?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Everyone's pretty much given up on me.
I bet I won't even make it through fourth grade.
(MOE HUMMING)
You'll make it through fourth grade.
Because I'm gonna stay here and be your teacher.
MARGE: Wait, wait, wait. There's one thing I don't understand here.
You never had detention all summer.
Oh, that load of crap? (LAUGHING)
No, I was just keeping her busy
while Nelson stole microscopes.
Make with the story.
Well, my best recollection of
Burns' paraphrasing of what he read in Moe's letter
is that Krabappel told Moe...
I have to stay here in Springfield
because boys like Bart Simpson need me.
Sweet, misunderstood boys who just need someone to recognize
the basic goodness that's trapped inside them
and is desperately trying to get out.
MOE: There was nothing I could do.
Well, except go nuts.
You crazy skirt! Nobody backs out on fake-good Moe!
I ought to...
(TALKING GIBBERISH)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(FRANK SINATRA SINGING) In other words
I love...
(SOBBING)
MOE: If I couldn't spend the treasure on Edna, I didn't want to spend it.
I just sat there playing our song on the jukebox,
one gold...
"...coin at a time."
Oh, you poor man.
You're about to get a lot poorer.
(GRUNTING)
Okay, I'll take your gold
and give you back all your worldly possessions,
excepting your nucular plant.
You don't get that back
till you bring me a photo of yourself with a smiling child.
(SCOFFING) What the hell could that mean to you?
I'm obsessive compulsive! Yee-haw!
One, two, three, four. Yee-haw!
One, two, three, four.
No nucular plant without a photo. One, two, three, four.
That's where we left off. One, two, three, four.
So, without my beloved nuclear plant,
I have nothing to live for.
(ROARING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Hmm. (SHIVERING)
Take me, a barren, old thistle,
and spare this sweet, young flower.
(BLEATING)
(GASPING)
My pearl necklace.
I must've lost it and you were just bringing it back to me?
(EXASPERATED BLEATING)
How did you find this?
(RAMBLING BLEATING)
(SHOCKED BLEATING)
MR. BURNS: Ooh.
The sheep was no danger at all.
I sacflficed my gorgeous body for nothing.
This must be what it's like to have a baby.
I want a photo of the hero who risked his life to save me.
(GASPING)
A picture of me with a smiling child.
I can get my plant back!
(GIGGLING)
100 Industrial Way!
Mr. Burns got his plant back,
and I like to think I found a shred of humanity in his withered soul.
(SNIFFLING) Oh, Dad. Did my story make you cry'?
(SOBBING) Well, it was very moving.
But the thing is, bats are chewing my legs!
(SCREAMING)
(BATS SCREECHING)
Oh, why did I lead you down here to find those stupid coins?
(ALL ARGUING AT ONCE) MARGE: This wasn't just an innocent family outing?
Homer, you brought us to this horrible place on purpose?
Oh, you didn't think it was so horrible
when you were falling down the hole.
That was the most horrible part of all!
Well, I guess I should explain.
Not long ago, it was my day to take care of the baby.
So I was out in the forest hiding.
(SNORING)
RICH TEXAN: (SINGING) Oh, the yellow gold of Texas is what I wanna save
I will not pay no taxes if I hide it in a cave
HOMER: I deduced from his parody lyrics
that he was hiding gold in the cave.
I figured he'd never miss two or three pieces,
money which we could use to pay for Bart's operation.
I need an operation?
That's a story for another day.
I realized I could never find the gold without your help.
So I made it this week's family outing.
(GUN COCKING) I'll take that gold if'n you please.
How can you take it? We haven't found it.
It's right there behind that rock.
No, to your left.
Texas left, which is your down.
Oh...
I'll take that gold if'n you please. (GUN COCKING)
MR. BURNS: Not so fast, Shady Bird Johnson.
I'll take that gold.
MOE: Yeah, you'll take it.
And then you'll give it to me if you know what's good for you.
(GUNS COCKING) You guys have guns?
Well, so do I!
(IMITATING GUN COCKING) Huh? Huh?
SNAKE: Yo!
Coolest entrance gets the gold.
Um, is it okay that I brought my son?
This is my day with him.
Jeremy, there's a boy over there you can play with.
Do you like Xbox?
RICH TEXAN: Looks like we got us a Mexican stand-off.
(GUN COCKING)
(GRUNTING) If you all don't drop your guns and behave, no one gets the gold!
And why do you really want it anyway?
Moe, will the gold bring back Edna's love?
It could, definitely.
Mr. Burns, isn't it more important
that you got a child to smile at you?
Honestly, no. I'd rather have the gold.
Oh, absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
I can see there's only one way to turn you into human beings again.
(GRUNTING)
(ALL GASPING)
Lady, I ought to fill you full of...
...gratitude! (LAUGHING)
That gold was turning us into monsters.
Well, I know a place where we can atone for our misdeeds.
They're building a youth center in Shelbyville and totally need volunteers.
Let's go there now.
Yes, let's.
I'll, uh... I'll catch up with you.
(STRUGGLING)
And that's why I didn't have time
to study for my geography test.
Bart, do you expect me to believe that?
That story is the biggest load of...
Krabappel? Making out with Moe?
But I thought you didn't want to date a tavern owner.
At this point, all I want is a man with a healthy libido.
Uh-huh. Well, this is where it gets awkward again.
Yee-haw!
Moe can't catch a break! One, two, three, four.
Can't catch a break. One, two, three, four.
RICH TEXAN: And there's some producers.
One... two, three, four.
Four producers. Ripped by jasonnguyen2606