1 00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:06,381 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:14,222 --> 00:00:18,893 -(chalk screeches) -(bell rings) 3 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:25,358 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,739 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,460 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:47,547 (tires screech) 7 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:55,221 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:58,641 --> 00:00:59,934 (horn honks) 9 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,312 (tires screech) 10 00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,025 -Aah! -(tires screech) 11 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,946 Hey, what-- What? What the-- Who the-- (groans) 12 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,878 {\an8}Dad, the next time we see you 13 00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:28,296 {\an8}we'll do something more fun. 14 00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:30,632 {\an8}Oh, what could be more fun 15 00:01:30,715 --> 00:01:34,094 {\an8}than today's trip to the liquor store? 16 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,804 {\an8}Thanks for the beef jerky. 17 00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:36,971 {\an8}Say good-bye to Grampa, everyone. 18 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,723 {\an8}-BOTH: Bye. -Good-b-- 19 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,517 (groans) 20 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,103 {\an8}You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage 21 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,354 {\an8}where the bottom's all wet. 22 00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,397 {\an8}Nu-uh, he smells more like a photo lab. 23 00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:48,108 {\an8}Stop it! Both of you. 24 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,235 {\an8}Grampa smells like a regular old man 25 00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:52,570 {\an8}which is more like a hallway in a hospital. 26 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:54,280 {\an8}Homer, that's terrible. 27 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:57,033 {\an8}We should be teaching the children to treasure the elderly. 28 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,993 {\an8}You know, we'll be old someday. 29 00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:01,162 {\an8}(gasps) My God! You're right, Marge! 30 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,206 {\an8}You kids won't put me in a home like I did to my Dad, would you? 31 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,208 -Well... -(screams) 32 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,335 Marge, what do we do? 33 00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:10,088 Well, I think we better set an example. 34 00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:13,007 Absolutely. Our third Sunday of every month 35 00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,426 should be a pleasure, not a chore. 36 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:17,762 Where's someplace fun we can take Grampa next time? 37 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,180 -To the pony ride. -No. 38 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:20,974 -Yeah! -Boring. 39 00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:23,393 -He can't sit on ponies. -Well, I always enjoy the glass blower 40 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:26,104 -at old Springfield town. -Aw, he saw that. 41 00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:27,397 Big yawner. 42 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,732 The Museum of Barnyard Oddities. 43 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,401 -No, Bart, no. -Bart, gross. 44 00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,111 -BART: Gosh. -I got it. 45 00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:34,571 The Springfield Mystery Spot. 46 00:02:34,654 --> 00:02:36,739 LISA: Dad, it's just a dumb mud puddle. 47 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,908 (Homer gasps) 48 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,120 ALL: Discount Lion Safari! 49 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:48,501 (muttering) 50 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:56,050 Hey! These aren't my pills. 51 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:59,179 Now, now, Mr. Simmons, don't make me call Nurse Bronski. 52 00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:01,306 (groans) That's Simpson, damn it, 53 00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:02,974 and these aren't my pills! 54 00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:05,643 Excuse me, nurse. My name is Simmons, 55 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,437 and I think I have the wrong pills. 56 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,856 I get two red ones for my back spasms, 57 00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:11,774 a yellow one for my arrhythmia, 58 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:14,152 and two of the bluest eyes 59 00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:17,113 I've ever seen in my life. 60 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,948 Then these must be... 61 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,325 And I have your... 62 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:21,868 -They must have... -They must have... 63 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:25,205 (both laughing) 64 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,832 (both coughing) 65 00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:36,257 Look at us. We're staring at each other 66 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:39,761 like a couple of stupid, punk teenagers. 67 00:03:39,844 --> 00:03:41,054 Oh, I wasn't staring. 68 00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,389 It's, uh, my lazy eye. 69 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,517 I'm Beatrice Simmons, but my friends call me Bea. 70 00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:49,395 Well, I'm Abraham J. Simpson. 71 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:52,232 Care to tip the wrist with me? (clicks tongue) 72 00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:54,275 (chuckles) Oh, I would be delighted. 73 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,402 So, um-- (clears throat) 74 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:59,572 ...tell me about yourself. 75 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:03,201 Eh, widower, one son, one working kidney. And you? 76 00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:05,787 Widowed, bad hip, and liver disorder. 77 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,622 You left something out. 78 00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:08,831 Ravishing. 79 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,000 (both laugh) 80 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,669 Mmm! 81 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:17,173 Ohh! 82 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,259 Mmm, num-num-num-num num-num-num-num. 83 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:20,468 Num-num-num-num. 84 00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:23,012 Mmm! 85 00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:26,224 (moans) 86 00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:28,893 (both slurping) 87 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,019 (cups clatter) 88 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,814 And what are you doing tonight? 89 00:04:32,897 --> 00:04:34,607 Sitting alone in my room. 90 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,985 Oh, well, if you've got plans already-- 91 00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:38,653 No. What were you going to say? 92 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,363 -Oh, nothing. -Oh, Abe. 93 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,573 You were going to say something. 94 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,034 Well, I was wondering if you and I, 95 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:49,080 you know, might go to the same place at the same time, and-- 96 00:04:49,163 --> 00:04:51,207 Jeez, you think this would get easier with time! 97 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,418 I'd love to. 98 00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:54,919 (singing gibberish) 99 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,421 ♪ Taxi, honey ♪ 100 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:57,547 (gibberish) 101 00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:59,590 ♪ Half past three ♪ 102 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:00,842 Okay. 103 00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:03,386 Now where's that pomade? 104 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:06,347 Ah! "You'll never fly solo again." Ooh! 105 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,141 (humming) 106 00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:10,435 Ah, damn, out of pomade. 107 00:05:10,518 --> 00:05:11,936 Oh, well. (hocks) 108 00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:19,944 Ooh, hello, young lady. 109 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,071 -Is your grandmother home? -(chuckles) 110 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:26,326 Oh, Abe, I can tell I better keep my good eye on you. 111 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,286 Damn straight. 112 00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:31,331 ♪♪ 113 00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:32,999 ♪ Embrace me ♪ 114 00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:37,045 ♪ My sweet embraceable you ♪ 115 00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,299 ♪ Embrace me ♪ 116 00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:45,428 ♪ You irreplaceable you ♪ 117 00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:49,640 BEA: ♪ Don't be a naughty baby ♪ 118 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:51,351 ABE: ♪ Come to papa ♪ 119 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:55,772 ♪ Come to papa-do ♪ 120 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:58,066 BOTH: ♪ My sweet ♪ 121 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,402 ♪ Embraceable ♪ 122 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:05,698 ♪ You ♪ 123 00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:10,453 Herman, a very special lady is having her birthday tomorrow. 124 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:12,538 Ah, The battleship "New Jersey." 125 00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:15,291 No, you idiot! My girlfriend Bea. 126 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,543 And since this is the only store I know-- 127 00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,129 Oh, Grampa, nothing says "I love you" better 128 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,131 than a military antique. 129 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,050 Let's take a look at the bayonet case, huh? 130 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,302 Hey, what's that? 131 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,638 (chuckles) That, my friend, was Napoleon's hat. 132 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,598 It doesn't look like Napoleon's hat. 133 00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:31,974 Well, it's not the famous hat. 134 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,977 It's the one he wore for a week in April, 1796 135 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,521 just before he defeated the Sardinians. 136 00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:38,398 Ooh, how much? 137 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,608 -$400. -I'll give you five bucks. 138 00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:42,777 That's not the kind of offer you should make to a man 139 00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:44,862 with a Gatling gun under the counter. 140 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:46,948 HERMAN: Why don't you try Grandma's World? 141 00:06:47,031 --> 00:06:50,701 Yo, active wear. I need a price check on a wool shawl. 142 00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:55,498 Dad, it's the third Sunday of the month. 143 00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:56,707 You know what that means. 144 00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:59,252 -Go away! -Oh, come on, Dad. 145 00:06:59,335 --> 00:07:02,547 I promise we'll have more fun this time. We're gonna see lions! 146 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,591 I can't go. It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday. 147 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:09,429 Oh, you have a girlfriend. 148 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:14,225 (chuckles) Well, happy birthday, Bea. 149 00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,018 She can come with us. 150 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:19,272 Hey, there's room for all your friends in the car. 151 00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,441 No! She's not invisible, you idiot! 152 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,817 See? It's her birthday tonight. 153 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,193 Yeah, right. 154 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,154 Hey! You kids, stop kicking the seat. 155 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,530 I'm kicking the seat. 156 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,699 Dad, don't you want to know where we're going? 157 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:33,369 -No. -ALL: Discount Lion Safari! 158 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,746 Damn these child-proof doors. 159 00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:42,879 -Hello. -That will be 18.50, partner. 160 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,130 LISA: "Do not feed animals." 161 00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:46,132 "Do not allow animals in the car." 162 00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:48,468 "Do not make eye contact with animals." 163 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,761 (sarcastically) Are we in Africa yet? 164 00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:54,474 Did anybody notice this place sucks? 165 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,100 {\an8}It seems that most of the animals are sleeping. 166 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,685 Well, let them sleep on their own time. 167 00:07:57,768 --> 00:07:59,353 (horn honking) 168 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,569 Homer, are you sure this is the right way? 169 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,613 The road seems to have gotten awfully bumpy. 170 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,407 -(screams) -(roars) 171 00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:15,786 ABE: What a wingding. This is much better 172 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,372 than my girlfriend's birthday party. 173 00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,208 -Homer -Bart, get out and push. 174 00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:21,250 Yeah, Bart. Get out and push. 175 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,627 No way, Jose. 176 00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:24,462 ABE: Okay, we've seen the lions. 177 00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,297 Can we go now? 178 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:35,848 (screaming) 179 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:44,774 Oh, Bea! 180 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,026 (trumpeting) 181 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:49,987 (gunshot) 182 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,116 Mr. Simpson, I presume. 183 00:08:57,620 --> 00:09:00,706 Out of my way. I got a date with an angel. 184 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,792 You don't know how right you are, Abe. 185 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:05,294 -What? -I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, 186 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:09,006 but... Bea passed away last night. 187 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,259 Oh, no. 188 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:12,802 It was her ticker. 189 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,512 The doc said her left ventricle burst. 190 00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:17,223 Oh, no, Jasper. 191 00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:20,476 They may say she died of a burst ventricle, 192 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:24,981 but I know she died of a broken heart. 193 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:34,782 ABE: I can tell she really cared for me. 194 00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:37,118 She didn't make me a pallbearer. 195 00:09:37,201 --> 00:09:39,287 (grunting and groaning) 196 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:42,582 I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad. 197 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,585 Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything. 198 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:49,005 Oh, no, Dad's lost his hearing! 199 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,966 No, you idiot, I'm ignoring you! 200 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:54,135 You made me miss the last precious moments 201 00:09:54,218 --> 00:09:55,636 of Bea's life. 202 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,264 I'll never speak to you again! 203 00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:01,809 I have no son! 204 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:08,649 Oh, Bea. 205 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,530 Oh... 206 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,532 Hmm. 207 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,951 It was a beautiful service, wasn't it, Mr. Simpson? 208 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,536 Ahh! Who the hell are you? 209 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,580 Lionel Hutts, Attorney at Law. 210 00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,832 I'm the executor of Beatrice Simmons' estate. 211 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:26,876 Mr. Simpson, Bea was a wealthy woman, 212 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,546 {\an8}and, surprise, surprise, she left everything to you. 213 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,215 -Really? -There is one catch. 214 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:36,886 You must spend one night in a haunted house. 215 00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:38,888 -(gasps) -Just kidding, just kidding. 216 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:42,767 Here's a check for $106,000 217 00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:45,519 "To enjoy as you see fit." 218 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:46,729 Oh, I'm touched. 219 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,981 $106,000? 220 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,775 Ta-ta, Mr. Simpson. 221 00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:52,860 By the way, old-timer, I do wills. 222 00:10:52,943 --> 00:10:56,155 Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. 223 00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:59,075 It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something? 224 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:00,409 -(telephone rings) -Hello. 225 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,662 -Hello, Homer? -Whoo-hoo! It's Dad! 226 00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:04,497 Dad's on the phone, he's calling me! 227 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:07,792 Oh, Dad, oh, I knew you'd forgive me. 228 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,669 I haven't forgiven you. 229 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:15,966 I just inherited $106,000, and I just had to tell you 230 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,260 that you're not getting one thin dime! 231 00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,721 -Ha-ha! -D'oh! 232 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,723 -Mr. Simpson? -Ahh! What is it? 233 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:26,102 I couldn't help overhearing about your new-found fortune, 234 00:11:26,185 --> 00:11:29,188 and let me assure you that here at the Springfield Retirement Castle, 235 00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:30,981 money does make a difference. 236 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:31,982 -Huh? -(chuckles) 237 00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:33,567 I mean, there are rubdowns, 238 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,695 and then there are rubdowns. 239 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:40,116 Listen, you bloodsucker, has it ever occurred to you 240 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:43,160 that old folks deserve to be treated like human beings 241 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,287 whether they have money or not? 242 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,956 Yes, but it passes. 243 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,959 Ohh! You lousy son of a-- 244 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,627 I'll take it. 245 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,547 Hey, big spender, why the change of heart? 246 00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:57,133 Bea told me to enjoy my moolah, 247 00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:59,593 and I'm going to, dagnabit! 248 00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:01,554 Huh. 249 00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:02,680 -(bell jingles) -Yeah. 250 00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:03,597 Yeah. 251 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,893 So, where to, pappy? 252 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,103 Eh, take me someplace fun. 253 00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:10,271 You're the boss. 254 00:12:10,354 --> 00:12:11,647 Next stop... Funsville. 255 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,567 (crowd clamoring) 256 00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,110 Ayah. 257 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,780 Ayah. 258 00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:24,702 Ayah. 259 00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:30,791 I miss Bea. 260 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,001 I miss you too. 261 00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:34,336 (screaming) 262 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,715 Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. 263 00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:39,633 They've got me haunting a family in Texas. 264 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:43,387 Oh, I'm glad you're keeping busy. 265 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:48,058 Now listen Abe. I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness? 266 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:51,520 Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the high life. 267 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:54,106 Abraham, if you're not happy with the money, 268 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,108 why don't you spread it around? 269 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:59,028 Make other people as happy as you made me. 270 00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,947 Oh, thanks, Bea, I will. 271 00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:04,200 And go see your son. He misses you. 272 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:07,953 Oh, I miss him, too, the big, fat Dickens. 273 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:10,956 Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you. 274 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,751 What was death like? 275 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,086 Not as scary as this! 276 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:18,047 (all screaming) 277 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:21,383 (crying) I miss my Daddy. 278 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,636 Homer, this thing with your Dad 279 00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:25,971 has had you moping around the house for days. 280 00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:29,558 I think it's time for you to talk to someone who understands. 281 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:34,021 Hiya. You've reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line. 282 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:35,481 -(doorbell chimes) -If you have a sullen teenager, 283 00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:36,941 press one now. 284 00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:40,152 If you're estranged from your spouse, press two, now. 285 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,904 If you have trouble maintaining an... 286 00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,447 -Grampa! -Huh? 287 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,741 -Dad! -Sonny boy! 288 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,121 Is there room at your table for a foolish old man? 289 00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:53,290 Well, sure. 290 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:56,836 Eh, we'll have to move a chair in from the den, but it's no problem. 291 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,004 -Bart! -Choose your corn cob. 292 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,172 En garde. 293 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:01,632 Challenge accepted. 294 00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:05,469 -All my precious stacks of gold... -(belching) 295 00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:08,764 ...couldn't buy me the pleasures of a simple family meal. 296 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,057 Pass the bug juice, Dad. 297 00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:11,725 Wait your turn, you pig. 298 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:14,270 I have an announcement to make. 299 00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:17,314 I've decided to give Bea's money away. 300 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,191 There are people who really need it. 301 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,943 I'm gonna let them come to me 302 00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:23,028 and plead their case, and then I'll decide 303 00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:24,864 who needs it most. 304 00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,365 {\an8}Grampa, that's the noblest thought that's 305 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,534 {\an8}ever been expressed at this table. 306 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:31,871 -Give it to us, Grampa. -Bart! Forgive him, Dad. 307 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:33,622 He's just a stupid little kid, 308 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:36,375 who says the first thing that pops into his head, 309 00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,711 but you know, there's wisdom in his innocence. 310 00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:40,296 -You don't want it. -Yes, I do. 311 00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:41,922 Too bad, you ain't gettin' it. 312 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,926 {\an8}Not since this reporter's marriage 313 00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:48,137 {\an8}to Stephanie the Weather lady, 314 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:52,057 {\an8}has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo... 315 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,767 {\an8}all because of this man. 316 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,562 {\an8}Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson 317 00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:59,273 {\an8}announced that he will give away over $100,000 318 00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:02,693 to the person or persons he finds most deserving. 319 00:15:02,776 --> 00:15:07,156 Is Grampa Simpson a modern day saint, a rich nut, or both? 320 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,991 Only time will tell. 321 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,451 This is Kent Brockman, 322 00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:13,162 on line for an old man's money. 323 00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:16,457 Ah, you see, Gramp, I want to customize the bus. 324 00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:17,958 You know, chop the top 325 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,585 jack it up, put mag wheels on it, 326 00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:22,713 psychedelic paint job from hell, man. 327 00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:26,008 Jam the kids to school at 150 miles an hour. 328 00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:27,426 Here's an artist's rendering. 329 00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:30,638 Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick. 330 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,556 -Next. -Duh... 331 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,018 Grampa... I can call you "Grampa," can't I? 332 00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:37,478 Yeah, yeah, go ahead. 333 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,064 Alright. I need that money. Please. Please! 334 00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,857 Wait a minute. Wait. 335 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,652 You're that guy who owns the nuclear power plant. 336 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:45,903 Well, the ownership is divided. 337 00:15:45,986 --> 00:15:47,738 What the hell do you think you are doing? 338 00:15:47,821 --> 00:15:49,615 Mr. Simpson, I dread the day 339 00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,326 when $100,000 isn't worth groveling for. 340 00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:54,244 Get out of here! 341 00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:58,457 You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, old man. 342 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:00,501 Here's the deal, Grampa. 343 00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:05,172 A guy I think was an explorer left this in the bar one night. 344 00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:06,757 It may be a map to ancient treasure, 345 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,884 or directions to some guy's house, 346 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,552 but to find out, we'll need money, 347 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,847 we'll need provisions, and a two-man diving bell. 348 00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:15,766 It's pretty stupid, 349 00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:18,352 -but so far, you're the front-runner. -Hmm. 350 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:20,896 It's a special isolation chamber. 351 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,774 The subject pulls levers to receive food and warmth. 352 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:25,776 The floor can become electrified, 353 00:16:25,859 --> 00:16:29,113 and showers of icy water randomly fall on the subject. 354 00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:31,115 I call it the "Monroe Box." 355 00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:34,410 -Uh-huh. Well, it sounds interesting. -Uh-huh. 356 00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,328 How much will it cost to build? 357 00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,580 Oh, that's the beauty part. It's already built. 358 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:41,291 I need the money to buy a baby to raise in the box 359 00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,836 -until the age of 30. -What are you trying to prove? 360 00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:47,047 My theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted 361 00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,800 and will harbor a deep resentment towards me. 362 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,677 Hmm, interesting. 363 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,387 Let's see. I want a tear gas pen, 364 00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:56,473 -a blow gun with paralyzer darts... -Oh, no. 365 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,017 -Nunchakus. -Nunchakus? 366 00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,601 -Yeah. -What the hell are those? 367 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:01,770 A copy of "Radioactive Man, #27." 368 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:03,313 That's the first time he fights Dr. Crab. 369 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,524 And I wanna buy that baseball card 370 00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:07,067 where the guy's flipping the bird. 371 00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,610 Oh, yeah, I've seen that one. 372 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:09,778 Oh, and a monkey. 373 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,364 What the hell is that? 374 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,074 Why, it's a death ray, my good man. 375 00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:15,159 Behold. 376 00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,911 Hey, feels warm. 377 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:19,329 Kind of nice. 378 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,290 Well, it is just the prototype. 379 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,375 With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby 380 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:26,045 could destroy an area the size of New York City. 381 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:28,338 But I want to help people, not kill them. 382 00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:33,052 Oh. Well, to be honest, the ray only has evil applications. 383 00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:34,970 You know, my wife will be happy. 384 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:38,015 She's hated this whole death ray thing from day one. 385 00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:43,395 Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you deserve all that money? 386 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,607 I don't deserve it, Grampa. No one here does. 387 00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:48,734 The people who deserve it are on the streets 388 00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:50,444 and they're in the slums. 389 00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:53,572 They're little children who need more library books 390 00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,450 and families who can't make ends meet. 391 00:17:56,533 --> 00:17:58,077 Of course, if you really wanted to, 392 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,287 -you could buy me a pony. -You're right. 393 00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:02,122 I'll name her Princess and I'll ride her every day. 394 00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,833 No, you're right about all the poor souls 395 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,710 who need a helping hand. 396 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:09,213 I need to take a walk to clear my head. 397 00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:14,134 -(siren wails in distance) -Oh, dear. 398 00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:16,011 (baby crying in distance) 399 00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,727 Ah, I'm exhausted. 400 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:24,937 Oh, poor baby. 401 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,480 Been lifting your wallet? 402 00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,315 No! I'll have you know 403 00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:32,319 I've decided to give my money away to truly needy causes. 404 00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:35,614 -Hmm. -But $100,000 just isn't enough. 405 00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:37,324 I need more. 406 00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:40,452 Well, why don't you go on the seniors' gambling junket? 407 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:43,080 I bet you could double your money or even triple it. 408 00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:44,498 Well, it's tempting. 409 00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:46,750 Plus, they got a 99¢ shrimp cocktail. 410 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:47,835 You sold me. 411 00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:51,130 -(Otto humming) -Slow down. 412 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,673 Are you trying to get us killed? 413 00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:55,467 It's too hot, ya' maniac! Turn on the air already! 414 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,469 Hey, mellow out, old dudes, 415 00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:01,723 or I'll jam this baby into a river, all right? 416 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,852 (humming to Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein") 417 00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:06,395 Miss, I'm looking for Abe Simpson. 418 00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:08,397 It's important I get a hold of him. 419 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,482 I have to tell him I don't care about his money 420 00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:11,817 and I love him. 421 00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,443 We get that a lot. 422 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,696 He left with the senior casino junket. 423 00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:17,322 Casino? (screams) 424 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:20,826 (humming Jethro Tull's "Aqualung") 425 00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,161 Come on, everybody! 426 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:26,707 (humming together) 427 00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:34,339 Hello, I am Plato. 428 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:38,385 Please partake of keno, craps, and the loosest slots in town. 429 00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:41,680 My philosophy is "enjoy." 430 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:45,225 Change, please. 431 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,060 (gasps) 432 00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:50,272 (tires screeching) 433 00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,566 A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, 434 00:19:52,649 --> 00:19:55,152 -and, for God sakes, hurry. -(distorted voice on speaker) 435 00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:57,946 $5,000 on... 436 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,615 -What century is this? -The 20th. 437 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:00,949 Great! Put it on #20. 438 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,659 Excuse me. 439 00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,036 Excuse me, have you seen an old man with a lot of money? 440 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,412 He looks like me, but he's wrinkled. 441 00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:08,040 Hello. Have you seen a-- Dad! 442 00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:11,460 No! 443 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,212 -DEALER: 20 black. -(Abe laughing) 444 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:16,131 -Holy moly. You're winning. -All mine, all mine. 445 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,008 Beat it, boy. You're cramping my style. 446 00:20:18,091 --> 00:20:19,968 Dad, please, you gotta quit while you're ahead. 447 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,803 You got to take your money and leave, now. 448 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,389 Sorry, boy. I have to get enough to help everybody. 449 00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:26,516 But you could lose everything. Come on! 450 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,687 Homer, I think Rudyard Kipling said it best. 451 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:34,608 "If you can make one heap of all your winnings 452 00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:38,570 "and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss, and lose, 453 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,531 "and start again at your beginnings 454 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:45,285 "and never breathe a word about your loss, 455 00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:49,998 "yours is the Earth and everything that's in it. 456 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:55,003 And, which is more, you'll be a man, my son." 457 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,172 You'll be a bonehead. Come on. 458 00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,300 Put it all on 41. I've got a feeling about that number. 459 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,843 The wheel only goes to 36, sir. 460 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,929 Okay, put it all on 36. 461 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,055 I've got a feeling about that number. 462 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:08,183 Dad! No! Give me that money. 463 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,227 Come on. Stop it. Ow! 464 00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:11,645 Ow! You're hurting me! 465 00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:13,146 -Thirty-six! -No more bets. 466 00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:14,273 Oh! 467 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:17,818 Son, if this lands on 36, I'll... 468 00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:19,278 Double zero. 469 00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:23,198 Son, you saved me from losing all my money. 470 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:26,576 For the first time in my life, I'm glad I had children. 471 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:30,706 So, uh, have you figured out who gets the money? 472 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,174 Yes, Homer, I have. 473 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:48,056 (laughing) 474 00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,104 (crowd gasping) 475 00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:55,439 Come on in. 476 00:21:55,522 --> 00:21:58,442 Dignity's on me, friends. 477 00:22:03,363 --> 00:22:05,574 {\an8}♪♪ 478 00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,744 Shh! 479 00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:57,084 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.