1 00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:06,297 CHORUS SINGS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:07,298 (tires screeching) 3 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,301 D’oh! 4 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:11,302 (screams) 5 00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:12,846 (tires screeching) 6 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,448 {\an8}Dad, are you sure you’re okay to drive at night? 7 00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:32,407 {\an8}It’s night?! 8 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,950 {\an8}All right, that’s it. Pull over. 9 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:34,909 {\an8}Now don’t you worry. 10 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:36,745 {\an8}Just sit back and relax 11 00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:41,374 {\an8}to the smooth sounds of Tommy Dorsey’s All-White Orchestra. 12 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:42,292 ♪ ♪ 13 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:44,419 {\an8}Son, let this music take you 14 00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:46,629 {\an8}to a time when girls were girls 15 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,257 {\an8}and a Hershey bar was as thick as a phone book. 16 00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,842 {\an8}I’m sick of this song! 17 00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:52,844 {\an8}♪ Catch a falling star and... ♪ 18 00:00:52,927 --> 00:00:55,221 {\an8}I don’t like this one either-- too optimistic! 19 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,556 {\an8}Too slow! 20 00:00:56,639 --> 00:00:57,515 {\an8}Too fast! 21 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,100 {\an8}No zazz! 22 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:00,727 {\an8}Too much zazz! 23 00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:01,644 {\an8}More boogie! 24 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:02,687 {\an8}Less woogie! 25 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:03,980 {\an8}My back hurts! 26 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,940 {\an8}All my friends are dead! 27 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,319 {\an8}(screaming) 28 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:14,115 -Nice one. -Thanks. 29 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,618 -Oh, no, we’re gonna die. -(screaming) 30 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,119 {\an8}(sighs) 31 00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:20,288 -Oh, no, we’re gonna die. -(screaming) 32 00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:21,623 {\an8}(sighs) 33 00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,042 {\an8}Oh, no... 34 00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:26,753 {\an8}(both sigh) 35 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:29,255 {\an8}(engine puttering) 36 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,257 {\an8}(tires screeching) 37 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,094 {\an8}(both scream) 38 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,178 {\an8}(glass shattering) 39 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,180 {\an8}(groaning) 40 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,520 {\an8}(wheezing) 41 00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,438 {\an8}(coughs) 42 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,190 {\an8}Son, call me an ambulance. 43 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:52,904 {\an8}And while I’m in the hospital, 44 00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:54,864 {\an8}you’ll have to visit me every day. 45 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,699 {\an8}And then I’ll have to come live with you 46 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,451 {\an8}while I recover. 47 00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:01,913 {\an8}Eventually I’ll die in your home, 48 00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:05,291 {\an8}which’ll hurt the resale value, but it’ll all be... 49 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,793 {\an8}(muffled moaning) 50 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:14,759 {\an8}LISA: Dad? 51 00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,553 {\an8}Dad? Wake up! 52 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:18,304 {\an8}Who’s... what, who? 53 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,723 {\an8}Oh, I was having the most wonderful dream. 54 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:24,102 {\an8}I always wake up just before the good part. 55 00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:25,311 {\an8}You can just drop me off here. 56 00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,816 {\an8}I’ll see you later, honey. 57 00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:32,652 {\an8}(snoring) 58 00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,612 {\an8}(mumbling) 59 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,699 {\an8}(doorbell rings) 60 00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:38,867 {\an8}Er, uh, yes? 61 00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:42,036 {\an8}I’m delivering your Scout Gal Cookies, Mayor Quimby! 62 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,705 {\an8}That’ll be $30. 63 00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:45,540 {\an8}For three boxes? 64 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,041 {\an8}The money helps us serve the community. 65 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:48,626 {\an8}We plant trees, pick up litter, 66 00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,336 {\an8}cut up milk bones for old dogs... 67 00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,297 {\an8}It was rhetorical question. 68 00:02:52,380 --> 00:02:54,549 {\an8}And I used rhetoric in my answer? 69 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:55,633 {\an8}(sighs) 70 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:56,926 {\an8}Let’s just move on. 71 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,344 {\an8}(lock clicking) 72 00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:01,097 {\an8}27 to the left and open. 73 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,724 {\an8}(door squeals) 74 00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,017 {\an8}(mouse chittering) 75 00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,977 {\an8}Where’s all the money? 76 00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:06,936 {\an8}Why, it’s right... 77 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,021 {\an8}Uh-oh. 78 00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:09,314 {\an8}We spent all our money 79 00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:10,982 {\an8}on that new slogan for Springfield. 80 00:03:11,065 --> 00:03:12,984 {\an8}Eh. 81 00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:15,486 {\an8}Um, what say you leave the cookies, 82 00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:18,031 {\an8}and I pay you double next year? 83 00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,490 {\an8}Sir, I didn’t get this 84 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:20,783 {\an8}"skepticism" merit badge 85 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,619 {\an8}falling for promises like that. 86 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,621 {\an8}If you don’t give me those cookies, 87 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,623 {\an8}I’ll pass a law forcing your organization 88 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:28,333 {\an8}to accept gay scout leaders. 89 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:29,876 I would strongly support that measure. 90 00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,044 Just give me those cookies! 91 00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:32,545 (grunting) 92 00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,922 -You get it... -Let go. 93 00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,341 This is a low point for my administration. 94 00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:38,176 -(grunting) -No. You give it. 95 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,553 {\an8}People of Springfield, 96 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:42,013 our city is broke. 97 00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:42,847 (all gasp) 98 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:43,723 Uh, when you say broke, 99 00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:44,849 do you mean really broke, 100 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,476 or uh, "O.J. Simpson broke"? 101 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,977 Really broke! 102 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,271 I’ve been reduced to using this cheap novelty gavel. 103 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,689 (squeaking) 104 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,441 (laughing) 105 00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:54,901 Order! Order! 106 00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:56,945 Homer Simpson. 107 00:03:57,028 --> 00:04:00,240 I know a lot of you from church and the market and such. 108 00:04:00,323 --> 00:04:03,117 And I’m not much for talkin’, but seems to me, 109 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:06,579 in hard times like these that we Americans come together. 110 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,164 (indistinct chatter) 111 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,917 So I say we roll up our sleeves, 112 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,752 and fake a disaster 113 00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:15,129 to trick the federal government out of relief money. 114 00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:16,714 (people murmuring) 115 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:19,092 Rip off the federal government? 116 00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:21,761 Mmm, I have reservations... 117 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,554 for dinner in five minutes. 118 00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:24,806 So all in favor, say "aye"! 119 00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:25,848 ALL: Aye! 120 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,809 The "ayes" have it. 121 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,689 Now, when exactly 122 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:34,482 did the hurricane pass through your town? 123 00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,192 Er, uh, five minutes ago. 124 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,610 You just missed it. 125 00:04:37,694 --> 00:04:40,196 FEMA will help you rebuild this town. 126 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,614 (cheering) 127 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:44,075 Your first $10 million will arrive 128 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:46,286 as soon as you submit this form, 129 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,871 and the, uh, $2,500 processing fee. 130 00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:51,833 -Mm-hmm. -And that’s how 131 00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:55,253 a fake FEMA official scammed us out of $2,500. 132 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,088 We are now worse than broke. 133 00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:58,965 (murmuring) 134 00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:00,925 LISA: Panic not, fellow Springfielders! 135 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,760 I’ve gone through the town’s financial records, 136 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:04,554 and it turns out there are millions 137 00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:06,556 in uncollected city taxes. 138 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,016 Hmm. 139 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,019 We shall collect each and every back tax owed! 140 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:12,270 Everyone from... 141 00:05:12,353 --> 00:05:15,023 Comic Book Guy to... 142 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:17,650 ...Milhouse! 143 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,193 No one shall be spared! 144 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,820 Dozens of swindling deadbeats, 145 00:05:20,903 --> 00:05:22,530 as well as this respected reporter 146 00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:25,325 who made an honest mistake, have paid their back taxes, 147 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,910 leaving only one outstanding debtor: 148 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,455 country music star Lurleen Lumpkin, 149 00:05:30,538 --> 00:05:32,040 seen here at the height of her fame. 150 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:36,419 ♪ Bunk with me tonight, Kermit ♪ 151 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,464 ♪ Bunk with me tonight... ♪ 152 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:40,506 (gulps) 153 00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,091 Uh, really, Lurleen? 154 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,634 (karate yell) 155 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,470 Hey, Dad, 156 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:47,263 that’s the singer you used to manage! 157 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,307 Oh, right. 158 00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:51,517 Dad was Colonel Homer and he wore that awesome suit 159 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:53,519 and Lurleen wanted to bunk his brains out! 160 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,396 But I forget how Mom felt about it. 161 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,440 (grunting) 162 00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,525 Kids, marriage is like a car. 163 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:02,153 Along the way it has its bumps and dings, 164 00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,738 and this country can’t make one 165 00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,573 that lasts more than five years. 166 00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:08,326 With Lurleen I just walked past the showroom 167 00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:10,578 and didn’t even go inside. 168 00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:12,955 Now let’s return to watching the news. 169 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,958 Ms. Lumpkin owed $50,000 in back taxes. 170 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,961 With penalties, interest and the celebrity resentment tax, 171 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,631 that sum has grown to $12 million. 172 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,633 However, she’s been missing for several years, 173 00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:26,386 since her career went into a downward spiral. 174 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,513 I told her not to go into one of those. 175 00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,515 The entire city is searching for her. 176 00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:32,725 Not for any reward, but for the pleasure 177 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,894 of destroying someone they once admired. 178 00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:37,522 Save some for me! 179 00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:41,442 (grunts) 180 00:06:45,696 --> 00:06:47,365 Got her! 181 00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:50,576 Krusty? 182 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:52,787 I just want to win one thing in my life! 183 00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:53,996 It’s not real. 184 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,498 Don’t you dare ruin the moment! 185 00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:00,211 (scoffs) Look at those idiots. 186 00:07:00,294 --> 00:07:03,297 I bet Lurleen’s a million miles away right now. 187 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,382 -Hey, Homer. -(screams) 188 00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:05,800 Shh! I’m more wanted 189 00:07:05,883 --> 00:07:07,510 than the last petal on a bloomin’ onion. 190 00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,720 Don’t worry. You can stay with us. 191 00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:11,139 I’m sure Marge will be cool. 192 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:13,141 (tires screeching) 193 00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:15,143 (garage door whirring) 194 00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,145 MARGE: (muffled yelling) 195 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,149 HOMER: (muffled shouting) 196 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:24,902 MARGE: (muffled yelling): ...get her out of here! 197 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:26,487 HOMER (muffled): But... 198 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,284 I’m taking you to your home, 199 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:32,660 before you wreck mine! 200 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:36,706 You live here? 201 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,751 Bye, Marge. 202 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,631 Well, at least she’s got a friend. 203 00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:48,426 It’s your turn to clean the toilet. 204 00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:50,428 Where is it? 205 00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:51,929 You’re holding it. 206 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,723 -(screams) -(tires screeching) 207 00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,559 Get in! 208 00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,144 Oh, come on. 209 00:07:58,227 --> 00:07:59,562 Thanks, Marge. 210 00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:02,106 Gee, after all that’s passed between us, I mean... 211 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,192 Well, you’re a bigger woman than I am. 212 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,359 Are you calling me fat? 213 00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:06,777 No, no, no! 214 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,446 I’ll just be quiet. 215 00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,452 Lurleen, this barbecue is delicious! 216 00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,454 Oh, it’s a traditional Southern recipe: 217 00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:20,166 ketchup, Coca-Cola, and fricasseed possum. 218 00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:21,375 ALL: Ew! 219 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:22,460 Just kiddin’. 220 00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:23,503 It’s actually chicken. 221 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:24,837 Double ew! 222 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,506 Well, I think it’s wonderful. 223 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,549 My diet starts tomorrow! 224 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,552 Listen, I’m sorry I called you all those mean things 225 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:34,222 like... oh, I don’t even remember. 226 00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,181 Confederate degenerate? 227 00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:36,224 Southern-fried succubus? 228 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,350 Hee-haw ho? 229 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:39,185 (chuckles) 230 00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,937 Oh, that’s all right, Marge. 231 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,730 I’m just so grateful 232 00:08:42,813 --> 00:08:45,149 that y’all took me in and hid me from... 233 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,859 CHIEF WIGGUM: Freeze, Patsy Crime! 234 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,402 Ha! 235 00:08:48,486 --> 00:08:49,445 (moans) 236 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,446 (all gasping) 237 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,365 -(bones cracking) -Chief, you okay? 238 00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:53,199 Yeah, yeah. 239 00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:54,534 Why’d you jump off the roof? 240 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,702 I just wanted to be extraordinary. 241 00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,541 Your Honor, I would love to pay the money I owe, 242 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:04,794 but country music changed, and I went out of style. 243 00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:06,003 Objection! 244 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:07,588 Speculating on the trajectory 245 00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,257 of trends in country music. 246 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,258 I’m going to allow it. 247 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,926 Lurleen, the court orders you 248 00:09:12,009 --> 00:09:13,970 to make payments of a hundred dollars a week 249 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,973 till such time as your music comes back in style 250 00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,849 or becomes appreciated for its camp value. 251 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,936 All right, what’s the next case? 252 00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:23,771 Judge, next we have a man 253 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,524 who is suing his wife for not dressing sexy enough 254 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,818 in "The Case of the Horny Husband." 255 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:29,819 What the...? 256 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:31,195 Well, 257 00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,197 I thought if we acted like The People’s Court, 258 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,491 some day we’d be The People’s Court. 259 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,202 And, uh, well, a bailiff can dream, can’t he? 260 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,787 No, he can’t. 261 00:09:40,204 --> 00:09:42,582 I don’t get it, Lurleen. How did you lose all your money? 262 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:43,708 Did it go up your nose? 263 00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:46,168 -Between your toes? -Sadly, no. 264 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,004 Most of my money went to my ex-husbands. 265 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,886 Boy, you sure have married a lot of super-hunks. 266 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,346 Well, from now on, 267 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,682 the only thing I’m gonna be married to is my work. 268 00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,851 I’ve already accepted "a high-octane job 269 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,352 in the nightlife industry." 270 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,772 All right, I need you to get the rats outta the jukebox, 271 00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:09,358 and clean the vomit out of the pool table pockets, 272 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:10,526 and then you got the job. 273 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,529 Oh, and you’ve gotta share your tips with Manuel, 274 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:16,407 who’s, uh, actually me with a fake moustache. 275 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:19,285 (in Spanish accent): Es good job. You should take it. 276 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:20,620 (sighs) 277 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,496 Say, Lurleen, are you Jamaican? 278 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,206 ’Cause "Jamaican" me crazy. 279 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:27,335 That’s sweet, but I’m not lookin’ to date. 280 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:28,669 No, I’m glad you said that. 281 00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:29,962 ’Cause you reminded me 282 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,088 that I’m not looking to date, either. 283 00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:32,715 So... so great. 284 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,925 Hey, Lurleen, I’m going down to the rock quarry tonight 285 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,177 to throw stones at the woodchucks. 286 00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:38,012 -Want to come? -No. 287 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,722 That’s okay. I understand. 288 00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:42,600 Someone’s lookin’ at a snake in her mailbox. 289 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:43,517 MARGE: She turned down 290 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,394 Lenny and Carl? 291 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,604 That’s like someone 292 00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,190 who doesn’t like hamburgers or hot dogs. 293 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:51,817 What could make her hate men like that? 294 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,236 (guitar strumming country song) 295 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,947 ♪ I was cryin’ in my cradle ♪ 296 00:10:57,031 --> 00:11:00,242 ♪ When my daddy hopped a train ♪ 297 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:05,831 ♪ He left a hole in my heart and filled it up with pain ♪ 298 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:09,418 ♪ I know no amount of liquor ♪ 299 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,963 ♪ Will soothe my achin’ ticker ♪ 300 00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:16,092 ♪ ’Cause the love for my deadbeat daddy ♪ 301 00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:19,929 ♪ Is still pumpin’ through my veins ♪ 302 00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:21,347 (song ends, Lurleen sighs) 303 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:23,015 So that’s it. 304 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,810 She’s been burned by the most important man in her life-- 305 00:11:25,893 --> 00:11:27,228 her father. 306 00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:29,355 How could a man just abandon his family? 307 00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:32,191 By which I mean, what is the method he would use, 308 00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,567 and could anyone do it? 309 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,237 (laughs and mutters) 310 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,738 Wh-Where you going? 311 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:40,032 Lurleen Lumpkin has a hole in her heart, 312 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:41,826 and I’m gonna fill it. 313 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,245 (sighs) 314 00:11:44,328 --> 00:11:46,664 I’ve talked to over 500 men named Lumpkin. 315 00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:49,667 Everyone at Lumpkin, Lumpkin and Rosenthal Associates, 316 00:11:49,750 --> 00:11:53,879 an Asian or Pacific Islander named Cho Lum Kin... 317 00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,090 Good luck in searchings! 318 00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:58,426 ...but still no sign of Lurleen’s dad! 319 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,638 Hello. 320 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,932 Are you Royce Lumpkin? 321 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:08,018 -That’s right. -The father of Lurleen Lumpkin? 322 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:09,228 Lurleen? 323 00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:10,229 (sighs) 324 00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:12,815 I ain’t seen my little girl in 30 years. 325 00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:15,443 She must be what, uh, 12, 13 by now? 326 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:18,446 She’s 34, and she’s having a rough time! 327 00:12:18,529 --> 00:12:20,322 Oh, man. 328 00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:23,868 I better whiskey up these corn flakes. 329 00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:26,203 She needs to see you right away! 330 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:27,830 Oh, man. 331 00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,915 I better heroin up this orange juice. 332 00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,630 (birds singing) 333 00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:38,424 (goofy male humming and rhythmic clapping) 334 00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:42,386 (gasps) 335 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,890 There’s only one man who can hambone like that. 336 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,350 (humming) 337 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,351 Daddy! 338 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,148 Lurleen?! My goodness. 339 00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:58,694 Why, you’re the spittin’ image of your mother’s hotter sister! 340 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,238 -(grunts) -Royce Lumpkin, where you been? 341 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,073 I’ve been a dang fool. That’s where. 342 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:04,617 (clears throat) 343 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,410 Can you forgive me, Lurleen? 344 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,788 The way that I immediately forgave myself? 345 00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,918 Ooh! 346 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:15,169 (sighs) 347 00:13:15,252 --> 00:13:17,171 I can, Daddy! 348 00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:19,256 ROYCE: Mmm! 349 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,300 I made that hug happen! 350 00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,676 Wait a minute. 351 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,094 He’s a deadbeat dad, 352 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,597 and yet, he’s getting as much love as me, 353 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:28,516 a dad too lazy to run away! 354 00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:32,770 And he has hair! Oh! 355 00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:35,105 Bart, get me my suicide axe. 356 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,607 No suicide axe! 357 00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:37,900 Oh. 358 00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:39,276 Later. 359 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:46,826 You know what I like best about this T-shirt? 360 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,744 I’ll always be able to see 361 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,746 your face. 362 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,998 Oh, well, you don’t need a T-shirt 363 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,625 for that, Tootsie Pop, 364 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,836 ’cause I ain’t ever gonna leave you again. 365 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,381 Just sit still in my lap! 366 00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,007 What lap? 367 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,634 Yeah, all I see is a gut with knees! 368 00:14:03,717 --> 00:14:04,844 Why you little... 369 00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:06,846 (Homer grunting, Bart and Lisa laughing) 370 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:09,640 Get back here so we can put our love on a shirt! 371 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:10,558 (camera shutter clicks) 372 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:14,228 (both cackling) 373 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:15,145 What? 374 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,314 Lurleen’s daddy comes back after 30 years, 375 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,191 and he’s father of the year. 376 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,568 Why can’t I leave for 30 years? 377 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:21,777 Fine with me. 378 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,195 Look, I packed you a bag. 379 00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:24,738 Well, it might be cold outside. 380 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:27,199 No problem. I bought you a hat. 381 00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:28,576 Oh, I see. 382 00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:29,869 It’s reverse psychology. 383 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,203 Well, in that case, 384 00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:34,039 I’m not going, and I’m not staying. 385 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,208 And I’ll cut my steak with a spoon, 386 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:39,086 then take a walk on the ceiling. 387 00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,297 (both laughing) 388 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,216 Oh, Daddy, you made me the happiest girl 389 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,719 on whichever side of the Mississippi this is. 390 00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:50,472 And last night, I wrote this song just for you. 391 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:52,224 (strumming upbeat country song) 392 00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:57,688 ♪ For 30 years you made me cry ♪ 393 00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:01,483 ♪ But now I see you ain’t such a bad guy ♪ 394 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:06,322 ♪ I haven’t felt this good since the Lord knows when ♪ 395 00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:07,865 (goofy humming) 396 00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:11,076 ♪ And I’m sure you got a million reasons ♪ 397 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,496 ♪ For being gone a hundred-twenty seasons ♪ 398 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,165 ♪ My daddy’s back ♪ 399 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:19,752 ♪ And I’m feelin’ like a daughter again ♪ 400 00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:21,629 (stomach squeaks rhythmically) 401 00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:23,464 ♪ Yeah, Daddy’s back ♪ 402 00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,674 ♪ And I’m feelin’ like a daughter ♪ 403 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,176 ♪ Daddy’s back ♪ 404 00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,470 ♪ And she’s feelin’ like she oughter ♪ 405 00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:30,888 ♪ Daddy’s back ♪ 406 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,223 ♪ And he’s drinking bottled water ♪ 407 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,976 ♪ Keep it down, I’m reading Harry Potter ♪ 408 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:39,730 ♪ My body wash is Estée Lauder ♪ 409 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:44,276 ♪ Daddy’s back and I’m feelin’ like a daughter again! ♪ 410 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,070 (song ends) 411 00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,364 ♪ And here comes Grampa with an otter! ♪ 412 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:49,865 Song’s over, Dad. 413 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,785 Oh! I took three buses to get here. 414 00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:54,328 (crickets chirping) 415 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,545 (floorboards creaking) 416 00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,965 (quietly): ♪ Daddy’s a deadbeat ♪ 417 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:09,093 ♪ He’s leaving his daughter again ♪ 418 00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,010 (door squeaks) 419 00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:17,184 I’m really worried about Lurleen. 420 00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:18,936 Yeah, me, too. 421 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,854 Since her father re-abandoned her, 422 00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:24,024 she’s cut the word "pop" out of all of our foods. 423 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,367 You’d think a house full of crazy people would be fun. 424 00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:34,785 It’s actually really depressing. 425 00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:36,787 (sighs) 426 00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:40,124 (sobbing quietly) 427 00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,750 Aw, cheer up. 428 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,419 You still got your talent, 429 00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:46,672 and that new song you wrote is gonna be a really big hit. 430 00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:48,549 Here’s a new song that’s rising faster 431 00:16:48,632 --> 00:16:50,759 than a rocket with a rocket up its butt. 432 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,803 It’s from the Dixie Chicks! 433 00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:56,306 (strumming song with same melody as "Daddy’s Back") 434 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,727 ♪ We said some things that came out wrong ♪ 435 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:03,731 ♪ But now we’ve got a brand-new song ♪ 436 00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:09,236 ♪ ’Cause free speech needs curtailin’ now and then ♪ 437 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:13,615 ♪ We pledge allegiance to Fox News ♪ 438 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,952 ♪ Please take away our right to choose... ♪ 439 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:19,204 Ooh, that sounds just like my song, 440 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:22,332 but how could they have heard...? 441 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,501 (gasps) Daddy! 442 00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:25,836 ♪ America’s back ♪ 443 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:29,089 ♪ And we’re feeling patri-otter again ♪ 444 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,632 ♪ ♪ 445 00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:32,051 ♪ America’s back ♪ 446 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:34,636 ♪ And we’re feeling patri-otter ♪ 447 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,513 ♪ Freedom’s a germ and we’re ♪ 448 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,390 ♪ Glad that we caught ’er ♪ 449 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:39,641 ♪ Liberty has ♪ 450 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,602 ♪ Never looked hotter ♪ 451 00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:43,312 ♪ I used to love ♪ 452 00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:44,938 ♪ Welcome Back Kotter ♪ 453 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,440 ♪ America’s back ♪ 454 00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,777 ♪ And we’re feeling patri-otter again! ♪ 455 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,528 (song ends) 456 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,030 Take it away, Royce! 457 00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:54,615 He wrote this song! 458 00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:57,910 (fast-paced instrumental interlude and goofy humming) 459 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:06,919 -Hey! -(song ends) 460 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,881 If you need me, I’ll be... 461 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,591 Oh, who am I kidding? 462 00:18:12,674 --> 00:18:14,593 No one needs me. 463 00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,559 (door squeaking) 464 00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,686 (spurs jangling) 465 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,355 (gasps) Colonel Homer! 466 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:27,981 And Major Marge! 467 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:29,566 Well, I don’t... 468 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,152 Lurleen, you’re giving your dad too much power 469 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,905 over the way you feel about yourself. 470 00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:38,033 Stop getting your self-esteem from the men in your life. 471 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,119 Well, that’s easy for you to say. 472 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:42,204 You’re married to a kind, thoughtful genius. 473 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:43,997 Uh, yeah... 474 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:48,168 Marge, my fringes are knotted again. 475 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:50,420 There’s only one person in the world 476 00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,339 who can tell you what to do. 477 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,299 And that person is right here! 478 00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:56,051 Santa Claus?! 479 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,971 No, no, that’s just our old Christmas decorations. 480 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,222 (grunts) 481 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:01,974 -Huh? -Me?! 482 00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:03,725 Yes! 483 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:05,519 It’s time for you to take control 484 00:19:05,602 --> 00:19:06,979 of your own destiny. 485 00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:08,564 You’re not a doormat. 486 00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:10,691 You’re a door prize! 487 00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:12,276 You’re right, Marge. 488 00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,111 And remember, you can do anything 489 00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:16,238 you want in the world of country music, 490 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:19,283 Western wear merchandising and TV movies. 491 00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:21,160 Regular movies-- don’t hold your breath. 492 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:23,662 But TV movies-- the sky’s the limit. 493 00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:26,999 Colonel, you’re still my knight in white polyester. 494 00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:28,584 Ten percent Lycra. 495 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:29,918 Oh, I noticed. 496 00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,254 Congratulations! 497 00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,339 That song I wrote you was so patriotic, 498 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:36,466 they decided to make it into a Chevy commercial, 499 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,136 so I, uh, changed a few lines. 500 00:19:40,762 --> 00:19:41,889 I don’t know. 501 00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,266 You’re asking us to sell out our song. 502 00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:45,350 And for what? 503 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,852 -Cash money. -(all gasping) 504 00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,812 Money? Ooh, we love money! 505 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,314 Really? That’s great! 506 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:52,524 I’m gonna buy me a clock radio! 507 00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:53,901 Royce Boss Hogg Lumpkin, 508 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:55,611 you are a thief! 509 00:19:55,694 --> 00:19:57,446 A dirty, rotten, lowdown... 510 00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:01,033 I think I can say it better with this. 511 00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:02,242 (grunts) 512 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:03,744 No, no, no, don’t hit him in the head! 513 00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:05,871 He needs that to think up our songs. 514 00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:09,666 I’m Lurleen Lumpkin, and he stole your song from me! 515 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,126 -What?! -What?! -What?! 516 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,044 (gasping) 517 00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:15,005 Okay, maybe I abandoned my daughter 518 00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:16,590 and stole her song, 519 00:20:16,673 --> 00:20:18,717 but I’m still the most honorable record producer 520 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:19,885 y’all have ever met. 521 00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:21,470 Well, he’s got us there. 522 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:23,722 Still, in human terms, he’s deplorable. 523 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,266 Let’s make guitar picks out of him! 524 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:28,185 -(women growling) -No! 525 00:20:28,268 --> 00:20:29,645 I’m droppin’ y’all as clients. Ow! 526 00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,313 (birds singing) 527 00:20:31,396 --> 00:20:34,274 Oh, I can’t thank you guys enough. 528 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,526 Now I’m opening for the Dixie Chicks, 529 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,821 and I may have just met husband #4. 530 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:41,698 Babe, need a hundred bucks for beer. 531 00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:46,161 Ooh, I think he’s a keeper. 532 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,163 Well, you’re very welcome, Lurleen. 533 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,290 Of all the women who’ve hit on Homer 534 00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:52,960 over the years, you’re my favorite. 535 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:54,378 ALL: Aw. 536 00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:57,256 If you ever come near Homer again, 537 00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:00,384 I’ll strangle you with your own hair extensions. 538 00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:03,887 That’s right. I know. 539 00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:09,518 {\an8}Captioned by VISUAL DATA 540 00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:12,187 {\an8}♪ We said some things that came out wrong ♪ 541 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,774 {\an8}♪ But now we’ve got a brand-new song ♪ 542 00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:21,738 {\an8}♪ ’Cause free speech needs curtailin’ now and then ♪ 543 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:25,909 {\an8}♪ We pledge allegiance to Fox News ♪ 544 00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,787 {\an8}♪ Please take away our right to choose ♪ 545 00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:31,123 {\an8}♪ America’s back ♪ 546 00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:34,668 {\an8}♪ And we’re feeling patri-otter again ♪ 547 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:37,671 {\an8}♪ America’s back ♪ 548 00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:39,256 {\an8}♪ And we’re feeling patri-otter ♪ 549 00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:41,341 {\an8}♪ Freedom’s a germ ♪ 550 00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:43,427 {\an8}♪ And we’re glad that we caught ’er ♪ 551 00:21:43,510 --> 00:21:46,555 {\an8}♪ Liberty has never looked hotter ♪ 552 00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,598 {\an8}♪ America’s back ♪ 553 00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:52,936 {\an8}♪ And we’re feeling patri-otter again! ♪ 554 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,106 {\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem