♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
-Aah! -(tires screech)
A dash of rosemary,
a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram...
You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world.
Oh, now Homer, they're nothing special.
The extra ingredient is care.
A sprinkle of chervil
half a teaspoon of turmeric
and a whisper of M.S.G.
Marge, I'm gonna build you a spice rack.
You don't have to go to all that trouble just for me.
It's no trouble-- I got a whole garage full of tools I never use.
Hey, kids! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow.
(chuckling)
-BART: Hey, down in front. -HOMER: Shut up, boy.
♪ They fight and fight ♪
♪ They fight and fight and fight ♪
♪ Fight-fight-fight, fight-fight-fight ♪
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪
I knew all this stuff would come in handy someday.
Lets see now.
Ah, here it is--
The Complete Handyman's Bookshelf,
Volume One: Spice Racks.
"Pick up a hammer." Hmm.
(mumbling)
(grunts)
It's not as easy as I thought it was.
(mumbling)
Ooh! (gasps)
Wow!
♪♪ (theme from "Psycho" starts)
(gasps)
(screaming)
Hey, Dad, can you move your head?
No, I can't. It's broken.
Hmm. Where would an innocent child get the idea
to attack her father with a mallet?
(laughing)
(screams)
♪♪ (theme from "Psycho" playing)
(screams)
No, Maggie! Bad baby!
Keep her away from me, Marge!
She's got that crazy look in her eyes again!
MARGE: So, television's responsible.
Hey, we were watching that!
Mom, what are you doing?
Well, you won't be watching
these cartoons anymore. Ever.
But, Mom if you take our cartoons away,
we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.
Really? What kind of robots?
I heard about the cartoons.
-Tough break, man. -Thanks, Nelson.
Hey, what if you watch "Itchy and Scratchy" over at my house?
Hey, that's just crazy enough to work.
You heard me.
I won't be in for the rest of the week.
I told you. My baby beat me up.
Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. Wise guy.
Hmm. I wonder why Bart and Lisa
are so late getting home from school?
(laughing)
Hey, how come you can watch cartoons
but the kids can't?
-Because. -Because why?
-Because I said so. -Because you said so why?
-Homer, I'm trying to work. -Oh. What are you doing?
I'm cataloguing the violence in these cartoons.
I don't think adults have ever actually sat down and watched them before.
(cries out)
What kind of warped human being would find that funny?
(laughing)
(groaning)
This is the kind of entertainment
they think is suitable for younger
and more impressionable viewers?
Yeah, but what are you going to do?
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to write a letter!
"Dear purveyors
"of senseless violence:
"I know this may sound silly at first,
"but I believe that the cartoons
"you show to our children
"are influencing their behavior in a negative way.
"Please try to tone down the psychotic violence
"in your otherwise fine programming.
Yours truly, Marge Simpson."
Take a letter, Miss White.
"Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest
"in the 'Itchy and Scratchy' program.
"Enclosed is a personally autographed photo
"of America's favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection.
"In regards to your specific comments about the show,
"our research indicates
"that one person cannot make a difference,
"no matter how big a screwball she is.
So let me close by saying..."
"And the horse I rode in on"?
I'll show them what one screwball can do!
Everybody's looking at us, Marge.
That's what we want them to do, Homer.
Oh. Hmm.
HOMER: Well, how long are we going to have to be doing this?
MARGE: Well, I've never changed the world before
so I don't know how long it takes, exactly.
But if enough people take an interest...
Hello, Marge. Oh, what is S.N.U.H.?
-Snuh. -Oh.
It stands for "Springfieldians for Non-Violence
-Understanding and Helping." -Hmm.
I've started a crusade against cartoon violence.
-Mm-hmm. -I can protect my own children,
but there are many others whose minds are being warped
-every afternoon at 4. -Oh.
That reminds me.
I got to get over to Milhouse's and... play sports.
-All right. -And I'm going to Janie's again.
We're going to be, um,
making the most of our childhood years.
-Have fun. -BOTH: We will.
(Bart and Lisa laugh)
And what happens when a child grows up
with insanely violent role models like these?
The answer is all around you.
How many of you were hit on the head with mallets last week?
(crowd murmurs)
MAN: Yeah!
Yeah!
(cheering)
I didn't know they still made TV dinners this bad.
-After dinner, can I watch cartoons? -No!
-There's peas in my fruit cobbler! -There's peas everywhere.
Well, I guess I'll just go and watch some cartoons.
No! I'm sorry about the dinners.
I'll make up for it tomorrow night.
Hey, who's up for some cartoons?
-No one! -All right.
Hey, tomorrow night, how about baking
some of your patented pork chops?
Sure.
Oh, dear, I can't.
I've got three protest rallies tomorrow.
D'oh! 20 million women in the world
and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
Hi, kids! (laughs) Guess what, Sideshow Mel?
(whistling)
It's time for "Itchy and Scratchy."
(booing)
Hey, settle down, boys and girls
or Krusty will have to bring out his old friend
Corporal Punishment again.
-(booing) -Please, stop it!
What's going-- Who are you people?
What do we want?
Substantially less violence in children's programming!
-When do we want it? -Now!
No! You're ruining the show!
(angry chanting)
Stop!
Please, stop.
Oh, please, please, be quiet.
I'm trying to earn a living here, alright? Please, stop!
(nervous chuckle)
That woman,
That screwball Marge Simpson,
we've got to stop her.
-But how? -Drop an anvil on her?
Hit her on the head with a piano.
Stuff her full of T.N.T.
Then throw a match down her throat and run?
All your fancy degrees, and that's the best you can do?
-You make me sick. -(murmurs of agreement)
(crowd chanting) Substantially less violence in children's programming!
-When do we want it? -Now!
Substantially less violence in children's programming!
Eh.
Hmm...
Heh, I'm so funny.
♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ♪
(laughing) You know,
some of these stories are pretty good.
I never knew mice lived such interesting lives.
So much needless brutality.
I don't know if I'm having any impact at all.
♪♪ ("Take Me Out to the Ball Game" )
Don't do that! Don't do that!
Hey! Don't do that!
(Homer laughing)
Take that, you dumb squirrel!
(phone ringing)
Where do they get their ideas?
What is it?
What? "Smartline"?
Yes, I've heard of your late-night panel discussion show.
-Well, I'd love to! -(slams phone)
MAN: "Smartline"...
with our local Emmy Award-winning host
Kent Brockman.
Hello, I'm Kent Brockman
and welcome to another edition of "Smartline."
Are cartoons too violent for children?
Most people would say "No, of course not.
What kind of stupid question is that?"
But one woman says yes.
And she's here with us tonight. Mrs. Marge Simpson.
There she is!
Also with us for this
"animated" discussion, heh heh, are Roger Myers,
chairman of the Board of Itchy & Scratchy International.
Thank you.
Krusty the Klown, whose delightful program
brings us the antics of Itchy and Scratchy
every afternoon at 4.
-Hi, Kent! (laughs) -(horn honks)
And joining us live via satellite from Vienna,
the home of Sigmund Freud, the world's most famous psychiatrist,
to give us an insight into the human mind,
-Dr. Marvin Monroe. -Hiya.
Now, first, let's see what all the excitement is about.
Here's an example of the work currently being turned out
at I & S Studios.
♪♪ ("Funeral March of a Marionette")
(screaming)
(chuckling quietly)
Hilarious. Now what in the world is wrong with that, Mrs. Simpson?
-MYERS: There's nothing wrong with it. -Excuse me.
Excuse me, he was addressing me.
I know. There's nothing wrong with it.
Excuse me, there is!
I think that it's a bad influence on children.
Oh, give me a break!
I think that is a bunch of baloney, and here's why.
In preparing for this debate, I did a little research,
and I discovered a startling thing.
There was violence in the past
long before cartoons were invented.
I see. Fascinating.
Yeah, and there was something called
the Crusades, for instance.
Tremendous violence, many people killed!
The darned thing went on for 30 years.
And this was before cartoons were invented?
That's right, Kent.
-So much for your viewpoint. -Hmm.
Dr. Marvin Monroe in Vienna,
would you care to comment on all this?
Well Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters
absolutely pale in comparison
with the crippling emotional problems
a psychiatrist runs into every day.
I'm referring here to women who love too much,
fear of winning, sex-aholism, stuff like that.
So you have no professional objection
to "Itchy and Scratchy?"
No, not at all. In fact, one of my guilty little pleasures
is to snuggle up with a big bucket of buttered popcorn,
dim the lights, turn on "Itchy and Scratchy," and laugh myself silly.
And what the hell is wrong with that?
Not a thing. Now, for another opinion...
(laughing) Hi, kids!
(chuckling) Krusty, please. We're giving you an opportunity
to participate in a serious discussion here.
Oh, I'm sorry, Kent.
It's just when the camera gets on me, I get--
Hey! Hey! (laughing, horn squeaks)
-Krusty! -(horn squeaks)
Well, it looks like we're not going to settle this tonight.
Mrs. Simpson, in the nine seconds we have left,
can you summarize your position for us?
Yes. I'd like to ask all the parents in Springfield
who are concerned about this to write in
and let the cartoon makers know how you feel. Thank you.
I don't believe this.
"I will never watch your show, buy any of your products,
or brake if I see you crossing the street."
Wow! That's cold.
MYERS: "Dear sleaze merchant..."
Oh, come on, that hurts.
Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.
(humming)
-(phone ringing) -Hello?
-Is this Marge Simpson? -Yes.
The Marge Simpson who fixed it so cartoons can't be violent anymore?
Yes.
This is Myers. I'm here with the writers.
Listen, you're so smart, how do we end this picture?
Hmm, well, what's the problem you're having?
Okay, here it is. Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone, and--
Oh, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw.
Okay, a pie!
-Anyway, Scratchy is understandably upset, -Uh-huh.
so we figured he could, you know,
just grab Itchy and toss him in a bucket of acid.
Oh, dear!
But then we remembered
that this might be interpreted as violence,
which is morally wrong now, thanks to you.
So what's your big idea?
How do we end this?
Let's see, um...
Oh, couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy?
Then they would both have pie.
It's different, I'll give you that.
ANNOUNCER: It's a tool that every home handyman needs.
It's a jigsaw. It's a power drill. It's a wood-turning lathe.
It's an asphalt spreader. It's 67 tools in one.
How much would you pay for a machine that could do all this?
-$1,000. -Oh, don't answer yet.
-Oh sorry. -Because you also get--
HOMER: Hey, I was watching that.
It's time for Krusty.
You mean we can watch cartoons again, Mom?
Yes, dear, all you want.
-All right! -All right!
Turn it up.
KRUSTY: Hey kids. It's time for "Itchy and Scratchy."
♪ They love, they share ♪
♪ They share and love and share ♪
♪ Love, love, love, share, share, share ♪
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show! ♪
(chairs squeaking)
Lemonade?
Please.
I made it just for you.
You are my best friend.
Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge.
Well, I think it conveys a very nice message of sharing.
I think it sucks.
-♪♪ ("Psycho" theme) -(screams)
Oh. Hey, thank you, Maggie.
Mmm, this really hits the spot.
Hmm. Doesn't it, though?
You make really good lemonade, Scratchy.
(chuckles) Thank you, Itchy.
Wasn't that funny, boys and girls?
Well? Wasn't it?
Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons?
Nah, come on, Lise.
Maybe there's something else to do on this planet.
♪♪
But the third bowl of porridge was just right.
(playing Beethoven's Sixth "Pastoral" Symphony)
(dog barking)
Hi, kids!
(chuckles)
Uh... is this Saturday?
So, what did you kids do today?
Me and the guys went fishing.
I almost caught a catfish this big!
-Oh. -And Janey and I went bird-watching.
-We saw a grackle. -Oh, that's nice, dear.
C'mon, Lise. Let's go finish our soap box racers.
Okay. May we please be excused?
-Sure. -(chuckles) Wow!
What great kids.
This is a golden age, Marge.
And the parents of Springfield owe it all to you.
Hmm. I didn't really expect things to change this much.
Well, I always knew you'd change the world for the better.
This will be the art event of the century.
The greatest masterpiece of Italian renaissance.
Michelangelo's "David"
on a coast-to-coast tour of the United States.
Sir, which cities will be included in your itinerary?
-New York. -Mm-hmm.
-Springfield. -Yes.
And if we have time,
-Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles. -Oh.
(angry chatter)
(snoring)
(knocking)
Marge, get the door.
What in the world?
(pounding intensifies)
Get dressed, Marge.
You've got to lead our protest
against this abomination.
Hmm, but that's Michelangelo's "David."
-It's a masterpiece. -It's filth.
It graphically portrays parts of the human body
which, practical as they may be, are evil.
But I like that statue.
I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity.
Come on, girls.
What is this all about? What do you people want?
We want you to get your big Italian butt out of here.
MAN: "Smartline," with our local Emmy award-winning host
Kent Brockman.
Is it a masterpiece
or just some guy with his pants down?
That's our topic tonight on "Smartline."
Now, Mrs. Simpson, why are you against this statue?
I'm not. I think everyone in Springfield should see it.
Wait a minute. Aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko?
(groaning)
-Yes and no. -MAN: Hold it!
How can you be for one form of freedom of expression,
like our big naked friend over there, and be against
another form like "Itchy and Scratchy?"
-(groans) -Good question.
Well, I guess I can't, which is a shame,
because I really hate those cartoons.
Oh yeah? Well, what do you have to say
to all those Marge Simpson wannabees out there
who wish to suppress David's doodle?
Hmm, I don't know.
I guess one person can make a difference,
but most of the time, they probably shouldn't.
Well, I guess that settles that.
I'd like to alert our affiliates
that we will be ending our show early tonight.
Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be
"Religion: which is the one true faith?"
♪♪ (playing sad version of Beethoven's Sixth Symphony)
(screaming)
(laughing)
Well, there he is.
-Michelangelo's "Dave." -"David."
Oh. What's wrong, Marge?
Ah, Homie. Here the kids have a chance to see a great work of art,
and instead, they're home watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other.
Hey, don't worry, Marge.
Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School
is gonna come and see this thing.
Really? Why?
They're forcing them!
(laughing)
Oh. Well, isn't that nice.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.