1 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,381 CHORUS SINGS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,468 D’oh! 3 00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:11,594 (screams) 4 00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:12,512 {\an8}(tires screeching) 5 00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:14,055 (clicking) 6 00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:30,321 {\an8}("Hooray for Hollywood" playing) 7 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:33,116 {\an8}(camera shutters clicking) 8 00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:36,077 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the 38th annual Springfield Showbiz Awards. 9 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,829 {\an8}There are more stars here tonight 10 00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:40,248 {\an8}than you can see in the sky, thanks to light pollution. 11 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:42,292 {\an8}Here comes the magnificently-mammaried, 12 00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:45,211 {\an8}mistress of midnight movie mayhem, Booberella. 13 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:47,255 {\an8}The twins look happy tonight. 14 00:00:47,338 --> 00:00:49,215 {\an8}And what have we here? 15 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,550 {\an8}It’s ventriloquist Arthur Crandall 16 00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,594 {\an8}and his walnut wingman, Gabbo. 17 00:00:52,677 --> 00:00:54,804 Gabbo! Gabbo, over here! 18 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:56,598 Get a job, parasites. 19 00:00:56,681 --> 00:00:58,850 (goofy laughter) 20 00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,894 {\an8}(British accent): We now come to our final award, 21 00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:02,520 {\an8}"Entertainer of the Year." 22 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:04,689 {\an8}An award so prestigious, that it recently won 23 00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:08,568 {\an8}the "Award of the Year" award at the 2007 Awardy Awards. 24 00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,779 {\an8}This year’s nominees are an eclectic group. 25 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:12,489 {\an8}SIDESHOW MEL: This distinguished-looking gentleman 26 00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,158 {\an8}is a highly-respected actor. 27 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,953 {\an8}It’s not important what he says, or who he’s a parody of. 28 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:21,623 {\an8}Only one person here really matters-- 29 00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,000 {\an8}the recipient of this award. 30 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,752 {\an8}No, it is not me. 31 00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,295 {\an8}I am but your humble narrator 32 00:01:27,378 --> 00:01:30,423 {\an8}in this tale of fame, betrayal and coin collecting. 33 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:32,008 {\an8}But more about that later. 34 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,176 {\an8}Nor is it him. 35 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,511 {\an8}Nor him. 36 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,887 {\an8}Nor ham. 37 00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,098 {\an8}No, tonight is about her. 38 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,517 {\an8}This year’s award goes to... 39 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,268 {\an8}Lisa Simpson. 40 00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,979 (applause and cheering) 41 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,815 SIDESHOW MEL: Surprised? 42 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:48,483 Let me start at the beginning, 43 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:51,194 and tell you a little bit about Lisa. 44 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:55,865 In fact, All About Lisa. 45 00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:01,329 ANNOUNCER: And now, in honor of Krusty’s 4,000th episode, 46 00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:04,207 put your hands together for Drew Carey. 47 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:05,917 {\an8}-(cheering) -Thank you. 48 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:07,127 {\an8}Thank you. 49 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,504 {\an8}Wow, 4,000 episodes. 50 00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,548 {\an8}It seems like just yesterday 51 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:14,300 {\an8}Krusty stole his first joke from me. 52 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,469 {\an8}Seriously, though, I remember watching him as a kid, 53 00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:19,055 {\an8}and I thought, "I could do that, and I’m a kid." 54 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,767 {\an8}What I love about Krusty is, he’s always on... 55 00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:25,645 {\an8}but to find out what, you’ve gotta test his pee. 56 00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:27,772 {\an8}-Pee! -(laughter) 57 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,274 {\an8}Seriously, test his pee. 58 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:31,401 {\an8}He’s a danger to the community. 59 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:34,779 {\an8}And now I give you a man whose act will never grow old, 60 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,573 {\an8}because it started out that way: 61 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:37,991 {\an8}(laughing) 62 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:40,326 {\an8}Krusty the Clown. 63 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,537 (goofy laughter, audience cheering) 64 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:43,955 Thank you. 65 00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:46,082 {\an8}I never thought I’d make it past 400 episodes, 66 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,834 {\an8}what with the drinking and the smoking 67 00:02:47,917 --> 00:02:50,378 {\an8}and the fact that I’m just not that good. 68 00:02:50,461 --> 00:02:53,756 {\an8}It seems like just yesterday that we started the show, 69 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,009 with the original Krusketeers. 70 00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:57,844 (playing upbeat melody) 71 00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:00,889 ♪ Who’s our favorite TV clown who likes to clown around? ♪ 72 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:02,432 ♪ K-R-U... ♪ 73 00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:04,184 ♪ S-T-Y... ♪ 74 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:07,770 Hey! Quit steppin’ on my solo, ya creepy little show monkeys! 75 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,939 (Krusty stammering) 76 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,191 (laughing nervously) 77 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:13,902 And here they are today. 78 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,154 Come on out, Krusketeers. 79 00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:17,697 I’m Jesse. 80 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:19,741 (upbeat theme song playing) 81 00:03:19,824 --> 00:03:21,868 -(bone cracks) -Ow. 82 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,703 C.J. 83 00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:26,039 (purring seductively) 84 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,627 You owe me money, Krusty. 85 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,170 I did time for you, clown. 86 00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:33,630 Hard time. 87 00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:34,839 Isn’t that great. 88 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,716 They all came back to see me. 89 00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:38,176 That’s right. 90 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,136 All except the successful ones. 91 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,596 Now guess what, kids? 92 00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:45,642 The Krusty Show is searching for a new Krusketeer. 93 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,061 It could be any of you. 94 00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:49,562 As long you’re willing to sign 95 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,481 a 20 year personal services contract 96 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,399 where I get 99% of all your earnings. 97 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,026 (laughing) 98 00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:56,444 I am so gonna try out for that. 99 00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:57,528 Me, too. 100 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:58,988 But I hope you get it. 101 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,406 No, I hope you get it. 102 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,825 Well, I really hope you get it. 103 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,911 Yeah, I hope I get it, too. Later. 104 00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:08,164 For a second there, he hoped I got it. 105 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,339 (squeals happily) 106 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,177 A great man once observed: 107 00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:25,098 "90% of success is showing up on time." 108 00:04:25,181 --> 00:04:26,266 Sorry I’m four hours late. 109 00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:29,352 Now let’s pick a Krusketeer! 110 00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:33,064 (plays note) 111 00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:35,066 (cracks knuckles) 112 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,609 -♪ Ow,ow ♪ -♪ Ow, ow ♪ 113 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,236 -♪ Ow,ow ♪ -♪ Ow! ♪ 114 00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,196 -♪ Ow,ow ♪ -♪ Ow, ow ♪ 115 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,073 -♪ Ow,ow ♪ -♪ Ow...! ♪ 116 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,868 For my first impression... 117 00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:49,872 I’m a lantern fish. 118 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:52,292 (laughter) 119 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,629 Now I’m a jack-o’-lantern. 120 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,131 (laughter) 121 00:04:58,214 --> 00:04:59,716 E.T. 122 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:01,968 B.E.T. 123 00:05:02,051 --> 00:05:03,720 -(cheering and whistling) -Yay, Bart! 124 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,514 My son’s a good-for-somethin’! 125 00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:08,057 Uh, yeah, okay. 126 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,101 You kids were all terrific. 127 00:05:10,184 --> 00:05:13,396 I wish I could make each of you a Krusketeer, 128 00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:15,356 but we only have enough money for one. 129 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,941 Plus, I don’t really want to. 130 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:20,320 So after much consideration of all your talents, 131 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,113 (drumroll) my new Krusketeer is... 132 00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:24,032 What’s your kid’s name again? 133 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,575 Nelson Muntz. 134 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:27,952 Wilbur Mudd. 135 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:29,162 That’s me. 136 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:30,747 -Here’s Mudd in your eye. -Ow! 137 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:32,498 (Nelson humming) 138 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:35,126 I can’t believe I lost. 139 00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:40,590 That’s not fair-- Bart was great. 140 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:43,051 Hey, Krusty, you’re making a huge mistake 141 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,969 not hiring my brother. 142 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,429 Why don’t you hire them both? 143 00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:47,764 It won’t cost you anything-- 144 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,182 you could call Bart an intern. 145 00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:50,850 In fact, the intern thing 146 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,686 could open up a whole new world of free labor for you. 147 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:55,438 Did you know the Discovery Channel 148 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,523 doesn’t have a single paid employee? 149 00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,443 Hm. Okay, kid, you’ve convinced me. 150 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:01,944 To make Bart a Krusketeer? 151 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,071 Hell, no. 152 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,655 To make you my new intern. 153 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,074 You’re a real go-getter. 154 00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:07,325 Now go get me my dry-cleaning, 155 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:09,202 which is my code word for scotch. 156 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:10,536 And get me a scotch, 157 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,747 which is my code word for my bookie. 158 00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,082 Also, go get my dry-cleaning. 159 00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:15,458 Wha... but... 160 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,085 Wha, but, wha, wha, wha, but. 161 00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:18,419 What are you standing around for? 162 00:06:18,503 --> 00:06:20,755 I wish I was paying you, so I could dock your salary. 163 00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:22,548 (groans) 164 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:24,592 SIDESHOW MEL: Lisa didn’t know it then, 165 00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:28,179 but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. 166 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:30,223 And it is a business, 167 00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:32,809 as you shall find out in about three seconds. 168 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,352 Two... one... 169 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,815 {\an8}SHOW MEL: Over the years, show business has been home 170 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:41,776 to scoundrels and saints, thespians and harlequins, 171 00:06:41,859 --> 00:06:43,444 Abbots and Costelli. 172 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:46,114 And they all had one thing in common-- 173 00:06:46,197 --> 00:06:48,950 an underpaid assistant. 174 00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:50,368 Cancel my 1:00. 175 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,662 Move my 2:00 to 1:00 and cancel that. 176 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,247 Oh, and go to my joke file 177 00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:55,706 and make all the "Sophia Lorens" 178 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,417 into "Lindsay Lohans." 179 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,835 So do a global change? 180 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,586 What am I, Al Gore? Just do it. 181 00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,005 (humming) 182 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:08,886 What are you lookin’ at? 183 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,305 I’m just trying to hit my marks. 184 00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:12,807 And I don’t? Is that what you’re saying? 185 00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:14,016 No, no. 186 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,977 I think you’re a consummate pro. 187 00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:17,645 Oh, so now you’re judging me. 188 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:20,314 Well, whaddaya think of this: you’re fired. 189 00:07:20,398 --> 00:07:23,443 Yeah, well, my mom says you’re a selfish lover. 190 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,069 I know what I want and I get it. 191 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,738 (grunting) 192 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,699 I’ll trash you in my memoirs! 193 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,742 Pay attention-- you’ll be writing my memoirs. 194 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,744 (moans): I’ll never last here. 195 00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,163 Chin up, little gofer. 196 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:37,665 You can succeed with Krusty. 197 00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:40,626 A few hints: Always carry a cigar in case he asks. 198 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,253 Never meet his gaze. 199 00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:45,923 And if he mentions Mitzi Gaynor-- and he will-- 200 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:49,051 for God’s sake act like you know who she is. 201 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,970 I got pastrami stuck in my teeth, 202 00:07:51,053 --> 00:07:53,264 and that’s everybody’s problem. 203 00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:54,891 Who’s got floss? 204 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,143 (whimpering) 205 00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:58,895 (panicked chattering) 206 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,814 Mm-hmm. 207 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:02,899 Here you go, Krusty. 208 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,860 Uh-huh. (grunting) 209 00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:08,112 Nicely done, kid. 210 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,655 You’re the best thing that’s happened 211 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:11,282 to this business since... 212 00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:12,700 Mitzi Gaynor? 213 00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:15,786 I was gonna say "cheap Korean animation," but sure. 214 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:16,662 (Bart moans) 215 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,332 I can’t believe you’re working for Krusty and I’m not. 216 00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:21,042 I know everything about that clown. 217 00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:22,835 Favorite blintz: blueberry. 218 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:25,671 Favorite horse in the 2004 Belmont: Smarty Jones. 219 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:28,758 Krusty lost a bundle and had to endorse baby wipes in Norway. 220 00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:29,926 Which I have a case of. 221 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,469 LISA (reading): 222 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:35,932 (muttering) Krusty... 223 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,975 Bart’s having girl trouble. 224 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,143 You better go talk to him. 225 00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:40,353 It’s clown trouble. 226 00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:42,480 That’s your responsibility. 227 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:45,358 I thought I was in charge of bedtime stories and pets dying. 228 00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,610 Yeah, well, we’re adding clowns. 229 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:48,861 Oh! Fine. 230 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,613 But you just bought yourself "ear piercing" 231 00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:53,199 -and "strange new feelings." -Fine. 232 00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:55,576 Lisa’s got school, career, posture. 233 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:57,828 Why did she have to steal Krusty from me? 234 00:08:57,912 --> 00:09:01,123 Son, the healthy thing is to get rid of everything 235 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,167 that reminds you of Krusty... 236 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,419 which appears to be everything. 237 00:09:05,503 --> 00:09:08,130 Hey, maybe we should give Lisa this room. 238 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,966 You know she works for Krusty now. 239 00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,717 (moans) 240 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,843 BART: Okay, here’s my offer: 241 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:15,888 All this primo Krusty merchandise 242 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,057 for that copy of Radioactive Man vs. Muhammad Ali. 243 00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,475 My counteroffer: 244 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,228 Radioactive Man Meets the Kansas City Royals. 245 00:09:22,311 --> 00:09:26,357 How about Radioactive Man vs. Restless Leg Syndrome ? 246 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,359 Let us try a different tack. 247 00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:30,111 Are you interested in coin collecting? 248 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,862 Am I?! No. 249 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,240 Hmm. 250 00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:36,409 Wait, wait, wait. 251 00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:38,202 I will start you off with this bicentennial quarter 252 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:40,663 and I will throw in my man scrunchie. 253 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,416 (seductive music plays) 254 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:49,839 Uh, we’ll stick with the coins. 255 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,092 Whoa, nice. 256 00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:55,428 Everything in its place, 257 00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:57,555 nothin’ festering inside of nothin’. 258 00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,890 You’ve alphabetized my book collection. 259 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,225 (Krusty laughs) 260 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,477 I’ve never had such a great assistant. 261 00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,938 I’m gonna call you "The Goy Wonder." 262 00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,441 Because I don’t remember your name. 263 00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:11,485 All right, time to fill these slots with coins. 264 00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:13,738 Specific coins? 265 00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:15,615 (moans): This hobby sucks. 266 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,326 Son, all hobbies suck. 267 00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:21,078 But if you keep at it, you might find at the end 268 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:24,332 that you’ve managed to kill some precious time. 269 00:10:24,415 --> 00:10:27,293 Wow, I never thought of it like that. 270 00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:28,919 Do you want to collect coins with your old man? 271 00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,338 You bet I do! 272 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,214 To your mother’s purse. 273 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,508 ( The Andy Griffith Show theme playing) 274 00:10:57,323 --> 00:11:00,618 (shouting gibberish) 275 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,245 HOMER: Oh, yeah? 276 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,538 Well, what do you think of them apples? 277 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:05,956 (blows landing, water splashing) 278 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,333 LEPRECHAUN: I’ll take all of ya. 279 00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,085 (shouting gibberish) 280 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,378 No, don’t put that... 281 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,004 (screaming) 282 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,633 Slide in the 1863 Confederate half dime 283 00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,678 and every slot is full. 284 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,222 This is the first book I’ve ever finished reading 285 00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:22,973 or pushing things into. 286 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:24,725 What the...? We missed one! 287 00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:28,854 BART: "The Inverted Double-struck Penny, 288 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:31,607 or ’Kissing Lincolns’ was mistakenly minted 289 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,818 in December of 1917, 290 00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:35,695 when a brief glimpse of a woman’s ankle 291 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,363 caused three days of rioting 292 00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:38,531 at the Philadelphia Mint." 293 00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,449 The one on the left looks into it, 294 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,035 but the one on the right is just experimenting. 295 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,246 Son, we are getting that coin. 296 00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:47,498 (humming) 297 00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,542 Here I am, walking the plank. 298 00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:52,628 I wish this mean pirate wasn’t poking me with his sword! 299 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:53,838 Where’s the chimp? 300 00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:55,506 Mr. Teeny’s not here. 301 00:11:55,589 --> 00:11:56,841 He’s stuck in traffic. 302 00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:57,883 Oh, what do I do? 303 00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,635 I can’t ad lib to save my life. 304 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,053 (hyperventilating) 305 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,888 Oh, boy, oh, boy. 306 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,474 ♪ Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of fun. ♪ 307 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,809 (whispering): What are you doing, kid? 308 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,185 My job: making you look good. 309 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,478 Oh, yeah, right. 310 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,648 So, what be your name, matey? 311 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,609 Long John Seltzer! 312 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,611 (groaning) 313 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:18,738 Whoa! 314 00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:19,822 (laughter) 315 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,748 SIDESHOW MEL: The laughter swept over her like a wave, 316 00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:32,251 enveloping her in its intoxicating embrace. 317 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:35,212 The next week, Krusty went to his Lake Tahoe retreat 318 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:37,840 for some R&R. 319 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,551 But he was about to get an unexpected visit 320 00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:42,303 from a third and fourth R, 321 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:44,764 Ron Rabinowitz. 322 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:47,349 Krusty, I’ve been your agent for 45 years. 323 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,559 I am telling you, 324 00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:50,186 watch out for this Lisa Simpson character. 325 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:51,979 She has got a taste for Lady Laughter, 326 00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:54,440 and she will step right over a certain clown to get it. 327 00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:55,816 Which clown? Chuckles? 328 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:56,817 Professor Nitwit? 329 00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,402 No, you! 330 00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,113 No Yu, the Chinese Clown? 331 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,907 (laughs) 332 00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:05,785 Oh, great one, Krusty. 333 00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:07,828 But seriously, you’re in real trouble here. 334 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,288 (phone ringing) Yeah? 335 00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,290 -(monkey chortling) -What do you mean? 336 00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:13,918 If there was a rehearsal for the network, 337 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:15,669 I would’ve been told by my... 338 00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,087 (gasps) 339 00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,756 ...assistant! 340 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:20,508 Well, where is he? 341 00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:22,343 I don’t know, I guess he forgot. 342 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,678 But people seemed to like me last week. 343 00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:26,680 You stood in for Mr. Teeny. 344 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,599 How’d you like to stand in for Krusty? 345 00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:31,769 Oh, well, it’s one thing to fill in for a monkey. 346 00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,562 But a comedy legend? 347 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,231 I wouldn’t dream of it. 348 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,274 I respect that. Cancel the run-through. 349 00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:38,859 -Okay, I’ll do the monologue. -(nose squeaks) 350 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:41,612 Evening, Mr. Krusty. 351 00:13:41,695 --> 00:13:43,155 -Great show last... -Sorry, 352 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,907 -I can’t act like you matter! -Huh? 353 00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,035 (tires screeching) 354 00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:52,915 Have no fear, the star is here! 355 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,291 Shh! We’re working! 356 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:55,709 Huh? 357 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,044 So the centipede says: 358 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:58,420 "I’m goin’! I’m goin’! 359 00:13:58,504 --> 00:14:00,840 I’m just putting on my shoes!" 360 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,633 (laughter) 361 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:05,010 Now, that’s well-performed comedy! 362 00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,263 Oh, my God. 363 00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,223 Everything you said came true, Ron. 364 00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:10,850 Uh, Ron? 365 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,560 So you’ll come to the agency tomorrow 366 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,144 and I’ll introduce you to the whole team, okay? 367 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,896 You like egg white omelets? 368 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,565 It’ll be waiting. You’re a good girl. 369 00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,149 (groans) 370 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,652 I’ve been replaced by an eight-year-old. 371 00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:23,696 I can be eight! 372 00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:25,281 ♪ La, la, la, la. ♪ 373 00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,283 I’m eight years old. 374 00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:29,660 (sobbing) 375 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,418 SIDESHOW MEL: Krusty, you’ve learned that fame, that fickle beauty, 376 00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:39,837 can leave you when you need it most. 377 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,464 And Lisa had a lesson to learn as well. 378 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,466 A lesson about-- You, there! 379 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,593 Cut that out! 380 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,177 Sorry, sorry. 381 00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:51,891 -♪♪ -Thank you, folks. 382 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:54,184 You’ve been a great audience. 383 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,480 I’m gonna keep this forever! 384 00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:02,318 SIDESHOW MEL: All of Springfield fell head over heels for Lisa. 385 00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:04,361 (gasps): Here she comes. 386 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,614 Quick, switch from internal monologue to external dialogue! 387 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,491 Shall we visit the commissary to toast your success? 388 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:10,826 Yeah, sure, Mel. 389 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,244 Let me just wave one more good-bye to my fans. 390 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,747 (cheering and applause) 391 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,498 (music playing, laughter) 392 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,970 (sighing) 393 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,014 While applause rained down on Lisa, 394 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,683 poor Krusty found himself parched. 395 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,311 It’s 3:32 a.m., 396 00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:39,063 which means it’s time for 397 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:42,316 Last Gasp with Krusty the Clown! 398 00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:43,525 (scattered applause) 399 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:46,195 Brought to you by Nappien, Nok-em-Out 400 00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,447 and Nok-em-Out Jr. for kids. 401 00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:52,076 Tonight’s guest is local bully, Jimbo Jones? 402 00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,827 (scattered applause) 403 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,497 (groans) 404 00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,290 This is the lowest I’ve ever sunk 405 00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:01,043 and I once made out with blow-up doll. 406 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:08,592 (grunting) 407 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,637 Sorry you broke up with me now, Cindy? 408 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,263 One of these has got to be 409 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:14,682 that smooching Lincoln penny. 410 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,684 Nope. Nope. Dime. Button. 411 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,310 Pepperoni slice. Wait! 412 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:21,480 This is a classic 1978 Pizza Hut! 413 00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:26,068 Mmm... terrible. 414 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,736 Nope. Nope. Nope. 415 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,029 Son, 416 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,407 coin collecting’s a lot like life. 417 00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:34,618 It stopped being fun a long time ago. 418 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:37,788 But unlike life, I have a solution for this. 419 00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:39,039 (pounding gavel) 420 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,041 Going once, going twice... 421 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,876 sold to Mr. Burns! 422 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,461 I’ve won every coin. 423 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:46,463 But I feel strangely empty. 424 00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:48,048 Ooh, there’s another coin. 425 00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,216 That should do it. 426 00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:51,427 Our last item up for bid is a mint condition 427 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,971 1917 "Kissing Lincoln" penny. 428 00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:54,972 Okay, boy, this is it. 429 00:16:55,055 --> 00:16:56,015 Five dollars! 430 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:57,016 $500. 431 00:16:57,099 --> 00:17:00,227 Five dollars cash! 432 00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:03,188 Sir, the promise of cash is not an enticement. 433 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:05,566 The current bid is $500. 434 00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,317 Do I hear a counter bid? Going once, 435 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:08,819 -going twice... -Dad? 436 00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:10,029 $501! 437 00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,030 $10 million. 438 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,197 Objection, your honor. 439 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:13,240 Sir, I am not a judge. 440 00:17:13,323 --> 00:17:14,658 But, um, overruled. 441 00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,036 Sold to Mr. Burns for $10 million! 442 00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:20,664 (coins clanging) 443 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:21,999 Mmm. 444 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,585 I paid a pretty penny for this pretty penny, 445 00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:26,336 -but it was worth it. -(tapping on window) 446 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,755 (window whirring) 447 00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:30,632 Mr. Burns, my son and I have been collecting coins. 448 00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:33,594 It’s really brought us closer together. 449 00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:35,220 That penny you bought tonight 450 00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,181 would mean the world to him. 451 00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:38,974 Yes, but the problem is, 452 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:41,393 if you had it, I wouldn’t. 453 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,853 You see the difficulty. 454 00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,855 Mmm. Yeah. 455 00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:46,273 I’ll tell you what, 456 00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:48,442 at least help me buy the boy a gumball. 457 00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:49,943 Do you have change for a nickel? 458 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,612 Oh, of course. 459 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,655 Smithers, step on it! 460 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:54,865 (laughing) 461 00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:56,867 I only gave him four cents for that nickel. 462 00:17:56,950 --> 00:17:58,368 Monty Burns wins a... 463 00:17:58,452 --> 00:17:59,578 (screams) 464 00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:02,414 HOMER: And... done. 465 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:04,249 Now, let’s put it on a shelf 466 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,043 and never look at it again. 467 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,795 You got it, boy. 468 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,508 SIDESHOW MEL: And so, bonded by love and larceny, 469 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:14,676 father and son got dressed, 470 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,970 had a minor disagreement... 471 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,222 -You little... -(gagging) 472 00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:20,766 ...patched things up... 473 00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,142 (sobbing) 474 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,269 Sorry, Dad. 475 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,021 ...and went downtown, 476 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:30,275 where they watched proudly, as Lisa accepted her award. 477 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,277 (cheering and applause) 478 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,032 (humming) 479 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,785 Lisa, before you walk away from this venerable hall 480 00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,787 and into the arms of your adoring fans, 481 00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:43,539 may I have a moment? 482 00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,541 Well, I do owe you everything. 483 00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:46,583 Make it quick. 484 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:48,627 Behold your fellow winners 485 00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:50,587 of the Entertainer of the Year Award. 486 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,630 Hmm. 487 00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:53,257 I don’t recognize any of them. 488 00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:55,259 And why should you? 489 00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:57,886 He appears nightly on Broadway, 490 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,264 selling combs and mints in the men’s room. 491 00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:02,850 She was fired after a bad rehearsal 492 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,686 from Homeboys In Outer Space. 493 00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:07,896 And perhaps the saddest one of all, 494 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,024 he graced stages from London to Los Angeles. 495 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,443 When he played Biff in Death Of A Salesman, 496 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,821 every woman in the audience 497 00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,322 wished they were Hap. 498 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:19,950 But that was before he... 499 00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,953 "took the bone." 500 00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:25,289 Melvin Van Horne. 501 00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:26,707 (gasps) 502 00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:28,292 Sideshow Mel?! 503 00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:29,710 It’s you! 504 00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:31,712 How could this happen to you, 505 00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:33,547 to all these wonderful performers? 506 00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:36,008 Applause is an addiction, 507 00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:39,428 like heroin or checking your e-mail. 508 00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:40,804 Once you have a taste, 509 00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,973 you’ll do anything to get more. 510 00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,975 Don’t end up like these people. 511 00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:47,769 Don’t end up like... 512 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,146 me. 513 00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:50,689 (sobbing) 514 00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:53,400 I need to get out while I still can. 515 00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,736 Thank you, Mel. 516 00:19:55,819 --> 00:19:56,987 Everyone, wait! 517 00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:59,198 Um, there’s someone I forgot to thank, 518 00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:01,200 and he’s here tonight. Krusty, 519 00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:02,951 will you come up on stage, please? 520 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,369 What do you want? 521 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,538 You’ve already taken everything I care about. 522 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:07,956 Really? 523 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,791 So what else is in the news? 524 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,169 This just in: I don’t give a crap. 525 00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:14,171 I’m trying to set you up for laughs. 526 00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:15,756 Trying to set me up with a giraffe? 527 00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,716 (laughter) 528 00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:19,134 Oh, right. 529 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,887 You guys know about giraffes-- long legs, big neck. 530 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:23,347 Here comes the zinger. 531 00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:27,434 Speaking of necks, my girlfriend is a real pain in mine. 532 00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,394 She crashed her car into mine and said, 533 00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:32,189 "Look, honey, we have a hybrid." 534 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:33,357 (laughter) 535 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,943 Timely. 536 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,654 SIDESHOW MEL: By giving everything away, 537 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,365 she was able to keep the only thing that mattered: 538 00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,701 her dignity. 539 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,454 God, how I envy her. 540 00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:49,081 (barking) 541 00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:51,375 Ooh, I think I’m in love! 542 00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,210 Krusty, please. 543 00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,545 My wife is giving birth as we speak! 544 00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,381 Just four more takes. Come on. 545 00:20:57,464 --> 00:20:58,799 (Krusty barking) 546 00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:00,092 No! 547 00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:02,386 Oh, Krusty, have a heart. 548 00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:03,303 Ah. 549 00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:49,099 {\an8}Captioned by VISUAL DATA 550 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,143 Shh. 551 00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:56,440 {\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem