1
00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:06,256
<i>CHOIR:</i>
<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:07,340
{\an8}(tires screeching)

3
00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:10,677
{\an8}D’oh!

4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:11,761
{\an8}(screams)

5
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:15,056
♪♪

6
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:18,560
HOMER:
Hmm.

7
00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,645
♪♪

8
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:33,450
(Homer snoring)

9
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,535
{\an8}Hmm.

10
00:00:35,618 --> 00:00:36,745
(sighs)

11
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,079
What’s the matter,
sweetie?

12
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,498
Tomorrow’s Multicultural Day
at school.

13
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{\an8}Now what do they want?

14
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{\an8}(snoring)

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{\an8}I’ve got to give a presentation
about our family’s heritage,

16
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,922
{\an8}but ours is so boring.

17
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,216
{\an8}Yep. The Simpsons
have never married,

18
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,552
{\an8}or even shook hands,
with anyone interesting.

19
00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:54,429
{\an8}In a world of 31 flavors,

20
00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:57,057
{\an8}we’re the cup of water
they rinse the scoops in.

21
00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,100
{\an8}Grampa out.

22
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:01,561
{\an8}Aw, Grampa.

23
00:01:01,644 --> 00:01:04,773
{\an8}We should take lots of pictures
of him while we still can.

24
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Camera’s broken!

25
00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:07,609
(snoring)

26
00:01:07,984 --> 00:01:09,402
(sad music)

27
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(chuckling)

28
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Hey, Lis, check it out.

29
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{\an8}With some
clever scissor work,

30
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{\an8}I can make the Lake Land Butter
Indian maiden show me her boobs.

31
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{\an8}Clean, dirty.

32
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{\an8}(laughs)

33
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{\an8}Clean, dirty.

34
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:30,256
{\an8}(laughs):
Clean, dirty.

35
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,132
(laughs)

36
00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:32,258
Bart, stop that!

37
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Native Americans
are a proud people

38
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{\an8}with a noble heritage.

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{\an8}A noble heritage
that anyone can claim.

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Cool!

41
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,314
Look what Snap’s
doing to Pop

42
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while Crackle watches!

43
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(laughing)

44
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{\an8}"My great-great-great-
great... great-grandmother

45
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{\an8}was a Native American.

46
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{\an8}She was a member of the..."

47
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(music swells)

48
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{\an8}"...Hitachee tribe."

49
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:08,795
{\an8}♪♪

50
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{\an8}Wait. Is it wrong for me
to appropriate the culture

51
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,341
{\an8}of a long-suffering people?

52
00:02:13,424 --> 00:02:14,926
{\an8}I’ll tell you
what’s wrong:

53
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:16,970
{\an8}You getting a "C"
on this project

54
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{\an8}and winding up at
a third-rate college.

55
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{\an8}Lisa, the world needs you
to go to Wellesley!

56
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:22,267
You’re right.

57
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:24,060
{\an8}I’ll just need to find

58
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,687
{\an8}traditional garb.

59
00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:27,188
(Native American music)

60
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:31,860
And so, my proud people
were nearly destroyed

61
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:33,820
by the warfare, disease,

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and greed of
the invading Europeans.

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{\an8}I didn’t come here
to be insulted.

64
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{\an8}<i>Guten tag!</i>

65
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(dog panting)

66
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{\an8}Today, the Hitachees
have dwindled to a handful,

67
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,377
and our detailed
genealogical records

68
00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:51,796
were cruelly destroyed
by the white man.

69
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,465
{\an8}So, any attempts
to research my tribe

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00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:57,510
{\an8}would be the ultimate insult.

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(clapping)
Splendid, Lisa.

72
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,972
By far, the best
presentation of the day.

73
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:03,558
I’m still proud of what I am.

74
00:03:03,641 --> 00:03:04,684
{\an8}And you should be.

75
00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,144
{\an8}The city’s
Multicultural Council

76
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:09,022
{\an8}has invited one lucky student
to perform at City Hall.

77
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{\an8}Lisa, you’ll be
representing us

78
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{\an8}and the noble
Hitachee people.

79
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{\an8}Oh... great!

80
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:17,780
{\an8}I’d... love to.

81
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,449
{\an8}Mm-hmm.

82
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,868
{\an8}<i>Why did I have to lie</i>
<i>about my heritage?</i>

83
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:25,330
{\an8}<i>By speaking with forked tongue,</i>
<i>I am in heap big trouble.</i>

84
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,456
(gasps)

85
00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:28,499
<i>And now I’m thinking</i>
<i>in stereotypes!</i>

86
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<i>That’s even worse!</i>

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(screaming)

88
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Must be the war cry
of her tribe.

89
00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,841
Probably.
Now, get me some coffee.

90
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:37,926
(chicken clucking)

91
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:41,763
Daddy, I got
me a C-minus

92
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:44,098
on my Multicultural
project.

93
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:45,767
A C-minus, huh?

94
00:03:45,850 --> 00:03:47,352
Well, let’s celebrate.

95
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:50,355
Hey, Brandine,
empty out the tub!

96
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,440
We’s makin’ rum!

97
00:03:52,523 --> 00:03:54,234
BRANDINE:
Can’t use the tub!

98
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:56,236
I’m drownin’
rats in it!

99
00:03:56,319 --> 00:04:00,657
Still?! Are you drownin’ ’em
or makin’ love to ’em?

100
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:02,909
(bellows)

101
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:05,328
(chicken clucks)

102
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:06,204
(busy music playing)

103
00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:07,997
(chirps)

104
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(screech)

105
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:12,961
(shrieks)

106
00:04:13,544 --> 00:04:14,963
(music continues)

107
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:18,591
Oh!

108
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,183
(bellows)

109
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(dramatic music)

110
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(screaming)

111
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Mr. Burns, help me!

112
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:51,124
Why? You’re
not helping me.

113
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But, sir, I’m flaming!

114
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(screaming)

115
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My God, Willie, that fire

116
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:00,925
is headed right for
the tetherball pole.

117
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:01,801
Put it out!

118
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:02,760
I cannot!

119
00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:05,638
All the extinguishers
are gone!

120
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,975
Then I’m afraid
these Wet Ones

121
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:10,560
will have to do the job.

122
00:05:12,228 --> 00:05:16,274
Gah! These are drier
than a Charles Grodin quip.

123
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(foreboding music)

124
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:21,029
What monster,
or pair of monsters,

125
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,114
would steal
our extinguishers?

126
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:27,118
If this works, I’ll go faster
than any ten-year-old

127
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has ever gone.

128
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,545
Whoa!

129
00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:39,047
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

130
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:42,592
(dramatic music)

131
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:47,055
Oh, the flames are heading
straight for the Flammable
District!

132
00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,724
That’s where
our mom works!

133
00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:50,641
(screaming)

134
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,477
My last words are "Lisa sucks!"

135
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:56,689
(heroic brass music)

136
00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:06,699
That boy is a hero!

137
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:09,118
Let’s get hoisting!

138
00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,245
ALL:
Bart! Bart! Bart!

139
00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:12,372
(pleased chuckle)

140
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,499
Young man,
to show our gratitude,

141
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:17,293
the City of Springfield
will grant you one wish.

142
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,546
Really? Hmm.

143
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,673
(joyful music)

144
00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:26,135
(satisfied sigh)

145
00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,144
(cool jazz music)

146
00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:38,940
(crowd cheering)

147
00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:40,525
That’s it!
I want a license!

148
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:41,484
To kill?

149
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:42,944
No. To drive.

150
00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:44,654
Suit yourself.

151
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,365
Do you wish
to be an organ donor?

152
00:06:47,448 --> 00:06:50,326
No way! I don’t want my guts
touching some sick guy.

153
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,245
Well, you make a good point.

154
00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:56,749
-ALL: Oh, yeah.
-I agree.

155
00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,837
Oh, this is a bad time for me
to have massive organ failure.

156
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:01,879
(chuckling)

157
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,716
Where do you
think you’re going?

158
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:06,801
(nervous screeching)

159
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,222
(cool jazz music)

160
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:14,725
Oh, I can’t believe
this day is already here.

161
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:17,437
Me taking you for your
first driving lesson.

162
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:19,772
Hey! That jerk
cut us off.

163
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,024
Pull alongside.

164
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,152
Eat Marshall Tucker,
idiot!

165
00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,195
(grunting)

166
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,905
MARGE:
Homer? Is that you?

167
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:29,073
(yelps):
Floor it!

168
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,869
("Jessica" by The Allman
Brothers playing)

169
00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,541
(school bell ringing)

170
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:43,671
♪♪

171
00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:46,299
(tires screeching)

172
00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:48,634
(panicked shrieks and yells)

173
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,136
(groaning)

174
00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:54,765
(shrieks)

175
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:03,065
The Hitachees
invented women’s lacrosse...

176
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,358
soft luggage...

177
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:05,818
(interested murmuring)

178
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,111
And that thing
where you’re walking

179
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,154
and someone’s
walking towards you

180
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:09,697
and you each try to step aside

181
00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:11,574
but you both go the same way
and you do it again and again

182
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,409
until one of you
just scoots around?

183
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,412
They had seven names for that.

184
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:20,082
Whoa, you just
blew my mind!

185
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,168
Uh, thank you and good night.

186
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,253
AUDIENCE:
Yay!

187
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,671
Show’s over.
Let’s go.

188
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:26,547
What’s your hurry?

189
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,424
Well, some of my report...

190
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,551
um... wasn’t thoroughly
fact-checked.

191
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:31,552
(nervous giggle)

192
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:32,803
(laughs)

193
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:36,224
My little girl’s
just like CBS News.

194
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,142
Lisa, it was
wonderful!

195
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,395
I am such a proud
Hitachee mother.

196
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,523
Lisa, hi, my name is
John Squawking Bear.

197
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,441
I’m a reporter for
<i>The Chippewa Bugle.</i>

198
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,818
I happen to have today’s.

199
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:50,321
You know, uh, I thought I
knew all the lost tribes.

200
00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:51,531
I’ve never heard
of the Hitachee.

201
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:52,865
(giggles nervously)

202
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:54,700
Yes, we’re among the lostest.

203
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,160
Uh-huh. Where
were you centered?

204
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,704
Centered. Centered...

205
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:01,499
You know where the four
states come together?

206
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:02,708
Oh, quite well.

207
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,335
Not there.
Not even close.

208
00:09:04,418 --> 00:09:07,421
In the name of the Great Turtle,
will you answer the question?

209
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:13,219
We were south... west of...
North Dakota-lahoma.

210
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:14,345
Hmm.

211
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:16,556
Very good.

212
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,474
Well, I better
get to my office

213
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,018
before my boss,
Screaming Editor, gets mad.

214
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,771
I kid, but he’s
a real jerk.

215
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:25,982
(gulps)

216
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,149
Hey, guys. See you in a bit.

217
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,693
I entered a thousand-mile
Baja Road race.

218
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:30,319
Hold on there, boy.

219
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,904
If you wanna keep
using that car,

220
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,489
you’d better start
pullin’ your weight.

221
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,283
This cell phone is
so I can call you

222
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,535
whenever I need your
driving services.

223
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:39,620
I put in my
own ringtone!

224
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:42,164
("Fur Elise" blaring)

225
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,457
Hello, Bart?

226
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:47,169
Now, listen. I need you
to go the gas station.

227
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,755
Tell them you need
to inflate your tires,

228
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:53,593
but actually you inflate
these volleyballs.

229
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:56,637
Then, throw them over
the wall of the prison

230
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,307
to create chaos
and confusion.

231
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,855
("Fur Elise" blaring)

232
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,189
H-Hello?

233
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,567
<i>HOMER </i>(drunk):
<i>Bart! Buddy!</i>

234
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,110
<i>It’s your dad!</i>

235
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:12,820
<i>I need a ride.</i>

236
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:15,573
I think I’m in Chinatown.

237
00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:17,617
Not our Chinatown.

238
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,784
LISA:
Slow down!

239
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,953
You’re too close
to that car.

240
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:24,373
Your hands should be at ten and
two, not three and nothing!

241
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,626
You know, it’d
be a real shame

242
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:31,255
if someone started
investigating your
"Indian heritage."

243
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:32,214
I’ll be good.

244
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,799
("Fur Elise" blaring)

245
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,051
Oh, man.

246
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:35,926
What now?

247
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:39,096
<i>Boy, I don’t want</i>
<i>to freak you out,</i>

248
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,099
<i>but I’m calling</i>
<i>from inside the trunk.</i>

249
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,267
(thumping)

250
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:44,602
<i>That was me.</i>

251
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:47,605
<i>Some very un-cool people</i>
<i>put me in here.</i>

252
00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:49,106
(motor revving)

253
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:50,775
This sucks.

254
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:51,984
I can’t do anything fun

255
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,903
’cause I’m doing so many
stupid errands.

256
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,863
("Fur Elise" blaring)

257
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:58,866
Shut up, shut up, shut up!

258
00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:00,201
HOMER:
Ah! It’s dark in here!

259
00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:03,245
Oh, I gotta get outta
this town for a while.

260
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,331
Time to put the pedal
to the metal.

261
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:10,544
(War’s "Lowrider" plays)

262
00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:17,968
Ooh, North Haverbrook.

263
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,763
The very name conjures up
romance and intrigue.

264
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:33,693
(bell rings)

265
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:37,279
Wow, a mint condition
Hippie Hulk from 1968!

266
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,324
<i>Tune in, turn on, Hulk out!</i>

267
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:43,619
Oh, man, this town’s
got everything!

268
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,372
<i>Hey, hey, LBJ, how many pants</i>
<i>you rip today?</i>

269
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,457
(growl)

270
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,252
<i>♪ Gonna rock around</i>
<i>the clock tonight ♪</i>

271
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:53,879
<i>♪ Gonna rock, rock, rock</i>
<i>till broad daylight ♪</i>

272
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,799
<i>♪ Gonna rock, gonna rock</i>
<i>around the clock tonight ♪</i>

273
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,510
♪♪

274
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,766
Any of you ladies
like <i>stereo </i>music?

275
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,437
I do.

276
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,691
You look kinda young.

277
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:14,775
Uh... Yeah.

278
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:17,653
I have that disease that
makes you look like an old man,

279
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,739
but they gave me medicine
for it and I took too much.

280
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:22,742
That’s cool.
I’m Darcy.

281
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,493
I’m Bart Simpson,
who the hell are you?

282
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,120
Oh, right. (chuckles)
Darcy.

283
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,956
(romantic accordion music)

284
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:33,461
(both laughing)

285
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,884
("Fur Elise" blaring)

286
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:41,969
<i>HOMER: Bart! This is a matter</i>
<i>of life and death.</i>

287
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:45,598
<i>What is the difference</i>
<i>between ketchup and catsup?</i>

288
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:47,725
<i>They’re gonna cut</i>
<i>my head off...</i>

289
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,852
(both laughing)

290
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,652
<i>Kyle, are you sure we</i>
<i>should be making out</i>

291
00:12:58,736 --> 00:12:59,737
<i>in this abandoned</i>
<i>sawmill?</i>

292
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,197
<i>Lighten up, baby.</i>

293
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,200
<i>There hasn’t been a murder</i>
<i>here in ten years.</i>

294
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,534
<i>Ten years tonight.</i>

295
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,621
(chainsaw buzzing)

296
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:09,663
<i>GIRL:</i>
<i>It’s the kid we locked</i>

297
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,874
<i>in the cemetery</i>
<i>in the first grade!</i>

298
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:13,959
<i>BOY:</i>
<i>Hey, what are you gonna do</i>
<i>with that chainsaw, dork?</i>

299
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,545
(chainsaw buzzing,
couple screaming)

300
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,963
(screaming)

301
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,468
I really like you, Bart.

302
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,762
That is such a girl
thing to say.

303
00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,556
(smooching)

304
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,600
<i>So, Doctor, was</i>
<i>it all a dream.</i>

305
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,769
(buzzing, screaming)

306
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:39,735
(romantic French music playing)

307
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,409
Bart, let’s get married.

308
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,161
(gulps):
What?!

309
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,204
Why not?

310
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:51,163
We’ve made out.

311
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:52,748
It’s not right to make
out with somebody

312
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,750
if you have no intention
of marrying them.

313
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,585
I mean, you’re not
a jerk, right?

314
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,213
(gulps): No, I’m not, but...

315
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:01,173
Then it’s settled.
(smooches)

316
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,509
<i>Oh, man, I must be</i>
<i>the first guy</i>

317
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:05,010
<i>who was ever pressured</i>
<i>into marriage.</i>

318
00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:06,887
(foreboding music)

319
00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:16,939
Look, Darcy,
I like you.

320
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,358
I really do.
It’s just...

321
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:20,985
I’m only ten years old.

322
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:22,111
Wha?!

323
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:24,572
I’m really sorry.

324
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,741
Bart, I’ve been keeping
a secret from you, too.

325
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:28,993
I’m pregnant.

326
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:34,039
(engine grinding)

327
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:36,876
(engine grinding)

328
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,794
(groans)

329
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:39,837
(engine grinds)

330
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,218
I’m going to be a father?!

331
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:48,053
What?! No!

332
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,430
You couldn’t be
the father.

333
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,140
We never
got close to that.

334
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:52,516
Really?
We didn’t?

335
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,269
But we kissed and held
hands at the same time.

336
00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:57,479
Wow, you really
are ten.

337
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,106
I thought you were just
kind of stupid.

338
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,317
I’m ten and stupid.

339
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,111
Look, if I’m not the
father, then who is?

340
00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:06,155
A Norwegian
exchange student.

341
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,199
He’s long gone,
back to Norwegia.

342
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:12,286
I wanted you to marry me
so my baby would have a dad.

343
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:13,829
I’m very religious
that way.

344
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,332
How religious can you be
if you’re pregnant?

345
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,458
Good answer.

346
00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:18,959
(sobs)

347
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,253
Marrying you
was my only hope.

348
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,797
When my parents find out,
they’re gonna kill me.

349
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:26,508
(sobbing)

350
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:30,554
Look, Darcy, maybe there’s
still a way we can get married.

351
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,513
How?

352
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,765
You’re just a kid!

353
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,558
Maybe I shouldn’t be
telling you this,

354
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,061
but there is a state
where the marriage laws

355
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:38,896
are a little looser.

356
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:39,855
Utah.

357
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:40,940
Utah?

358
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,274
Home of America’s
most powerful weirdos?

359
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,402
Our lives could be
so wonderful there.

360
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,530
(serene music)

361
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:55,955
(gargling)

362
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:01,752
Oh, Bart.

363
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:03,504
You are an extreme husband

364
00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:05,297
and an extreme father.

365
00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,050
Awesome!

366
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:11,512
(tense Native American music)

367
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:20,187
The people of my tribe lived
in harmony with the land.

368
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,690
Eating mock buffalo steaks
made from

369
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,067
peaceful turnip roots,

370
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,277
uh, they...

371
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,570
Environment...

372
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,782
uh, dignity...

373
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:33,701
Corn god...

374
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:36,161
(groans):
I’m sorry, I can’t do this!

375
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,287
I made it all up!

376
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,081
There is no Hitachee tribe.

377
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,666
I took the name
from my microwave.

378
00:16:40,749 --> 00:16:42,251
(crowd murmuring)

379
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,462
But surely you can forgive
a little girl who...

380
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:46,505
(screams)

381
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:48,257
Wait, wait.

382
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:49,800
Although she is not
one of our people,

383
00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,969
this young lady
has shown the courage

384
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,887
we Native Americans cherish.

385
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,889
And who can blame her
for wanting to be one of us?

386
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:59,226
We have a noble heritage
and cheekbones to die for.

387
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,811
(cheering)

388
00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:02,187
I’m not Native American, either.

389
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:03,480
I just ski a lot.

390
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,606
(crowd gasps)

391
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:05,858
I’m Japanese.

392
00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,317
Well, I’m an Aborigine.

393
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,945
I’m two midgets
in a costume.

394
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,241
What?
Not you, Fibbing Bear?!

395
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:17,036
(clamoring)

396
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,581
You know, my great-great
grandmother <i>was </i>an Indian.

397
00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:22,750
I guess I should’ve
mentioned that before, huh?

398
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,084
Yes, you should have!

399
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:25,085
(screams)

400
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,130
Bart, sweetie.

401
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:29,965
I need some
strawberries.

402
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,967
Mm-hmm. I bet they
sell them in Utah.

403
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,053
Bart, I need
some strawberries.

404
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,345
Right now.

405
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:36,805
We’re in the middle
of the desert.

406
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,849
I need strawberries!

407
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,184
BART:
Take my wife...

408
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,560
please.

409
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:43,604
Hey, I finally get that joke.

410
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,064
-(smack)
-Ow!

411
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:49,651
I just found this note
in Bart’s room.

412
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,237
"Dear Mom and Dad,
me and my girlfriend Darcy

413
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,156
have gone to Utah
to get married.

414
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:56,617
FYI: she’s pregnant."

415
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,036
(chuckling):
Oh.

416
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,038
Simpson men get the job done.

417
00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:02,039
(groans)

418
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,083
It’s a tragedy,
a real tragedy.

419
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,293
I mean, what kind of tramp
gets knocked up

420
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:07,961
before she’s even married?

421
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,505
I did.

422
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,799
I mean in this day and age,

423
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:14,927
when the link between sex
and pregnancy has been proven

424
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,930
so... conclusively...

425
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:20,307
in <i>Scientific American,</i>
where...

426
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:27,606
Okay, we can trace
where the kids are

427
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,983
by the charges
they made on your card.

428
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:33,445
In Colorado, they charged
$200 worth of bubble gum.

429
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:34,488
Actually,

430
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:37,366
that was me.

431
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:39,785
"Dingle’s Berries"
in Provo, Utah?

432
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,245
Why would I go to Utah?

433
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,747
I love booze,
caffeine and monogamy.

434
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,667
Then that must be it.

435
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:49,211
Our daughter says she’s
run off with your son.

436
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,838
Did she mention
she was knocked up?

437
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,548
-No!
-Oops! Sorry for the spoiler.

438
00:18:57,469 --> 00:19:00,347
So how many brides will you
be marrying today, Mr. Simpson?

439
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:01,223
Just one.

440
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:02,599
(scoffs):
What are you, gay?

441
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,644
Stop the wedding!

442
00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:08,105
Bart, you’re too young
to get married.

443
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:11,024
You still make me check
the closet for the boogeyman.

444
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,318
Well, maybe I found
someone else to do it for me.

445
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,487
Someone who will do
a more thorough job.

446
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:17,197
I don’t care
how young he is,

447
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,950
he took advantage of a girl
five years older than him.

448
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:22,911
Utah karate!

449
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:27,791
(intense drum music)

450
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:28,959
(grunts)

451
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:32,171
(groans)

452
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,589
Dad, lay off
the Bartman.

453
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:34,798
He’s not the father.

454
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,383
I just wanted to marry him,

455
00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:38,343
so you and Mom
wouldn’t be ashamed of me.

456
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,595
Ashamed?

457
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,180
I’m thrilled...

458
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,557
because I’m gonna
have a baby, too!

459
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,309
CROWD:
Aw...

460
00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:48,228
We can lie to the neighbors
and tell them they’re twins.

461
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:49,897
Awesome idea, Dad.

462
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,274
I guess this is
the end for us, Bart.

463
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:53,734
Thanks for everything.

464
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:55,652
Darcy, in 50 years,

465
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,571
you might see me
walking down the street

466
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,823
and you’ll wonder,
"Is that Bart?"

467
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,658
And I’ll go...
(armpit farts)

468
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,118
and you’ll know.

469
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,828
BOTH: (giggling)

470
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:09,208
You know,
I thought Darcy and I

471
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:11,168
would be like
a real married couple.

472
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:14,379
Instead we just ended up
fighting all the time.

473
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:17,090
Uh yeah, how ’bout that?

474
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:18,884
You know, for a while,

475
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,637
I was kind of looking
forward to being a dad.

476
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,515
Son, one day you’re going
to be a great father.

477
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,850
Aw...

478
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,644
And someday
you’ll be one, too.

479
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:30,020
Thanks, boy.

480
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:31,563
(chuckles jovially)

481
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,733
Hey, for old time’s sake,
you want to drive me around

482
00:20:34,816 --> 00:20:37,527
while I sing public domain songs
out the window?

483
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:38,528
You got it.

484
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,155
<i>♪ Twinkle, twinkle ♪</i>

485
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,074
<i>♪ Little star ♪</i>

486
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:45,244
<i>♪ How I wonder what you are ♪</i>

487
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:49,081
Captioned by VISUAL DATA

488
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,961
♪♪

489
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,250
Shh!

490
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:37,671
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem