CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(school bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(tires screech)
D’oh!
(screams)
(tires screech)
Ow! Mom, Lisa hit me!
I did not!
Kids, knock it off.
I’m uncomfortable driving your father’s car as it is.
What the...?
(gasps): Oh!
Fine! We’ll divide the car into your side and my side.
My leg is the barrier.
Mom!
The system works!
(grunting)
It’s not funny!
Your wearing cleats!
(Lisa grunting)
Stop it! Stop it!
(crash)
(all gasp)
(muffled yelling)
(muffled groan)
(groans)
(panting)
Sorry I’m late-- I was in a car crash.
Many hurt, but nobody cool was harmed.
Just sit down, Bart.
Huh?!
Who’s the new meat in my seat?
Bart, this is Donny-- he’s here at our school
because he was kicked out of P.S. 132.
P.S. That school sucked.
(laughter)
Don’t worry, Bart,
Willie’s bringing you something to sit on.
(screeching and scraping, Willie humming happily)
Hey, Krabappel,
your name sounds like "crab apple."
Did you go sour waiting for someone to pick you?
(groans): Pretty much.
(laughter)
Huh?
(kid grunts)
(kids murmuring)
(Donny grunts)
(loud splat)
(cheering, laughter)
Isn’t he awesome?
When he grows up, I want to be like me!
(growls)
Look, new kid,
I’m the head hamster in this habitrail, capisce?
Well, maybe there’s a new guinea pig in your cage.
Capisce that?
Oh, I capisce.
I capisce just fine.
(chuckles): Oh, well, you just keep on capisce-ing.
KIDS: Ooh!
BART: Oh!
(derisive laughter)
See-saw!
(groans): Oh!
Mr. Simpson, this damage will take a week to fix.
While your car’s in the shop, uh, you can drive this loaner.
Loa... ner?
She’s right here.
Wow.
This is the kind of car you see in commercials!
How much am I paying for this?
-Nothing. -It seems like a lot.
On the contrary.
The loaner car is complimentary.
It’s standard policy.
Really? Oh!
You people are idiots!
(laughing hysterically)
That’s the dumb...
(continues laughing)
What a stu...
(continues laughing)
I mean, that sounds fair.
Okay, so...
(resumes laughing)
Look at you! Idiots!
(to "Owner of a Lonely Heart"): ♪ Driver of a loaner car ♪
♪ Much better than a ♪
♪ Driver of my normal car... ♪
(imitating drum solo)
Whoa! Fancy wheels!
What song does the horn play?
None.
Classy.
Wha...?
Hey, boy, check out my new car... huh?
(giggling)
Cut it out!
Want to take a ride with your old man?
-No. -Come on!
Come on!
Oh, come on!
Oh, fine.
(groans)
What’s the matter, son?
There’s this new kid at school
who everyone thinks is cooler than me.
Aw, don’t give up, boy!
I believe in you, and not just because I have to.
-Really, Dad? -Son, I know when we first met,
we didn’t really hit it off,
but since then I’ve really come to respect you.
And unlike love, respect can’t be bought.
You’re right. I’m gonna go to school tomorrow
and show everyone I’m awesome.
That’s my boy.
Now let’s watch the air conditioner fight the heater.
(both laughing)
Whoa! Yeah!
-Yeah! -(laughs)
Now let’s add the rear window defogger.
-Whoo! -(laughs)
BOTH: Whoa!
Twister! Get down!
(both grunt)
(both laughing)
-Whoa! -Yeah!
-(laughs)
"Air Skinner" brings it up.
He bounces the ball repeatedly in a dribbling type motion.
Foul!
Great, I fouled out.
Now can I go?
Nope, I grant you five more fouls.
(Willie groans)
♪♪
(metal tinging)
(cackles)
Top this, Donny.
(light clanking)
Thank you, children.
Welcome to the unveiling
of our new school lunch purchasing plan,
known as the Flex Plan.
Mmm!
(puzzled murmuring) Huh?
Students may spend up to ten points per day
in up to four of seven categories.
Unused points roll over week to week but not month to month.
Categories not included: meat, dairy, vegetables...
Wha...?
That’s odd.
But, as a one-time occurrence, no cause for alarm.
(kids laughing)
It’s not funny; these movements are involuntary.
Whoa... aah... whaa...
This almost makes me want to find out how magnets work.
(students’ laughter continuing)
Ah...
(kids laughing, Skinner stammering anxiously)
(yelling)
(laughs)
(kids laughing)
(thud)
(screams)
(lift motor whirs)
(cheering, laughing)
KIDS (chanting): Bart! Bart! Bart!
(magnets clank onto floor)
Who did this?
Until I find out, no one is leaving
this mixed-use auditorium.
But some of us have after-school care!
When I catch the culprit-- and I will--
I’m gonna throw this away...
and use this instead!
(all gasping)
(gulps)
Principal Skinner?
I did it.
(all gasp)
Young man, my office, now!
(gasps): Huh?
(quietly): Why did you take the rap for me?
I don’t know. I like your style.
Well, remember this:
Bart Simpson takes care of his friends.
Come see me when you get out.
Young man, brace yourself...
for some congratulations!
We did it! You’re in!
We finally have a man on the inside.
We’re gonna put Bart Simpson away for a long, long time.
By law, the most we can give him is a ten-day suspension.
Well, that’s long to a kid!
SKINNER: All our other attempts to get a spy inside
the Bart Simpson operation have failed.
Uter, Ralph, Doug the hip guidance counselor--
he was never the same after Bart got through with him.
Your extracurriculars are gonna need a lot of work
if you want to get into Vanderbilt.
(confused coo)
I’ll get the goods on this Simpson kid.
You have my word as a snitch.
Uh-oh. Here he comes.
Now this won’t be easy, but pretend I’m a jerk.
Young man, I’m gonna be on you
like a numerator on a denominator!
(slams door)
Let’s take a ride.
I got a place with a view.
I’ve never seen blue vines before.
They’re only sold in Europe.
I know a guy.
Ah, yeah! You can really taste the blue.
Check this out... Nyaa!
Oh, that’s so cool!
(both gibbering)
Here’s a little hair of the dog for tomorrow.
Oh, thanks, Bart.
Now that we’re buddies, I can let you in
on some of the cool scams we run at school.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
Bathroom passes, doctor’s notes...
We can rig a cootie catcher
so you can marry anybody you want.
Whoa! Sherri!
I’m in.
Milhouse, bust out four of our finest juice boxes.
Mm-hmm!
I just wanna say...
juice-box fight!
(laughter)
Sounds like fun. Can I play?
Sure.
(boys laughing)
How is that fun?
Fun’s only fun if everyone’s having fun.
Mom, what are you doing?
Honey, this is how I save money on ketchup and mustard.
Do you do it with relish?
No, I’m kind of embarrassed about it.
Mrs. Simpson, may I take you for an evening drive?
Our loaner awaits.
(car alarm chirps)
Did you just unlock the car from here?
(smugly): Uh-huh.
(gasps) Oh.
(groans pleasantly)
(rhythm and blues beat plays) ♪ Baby, let’s cruise ♪
♪ Away from here... ♪
Ah! Ooh!
♪ Don’t be confused ♪
-♪ The way is clear ♪ -Oh.
-♪ And if you want it, you got it forever ♪ -Oh.
♪ This is not a one-night stand, baby... ♪
(cell phone rings)
Hello. You’ve reached the snug bug.
What do you mean my car’s ready?!
Well, you can keep it, ’cause I’m never giving up this one.
Now why don’t you enjoy the sounds
of my wife and me making sweet, sweet love.
(sharp metallic grinding over phone)
HOMER: That wasn’t us; that was the transmission.
(suspenseful music plays)
(both yelling, grunting)
KID: Box fight!
-Box fight! -(whistle trills)
SKINNER: One whistle!
(whistle trills)
Two whistles!
I’m one whistle away from three whistles, people!
All right, here’s the plan: we go in there,
fill the coffee pot with crickets from this bag--
labeled crickets-- and leave.
-(gasps) -(gasps)
(Skinner laughs)
♪ I’m shipping up to Boston ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
♪ I’m shipping up to Boston ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
♪ Shipping up to Boston ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪
♪ I’m shipping off ♪
♪ To find my wooden leg ♪
♪♪
♪ I’m a sailor peg, and I lost my leg ♪
♪ Climbing up the topsails, I lost my leg... ♪
♪♪
(laughing)
(groans)
Skinner’s five steps ahead of me.
I put a tack in his chair, he’s corked his pants!
I throw a tomato, he’s making salad!
(clears throat)
I have some information ye might be interested in.
But it won’t be easy to hear.
Because of your stupid accent?
Nach-nae!
Because of its upsetting nature!
Skinner’s gotten to someone close to ye.
A rat.
-Who is it? -I dunno.
But Skinner’s goin’ to meet the rat right now.
Thanks, Willie.
A child thanked me!
I gotta write this in my journal.
-(electrical buzzing) -Dear... diary,
Today I’ve...
("I’m Shipping Up To Boston" by The Dropkick Murphys playing)
(no audio)
♪♪
(school bell rings)
Got him.
♪♪
Where am I?
You’re in line for a measle shot.
Ow!
Okay, now we’ve made a guide hole for the real needle.
(Bart gulps)
Uh, Bart, where are we going?
Gentlemen,
someone I thought I could trust is a rat.
Now, let’s see.
Is it my best friend,
my other best friend, or a kid I just met?
(gulps)
Donny...
grab Milhouse’s legs.
He’s the rat.
You grew tired of always being in my shadow.
No, I like your shadow.
It’s nice and cool.
Quit it! No!
Don’t worry, we’ll get him out in a couple hours.
(humming happily)
Oh, my gosh.
It’s an outhouse sent from the future.
MILHOUSE: Hey, I’m in here.
CLETUS: Be quiet, Robo-potty.
(sadly): Okay.
BART: Now that we’ve taken care of our rat problem,
Skinner can’t stop us,
and I’ve got a prank I’ve been planning for months.
We’re going to egg Skinner’s house.
We’ve already egged his car, his office,
and his father’s grave.
How’s this going to be different?
Gentlemen, this is an ostrich egg.
BOTH: Whoa...
Normally, you can’t even buy these.
You have to buy the ostrich and wait.
How much of this is gunk?
The whole insides.
Whoa, to think this came out of some animal’s butt.
Beautiful, in its way.
This car is amazing.
The radio lets me contribute directly to NPR.
(on radio): This is Terry Gross from NPR, saying "Thank you."
Now, let’s get back to our 1987 interview
with Senator Alan Cranston.
I never dreamed an American car designed in Germany,
assembled in Mexico from parts made in Canada,
could be so amazing.
(chuckles)
Yeah, I can’t believe all those years
I used to drive that old piece of...
(gasping): What the...?
-(tires screeching) -My old car.
So you’re sure this baby’ll make it out to the desert?
(gasps)
Sure. Why, what’d you have in mind?
Well, we gonna start by shooting her full of holes,
and, uh, then me and the boys
are gonna have a little fun with her.
(goofy yet creepy guffawing)
I’ll have you know I love this car as if it were my own child.
Dad?
(tires screech, Homer laughs)
Sorry, Maggie.
Say, Simpson,
would you mind holding one end of this banner
while I put it up?
My pleasure, sir.
(cocky laughter)
We’ll see who’s laughing
when your house is smeared with ostrich albumen.
(gasps)
Donny’s the rat.
Where do you think you’re going?
Ah, get back to your knitting, Seymour.
I will, but it’s because I want to.
(humming)
So, guys, before we hit Skinner’s,
I want to make a quick stop.
(gulps)
DONNY: Hey, Bart,
uh, what are we doing here?
There’s been a change of plans.
I was going to tell you,
but then I remembered...
you’re the rat!
No, no, no, you got it all wrong.
Skinner’s tongue was blue.
Blue from the vines you gave him.
Why’d you do it, man?
Look, you don’t start out wanting to be a rat.
Sometimes it’s your only option.
Skinner and Chalmers wanted to get someone
inside your organization-- someone with no history.
Too cute, too tall,
too Siamese, too Siamese.
How much for that one?
I’m sorry, Bart.
You were like a brother to me.
We were going to take wood shop together
and make nunchucks.
And then take people to our lockers
and show them our nunchucks.
I know.
That would have been cool.
Are we going to fizz this guy or what?
Fizz me?
A funny thing happens when you mix Mentos with Diet Coke.
Now imagine that times a million.
And it’s all going to go down in Skinner’s office.
CHALMERS: That’s all we needed to hear.
Running away rules!
Sorry to plop, plop on your fizz, fizz.
What are you doing here?
(chuckles)
I knew egging my house was just a ploy.
You see, the rat who told you about my rat
was also a rat.
It was rats within rats... which was also me dinner last night.
Willie?! You’re on Skinner’s side?!
He gave me something you never could--
an elementary school diploma.
(chuckles smugly)
Bart, we’re going to send you
to the toughest juvenile detention center there is.
And it’s all thanks to Donny here,
who can happily live the rest of his life
knowing he betrayed the one boy
who actually cared about him.
(all scream)
(coughing and groaning)
CHALMERS: Skinner!
Skinner?
SKINNER: I’m all right, sir.
Don’t ever scare me like that again.
Well, I guess we’re even.
What are you going to do now?
What I always do-- survive.
Hey, we should get together sometime.
You know, to make nunchucks.
Sweet.
("I’m Shipping Up To Boston" by The Dropkick Murphys playing)
The rat symbolizes obviousness.
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
Shh!
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