1 00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:03,461 (eerie music plays) 2 00:00:03,545 --> 00:00:06,089 CHORUS SINGS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 3 00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:07,007 (tires screeching) 4 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:09,384 D'oh! 5 00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:10,844 (tires screeching) 6 00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,220 (grunts) 7 00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:18,560 ♪♪ 8 00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:19,644 (gunshot) 9 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,568 (all breathing heavily) 10 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,863 (annoyed grunt) 11 00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:37,328 ♪♪ 12 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:42,542 (humming tune) 13 00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:52,844 Ach, that stump is really eating into my tractor budget. 14 00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:58,016 I'll have to use me explosives. 15 00:00:58,099 --> 00:00:59,851 Explosives? Great. 16 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:02,771 If we put charges on the load-bearing walls, 17 00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:03,980 we can blow up detention hall 18 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,357 while leaving the art room unharmed. 19 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:07,984 -Hmm? -Hey, I like art, okay? 20 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,653 I'm blowing up the stump, not the school. 21 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,655 {\an8}Right, right. 22 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,115 {\an8}You never saw that. 23 00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:16,910 (chuckling) 24 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:24,876 Sweeeet! 25 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:26,503 {\an8}Well done, boy. 26 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:28,338 {\an8}Wait, here comes the "mykeeyah." 27 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:29,547 {\an8}What's a mykeeyah? 28 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,009 My Kia! 29 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,178 {\an8}(both laughing) 30 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,972 {\an8}I'm laughing to fit in, but I still don't get it. 31 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,392 {\an8}Miss Hoover, what's our lesson today? 32 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,311 {\an8}Is it school? 33 00:01:46,856 --> 00:01:48,983 {\an8}Oh, I don't know. Let's see. 34 00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:52,320 {\an8}Family trees. 35 00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:55,198 Who here knows what a family tree is? 36 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,741 {\an8}Oh, family trees-- 37 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:59,369 {\an8}the charts representing genealogical relationships 38 00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:01,454 {\an8}in a branching structure. 39 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:02,872 Very good, Lisa. 40 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,624 {\an8}Class, your assignment over the weekend will be 41 00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:06,417 {\an8}to make your own family tree, 42 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:10,004 {\an8}emphasizing any notable or distinguished ancestors. 43 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,423 {\an8}I can't wait to see what noble branches lie 44 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,884 {\an8}in the Simpson family foliage. 45 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,136 {\an8}(exclaims) 46 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:19,514 {\an8}No, this can't be right. 47 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:22,225 {\an8}Yech, they're all horrible. 48 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:25,436 Yeah, the Simpson family is a long line of horse thieves, 49 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,107 deadbeats, horse beats, dead thieves, and even a few... 50 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,693 {\an8}(whispering): ...alcoholics. 51 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:33,695 {\an8}There must have been some good ancestors. 52 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:36,281 {\an8}Grampa, don't you know any? 53 00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:37,407 {\an8}Not a one. 54 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:39,951 {\an8}Maybe the nicest was Abigail Simpson, 55 00:02:40,034 --> 00:02:42,328 {\an8}who you know as the Pittsburgh Poisoner. 56 00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,413 {\an8}Listen, Lisa, you're gonna find 57 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,747 {\an8}more than you bargained for. 58 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:47,917 {\an8}If I were you, I wouldn't dig into the past. 59 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:51,588 {\an8}I lived in some of that past, and I got out for a reason. 60 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,715 {\an8}I won't give up. I have to know that somewhere 61 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:56,217 {\an8}in the muck and the mire and the Pittsburgh Poisoners, 62 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:58,011 {\an8}this family had a noble spark, 63 00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:01,389 {\an8}and I will find it, even if I have to go back to Adam and Eve. 64 00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:02,557 {\an8}Oh, you mean 65 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:03,850 {\an8}Adam and Eve Simpson, 66 00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:07,854 {\an8}or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. 67 00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:09,480 {\an8}(groans) 68 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,399 {\an8}(grunting) 69 00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:13,568 {\an8}Ooh! Whoa! 70 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,741 {\an8}Well, are you gonna help me or what? 71 00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:21,492 (slurps) 72 00:03:24,829 --> 00:03:27,081 {\an8}(cracking) 73 00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:36,674 Thank you. 74 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,176 So, what are you looking for? 75 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,845 Family records for a school project on genealogical... 76 00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:42,972 Hey, that's great. 77 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:50,063 ♪♪ 78 00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,947 Hmm. Dad's idea pad. 79 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,574 {\an8}Bicentennial issue of Reader's Digest. 80 00:04:01,658 --> 00:04:03,826 {\an8}Old ad for Buzz Cola. 81 00:04:05,161 --> 00:04:06,162 (gasps) 82 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,456 So dusty. 83 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:17,257 The "Diary of Eliza Simpson"? 84 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:20,093 {\an8}This entry is dated April 14, 1860. 85 00:04:20,176 --> 00:04:22,011 {\an8}I warn you: I don't know what's in there, 86 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,056 {\an8}but if it's about a Simpson, you ain't gonna be proud. 87 00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:28,893 Our ancestors were kicked out of Australia. 88 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,144 Oh, stop. 89 00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:32,397 It's the journal of a sweet little girl. 90 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:33,439 Keep reading, honey. 91 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,565 "Dearest diary, 92 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,151 today I am the happiest girl in Springfield..." 93 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,028 See, all good. 94 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,823 "...because tomorrow I shall get my very first slave." 95 00:04:41,906 --> 00:04:43,032 (all gasp) 96 00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:49,580 I can't believe we're descended from slave owners. 97 00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:50,832 Me neither. 98 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,709 For once, the Simpsons were in management. 99 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:53,793 Homer. 100 00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:56,879 Oh, read a little more, honey. 101 00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:00,174 "Saturday, April 14, 1860. 102 00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:02,010 {\an8}Dear Diary, I must be brief, 103 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,137 {\an8}for tonight is the grand ball 104 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,180 {\an8}at Colonel Burns's plantation." 105 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,099 I shall dress myself in finery, 106 00:05:08,182 --> 00:05:09,892 like a well-to-do Southern belle. 107 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:11,019 What's for dinner? 108 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,647 -Possum. -Oh, can't we have opossum? 109 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,441 Not on your salary. 110 00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:19,527 I can't believe I buttoned my britches for this. 111 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,988 In my elegant gown, no one will suspect 112 00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:23,990 that I'm actually on a mission to help 113 00:05:24,073 --> 00:05:27,201 my very first slave escape to freedom. 114 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,120 Yes! She wasn't a slave owner. 115 00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:32,707 Our family was on the Underground Railroad. 116 00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:35,043 We ran a subway station? 117 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,544 No, the Underground Railroad 118 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:39,047 was a bunch of people who helped slaves escape to Canada. 119 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,466 There were no actual trains and it wasn't under ground. 120 00:05:41,549 --> 00:05:44,469 Then they should've called it the Aboveground Normal-Road. 121 00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:45,470 -Good point, Bart. -Absolutely right. 122 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:47,555 -Hadn't thought of that before. -Very good, Bart. 123 00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,724 That's a great story, Lisa! 124 00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:51,809 And you should stop reading right there. 125 00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:52,727 (gasps) 126 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:54,729 Wh-What are you doing? 127 00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,314 I want to know what happens next. 128 00:05:56,397 --> 00:05:57,565 Well, I don't. 129 00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:59,400 The motto of the Simpsons is: 130 00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,235 "Quit while you're ahead." 131 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,029 I made it into a sampler. 132 00:06:04,655 --> 00:06:06,032 It's like when your father and I left 133 00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:09,160 the movie Carrie right after she was crowned prom queen. 134 00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:11,704 She was so happy. 135 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,499 She'd had a lot of problems, but they were all behind her. 136 00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:15,541 But, but, but-but-but... 137 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:16,626 Time for bed, sweetie. 138 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,002 (grunts in protest) 139 00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:22,590 ELIZA: Lisa. Lisa, it's me. 140 00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:24,675 Eliza, the one good Simpson. 141 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:27,512 I've got so much more to tell you. 142 00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:33,518 I must know. 143 00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,398 (panting) 144 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,151 (humming) 145 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,241 You still reading that thing? 146 00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:51,702 I'm warning you: When something goes into that vent, 147 00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:53,621 it shouldn't come out... 148 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:55,039 ever. 149 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:57,417 Well, I am reading it, and when I'm finished, 150 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:58,584 I'm gonna use Eliza's diary 151 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,753 for my "Black History Month" presentation. 152 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,004 Ooh, good idea. 153 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,590 Bart, what are you doing for Black History Month? 154 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:07,260 I got an idea: You can march to Selma, 155 00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:08,428 and tell her she's ugly! 156 00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:09,470 (laughs) 157 00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,097 (gags) 158 00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:15,101 Listen. "April 20, 1860. 159 00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:17,687 A week ago, I had no idea what the future would bring, 160 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,606 which, I guess, is always true of everyone all the time. 161 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,275 Anyway, last Saturday night, 162 00:07:22,358 --> 00:07:24,193 I went to Colonel Burns's ball." 163 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,825 ("Blue Danube Waltz" playing) 164 00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:37,832 I don't like this new Viennese dance craze, "the waltz." 165 00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:39,333 One, two, three, one, two, three... 166 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:42,253 Where's the "four"? All music needs a four! 167 00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:45,339 I'll have the orchestra adjust its time signature, sir. 168 00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,008 See that you do. 169 00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:48,634 ♪♪ 170 00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,344 (whispering) 171 00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:54,974 (music switches to four-four time) 172 00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,519 (all clamoring) 173 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,646 ELIZA: In the confusion, I slipped out of the ball 174 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:02,857 and made my way to the stables, 175 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:06,360 where I was to meet Mr. Burns's slave, Virgil. 176 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:10,448 But when I got to the stables, he was nowhere to be seen. 177 00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:11,532 Virgil? 178 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:13,868 Virgil, let's go. 179 00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,328 (screeching) 180 00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:16,537 (screaming) 181 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:17,622 (grunts) 182 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,335 You look like you could use a little help. 183 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,670 Actually, I'm here to help you. 184 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,340 -Follow me north to freedom. -I don't think so. 185 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,383 Why? Because I'm young and I'm a woman? 186 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,052 No, because you're pointing south. 187 00:08:31,135 --> 00:08:32,762 (sheepish chuckle) 188 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,931 Oh, right, right. Sorry. 189 00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:36,307 It's my first time. 190 00:08:36,390 --> 00:08:38,893 That's all right. It's my 14th. 191 00:08:38,976 --> 00:08:41,020 As we made our way northward, 192 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:42,980 a couple of patrollers spotted us. 193 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,982 Well, well, well. 194 00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:46,859 Where do you think you're going? 195 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,319 -(gasps) -(gasps) Run! 196 00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:50,112 -After them! -Obviously. 197 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,156 Well, you didn't say it. 198 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,866 (horses neighing) 199 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,868 Hearts pounding, we fled into the woods, 200 00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,246 but their horses were fast. 201 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,541 (horses neighing) 202 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:09,090 ♪♪ 203 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,096 Escape seemed impossible. 204 00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:16,847 (neighing) 205 00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,057 (crumbling) 206 00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:20,017 MARGE: What happened next? 207 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,812 Uh, bu... That's all there is. 208 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,981 The rest of the diary has turned to dust. 209 00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,607 (sniffs, sneezes) 210 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,818 (snapping) 211 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:32,738 Oh! I'll never know if Eliza got Virgil safely to freedom. 212 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,365 Cheer up, sweetie. 213 00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:36,993 Maybe we can find the answer in the library. 214 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:39,203 To the reference desk! 215 00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,123 The library? 216 00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,417 Bart, can you believe we're married to those nerds? 217 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,586 (both laugh) 218 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:47,420 LIBRARIAN: There are no books 219 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:50,840 about an Eliza Simpson, but I did find this. 220 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,133 MARGE: Ooh, a cookbook. 221 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:53,342 (Marge gasps) 222 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,845 That's Eliza's mother! 223 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:58,097 Martha, you are the best! 224 00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:02,435 {\an8}MARGE: "Pork Butt In Cream," "Snout-Fried Neck" 225 00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:05,021 {\an8}"Frog-Haunch," "Hooves Au Jus," 226 00:10:05,104 --> 00:10:06,689 {\an8}"Possum Pouch Pie..." 227 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:09,233 Please don't make those recipes. 228 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,027 This one doesn't sound roadkill-y. 229 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:13,070 And it comes with a story. 230 00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:15,698 "Many years ago, my daughter, Eliza, 231 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:19,035 brought a runaway slave, Virgil, to the house." 232 00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:21,996 (gasps) They made it back to the house? How? 233 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:26,584 MARGE: The patrollers were too fast for Eliza and Virgil. 234 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:31,505 (owl hooting) 235 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:36,135 Luckily, they chanced upon a traveling circus... 236 00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:42,183 ...where they were helped by a crusty, old clown. 237 00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:45,186 A little schmutz, a little schmear, and presto! 238 00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,980 You're part of the under-clown railroad. 239 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,024 So, you got any talent? 240 00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:53,152 Well, I am a bit musical. 241 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,988 ♪ The sun shines bright ♪ 242 00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:59,992 ♪ On my old Kentucky home. ♪ 243 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:03,079 Rule number one: never be better than me. 244 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:04,747 And I'm pretty bad. 245 00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:11,879 Nothing to see here-- 246 00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:15,174 just a couple of clowns, and the world's youngest bearded lady. 247 00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,051 That I is. 248 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,135 -(spits) -(dings) 249 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:22,640 Look at her any longer, you're gonna have to pay a nickel. 250 00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:25,017 Why do I always ask for a nickel? 251 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,520 That's like 20 bucks in 2010 money. 252 00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,774 Wait! All that was in the recipe? 253 00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:34,151 It was a footnote. See? 254 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:38,072 "Anyway, I was very proud of Eliza, but my husband Hiram 255 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:39,907 had not quite caught abolition fever." 256 00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,992 Uh-uh, no way. 257 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:44,120 He'll get me in trouble. 258 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,996 Maybe you'll change your mind about me 259 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:49,041 after you try some of my wheel cakes. 260 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,334 Wheel cakes? 261 00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,837 They're just honey-sweetened batter... 262 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:53,921 Go on. 263 00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:55,840 ...deep-fried in hog lard. 264 00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:57,216 Lard, you say. 265 00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,885 Then dusted with powdered sugar. 266 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:01,846 (muffled): You can stay. 267 00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:03,222 You swear you'll help him? 268 00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:05,057 (gulps) 269 00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,727 I give you my word as a Southern gentleman. 270 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,603 Whoo! (gulps) 271 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,816 So they did the right thing. 272 00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:15,151 My quest is fulfilled. 273 00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:17,862 Our family has heroes! 274 00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:18,821 Shh. 275 00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,865 (softly): Our family has heroes. 276 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,324 (quiet chuckle) 277 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,917 Martin Luther King had a dream. 278 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,878 Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story 279 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:36,130 had a party and I went there. 280 00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:38,549 Yay. My turn is over. 281 00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:39,842 One of your best, Ralph. 282 00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:41,969 Next up, we have Simpson, L. 283 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:45,097 My Black History Month presentation is called 284 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:48,058 "The Simpsons: The First Family of Freedom." 285 00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,061 No, no, no, not now! Quit, quit! 286 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:54,523 No, don't quit the program, just the update, you stupid... 287 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,484 (awkward chuckle) 288 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,277 Computers, right? 289 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,322 Our story begins with a spunky little spitfire 290 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:03,240 named Eliza Simpson. 291 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,576 The year was 1860, and the Underground Railroad was... 292 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,828 ("The Battle Hymn of the Republic" playing) 293 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,246 ...though Hiram, Mabel, and Eliza 294 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,874 are no longer among us, their truth goes marching on. 295 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:13,751 -(applause) -Thank you. 296 00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,713 -(applause stops) -(one person clapping slowly) 297 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,218 Bravo, Lisa. 298 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:27,765 Very entertaining, but then again, fairy tales always are. 299 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,058 (all gasping) 300 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:30,976 What are you talking about? 301 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:34,271 I hold in my hand another diary. 302 00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,149 That of my great-great-great... 303 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,943 (takes hit from inhaler) 304 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:42,571 ...great-great grandfafa, Milford van Houten. 305 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,906 (audience murmurs) 306 00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:46,575 {\an8}"April 22nd, 1860..." 307 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,371 {\an8}(strong Southern accent): I was reclining beneath a sarsaparilla tree, 308 00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:51,956 reading about one 309 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:55,042 of Mr. Thomas Jefferson's marvelous inventions. 310 00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:57,837 when suddenly I heard quite a commotion 311 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,463 coming from the Simpson residence. 312 00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:00,381 BURNS: You're lying! 313 00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:03,050 HOMER: Leave me alone! I have shares to crop. 314 00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:06,220 That's one of Virgil's sugar-sprinkled cake rings. 315 00:14:06,303 --> 00:14:08,514 Now, where is he? 316 00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:11,392 I don't have to answer to some weak old man 317 00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:12,810 with a walking stick. 318 00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,645 Ahh! A beating stick! 319 00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:15,855 Brigand. 320 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:16,814 -(screams) -Dastard. 321 00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,065 Renegade. 322 00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:19,733 Mooncalf. 323 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:23,362 I can't tell you where he is-- I swore an oath. 324 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:25,197 I see. 325 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:29,034 You know, Simpson, every man has his price. 326 00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:33,247 No one is better at determining said price than yours truly. 327 00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:35,249 -Hmm. -(mumbling) 328 00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:36,584 -Hmm. -(grunts) 329 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,043 Hmm. 330 00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:39,503 -(hollow knocking) -(grunts) 331 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:41,922 (gnawing) 332 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,258 I would say your price is... 333 00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,510 a pleasant surprise. 334 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,846 That's exactly my price. 335 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:50,222 Your man Virgil is... 336 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,390 in... 337 00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:52,433 Father, no! 338 00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:54,018 Eliza, hold your tongue! 339 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,395 Don't worry, I'll handle this one. 340 00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:59,148 Young lady, in this day and age, 341 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,358 women only express their opinions in diaries 342 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,944 to be found long after they're gone. 343 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,946 From the day you were born, you were brought up 344 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:08,365 to crave the approval of a man. 345 00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:11,076 And I know you really want to be a good girl, 346 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:14,413 and good girls are seen and not heard. 347 00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:16,916 (stifled protest) 348 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,293 Yes, sir. 349 00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:20,878 That-a-girl. 350 00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:23,923 Now, where's my man? 351 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:24,924 In the turnip shed. 352 00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,008 Now, what's my surprise? 353 00:15:26,091 --> 00:15:28,802 Your surprise is a new pair of shoes. 354 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:32,139 Oh, my God, that surprise is so pleasant. 355 00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:36,226 (sobbing) 356 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:37,978 MILFORD (with Southern accent): After that fateful day, 357 00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:42,816 (normal voice): "I could never even look at Eliza again." 358 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,401 It didn't help that the next day, 359 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,654 he drank bad well water and went blind. 360 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:47,988 No! You lie! 361 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:50,741 Eliza Simpson can't be a coward. 362 00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:53,285 (voice breaking): She's the only decent ancestor I have. 363 00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:56,038 Ach. Take it outside, lassie. 364 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,040 We've still got three "Jackie Robinsons" 365 00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,834 and a "Tuskegee Airmen" to go. 366 00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,378 -(crying) -And so many Obamas. 367 00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:03,921 -(all impersonating Obama) -Yes, we can. 368 00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:06,131 -Audacity of hope. -Let me be clear. 369 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:13,055 As I told you, we don't have any books 370 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:15,099 pertaining to Eliza Simpson. 371 00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:17,184 But I need to prove that my ancestor 372 00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,395 couldn't have backed down to Colonel Burns. 373 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:20,688 Colonel Burns? 374 00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:22,982 Why, I haven't heard my father's name in years. 375 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,275 (sobbing) 376 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,987 You know, you could try our film vault. 377 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,029 Huh? 378 00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:31,031 We have a film vault? 379 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,325 It's where we hooked up during the Christmas party. 380 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,660 Oh. 381 00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,458 INTERVIEWER (on film): So, Miss Eliza, I understand 382 00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:42,751 you just turned 100. 383 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,295 It's been quite a life. 384 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,505 Any regrets? 385 00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:47,756 Just one. 386 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,801 When I was a girl, I witnessed a grave injustice, 387 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,344 but I held my tongue. 388 00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,264 That pat on my head from a wicked man 389 00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,516 has haunted me to this day. 390 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:01,979 (sobbing) 391 00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:05,024 There's no noble Simpson. 392 00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:08,277 Oh, you were right, Dad. 393 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,279 I should have quit while I was ahead 394 00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,822 instead of learning the horrible truth 395 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,323 about our family and Virgil. 396 00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,287 Aw, don't cry, meat pie. 397 00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:21,123 Things worked out pretty well for Virgil in the end. 398 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,791 What are you talking about? 399 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,126 Is there something you know about Virgil 400 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:25,794 that you haven't told us? 401 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:27,880 I'll take that secret to my grave-- 402 00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:30,841 or urn, or medical school dissecting table, 403 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:31,925 or wherever you're dumping me. 404 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,802 Listen, Wrinkles, 405 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,387 if you know something that'll cheer up my little girl, 406 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:37,056 you'd better spill it. 407 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,684 Or I can make things very uncomfortable for you. 408 00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:42,770 That enough? 409 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,897 Ah! Okay, I'll talk. 410 00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:48,025 D-day is June 6th. Repeat: June 6th. 411 00:17:48,108 --> 00:17:50,694 Allied forces will land on the beaches of Normandy 412 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,697 in the following order-- Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno. 413 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,407 Are you writing this down, Fritz? 414 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:56,742 About Virgil. 415 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:57,993 Oh, right. 416 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:01,288 Well, Lisa, Mabel knew her husband well, 417 00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:04,917 so she had cooked up a little payback pie. 418 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:06,835 (gasps) 419 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,921 Get off my property, Colonel Burns. 420 00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:11,090 And if I ever see you in these parts again... 421 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,257 (shotgun cocking) 422 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,134 ...you're gonna be a Memphis belle. 423 00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:18,764 Very well. You may have won this round, 424 00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:20,933 but someday my history will be told 425 00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:23,811 by my descendants Ken and Ric Burns. 426 00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:27,898 I knew you'd break your promise. 427 00:18:27,981 --> 00:18:29,900 Now I'm taking Virgil to freedom. 428 00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:32,528 You defied your husband for me? 429 00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:34,530 Man, this is the '60s. 430 00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:36,281 Now let's take you to a place 431 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:39,785 where a black man can blend in-- Canada. 432 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,746 GRAMPA: So, with those words, 433 00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:45,124 Mabel and Virgil headed north, 434 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,793 but their journey was fraught with peril. 435 00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,044 (gasps) 436 00:18:50,337 --> 00:18:51,797 Hmm... 437 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,095 Mabel, why don't I go on alone, and you go back to Hiram? 438 00:18:58,178 --> 00:18:59,221 No. 439 00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:00,806 There's no life for me with him. 440 00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,641 I just need to disguise my hair. 441 00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:03,809 But how? 442 00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:05,894 May I be of assistance? 443 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,355 Abraham Lincoln? (gasps) 444 00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:10,691 Perhaps this hat will help disguise your hair. 445 00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:12,484 Thank you. 446 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:15,779 How's it look? 447 00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:18,740 -It makes you look like a potbellied stove. -(annoyed grunt) 448 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,200 Hey, hey, "Honest Abe." 449 00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:22,411 (laughs) Oh, I'm a riot. 450 00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:25,664 GRAMPA: As the border drew close, so did Virgil and Mabel. 451 00:19:25,747 --> 00:19:27,416 After you. 452 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:31,336 By the time they crossed into Canada, things had changed. 453 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:35,757 (theme from Ken Burns's The Civil War playing) 454 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,926 Mabel divorced Hiram 455 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,803 and got one of his shoes in the settlement. 456 00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:47,686 Mabel and Virgil lived out the rest of their days in peace. 457 00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:50,939 They got married, and since Virgil had no last name, 458 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,774 they both took the name Simpson 459 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:53,984 so that Mabel could keep 460 00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:56,737 all her monogrammed table linens. 461 00:19:56,820 --> 00:20:00,032 And their son, Abraham Simpson, 462 00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:02,826 was my great-grandfather. 463 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:10,751 So you're actually descended from Virgil, not Hiram. 464 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:11,919 Are ya happy? 465 00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,837 Yes. I'm thrilled. 466 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,173 We've regained our family honor, 467 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,926 and we're 1/64th black. 468 00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:21,303 So that's why I'm so cool. 469 00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:23,430 That's why my jazz is so smooth. 470 00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:26,433 And that's why I earn less than my white co-workers. 471 00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:27,976 Grampa, why'd you try to 472 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,895 keep us from finding this out? 473 00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:33,065 Well, it's hard to explain this to a young person, 474 00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:36,568 but people of my generation are, you know... 475 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,362 -Racists? -That's it. 476 00:20:38,445 --> 00:20:40,739 I don't know what the big deal is. 477 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,784 I mean, it never bothered any of you that my father's French. 478 00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:45,661 You know, Bouvier? 479 00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:48,247 So that's why I love drinking so much. 480 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,123 I'm French, not you. 481 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:52,584 C'est la vie, baby. 482 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,586 ("La Marseillaise" playing) 483 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:58,674 (guzzling) 484 00:21:01,468 --> 00:21:08,475 ♪♪ 485 00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:42,426 (murmuring) 486 00:21:42,509 --> 00:21:44,052 Shh! 487 00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,640 {\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem