1 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:05,755 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:18,435 -(chalk screeches) -(bell rings) 3 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,191 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:28,528 --> 00:00:30,822 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:43,418 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:47,881 (tires screech) 7 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:55,221 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:58,391 --> 00:00:59,809 (horn honks) 9 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,020 (tires screech) 10 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,356 D'oh! 11 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,817 -Aah! -(tires screech) 12 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:24,125 {\an8}Uh... Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, 13 00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:27,087 {\an8}distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate 14 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,047 {\an8}this emergency warning system. 15 00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:32,467 {\an8}In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster 16 00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:35,386 {\an8}this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield 17 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,097 {\an8}what to do. 18 00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,193 {\an8}HOMER: The joke's on them. 19 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:52,654 {\an8}If the core explodes, 20 00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:56,658 {\an8}there won't be any power to light that sign. 21 00:01:56,741 --> 00:02:00,620 And now, I would like to present the man who made this sign possible 22 00:02:00,703 --> 00:02:04,582 by dropping the last of his obstructionist legal challenges, 23 00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,209 Montgomery Burns. 24 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,255 Mr. Burns is never late. 25 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,423 Something must be terribly wrong. 26 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:16,386 {\an8}There better be. Nobody leaves Diamond Joe Quimby holding the bag. 27 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:19,681 (gasping) Must turn over. 28 00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:23,643 Got to greet dignitaries. 29 00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,312 Oh, no! Mr. Burns! We've got to get a doctor. 30 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:29,107 Absolutely not. No quack Sawbone's is 31 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:32,402 going to apply his leeches to me. 32 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:34,404 As long as there's an ounce of strength 33 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:37,407 -left in me, I-- -(body thuds) 34 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,159 Mmm. 35 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,411 Mr. Burns is suffering 36 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:44,164 from what we medical men call hypohemia. 37 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,666 In laymen's terms, it's quite simply a lack of blood. 38 00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:48,459 Damn it, doctor, I'm no idiot. I know what hypohemia is. 39 00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:50,253 What I want to know is what can we do about it? 40 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:53,423 Well, at this point, our only hope is a transfusion. 41 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:55,049 How long does it take to sterilize a needle? 42 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,634 -A few seconds. -Oh, skip it! 43 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,428 Just leave me enough to get home. 44 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:01,472 (chuckling) I'm afraid it's not that simple. 45 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,350 His blood type is double-o-negative. 46 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,644 -It's quite rare. -But I'm b-positive. 47 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,688 Damn my common gutter-blood in my veins. 48 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,815 Smithers, don't feel so bad. 49 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:14,444 After all, the kidney you donated to me 50 00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,112 really hit the spot. 51 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,782 SMITHERS: Attention all employees! 52 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:22,285 Our boss and inspiration, Mr. Burns, 53 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,996 is at death's... death's door. 54 00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:28,166 -(scoffs) -If you have type double-o-negative blood 55 00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:30,710 I implore you to report to the Bloodmobile outside. 56 00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:32,420 That is all. 57 00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:34,255 I'd give him my blood except for one thing. 58 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:35,924 -What's that? -I don't want to. 59 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:39,302 -(laughing) -I can't believe you guys. 60 00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:41,596 There's a human being out there 61 00:03:41,679 --> 00:03:44,015 with millions of dollars who needs our help, 62 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:46,100 and you don't want to cash in? 63 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:49,562 That's why you losers are stuck in this crummy dead-end job. 64 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:52,190 -You know, Homer, I am your supervisor. -Sorry, sir. 65 00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:54,234 Maggie, look. What's that? 66 00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:55,652 Lee-mur. 67 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:58,321 Lee-mur. Zebu. 68 00:03:58,404 --> 00:04:01,991 -Zeee-booo. -What are you doing, honey? 69 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,619 I'm trying to teach Maggie that nature doesn't end with the barnyard. 70 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,413 I want her to have all the advantages that I didn't have. 71 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:11,251 Lisa, we did the best we could. What's a zebu? 72 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,962 It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap. 73 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:17,632 Hump and dewlap. Hump and dewlap. 74 00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:20,260 -Marge! What's my blood type? -A-positive. 75 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:23,221 Aw, nuts! Extremely rare blood, and I don't have it. 76 00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:26,641 You know his blood type? How romantic. 77 00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:28,393 A mother knows everything about her family. 78 00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:30,395 -Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size? -4-B. 79 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,605 -How many teeth do I have? -16 permanent, eight baby. 80 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,065 -Earmuffs? -XL. 81 00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,316 -Ring? -I don't want you wearing rings. 82 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,442 It looks cheap. But three. 83 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,069 -Allergies? -Butterscotch 84 00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:39,904 -and imitation butterscotch. -And? 85 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:42,240 -Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup. -Ooh, impressive. 86 00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:44,575 How many hairs on my head? Without looking. 87 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,494 Oh, Homey, you have lots of hair. 88 00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:48,496 Why did you want to know your blood type? 89 00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:51,541 Old man Burns is gonna kick off if he doesn't get some 90 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,834 double-o-negative blood, 91 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:54,377 but nobody at the plant has it. 92 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:57,213 -Bart does. -Whoa! Yes! All right! Whoo! 93 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,132 Congratulations, boy! 94 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:01,259 You've got a date with a needle. 95 00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:03,386 Hey, wait a minute. I don't have to give blood. 96 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,762 I have rights, you know. 97 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,639 Yeah, you have the right to remain silent. 98 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,766 Bart, you have to help someone in need. 99 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:11,811 -It's the only decent thing to do. -D'oh! 100 00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:15,690 Bart, it's not like I'm asking you to give blood for free. 101 00:05:15,773 --> 00:05:19,277 That would be crazy. You're a little young to understand this, 102 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,571 but when you save a rich man's life, 103 00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,323 he showers you with riches! 104 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,908 Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion? 105 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,618 -Is it a Bible story? -Yeah probably. 106 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,662 Anyway, once upon a time, 107 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:34,292 there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw, 108 00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,794 and all the village people tried to pull it out, 109 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,464 but nobody was strong enough. 110 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:41,090 So, they got Hercules. 111 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,967 And Hercules used his mighty strength 112 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,802 and bingo! 113 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:48,139 Anyway, the moral is the lion was so happy 114 00:05:48,222 --> 00:05:51,642 he gave Hercules this big thing of riches. 115 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,436 How did a lion get rich? 116 00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,396 -It was the olden days. -Oh. 117 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,192 Hey! Let's go! 118 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:01,652 Emergency! Life or death here! 119 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:04,113 -Just a sec, man. -Whoa, Otto, man. 120 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,740 -You work here? -Oh, yeah. 121 00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:07,784 During the day, all my friends are in school, 122 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,244 so I got a job as a certified bloodletting tech dude. 123 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,913 Now, let's get this show on the road. 124 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:14,332 Okay. Let me wash up. 125 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:17,627 (humming "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath) 126 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,879 Homer, brave young Bart... 127 00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:21,756 I don't know which one to hug first. 128 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:23,591 Uh, the boy. 129 00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:25,676 -Eww. -(tires screeching) 130 00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:32,183 (humming tune) 131 00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,145 -Oop! -(bell dings) 132 00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:40,733 We're ready with the transfusion. 133 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,486 Smithers, I'm not going to make it. 134 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:46,447 I want to dictate my epitaph. 135 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:50,118 -Go ahead. -Charles Montgomery Burns... 136 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,328 -Mm-hmm. -American... 137 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,706 -Mm-hmm. -And a patriot American... 138 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,083 Patriot... 139 00:06:59,293 --> 00:07:01,003 Master of the atom... 140 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,465 Scourge of the despot. 141 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:10,596 Oh, tyrant, hear his mighty name and quake! 142 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,640 Smithers! I'm back! 143 00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:14,642 BURNS: Top of the morning to you. 144 00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:16,644 Why, look who's here. 145 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:18,938 It's... good old... you. 146 00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:20,690 Hi, Mr. Burns. 147 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,359 Oh! Hey, there, Mister... 148 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,777 Brownshoes. 149 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,904 How about that local sports team? 150 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,490 Mr. Burns-- he's okay. 151 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,200 -Jackpot! -(glass breaking) 152 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,997 Ay caramba! 153 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,291 (laughing) Well, that's game. 154 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,626 Hasta mañana, Oswaldo. 155 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,587 Smithers, I'm back in the pink-- 156 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:44,672 full of pith and vinegar. 157 00:07:44,755 --> 00:07:46,340 Just remarkable, sir. 158 00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:48,259 You know, it's funny, Smithers. 159 00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:51,637 I tried every tincture and poultice and tonic 160 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:53,723 and patent medicine there is, 161 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:57,685 and all I really needed was the blood of a young boy. 162 00:07:57,768 --> 00:08:00,855 -By the way, what was the lad's name? -Bart Simpson, sir. 163 00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:02,607 -Who? -He's the son of Homer Simpson, 164 00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:04,275 one of your stiffs in sector 7-G. 165 00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:06,819 Well, the Simpsons will be getting 166 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:09,280 a very nice surprise in the mail. 167 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:12,283 Very nice, indeed. (fiendish laugh) 168 00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:14,160 Bill, bill... 169 00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:15,620 summons, bill... 170 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:16,662 (gasps) 171 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:17,955 Wait a minute. 172 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,124 From C.M. Burns. This is it. 173 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,792 Yes, this is it! 174 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:22,877 Woo-hoo! Whoo! 175 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:25,004 Bart, Lisa, Maggie! 176 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:27,632 Let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors can see. 177 00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,050 Lisa, dim the lights. 178 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:30,885 No! turn on more lights. Do something. 179 00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,386 Yes, Dad. 180 00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:36,307 It's a little thin, but that's okay. 181 00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:37,725 It could be a check. 182 00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:39,769 Alright, there's no check. 183 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,354 Just a card, but don't panic. 184 00:08:41,437 --> 00:08:44,023 I'm sure it tells us what we're getting 185 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:45,900 and where we can pick it up. 186 00:08:45,983 --> 00:08:49,028 "Dear Bart, Thank you kindly for the blood. 187 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:52,073 Yours truly, Montgomery Burns." 188 00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:54,867 D'oh! It's just a card! 189 00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:00,748 Is that some way to show your gratitude? 190 00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:03,209 No gold, no diamonds, no jewelry... 191 00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:04,961 not even a lousy card. 192 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,963 Wait a minute. There was a card. 193 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:08,714 That's what got me so mad in the first place! 194 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,300 You don't do things like that to be rewarded. 195 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,011 You do them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand. 196 00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,722 Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much, 197 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:20,142 but you're living in a world of make-believe 198 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,311 with flowers and bells and leprechauns 199 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:24,272 and magic frogs with funny little hats. 200 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,148 -Yeah, Mom, we got hosed. -Bart! 201 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,734 We got exactly what we wanted out of this! 202 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,696 We gave an old man a second chance. 203 00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:34,574 I promised my boy one simple thing: 204 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,242 lots of riches 205 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:38,202 and that man broke my promise. 206 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,245 Well I've had it! 207 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,663 Bart, take a letter! 208 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,790 Dear Mr. Burns 209 00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:47,420 I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood 210 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:50,715 and your card was just great. 211 00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:54,302 In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. 212 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,512 You stink! 213 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,514 Could you read that last part back to me? 214 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,058 -"You stink!" -(chuckles) Good. 215 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,687 You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy 216 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:08,441 with bony girl arms, and you smell like... 217 00:10:08,524 --> 00:10:10,026 An elephant's butt? 218 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,862 (laughs) An elephant's butt. 219 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:16,032 But he's your boss. Do you have to mail it right this minute? 220 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,033 Yup. 221 00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,368 You're still angry, Homer. Why don't you sleep on it? 222 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,997 -Forget it, Marge. -Please, Homey? 223 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:24,665 For me? 224 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,337 Oh, all right. 225 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:32,173 You always do that hand thing, 226 00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:34,508 and it usually works. 227 00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:36,385 Cheap son of a... 228 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,054 (snoring) 229 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:48,397 Ooh, pancakes. 230 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,983 Ooh. 231 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,736 Homer, breakfast is ready. 232 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,613 Hmm? (gags) 233 00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,448 Marge, you saved me 234 00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,033 from making a big mistake. 235 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:01,994 You know, I finally understand the meaning of... 236 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,163 -(unintelligible) -Meaning of what? 237 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,623 Better half, Marge. Better half. 238 00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:07,792 -Oh, thank you. -Where's the letter? 239 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,585 (whistling) 240 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,302 -Where is it? -(cans clattering) 241 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:20,262 Oh... 242 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:23,432 Homer, I don't think it's in the cornstarch canister. 243 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,850 Well, it's somewhere. 244 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,936 It didn't just get up and walk away. 245 00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:29,522 -(whistling) -Bart, have you seen the letter? 246 00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:32,358 -Yep. -All right, think very carefully. 247 00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:35,528 Where did you see it last? 248 00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:38,531 -The last place I saw it-- -Uh-huh? 249 00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:41,158 -...was in my hand. -Yeah? 250 00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:42,952 As I was shoving it 251 00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:45,121 into the mailbox. 252 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:46,372 HOMER: D'oh! 253 00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,666 Why did you do that? 254 00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:52,461 Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. 255 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,548 And I know you. You're an emotional guy. 256 00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:57,466 Just because you were mad last night 257 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,176 is no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning. 258 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,096 I'll show you mad in the morning! 259 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,223 Homer, you encouraged him. 260 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:06,308 You should be strangling yourself. 261 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,478 She's right. 262 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,522 Okay, think, Homer. Don't panic. 263 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,023 They don't pick up the mail till noon. 264 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,692 -There's still time! -(gasps) 265 00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:16,277 Ow, ow. 266 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,946 Ow, ow. Ow, ow. 267 00:12:19,029 --> 00:12:20,698 Give it up, Homer. It's locked up tight. 268 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,658 Locked, eh? 269 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,119 Well, I just might have a little surprise 270 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:28,080 up my sleeve for old Mr. Lock. 271 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,583 Step aside, boy. 272 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,713 Hey! 273 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,089 I'm with you, Homer. 274 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,341 Fight the power! 275 00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:44,764 -Why the hose, Homer? -What does it look like? 276 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,682 I'll get our letter so wet, 277 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,268 the ink will run, and no one will be able to read it. 278 00:12:49,351 --> 00:12:51,020 Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there? 279 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:54,231 So a few people won't get a few letters. Boo-hoo. 280 00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,108 You know the kind of letters people write: 281 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,194 "Dear somebody you never heard of-- 282 00:12:58,277 --> 00:12:59,612 "How is so and so? 283 00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:00,946 "Blah, blah, blah. 284 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,699 Yours truly, some bozo." Big loss. 285 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,702 Now, Bart, you keep an eye out for the mailman. 286 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,038 Just give me some kinda signal. 287 00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:10,915 -Dad, the mailman's here. -That's a good one. We'll use that. 288 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,459 -No, I mean the mailman's here! -(screams) 289 00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:15,795 Dear God! Are you planning to water the mail? 290 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,339 I guess it wouldn't do any good to run, 291 00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:21,509 'cause you're a mail lady and you know my name and address and everything, huh? 292 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:25,596 -That's right. -Well, I'm still going to run! 293 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:28,307 I want the whole world to hear the story 294 00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,976 of my harrowing struggle with hypohemia. 295 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:34,188 Sir, Mr. Roman is one of the finest ghostwriters in the business. 296 00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:36,232 He's written Like Hell I Can't, 297 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:37,775 Up From the Muck, 298 00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:39,318 The Unsinkable Sadruodin Mahbaradad. 299 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:42,655 -Excellent. -All right, first question. 300 00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:45,199 Have you slept with anyone famous? 301 00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,326 Well, Countess Von Zeppelin and I... 302 00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:48,953 What in blaze! 303 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:52,206 Now you listen to me, you bargain-basement Baudelaire. 304 00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:54,083 I'm not some dizzy starlet 305 00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,043 who can't string two words together. 306 00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,795 I can write this thing myself! 307 00:13:57,878 --> 00:13:59,505 You're fired! 308 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:07,805 (imitating Mr. Burns) Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. 309 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,307 I believe you have a letter for me. 310 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:13,018 Okay, Mr. Burns, what's your first name? 311 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,062 I don't know. 312 00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:18,232 Great plan, Bart. 313 00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:19,900 Ooh, look, Maggie. 314 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,193 What is that? 315 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:25,239 Dodecahedron. Dodecahedron. 316 00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:27,741 Lisa, I don't know what you're doing 317 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:30,286 but it's very strange, and your father's trying to worry. 318 00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,872 BURNS: Chapter the fifth-- 319 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:36,792 the trip to the infirmary with most unexpected results. 320 00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:43,841 HOMER: Oops. 28 minutes till Burns comes in. 321 00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:46,260 Time for operation "Mail Take." 322 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,142 -Can I help you? -(shrieks) 323 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:54,727 Oh, don't be frightened of this. 324 00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:57,438 It's nothing but a letter opener. Who are you? 325 00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,148 Don't tell him. Give him a fake name. 326 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,774 -Homer Simpson. -D'oh! 327 00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,443 Simpson, huh? 328 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,987 Simpson, why there's a letter here from you. 329 00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,239 I'll just read it right now. 330 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,784 "Dear Mr. Burns, I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, 331 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:13,120 and your card was just great." 332 00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:17,833 Why, Simpson, you've made my day. 333 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,002 You're a true gentleman. 334 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,255 -Well, I'll be on my-- -Hello, there's more. 335 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:27,092 "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. 336 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:28,969 "You stink. 337 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,638 "You are a senile 338 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:33,599 "buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl arms, 339 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:37,478 -and you smell like an elephant's butt." -(nervous chuckle) 340 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,397 Hey! Come on, Joey, you have to twist my arm? 341 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:43,150 Homer, I don't tell you how to do your job, okay? 342 00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:47,529 I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. 343 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,991 No, revenge is a dish best served cold. 344 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,535 I'll bide my time until... 345 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,579 Oh, what the hell. 346 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,414 I'll just crush him like an ant. 347 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,880 Senile, eh? Buck-toothed, am I? 348 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:08,634 Bony arms, are they? Liver spots, did I? 349 00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:11,345 -Shameless, will you? -His pink slip awaits your signature, sir. 350 00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:13,097 Hmm-hmm-hmm. 351 00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,932 Now that's odd. 352 00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:17,309 I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, 353 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,979 and yet I feel strangely empty. 354 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,148 Tell you what, Smithers, have him beaten to a pulp. 355 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:24,483 -But, sir-- -But what? 356 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,110 Nothing, sir. 357 00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,195 I've never seen Mr. Burns this mad, 358 00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,947 and he's always kind of mad. 359 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:34,076 -(groans) -Me and my big letter-writing pen. 360 00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:36,036 Honey, what's done is done. 361 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,205 No matter what happens, we'll pull through. 362 00:16:38,288 --> 00:16:40,290 -We always do. -Okay, here's the plan. 363 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:42,710 You can move in with your sisters and raise the kids, 364 00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:45,129 and I'll die in a gutter. 365 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:47,214 It's practical and within our means. 366 00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,425 (sobs) 367 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,969 They always told me I was going to destroy the family, 368 00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,679 but I never believed it. 369 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:54,763 That's okay, Bart. 370 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,140 Nobody really believed it. 371 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:57,766 We were just trying to scare you. 372 00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,688 -You know Homer Simpson? -Yeah, nice guy. 373 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,189 Play poker with him once in awhile. 374 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,151 Mm-hmm. We, um, need him beaten up. 375 00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,694 -You got it. -Wait. 376 00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:11,822 - What is it? - Uh... nothing. 377 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,365 -Wait. -What? 378 00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:15,784 Beat, but don't kick. 379 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,870 -Hold the kicks. Got it. -Wait. 380 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:21,206 -What? -Um... 381 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,042 What did Homey do, anyway? 382 00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:27,880 (sobbing) He saved Mr. Burns's life. 383 00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,798 (thunder rumbling) 384 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,968 In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you. 385 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,928 What's that you say? 386 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,263 Me thanking you? 387 00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,348 No, it's not a misprint. 388 00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:41,518 For you see, I enjoyed writing this book 389 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,896 as much as you enjoyed reading it. 390 00:17:43,979 --> 00:17:46,398 The End. 391 00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:49,151 Ah, Smithers, how did the beating go? 392 00:17:49,234 --> 00:17:50,778 Sir, there was no beating. 393 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:53,072 What? Well that's a hell of a thing. Why? 394 00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,283 -Because I-- I called it off. -Judas! 395 00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,578 I'm sorry, sir, but I just couldn't hurt Homer Simpson. 396 00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,455 -He saved your life. -I see. 397 00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:03,123 I know you're mad at me, 398 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,958 but I think it's only fair to warn you, 399 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,919 I'm going to stand outside the gate until you forgive me. 400 00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,879 No need, Smithers. 401 00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,090 As usual, you've been the sober ying 402 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:14,051 to my raging yang. 403 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:18,055 -Put her there, old pal. -(sniffles) 404 00:18:18,138 --> 00:18:22,392 (sniffling) Sir, while I wish this handshake would never end, 405 00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:25,979 I'm afraid we still have the Simpson matter to attend to. 406 00:18:26,063 --> 00:18:27,523 We do indeed, old friend. 407 00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,442 We do, indeed. 408 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,611 MOE: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink. 409 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,196 BART: Uh, yeah. Hello, is Mike there? 410 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:35,781 Last name Rotch. 411 00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:37,157 Hold on, I'll check. 412 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,827 Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch? 413 00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,829 Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? 414 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,247 (laughing) 415 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,541 Listen to me, you little puke. 416 00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,751 One of these days I'm going to catch you, 417 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,045 and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick! 418 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,046 (laughing) 419 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,466 What's the matter, Homer? 420 00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,343 You're not your normal effervescent self. 421 00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:58,846 I've got my problems, Moe. Give me another one. 422 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,807 Homer, hey, you should not drink to forget your problems. 423 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:06,103 Yeah, you should always drink to enhance your social skills. (burping) 424 00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,230 BURNS: We'll get the Simpsons a present-- 425 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,107 an extravagant present. 426 00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:13,569 A mad, unthinkable, utterly impossible present. 427 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:17,197 A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop zabulous present. 428 00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,241 Too practical. 429 00:19:19,324 --> 00:19:22,703 Too cutesie-poo. 430 00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:27,749 -♪♪ -Too cornball. 431 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,836 A pool table? Are you mad? 432 00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:32,963 I'm not going to turn his home into a saloon. 433 00:19:33,046 --> 00:19:35,507 Eureka! We've found it. 434 00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:37,551 But, sir, it's $32,000. 435 00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:41,847 Don't you dare sully this moment with your price taggery. 436 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,140 It's perfect. 437 00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,851 Oh, woe is me. 438 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:48,770 Oh, my, it's Mr. Burns. 439 00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:50,230 (yelps) 440 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,274 Heave-ho, heave-ho. 441 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:55,819 -Heave-ho. -Wait, Dad, he's smiling. 442 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:59,281 Mr. Burns, you brought us a present. 443 00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,325 What did you think I was going to do, 444 00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:05,120 -have you beaten to a bloody pulp? -(chuckles) 445 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,872 To show there's no hard feelings, 446 00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,707 please take an advance copy of my book. 447 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:13,754 And now young fellow, I haven't forgotten you. 448 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,173 -Here. -Wow! A crowbar. 449 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:19,134 It's to open the crate, stupid. 450 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,887 What did I tell you? 451 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:24,056 I'll bet it's filled with diamonds, rubies, sapphires, pearls. 452 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,227 BART: Wow! 453 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:30,187 -A big, ugly head. -D'oh! 454 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:33,690 Actually, son, it's a big, ugly, Olmec Indian head. 455 00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:37,027 It was carved by Mesoamerican Indians over 3,000 years ago. 456 00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,946 This gruesome customer 457 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,323 is Ixtapolapoquetl-- the god of war. 458 00:20:41,406 --> 00:20:43,242 Awesome! 459 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:44,910 No, Maggie, not Aztec. 460 00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:47,579 Olmec. Olmec. 461 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:48,705 Marge, what does it do? 462 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:49,915 It doesn't do anything. 463 00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:52,084 Marge, really, what does it do? 464 00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,378 Whatever it does, it's doing it now. 465 00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:56,380 Well, I'll let you get acquainted 466 00:20:56,463 --> 00:20:58,173 with Señor Ixtapolapoquetl. 467 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,508 Ta! 468 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:00,926 Did you see their faces, Smithers? 469 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:03,720 Sir, you're my god of generosity. 470 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,390 HOMER: Save a guy's life and what do you get? 471 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,643 Nothing. Worse than nothing-- 472 00:21:09,726 --> 00:21:11,144 Just a big, scary rock. 473 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,272 Hey, man, don't badmouth the head. 474 00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,148 Homer, it's the thought that counts. 475 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,817 The moral of this story is, 476 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,069 a good deed is its own reward. 477 00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:22,239 Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool. 478 00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:25,826 Well, then I guess the moral is: no good deed goes unrewarded. 479 00:21:25,909 --> 00:21:29,162 Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter 480 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:31,748 we wouldn't have gotten anything. 481 00:21:31,832 --> 00:21:34,167 Well, then I guess the moral is: 482 00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:36,837 the squeaky wheel gets the grease. 483 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,131 Perhaps there is no moral to this story. 484 00:21:39,214 --> 00:21:40,799 Exactly. 485 00:21:40,882 --> 00:21:42,843 It's just a bunch of stuff that happened. 486 00:21:42,926 --> 00:21:45,345 But it certainly was a memorable few days. 487 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,930 HOMER: Amen to that. 488 00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:48,724 (all laughing) 489 00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,352 {\an8}♪♪ 490 00:22:53,789 --> 00:22:55,082 Shh! 491 00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:01,380 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.