Come on, everybody.
Time for the family portrait.
(toys squeaking and rattling)
Let’s bunch together now.
Here we go.
Move it!
Perfecto.
Everybody smile.
I’m going to set the automatic timer.
Almost ready. Here we go.
Let’s get this show on the road, man.
We got things to do.
Yeah, Dad.
Okay, here we go.
Make room for Jumbo.
-What’d you say? -Nothing.
All right, everybody, squeeze in real tight.
I want to get us all in the picture this time.
Closer.
Closer!
Okay, hold still.
This is the last picture on the roll.
Praise the Lord.
You watch your mouth, you little smart-ass.
LISA: Yeah, Bart.
Nothing’s going to ruin this one.
The timer’s a-ticking.
Bart’s making faces, Dad.
Bart!
This one’s going to be the Simpsons at our finest.
Smile, look cheerful.
Here we go. Here we go.
Why, you little...
MARGE: Kitty cat.
Elmo.
Um... uh...
Watering can.
(gasping)
This is a nightmare.
We’re getting blown out of the water.
Eh, what can I say?
Maggie and I share a special bond.
School bus?
Bart and Lisa?
Bart and Lisa are almost home from school,
and we have a dentist appointment at 3:00.
Thanks, Maggie.
We win by forfeit.
The sweetest win there is.
(puffing noisily)
(starter motor revving)
It won’t start.
I’ll just use Homer’s AAA card.
American Applesauce Association?
We’re going to have to run.
There isn’t even time to stretch my quads.
My quads!
Every stride is a nightmare!
(yodeling theme from Raising Arizona playing)
-Whoops. -Aww.
(nervous chuckle)
WIGGUM: Ow!
How you holding up, Maggie?
(truck horn honking)
(screaming)
(yelling)
(horn honking)
(yodeling continues)
(yelping)
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
(squeaking, snarling)
Hey, Marge.
Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh!
(bagpipes playing)
(leprechaun speaking gibberish)
(barking)
MARGE: We’re gonna make it.
(panting)
Marge Simpson, I just heard the most delicious piece of gossip.
MARGE: Tell me later!
(yelling)
Oh, hi, kids.
You’re just in time to go to the dentist.
Dentist?
You said we were going to ride dirt bikes around the cemetery.
Oh, Bart, you fall for that every six months.
Hey, suckers, check it out.
Marge is taking me to ride dirt bikes at the cemetery.
You’re going to the dentist, too, Dad.
Why the cemetery, I wondered, but my dreams were too strong.
(drill whirring)
Ah...
Mr. Simpson, have you been flossing regularly?
Absolutely.
All the time.
I go to the floss store and they’re like,
"Whoa, there he is again."
(nervous chuckle): ’Cause I buy so much floss.
Let’s just get started.
Oh, my God! My gums!
They hurt so much!
I haven’t started yet.
I know, but a breeze from the window went in my mouth.
(sighs)
(screaming)
(screaming continues)
You butcher!
Don’t worry, sweetie.
I’m sure that man has some special tooth problem.
HOMER: I don’t even have a special tooth problem!
This is just a routine checkup!
(screaming continues)
Oh, the bib is choking me!
(with normal voice): It’s over?
(chuckles): That wasn’t so bad.
This tape explains oral hygiene
in a way that’s exciting for kids.
(hip-hop style announcer):
Damn, baby got bacteria.
You want to stick it to these whiteys?
Hey, I’m down with OPP--
"Ongoing periodontal problems."
Break it down.
(upbeat music playing)
MAN: Hey, you low-life degenerates,
stop illin’ with the fillin’.
Luda-Crest.
♪ I’m the enemy of the cavity ♪
♪ Unstoppable like gravity ♪
♪ So brush with regularity ♪
♪ Or you will face calamity ♪
♪ I’ll see ya in Atlanta, GA ♪
♪ Dirty, dirty mouth, y’all. ♪
This film is against tooth decay,
but it also kind of glamorizes it.
Mixed signals, hmm...
This is the greatest movie ever.
Dad, that’s Ludicrous!
I have a right to my views.
No! I mean Chris "Ludacris" Bridges,
right here in the dental plaza!
Hey, man, that video was made
for a onetime only showing in Canada, understand?
Do ya?
I’m sorry. There must have been some sort of misunder...
Expect a letter from Cap In The Ass Productions
and its head legal counsel, Ms. Melissa Burlingame!
Peace out!
Here’s a free toothbrush.
Keep those teeth clean.
So you’re saying I should do your job for you,
at home, for free.
You wish.
(humming)
WOMAN: Okay, Principal Skinner, I want you to relax.
Just lie completely at ease
while I administer the nitrous.
I shall.
(breathes deeply)
The dentist will be here in a minute.
He’ll know exactly what he’s doing.
Don’t resist in any way.
(whistling)
(evil chuckle)
(humming)
Good afternoon, Principal Stinkface.
Dr. Bart.
Let’s see...
according to your charts,
you’re due for your annual throat scraping.
Uh-oh, I’m feeling a lot of cooties down there.
We may need to replace a tooth.
(groans)
Now rinse.
Finally, I’m going to take an X-ray
so lie perfectly still for 20 minutes.
(machine buzzing)
Don’ you love that clean mouth feeling?
Sure do.
Let’s go get ice cream.
I can’t wait to get the freshness out of my mouth.
I’m going to glue my mouth shut with butterscotch.
(sighs): Oh. Yay.
What the hell is a fundae?
It’s a sundae that’s fun.
I like that, but I’m on a bit of a health kick.
So I’ll take the low-fat vanilla--
with the following mix-ins:
Snickles, Gooey Bears,
Charlottesville Chew, Nice ’N’ Many,
Kat Kit, Herschel’s Smooches, Mrs. Bad Bar, and Milk Dudes.
Cup or cone?
Uh... cone!
(gasps) (bell ringing)
♪ Celebrate good times, come on... ♪
Congratulations.
You just purchased the one millionth ice-cream cone
sold by this store!
Oh, my God, this is amazing!
Wait, I’m gonna be driving.
I’ll go for the cup.
-(music stops) -BART: Dad!
Fine, cone.
-(bell rings, music resumes) -What’s this?!
Tonight on Smartline,
a provocative discussion of the Middle East...
will not be featured.
Instead, we’ll be talking to a man
who bought an ice-cream cone.
That’s me.
Of course that has nothing to do with the fact
that this station and the ice-cream company
are owned by the same corporation,
but I digress.
All right, let’s just get through this.
Mr. Simpson, tell us how it felt
when you bought the fateful treat.
I’ve never been to war,
but I imagine it feels just like your first kill.
The happiness swept me away!
(screams) That hurt like a...
(muttered obscenities)
What’d I miss?
Kent Brockman said a horrible swear.
Which one?
Uh, I’ll Etch-A-Sketch it for you.
Etch... sketch... etch... sketch...
(cries out)
Shake it! Shake it!
It won’t come off.
Where’s the hammer?
(sighs)
Earlier on this broadcast, I said a word so vile
it should only be uttered by Satan himself
while sitting on the toilet.
I apologize,
and will make a large donation
to charities that fight teen cursing.
Good night.
(sighs heavily)
Hmph, people don’t seem so mad.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Did you see my broadcast tonight?
Oh, God, no, I get my news from the Internet
like every other normal person under 70.
Farewell, dinosaur.
No one saw my show.
So, no one heard my filthy faux pas.
My career is safe.
Well, the important thing is
we got through this crisis together.
That makes us friends, right?
Uh, hey, look, it’s the airport bus.
You should get on it.
(deflated): Okay.
America West, please.
GRAMPA: I can’t believe
Kent Brockman got away with it.
Back in my day, TV stars couldn’t say "booby,"
"tushie," "burp," "fanny burp," "water closet," "underpants,"
"dingle-dangle," "Boston marriage,"
"LBJ," "Titicaca,"
"hot dog," or "front lumps"!
I’m not sure Brockman’s out of the woods yet.
There are a lot of religious watchdog groups out there
keeping the world safe from the horror of free expression.
You mean there are losers who spend all day watching TV
looking for stuff to complain about?
Who’d be lame enough to do that?
Okay, Smallville...
super dog licks himself.
That definitely goes in the naughty pile.
Hmph.
60 Minutes...
Morley Safer has questionable pants fold.
The L Word...
Used the "L" word.
And now to peruse the local news.
The happiness swept me away.
(screams) Oh, that hurt like a...
(whistles, toots, chimes)
(crows)
(gasps): God’s least favorite word
uttered on the public airwaves.
"To: Online Christian Soldiers.
Subject: Televised Super Swear."
Daddy, what are you doing?
Imploring people I never met
to pressure a government with better things to do
to punish a man who meant no harm
for something nobody even saw.
That’s what I’m doing.
Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.
First things first.
The Federal Communications Commission announced today
it will launch a full inquiry
into garbage-tongued anchorman Kent Brockman?
In a related story, Channel Six will demote Brockman
to... weekend weatherman?!
Dear God, this can’t be happening.
(flat): It’s a glorious day here in Springfield.
Light winds, low humidity.
Now, let’s check the five-day forecast.
What the...?!
(high-pitched): Even the map thinks you stink, Kent.
(laughing)
(deep voice): In breaking news, the FCC has just handed down
a record ten million dollar fine against Channel Six
for Kent Brockman’s shameful swear-nami.
(high-pitched): Ten million dollars?!
Looks like Newshound, the Channel Six mascot,
is gonna have to go without his lazy-eye surgery.
(whimpers)
Sorry, boy.
No, I’m over here.
Over here!
I got a treat for you.
Oh! Now he’s gonna starve.
Proud of yourself, Kent?
(sighs heavily)
Kids, your old pal Krusty has had to make a few cutbacks
because of a huge fine levied against the station.
(cheering): Yay!
That’s a bad thing.
Anyway, we can’t afford to pay the voice actors
on Itchy and Scratchy, so I’m doing the voices myself.
Roll it.
I’m a cat walking down the street
swinging my arms.
Look, a lady made of dynamite!
Wait, I don’t know that yet.
How about a smooch?
Kablooey!
Here comes the mouse, what’s-his-name.
That was me that done that.
But it ain’t enough, so here’s this.
That’s what you get for, uh, I don’t know,
messing with my wife. And it goes on.
(spattered applause)
Damn that Brockman!
There are only two rules in TV:
don’t swear, and don’t whip it out.
It’s not rocket science.
Kent, can we talk?
I’m not fired, am I?
No, no, this station stands by its reporters.
Say, what’s that powder in your coffee?
Is it cocaine?
No, it’s Splenda.
Spare me your slang, pusher man.
You’re fired!
(Midnight Cowboy harmonica theme plays)
(thunder crashing)
Haw, haw!
Your distinguished career is over!
(groaning)
Marge, the couch is lumpy!
That’s because you’re sitting on me, you lummox!
Kent Brockman!
I invited him to stay with us for a few days.
His career is ruined.
And I was afraid he might commit you-know-what-icide.
I’m sorry, Marge,
but I won’t live under the same roof
as a member of the liberal media.
You’ll have to excuse him.
He’s been watching a lot of Fox News.
Did you know that every day
Mexican gays sneak into this country
and unplug our brain-dead ladies?
We have to take in Mr. Brockman.
He wouldn’t be in this mess
if you hadn’t dumped coffee on his lap.
Oh, sure, put down a simple guy like me
who works hard and plays by the rules.
Dad, you barely go to work at all.
And you’re constantly flouting the law.
I’m willing to change my mind and that makes me great.
You can stay.
But you have to give us an 8X10 for our wall
of Casual Acquaintances Who Came to Stay For A While.
Apu sang a song.
What are you gonna do?
TV ANNOUNCER: Can 15 strippers run their own airline?
Find out tonight on Fox’s newest reality hit,
Landing Strip.
Ladies, check out what I can do with the oxygen masks.
(wild cheering)
What a great show.
Real people with real problems.
(sighs)
(clicks)
This is Fox News with the latest liberal outrage.
It seems liberals want to give NASA the right
to abort space missions whenever they feel like it.
Liberals...
I hate them so much.
One thing I’ve always wondered,
how can Fox News be so conservative
when the Fox network keeps airing raunchy shows?
They don’t fit together.
-(remote clicks) -Whoo-hoo!
Liberals hate families.
-Liberals... -(remote clicks)
Whoo-hoo!
Liberals. Whoo-hoo!
Liberals. Whoo...!
Fox deliberately runs shows that will earn them huge fines
which are then funneled through the FCC
straight to the Republican party.
Everybody in the media knows it,
but no one has the guts to say it.
Not true. You’ve got the guts,
and I’ve got a web cam.
This time you can tell the truth.
And swear like a lumberjack who hacked off a leg.
Let’s do it.
-(clicks remote) -...hoo!
Whoo-hoo?
Liberals?
Whoo-hoo?
Here we go.
Four, three, two...
Good evening.
Thank you for inviting me into your laps.
Friends, the press and the government are in bed together
in an embrace so intimate and wrong,
they could spoon on a twin mattress
and still have room for Ted Koppel.
Journalists used to questions the reasons for war
and expose abuse of power.
Now, like toothless babies,
they suckle on the sugary teat of misinformation
and poop it into the diaper we call the 6:00 news.
Demand more of your government.
Demand more of your press.
Fellow primate, this is a wake-up call.
(chattering)
BROCKMAN: Vote out your so-called representatives.
Reject your corporate masters.
Buy nothing. Hug your children.
Love the one you’re with.
Look at that rabble-rouser.
He’s threatening our ill-gotten gains.
Galdarn it!
I worked hard to ill-get those gains.
How do we stop him?
I could Dracula bite him.
(groaning)
Actually, Krusty and I’ve been working on a plan
to take out Brockman.
You want to start?
No, why don’t you start?
Oh, but you’re so good at starting.
You really think so?
-Oh, I know so. Go on. -All right.
Do you think there’s something going on between those two?
To find out, I could turn myself into a bat
and follow them around.
Oh, you couldn’t even get our pizza orders right.
Every order is half this, half that, it’s confusing!
Kent, your righteous political commentary rocks.
Yeah, you know how many stars out of five I gave
the YouTube of your webcast? Five!
And I never give five.
It’s true, he never does.
Mr. Brockman, you’re a huge hit.
Really? How wide is the web?
-World. -Wow.
(engine revs)
Kent, we want to offer you your old job back
with a 50% pay increase.
Hmph.
Lisa, close your eyes for two seconds.
(sighs): One, two...
I held out as long as I could!
I guess there’s just no place for truth and bravery
in today’s media.
True, but there’s room for the truth in this household.
Do you want to hear something really bad
Kent told me about the Fox network?
Of course.
Gosh, Dad, your hands are shaking.
I know.
’Cause this one’s really, really bad.
For years now, Fox has been...
TV ANNOUNCER: ...programming shows that the whole family can enjoy.
(gasps): Oh, my God!
You don’t suppose they’re gonna start...
ANNOUNCER: ...entertaining America with hits like House,
American Idol and American Idol Results Show.
I’m afraid they might.
But I will not be silenced.
The truth is...
(fanfare playing)
(whispers): Okay.
What I was going to say was...
Shh!
(music plays)
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Enhanced by Fotokem