CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(school bell rings)
(whistle blows)
(saxophone solo)
(tires skidding)
(clinking)
(tires screeching)
D’oh!
(screams)
♪♪
♪ Laugh it up with Christ and Krusty ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ We got hired ’cause we are busty ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. ♪
Hey! Hey!
Oh... whoa... whoa! (thuds)
(laughing)
Real nice-- laughing at an old man’s pain.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
(loud groaning)
(laughing)
We’ve got a great show tonight,
with all your favorite second-tier costume characters.
Like Ribwich Rib-it!
Matrix Poochie!
And right off the plane
from his dad’s funeral,
Sideshow Mel!
And now for the highlight of our show,
a special appearance
-by Elvis... -(excited gasping)
...Stojko!
(disappointed groaning)
ANNOUNCER (over P.A.) Olympic Medalist Elvis Stojko performs
a graceful triple axel.
Elvis Stojko is so handsome.
He can lace up my skates any time.
Don’t you hags know that all male figure skaters
are "twinkly in the lutz"?
That’s a common misconception.
I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.
Made-up girlfriend, made-up city.
("Dance of the Reeds" plays)
(audience "awws")
Just think, Lisa,
if I had paid for those skating lessons,
that could’ve been you.
(grumbles angrily)
Say, Mel, those figure skaters,
sure are having a swell time out there.
Indeed!
Why don’t we join them?
(both groaning)
Oh, my back.
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays)
Wow, Krusty and Mel sure can skate.
Nothin’ slows down the baby boomers.
(cheering and applause)
(both screaming)
(audience gasping)
Aw, don’t look so shocked.
You knew the deal.
(pulley squeaking)
SNOWMAN: Children, we need your help.
The Grumple has stolen
all of our holiday cheer.
That can’t be good.
Grumply, grumply groo,
I’ll throw my net over you.
Look out! It’s the Grumple!
(Homer whimpering)
SNOWMAN, CANDY CANE, REINDEER: Oh!
Whoa, watch where you’re going there, pally.
We’ve got a basketball game in an hour.
But we’re trying to get to Mistletoe Mountain.
Tell it to the Utah Jazz, snowflake.
Elvis, Grumple, Candy Kevin!
Let’s teach these guys
the real meaning of Christmas.
(punches landing, grunting)
(groaning) Come on, Homer.
Let’s get the kids out of here.
Homer?
Give back that holiday cheer,
-you bastard! -Never!
This sweater is gorgeous.
I’ll take one in "wife" size
and three in "mistress" size.
Now Smithers, I need your advice
picking out a gift for a very dear friend of mine.
A single fellow, a bit quiet,
but one with a warm, loyal heart.
Well, sir, a fellow like that
might have had his eye on this silver frame.
It would go great with his collection of Art Deco...
Shut up, shut up! There he is.
Hello, Phillip.
What are you doing here?
(gasping)
Oh-ho. Never you mind, Mr. Nosey.
(both laughing)
Are you going to that string quartet thing?
-’Cause I’m not. -(both laughing)
(sotto voce) Are you still here?
Go pay for that.
Well, uh...
what can ol’ Santa bring you for Christmas, son?
I want a dirt bike,
one of those video game chairs that vibrate...
Dad, he’s not the real Santa.
We can’t afford that stuff.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!
(sobbing)
I better go after him.
What can I do for you, young lady?
What I want can’t be bought at any store.
Oh, what is it, sweetie?
Peace on earth?
What? No!
I-I mean, that’s a given.
But also, the Malibu Stacy Pony Beach Party Set
with Sparkle Sand.
It’s sold out everywhere.
You know,
Santa thinks he saw an extra Beach Party Set
sitting back in the stockroom there.
(gasping) Really?
Y-You just wait here.
Let me go check, Sugarplum.
(cash register dinging)
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
You really made my daughter’s Christmas.
Well, her smile made mine.
Gil!
March your fake boot fronts over here!
Mr. Costington!
Sir, I’m glad I have this chance to talk to you.
I’ve been on the payroll here since May,
and I’d really like to start working in Ladies Shoes.
Not literally, of course.
I... I couldn’t walk very fast,
though I’d learn if that’s what it takes.
Never mind that now!
Did you sell the Malibu Stacy set I put aside?
That was for you?
It was for my daughter!
You nitwit!
I want my dolly!
(jowly) You nitwit!
Now get back that toy.
Gee, I’m sorry, sir.
Taking back that doll would break
a little girl’s heart on Christmas Eve.
I made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I would never do that.
Well, then, you’re... fired!
But I...
(Gil stammering) Aw.
Oh, you poor man.
Fired on Christmas Eve.
(grunts)
Why don’t you have dinner with us tonight?
Please, Santa?
Well, let me check the bus schedule here.
If I get it... make a transfer there.
Well, I could be there
by 2:00 a.m.
We’ll give you a ride.
That’s swell.
Could you swing by my ex-wife’s place?
I want her to see me riding in a car.
SIMPSONS: ♪ And a partridge in a... ♪
(Gil scat singing)
♪ ...pear tree ♪
(all laughing)
(laughing) He did that.
Oh, yeah.
Well, I guess ol’ Gil should skedaddle.
You can’t go home tonight.
It’s cold. It’s late.
Yeah, maybe I should spend the night here, too.
You’re getting a cab, old man.
In fact, I believe I see it now.
But I haven’t given you a present.
Your present is leaving.
Oh, I don’t see a cab.
Well, since I’m staying, how about another song?
♪ Jazzin’ around the Christmas tree ♪
♪ It’s a skit skat holiday. ♪
LISA & BART: It’s Christmas!
-It’s Christmas! -It’s Christmas!
I didn’t think it would ever come, but it did!
(both laughing)
What is all this?
Well, I figured since you invited me to stay,
I might as well go down to the bus locker
and get my stuff.
Oh.
Marge, we have a problem here.
You have a bigger problem out there.
Grumply, grumply groo, your blood will make my stew.
(whispering loudly) Do you think that’s the same Grumple
from the ice show?
Because I do.
(grunts)
Hey, who wants some eggs a la Harold Stassen?
Huh?
They’re always running!
(Gil laughs)
(Lisa laughs)
(whispering) Do you really understand what that means?
(chuckles) Kinda.
Why did you let that loser into our home?
I’ll tell you why: Christian Charity.
Christian Charity?
What does a porn star have to do with this?
He’s gotta go.
I promise you he’ll leave after today.
Really? Who’s gonna make him?
I will.
He sure has a lot of markers that don’t work.
Well, I got something.
Gah! A spider bite,
or as I like to call it, a "Christmas kiss."
Listen, uh, Gil...
I sort of thought that...
you know, you’d be on your way by now.
Really?
You’re gonna put me out on Christmas Day, huh?
(chuckles)
Well, that’s all right.
I can go down to the men’s shelter.
I just hope that weird priest with the runny eye
ain’t serving soup, ’cause they...
Wait, you don’t have a place to live?
(whispering loudly) Lower the boom.
(sighs)
I guess you don’t have to leave
till the holiday’s over.
(grunts worriedly)
(whispering loudly) Has the boom been lowered?
No!
(whispering loudly) D’oh...
TV ANNOUNCER: Appearing in their first Rose Parade,
the marching band from Altoona, Pennsylvania
playing "Rachel’s Theme" from Batman Begins.
Hey-ya, Marge, Happy New Year.
You make any resolutions?
Yes. One... involving you.
What a coincidence!
I made one, too.
I’m gonna move my fanny off this sofa.
(gasps) Oh.
And move it over to that recliner by the phone
’cause I’m expecting a call any minute now
from my old boss at Jackpot Realty,
asking me to take over the Scottsdale office.
Really?
Oh, yeah. That desert air’s gonna give the ol’ one-two
to my bronchitis.
(chuckles) (coughing)
Oh... boy.
(sighs)
I guess you can stay a little longer.
Ah, thank you, Marge.
You know, those floats should really slow down
and savor it, ’cause your life can go to Hell pretty quick.
(grunts)
We’re not keeping that moocher
in this house another minute.
(coughs)
He’s still in need.
We have to let him stay.
It’s what Dr. King would want us to do.
Oh, that’s it. We’re changing doctors.
Please, just a few more days.
Marge, admit it.
You just can’t say "no" to anyone.
That’s why you have three kids.
It’s true.
I do have trouble saying "no."
It all started when I was seven.
Marjorie, we need you to hide our cigarettes in your dollhouse.
No!
(both growling)
Mom? Gramma?
Aunt Larina?
Anybody?
Whoa-whoa-whoa-wha--
Ugh.
And that’s why I have trouble saying "no" to people.
Even Gil.
Marge, I have no idea
what you were just thinking about.
Why would you think I did?
Uh... hmm.
(dog barks)
(grumbling)
What’sa matter, Homer?
You still miss the UPN?
Yeah, but there’s something else.
There’s this loser staying in our house.
Marge says she’s gonna kick him out,
but then she never does.
Well, you can’t kick him out,
’cause then Marge will never learn to assert herself.
Well, I guess I’ll have to wait for Marge
to show some backbone and--
You again?!
(growling)
(grunts) Aah!
What the hell is this thing?
♪ Happy holidays ♪
♪ May the calendar keep bringin happy holidays ♪
MARGE: Homie.
Wake up.
I rented that negligee you like.
(purrs amorously)
Those legs go on forever.
Oh, wait, they stop right there.
(both chuckling)
(both giggling)
Oh... Mmm!
Homer, don’t forget it’s Valentine’s Day!
What you gettin’ the missus?
A heart-shaped box of chocolates.
(grunting)
Gil, listen.
We’ve been very patient,
-but I want you to... -(phone rings)
Is that for me?
GIL: Is it the Scottsdale job?
It’s your foot doctor, Gil!
Yes.
Oh, dear.
I can’t tell him that!
Aw, geez!
Boy, I was...
Well, I’m still a winner!
As long as I got a cup of coffee
and a tomorrow on the calendar, ol’ Gil’s comin’ back.
Oh. Say, Homer, how about closin’ up that robe?
I’m seeing the whole butcher shop.
For your information,
since I bought it, I put on a ton of weight.
♪ Happy holidays ♪
♪ May the calendar keep bringin happy holidays... ♪
♪ McCarthy pumps the old bassoon ♪
♪ While I the pipes do play ♪
♪ And Hennessy Tennessee tootles the flute ♪
♪ And the music is awfully grand... ♪
Oh, their drunken singing is ruining St. Patrick’s Day!
Well, just let ’em finish this one song.
♪ There’s O’Brians, O’Ryans, O’Sheehans and Meehans ♪
♪ They come from Ireland... ♪
(muttering angrily)
(whimpers)
(lively Irish music plays)
♪ Happy Holidays ♪
♪ Happy Holidays... ♪
♪ While the merry bells are ringing ♪
♪ May your every wish come true ♪
♪ Happy Holidays ♪
♪ May the calendar keep bringin happy holidays to you ♪
LISA: Oh, man.
Now he even mooches our lunches.
(Bart grunts)
All he left me with are these used nicotine patches.
Give me your lunch, dingus.
Oh, mini quesadillas!
Zesty!
(groans)
♪ Happy Holidays ♪
♪ May the calendar keep bringin happy holidays... to you ♪
I’m so sick of Gil.
He ruins Thanksgiving,
uses my leg razor to peel his carrots...
Marge, I hate to interrupt the ol’ solilo-diddly-iloquy,
but I just want to thank you for your early Christmas card.
Christmas card?
I haven’t even taken the photo yet.
Isn’t this your posse on this glossy?
(gasps)
That Photoshopping freak!
Oh, I don’t mean to cause Gil ill will, but still...
Don’t you defend him!
I want that mooch out of my house right now!
Marge, I’ve never seen you like this before.
That’s right!
I just found my gumption, and I like it!
Marge Simpson is gonna say no!
Gil! Gil?
Gil!
Gil’s gone.
Back to Scottsdale.
-Problem solved. -End of story.
Can we have pancakes for dinner?
Gil’s gone?
But I have a "no" inside me that has to come out.
Hey, Marge, you want a thousand dollars?
No!
I mean, yes!
Too late.
(groaning)
Don’t worry. I make six of those a year.
Even though Gil left,
I still have to kick him out.
I need this, or I’ll never be able to say "no."
Mom, I understand your psychological need,
but I’m not sure what you can do.
I’ll tell you what.
We’re going to Scottsdale!
Scottsdale?
Will we stay at a Tripletree Resort?
-Sure. -Then forget it!
I’ll ask these active seniors if they know Gil.
I’ll have you know I’m 32.
Oh!
(gasping) There he is!
Gunderson?!
Whoa, Gil’s a big shot!
And to think he and I once shared a shower.
I don’t care how successful Gil is.
He’s still a mooch, and I need to tell him off!
(screeching)
117 degrees?
Ooh, that reminds me.
(heavy panting)
There’s water under the seat!
(whimpering)
Now remember, Marge,
we’re not buying anything for more than 1.2,
but if I scratch my nose,
that means we can go to 1.5.
People, remember, you’re selling dreams!
When a family owns a home,
it means they own a piece of America.
And what matters most isn’t the commission you make,
it’s the smiles on their faces
when they know they own that land free and clear.
He’s the best I’ve ever seen.
He’s talking at a Century 22 level.
(groans)
Gil, remember me?
Marge Simpson? What are you doing here?
Lookin’ for a home on a quiet cul-de-sac,
where your neighbor could be Tanya Tucker?
Listen, bub.
I have something to say to you,
and it can’t wait.
Oh, well, looks like we got
a Backout Betty on our hands.
But watch ol’ Gil take her from furious to curious.
Now, ma’am, you say you can’t wait, and you’re right.
With interest rates climbing and choice properties
in the Kingsbridge School District drying up...
The only house I’m interested in is my own,
which you defiled for 11 hellish months.
But now I’ve learned to say "no!"
No to your mooching!
No to your manipulation!
And a big fat no to the Kingsbridge School District!
Aw, come on, you can’t say no to ol’ Gil.
No!
Why, he’s as pathetic as we are.
(laughing)
Gunderson!
I put you in charge of this office
because I thought you could tame this town.
You’re fired!
Here’s a box for your stuff.
I can’t live in this!
♪ May the calendar keep bringing ♪
♪ Happy holiday to... ♪
♪ Ba-ba-bop-de-ba-you! ♪
(doorbell rings)
(collective gasp)
Grumply, grumply groo,
we’re here to share Christmas with you!
ALL: Awww...
♪ Have a grumply grumply Christmas ♪
♪ Free of grumply groo ♪
♪ Oh, by grumple, have a grumpl grumply Christmas, won’t you? ♪
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Shh!
Enhanced by Fotokem