1
00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:05,255
(thunder rumbling)

2
00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:07,382
(wind howling)

3
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,268
MAN (gasps):
Whoa!

4
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,811
(grunting)

5
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:22,355
(groaning)

6
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,488
(squeaking)

7
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,953
Hello, boils and ghouls.

8
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,039
I am the <i>Crypt Keeper,</i>

9
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:42,709
or should I say
master of scare-i-monies?

10
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,419
(laughs)

11
00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:45,754
(laughing)

12
00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:46,880
Priceless, sir.

13
00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:49,340
You made the word
"ceremonies" frightening.

14
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:50,800
I know what I did.

15
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:51,968
(scoffs)

16
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,928
MOE:
Hey, can we get going here?

17
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,306
Listening to you two is
more torture than the torture.

18
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,436
(grunts)

19
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:03,271
Actually, no, this is worse.

20
00:01:03,354 --> 00:01:06,191
Although the right nipple spike
seems a little dull.

21
00:01:06,274 --> 00:01:07,567
(grunts)

22
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,152
Oh, yeah.

23
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:11,154
Oh, that’s barbaric.

24
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:14,657
Whoa, look at that!

25
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:15,909
My blood’s a genius.

26
00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:18,620
Fancy Roman numerals
and everything.

27
00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:37,514
Look!

28
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:38,807
A shooting star!

29
00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:40,141
Hey, that’s great.

30
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,310
Let’s look at it after.

31
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,105
Whoa!

32
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:48,858
{\an8}That almost tore
my head off.

33
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,444
{\an8}Oh, you always find an excuse
not to make out.

34
00:01:55,865 --> 00:01:58,743
{\an8}Whoo! A space marshmallow.

35
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,495
{\an8}Where do you think
you’re going?

36
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,416
{\an8}Dad, no!

37
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:08,461
{\an8}It could teach us the secret
of interstellar travel.

38
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:11,756
{\an8}If he’s so smart, how come
he can’t stay out of my mouth?

39
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,675
{\an8}(grunting)

40
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,140
{\an8}How could you
eat that goo?

41
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:22,517
{\an8}You don’t know
what galaxy it’s from.

42
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,894
{\an8}Marge, I ate it. It’s over.

43
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,604
{\an8}Whoa. Oh, no, you don’t.

44
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:28,565
{\an8}(snorting)

45
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:35,697
{\an8}(snorting)

46
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,366
{\an8}If I can keep down Arby’s,
I can keep down you.

47
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:41,161
{\an8}(hooting)

48
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,414
(stomach rumbling)

49
00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:51,004
{\an8}(zombie-like):
Must eat, then poop,

50
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:53,006
{\an8}then eat some more,

51
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:55,675
{\an8}then eat while pooping.

52
00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:57,343
(wind whirring)

53
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:02,056
{\an8}(panting, grunting)

54
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,391
{\an8}Still hungry.

55
00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:04,517
{\an8}BART:
Dad?

56
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:08,813
{\an8}Son, let me have
a lick at you.

57
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:10,773
{\an8}(both grunting)

58
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:13,610
Homer!

59
00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:15,195
You won’t eat
my stuffed peppers,

60
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:16,946
but you’ll eat our son?

61
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,948
Nag, nag, nag.

62
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,450
(gasping for air)

63
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,286
(yowling)

64
00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:24,579
Is that the cat?

65
00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:26,873
Uh, no, just gas.

66
00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:28,791
(grunting)

67
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:29,709
(meowing weakly)

68
00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:33,213
{\an8}Food. Ooh. Food.

69
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,797
(grunts)
Ooh!

70
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,175
(gasps)
Ooh!

71
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,593
{\an8}Ooh, teenagers.

72
00:03:38,676 --> 00:03:41,012
{\an8}Mmm. Oh...

73
00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:43,097
{\an8}No, today’s teens
have enough problems

74
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:44,182
{\an8}without me eating them.

75
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,184
{\an8}Barbeque sauce fight!

76
00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:48,269
(all squealing)

77
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,812
Oh, I gotcha!

78
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:52,232
{\an8}(screaming)

79
00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:54,234
{\an8}The flames are sealing
in my juices.

80
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:56,444
I’ll savor you.

81
00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:58,529
(gasping)

82
00:03:58,613 --> 00:03:59,822
(all screaming)

83
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,158
{\an8}Mmm. Extra-virgin.

84
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,160
{\an8}(gurgling)

85
00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:06,537
{\an8}(screaming)

86
00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:10,208
{\an8}Tell my friends I died
kissing a girl!

87
00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,584
{\an8}No.

88
00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:14,128
(gasps)

89
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:17,257
Ooh. Beer-battered Germans.

90
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,633
(overlapping chatter)

91
00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:21,970
(crowd gasping)

92
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:29,060
{\an8}What did we Germans ever do
to deserve this?

93
00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:31,479
{\an8}Oh, right.

94
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:34,315
Must eat more fat people.

95
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,025
Thank God I’m in America.

96
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,402
(to the tune of
"Baby Got Back"):
<i>♪ I like big guts ♪</i>

97
00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:38,778
<i>♪ And I cannot lie ♪</i>

98
00:04:38,861 --> 00:04:40,738
<i>♪ Double chins</i>
<i>with the chafing thighs ♪</i>

99
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,532
<i>♪ When a dude walks in</i>
<i>with the hanging jowls ♪</i>

100
00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:45,201
<i>♪ My stomach starts to growl--</i>
<i>I’m gettin’ hungry ♪</i>

101
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:48,121
<i>♪ So I masticate,</i>
<i>chomping on the overweight ♪</i>

102
00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:49,998
<i>♪ I eat fat people for days ♪</i>

103
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,833
<i>♪ Like potato chips</i>
<i>by Lay’s ♪</i>

104
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:53,835
<i>♪ Try to eat just one,</i>
<i>but it can’t be done ♪</i>

105
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:55,378
<i>♪ I’ve got to eat a ton ♪</i>

106
00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,088
<i>♪ Baby likes fat ♪</i>

107
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,341
<i>♪ Baby likes fat. ♪</i>

108
00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:01,968
(laughs)

109
00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:05,096
I used to think these shirts
were just for fat slobs.

110
00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:06,764
(gunshots on TV)

111
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:13,771
It’s blob rule on the streets
of Springfield.

112
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,690
And to make matters worse,
we’re also being attacked

113
00:05:15,773 --> 00:05:18,067
by a 50-foot Lenny.

114
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,944
Everyone’s paying attention
to Homer.

115
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,487
CARL:
I still like you.

116
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:22,905
Thanks, Invisible Carl.

117
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,491
(screaming)

118
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,368
Mmm. Mmm.

119
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:28,828
Mmm.

120
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,538
FLANDERS:
Hi-de-ho, Bloborino.

121
00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:31,789
Eh. Mm.

122
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:32,915
MAN:
Homer?

123
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,042
Hmm?

124
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:36,252
-I need to talk to you.
-(gasps)

125
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,962
Dr. Phil McGraw!

126
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:41,257
You’ve got a weight problem,
and you know it.

127
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,550
You’re right.

128
00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:45,178
Starting tomorrow,
no bread before dinner.

129
00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:48,639
Homer, don’t sell me an outhouse
and tell me it’s the Taj Mahal.

130
00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:50,600
Yeah, Homer,
stop doing that.

131
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:53,770
It’s time to open up
a can of honesty.

132
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:56,147
You’re thinking about eating me
right now,

133
00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:57,398
aren’t you?

134
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:59,233
Aren’t you?

135
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:02,653
That’s ridiculous,
talking fudge.

136
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,072
Homer, your family’s here.

137
00:06:04,155 --> 00:06:06,657
And you got to help me
help them

138
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:08,785
help you help me
help you.

139
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,453
Marge, I missed you.

140
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,914
All this eating has put me in
the mood for a little lovin’.

141
00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:14,165
(purrs sexily)

142
00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:17,251
I have to be
honest with you:

143
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,421
I can’t love
a 4,000-ton cannibal.

144
00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,840
What happened to "for better
or for worse?!"

145
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:24,217
Dad,
you’re eating Dr. Phil.

146
00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:27,011
It’s amazing.

147
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:29,222
He tastes
just like Jeffrey Tambor.

148
00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,890
(grunting)

149
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,226
Food does not equal love!

150
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:38,481
Marge, to keep you in my life,
I’d do anything.

151
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,441
There must be some way
to turn my problem

152
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,902
into a positive
for the community.

153
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:43,903
BOTH: Hmm...
Hmm...

154
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:46,697
In you go, boys.

155
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,992
We’ve got everything--
warm beds, square meals,

156
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,869
homeless women.

157
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,913
(all clamoring)

158
00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:57,583
I got a bad feeling
about this, Blue.

159
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:58,668
(sniffs)

160
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,711
(yelps)

161
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:01,963
Get in there.

162
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,423
(screaming)

163
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,056
Nice to be indoors, isn’t it?

164
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,936
{\an8}♪♪

165
00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:20,231
Finally, I’d like to announce

166
00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:22,275
that starting Monday,
this show will be

167
00:07:22,358 --> 00:07:24,735
broadcast in HDTV.

168
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,279
Here’s how I’ll look.

169
00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:27,321
{\an8}-Eh?
-(kids scream)

170
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:31,409
That’s right:
look at your hero!

171
00:07:31,492 --> 00:07:33,828
(laughs)

172
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:34,912
Good night, everybody.

173
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:36,789
Aren’t you coming, Bart?

174
00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,791
Nah, I’m gonna go
backstage and complain.

175
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:41,836
This Krusty Brand alarm clock
sprays acid in your face.

176
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:43,171
-(acid fizzes)
-Oh!

177
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,590
You already
showed me before!

178
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:50,219
Whoa, Krusty’s
prop room.

179
00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:55,224
Cool! It’s that clown car

180
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,393
all those midgets drowned in.

181
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,061
Wha..?

182
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,024
(gasps)

183
00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:05,067
Hey, kid.
This ain’t a museum.

184
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,569
That’s a museum.

185
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,654
For kids, $49 bucks.

186
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,574
Krusty, what’s that monster?

187
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:14,452
It’s the Golem of Prague.

188
00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:15,870
(thunder crashes)

189
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,539
Legendary defender
of the Jewish people,

190
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:21,000
like Alan Dershowitz,
but with a conscience.

191
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:23,586
(chuckles):
I kid Alan. We’re friends.

192
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:26,881
Anyway,
back in the 1600s...

193
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:30,384
<i>a rabbi created</i>
<i>this magic creature out</i>

194
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,262
<i>-of humble clay.</i>
-(potter’s wheel squeaks)

195
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:36,807
<i>The golem would perform</i>
<i>any task</i>

196
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:38,726
<i>that was written on a scroll</i>

197
00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,394
<i>and placed in its mouth.</i>

198
00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,813
♪♪

199
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,524
(thunder crashes)

200
00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,152
(crowd gasps)

201
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,111
(gunfire)

202
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,786
<i>Now he works for me.</i>

203
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:59,038
So the wife says,
"I don’t have to pay for it.

204
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,623
I put it on my charge plate."

205
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:02,041
You suck, clown!

206
00:09:02,124 --> 00:09:03,960
You made my lady cry!

207
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,378
(grunts)

208
00:09:05,461 --> 00:09:07,588
(crowd screams)

209
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:11,759
♪♪

210
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:15,054
"Come to my house
at midnight."

211
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,477
Now if you’ll excuse me,

212
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,897
I have to rehearse
my "Desperate Houseflies"
sketch.

213
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,399
Buzz, buzz.

214
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:29,860
Ooh, here comes
that sexy young garbageman.

215
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:32,488
(chuckles and sighs)

216
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,407
I’m gonna need
a shoebox full of blow

217
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:35,575
to get through this dreck.

218
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:42,873
(footsteps approaching)

219
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:46,669
(groans)

220
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:52,049
Bart,

221
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,718
there’s something
I have to tell you

222
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:55,678
father to son.

223
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,472
I passed out on your turtle
and killed it.

224
00:09:58,556 --> 00:09:59,599
Someday you’ll thank me.

225
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:01,767
Hey, Milhouse.

226
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,479
(gasps):
It worked!

227
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:06,606
Now, there’s
something I’ve wanted

228
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:07,815
to do for
a long time.

229
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:14,780
Can’t you read
my writing?

230
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,699
I didn’t say kick
Homer’s "walls".

231
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:17,908
What’s goin’ on?

232
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,201
-Ow!
-That’s better.

233
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,244
(thud)

234
00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:26,542
Yo, Simpson.

235
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,710
Give us your
lunch money.

236
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:30,171
Mmm... I don’t think so.

237
00:10:30,254 --> 00:10:33,883
In fact, why don’t <i>you </i>give me
<i>your </i>lunch money?

238
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,760
Well, who’s gonna
make us? That golem?

239
00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:38,679
No, my go--
Yes, him.

240
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,851
(screaming)

241
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,359
Finally, someone who
does whatever I say.

242
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:52,360
Hey, Bart,

243
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,986
I shaved my head
like you told me.

244
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,113
-Get lost.
-Yes, Master.

245
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,202
Bart,
did your mystical

246
00:11:01,285 --> 00:11:04,288
Jewish monster
beat up those bullies?

247
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,831
Oh, it’s always
the Jews’ fault.

248
00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:07,833
Hmm, well I think your golem

249
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,960
doesn’t like hurting people
and I’ll prove it.

250
00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:12,588
"Speak."

251
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:17,468
(monstrous groan)

252
00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:19,470
(coughs)

253
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,223
Finally, I can talk!

254
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:24,141
This is the voice I’ve got?

255
00:11:24,225 --> 00:11:26,519
Sounds like I should be selling
egg creams in Brighton Beach.

256
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,189
That’s what we call
Jewish humor.

257
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,566
You don’t have to understand it
’cause the words sound funny.

258
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,736
Meshuggeneh. Hilarious.

259
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,655
Hello? Huh?

260
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:38,948
It’s funny, believe me.

261
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:41,742
Do you feel bad
about what you did?

262
00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,160
Of course I feel bad.

263
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,829
My stomach feels like
it’s hosting

264
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:48,249
the Chabad Telethon
and Norm Crosby’s going long.

265
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,837
(retches)

266
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,715
"Kill the czar"?
Now that’s an old one.

267
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,135
Hey, boy, where’s
your mud buddy?

268
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,971
I have a little job for him.

269
00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:04,098
(sinister laugh)

270
00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:07,435
Oh, he was driving me crazy,

271
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:08,477
so I sent him on an errand.

272
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,396
(screaming)

273
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:15,317
Skinner! Just let him
kill you already.

274
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,445
That’s the man I was
telling you about.

275
00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:19,989
(Skinner screams)

276
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,367
Skinner!

277
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,244
I wish we’d been closer.

278
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:26,704
Get him out
of here, Willie.

279
00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:29,373
You’ll make better mulch
than you did a man.

280
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:32,084
I may be bifurcated,
but I still have feelings.

281
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:37,047
I feel so guilty. I’ve mangled
and maimed 37 people

282
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:39,467
and I told a telemarketer
I was busy when I wasn’t.

283
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,051
I’m not a good man.

284
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,304
He sure is neurotic
for a monster.

285
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,055
The cure to any
man’s problems

286
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,640
is a good relationship.

287
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:48,100
Hmm.

288
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,811
Yeah, get him a woman.
That’ll end his misery.

289
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,104
(laughs)

290
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,064
(groans)

291
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:56,942
Ow, ow!

292
00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,402
This hurts so much.

293
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,821
Just write a scroll
asking him to stop.

294
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,698
Writing’s for nerds.

295
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:03,616
Ow!

296
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,118
You got
a surprise for me?

297
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:07,453
The surprise would be
if I found

298
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:09,580
some good live theater
in this town.

299
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:11,791
Then people could
have some drinks,

300
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,793
watch <i>Fiddler. </i>Very nice.

301
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,211
Will you shut up.

302
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:28,349
(gasps):
Is she for me?

303
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:30,434
Hanukkah came early this year,

304
00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:31,560
which it sometimes does.

305
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,822
Hello, everybody.

306
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,741
(nasal laugh)

307
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,827
Ugh! What’s with this outfit?

308
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,120
It looks like a lion ate
a parrot and then threw up.

309
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:52,832
(nasal laugh)

310
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,501
-Well, back
to the drawing board.
-No!

311
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:58,003
What are you? Nuts?
She was made for me.

312
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,966
I now pronounce you monster
and whatever you are.

313
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,051
<i>Shayna punim.</i>

314
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,012
Not so fast.

315
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,682
You’re wanted for the murder
of Seymour Skinner.

316
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:11,809
Oh, come on, Chief.

317
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,937
We’ve got a latke
bar downstairs.

318
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,022
Latkes?
What the hell are those?

319
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,482
They’re pan-fried...

320
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:19,900
-Case dismissed.
-Wonderful!

321
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,360
(glass breaks)

322
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:28,993
<i>♪ Gloomy Sunday ♪</i>

323
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:32,079
{\an8}<i>♪ With shadows</i>
<i>I spend it all ♪</i>

324
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:39,753
{\an8}<i>♪ My heart and I have decided</i>
<i>to end it all... ♪</i>

325
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:42,006
I don’t get it.

326
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,216
What’s so "Great"
about this Depression?

327
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,510
Well, I like how
everything’s sepia-toned.

328
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,512
Makes me feel
all nostalgic.

329
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,514
I never thought it
would come to this

330
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,641
when I fought in the
first World War.

331
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:53,684
"First" World War?

332
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:54,977
Why you keep
callin’ it that?

333
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:57,021
Oh, you’ll see.

334
00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,441
♪♪

335
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:05,070
<i>ANNOUNCER (over radio):</i>
<i>We interrupt this dance music</i>
<i>from the Meridian Room</i>

336
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:07,239
<i>in Capital City’s</i>
<i>fabulous Hotel Hitler</i>

337
00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:08,908
<i>to bring you</i>
<i>a special bulletin.</i>

338
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:10,659
Hey, I’m not done dancing.

339
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,745
This bulletin better swing.

340
00:15:12,828 --> 00:15:15,456
<i>Reports are coming in of giant</i>
<i>metal cylinders landing</i>

341
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:17,416
<i>on the outskirts</i>
<i>of major American cities.</i>

342
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:18,459
(screams)

343
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:19,585
Cylinders?

344
00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:21,879
<i>Astronomers say</i>
<i>the ominous capsules</i>

345
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,881
<i>originated from Earth’s</i>
<i>closest neighbor.</i>

346
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:25,132
Flanders?

347
00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:26,842
<i>Mars.</i>

348
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,345
So, it’s a war of the worlds.

349
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,390
Good thing we got the sun
on our side.

350
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:37,478
Go ahead and hide, you coward.

351
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:41,148
<i>I’m in the small town</i>
<i>of Grover’s Mill.</i>

352
00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:42,650
<i>where a crowd has gathered</i>

353
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:44,735
<i>around one of the strange</i>
<i>Martian cylinders.</i>

354
00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,904
<i>It’s opening.</i>
<i>A tentacle is emerging.</i>

355
00:15:46,987 --> 00:15:48,906
(kids scream)

356
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:50,407
Settle down, children.

357
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:52,368
Have a cigarette
to calm your nerves.

358
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:55,579
<i>Oh, my stars.</i>

359
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:56,872
<i>It’s firing a beam</i>
<i>of pure energy.</i>

360
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,166
(laser buzzing)

361
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:00,292
<i>It’s burning people alive.</i>

362
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,586
(people screaming)

363
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:04,296
Okay, boys, we’re
under attack.

364
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,007
Let’s drive ’em out of town
the way we did with the Irish.

365
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,175
Hey, I’m Irish.

366
00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:09,426
Oh.

367
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,886
Oh, wait, I’m Polish.

368
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,180
Oh.

369
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:15,265
The devastation is incredible.

370
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,559
They’re grinding up
the bodies of human beings.

371
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:19,144
(grinding)

372
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,729
Now they’re riding horses
in the rain.

373
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,022
-(clip clop)
-(water falling)

374
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,691
Now they’re playing
the xylophone

375
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,359
while bowling near
an airport.

376
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,533
Now, before we all die,

377
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:35,494
one last selection from
the Nathan Newley Orchestra.

378
00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:38,288
(singing):
♪ I’m young and healthy ♪

379
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:40,874
♪ And you’ve got charms... ♪

380
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,127
Gee, Mr. Welles,

381
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:46,296
this sure is a swell show
you’re puttin’ on
for the folks.

382
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,924
Well, I just hope our
saucy little radio prank

383
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,219
will give these "folks," as
you call them, a giggle, a gasp,

384
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:55,264
and provide a good lead-in
for Misters Amos and Andy.

385
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,349
(people screaming, gunfire)

386
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:00,644
Burn everything.

387
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:01,854
You know, Homer,

388
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,856
we haven’t actually
seen these aliens.

389
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:05,357
That’s alien talk.

390
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:09,361
"Big Band Stu,"
says 23 Skidoo.

391
00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:10,821
Ooh!

392
00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:13,073
(a la Franklin D. Roosevelt):
We have nothing to fear

393
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:16,702
but the aliens and their vastly
superior killing technology.

394
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,954
Boys, we have to assume
our guns are useless.

395
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,080
Throw ’em in the lake.

396
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,167
Good. Now, the
police car.

397
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:28,714
Wait, did you
get my sweater

398
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:29,631
out of the front seat?

399
00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:30,632
Uh, yeah.

400
00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:32,259
-Well, where is it?
-(sighs)

401
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:33,719
I’ll go get it.

402
00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:40,267
Wait, I have an idea.

403
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,478
The Martians are
only killing humans,

404
00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,314
so we should pretend
to be animals.

405
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:46,940
Ingenious.

406
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:50,527
Everyone, remove your clothes
and wallow in filth.

407
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,532
(braying, meowing,
and barking)

408
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,242
-(meowing)
-(mooing)

409
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:01,497
(animal noises continue)

410
00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:07,211
(clucking and meowing)

411
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,338
(barking)

412
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,173
Bow-wow.

413
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,258
What is everyone doing?

414
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:14,676
We’re outsmarting the Martians.

415
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,095
(braying)

416
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,054
Martians?

417
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,348
You do know that radio broadcast
was a hoax?

418
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:20,724
Moo?

419
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,060
Yeah, it was an Orson Welles
radio play

420
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,478
of <i>War of the Worlds.</i>

421
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:26,396
See.

422
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,441
-(sighing)
-(muttering)

423
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,277
I’m proud of what I achieved
during my rioting.

424
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:37,449
It was either kill him
or kill no one.

425
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:38,534
(Kang laughs)

426
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,661
Foolish Earthlings.

427
00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:43,163
Now is the perfect time
to strike.

428
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,998
They’ll think
it’s another hoax.

429
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,250
(grunting)

430
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:59,388
Dad, a flying saucer
blew up that statue.

431
00:18:59,471 --> 00:19:01,557
Lisa, that was
just a radio show.

432
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:02,474
Uh, Paw.

433
00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:10,023
Please, you must believe me,
this is no hoax.

434
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:11,525
This is a real invasion.

435
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:13,777
Oh, yeah? Why don’t I just
punch you in the nose, Bud?

436
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:17,489
"Nosebud."

437
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,825
Chief, you’ve got
to alert the military.

438
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:20,826
Fine, fine,

439
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:21,869
I’ll do it right now.

440
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:23,120
(rings)

441
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:24,663
US Army. What’s the threat?

442
00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:26,123
Uh, we’ve been invaded...

443
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:28,667
by a pompous, radio ham.

444
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:31,420
How’s it feel when the hoax
is on the other foot?

445
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,422
I must admit it’s unpleasant.

446
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,384
You fool.

447
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,469
You’ve doomed us all.

448
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:41,346
Eh, tell it to the Great
Gildersleeve.

449
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:42,973
(screams)

450
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:48,187
Well, they didn’t
eat the skin.

451
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,646
It’s--that’s healthy.

452
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,867
Colonel Kang, your report.

453
00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:03,452
Uh, well...

454
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:05,954
the Earthlings continue
to resent our presence.

455
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,623
(explosion)

456
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:10,292
<i>You </i>said we’d be greeted
as liberators.

457
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:11,710
Don’t worry.

458
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:15,005
We still have the people’s
hearts and minds.

459
00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:16,715
I don’t know.

460
00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:18,967
I’m starting to think
"Operation: Enduring Occupation"

461
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,510
was a <i>bad </i>idea.

462
00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:22,679
We had to invade.

463
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,766
They were working on weapons
of mass disintegration.

464
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,226
Sure they were.

465
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:37,027
<i>♪ I don’t want</i>
<i>to set the world ♪</i>

466
00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:42,908
<i>♪ On fire ♪</i>

467
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:48,038
<i>♪ I just want to start ♪</i>

468
00:20:48,121 --> 00:20:55,128
<i>♪ A flame in your heart ♪</i>

469
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,382
{\an8}Captioned by VISUAL DATA

470
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,381
(screaming)

471
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,010
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem