♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
-Aah! -(tires screech)
MAN: Well, then let's move on to new business.
Have you taken care of McBain?
You don't have to worry, Senator Mendoza.
By now, our dear friend, McBain, has met with a
shall we say, unfortunate accident.
(laughing)
Excellent. With McBain out of the way, nothing can stop us.
Any more new business?
Only your deaths.
-McBain! -(gun cocks)
Oh, hmm, hmm!
(screaming)
Aah, McBain!
Meeting adjourned.
-$2.50 for this? -What a gyp.
You certainly broke up that meeting.
Right now, I'm thinking about holding another meeting...
in bed.
Oh, McBain.
♪ The rules that constrain other men ♪
♪ Mean nothing to McBain... ♪
GRAMPA: Boo!
I want to see the manager!
-The screen was too small. -The floor was sticky.
The romantic sub-plot felt tacked on.
In short, we demand a refund!
-Sorry, it's against our policy. -I'll policy you...
Hey, don't have a heart attack, old dude.
Don't you... tell me what to do...
you young...
whipper... snapper.
And thank you most of all, for nuclear power
which has yet to cause a single proven fatality...
at least in this country.
-Amen. -Very nicely said, Homer.
Dad, Bart ate a green bean during the blessing.
How do you know unless you opened your eyes during the blessing?
Eating is worse than opening eyes.
-Is not. -Is too.
Quiet you kids! If I hear one more word,
Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons,
and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.
-Dad! -Dad!
Not one word!
(both chuckling)
I thought I said knock it off.
-We didn't say anything. -Not one word.
-(phone rings) -No "pantomomime," either.
Telephone, Homer. It's the hospital.
(gasps) The hospital? Hello?
-Oh, my God! -Homer, I'm happy to say
that your father only had a mild arrhythmia.
Mild?
There wasn't anything mild about it!
Now get back to the pharmacy, you quack!
(chuckles) Oh, with that feisty attitude
you'll bury us all, Grampa Simpson.
Uh, pull your chair closer, my son.
What is it, Dad?
P.U., not that close! Eesh!
Homer, that heart attack made me realize
that I'm going to die someday.
Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.
There's something I think you should know.
Homer, you have a half brother.
-A half brother? -Uh-huh.
It all happened when I was courting your mother.
I was checking out the skirts at the local carnival
when I first saw her.
Hey, handsome, want to dunk the clown?
She did things your mother would never do
like have sex for money.
A year later, the carnival came back to town
and she had a little surprise for me.
We left the baby at the Shelbyville Orphanage,
and I never saw him again.
A year later, I married your mother, and we had you.
Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father.
He must never know about that-- that carnival incident.
-Okay. -Promise you won't tell him.
I promise.
Whoops! Forget what I just told you.
(crying)
What are you blubbering about?
This makes me feel special, Dad.
Since I'm the one you kept, that must mean you really love me.
Hmm... interesting theory.
I'm going to find my brother. I don't care what it takes.
If I have to move Heaven and Earth, I'm going to find him.
-Yeah, right. Good luck. -(TV on)
A long lost half brother. How Dickensian.
So, any idea where this bastard lives?
-Bart! -His parent's aren't married, are they?
It's the correct word, isn't it?
-I guess he's got us there. -Hmm.
BART: ♪ Bastard, bastard... ♪
-MARGE: Bart! -HOMER: Bart! Bart!
BART: ♪ Bastard, bastard ♪
HOMER: 2148. This is it.
Excuse me, is this an orphanage?
Ooh, you're a little late, pal.
They tore down the orphanage 30-odd years ago.
30 years? I'll never find him.
I'm doomed to walk through this life alone.
(desperate sobbing)
Oh, brother, where art thou?
Take it easy, buddy. They moved across the street.
(chuckling) Oh, sorry.
I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson.
I, myself, have spent years searching
for my long lost twin brother.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you,
but we're looking for my brother today.
-Can you tell me his name? -Hmm...
According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother
and named him Herbert.
Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great. Where can I find him?
I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to release that information.
Oh, please, please.
This is my life we're talking about here.
Well, I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson.
After all, your brother could be anywhere.
-Even Detroit. -I know he could be anywhere!
That's why I want you to narrow it down! Please!
You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of brotherly love
isn't Philadelphia, it's Detroit.
Well, if you ask me, changing the subject
makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse
for a human being I ever--
Read between the lines, you fool!
Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay.
Here's 20 bucks.
Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
-Mr. Simpson, I don't want-- -Just take it and tell me!
Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
Fine. Thank you.
Let's see. Powell, Powell, Powell...
Pomerantz, Poole, Popkin,
Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randolph.
Oop, too far.
(gasps) Here it is... Powell.
(no audible dialogue)
MARGE: Any luck, Homey? HOMER: No.
I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit.
-Nothing. -Well, you want to try that H. Powell?
"H"! Of course!
That could stand for Herbert.
It's a long shot, but...
-(ringing) -Hello?
-Is this H. Powell of Detroit, Michigan? -Yeah.
By any chance does the "H" stand for Herbert?
Yeah.
Wahoo! The "H" stands for Herbert!
Herb, were you adopted?
Yeah.
From the Shelbyville Orphanage?
How did you know that?
Because...
I'm your baby brother, Homer.
Hello. Hello?
Hello? Stupid phone!
Hey, hey! Knock it off, I'm here!
I'm just silent because
-of the emotion involved. -Oh, sorry.
Homer, I think we need to get together.
Okay, brother.
Grab the next plane to Springfield.
We got a couch that folds out.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come here?
-BART, LISA: Are we there yet? -HOMER: Just a little furth--
-Are we there yet? -Just a little fur--
-Are we there yet? -Just a little further!
Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave,
we'll turn this car right around and go home.
But, Marge, I want to see my brother.
Oh, for God's sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat.
-Oh. D'oh! -(siren wailing)
Did you know you were going--
Oh, sorry, sir.
I didn't know it was you.
That's okay. Carry on.
See the way I handled that, Marge? (slurps)
Wow! What are you doing here?
What does it look like?
-D'oh! -(laughing)
D'oh. Every day we're losing ground to the Japanese, and I wanna know why?
Unfair trade practices?
Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington?
-Some sort of Gypsy curse? -I'm tired of excuses.
Why did I ever hire you Harvard deadheads?
Because you went there, sir.
Yeah, but Mommy and Daddy didn't pay my way.
I had to work my way through washing your dishes
and scrubbing your toilets.
Oh, yeah, now I remember you.
Have you come up with a name for our new economy model?
You're gonna love this, chief--
The Persephone.
-Persephone? -Mm-hmm.
What the hell kind of name is Persephone?
She was the Greek goddess of spring and rebirth.
-D'oh! -And get this sir.
She was carried off to Hades by the king of the underworld.
While there, she ate six pomegranates--
People don't want cars
named after hungry, old Greek broads!
They want names like Mustang
and Cheetah--
vicious animal names.
The problem with you guys is you've forgotten your roots!
You? What are your roots?
Well, I guess you could say they extend
to when the Anglos met the Saxons.
-(laughter) -In other words, when white met bread.
Sir, we'd love to know what your roots are,
and what they have to teach us.
(sighs) I have no roots.
All I know is that...
I'm just...
a lonely guy.
ALL: Aww!
-What's he so upset about? -Good Lord.
Marge, this can't be the right address.
Hello, in there.
Homer?
Herb?
-You look just like-- -You look just like--
-Except you got a little less-- -Except you got a little more--
-And a little more-- -And a little less--
-God, I feel so-- -God, I feel so--
-Homer! -Herbert!
-Homer! -Oh, Herbert.
Welcome to my home, brother.
HOMER: Holy moly, the bastard's rich!
Herb, allow me to introduce my family.
This is my wife, Marge.
-Hello. -Hello!
-You old dog! She's gorgeous. -Thank you.
And our three children-- Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
-Hello, sir. -Hello, Mr. Powell.
All born in wedlock?
Yeah, though the boy was a close call.
Hmm. So, Lisa,
are you the little hell-raiser
your father told me about?
No, sir, I can assure you, I'm not.
I'm the little hell-raiser, sir.
Would you like to hold the baby, Herb?
Oh, I'm afraid I wouldn't know how.
Oh, what's to know?
-Just dive in. Catch! -(inhales)
God, that new-baby smell.
Homer, you're the richest man I know.
I feel the same about you.
While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home.
Any time you're hungry, anytime day or night,
Cook will make you anything you want.
-Even pork chops? -Absolutely.
We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room.
If I want pork chops even in the middle of the night,
your guy will fry them up?
Sure. That's what he's paid for.
Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids--
Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Let me see if I got this straight.
It's Christmas day, 4 a.m.
There's a rumble in my stomach...
-Homer, please. -(laughing)
Your old man sure loves pork chops.
He sure does, Uncle Herb.
Bart, Uncle Herb sounds so formal.
Do you think you could call me...
-Uncie Herb? -Oh, no problemo, Uncie Herb.
Ha! He's adorable.
My nephew's adorable.
Marco.
Polo.
-Marco! -Polo.
Will you kids shut up?
So, Marge, a little about yourself.
Well, I met Homer in high school.
We got married and had three beautiful children.
Wow, we have so much catching up to do.
Hmm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything.
-Watch me dive! -Watch me dive!
-Okay, we're watching!
I hope we're not spoiling them.
-Man, you weren't watching! -You didn't see what I did!
-I did a double whammy-- -You didn't watch me dive!
A millionaire?
Oh, I kept the wrong one. Look, son,
I'll come as soon as I can get out of here.
In the meantime,
please don't do anything stupid.
Uncie Herb, can I spit over the side?
(laughing) I love this kid.
Hock your brains out.
(hocking)
-Ho, got him! -(laughing)
Hello, Cook? Sorry to bother you so late,
but I got a hankering for some--
That's right! Don't forget the applesauce.
Okay, Homer. Pick out any one you want.
HOMER: Are you sure you want to give me a car?
HERB: Hey, you know what these things cost me?
There's maybe 40 bucks' worth of steel in them.
-(chuckles) -Oh, okay.
I'd like a big one then.
-We don't have a big one. -Why not?
Because Americans don't want big cars.
Well, then give me one with lots of pep.
Sorry, our cars don't have pep.
-Why not? -Uh, because...
Americans want good mileage, not pep.
Homer, tell the nice man
-what country you come from. -America.
HERB: Do you hear that, ya morons?
This is why we're getting killed in the marketplace!
Instead of listening to what people want,
you're telling them what they want.
Homer, I need your help.
-You do? -Yeah.
I want you to help me design a car--
a car for all the Homer Simpsons out there,
and I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
And I want to let you!
Homer, meet my team of engineers.
-They're gonna build your car. -Hiya, team.
Now boys and girls, this project is our top priority.
Everything else is on hold.
I don't wanna see anything until it's finished.
But, sir...
-(team clamoring) -Bup-bup-bup-bup!
Direct all your questions to Mr. Homer Simpson,
the man with the vision.
The man who's going to bust this company out of its rut.
The man who's going to change American transportation forever.
So, uh, what kind of car would you like, Mr. Simpson?
I don't know.
Whatever you kids want to do today,
-you just tell Uncie Herb. -Oh, dear.
I want to go on a pony ride, Uncie Herb.
I want to go on a boat ride, Uncie Herb.
-Pony ride. Pony ride. -Boat ride. Boat ride.
-Pony ride. -Boat ride.
(bickering trails off)
-Ahoy, mateys! -Yee-ha!
(whinnies)
Kids are so easy to please.
I really hope we're not spoiling them.
Nah.
What's that?
-The on-board computer. -Oh, right.
Ooh! What's that do-hickey?
Mr. Simpson, your brother told you to help us with this car.
-Now, didn't he? -Oh, yeah, he did.
Mm-hmm. Well, then, why don't you get us some coffee?
Oh, okay.
Batting ninth... Uncie Herb!
HOMER: Whew. Oh, boy.
Hey Homer, how's your car coming?
Oh, fine. We're putting in
an on-board something or other,
and rack-and-peanut steering, I guess.
-Homer. -Huh?
You didn't ask for rack-and-pinion steering, did you?
-Uh, yeah, I think I did. -How could you ask for it?
You don't even know what it is.
You just called it rack-and-peanut steering.
-Uh, may I be excused please? -No.
Homer, do you know why I gave you this job?
'Cause you think I'm a genius?
Nah, I don't think you're a genius.
'Cause you think I'm dynamic?
I don't think you're dynamic.
-You think I work well with others? -No, no, no.
Homer, I gave you this job because you're an average schmo!
-Oh, great. -All you need is a little self-confidence.
Oh, Uncie Herb, I don't know anything about cars--
Listen to me. Here's what you do.
From now on, before you say anything,
say to yourself:
"If I was ever sure of anything,
I'm sure of this."
-Do you understand? -Sort of.
-Homer? -What?
Answer me again with self-confidence.
-Sort of! -Now go get 'em!
(battle cry)
All right, you eggheads! I want a place in this car to put my drink!
Sir, the car has a beverage holder.
Hello? Hello, Einstein?
I said a place to put my drink!
You know those super-slackers they sell in the Quickie Mart?
The cup is this big.
-Extremely large beverage holder. -And I'm not done yet.
You know that little ball you put on the aerial
so you can find your car in the parking lot?
That should be on every car.
Little ball...
And some things are so snazzy they never go out of style,
like tail fins and bubble domes, and shag carpeting.
I've got to call the boss.
Yello? Uh-huh. Well, you know what?
I'm glad you're nervous,
because that means we're on the right track.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
All right, all right!
Okay this is what you're going to do.
You're going to hang up, call me back
and say the exact opposite
of everything you just said. Good-bye.
Bart, Lisa, come over here.
-LISA: What is it, Uncie Herb? -I want you to hear
what the guys down at the plant think of your old man.
-(phone rings) -Yello?
Um, Homer Simpson is a brilliant man
with lots of well-thought-out, practical ideas.
He is ensuring the financial security of this company
for years to come-- Oh, yes!
And his personal hygiene is above reproach.
-Whoa. Our Dad's the greatest. -All right.
-Homer, I'm impressed. -Way to go, Dad.
-Pretty good, eh? -Yeah.
I want a horn here, here and here.
You can never find your horn when you're mad.
And they should all play "La Cucaracha."
Can do, Mr. S.
And sometimes the kids are in the back seat.
They're hollering. They're making you nuts.
There's gotta be something you can do about that.
Maybe a built-in video game would keep them entertained?
You're fired! What is my brother paying you for?
What about a separate soundproof bubble dome for the kids,
with optional restraints and muzzles?
Bull's-eye! And another thing. When I gun the motor,
I want people to think the world is coming to an end.
Vroom-vroom-vroom!
LISA: The mouse is named Itchy,
and the cat is named Scratchy.
-Uh-huh. -They hate each other.
And they're not shy about expressing it.
Oh, good, good, good, good.
(boing, boing)
(screeching)
(Bart and Lisa laughing)
-(all laughing) -Whoo-hoo!
To think I wasted my life
in board rooms and stockholders meetings
when I could have been watching cartoons!
This old fool has wasted his life.
-(cat yowling) -(laughing)
(monitor beeping)
(wind rushing)
-(shutter clicks) -Hello there.
Do you miss the Antarctic?
Now this is spoiling them.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
-♪♪ (fanfare plays) -Ladies and gentlemen,
esteemed stockholders,
members of the press,
Your Holiness,
tonight, we are going to witness automotive history.
♪♪ (celestial music plays)
♪ Whatever Homer wants... ♪
HOMER: All my life, I have searched for a car
that feels a certain way--
♪ Homer gets ♪
Powerful like a gorilla,
yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball.
Now, at last, I have found it.
ANNOUNCER (on P.A.): Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting the car designed for the average man...
the Homer.
(crowd gasps)
(gagging)
Any questions?
What does this monstrosity cost?
Jerry, what's the sticker price?
(whispering)
$82,000?
This monstrosity cost $82,000?
What have I done?
I mean, the zoo was fun, but...
I'm ruined!
-(Herb sobbing) -(horn plays "La Cucaracha")
-Bye, Uncie Herb. -Bye, Uncie Herb.
-Good-bye, Herb. -Gee, Herb,
because of me, you lost your business,
your home, and all your possessions.
I can't help but think that maybe you would have been better off
if I'd never come into your life.
Maybe I would have been better off?
Maybe? Why, you spongehead!
Of course I'd have been better off!
As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother.
Well, maybe he just said that to make conversation.
His life was an unbridled success
until he found out he was a Simpson.
(tires screech)
I'm here.
Now, where's that millionaire chip off the old block
I call sonny boy?
Get in, Dad. I'll explain on the way home.
D'oh! I knew you'd blow it.
(tires screech)
-Dad? -What is it, boy?
-I thought your car was really cool. -Thanks, boy.
HOMER: I was waiting for someone to say that.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.