♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(snoring)
(ringing)
Hey, Homer, it's Barney. Did I wake you?
(slurring) I'm up, I'm up. Whadda ya want?
All I wanted to tell you about was this new barbecue joint.
Ooh, barbecue!
It's called Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit.
Ooh, I can still taste the sauce between my fingers.
And are you ready for this? It's all you can eat!
This is like some beautiful dream.
(Barney belching)
And one and two and three and reach.
-And five and six... -Marge, honey,
I got five words to say to you.
Greasy Joe's Bottomless Bar-B-Q Pit.
Homer, remember you promised
you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week.
Marge, I'm only human.
Now look. Here's what we're gonna do.
We'll unload the kids on Patty and Selma
Saturday night, and then we'll eat
until they kick us out of the place.
Just like old times.
Hmm. Saturday night?
I'm not even sure my sisters will be available.
I'll take that bet.
(coughing)
(phone ringing)
Hello, Marge. This Saturday?
We're going to Stanley Peterson's wedding.
The way he's going at her,
you'd think they were already married.
Hey, alley cats!
Save it for the honeymoon.
Well, if you have other plans...
-D'oh! -It's no problem.
Mm-hmm. We'll beat it before they throw out the bouquet.
"F," "L..."
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
That's a "C," isn't it?
If that was an oncoming vehicle
you'd be dead now.
-Next! -But driving is my livelihood.
Take it like a man.
Friends, relatives...
work-related acquaintances...
we are gathered here today
to join Stanley and Martha in holy matrimony.
Martha, my dear,
I remember the first day that I met you.
Hello, Selma.
Hello, Stanley.
-Is this seat taken? -Yes, it is.
Hey, beat it!
Had I not chosen the seat that was next to you, Martha, my love,
who knows what woman I might have ended up with.
Hmm.
SELMA: ♪ Brandy, you're a fine girl ♪
♪ What a good wife you would be ♪
♪ But my life, my love and my lady is the sea ♪
Poor Brandy.
Aunt Selma, do you think you'll ever get married?
Oh, I don't know. Why? You know somebody?
No, and since I'm sure that you'd only resent
the pity of an eight year-old niece,
I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant number
of 40-year-old, single women who ever find their fair prince.
(yawning)
(sighing)
MARGE: Patty, Selma, we're home.
Yeah.
(gasping with relief)
I'll tell you one thing.
Greasy Joe is sorry he ever saw the likes of me.
Marge, I need to speak with you alone.
(snoring)
Oh, and that sauce, Barney--
I could have drunk a bowl of it by itself.
Oh, Barney, that's just my sister-in-law.
I'll get right to the point.
I'm getting older, fatter and uglier.
Please, Marge, help me find a man
before it's too late.
Well, I'll try.
(stomach gurgling)
Homer, do you remember our last family vacation
when you made us go to the Bowlers Hall of Fame
in St. Louis, Missouri so you could see that car
shaped like a giant bowling pin?
Remember? Who could forget?
Then you'll also remember that you owe me a favor
to be called up whenever and for whatever reason
I desire.
But that was just an idle promise.
-Not to me. -Ohh...
I want you to find a husband for my sister, Selma.
Find a husband?
Wait. Which one's Selma again?
She's the one who likes Police Academy movies
and Hummel figurines
and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought she was the one
that didn't like to be, you know, touched.
It's Patty who chose the life of celibacy.
Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.
-But, Marge-- -Homer, you will find her a man!
-All right. -And not just any man.
-Okay. -He should be honest and caring
and well-off and handsome...
Hey, why should she have a better husband than you do?
MRS. KRABAPPEL: Sodium tetra sulfate is highly caustic
and can remove your skin.
-Say when. (chuckles) -That will do.
What's this stuff for?
It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film,
and as a preservative in fast foods.
-It's also quite a potent herbicide. -What's a herbicide?
-It kills grass. -Excellent.
Must find man.
Boy, a good man really is hard to find.
Gentlemen, according to my sources, you are planning
to simultaneously drop your pencils
at 2:15 this afternoon.
Do so, and you will be suspended.
Hey, who squealed?
You can't get anything past Principal Skinner.
He knows everything.
Vandalism fans, hold onto your hats.
(boys gasping)
Who does he think he is, anyway?
He's not going to get away with that.
Sometimes that kid just goes too far.
One seafood burrito, Apu.
(gulps)
I am loathe to interrupt your meditation, sir,
but the time has come for money to change hands.
Oh, sorry.
Hmm. Say what they will about our cafeteria,
I still think they're the best Tater Tots money can buy.
(sniffs)
Mmm...
(sniffing)
Wait a minute.
It smells like...
sodium tetra sulfate bonding with chlorophyll.
(sniffing)
Sweet Lord, it is!
PRINCIPAL SKINNER: Simpson!
(gulps)
Bart, I'm flabbergasted.
Surely, you knew, as you were writing your own name
in 40-foot high letters on the field
that you would be caught.
Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
-There are no other Barts! -Uh-oh.
The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident
makes me wish I could pull
the trusty Board of Education out of retirement.
(sighs) Call your father immediately.
(dialing)
-Hello, is Homer there? -MOE: Homer, who?
Homer... sexual.
Wait one second. Let me check.
Uh... Homer Sexual?
Come on, come on.
One of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual.
-(all laughing) -Don't look at me.
Oh, no! You rotten little punk.
If I ever get a hold of you,
I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
-You'll do what, young man? -What, what, wait. Who is this?
I think the real question is who is this and where is Homer Simpson?
Whoa, whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner, sorry.
It's a bad connection, I think.
It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
D'oh! What's he done now?
Well, I'm afraid this time the victims are the innocent blades of grass
on Grounds Keeper Willy's award-winning play field.
If it's alright with you. I'd like to have Bart repay his debt to society
through back-breaking physical labor--
resodding the field manually,
seed by seed.
Hmm. But enough about Bart.
Tell me, Principal Skinner, are you married?
Only to my job.
But if you weren't married to your job,
you tend to go for a girl, right?
(chuckles) Well, of course.
These pads come off at night just like everybody else's.
But tell me, why all the questions?
No reason.
I was just wondering
if you'd like to come over to my house for dinner.
A payback for all the crummy things
Bart has done to your school.
Well, a home-cooked meal would be a nice change of pace.
-I'd be delighted. -Excellent.
(doorbell rings )
Good evening, Principal Skinner,
-and welcome to our home. -Thank you, Bart.
I only hope that for the next few hours
you and I can leave our differences in the school yard.
Fine. Just get inside already.
He's here.
What are you waiting for?
Get out there and shake your moneymaker.
-I'm too nervous. You do it. -No, you do it.
-No, you do it.
No, you do it.
SKINNER: You know, Simpson, I-- I had
a discomforting thought on the way over here.
This dinner wouldn't be a master plan of yours
to set me up with some unmarried relation, would it?
Because I can assure you that I...
I... Uh...
Oh, be still, my foolish heart.
(chuckles) Here we go.
Boy meets beast. (chuckles)
Ahem. Principal Skinner,
allow me to introduce you
to my wife's lovely
and available sister, Selma.
Hey, tubs, I'm Patty.
-What? -Patty.
D'oh! Wrong one.
So, Patty, tell me...
tell me more about your trip to Egypt.
Nothing more to tell, really. The Nile smells like cattle rot,
and they've got horseflies over there the size of your head.
Marvelous.
Just marvelous.
Well, Selma hated Egypt too.
A camel spit on her.
Oh yes, I've heard they can be difficult.
Patty, the Parents Advisory Board has asked
that I attend the premiere
of Space Mutants, Part V tomorrow night.
-Would you be interested in joining me? -(silverware drops)
-I don't really... -She'd be delighted.
-I'm going to cancel. -No, you're not.
We already have plans for tomorrow night.
Patty, your first date in 25 years
is a little more important than playing hearts with mother.
I tried to repel him, I really did.
Pack of Lady Laramie 100's, please.
We both know it could have easily been me. Very easily.
Laramie Hi-Tars hard pack, and I don't have all day.
Here you go. Smoke them in good health.
And will you be needing any lottery tickets with that?
No. All right, five.
Stupid Principal Skinner.
You've got to be kidding me.
Save your strength, lad.
There's a whole field for you to resod yet. (chuckles)
-D'oh! -Bart, you wouldn't happen to know
what sort of candy
your Aunt Patty likes, would you?
-Cherry cordials, sir. -Very good.
Now then, regarding your punishment...
Do you feel that you've learned your lesson?
Have I ever. Just the thought of doing anything bad again
makes my stomach turn.
Well, then you're free to go.
Well, Willy, you can take it from here.
-Adios, dude. -You'll be back!
You haven't seen the last of Willy.
I don't see why all this is necessary.
Come on, Patty, you don't want to show up for your big date
looking like Yosemite Sam.
How do I look?
Achingly beautiful.
♪ Two and two are four ♪
(buzzing)
♪ Four and four are eight ♪
♪ Eight and eight are 16 ♪
-Hello. -Cherry cordials.
I hope you like them. (chuckles)
Yeah, I like them okay.
So, come on, let's get this over with.
Oh! Excellent suggestion. I suggest we start
with the Springfield revolving restaurant.
You know, food tastes better when you're revolving.
SELMA: Yeah, right.
Well, I must say, so far, the evening is a big disappointment.
Indeed. Truly terrible.
Hey, can we get some service over here?
I've asked for water three times now.
-Is everything all right? -Well, well, well.
If it isn't little Jimmy Pierson.
Class of '71, I believe.
Good evening, Principal Skinner.
Pierson, get this woman a glass of water immediately.
-And tuck in your shirt! -Yes, sir.
(scoffs) Nearly 30
and still working as a bus boy.
I'll tell you
the standardized testing never lies.
(chuckles)
Doesn't surprise me.
She's always been the lucky one.
Two minutes younger.
Skin like a china doll and bosoms till Tuesday.
Well, don't worry.
There's still plenty of fish in the sea.
-Right, Homer? -Oh, yes, plenty of fish.
You just don't have any bait.
(yawns)
ACTOR: What a shame. Out of gas.
Hmm. Hmm?
(yawns)
Don't be stupid.
Oh, sorry.
Come on, love. Loosen up.
I just can't forget what happened
to that poor dingo back there.
Who or what could have done such a horrible thing?
It was probably just a wallaby.
Now, come on.
Well, okay.
(screaming)
-Ah! -Hello, Dolly.
Oh, that was the worst movie I've ever seen.
Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant.
(both chuckle)
Isn't it nice we hate the same things?
(chuckles)
So, see me again tomorrow?
I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class.
Then the day after that.
Oh, gee, tae kwon do.
The day after that, then.
Seymour, you're touching me.
Kiss me, Patty.
I don't have cooties.
Hi-ya!
Thursday I'm going food shopping.
You can come along if you like.
Until then.
Tell me every filthy detail,
or is your tongue too tired?
Selma, it was a lousy meal, the movie was awful,
and he didn't get anything. Now, good night.
PATTY: Alright. One kiss, but I don't want you bragging
to your friends about how you scored.
(children clamoring)
Oh, I wish I could make a P.A. announcement
to the whole world.
Attention everyone, Seymour Skinner is in love.
Oh, wow, Simpson, that's pretty cool.
Bart, Skinner's going to kill you.
Skinner? Ha! He works for me now.
-Simpson? -Oh-oh.
What is that there?
-Hmm... -Mmm...
Oh... Patty.
(stammering)
Bart, I hate to pull you away from your daily exercise, but,
well, I wanted you to be the first to know.
I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage.
Your funeral, Seymour.
Homer, lighten up. You're making happy hour bitterly ironic.
Aw, Moe. I've got to find a date for my big, fat, snotty
sister-in-law, Selma.
I'm intrigued. What does Selma look like?
Like my wife's ugly sister.
Wheel her in, Homer.
I'm not a picky man. (belching)
SALESMAN: A good rule of thumb is two years salary, sir. Try this.
SKINNER: I can't afford that, I'm an educator.
-Seymour. -SKINNER: I'll take it.
Homer, my sister is not going out with Barney Gumble.
HOMER: Hey, Selma's no prize pig herself, you know.
Bart, come cheer up your Aunt Selma.
-Okay. -What did you learn in school today?
Principal Skinner's gonna ask Aunt Patty to marry him.
Mm. Thanks, kid.
You made my day.
But nothing, Marge.
She's a heifer, plain and simple, and--
Oh, there's the little prom queen now.
Can the sweet talk. You're right.
It's time to ash can my girlish hopes and dreams
and grab hold of the next train out of the station.
(gasps) Is that Selma?
Ring-a-ding-ding.
-Oh, shut up. -Why are you dolled up like a chorus girl?
Well, it takes a ripe piece of cheese to catch the mouse.
(buzzer)
It's time to give away my love like so much cheap wine.
Take it to the hoop, Selma.
Hi, look what I brought.
Ah, schnapps?
-I'll take that. -(grumbles)
SKINNER: You seem preoccupied tonight, my little...pudding cup.
PATTY: My sister's on a date with a big, fat rummy.
Oh! Well, there's something up here that will pick up your spirits.
(gasps) "Marry me, Patty"?
Jeezum crow!
Look at the size of that rock!
It's the second most precious jewel in this bell tower.
Patty, the question before you is, will you marry me?
Seymour, I don't know. I mean, this is so....
Oh, just say whatever's in your heart.
Okay. You see, it's not that I don't love you.
You love me! Kalloo kallay!
-(laughing) -Yes, yes, but...
-But? But? -But I'm a twin.
And as such, I have a special...
-Special tie to your sister. Yes. -Mm-hmm.
And the only man I could marry would have to understand...
That you couldn't leave your sister for any man.
-Oh. -Yes, so I know you appreciate
why you can never...
-See you again? -Exactly.
It's a kind of a catch-22.
Farewell, my Patty-cake.
Good night, sweet Principal.
(sobbing)
Bart Simp...
Oh, Springfield Elementary, I will have you back again.
After all, tomorrow is another school day!
And then when I got out of the service, they, uh--
Well, the next few years are a blur.
Patty, where's Skinner?
We decided we loved each other enough
never to see each other again.
I hope I can find a man like that.
Patty, are you throwing away your last chance at happiness
-just for me? -Yes.
Thanks.
Now let's go get some pancakes.
Listen, Barney...
Nah.
She broke my heart, Moe.
Don't worry, Barney.
Time heals all wounds.
Well, what do you know? You're right!
And look! A whole pitcher to myself!
(mumbling) Skinner.
(slurps)
I told you you'd be back.
(crow caws)
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.