1 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,256 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:07,841 (tires screech) 3 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:10,593 D’oh! 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:11,511 (screams) 5 00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:12,595 (tires screech) 6 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:29,404 {\an8}(wind blowing) 7 00:00:29,487 --> 00:00:30,655 {\an8}(British accent): Oh, hello. 8 00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:33,199 {\an8}I’m documentary filmmaker Declan Desmond. 9 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,326 32 years ago I interviewed 10 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:38,038 a group of Springfield schoolchildren. 11 00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:39,914 (laughter, indistinct talking) 12 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:42,542 (gulping) 13 00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:45,378 DECLAN: These children ran the gamut of society: 14 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,797 rich and poor, black and white, 15 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,426 "he’ll grow into his looks" and "forever hideous." 16 00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:55,513 {\an8}My dad was a circus freak, but my mom don’t remember which one. 17 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,891 {\an8}I like to think it was a little bit of all of them. 18 00:00:57,974 --> 00:01:00,477 {\an8}DECLAN: Every eight years, I revisited those children, 19 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,480 creating a cinematic chronicle of their lives. 20 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:06,858 Join me, won’t you, to see dreams dissolve 21 00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:08,610 like a muffin in the rain in... 22 00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:11,196 {\an8}In (reading): 23 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:12,280 (fanfare plays) 24 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:18,703 {\an8}What does the future hold for these children? 25 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,414 {\an8}Will he grow up to work in a robot factory? 26 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:24,292 Will she be the receptionist for a robot businessman? 27 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:27,337 And will he be a crusader for robo-sexual rights? 28 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:31,091 {\an8}I say, "yes," "no," and "yes." 29 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:32,675 {\an8}Whee! 30 00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:38,807 {\an8}DECLAN: So, Lenny, what have we here? 31 00:01:38,890 --> 00:01:41,726 {\an8}My daddy said I can have any birthday party I want. 32 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,561 {\an8}My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur 33 00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:44,979 {\an8}and all the guests will say, 34 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,023 {\an8}"Why, Lenny, that’s a fine cake!" 35 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:49,442 {\an8}Then, "Yes," I’ll say. 36 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:53,530 {\an8}DECLAN: I decided not to waste any more film on him after that. 37 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,741 {\an8}I wish for world peace. 38 00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,036 {\an8}I wish for world war. 39 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,621 {\an8}Oh, yeah, that would be cooler. 40 00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:02,747 {\an8}(grunts) 41 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,332 {\an8}I wish when I grow up, 42 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:07,127 {\an8}I’ll be richer than everybody! 43 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,254 {\an8}(laughing) 44 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,131 I will! I will be rich! 45 00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:13,550 {\an8}I’ll own a football team and a basketball team 46 00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:14,968 {\an8}and I’ll make them play baseball! 47 00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:20,390 {\an8}But what became of these wide-eyed naives? 48 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:24,352 {\an8}Let’s begin by following the life of little Clancy Wiggum. 49 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:26,396 {\an8}Bang-bang! Bang! 50 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:27,939 {\an8}Freeze, robber, freeze! 51 00:02:28,022 --> 00:02:29,023 Bang, bang, bang! 52 00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:30,275 (screaming) 53 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,402 {\an8}It hurts! It hurts so bad! 54 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,195 {\an8}Please, just put one in my brain! 55 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:35,280 {\an8}(sighs) 56 00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:36,322 {\an8}Okay. 57 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,032 {\an8}Uh, bang. 58 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:39,742 {\an8}(groaning): Thank you. 59 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:42,412 {\an8}As hall monitor, I am the law. 60 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:43,830 {\an8}No running in the hall. 61 00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:45,039 No running in the hall. 62 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,291 Ah, no running in the hall. 63 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,709 Hey, detention bird! 64 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:49,586 Thanks for not running in the hall. 65 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:51,087 (muffled yelling) 66 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,463 Go, Wildcats. 67 00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:54,757 (gunshots) 68 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,053 {\an8}DECLAN: At 24, Clancy Wiggum 69 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,723 {\an8}was accepted into the police academy. 70 00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:03,057 {\an8}(clicking) 71 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,642 {\an8}Hmm... 72 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,563 {\an8}Wiggum! 73 00:03:08,646 --> 00:03:11,858 What did I tell you about pointsy-towardsies?! 74 00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,860 You seem a little cranky, Commandant. 75 00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:15,778 A back rub’ll set you right. 76 00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:17,363 There we go. 77 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,199 Ooh... okay. 78 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,201 Don’t be afraid to dig in there good! 79 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,203 (gunshot, thump) 80 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:26,706 Hey, what’s the matter, buddy? Need a backrub? 81 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,167 DECLAN: At 32, Officer Wiggum 82 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:32,921 had found the fast track to becoming chief. 83 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,923 Oh, yeah, oh, that’s the stuff. 84 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:37,008 Thanks for giving me an 8:30 appointment. 85 00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:38,718 You are a lifesaver. 86 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:43,014 You know, uh, if I was Chief, I could give you 8:30 every day. 87 00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:44,307 I don’t have the authority to... 88 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,142 Oh... oh... 89 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,435 I’ll make it happen. 90 00:03:48,436 --> 00:03:50,688 And here we are in now-times. 91 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:54,108 As you can see, I’ve gotten everything I’ve ever wanted. 92 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,360 Except pants that fit. 93 00:03:55,443 --> 00:03:57,987 I told you that if I let you in this movie 94 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:58,988 you couldn’t make fun of me. 95 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,366 I’m not making fun of you. I’m making fun of your pants. 96 00:04:01,449 --> 00:04:03,660 Well, how’d you like it if I made fun of your pants? 97 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:04,661 Go ahead. 98 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,496 Well, they’re a little, uh... 99 00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:07,789 They-they, uh... 100 00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,165 Oh, they’re perfect. 101 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,043 {\an8}When I grow up, I’ll have a giant mansion, 102 00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:15,296 {\an8}my own pinball machine with infinity quarters, 103 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,799 eight pairs of peanut butter and jelly pajamas... 104 00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:19,550 How many wishes do I have left? 105 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,094 DECLAN: None. You never had any. 106 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:22,387 I’m not a genie. 107 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:23,221 D’oh! 108 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:26,099 Homer, your dreams will take a lot of money. 109 00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:27,433 Don’t look at me. Look at the camera. 110 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:28,268 Got it. 111 00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:29,435 I said, look at the camera. 112 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:30,311 No problem. 113 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,980 Now you’re looking at a mud puddle. 114 00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,022 That’s your hand. 115 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,691 That’s the production accountant. 116 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:35,817 That’s your other hand. 117 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,652 Do you even know what a camera is? 118 00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:39,570 Well, of cour... No. 119 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,823 I’m gonna put this squeaky toy 120 00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:43,533 on top of the camera. 121 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:44,534 (squeaking) 122 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,619 (giggles): Squeaky! Squeaky! 123 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:47,954 Squeaky, squeaky! 124 00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:49,414 Squeaky, squeaky, squeaky! 125 00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:51,791 {\an8}DECLAN: Unsurprisingly, by age 24, 126 00:04:51,874 --> 00:04:55,128 {\an8}Homer’s dreams of wealth had not come to fruition. 127 00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:56,796 Manure for sale! 128 00:04:56,879 --> 00:04:58,631 Get your manure! 129 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,633 Loamiest in town! 130 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,343 Hey, the manure dealership 131 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:04,387 is just one of the things I got going. 132 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:08,683 I also have a sweet gig as an infomercial question-asker. 133 00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:12,312 Um, I know Super Clean cleans, but does it scrub? 134 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:17,233 My garage band is getting so tight. 135 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,609 (guitar solo) 136 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:19,736 (drum solo) 137 00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,446 ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ 138 00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:23,197 (harmonica solo) 139 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,283 (panting) 140 00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,869 The album cover’s gonna be a naked girl 141 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:30,371 with stars for boobs. 142 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,623 And I do open-casket caricatures. 143 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:34,042 Did he have any hobbies? 144 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:35,793 Get out of here! 145 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,920 DECLAN: But Homer had found a peanut of hope 146 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,715 in his Cracker Jack box of despair. 147 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:45,762 Homer is so amazing! 148 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:50,475 He can chug a beer and pitch woo at the same time. 149 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:54,771 The light from your eyes could guide a ship at sea. 150 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,272 Eh? 151 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,691 DECLAN: Are you two considering children? 152 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,318 (scoffs): Kids? No way! 153 00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,862 You’ll never see a couple of rugrats tying me down! 154 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:04,989 {\an8}You better not put this shot 155 00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:07,158 {\an8}after the one where I said I won’t have kids. 156 00:06:07,241 --> 00:06:09,202 That would be a devastating edit. 157 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:11,746 Homer, your life is nothing to be ashamed of. 158 00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,331 You’ve got a loving family 159 00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:15,750 and a steady job at a nuclear power plant. 160 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:17,627 You’re not English Breakfast, 161 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:20,004 but you’re not Lapsang Soochong either. 162 00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,589 (fey laughter) 163 00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:22,924 Oh, yeah? 164 00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:24,592 Check with me in eight years, Dr. Who. 165 00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:28,262 I’ll be kickin’ your ass with a solid gold boot! 166 00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:32,600 Hmm... what’s changed for me since the last time I saw you? 167 00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:35,520 Only... everything! 168 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:37,313 DECLAN: I can’t believe it! 169 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,441 Homer Simpson... a bloody millionaire?! 170 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:42,026 Why do you sound so shocked? 171 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,694 This is our fifth take. 172 00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:50,368 Whee! 173 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,745 (laughing) 174 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:53,746 Now that I’m super-wealthy, 175 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,416 I can buy them whatever their hearts desire. 176 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:57,250 (chuckles) 177 00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,585 That’s why rich kids turn out so well. 178 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:00,920 (whooping) 179 00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:02,338 (laughing) 180 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,090 Mine has a cup holder. 181 00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:05,967 Bart, that’s a blowhole. 182 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:07,260 You’re a blowhole! 183 00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,679 (dolphin squealing) 184 00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:12,390 No, boy. Up, up, up! 185 00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:14,851 DECLAN: Well, Marge, you must be proud of your "Homie." 186 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:18,855 Oh, yes, I’m so proud, I feel my chest might burst. 187 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:22,316 Can you edit that? I don’t want to say "chest" in a movie. 188 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,068 You said it and it stays. 189 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,863 But I must know: How did Homer come so far 190 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,448 in eight short years? 191 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,408 {\an8}(mariachi band playing) 192 00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:33,369 This pays a lot better than you think. 193 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,538 {\an8}(speaking Spanish) 194 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:42,670 You see, Declan, I made my millions 195 00:07:42,753 --> 00:07:46,215 with a simple invention: the Condiment Pen! 196 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,050 Just click the buttons at the top, 197 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,637 and you can choose from ketchup, mustard, mayo and relish. 198 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:55,892 ♪ Do, do, do, do, do-do-do. ♪ 199 00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:59,562 (loud whisper): I got the idea from the regular pen. 200 00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:01,355 DECLAN: Can I use it on fish and chips? 201 00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:02,857 I don’t know. 202 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:05,026 You can put horseradish on your dead mother for all I care. 203 00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:09,197 The point is: I’m rich, rich, rich! 204 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:12,950 Just look-- my dog has his own Jacuzzi! 205 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,453 (yelping) 206 00:08:15,536 --> 00:08:17,079 (giggling) 207 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,706 He loves it! 208 00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:19,707 (yelps) 209 00:08:19,790 --> 00:08:21,667 DECLAN: You win, Homer. 210 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,378 I guess there’s no way I can embarrass you any further. 211 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:26,881 {\an8}(Declan chuckles) 212 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:32,178 {\an8}When I, um, grow up, I’m gonna be a rocket scientist! 213 00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:33,763 To Mars! 214 00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,056 Zoom. 215 00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,057 (grunts) 216 00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:37,850 Zoom. 217 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:38,893 (nervous cry) 218 00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,188 Ah, bullies approaching. 219 00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:44,190 Activate cloaking device. 220 00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,365 DECLAN: Professor Frink, you’ve become 221 00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:55,618 one of Springfield’s most renowned scientific minds. 222 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,828 -You discovered and cured Frink’s disease, -Uh-huh. 223 00:08:57,912 --> 00:09:00,122 created the element Frinkonium, 224 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,792 and invented the eight-month-after pill. 225 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,877 Yes, yes, all right. All of that means nothing, sir. 226 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:08,798 I’ve spent my whole life in the lab and never talked to a girl. 227 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:11,092 That’s why I built this time machine. 228 00:09:11,175 --> 00:09:13,135 I give you the chrono-trike! 229 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,804 Now, I’ll go back in time 230 00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,223 to tell myself to choose a different career, 231 00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:21,519 one where I’ll meet a female woman of the girl-u-lar variety. 232 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,566 (grunting) 233 00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,442 Have to get the speed going here. 234 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:29,986 (electrical zapping) 235 00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:32,488 (humming) 236 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,906 Listen to me, little Frink. 237 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,658 I am here to warn you... 238 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,368 (grunting and groaning) 239 00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:38,494 That was... 240 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,831 Hey, I’m still going, but... (groans) 241 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:43,249 (humming) 242 00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:45,251 Hey... cool! 243 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:48,796 {\an8}I want to be a lawyer and a doctor 244 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:51,048 {\an8}because a woman can do anything. 245 00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:53,551 DECLAN: At 24, Eleanor had graduated 246 00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:56,053 from Harvard Medical and Yale Law. 247 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:57,638 Your Honor, I’d like to request a continuance 248 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,807 so I can go deliver a baby. 249 00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:02,351 I love babies. I’ll allow it. 250 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,980 I’m a little burnt-out. 251 00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:07,732 So, sometimes-- don’t shoot me-- 252 00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:09,775 I have a glass of wine with Buster here. 253 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,235 (chuckles nervously) 254 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,487 He’s a real comfort. 255 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:14,780 I might even get a second cat. 256 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:18,618 (shrieking and muttering gibberish) 257 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:21,412 (cats yowling) 258 00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:23,331 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 259 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,707 DECLAN: Nice kitty. 260 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,127 {\an8}I like taking pictures. 261 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,506 Whee! 262 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,716 (camera shutter clicks) 263 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,968 Take my picture. Take my picture. 264 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,303 (grunts and groans) 265 00:10:37,386 --> 00:10:39,180 (camera shutter clicks) 266 00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:41,766 Aw, crap, my first kiss. 267 00:10:41,849 --> 00:10:43,476 You could do a lot worse, my friend. 268 00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:46,020 DECLAN: At age 16, 269 00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:49,231 Marge was the star photographer for her school newspaper. 270 00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:58,741 But her interests soon expanded beyond shutterbuggery. 271 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:02,286 The biggest change for me over the last eight years? 272 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,746 That’s got to be Homer. 273 00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:04,997 Marge, baby! 274 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,875 I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest. 275 00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:09,460 (chuckling) 276 00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:11,796 They had a sale on skulls. 277 00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:12,755 (murmurs awkwardly) 278 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:14,090 DECLAN: At 24, 279 00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,592 Marge’s photojournalistic dreams were, 280 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,303 shall we say, underdeveloped? 281 00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:22,056 I need one wallet-sized photo for my captain’s license. 282 00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,349 (sighs wearily) 283 00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:24,684 Coming right up. 284 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,686 Mind if I turn on a little music? 285 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,938 ("Disco Inferno" playing) 286 00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,314 It’s so danceable. 287 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:33,567 Nautical Stu loves disco music. 288 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,403 Ha, ha! 289 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:38,906 DECLAN: And the world welcomed Disco Stu. 290 00:11:38,989 --> 00:11:40,783 Ha, mm, yeah! 291 00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:41,951 (sighs) 292 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,704 I need a full-time job to support Homer 293 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:47,123 so he has time to work on his rock music, 294 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,166 his erotic etchings, 295 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:52,753 his Play-Doh Theater... 296 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:53,671 (sighs heavily) 297 00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:57,967 And yet look how things turned out. 298 00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:01,679 This overnight affluence must have come as a tremendous shock. 299 00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:03,139 Oh, yes, sir. 300 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:06,559 As shocks go, this one’s a real zaparoo. 301 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:09,562 Listen, something’s been piquing my curiosity. 302 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:13,149 Why is your medicine cabinet full of old man ointments? 303 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:15,735 Oh... mm-hmm. 304 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:20,281 -Well, yeah, the ointments, um.. -(door opens) 305 00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:23,200 (gasps): What are you people doing in my summer home? 306 00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:24,618 (stammering): Uh, oh, uh... 307 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,747 This is Eduardo, my pool boy. 308 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:30,332 He thinks he’s an angry, rich man. 309 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,752 I am an angry, rich man. 310 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,296 (loud whisper): That’s the pool chemicals talking. 311 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,510 Homer J. Simpson, 312 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:45,806 your fabulous millionaire lifestyle is all a lie. 313 00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:47,808 (a la Katharine Hepburn): Oh, Father, my pony Buttercup 314 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:49,435 can jump ever so high... 315 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:51,187 (normal voice): Hoo-boy, it’s Mr. Burns. 316 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,564 Please, Mr. Burns, pretend you work for me. 317 00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,900 You can have the boy. Just don’t beat him. 318 00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:58,152 (loud whisper): You can beat him. Just don’t leave marks. 319 00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:00,237 Shut up, you waste of skin and fat. 320 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,573 You’ve desecrated my every possession. 321 00:13:02,656 --> 00:13:03,741 Ugh! 322 00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:05,534 Eww! 323 00:13:07,703 --> 00:13:08,454 (muffled grunting) 324 00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:09,455 (sighs) 325 00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:11,040 (panting and groaning) 326 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,249 Oh, thank you, sir. 327 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,502 For three days I’ve had nothing to read 328 00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:16,337 but clock-setting instructions: 329 00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,798 "Using the suspension spring above the pendulum leader, 330 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:20,466 hang the pendulum on the pendulum guide..." 331 00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:21,383 (angry grunt) 332 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,302 Mr. Burns, we’re so sorry. 333 00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:25,179 The plan was just to use your backyard, 334 00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:26,972 and the next thing we know, 335 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,600 Mr. Smithers is tied up in a grandfather clock. 336 00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:30,810 Please get me out of here. 337 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:32,561 It’s 11:59:59. 338 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,272 (clock tolling 12 times as Smithers moans) 339 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,159 (exasperated grunt) 340 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,495 I’ve heard enough. 341 00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:52,331 Release the hounds. 342 00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:54,333 Uh, sir, your hounds are still at the winter house. 343 00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:58,212 Well, bring them over in the Durango. 344 00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,548 Shadow and Winston have been fighting a lot. 345 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,550 Huh, put Winston in the front. 346 00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,176 Winston doesn’t like the front. 347 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,428 Just do it. Do it. Do it now! 348 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:09,265 {\an8}(sipping) 349 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:10,724 {\an8}...and that’s how I got 350 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:12,935 the vending machine contract for the Kremlin. 351 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,937 (polite laughter) 352 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,022 (door opens, growling) 353 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,440 Sorry, sir. 354 00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,984 Traffic was a nightmare. 355 00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,862 Then I got caught in some kind of garlic festival. 356 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,321 (menacing): Release the hounds. 357 00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,073 (barking, screaming) 358 00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:27,783 HOMER: Stop it, Winston! 359 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:31,078 In the wake of this deception, I had two questions for Homer: 360 00:14:31,161 --> 00:14:34,248 "Why lie?" and "Lies... why?" 361 00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:36,000 But he seemed less than eager to meet. 362 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:37,668 Homer, I brought a squeaky! 363 00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:38,669 (squeaking) 364 00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:39,670 (shrieks) 365 00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,593 (toy squeaking) 366 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:48,429 (yelling) 367 00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,181 (toy squeaking) 368 00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:52,182 (yells) 369 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,519 (toy squeaking) 370 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,271 (shrieks, grunts) 371 00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:02,067 Ooh! Ah! Ah! 372 00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:04,028 Help! 373 00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:07,072 DECLAN: I realized that if this bunny was going to be boiled, 374 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:09,074 I would have to turn up the heat. 375 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,367 LENNY: There you are! 376 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,578 I’m ready for my segment. 377 00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:13,746 (chuckles): Lenny... 378 00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:16,248 always exciting to hear from you. 379 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,376 Did you ever try that new shampoo? 380 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,170 Nope, never did. 381 00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,341 Want to watch me pay my cable bill? 382 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,301 I got checks with butterflies on them. 383 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:30,804 I am interesting. 384 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:32,097 No, you’re not. 385 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,600 What do you want? 386 00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:36,727 Marge, can you just let me in for a minute? 387 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,479 We let you in 32 years ago 388 00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:40,814 and it’s brought us nothing but pain. 389 00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:43,150 Well, if you want, I can cut you out of the film. 390 00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:44,234 No, no, no, no, no! 391 00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:45,903 Let’s not get crazy. 392 00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:49,615 Then I just want to know why your husband did what he did. 393 00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,159 HOMER: I’ll tell you why. 394 00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:54,578 It’s been another eight years and what do I have? 395 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:57,706 Same job, same house, same dirty joke book. 396 00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:05,089 (weak laughter) 397 00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:08,008 I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie. 398 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:11,971 But all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good. 399 00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:14,264 Strong words from a dumpy man. 400 00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:15,516 And cut. 401 00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:17,768 Wait just a cotton-swabbing minute! 402 00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:21,271 A good man went to a lot of trouble just to impress you. 403 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:24,775 And I went along with it because I love him to pieces. 404 00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:27,528 And you made him look like a fool. 405 00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:29,822 Well, I don’t want you anywhere near my house! 406 00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:31,198 Now you can cut! 407 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,368 What’s the matter, Declan? 408 00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:35,744 Did a cop give you a ticket 409 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,079 for talking like a fruit? 410 00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,497 It’s the oddest thing. 411 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:39,790 I actually feel affection 412 00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:42,292 for these knuckle-dragging sub-monkeys. 413 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:44,461 I feel sorry for Homer Simpson. 414 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:46,422 What, have you been sipping cuckoo juice? 415 00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:47,923 Homer’s got it made. 416 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,591 He’s married to one hell of a woman. 417 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,343 All I’ve got is this porn channel 418 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,137 I’m too cheap to descramble. 419 00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,431 That’s an ad for shoe inserts. 420 00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:56,306 What the....? 421 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:58,100 I’ve been writing creepy letters to that? 422 00:16:58,183 --> 00:16:59,977 But what you said about Homer, it’s... 423 00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:02,104 it’s given me a brilliant idea! 424 00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:03,731 An action movie where I play the Pope 425 00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,190 who kills the president? 426 00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:06,608 No, that’s a terrible idea. 427 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:07,651 Yeah, I know. It’s stupid. 428 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:08,777 I think it could work, though. 429 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,572 I’ve even got a title: Pontiff No Return. 430 00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:13,866 I came up with it, but I don’t really get it. 431 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:17,161 DECLAN: The next day, I invited Homer to my editing bay. 432 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,126 Oh, my God, the view! 433 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:26,045 This makes it all worth it! 434 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:28,088 Yeah, it’s not so much fun when you’re blind. 435 00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,007 At least you made it up the mountain. 436 00:17:30,090 --> 00:17:31,300 No thanks to you two. 437 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:35,262 All right, you lured me to your bay. 438 00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:38,015 Now what sick game are you playing? 439 00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:39,767 I have some footage to show you. 440 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,101 O, spirit! 441 00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:42,978 Are you gonna show me my future? 442 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,731 My snow-flecked grave, mourned by no man? 443 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,608 Well, it’s not too late for me to change! 444 00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:48,817 You there, boy! 445 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,569 Buy me a Christmas goose! 446 00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:52,279 The biggest one in the shop! 447 00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:53,906 BOY (squeaky-voiced): And then what? 448 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:56,283 Homer, come over here and take a look at this. 449 00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,745 I’ve gone over 100,000 hours of Springfield footage-- 450 00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:03,415 twice-- and put together something you must see. 451 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:08,921 If I could trade lives with anybody, I’d pick Homer. 452 00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,506 Have you been to Homer’s house? 453 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,549 It’s got a back yard, a front yard... 454 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,967 The place is like yard city! 455 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,219 I love his laugh. 456 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:18,347 He picked the perfect time to lock in his mortgage. 457 00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:21,391 He’s the kindest, sweetest, most generous man 458 00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,185 ever to drive through my living room. 459 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,562 I’ll pay for most of this! 460 00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:29,024 He may not be perfect, but he’s my dad. 461 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,568 Homer gave me a kidney. 462 00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:34,905 It wasn’t his, I didn’t need it, and it came postage due, 463 00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:37,533 but still, a lovely gesture. 464 00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,701 I like when Daddy’s out of work 465 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,787 ’cause he can spend more time with me. 466 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:48,752 At bedtime, he tucks me in tighter than anyone else could. 467 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,254 And you know what? 468 00:18:50,337 --> 00:18:52,840 No monsters have gotten me yet. 469 00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:54,091 Wow... 470 00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:56,593 I have a pretty good life after all. 471 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:59,138 Homer! Don’t kill the foreign man! 472 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:00,597 (chuckling): Relax, Marge. 473 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,516 I wasn’t gonna kill him. 474 00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:07,855 All those years I was dreaming of other things, 475 00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,691 I was actually doing what I really wanted: 476 00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:14,236 hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, 477 00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:18,407 making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking. 478 00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:21,285 Marge, you’re my real dream come true. 479 00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:24,079 And I get to live you every day. 480 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,081 Oh, Homie! 481 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,459 You make each eight-year interval better than the last! 482 00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:31,712 Oh... 483 00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:35,257 So, Homer, are you at peace with your lot in life? 484 00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:36,717 Absolutely. 485 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:38,844 Hey, is that a mixing board? 486 00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:40,137 Uh, no, no. It’s something else. 487 00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:41,138 Yes, it is. 488 00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:42,681 Look, I need to lay down some tracks. 489 00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:45,017 I’m making a demo tape. 490 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,686 By the time you come back in eight years, 491 00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:50,230 I’ll be the world’s richest rock star! 492 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,149 One, two, three, four... 493 00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:53,442 ♪ Satan, you’re my lady ♪ 494 00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:56,153 ♪ Stick me with your pitchfork thing ♪ 495 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,115 ♪ Satan, you’re my lady ♪ 496 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:03,076 ♪ Stick me with your pitchfork thing ♪ 497 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:07,831 ♪ All night long ♪ 498 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:10,125 ♪ Yeah, yeah, girl ♪ 499 00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:14,546 ♪ Smother me with your beezle boobs ♪ 500 00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,925 ♪ ’Cause I’m a rock ’n’ roll hero ♪ 501 00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:23,180 ♪ With a motorcycle made of fire called the Flame Mobile ♪ 502 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:26,350 -♪ Flame Mobile ♪ -(electrical zapping) 503 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,143 ♪ Satan, you’re my lady ♪ 504 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,062 ♪ Stick me with your pitchfork thing ♪ 505 00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:32,189 Come on, Declan. Join me. 506 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:34,149 ♪ Shoobie-doobie-do-wa ♪ 507 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,567 -No! -♪ Woobie-shoobie-do-wa ♪ 508 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:37,361 -Those aren’t the lyrics! -What? 509 00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:38,946 -"Satan, you’re my lady." -Oh! 510 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:40,280 ♪ Satan, you’re my lady ♪ 511 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,950 ♪ Stick me with your pitchfork thing ♪ 512 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,619 -♪ Shoobie-do-wa, shoobie-do-wa ♪ -I think I’ll keep that in. 513 00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:46,453 Stop. 514 00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:47,996 I don’t really know much about this rock and roll thing. 515 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,165 Oh, you could have fooled me! 516 00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,167 -I think I can do one more, though. -All right. 517 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,585 ♪ Satan, you’re my lady ♪ 518 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,587 ♪ Stick me with your pitchfork thing ♪ 519 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:57,923 ♪ Shoobie-do-wa, shoobie-do-wa ♪ 520 00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:00,384 -♪ All night long ♪ -♪ All night long ♪ 521 00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:02,636 -♪ Yeah, yeah, girl ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ 522 00:21:02,719 --> 00:21:04,429 Don’t quit your day job. 523 00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:05,847 All right. That’s it. 524 00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:11,853 {\an8}Captioned by VISUAL DATA 525 00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:53,812 Shh! 526 00:21:56,773 --> 00:21:58,734 {\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem