1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,047 -CHORUS SINGS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ -(chuckling) 2 00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:09,592 D'oh! 3 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,094 (tires screeching) 4 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:12,178 (grunts) 5 00:00:14,222 --> 00:00:18,435 (panting) 6 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:22,814 (growling) 7 00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:25,442 (barking) 8 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:30,780 ♪♪ 9 00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:34,492 {\an8}NED: Thank you all for coming. 10 00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:37,203 {\an8}Now, let's start with the words everyone loves to hear: 11 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,164 {\an8}"Welcome to Bible study!" 12 00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:40,999 {\an8}Today, my readin' ribbon's smack-dab 13 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:43,001 {\an8}in the middle of Matthew 23. 14 00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:46,463 {\an8}Now let us download the holy tweet of the Lord. 15 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,631 {\an8}Stop making this relatable. 16 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,341 {\an8}Hey, as a youth, 17 00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:53,053 {\an8}if I don't hear a computer word every couple sentences, 18 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:54,387 {\an8}I am outta here. 19 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,847 {\an8}Duly noted. 20 00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:58,850 {\an8}But we will make sure not to dilute the sacred gospel. 21 00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:01,144 {\an8}Mouse pad! Double click! Skype! 22 00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:03,313 {\an8}Skype! 23 00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:04,564 {\an8}(clears throat) 24 00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,024 {\an8}Matthew 23: 25 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,610 {\an8}"Then spake Jesus to the multitude, 26 00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:10,904 {\an8}and to his disciples, saying..." 27 00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:13,406 {\an8}HOMER: Hey, my bathing suit came off! 28 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,658 {\an8}Whoo! 29 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,327 {\an8}Whoa! 30 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,870 {\an8}Hey, it floats! 31 00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:21,122 {\an8}(sighs) I'll handle this. 32 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,669 {\an8}Schnell! Schnell! 33 00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:29,672 {\an8}-(ringing) -(Homer cheering) 34 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:30,965 {\an8}(groans) 35 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,342 {\an8}Homer Simpson. 36 00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:34,677 {\an8}You are the most infuriating, 37 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:38,681 {\an8}Netflix DVD-burglaring, barbecue-not-putting-out... 38 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:39,599 {\an8}(hooting) 39 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,726 {\an8}...man I ever met! 40 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,478 {\an8}Hold that thought. 41 00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:45,480 {\an8}Oh! 42 00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:48,149 {\an8}That man is beyond redemption. 43 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,318 {\an8}That might seem to be true... 44 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:51,945 {\an8}I sense a "but" coming, Reverend... 45 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:54,531 {\an8}HOMER: Here comes the butt! 46 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:58,368 {\an8}But I think you're up to the challenge, Ned. 47 00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,703 {\an8}Oh, Reverend, I've been working my Bible to the bone 48 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,122 {\an8}trying to save that man. 49 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:04,749 {\an8}You know, Ned, God has never given up on anyone. 50 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,292 {\an8}What about Sodom and Gomorrah? 51 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,169 {\an8}He lovingly destroyed them. 52 00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:10,672 {\an8}Instead of pushing Homer away, 53 00:02:10,755 --> 00:02:14,551 {\an8}can't you find a way to reach out and bring him in? 54 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:24,811 {\an8}(chanting) 55 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:26,312 (sighs) 56 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,696 Homer? 57 00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:35,822 {\an8}(clears throat) 58 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,198 {\an8}You know, our Bible study group 59 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:41,619 {\an8}is going to the Holy Land next month. 60 00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:43,788 {\an8}I'd like you and your family to come as my guests. 61 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,456 Hmm, let me think... 62 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,876 Take my family to a war zone 63 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:50,753 on a bus filled with religious lame-os 64 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:53,173 in a country with no pork 65 00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:57,093 in a desert with no casinos... 66 00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:01,806 Ooh, where do I sign up? 67 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:04,726 Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house. 68 00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:06,561 And the dishwasher's on! 69 00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:07,937 What's going on here? 70 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,023 Mr. Flanders invited us to Israel. 71 00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,900 I think he wants to get Dad into Heaven. 72 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:14,569 -Great. More hell for me. -(Bart and Homer laugh) 73 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:18,448 Ned Flanders, you would take our family to the Holy Land 74 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:21,159 just to try to make my husband a better man? 75 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:24,621 Yep. I also want to try something called "pita bread." 76 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,873 Well, we will take you up on your offer. 77 00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:27,916 Oh... 78 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:29,876 But we insist on paying our own way. 79 00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,169 Oh! 80 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,004 And Homer, put on some pants. 81 00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,048 (screaming) Oh! 82 00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:38,134 The man hates pants. 83 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:48,019 ♪♪ 84 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,479 (glass shatters) 85 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:51,147 ALL: L'chaim! 86 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,817 Homie, just tell them what they want to hear. 87 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,110 I can't! 88 00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,446 Latkes aren't as good as American pancakes. 89 00:03:58,529 --> 00:03:59,405 (groans) 90 00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,199 They're okay with applesauce. 91 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:02,492 True enough. 92 00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:06,204 (grunts) 93 00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:09,999 A truckload of applesauce! Eh... 94 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:16,130 Krusty, I've been meaning to ask. 95 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:18,049 What are you doing on this tour? 96 00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:20,551 I believe that every Jew should make a pilgrimage 97 00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:22,637 to Israel before he dies. 98 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,013 Yes, it is fitting. 99 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,265 (laughs) 100 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,808 Don't want to end up in hell. 101 00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:27,934 Jews don't believe in hell. 102 00:04:28,017 --> 00:04:29,018 No hell? 103 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,145 Thank you, kid. You made my day. 104 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:38,319 (vocalizing) 105 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,238 (fiddle playing) 106 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:46,160 You're being paid to clean the gutters! 107 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,834 This country's so historic. 108 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:55,586 For all we know, Jesus could have given a talk 109 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,714 in Conference Room C. 110 00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,716 MAN: Welcome, welcome! 111 00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:00,883 -Hey. -Hey. 112 00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,302 My name is Jacob. 113 00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:06,055 You may notice I speak the English with a slight accent. 114 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,182 This is because, as you have probably guessed, 115 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:09,934 I used to live in London, 116 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:13,104 and that is why I sound like Hugh Grant. 117 00:05:13,187 --> 00:05:14,814 Come on. Let's go. 118 00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:16,691 We've got a lot of holy sites to see. Yallah! 119 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:17,984 We finish early, 120 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,111 we go to jewelry store owned by my cousins. 121 00:05:20,194 --> 00:05:21,446 (all laughing) 122 00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:23,197 No joke. Is true. Great prices. 123 00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:25,575 You got to haggle. Otherwise they don't respect you! 124 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,784 Come on. Let's go! 125 00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:28,494 Do you have any safety tips? 126 00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:29,829 What are you talking about? 127 00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:32,040 Israel is the safest country in the world. 128 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:34,584 The only danger here is dehydration. 129 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,669 Drink water. Don't die. Looks bad on me. 130 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,504 Come on. Shut your face. Let's go. 131 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,340 But it says here in the brochure... 132 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,050 Brochure? Brochure? 133 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:44,135 Brochure? Who wrote your brochure? 134 00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:46,637 The same schmuck who wrote the New Testament? 135 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:47,972 I can't talk to you. 136 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,515 You talk to my niece, Doreet. 137 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,184 Doreet, talk to the stupids. 138 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,602 Shalom, goyim! 139 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:53,936 Shalom to you! 140 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:57,482 Shalom is the "aloha" of this place. 141 00:05:57,565 --> 00:05:59,233 Okay, okay, lady. You done talking now? 142 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:01,944 Who is licensed tour guide here, you or me? 143 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,988 Now, everybody, we have no time to see Masada. 144 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,407 Everybody died there for nothing. 145 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,117 Okay, first stop: Old City. 146 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,203 Come on. Let's go. Please, shut your face! 147 00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:12,038 (gasps): The Old City. 148 00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:14,624 Where B.C. turned into A.D.! Let's go! 149 00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:17,126 Flanders, that stuff's been here for thousands of years. 150 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,253 But the breakfast buffet at this hotel, 151 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:21,172 which is included in our package, 152 00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:22,715 closes in ten minutes! 153 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:25,051 Homer, that's not why we're here. 154 00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,011 We can see the stations of the cross. 155 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:30,056 After we see the stations of the omelet bar. 156 00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:31,099 (groans) 157 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,726 Okay, let's just put it to a vote. 158 00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,397 I can't believe we lost, Reverend. 159 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,065 Mm-hmm. 160 00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:40,817 These blueberry muffins are bigger 161 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,360 than the ones we had at Pechanga. 162 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:45,113 Finally, something you like better than Pechanga. 163 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:49,450 ♪♪ 164 00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:52,161 Okay, everybody. Please shut your face. Here we go. 165 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,581 This sacred spot on Mount Zion is King David's tomb. 166 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,250 Also, where your Jesus, 167 00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,419 who was a native-born Israeli, by the way-- 168 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:00,670 sandals, circumcised, 169 00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,797 perfect English accent, the whole deal... 170 00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,091 This is where he had his last supper 171 00:07:05,174 --> 00:07:06,676 before they took him away 172 00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,553 and hammered him up on that cross. 173 00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:09,762 (laughing) 174 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:12,432 Hey, you. You're not part of the group. No listening! 175 00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,892 What? Is Israel. Is free country. 176 00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:20,189 (yelling in Hebrew) 177 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,274 (bleep) 178 00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:28,322 (continues yelling in Hebrew) 179 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:31,701 (bleep) 180 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,453 Okay, that's it. 181 00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:36,038 Because of him, no Armenian quarter. 182 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,206 Forget it. It's gone. 183 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,209 All thanks to Mr. Listen-for-Free. 184 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,211 Lord, please help Homer 185 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:46,632 experience the redemptive power of this sacred land. 186 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,134 (gasps) He's going for the record. 187 00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,427 He's going for the record! 188 00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:52,180 (groans) 189 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,515 Flanders, you're not supposed to help him. 190 00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,726 Yeah, thanks a lot, Flanders. 191 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,186 (sighs) 192 00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,188 Homer, do you think you could show 193 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,690 just the slightest bit of reverence? 194 00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,859 Ned, I'm an American tourist. 195 00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:08,029 I'm just here to see some sights, try goofy new food 196 00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:11,908 and spread some shekels with my Carolina Panthers credit card. 197 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,409 Panthers! 198 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,329 (sighs) Homer, could you at least turn the camera off? 199 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:19,582 If you say it like Dracula, I will. 200 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,667 -Homer... -Please, please, please... 201 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,044 Bleh! 202 00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:24,086 (laughing) 203 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,964 That is going right on StupidFlanders.org. 204 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,717 You know, Homer, you might really benefit 205 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,513 from opening your heart to the spirituality of this place. 206 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,056 Please, neighbor? 207 00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,933 This really means a lot to you, huh? 208 00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:39,519 Yes, but it means more to you. 209 00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,854 Boy, are you lousy at reading minds. 210 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,147 Okay, okay. 211 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:44,774 For you, I'll try. 212 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:49,904 FLANDERS: Lord, I think I may have finally reached him. 213 00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,450 FLANDERS (on recording): Bleh! Bleh! Bleh! 214 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,910 Homer, quit playing that back. 215 00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:58,454 I'm not. It's my ring tone. 216 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,081 Yello. This is he. 217 00:09:00,164 --> 00:09:01,374 Yeah, I wanted to know: 218 00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,960 do you deliver falafels to the top of Mount Zion? 219 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,087 Great. I'd like a large falafel 220 00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,339 with pepperoni, sausage, and extra cheese. 221 00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,716 Yes, I know what a falafel is. 222 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:11,801 (sighs) 223 00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,724 This, eh... Everybody, look at my face. 224 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:22,019 This is the Western, or as you say, Wailing Wall. 225 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,855 It is believed that the Lord will grant the prayers 226 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,274 that are stuck into the cracks. 227 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:29,652 Please, no graffiti, no making the pishen. Yallah. 228 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:32,822 "Dear Lord: please fix the following parking tickets: 229 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,533 A647253, 230 00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:39,203 SP90325, 231 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:42,623 Shelbyville 932871..." 232 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,378 Sad. 233 00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:49,380 Never gonna happen. 234 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:50,965 Sad. 235 00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:52,717 Maybe, if you were Brad Pitt. 236 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,302 Hey, boy, we're supposed to be acting religiousy. 237 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,012 What are you up to? 238 00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,723 Reading prayers and ignoring them, just like God. 239 00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,683 Hey, this one's from you. 240 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,435 "Dear Lord, don't let Marge find out 241 00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:05,730 the hotel leaves chocolates on the pillows at night." 242 00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:07,189 Why, you little... 243 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,692 (choking) 244 00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:11,569 "Give my dad another heart attack?" 245 00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:14,989 (shouts) 246 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,538 Smite him like the firstborn of Egypt. 247 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:26,167 Dead baby, dead baby, Passover, dead baby, dead baby... 248 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:31,922 (chicken clucks) 249 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:51,942 (man crying prayer call) 250 00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,819 Hey, why am I running from a girl? 251 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,238 Call me when you're old enough for your bat mitzvah. 252 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,032 I'll bring you an envelope full of nothin'. 253 00:10:58,115 --> 00:11:00,034 (grunts) 254 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,077 Karate! 255 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:01,952 Krav maga! 256 00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,079 Krav ma-wha? 257 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:04,580 Israeli karate. 258 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,248 Less hyah, 259 00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,458 more hyah 260 00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:09,168 ha-mee-ha-gee! 261 00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,087 (grunts) 262 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,672 (grunting) 263 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,298 You don't fight like a girl. 264 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:15,716 Or even a Milhouse. 265 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,301 I don't know what is "Milhouse." 266 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,594 (grunting) 267 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,596 I work security for the tour. 268 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,556 Dealing with American punks like you 269 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,016 counts as my military service. 270 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,143 And we know all about you. 271 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,063 BART: Ay, caramba. 272 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:32,108 Hey, is that the Ark of the Covenant? 273 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,109 (grunting) 274 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,944 Karate! 275 00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,613 Once again, Krav maga! 276 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,699 (grunting) 277 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,242 Quit going for my groin! 278 00:11:41,325 --> 00:11:43,035 No groin, no Krav maga. 279 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:44,370 (grunting in pain) 280 00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:46,080 Hello, groin. 281 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,959 (speaks Hebrew) Come on, come on! 282 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,336 Everybody finish lemon ice-- not allowed inside. 283 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:56,716 Before us stands the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, 284 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:59,677 believed to be the home of the tomb of your Lord. 285 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,221 Or as he's known here, "the man in the underpants." 286 00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:03,556 Beautiful tachtoonim. 287 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:04,807 Oh, and what abs! 288 00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:06,475 He was a real good-looking one. 289 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,978 Nice hair. Conditioner? I think so. 290 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,896 And, Lord, thank you for letting me see 291 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,566 this wonderful place where the end of the world 292 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,359 will soon begin. 293 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,778 And thank you again for the challenge of Homer Simpson. 294 00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,697 We've all got our crosses to bear. 295 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,366 Me Homer, you... the cross. 296 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,702 And now, let me gaze with reverence 297 00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:26,245 upon the holy resting place that... 298 00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:27,580 -(snoring) -(yells) 299 00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,123 (mutters): Uh, wha...? 300 00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:31,917 Homer, this is the most sacred spot 301 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,503 in Christendom, not your backyard hammock! 302 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,963 I'm sorry. 303 00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:38,674 It's just that these tours are so exhausting. 304 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,594 You're jet-lagged. You're walking around all day. 305 00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:44,096 It's so hard to sleep knowing Marge and the kids 306 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,390 are all stuck in one small room, and... 307 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,142 it's so nice and cool 308 00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,936 -in the Tomb of the Unknown Savior. -Unknown? 309 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,689 This is the tomb of the most famous man who ever lived! 310 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,815 Porky Pig? 311 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,192 Porky Pig's not a man! 312 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:59,487 He's a pig, and he's not even a real pig! 313 00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:02,406 But he is buried here, right? 314 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,617 That's it! I'm losing it! 315 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,869 I'm losing it! You come all the way 316 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:08,496 to Jerusalem, the happiest place on earth, 317 00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:11,999 and all the photos in your camera are of funny soda pops? 318 00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,209 (groans) 319 00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,126 Oh, will you... 320 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,336 You are such a... 321 00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:16,629 Ah! 322 00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,173 (chuckles): Chickpea Fizz! 323 00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:21,342 Delete. Delete. Delete. 324 00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:22,885 Whatever. It's your camera. 325 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,261 (screams) 326 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:25,179 (grunts) 327 00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:27,264 (grunting, thumping) 328 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,391 (grunts) 329 00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:33,103 Please, you've got to let me back in. 330 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,439 I sold 6,000 rolls of wrapping paper to get here. 331 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:36,565 That's your problem. 332 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,025 You, my friend, are banned 333 00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:39,652 from ever entering this church again. 334 00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:40,569 (slams door) 335 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,822 B-Banned for life? 336 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,366 Homer, do you know why I'm a Christian? 337 00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:46,784 Your parents made you? 338 00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:49,161 It's because I believe every soul 339 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,372 has the possibility of salvation. 340 00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,958 At least I thought so till now. 341 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:57,920 Homer Simpson, you are not worth saving. 342 00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,798 What? But I thought we'd be neighbors in Heaven. 343 00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:03,551 -Goofing on all the new dead people. -Not... 344 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,011 worth... saving! 345 00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,097 HOMER: Ned! Ned, wait up! 346 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,352 Ned! (gasps) 347 00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,939 Ned's run off into the desert! 348 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:17,940 Aha! 349 00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:21,569 A sand horse-- car of the desert! 350 00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,745 (camel grunting) 351 00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:37,459 Mmm! 352 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,545 Nothing like a tall glass of lukewarm water 353 00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:42,673 -to Jekyll down this Hyde. -(wind whooshing) 354 00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,633 Ooh, looks like a sandstorm's brewing. 355 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:47,094 I'll just wait it out at a movie. 356 00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:51,682 Orthobot Prime, 357 00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:54,226 the battle begins! 358 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,396 Not so fast-- we can't transform on the Sabbath! 359 00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:01,233 Let us power down and contemplate the Torah. 360 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,777 (mechanical whirring) 361 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,530 (robots praying) 362 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:12,202 (orchestral theme from Lawrence of Arabia playing) 363 00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:14,371 Flanders! 364 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:16,540 Stupid Flanders! 365 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,210 (wind whooshing) 366 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,004 (grunting, spitting) 367 00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,965 Oh! There's sand in my shoe! Ooh! 368 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,219 (relieved sighs): Oh! Oh...! 369 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,680 (camel grunting) 370 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,934 Good luck surviving without me! 371 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,478 (to Lawrence of Arabia theme): ♪ Thirsty ♪ 372 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,606 ♪ I am so thirsty ♪ 373 00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:44,693 ♪ And hungry and horny ♪ 374 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:49,198 ♪ But mostly just thirsty ♪ 375 00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:53,285 ♪ I am so thirsty ♪ 376 00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:54,161 Huh? 377 00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:55,663 (gasps): Water! 378 00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:00,292 (hoarsely): Oh! So salty! 379 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,629 Maybe if I add a little salt. 380 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:09,843 (dramatic music plays) 381 00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:13,472 (choir vocalizing) 382 00:16:13,555 --> 00:16:17,226 -(thunder rumbling) -(wind whistling) 383 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:21,105 (choir vocalizing) 384 00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,399 (sobbing) 385 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:29,446 (sobbing loudly) 386 00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:33,826 You have been chosen, Homer. 387 00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,328 Chosen for what, O mighty gherkin? 388 00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:39,289 Rise and listen, my child. 389 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,458 Yours is a great destiny. 390 00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:44,795 Pickle, carrot, tomato, pickle, 391 00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:45,921 carrot, tomato, pickle, carrot, 392 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,923 tomato, pickle, carrot, tomato... 393 00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:52,636 Oh, Homie, you're alive! 394 00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,806 I am more than alive, woman. 395 00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:58,017 I am the Chosen One 396 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,853 who shall unite all the faiths of the Holy Land! 397 00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:04,148 I am... the Messiah! 398 00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:06,233 But you still have our passports, right? 399 00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,027 Oh, yeah. 400 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,987 Gotta keep track of those. 401 00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,031 (shouts): The Messiah... 402 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,241 (normal voice): has the passports. 403 00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,623 -Dad, are you okay? -I am more than okay! 404 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,460 I am the Messiah, come to save the world! 405 00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:26,253 Look upon me and shudder! 406 00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:27,463 I already do that. 407 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,590 Uh... Messiah? 408 00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:32,551 -Do you mind if I have a word with your wife? -As you wish. 409 00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:34,511 But look not upon her with lust, 410 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:36,430 and do not send her friendly e-mails. 411 00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,015 That's how it begins. 412 00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:39,099 (nervous chuckle) 413 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:42,853 Homer is suffering from what's called 414 00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,229 "Jerusalem syndrome." 415 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,482 Ah, yes, Jerusalem syndrome: 416 00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:49,777 the name given to religious delusions or psychoses 417 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,862 that occur when people visit Jerusalem. 418 00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:53,947 Have you ever noticed that Dad always gets the disease 419 00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,075 they write about in the in-flight magazine? 420 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,201 MARGE: Oh, my God! 421 00:17:57,284 --> 00:17:58,535 Homer's gone! 422 00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:01,163 (groans) 423 00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:02,664 What's he gonna do now? 424 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:06,710 Hmm, Dad said he was going to unite all faiths. 425 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,547 And only one site is sacred to Muslims, Christians and Jews: 426 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:11,715 The Dome of the Rock! 427 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,092 Dome of the Rock? 428 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,219 Messiah away...! 429 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,845 (grunts) 430 00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,307 (gasps): This one says "Carolina Panthers"! 431 00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:22,559 Messiah says "Rowrr!" 432 00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:26,146 {\an8}JACOB: (speaks Hebrew) Okay, everybody, come on. 433 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,023 This shrine contains the rock 434 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,818 on which Abraham was going to sacrifice his son. 435 00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:33,195 And Muslims believe something, too. 436 00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:35,197 To find out, hire a Muslim tour guide. 437 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,698 That's a barrel of laughs. 438 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,492 -Anyway, shut your face. -Thanks, thanks. 439 00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:40,327 You can stop giving the tour now. 440 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,247 You don't want to do a photo with me? You can hold my gun. 441 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:47,251 -I used it in Entebbe. I killed three Ugandans. -No, thanks. 442 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,377 Before you go in, 443 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:49,628 you fill out comment card. 444 00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:51,004 (groans): Okay. 445 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:55,509 Uh, eh, don't forget the back. 446 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,177 You people are so pushy. 447 00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:59,096 What, Israeli people are pushy? 448 00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,557 How about you experience a couple of genocides 449 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,308 and see how laid-back you are? 450 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:06,228 We were purged from Spain! Throw out of there! 451 00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,980 They allow everybody in Spain! 452 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:10,607 But for us, Jews, no flamenco, get out! 453 00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,734 I'm pushy? Please. 454 00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:13,986 You stay there, 455 00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,613 surrounded by your great enemy, Canada! 456 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,908 Try Syria for two months, then we'll see who's pushy! 457 00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:25,539 Attention, Christians, Muslims, and Jews: 458 00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:28,333 I have come to gather you into a new faith. 459 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,294 From now on, you shall be called... 460 00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:32,171 Chris-mu-jews. 461 00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,339 -(unenthusiastic murmuring) -MAN: I-I don't know. 462 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:38,218 Because when you get down to it, aren't all religions the same? 463 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,262 They tell you what to eat, 464 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,555 when to pray, 465 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,057 how this imperfect clay that we call man 466 00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,935 can mold itself to resemble the divine. 467 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,229 But we can never attain that ultimate grace 468 00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:52,024 while there is hatred in our hearts for each other. 469 00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:53,275 (quietly): I did it. 470 00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:54,234 I reached him. 471 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,195 Celebrate your commonality. 472 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,363 Some of us don't eat pork. 473 00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,324 Some of us don't eat shellfish. 474 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,993 But all of us love chicken. 475 00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:04,620 -(excited murmuring) -MAN: He's right! 476 00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:06,496 You can simmer it in a tagine. 477 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:08,081 In a soup, you can boil it! 478 00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,458 Spread the word! 479 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,793 Peace and chicken. 480 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,213 CROWD: Peace and chicken! 481 00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,340 Don't listen to this fat idiot! 482 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:17,883 I am your Messiah! 483 00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:20,844 Avert your eyes from my wrinkly arms! 484 00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,722 Uh-oh. Got another case of Jerusalem syndrome. 485 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,225 This looks like a job for... 486 00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,476 the Messiah! 487 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,894 (sighs) 488 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:30,854 (overlapping chatter) 489 00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:34,107 I want the window seat! 490 00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:35,776 Krav maga! 491 00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:37,444 You can't hurt what's already dead. 492 00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:39,321 -(grunts) -(groans): I guess you can. 493 00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,573 Homer, my friend, of all the false messiahs today, 494 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,533 I think you came closest to the truth. 495 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:45,410 Well, if I made any sense today, 496 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:48,580 it's because all the stuff you've told me all these years 497 00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,457 has finally seeped in. 498 00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:52,793 Can I buy you a $12 turkey sandwich? 499 00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,419 I'd like that. 500 00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,338 How about a Greg Norman Executive Putter 501 00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,632 -from the SkyMall? -You'd probably get a better deal 502 00:20:58,715 --> 00:20:59,967 at a mall back home. 503 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,802 They have malls on land? 504 00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:06,473 ♪♪ 505 00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,225 JACOB: Why don't you try having your people 506 00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:10,018 being thrown out of Spain? 507 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:13,272 Spain! No tapas! I love eating tapas! 508 00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,107 I love the tiny portions! 509 00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:16,358 You don't get too full, 510 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,944 but you have a whole variety of flavors! 511 00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:21,780 Not for me! Every day hummus and pita! 512 00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:25,117 Occasionally, once a week, a little bit of falafel! 513 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:32,207 ♪♪ 514 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,270 L'chaim! 515 00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:58,775 {\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem