♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
-Aah! -(tires screech)
Hey, good evening, Ezron, carver of graven images.
Ah, good evening, Homer the Thief.
How is business?
Been a little slow these past few months.
Not much to steal in the desert, you know.
Ah, do not worry, my friend.
I figure we'll be wandering out here
another two weeks tops.
(laughing)
Ah, good evening, Zohar the Adulterer.
My wife sends her warmest regards.
Ah yes. She is a good woman-- very good.
Thank you, my lusty friend.
(laughing)
(thunder clap)
Ooh, Moses is back.
Quick! Everybody look busy!
The Lord has handed down to us
ten commandments by which to live.
I will now read them in no particular order.
"Thou shalt not make any graven images."
Oh, my God!
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
Ah, well. Looks like the party's over.
Hey, Moses, keep 'em coming!
"Thou shalt not steal."
-D'oh! -(laughing)
Sorry, Homer.
That is the most dishonest thing
I've ever heard!
I should box your ears!
(stammering) You sneaky Pete!
-Easy, tiger. -Hey, you easy!
Now get off my property! Off!
Hey Flanders,
who put that bug up your butt?
Oh! I wanted to subscribe
to that new arts and crafts channel.
Well, sir, they send over this flimflam man to install it.
You know what he did?
He offered to hook me up illegally
to every cable channel for only 50 bucks.
Boy, what's this world coming to?
-That's exactly what I-- -Got to go!
Ooh! Hey, stop, cable man!
Stop!
(tires screech)
What do you want?
I want free cable.
(chuckles)
So... this is okay, isn't it? I mean everybody does it, right?
What? Oh, hey, if you're having second thoughts,
just read this pamphlet.
(Homer reading)
Uh-huh.
"Myth: Cable piracy is wrong.
"Fact: Cable companies are big, faceless corporations
which makes it okay." (laughing)
WOMAN: ...sie the clown is a treasure
that will last a lifetime.
Cable-- it's more wonderful than I dared hope.
COMEDIAN: Don't you hate it
when you go to the bathroom, and there's no toilet paper?
(laughing)
Oh, it's funny 'cause it's true.
Oh! Hey. Hey, family.
Family, come here.
I have an announcement to make.
The Simpsons have cable!
-Cable?! -Cable?!
Far out, man!
That's right. 68 channels.
MTV for the kids, VH-1 for us.
1,600 hours of quality programming
every day.
Homer, we talked about cable before.
You really think we can afford it?
(chuckles) Nothing a month.
Yeah, I think we can swing that.
(groans) Are you sure this is legal?
Don't worry Marge. Take a look at this.
"Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality, first-run movies.
"Fact: Most movies shown on cable
get two stars or less and are repeated ad nauseam."
Hmm, I don't know.
Marge.
WOMAN: Hear Me Roar, the network for women.
In the next half-hour, we'll show you
how to cut your first aid bill in half
by making your own Band-Aids.
Ooh, that's a good idea.
Now before we begin, you'll need five yards
of sterilized cotton...
MAN: El Momeo lo pone en el sleeper hold!
Donde estan los medicos de Mexico?
Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico.
You know, down there, it's a real sport.
Oh, cool. This is where "Jaws" eats the boat.
Whoa. This is where "Die Hard" jumps through the window.
Whoa, this is where "Wall Street" gets arrested. Ha-ha!
MAN: Mr. Speaker, if I could call your attention
to the retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill.
I refer you to page 4,500 and--
They must think people will watch anything.
MAN: Live from New Orleans!
This is the World Series of Cockfighting.
Oh, son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the Bayou tonight.
DAVEY: We'd get there quicker if I drove my Dad's car.
GOLIATH: I don't know, Davey.
Aren't you ready for church, Homer?
Huh? Wha--? Oh, okay.
(turns TV off)
Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God.
He thinks he's got it made.
He's got his hi-fi, his boob tube,
and his instant pizza pie.
Ooh, pizza.
All right, children.
Now, I don't want you to get frightened,
but it's my responsibility to teach you this.
Today's topic will be Hell.
-(all exclaiming) -BART: All right.
I've sat through mercy and I've sat through forgiveness.
Finally, we get to the good stuff.
Oh, Hell is a terrible place.
Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket.
There's a lake of fire burning with sulfur.
You'll be tormented day and night forever and ever.
As a matter of fact, If you actually saw hell,
you'd be so frightened you would die.
(gasps)
-Oh, Miss Albright? -Yes, Bart?
Wouldn't you eventually get used to it,
like in a hot tub?
No. Yes, Bart.
Are there pirates in hell?
Yes, thousands of them.
Ooh-ooh, baby.
So what you're saying is,
there's a down side to the afterlife.
How does one steer clear of this abode of the damned?
By obeying The Ten Commandments.
Ten simple rules
that are easy to live by.
(shuddering)
So, what did you children learn about today?
-Hell. -Bart!
Well that's what we learned about.
I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about Hell
unless I say Hell, can I?
Well, the lad has a point.
-Hell, yes. -Bart!
(singsongy) Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell,
Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell--
Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School.
Don't swear.
(door opens, closes)
(cat screeches)
Hey, anybody up for a little so-called pay TV?
-(turns TV on) -(both chuckle)
Dad, are you sure this isn't stealing?
Read the pamphlet, honey.
Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such movies as
"Cry Yuma" and "Here Comes the Coast Guard."
But today, I'd like to talk to you about
a pleasant tasting candy
that actually cleans and straightens your teeth.
Oh, goody, a program-length advertisement.
Wait a minute, Troy. I'm a little confused.
Did you say, "Cleans and straightens"?
There's no confusion, Tina, just good science.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like you to meet the inventor,
-Dr. Nick Riviera. -(applause)
Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody!
AUDIENCE: Hi, Dr. Nick!
DR. NICK: Now, could I have a volunteer?
Somebody with crooked, yellow teeth.
(gasping)
(fire crackling)
(rumbling)
DEVIL: Come on, Lisa.
Watch a little cable with us.
(evil chuckle)
It won't cost you a thing.
(evil laugh)
Except your soul!
(screaming)
What's gotten into Lisa?
Beats the hell out of me.
-Bart! -Ah!
♪♪ (Muzak on P.A.)
(gulps)
LISA: Mom, what are you doing?
What? What do you mean?
Don't you remember the eighth commandment?
Well, of course.
It's "Thou shalt not..."
um... "covet... graven... images."
Something about "covet."
Thou shalt not steal!
MARGE: Oh.
Anything else?
Yes, I ate two grapes.
Please charge me for them.
Oh, two grapes? Who cares?
Just charge me something, please.
Yeah, okay, all right.
I need a price check on two grapes.
Yeah, you heard me, Phil--
two measly, stinking grapes.
MAN: If you didn't catch it in the theater
or rent it, or see it someplace else,
we've got it on The Blockbuster Channel!
Dad, why is the world
such a cesspool of corruption?
Oh, great.
All right, what makes you say that?
Well, at Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.
-Well, duh. -But everybody does it.
I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
Oh, uh... look at it this way--
when you had breakfast this morning,
did you pay for it?
-No. -And did you pay for
-those clothes you're wearing? -No, I didn't.
Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker,
before I call the feds!
Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
Well, thank you, honey.
ANNOUNCER: Friday night live from Las Vegas,
the ultimate match up.
Ooh!
It's Watson-Tatum Two.
This time, it's for money!
Oh, boy!
Only on the Blockbuster Channel!
How can one, little insulated wire
bring so much happiness?
(kissing)
(sighs)
LENNY: Hey, big fight coming up.
CARL: Yeah, you want to come over to my house
and listen to round-by-round updates on the radio?
Oh, yeah, okay.
And then after the fight, we can watch the still photos
on the 11:00 news.
Not too shabby. What do you say, Homer?
Eh... we could do that, uh, yeah...
or we could go over to my house
and watch the whole thing live on cable TV!
-Wow! -Get off!
-You're kidding me! -Heh-heh.
Pass the pumice, please.
Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir-- one of your drones from Sector 7G.
Excellent!
I'm so keen on seeing "Watson vs. Tatum Two,"
I'd even go to an employee's house.
I can picture it now--
the screen door rusting off its filthy hinges,
mangy dog staggering about
looking vainly for a place to die.
Permission to speak frankly, sir?
Permission granted.
Well, you are quite wealthy--
Thank you, Smithers.
Your candor is most refreshing.
No, no, I mean, why don't you pay for the fight yourself?
Dah! Smithers,
a big title fight is one of those rare occasions
that I savor the sights, the sounds and--
(sniffs)
Ah, yes-- the smells of other men.
You haven't lost the common touch, sir.
So, Homer, I hear you got the fight.
Yeah, that's right.
8:00, my place. Come one, come all.
-All right! -(bell dings)
All right! Moe, how come you never got cable for the bar?
Well, it was either cable or the mechanical bull.
I made my choice and I stand by it.
Ooh! Somebody's having a party.
Yeah. Friday night-- you want to come over?
Thank you, but this store is open 24 hours.
It puts great demands on my time.
Too bad. It's gonna be a great fight.
Oh, the fight!
Why didn't you say something?
I'll get my brother Sanjay to cover for me.
He deplores violence of all kinds.
LISA: So, even if a man takes bread
to feed his starving family, that would be stealing?
No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it.
-Jelly, for example. -I see.
Oh, come on, Lisa, now you're here for a reason.
Is your father stealing bread?
Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.
But what I am sure of is, we're getting cable for free.
Well, I'm afraid that is stealing, Lisa,
and I think you must do something. Hm.
Should I have my father arrested?
Well, Lisa, on the surface, that would appear to be
an ideal solution to the problem,
but remember the fifth commandment--
"Honor thy father and thy mother."
Hmm, Lisa, I would like to see you set an example
by not watching the offending technology yourself.
Thank you, Reverend Lovejoy.
FEMALE: You're watching Top Hat Entertainment--
adult programming, all day, every day,
except in Florida and Utah.
Coming up next: "Stardust Mammaries"
♪♪
Ay, caramba!
-HOMER: Bart! -Dad!
Oh! Here's what I was looking for.
MAN: ...Blue chips closed up 3 and 3 quarters.
Oil service stocks slumped slightly...
Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel.
It's only for Mommies and Daddies
who love each other very much.
I want you to promise me
you won't watch that channel ever again.
-Okay. -Promise me.
I promise I will never watch that channel again.
Good boy.
Hi Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong,
so I'm choosing not to watch it
in the hope others will follow my example
It's the last you'll hear from me on the matter.
Thank you for your time.
Hey, Lisa...
Racing from Belmont? Horsies!
-Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven. -Hmm.
HOMER: There's something wrong with that kid.
She's so moral.
Why can't she be more like--
Well, not like Bart,
but there's gotta be a happy medium.
Well, you know,
Bart was looking at that racy movie today,
and Lisa's losing a little respect for you.
Hmm. Maybe we should think about unhooking the cable.
Unhook it?! But I love cable.
Well, then maybe you should pay for it.
D'oh! Look, look, Marge, I can't afford it.
When I can afford to pay for it, I will,
but I can't, so I'm not going to.
Homer, I'm afraid that cable has become
an evil presence in our home.
Marge, I never put my foot down about anything--
-No. -But I am severely tempted
to do it over this.
-Oh, Homer. -Marge, I'm sorry.
-I think it's coming down. -No, Homer--
It's coming down, my foot-- That's it, Marge!
It's coming down. The cable stays.
The foot has spoken.
(loud thud)
-BOY: Lemonade? Please. -Seen it.
-MAN: Cleans and straightens your teeth. -Seen it.
-♪♪ (rap) -Seen it.
-I was poor like you-- -Seen it.
Ugh, soccer. Seen it.
-Hey, Simpson. -What? Hey, how'd you get in here?
Well, your door wasn't locked in any serious way.
I wonder if you'd be interested in this car stereo?
A $500 value, but I'll let you have it for 40 bucks.
Get out of my house! I don't want to associate with criminals.
Well, maybe I'll go see your neighbor.
He's not home.
Even better.
(locks clicking)
Are you sure you want do this, Homer?
It doesn't look friendly.
Marge, we can't be too careful.
There are thieves everywhere,
and I'm not talking about the small, forgivable stuff.
Come one, come all.
Top Hat Theater is on the air.
The most beautiful women in the world.
Just 50 cents. I am your host, Bart Simpson.
You must be at least eight years old to enter.
WOMAN: And now, the Top Hat Channel
is honored to present "Broadcast Nudes."
ALL: Ooh.
-Gross! -Yet strangely compelling.
-HOMER: Huh?! -It's a raid!
What the-- What are all these kids--
Hey! I know you. Come back here!
Bart, you promised me you wouldn't watch that trash.
Now go to your room!
Man, I wish I was an adult
so I could break the rules.
Oh, great.
(tires squeal)
-(cat screeches) -Here.
I brought some imported generic beer.
Oh, thank you, Barney.
How many people are coming, Homer?
Just a select circle of my friends.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer.
I brought an assortment of jerkies.
Ooh, did you swipe those from work?
Certainly not. What has been implied here?
MAN: Oh, no sir, there is no love lost
between these two warriors.
In fact, we almost had a scuffle
earlier today at the weigh-in.
I understand you have a special motivation
going into this bout.
Yeah. I wanna dedicate this fight
to my manager Vinnie who got me here,
and then-- (sobbing)
passed away just two weeks ago.
Any response to that?
Yeth, I would altho like to dedicate thith fight
to the memory of his deceased manager.
-You can't do that. -I can do whatever I want.
You dedicate the fight to your manager, man!
This is just incorrigible.
I just want to call attention to the fact
that I'm not watching this fight.
It's my form of nonviolent protest.
(doorbell rings)
Hey, Homer. I brought--
Ahh! Quick! It's Moe!
I got to hide the mugs.
Well-- Will you--
Hey, go protest outside, will you? Now!
Hey, Homer. I brought you a mug.
Ooh! Thank you, Moe.
I always wanted one of these.
Ahh!
Oh, Mr. Burns!
Bart, quick. Hide the stuff I borrowed from work.
-Borrowed? -All right, the stuff I stole from work.
Oh, okay.
Now, come on! Take all this and this, put it in the closet.
-Will you quit staring at me like that? -(doorbell rings)
Oh, hello, Simpson.
We were just in the neighborhood
and thought we'd drop by.
Uh, hello, Mr. Burns.
Would you like to watch the fight?
The fight? Well, don't mind if I do.
Oh, Simpson, good news. I brought some munchies.
Smithers, the Cheetos.
(both scream)
Our main event is set to commence
in but a few scant minutes. The anticipation...
-(screams) -You Homer Simpson?
-Yeah. -Word on the street
is that you have an illegal cable hookup.
No. No, I-- It wasn't me.
It was my wife's-- my wife's idea.
-Yeah, yeah. (sobbing) -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, settle down, big fella.
We're just-- Whoa! We're just wondering if we could watch the fight.
Oh, sure, sure. Be my guest.
Lisa, I brought you some lemonade for your protest.
Thanks, Mom.
It doesn't seem to be going very well.
Well, don't give up. When you love somebody
you have to have faith that in the end,
they will do the right thing.
ANNOUNCER: The challenger learned how to fight
in the notorious projects of Capitol City,
and honed his skills while serving time
for aggravated assault and manslaughter
in Springfield Prison.
All right! A local boy.
CHALLENGER: For five years, I was-- I was incarcerated
away from my family and the mother to my children.
The conditions were irrevocable.
COMMENTATOR: Aggravated assault,
manslaughter, stealing cable,
(echoing) cable, cable...
(whimpering)
Marge! Lisa! Maggie!
Shake hands.
-Keep it clean. -(bell dings)
Come on, boy.
(crowd cheering)
Excuse me.
I hate to interrupt your judging me,
but I wanted you to know
I've made a couple of really important decisions.
Number one, I'm cutting the cable
as soon as the fight's over.
And number two,
I'm not very fond of any of you.
-Well, back to the fight. -Sit down, boy!
Dad, we may have saved your soul.
Tatum is reeling from the champs exquisite haymaker.
Yeah, at the worst possible time.
ALL: ...eight, nine, ten.
(cheering)
ANNOUNCER: This fight is history.
Stick a fork in it-- it's done.
A stunning knockout by a thunderous bolo punch
in the closing seconds of the 12th round,
and Drederick Tatum is the new champion of the world.
Everyone to my place for blueberry Squishees
-and microwave burritos. -(cheering)
The greatest fight ever and I missed it.
We're really proud of you, Dad.
What a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
Oh, hogwash. Why I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett
fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for 113 rounds.
Back then, of course, if a fight lasted less then 50 rounds
we demanded our nickel back.
Cable clippers, please.
Here you go, Homey.
LISA: Go for it, Dad.
Dad, I beg you to reconsider.
Tractor pulls, Atlanta Braves baseball
Joe Franklin!
Hmm...
Whoops.
Third time's a charm.
(static)
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.