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(SINGING) The Simpsons
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D'oh!
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(BRAKES SCREECHING)
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(SCREAMS)
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(ALL GRUNT)
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NARRATOR: For centuries,
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man has been ruled
by science and industry.
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But that era is
drawing to a close.
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We stand on the cusp
of a new epoch,
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one of prophecy, puzzles
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and signs in the sky.
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And that epoch begins today.
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Our top story, today
Springfield will experience
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a rare total eclipse
of the sun.
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A solar eclipse is like a woman
breastfeeding in a restaurant.
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It's free, it's beautiful, but under
no circumstances should you look at it.
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We recommend using
a homemade camera obscura
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fashioned from an ordinary
shoebox and paper towel tube.
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This was supposed to be pre-made.
Fine, I'll do it myself!
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Where's the end of
the frigging tape?
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Forget it!
We'll do it next week!
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PRODUCER:
The eclipse is today.
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There's an eclipse when
I say there's an eclipse!
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(ALL SCREAMING)
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(SCREAMS)
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(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
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Okay, people,
we've hit penumbra.
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Brace yourselves for umbra.
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I'm gonna see it first.
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No! I'm gonna see it first.
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Hit the road, you big load!
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(GRUNTS)
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MY Space toy!
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It's okay, Homie.
You can have my viewer.
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But, Mom,
you'll miss the eclipse.
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There'll be another one
in North Yemen in 2027.
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We have totality, people.
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BART, HOMER AND LISA: WOW!
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We'll be talking about this
together for years.
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BART: For years!
LISA: For years!
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HOMER: I finally feel
like part of a family.
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Oh! I can't miss out.
Just one little peek.
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(GASPS)
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It's beautiful.
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(SCREAMING)
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Now, Marge,
your eyes must stay
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completely covered
for two full weeks.
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Don't worry, honey. I'll
be your seeing-eye Homer.
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We're in some kind
of doctor room.
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Bunch of stuff
on the walls.
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It's kind of hard to describe.
I'm gonna take my break now.
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Now, Simpsons, I must warn
you, any stress could increase
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the blood pressure in Marge's
eyeballs, leading to what we call
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Tex Avery Syndrome.
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(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
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Wolves are taking
all our women.
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(BART HUMMING)
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(SNIFFS)
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You guys have treated me
like a princess.
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Every day's been like the first
10 minutes of Mother's Day.
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You just rest those rods
and coddle those cones.
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Everything's taken care of.
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Aw...
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Dad, come in
the kitchen, quick!
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Is there any other way
to enter a kitchen?
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(SQUEAKING)
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Aw... Rats in the kitchen,
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just like that delightful
movie I taped in the theater.
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(HOMER CHUCKLES)
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Ooh!
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(LAUGHS)
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He's controlling
me with my hair,
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using me to cook a delicious sole
meuniére with a celery root purée
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and carrots Vichy.
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Mmm. This is good.
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Good but not great.
I'll go get some rat poison.
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(GRUNTING)
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(TOY SQUEAKING)
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There you go. This'll kill those
dirty rats and the clean ones, too.
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(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)
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That's not candy, sweetheart.
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What is it with kids and
candy-colored poison, huh?
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(CHUCKLES)
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(FUSSING)
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(SANTA'S LITTLE
HELPER GROWLING)
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No, you stupid dog!
That's Maggie's bunny!
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Not in front of
the poison man!
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Whoever is biting me,
stop it!
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(TIRES SCREECHING)
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(HOMER GRUNTING
IN FRUSTRATION)
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(SCREAMS)
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Why did I bring the baby and
the dog to the poison store?
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Oh, how am I gonna get
us all across this river?
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(GASPS) A boat!
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We're too heavy.
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Let's see. I need to
get the baby, the dog,
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and the poison
across the river,
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but I can only take
one thing at a time.
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I can't leave the baby
alone with the poison.
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And I can't leave the dog
alone with the baby.
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Can't someone help me
with this puzzle?
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(HUMMING)
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Professor Frink,
help me figure this out!
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Yo! Over here!
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What?
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(GAGS)
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(GIBBERS)
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(MOANS)
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Great time to nap, Einstein!
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Okay. Maggie, dog, poison, you're
all involved, so listen up.
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First, I row Maggie over,
leaving the dog and the poison.
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Then I row back alone,
take the poison over
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and bring Maggie back. Then I
take the dog over, come back,
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get Maggie, row across, and before
I know it, I'm back at home.
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(EXCLAIMS)
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Were you listening at all?
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(WHINES)
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CLETUSI Sir?
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I'd be obliged to you
if you'd help me puzzle out
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my fox, duck
and corn situation.
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(DUCK QUACKING)
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Well, the puzzle done
puzzled itself out.
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Now I need to leave you
where you'll be safe,
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under the watchful
eyes of God.
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And I'll be
watching you, too,
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in case God's busy
making tornadoes
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or not existing.
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I see you!
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I see you!
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(EXCLAIMS)
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(IN IRISH ACCENT)
Look at that.
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One of God's
discarded miracles.
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(SCREAMS)
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Catholics!
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Give me my baby back!
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Sir, our mission
is quite clear.
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(MOTHER SUPERIOR READING)
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Why would you leave such a
beautiful baby on our doorstep?
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Because she was fighting my
dog and stealing my poison.
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Now give her back so I can take
her home to my rat-infested house.
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No. The poor dear is
right where she belongs.
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Come on, lady. Have a heart!
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I'm sure your husband
does stupid things sometimes.
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I'm married to Jesus!
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Yeah, right.
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And I'm married
to Wonder Woman.
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(EXCLAIMS)
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Kids, I have to tell
your mom I lost Maggie.
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But Dr. Hibbert said
not to stress her out.
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Wait! I have an idea.
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One of us can go undercover as a
nun and infiltrate the convent.
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Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!
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There is no way
Homer Simpson's
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gonna put on a dress
and act like a nun.
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Told you there was
no way I would do it.
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Are you sure you don't want me to do it?
Because I can do it!
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I got the outfit right here.
Huh?
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Dad, leave, so I can
get into character.
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(MURMURS ANGRILY)
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Mmm-hmm.
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Hello. I'm a poor little
sinner who's lost her way.
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May I join your order?
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How do you feel
aboutkneefing?
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Can't get enough.
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You're in.
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Finally, you must wear your
habit modestly at all times,
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not like Sister Marilyn.
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Ooh!
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(GASPS) The nursery!
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(SINGING) If you're happy
and you know it That's a sin
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If you're happy and you
know it That's a sin
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Where's Maggie?
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Mother Superior, are those all
the babies in our orphanage?
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Looking for more
unwanted babies, are you?
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Well, next week's nine months
after the prom.
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They'll be stacked up
to the ceiling.
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No. I was just thinking you
might have some in the back
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you haven't put out yet.
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Oh, a doubting Thomas,
are you?
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Well, more of
a Curious George.
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Well, little monkey,
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it's time for you
to spend some time
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with the Man in
the Yellow Hat.
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Why would Mother Superior lie
to me about not having Maggie?
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What is going on?
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(GASPS)
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A jewel.
Why would nuns want a jewel?
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Find the jewel,
find what you desire.
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The jewel will lead me to my baby sister?
Why are you telling me this?
190
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:02,709
Because I'm sick of
that Mother Superior.
191
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Whenever we play football,
she has to be quarterback.
192
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:16,305
Now you must solve
a series of clues.
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00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:19,892
You mean an increasingly difficult
series of challenges to my intellect?
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That's so cool.
195
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Plus, you find your sister.
Oh, sure.
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Your first clue.
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And before you decide to
become a nun, consider this.
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I am only 23.
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(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
200
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Hmm.
201
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:40,872
(READING IN LATIN)
202
00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:44,709
That's Latin. "Deum" is God. And
of course "quaerite" means seek.
203
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"Seek God with
heart and soul."
204
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Heart and Soul!
205
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:55,970
(PLAYING HEART AND SOUL)
206
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(SINGING) I fell in love
with you Heart and soul
207
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,983
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)
208
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:28,503
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)
209
00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:43,810
Homie, I haven't held Maggie all day.
Can you hand her to me?
210
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,395
No problem, sweetie.
211
00:10:48,105 --> 00:10:51,943
Ooh! Mommy's little baby
is getting big and chubby.
212
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,278
Who's a chubby baby?
213
00:10:55,404 --> 00:10:58,616
But that doesn't mean that you
can't have a little dinner.
214
00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:02,870
Hmm. You're not
usually this greedy.
215
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,916
(IN LOW VOICE) Cool it.
She's getting suspicious.
216
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,626
(IN ROUGH VOICE) You cool it!
I'm hungry!
217
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:20,179
Cryptic message. Maybe this
will lead me to the gem.
218
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:23,224
Hmm. What if I read
every other word?
219
00:11:23,432 --> 00:11:28,896
(READING)
220
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:31,023
That's not very nice.
I will try again
221
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,317
but not because
the wall told me to.
222
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:38,364
(READING)
223
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:39,574
(GASPS)
224
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,243
Big ring.
225
00:11:42,326 --> 00:11:43,578
Big ring.
226
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:52,587
So many rings.
227
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,381
But which one is the key
to finding the gem?
228
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,848
Well, did you get it?
229
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:07,810
No. I'm not a smart nerd.
I'm just a weak nerd.
230
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:11,022
The biggest ring
in Springfield
231
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:14,150
comes from the bell in the
Springfield bell tower!
232
00:12:14,775 --> 00:12:15,776
Oh.
233
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,321
Oh!
234
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:24,994
Good night, Bart.
235
00:12:25,369 --> 00:12:27,288
I'll be right in, Lisa!
236
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,087
(GRUNTS)
237
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:39,967
Good night, Lisa.
238
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,345
Good night.
239
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:44,722
(PLAYING POORLY)
240
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,140
Ooh! Jazz.
241
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,853
Keep going and I'll scat.
242
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,521
(SCATTING)
243
00:13:02,531 --> 00:13:03,532
(EXCLAIMS)
244
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,118
Principal Skinner?
Comic Book Guy?
245
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:07,453
What are you doing here?
246
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:10,289
Following you.
We seek the gem of St. Teresa.
247
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:13,751
Oh. Well, I seek it so
I can find my sister.
248
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,419
How do you know
about the gem?
249
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:17,922
We are an ancient order
of mystery buffs
250
00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:22,593
who hide in shadow and call
ourselves The Brethren of the Quest.
251
00:13:22,718 --> 00:13:25,429
Because we do our sleuthing in
Mother's Nissan Quest minivan.
252
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,847
Tell me all you know
about the gem.
253
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:27,974
Never!
254
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,559
Does your mother know
you're using her minivan?
255
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,813
You see, legend has it that on
her deathbed, St. Teresa of Avila
256
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:37,817
had a vision of a jewel that would
usher in an era of peace and harmony.
257
00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:41,112
She dispatched a team
of nuns to the New World
258
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:43,239
to seek this fabulous gem.
259
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,128
They landed at what
is now Philadelphia,
260
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,379
(HONKING NOSE)
261
00:13:58,462 --> 00:14:01,799
and used the timbers of their
ship to construct a convent.
262
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,933
The order flourished, never
forgetting its sacred mission.
263
00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:13,352
But word about
the gem got out,
264
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:17,815
and a group of high-ranking
Freemasons led by Benjamin Franklin,
265
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,900
George Washington,
and King George III
266
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,361
staged a phony war
of independence
267
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,655
to cover their search
for the gem.
268
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,241
(EXCLAIMS)
269
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,412
(BOTH LAUGHING)
270
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,539
(BOTH GROWLING ANGRILY)
271
00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,207
(BOTH LAUGHING)
272
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:39,045
Fleeing the violence, the nuns of St.
Teresa's left the colonies
273
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,546
and settled here
in Springfield.
274
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,883
Legend and Wikipedia have it
275
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:45,259
that the gem
will be revealed
276
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:48,262
during the first full moon
after a solar eclipse.
277
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:49,555
That's tonight!
278
00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:50,765
(EXCLAIMS MOCKINGLY)
279
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:52,641
One question remains.
280
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,727
Why did you come here?
281
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,896
Because I cleverly
deduced the answer
282
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:59,315
to Springfield's
biggest ring.
283
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,608
(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH)
284
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:05,696
Well, it gives me no pleasure to
say your deduction was faulty!
285
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:10,993
This is a fake,
papier-méché bell.
286
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,579
The real bell was melted
down in World War ll
287
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:15,414
to make Civil War chess sets,
288
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:17,208
four of which I own.
289
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:18,959
Oh, my God!
290
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:22,004
I know what the biggest ring
in Springfield is!
291
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,715
It's been right in front
of us the whole time.
292
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,842
Ah. Ah, yes. I see it.
293
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,804
I see it, too.
Let's head that way.
294
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:33,099
We'll walk or drive
to the obvious solution.
295
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,397
Oh, the word "ring"!
296
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,482
(LISA AND JEFF SNICKER)
297
00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:45,694
(DOGS PANTING)
298
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:51,867
Well, well, if it isn't the
Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.
299
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,453
Mr. Burns?
What are you doing here?
300
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,789
I've known about
the gem for years.
301
00:15:56,872 --> 00:16:00,584
You see, my dear girl, I joined the
Freemasons before it was trendy.
302
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:04,171
That's my eyeball on the dollar bill.
That's also my pyramid.
303
00:16:04,255 --> 00:16:05,965
Hence, I trailed you
on your quest,
304
00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,217
accompanied by my
faithful albino.
305
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:10,970
I keep telling you,
I'm not an albino!
306
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:12,721
I just use a lot
of sun block.
307
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:16,308
Then why do I give you all the
albino holidays off? Hmm?Hmm?
308
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,727
Look! There's writing
on the
309
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,813
Everything is writing
to you young people.
310
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:22,857
From this angle
they're words.
311
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:29,572
(LISA READING)
312
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,615
Great crimes kill holy sage?
313
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:34,827
The puzzle is solved. We must
warn the holy sage at once!
314
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,328
No! That's not it.
315
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:40,249
A secret message this awkwardly
worded is always an anagram.
316
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:43,252
Fine. Then you unscramble
those letters
317
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,004
to spell out
the location of the gem
318
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:48,174
while you two dig
your own graves.
319
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:52,553
(GRUNTS)
320
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:55,055
Superman, I have
believed in you for years.
321
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:59,268
If you can hear me now, please
come help me dig this giant grave.
322
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,277
So the anagram spells...
323
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:13,657
(LISA READING)
324
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:17,036
So the gem is inside you?
325
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,206
Sir, stop. She is the gem.
326
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:21,582
(GASPS) Of course.
327
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,876
St. Teresa wouldn't be
interested in a mere bauble.
328
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,420
Her greatest treasure
would be a pure young girl.
329
00:17:26,503 --> 00:17:28,255
You are pure, aren't you?
330
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:29,715
Does kissing Milhouse count? No.
331
00:17:29,798 --> 00:17:31,133
No.
332
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:35,387
It all adds up. lam the gem
that will bring world peace.
333
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,015
How brilliant of God
to remove my skepticism
334
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:40,184
by making me
his chosen one!
335
00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:44,146
According to legend, the gem must be
brought to the convent by sunrise.
336
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,441
We could make it if we took
Mr. Burns' helicopter.
337
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:49,735
Hmm. I don't really
want you people inside.
338
00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:51,487
But you could dangle
from the skids.
339
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:52,613
Deal.
340
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,324
It feels good to help
someone, doesn't it, sir?
341
00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:57,785
No. It feels weird.
342
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:00,996
(JEFF GRUNTS)
343
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,832
(ALL SINGING O FORTUNA)
344
00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,795
Look who's here!
345
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,007
(ALL CONTINUE SINGING)
346
00:18:14,969 --> 00:18:17,846
Fine, fine. Finish your song.
I can be patient.
347
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,349
After all,
lam the Gem Child.
348
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:21,934
Hush, you foolish girl!
349
00:18:22,017 --> 00:18:23,811
The gem is over there.
350
00:18:26,021 --> 00:18:28,607
Maggie? No, no, no.
The solution was,
351
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,110
"Regally,
the rock gem is Lisa."
352
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:35,281
Oh, please. How many sentences
start with the word "regally"?
353
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:36,949
This one.
354
00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:38,534
Oh, give me that!
355
00:18:42,329 --> 00:18:45,457
LISA: "It's really
Maggie, Sherlock."
356
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,626
You know, I have to point out
that this only makes sense,
357
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,712
if I get
the wrong answer first.
358
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,297
I said hush!
359
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:58,971
Now begins a new era of peace
and prosperity for Springfield.
360
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:04,059
(ALL GASP)
361
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,656
Come on, man! That's the fifth
call you've missed today!
362
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,491
That's it! You're out of...
363
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:26,081
Just set it to massage.
364
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:29,251
(EXCLAIMS IN PLEASURE)
365
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:31,962
Something tells me
the Gem of St. Teresa
366
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,922
has been returned
to its throne.
367
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,008
(GASPS)
368
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:40,346
Maggie, it's true!
You are the Gem Child!
369
00:19:40,471 --> 00:19:44,516
Four centuries of pafientsacflfice
has finally paid off.
370
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,852
All is peace and harmony.
371
00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:48,979
Give me my baby back!
372
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:51,482
Mom, how did you know
Maggie was here?
373
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,233
A mother knows!
374
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,777
(MARGE MURMURS WORRIEDLY)
375
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,697
Maggie, you're coming
home with me.
376
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:01,408
Mom, wait!
Maggie is the Gem Child!
377
00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:03,327
She's brought peace
to our town
378
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:05,954
and reports of less road
rage in Shelbyville.
379
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,873
She has to stay here.
380
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:13,295
Well, it would be nice if the first
thing I saw was a world at peace.
381
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:19,468
(GURGLES)
382
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:23,222
You're even more beautiful
than I remembered.
383
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,306
I'm sorry.
384
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,475
But I know God
would never ask
385
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:28,644
a mother to sacrifice
her child
386
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,813
for the good of the world
387
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:32,356
again.
388
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,401
(MARGE MURMURS WORRIEDLY)
389
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:38,320
Maybe I'm just being selfish.
I don't know.
390
00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:41,532
No, Marge. You're the most
giving person I know.
391
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,410
Besides, I gave them
another Gem Child
392
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:46,495
to sit on their
precious throne.
393
00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:49,832
Step aside, ladies.
I'm bringing the peace.
394
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:53,460
(ALL GASP)
395
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:57,923
(ALL SCREAMING)
396
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,098
(CHUCKLES) I am so
staying up past my bedtime.
397
00:21:59,401 --> 00:22:00,402
English - US - PSDH