1 00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:05,755 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:18,893 -(chalk screeches) -(bell rings) 3 00:00:24,107 --> 00:00:25,358 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,739 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,501 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,255 (tires screech) 7 00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,305 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:58,349 --> 00:00:59,934 (horn honks) 9 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,020 (tires screech) 10 00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:07,901 -Aah! -(tires screech) 11 00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:26,127 {\an8}(dog whining and scratching) 12 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:27,253 {\an8}(barking) 13 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,383 {\an8}(growling) 14 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,094 {\an8}No. No! 15 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,762 {\an8}No! Bad dog! 16 00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:37,597 {\an8}Let go! 17 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,641 {\an8}Bad Santa's Little Helper! 18 00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:42,227 {\an8}Stop it! Not the sports section! 19 00:01:42,310 --> 00:01:43,645 {\an8}D'oh! 20 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:46,731 {\an8}(whining) 21 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:47,982 {\an8}(Homer growling) 22 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:49,734 {\an8}Stupid dog. 23 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:54,280 {\an8}(dog sniffing) 24 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:55,698 No! Stay away. 25 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:56,908 This is not for you. 26 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,993 This is Homer food. 27 00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:01,287 (jabbering) 28 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:05,625 Time to get up, Lisa. 29 00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,252 It's a school day. 30 00:02:07,335 --> 00:02:09,212 (groaning) 31 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,257 Hmm, Lisa, you don't look well. 32 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,675 I'll make it, Mom. 33 00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:16,386 Just tape my lunch box to my hand. 34 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:18,179 Oh, my, you're burning up 35 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,849 and your cheeks are so swollen. 36 00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:22,600 (gasps) I think you have the mumps. 37 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:24,060 I'm calling Dr. Hibbert. 38 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,272 HOMER: Marge, the dog is hungry. 39 00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:29,607 Well, then feed him. 40 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:32,610 Yes, master. 41 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,696 D'oh! 42 00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:40,535 DOLL: You're my best friend. (laughing) 43 00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,787 You're my best friend. (laughing) 44 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,998 You're my best friend. (laughing) 45 00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:46,875 (jabbering, laughing) 46 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,711 (jabbering, laughing) 47 00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:52,005 You're my best friend. (voice warbles) 48 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:54,215 (growling) 49 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,596 Hello, Dr. Hibbert? 50 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:01,472 This is Marge Simpson. 51 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,474 Not that I'm angry, 52 00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:06,060 but how did you get my home number? 53 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:09,189 (chuckles) I see. Quite ingenious. 54 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,399 Doctor, I think Lisa has the mumps. 55 00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:15,904 (chuckles) Mrs. Simpson, much as I'd like to rely on your diagnosis 56 00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:19,282 I think it might be professionally derelict of me to do so. 57 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,242 Let me check my schedule. 58 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:25,121 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, 2:00 is fine. Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. 59 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,248 No way! She's faking! 60 00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:29,417 If Lisa stays home, I stay home. 61 00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,920 If Bart stays home, I'm going to school. 62 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:33,254 Fine. Then... 63 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,298 {\an8}Wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, 64 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:36,341 {\an8}then I go to school. 65 00:03:36,424 --> 00:03:37,967 {\an8}But then Lisa stays home, 66 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,761 {\an8}so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school. 67 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:42,305 Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that. 68 00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:43,932 Have a nice day at school, Bart. 69 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,892 Get my homework from Mrs. Hoover. 70 00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:46,935 Homework? 71 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:50,271 Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. 72 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,398 Don't waste the mumps. 73 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,321 (school bus approaching) 74 00:03:58,404 --> 00:03:59,948 (horn honks) 75 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,157 (whining) 76 00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:06,537 Hey, Bart dude. 77 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:07,830 Hey, Otto man. 78 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:08,790 Yo, hairy bro. 79 00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:10,333 Go home, boy. 80 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:11,334 Go home. 81 00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:13,795 Blah-blah-blah, blah, blah. 82 00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:15,755 (whining) 83 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,176 (sniffing) 84 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,844 (crunching) 85 00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:25,056 (bell rings) 86 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,684 (bell dings) 87 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:29,727 (bell dings) 88 00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:32,313 You wandering mongrel. 89 00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:35,066 Get out of my mom-and-pop operation. 90 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,193 (barking) 91 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,194 (squawking) 92 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,656 -(ring) -Hello? 93 00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,866 Simpson? This is Sylvia Winfield. 94 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,828 That canine of yours is in my pool again. 95 00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:48,746 I'm calling the dog warden right now! 96 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:50,498 Oh, are you? 97 00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:53,334 Well, you go ahead and call your precious dog warden, 98 00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,295 you old battle-ax, 99 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:58,006 because my dog is tied up in the backyard. 100 00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:00,717 There's only one family on this block-- 101 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,552 no, on Earth-- 102 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:05,305 inconsiderate enough to let a monster like that roam free. 103 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:07,098 D'oh! 104 00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:10,184 Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid? 105 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:13,146 I am going to explain this to you one more time, 106 00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:14,731 and then I'm going to hang up on you. 107 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:18,484 It is not my dog! 108 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:23,406 I tied my dog outside myself! 109 00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:26,534 I am looking at him right-- D'oh! 110 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:33,541 Well, howdly-do, Simpson. Getting a little exercise, huh? 111 00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:35,126 Good for you, pal. 112 00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:36,878 Oh, look at this old rascal. 113 00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:39,422 He's a wet old baby boy, isn't he? 114 00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:41,215 You're just a water monster. 115 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:45,011 Well, well. Mr. Universe takes a walk. Ha ha. 116 00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:47,347 (chuckles) Mr. Universe-- I wish. 117 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:51,142 Look at that getup. Heavy hands, ankle weights-- 118 00:05:51,225 --> 00:05:52,560 that's cute-- and... 119 00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:55,271 (gasp) Assassins! 120 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,815 Oh, you betcha. You know, they got the Velcro straps, 121 00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,817 a water pump in the tongue, built-in pedometer, 122 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:03,112 reflective sidewalls, and little vanity license plates. 123 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,739 Ohh! Ohh! How much? How much? How much? 124 00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:07,492 Well, you know, they're not giving them away, 125 00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:10,036 but sometimes you've just got to spoil yourself. 126 00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:11,412 -Yeah. -(beeping) 127 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:12,872 Oop. My heart rate's dropping. 128 00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:14,916 Better skedaddly-do. 129 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,127 LISA: Ahh. 130 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,379 HIBBERT: Mm-hmm. 131 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,923 Discoloration of the saliva glands... 132 00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:22,965 MARGE: Oh, dear. 133 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,050 Swelling of the parotids... 134 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:25,551 I knew it. 135 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:28,179 Yeah, looks like little Lisa has the mumps. 136 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:30,473 I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady. 137 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:33,226 Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class. 138 00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:35,812 (laughing) 139 00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:39,065 Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl. 140 00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:40,566 What's your favorite subject? 141 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,860 -Arithmetic. -Oh ho, ho, ho... 142 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,988 Arithmetic. Now before you know it, you'll be back among 143 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:50,576 your polygons, your hypotenuse, and your Euclidean algorithms. 144 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:53,663 Now you get rest and have yourself a wahwee pop. 145 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:55,873 (phone ringing) 146 00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,208 Yello? 147 00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:59,544 Hi, Lisa. What's wrong? 148 00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:00,753 The mumps? 149 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,672 Ooh, the kissing disease. 150 00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,550 (chuckles) My little girl is growing up. 151 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:06,676 (laughing) 152 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,719 Yuck. Quit it, Dad. 153 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,638 So what does my little girl want? 154 00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:13,433 What? Let me write this down. 155 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:17,395 Copies of "Teen Dream," 156 00:07:17,478 --> 00:07:18,729 "Teen Scream," 157 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:22,525 and "Teen Steam" magazine? 158 00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:26,571 Well, okay, you're the sickie. Good-bye, Lisa. 159 00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:29,657 Hey, Lenny, I need to leave early. Cover for me, will ya? 160 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:30,658 Hey, sure thing, Homer. 161 00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,246 (contented sigh) 162 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:38,833 (smacking) 163 00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:41,002 Well, Lisa, here it is-- 164 00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:43,045 the Bouvier family quilt. 165 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,213 (sniffing) 166 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,842 Wow! Neat! It smells historic. 167 00:07:47,925 --> 00:07:49,844 (gasps) Ooh. 168 00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:52,763 For five generations 169 00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:55,349 women in our family have each added a square to it. 170 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,143 Now it's your turn. 171 00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:59,604 LISA: Oh. But I don't know how to sew. 172 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:01,355 Oh, yes, you do. You just don't know it. 173 00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:03,274 The memory of a million drop stitches 174 00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,318 flows in your veins. 175 00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,823 -Ah. -Very impressive. 176 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:13,743 -You try it. -Oww! 177 00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:15,620 You just need to develop a callous. 178 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:18,289 (humming tune) 179 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:20,500 You see? 180 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,835 Now that's a sewing finger, honey. 181 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,128 Eww. 182 00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:30,801 Oh, man. Two dollars? 183 00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:33,763 Uh, I'll take these three. 184 00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:36,307 -Hmm. -They're for my daughter. 185 00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,683 Sure they are. 186 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,101 Wise guy. 187 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,896 Huh? 188 00:08:41,979 --> 00:08:43,523 Oh. 189 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,566 (gasps) Assassins! 190 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:49,028 Oh... 125 bucks? 191 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:51,030 Sometimes you got to spoil yourself... 192 00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:52,698 spoil yourself... spoil yourself... 193 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,283 But I can't afford-- 194 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,285 Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes! 195 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,454 Okay, Flanders, you're the boss. 196 00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,622 MARGE: This one's mine. 197 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:03,042 "Keep On Truckin'"? What does that mean? 198 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,920 MARGE: I didn't know then and I don't know now. 199 00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:07,296 Here's your stupid homework. 200 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:11,092 Ooh, phonics, functions, vocabulary... 201 00:09:11,175 --> 00:09:13,970 remedial reading? 202 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:16,055 Oh, do your own homework, Bart. 203 00:09:16,138 --> 00:09:17,765 -D'oh! -Here's your magazines. 204 00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:20,518 How many of these guys are named Corey? 205 00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,061 Eight. Thanks, Dad. 206 00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:25,940 -Whoa! Assassins! -Yep, read 'em and weep. 207 00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:27,817 Those are very elaborate sneakers. 208 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:30,027 They better be for 125 big ones. 209 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:32,071 -D'oh! -$125? 210 00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:32,989 -Bart! -Ahh! 211 00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:34,031 -Homer! -D'oh! 212 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,283 I thought we agreed 213 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,410 to consult each other before any major purchases. 214 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,328 Well, you bought all those smoke alarms 215 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,582 -and we haven't had a single fire. -(growls) 216 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:46,377 A manhunt-- or should I say a woman hunt-- is on... 217 00:09:46,460 --> 00:09:49,589 You know, Joe, yours is the only show I'll do. 218 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,591 {\an8}♪♪ (jingle music playing) 219 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:55,636 As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest. 220 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,388 ♪♪ (jingle music playing) 221 00:09:57,471 --> 00:09:59,181 It's a penalty kick for-- 222 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:01,517 (whining) 223 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:11,110 (screaming) 224 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,906 (gasping, whimpering) 225 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,867 Shoe lace... 226 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,535 (Homer whimpering) 227 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:24,415 -No! -(howling) 228 00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:26,167 (dogs barking) 229 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,300 (whimpering) 230 00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,344 Well, Homer, there seems to be 231 00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:38,679 a lot of good obedience schools here. 232 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:41,515 Oh, school, right. Yeah, that's your answer for everything. 233 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:44,018 MARGE: Hmm. 234 00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:45,895 Oh. 235 00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:48,147 (groaning) 236 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:51,609 Oh, this one looks very reputable. 237 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,780 -(barking) -(blows dog whistle) 238 00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:58,366 (thick British accent) What lovely handwriting. Have a toffee. 239 00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,159 Such a neat dog. Have at them. 240 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:01,744 Well done. 241 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,371 Oh! Aww... 242 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:06,332 Now, if I could borrow Satan's Little Helper. 243 00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:08,793 Santa's Little Helper. 244 00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:11,462 Ladies and gentlemen, most of you already know 245 00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:14,256 that with a little love and compassion, 246 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:18,344 any puppy will grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. 247 00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:21,263 Stuff and nonsense taught by charlatans 248 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,099 and learned by bloody twits. 249 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,393 Let me tell you the two most important words 250 00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:27,812 you will ever hear in your life. 251 00:11:27,895 --> 00:11:29,480 Choke chain. 252 00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:32,358 You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: 253 00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:34,777 with simple, authoritative commands. 254 00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,154 Lay down! 255 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:40,491 -Followed by immediate correction. -(yelps) 256 00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:43,411 How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively? 257 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,414 The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude 258 00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:48,582 and change color, ever so slightly. 259 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:50,251 Is my dog dead, ma'am? 260 00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,294 Ha ha! You don't know how often I am asked that. 261 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,338 Choke chain is a misnomer. 262 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,882 Trust me, they are always breathing. 263 00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,219 WOMAN (on TV): Jack, I think the baby might be yours. 264 00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:02,096 Oh, I'm sure it is, doll face, 265 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:03,556 but I'd like to see you prove it. 266 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:05,850 -You treat me like garbage. -(laughing) 267 00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:08,269 That's because that's the way you love it, baby. 268 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,023 Gee, is it always this good? 269 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:16,277 Mmm, I don't know. I just step in and out. 270 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,987 I'm only watching today 271 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,864 because Brandy is coming out of her coma 272 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:23,242 and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse. 273 00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:25,035 -(barking and screeching) -Oh, that dog! 274 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,370 Bad dog! 275 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:27,788 Don't worry, Snowball. 276 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:30,249 Blah, blah, blah, blah. 277 00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:32,668 (cat screeches) 278 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,462 Mom, what will we do if Santa's Little Helper 279 00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:37,214 doesn't learn anything in obedience school? 280 00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:38,591 I don't know. 281 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,928 Father McGrath, I thought you were dead. 282 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:43,846 I was. 283 00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:45,097 ♪♪ 284 00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,403 There are two ways for a dog to relieve himself: 285 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:02,364 One is like a faithful friend and partner for life. 286 00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,201 The other is like a hose without a fireman. 287 00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:08,078 Which way do you think that was, Mr. Simpson? 288 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,831 Like a hose, your wrinkled highness. 289 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,500 Hyah! 290 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,671 Uh, I changed my mind. I decided I don't want these shoes. 291 00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:19,089 Hey, wait a minute. What happened here? 292 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:22,176 Well, my faithful dog was bringing me my shoes 293 00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,345 and they fell apart in his mouth. 294 00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:25,971 I'm sorry, sir. Our warranty doesn't cover 295 00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,265 fire, theft or acts of dog. 296 00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:33,062 (gasps) Big cookie! 297 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:34,980 -Aloha. -Well, aloha. 298 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:37,650 -Would you like a free sample? -The price is right. 299 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:42,112 Mmm. Ooh. Macamacdamia nuts. 300 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,865 If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each. 301 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:47,409 Oh, so that's your little plan. 302 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:51,247 Get us addicted, then jack up the price. 303 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:52,540 Well, you win. 304 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:56,377 Property of... 305 00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:58,587 Hom-er... 306 00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,589 J.... 307 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,924 Simps-on. 308 00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:03,384 Hands off! 309 00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:15,312 (snarling) 310 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,690 Look, Mom, I finished my patch. 311 00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,483 It depicts the two greatest 312 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,403 musical influences in my life. (coughing) 313 00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:25,990 On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school. 314 00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:28,826 He taught me that even the noblest concerto 315 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,995 can be drained of its beauty and soul. 316 00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:33,581 And on the right is "Bleeding Gums" Murphy. 317 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:36,250 He taught me that music is like a fire in your belly 318 00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:37,918 that comes out of your mouth 319 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:40,087 so you better stick an instrument in front of it. 320 00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:41,046 -Hmm... -And look. 321 00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:47,344 -Oh. -Oh. 322 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:48,804 (lapping up water) 323 00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:55,811 ♪♪ (spooky music) 324 00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:02,109 (growling) 325 00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:03,694 Come on, Homer. 326 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:06,071 I want you to see what your sick little girl did. 327 00:15:08,198 --> 00:15:10,492 (screaming) 328 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:11,952 My quilt! 329 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:14,371 Six generations, ruined! (crying) 330 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:17,833 Now, Marge. Honey, honey, honey. 331 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:21,253 Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. 332 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,339 It's not the end of the world. 333 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:27,384 We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to-- 334 00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:30,137 (screams) My cookie! 335 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,264 (sobbing) 336 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:35,351 This is not happening. This is not happening! 337 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:41,482 Everybody in the kitchen! We're having a family meeting. 338 00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:43,025 We never had a family meeting before. 339 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,568 We never had a problem 340 00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:46,779 with a family member we can give away before. 341 00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,572 MARGE: Homer, what are you saying? 342 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,990 I'm saying... 343 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:53,577 (jabbering) 344 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,540 No way! You can't give my dog away. 345 00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,542 I'll set fire to my hair. I'll rip up all my clothes. 346 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:01,919 -I'll put sugar in the gas tank. -Bart! 347 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,420 I've suffered as much as anyone 348 00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:05,130 at the paws of this dog. 349 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:08,050 But when I look into his vacant brown eyes, 350 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:11,261 I just can't bear to let him go. 351 00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,138 I'm sure Mom agrees with me. 352 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,392 No, I'm afraid I agree with your father. 353 00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:17,768 You do? 354 00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:18,811 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha! ♪ 355 00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:22,064 Homer, please. It's not just the quilt. 356 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:24,149 He's a nice dog, but he chews up everything. 357 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,652 He doesn't obey. He's not even housebroken, 358 00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:28,737 and we've spent all this money on an obedience school, 359 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,739 and I don't see any improvement. 360 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,241 Alright, alright. If Santa's Little Helper 361 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,118 studies real hard, and passes his finals 362 00:16:34,201 --> 00:16:36,412 and becomes a perfect dog, 363 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,539 -can we keep him then? -No! 364 00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:41,417 -Dad! -This is our pet. 365 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,420 We can question his integrity and disposition, 366 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,089 but we can't question his heart. 367 00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:50,050 Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem 368 00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,928 with something you love is to throw it away? 369 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,473 (crying) Oh, Lisa. 370 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:59,560 If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, 371 00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,854 I want you in my corner, honey. 372 00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,480 Oh, all right. 373 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,983 If he passes obedience school, we can keep him. 374 00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:07,401 -All right. -Yay. 375 00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:08,444 (coughs) 376 00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,822 BART: See, boy, it's not so hard. 377 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:15,034 Here, roll over. Roll over! 378 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,077 Like this. 379 00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:18,662 Congratulations, Sonny. 380 00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:20,247 You've earned a toffee. 381 00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:21,331 Oh, thank you. 382 00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,000 (quietly) You moldy old maid. 383 00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:24,960 Homer, can't we place this ad 384 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:27,254 after the dog fails his test? 385 00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,089 No. We have to commit ourselves. 386 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,507 Now take this down. 387 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:34,553 Free to loving home, world's most brilliant dog. 388 00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:36,680 Says "I love you" on command. 389 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:39,183 -(grumbling) -Type, type. 390 00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:41,894 Now! 391 00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:43,228 Sit! 392 00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:46,523 I said, "sit." 393 00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:50,027 Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. 394 00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:53,197 See? He does exactly what I tell him. 395 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,532 HOMER: Oh, no. We'd never give him away 396 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:58,202 but we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. 397 00:17:58,285 --> 00:17:59,870 You're what? 398 00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:01,246 Oh, sure. 399 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,790 Come here, boy. 400 00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,459 Put that prowler down. Come here. Come on, boy. 401 00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:07,044 (panting) 402 00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:09,338 Say it, boy. Say "I love you" for the nice man. 403 00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,340 (panting) I ruv ru. 404 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,549 Good dog! 405 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:13,634 Good doggie. 406 00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:15,094 Isn't that amazing? 407 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,596 See you soon. Woo-hoo! 408 00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:20,891 A lot of you think your dogs have mastered the "stay" command. 409 00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:25,395 Let's see if they can "stay" away from this Beef Wellington. 410 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,815 Now, stay. 411 00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,567 (panting) 412 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,903 Stay, boy! Stay! Stay! 413 00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:34,404 Stay! 414 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,366 (chomping) 415 00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:39,952 Oh, he'd be very happy at my farm. 416 00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:42,412 People think only mules can pull carts. 417 00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,039 Impatient people think that. 418 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:46,708 -But patient people know better. -(yelps) 419 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:49,336 HOMER: He can pick him up tomorrow. 420 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,884 Mrs. Winthrop, I was thinking. 421 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,806 -Ah! Oh! -Oh, dear. 422 00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:04,643 Since you get paid either way, would it be a big deal 423 00:19:04,726 --> 00:19:06,979 to just let my dog pass? 424 00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:10,774 I see. Rubber stamp, thank you very much, next in line. 425 00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:11,900 -Is that it? -Yeah. 426 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,987 Heavens to murgatroid. But! 427 00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:19,491 Perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe, 428 00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:22,786 as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep 429 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:25,622 or neutered one by one. 430 00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:28,792 But my time has not passed yet! 431 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:32,462 The world does not need another college graduate 432 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,548 who doesn't know how to sit! 433 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:36,466 He'll sit, he'll sit. 434 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,093 Come on, boy, sit. 435 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,344 Sit. 436 00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,597 Blah-blah, blah-blah. 437 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,223 -Pull the chain. -Huh? 438 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:46,393 -Correct the dog. -I don't wanna strangle my dog. 439 00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:49,229 Pull the bloody chain, boy! 440 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,982 (yelping) 441 00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:54,193 (whimpering) 442 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,737 I'm sorry, boy. You can't help being dumb. 443 00:19:58,113 --> 00:19:59,448 Hmm, what are you doing, dear? 444 00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,033 Sewing a new quilt. 445 00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,118 You know, it's one thing to be a link in a chain. 446 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,078 It's another to start one of your own. 447 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,205 Aw... 448 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:07,915 This patch commemorates 449 00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:10,584 the destruction of the old quilt. 450 00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:16,048 Well, you certainly captured the moment. Mwah! 451 00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:17,591 Come on, boy. 452 00:20:17,674 --> 00:20:19,635 Sit. 453 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:20,969 Sit... sit... 454 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,764 Sit! Oh, come on, sit! 455 00:20:23,847 --> 00:20:25,474 Oh, man. 456 00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,226 Bart, he's not going to learn it now. 457 00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:29,019 Don't spend your last hours together 458 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:31,063 tormenting the poor creature. 459 00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,523 Have some fun. Frolic with him. 460 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,193 Go get it, boy! 461 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,405 (sighs) 462 00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:53,752 -(growling) -(growling) 463 00:20:58,465 --> 00:21:01,009 I'm gonna miss you, boy. 464 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:04,012 I thought we were going to be pals forever. 465 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:08,225 But we're going to have to say good-bye, 466 00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:11,019 because you don't understand a single word I say. 467 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,897 If you just knew how important it was to learn... 468 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:15,315 blah blah sit. 469 00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,443 Wait a minute, you did it. 470 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,072 Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. 471 00:21:22,155 --> 00:21:23,824 Lay down. 472 00:21:24,908 --> 00:21:26,702 Shake hands? 473 00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:29,871 Stay. 474 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:32,165 -Speak. -(barks) 475 00:21:32,249 --> 00:21:34,209 All right! Good boy! 476 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,086 Roll over. 477 00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:40,424 You son of a bitch. 478 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:41,717 Good show! 479 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:43,385 (cheering) 480 00:21:48,223 --> 00:21:50,142 Alright. Yay. 481 00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:03,113 {\an8}♪♪ 482 00:23:05,258 --> 00:23:06,718 Shh! 483 00:23:09,679 --> 00:23:12,599 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.