CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(tires screeching)
D’oh!
(screams)
( Bonanza theme plays)
Okay, everyone, straight ahead is my big surprise!
(grunting, thumping)
(groaning)
Look out for the stairs.
(all moaning)
ALL: Whoa! Ooh.
(train whistle blows)
You redid the basement!
Whoa... feel the pile on this shag!
Whoa, baby!
Will you look at that paneling?
I feel like I’m back in wooden times!
Check out this pinball machine!
"Chevy Chase in Foul Play."
Pinball, eh? I’ve always wanted to try this.
(bells dinging)
Wow, the graphics are amazing.
That ball almost seems real!
This basement is a wonderful gift to the family.
But how could you afford it?
Marge, we’re not going to have to worry about money ever again,
because I’ve got a plan.
I’d like to declare bankruptcy, please.
Mr. Simpson, do you understand how bankruptcy works?
Yes I do. Under Chapter 13 of the fiscal code,
an individual whose debts exceed his assets
may file for bankruptcy, thus protecting said assets.
-That was the old bankruptcy law. -Huh?
Under the new law, you have to pay your creditors everything.
What the...? But I thought bankruptcy was the cool law!
The one that says "Dude, don’t worry about it. I got this."
Mr. Simpson, I’m afraid this court must appoint
a financial officer to supervise repayment of your debts.
Hmm...
Permission to moan?
I’ll allow it.
(anguished moan)
ACCOUNTANT: Mr. Simpson,
among the expenses the court deems frivolous,
you throw over $1,000 a month into local wishing wells.
Of course, you idiot,
’cause I’m wishing for more money.
Uh-huh. Well, you’re gonna have to make
some serious cutbacks to your expenses.
Three subscriptions to Vanity Fair?
I’ve got three bathrooms, don’t I?
$500 a month to Totalpoker.com?
Shut up! It’s an instructional website!
Shut up!
Give it here, I’ll find some fat we can trim.
Ah, here you go...
a giant useless expense for something
that no one is interested in.
(grumbling, struggling)
I don’t want to leave!
You promised me I could die here!
No, no. This place is too expensive.
I saw you doing a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle in there.
(grunting)
Come on, Dad, I’m cutting back everywhere.
To save gas, I’m Flintstone-ing the car.
( Flintstones’ running sound effect)
(grunting)
(straining)
Yabba...
dabba...
do...!
Ping!
-Pong! -Ping!
Pong!
Scram, you two!
This is my bedroom now!
No way, this is our rec room!
Not anymore. I already put my posters up.
-(Ragtime music playing) -(Grampa chuckling)
(Flanders humming)
Hey, Mr. Flanders, what’d you get?
Some kind of bible garbage?
Oh, I wish!
No, these are complimentary boxes from the shipping company.
Could a kid like me get these boxes,
then use them for whatever he wanted?
(laughs): Only if he fibbed about
his name, age, and occupation on this automated 800 number.
Why don’t you put this box by your phone
-so you don’t call the number by accident. -Oh, I won’t.
(evil chuckle)
Nothing like un-tossing a leftover salad.
It’ll be like new!
(humming)
Whoa. What the heck are these?
Those are my medical samples!
Hands off, you big blue Buttinski!
(groans)
Blood, bile, spinal fluid,
blood, other, phlegm,
miscellaneous ooze...
(groans)
Grampa’s driving me crazy.
Why are you telling me? He’s your father-in-law.
Can we at least get out of the house for an evening?
Sure, but I think you’re exaggerating the problem.
I’m scared. Can I sleep across you?
(snoring)
(groans)
(doorbell chimes)
What are you doing here, Patty or Selma?
I invited Selma here
to watch Grandpa watch the kids.
For some reason, she doesn’t trust him.
Maybe it’s the bang-up job he did raising you.
He was a great Dad.
Every year he got so mad
when Santa didn’t bring me presents.
Um... lemon candy?
No thanks. I brought my own.
(noisy sucking)
(noisy sucking continues)
I know what you’re wondering.
How come a single woman with so much to offer
is alone on a Saturday night.
I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.
(dejected sigh)
My numbers don’t get called much these days.
You’re kidding.
A sweet young thing like you?
Wow, that’s the first time anyone’s ever
put an adjective before calling me a thing.
You know, I was voted best kisser in my P.O.W. camp.
Hmm...
SELMA (voice over): Well, if he dies in my arms,
I could meet a cute paramedic.
ABE: All right, lips, man your kissing stations.
This is not a drill.
(klaxon blaring)
Well, here we are home early.
Yeah, and the great prices at that new rib joint
were the surprise of the evening.
(erotic moaning)
(gasping)
Ah! A bear is eating my father!
I’m Selma.
Ah! A talking bear is eating my father!
Dad, do you know what you were kissing?
Do you? Do you?
Yeah, I know who I was kissing,
and I also know why.
I’m a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories.
Well, I never, ever want to see that again.
Ah, the hell with you.
I just might ask that Selma girl out,
and you can’t tell me not to.
My roof, my rules!
Oh, why did I borrow that roof from him?
So exactly what company am I giving these free boxes to?
Uh... the name of the company is...
Dog Incorporated.
Uh-huh.
Are you run by dogs or for dogs?
Actually, don’t answer.
I like not knowing.
Now we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes.
As always, I have some ideas.
Hmm...
(laughing)
"Build a fart."
I love it.
Fort. That’s "build a fort."
That might work, too.
I’m glad you called.
This is really going to drive Homer crazy.
Well, actually,
the real reason I asked you out is because I’m...
well, I’m a little sweet on you.
Oh, listen, Abe, the other night was fun, but...
Ah, phooey on buts.
At my age, and with your drawbacks,
we can’t afford to miss an opportunity.
Why don’t we just spend some time together
and see where that takes us?
Yeah, what the hell?
Want to split a basket of garlic bread?
Slow down, you hussy.
♪ Is she really going out with him? ♪
♪ Is she really gonna take him home tonight? ♪
♪ Is she really going out with him? ♪
♪ Is she really gonna take him home tonight? ♪
♪ Is she really going out with him? ♪
♪ ’Cause if my eyes don’t deceive me ♪
♪ There’s something going wrong around here. ♪
Oh, look at Grampa and Selma frolicking in the water.
It’s not right.
It’s like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase
that fell out of a plane.
Be nice, Homer.
Don’t you see how great it is that they found each other?
Like how the parts of a pig nobody wants combine
to make a yummy hot dog.
Oh, now you’re dragging hot dogs into this.
Real classy, Marge.
Real classy.
Hey, Homer, that garbage barge is complaining
about your smell.
We wrote that joke in the water.
It wasn’t all frolicking.
(both laughing)
(groans)
How could my Dad go out with Selma?
Don’t those two gargoyles know that love
is for good-looking young people?
Well, gee, Homer, you, uh,
ain’t exactly open- casket material yourself.
(gasping): Words hurt, you know.
(sobbing)
They do.
Stupid Selma and Grampa.
How dare they find happiness.
Psst! Over here.
It’s me. Patty.
Oh, great.
Who are you in love with?
Bart?
Look, if you want to break up your Father and Selma,
I have a plan.
But it involves you.
Okay, but I’m not good at details.
Or the big picture.
I also show up late.
And drunk.
(whispering loudly): I’ve got a good feeling about this.
Lower the drawbridge!
What’s the password?
I love my sister.
(laughs)
Hey, you little brats.
Get down from those battlements!
Those boxes are for shipping,
not for creating a world of pure imagination.
Give them back.
Not till we’re bored with them. Now, begone!
(British accent): I shall go,
but I will return with an army of my brethren
and together we shall take back what is ours
and Hell will rain down upon you!
What if we’re not here?
We will come two more times,
and then you’ll have to come to our customer center.
(regular voice): It’s near the airport
where the old Crown Books used to be.
(humming)
Hello, Homer.
(shrieks): Selma!
Relax, it’s just me, Patty.
(shrieks): Patty!
Do you have your disguise?
Hola, I am Esteban de la Sexface.
That means "Stephen of the Sexface."
Okay, now let’s prepare our mental images
so we can kiss each other without barfing.
(moaning)
Whoa-oa-oa!
(joyfully scatting)
-Mm! Yes! -(both moaning)
Oh, baby.
(gasps): What the...?
Selma, how could you?!
Sorry, Abe, we’re through.
I thought we really had something.
What the hell is going on here?
Dos Selmas?
Ay-yi-yi!
(gasps): Homer!
Why would you try to break us up?
I guess I always dreamed
that my father would grow old alone.
Well, nerts to both of ya!
Our love is so strong
not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart!
A thousand, eh?
I love this woman
and I’m gonna make sure she’s in my life forever.
-I’m Patty. -Nice to meet you.
Selma, will you marry me?
Abe...
I... uh...
Yes!
Homer, say hello to your new ma!
(both laugh)
(screaming): No!
("Wedding March" plays)
(all cheering)
Dad, don’t throw rice, it makes the birds swell up!
Oh, Lisa, that’s one of those rumors you get off the Internet.
Hey, Selma, want some rice?
(Grampa and Selma laughing)
(horn honking)
-(tires screeching) -Pick a lane, freaks!
Nothing solves everything forever
like a wedding.
Now to do something
I’ve been looking forward to my whole wedding day.
(sighs): Oh!
I’m glad I waited.
Now that we’re married, I want to tell you
I have one strict policy--
no wife of mine ever has to work.
Are you sure, Abe?
They offered me a promotion at the D.M.V.
It’s longer hours, but we can afford a place of our own.
Nonsense!
When I left Pan Am, they said
they’d always have a job waiting for me.
Abe, there’s no more Pan Am.
Oh, I’m an old fool.
I don’t even have two kidneys to rub together.
Oh, don’t worry, Abe.
I can provide for both of us.
Now, we are on our honeymoon.
I thought we were at the circus, Lisa.
Oh, boy.
Sorry I was at work so late.
How’d it go with the baby?
We’re having a great time.
I cleaned up all my best war stories for her.
I told her how we chased the teddy bears
into their cuddle-bunkers,
then had to tickle them out
with machine-hugs and fun-throwers.
They say the more soldiers you tickle,
the easier it gets.
Well, sir, it doesn’t.
Who knew guys in brown shirts could cause so much trouble?
(whispers): It begins.
For the Brown Empire!
(yelling)
(shouting)
(groaning, grunting)
(grunting)
(yelling)
(dragon shrieking)
Nelson, you came to help in our hour of need.
(metallic sword ringing)
(battle cry): Ha-ha!
(metallic clanging)
(shrieking)
(objects whistling)
(whistling sounds)
(yelling, shouting)
Yeah! We did it!
Now we can enjoy Boxingham Palace in peace!
Want to melt it with a hose?
Sure, I guess.
A couple of birds pooped on it over here.
-Selma... -Walk with me.
The new traffic cones are held up in Harrisburg.
Go to the costume store.
Get a hundred wizard hats and a bucket of orange paint.
I love that!
We’ve lost the answer key for written test number seven!
A-C-D-A-A-C-B-B-C-A!
You are what I want to be.
Selma, the divider broke,
and the driver’s test line is mixing
with the license renewal line!
Hey, re-newbies, stay on your side!
You and what line divider is going to make me?
(sighs): Oh!
I shaved my legs to the knees for this?
Now to relax with a nice cup of tea.
(laughing)
Which one of you do-hickeys is the tea kettle?
Oh, a flapjack flipper.
I usually don’t cook,
but when you’re in love, you do crazy things!
Now I’ll just put in a movie to pass the time.
Let’s see. Running time
two hours.
(smoke alarm beeping)
Oh, the kettle’s whistlin’!
Ah, just the way I like it-- thick and noxious!
(exploding, alarm blaring)
Uh-oh. Better call the fire brigade!
(squeaking)
Wow, they’re already here!
(whimpering)
So, that’s my projected new driver’s test route.
Nice pres, Selma,
but, uh, where’s the three-point turn
on this baby?
Um... Bailey Street?
Bailey Street?
The freshly-paved Bailey Street?
Oh, yeah, let’s wear that out.
(laughter, indistinct chatter)
I’m sorry.
I-I’ve got a lot of stress at home.
I’m wet and scared, and the house hates me!
Selma, we don’t have time for this.
This is the D.M.V.
We’re about getting things done!
Abe, let’s go home.
How will we ever replace her?
Oh, I know.
Why is this so hard?
I just wanted to marry my best gal.
I guess the Beatles were wrong.
Love isn’t all you need.
Abe, I hate to admit it,
but maybe this marriage isn’t going to work.
I guess you’re right.
Also, I didn’t realize you liked the Beatles.
That would have caused some problems down the line.
(sighs)
I guess I’m gonna be alone forever.
Now, don’t be an idiot.
A sweet, young tomato like you will definitely find someone.
Some young bruiser who can eat corn on the cob
and not think twice about it.
You really think so?
Absolutely.
Now how about givin’ an old man one last dance?
(big band music plays)
So...
how long is Senor Homer out of town for?
Oh, I don’t know.
He might come home any minute.
Then I must flee!
(grunts)
Where is he?
Where is he?!
I smell his aftershave!
(groaning)
I don’t think we’re doing this right.
Where is he? I know he’s in here.
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Shh!
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