-CHORUS SINGS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ -(chuckling)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(grunts)
(panting)
(growling)
(barking)
♪♪
NED: Thank you all for coming.
Now, let's start with the words everyone loves to hear:
"Welcome to Bible study!"
Today, my readin' ribbon's smack-dab
in the middle of Matthew 23.
Now let us download the holy tweet of the Lord.
Stop making this relatable.
Hey, as a youth,
if I don't hear a computer word every couple sentences,
I am outta here.
Duly noted.
But we will make sure not to dilute the sacred gospel.
Mouse pad! Double click! Skype!
Skype!
(clears throat)
Matthew 23:
"Then spake Jesus to the multitude,
and to his disciples, saying..."
HOMER: Hey, my bathing suit came off!
Whoo!
Whoa!
Hey, it floats!
(sighs) I'll handle this.
Schnell! Schnell!
-(ringing) -(Homer cheering)
(groans)
Homer Simpson.
You are the most infuriating,
Netflix DVD-burglaring, barbecue-not-putting-out...
(hooting)
...man I ever met!
Hold that thought.
Oh!
That man is beyond redemption.
That might seem to be true...
I sense a "but" coming, Reverend...
HOMER: Here comes the butt!
But I think you're up to the challenge, Ned.
Oh, Reverend, I've been working my Bible to the bone
trying to save that man.
You know, Ned, God has never given up on anyone.
What about Sodom and Gomorrah?
He lovingly destroyed them.
Instead of pushing Homer away,
can't you find a way to reach out and bring him in?
(chanting)
(sighs)
Homer?
(clears throat)
You know, our Bible study group
is going to the Holy Land next month.
I'd like you and your family to come as my guests.
Hmm, let me think...
Take my family to a war zone
on a bus filled with religious lame-os
in a country with no pork
in a desert with no casinos...
Ooh, where do I sign up?
Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house.
And the dishwasher's on!
What's going on here?
Mr. Flanders invited us to Israel.
I think he wants to get Dad into Heaven.
-Great. More hell for me. -(Bart and Homer laugh)
Ned Flanders, you would take our family to the Holy Land
just to try to make my husband a better man?
Yep. I also want to try something called "pita bread."
Well, we will take you up on your offer.
Oh...
But we insist on paying our own way.
Oh!
And Homer, put on some pants.
(screaming) Oh!
The man hates pants.
♪♪
(glass shatters)
ALL: L'chaim!
Homie, just tell them what they want to hear.
I can't!
Latkes aren't as good as American pancakes.
(groans)
They're okay with applesauce.
True enough.
(grunts)
A truckload of applesauce! Eh...
Krusty, I've been meaning to ask.
What are you doing on this tour?
I believe that every Jew should make a pilgrimage
to Israel before he dies.
Yes, it is fitting.
(laughs)
Don't want to end up in hell.
Jews don't believe in hell.
No hell?
Thank you, kid. You made my day.
(vocalizing)
(fiddle playing)
You're being paid to clean the gutters!
This country's so historic.
For all we know, Jesus could have given a talk
in Conference Room C.
MAN: Welcome, welcome!
-Hey. -Hey.
My name is Jacob.
You may notice I speak the English with a slight accent.
This is because, as you have probably guessed,
I used to live in London,
and that is why I sound like Hugh Grant.
Come on. Let's go.
We've got a lot of holy sites to see. Yallah!
We finish early,
we go to jewelry store owned by my cousins.
(all laughing)
No joke. Is true. Great prices.
You got to haggle. Otherwise they don't respect you!
Come on. Let's go!
Do you have any safety tips?
What are you talking about?
Israel is the safest country in the world.
The only danger here is dehydration.
Drink water. Don't die. Looks bad on me.
Come on. Shut your face. Let's go.
But it says here in the brochure...
Brochure? Brochure?
Brochure? Who wrote your brochure?
The same schmuck who wrote the New Testament?
I can't talk to you.
You talk to my niece, Doreet.
Doreet, talk to the stupids.
Shalom, goyim!
Shalom to you!
Shalom is the "aloha" of this place.
Okay, okay, lady. You done talking now?
Who is licensed tour guide here, you or me?
Now, everybody, we have no time to see Masada.
Everybody died there for nothing.
Okay, first stop: Old City.
Come on. Let's go. Please, shut your face!
(gasps): The Old City.
Where B.C. turned into A.D.! Let's go!
Flanders, that stuff's been here for thousands of years.
But the breakfast buffet at this hotel,
which is included in our package,
closes in ten minutes!
Homer, that's not why we're here.
We can see the stations of the cross.
After we see the stations of the omelet bar.
(groans)
Okay, let's just put it to a vote.
I can't believe we lost, Reverend.
Mm-hmm.
These blueberry muffins are bigger
than the ones we had at Pechanga.
Finally, something you like better than Pechanga.
♪♪
Okay, everybody. Please shut your face. Here we go.
This sacred spot on Mount Zion is King David's tomb.
Also, where your Jesus,
who was a native-born Israeli, by the way--
sandals, circumcised,
perfect English accent, the whole deal...
This is where he had his last supper
before they took him away
and hammered him up on that cross.
(laughing)
Hey, you. You're not part of the group. No listening!
What? Is Israel. Is free country.
(yelling in Hebrew)
(bleep)
(continues yelling in Hebrew)
(bleep)
Okay, that's it.
Because of him, no Armenian quarter.
Forget it. It's gone.
All thanks to Mr. Listen-for-Free.
Lord, please help Homer
experience the redemptive power of this sacred land.
(gasps) He's going for the record.
He's going for the record!
(groans)
Flanders, you're not supposed to help him.
Yeah, thanks a lot, Flanders.
(sighs)
Homer, do you think you could show
just the slightest bit of reverence?
Ned, I'm an American tourist.
I'm just here to see some sights, try goofy new food
and spread some shekels with my Carolina Panthers credit card.
Panthers!
(sighs) Homer, could you at least turn the camera off?
If you say it like Dracula, I will.
-Homer... -Please, please, please...
Bleh!
(laughing)
That is going right on StupidFlanders.org.
You know, Homer, you might really benefit
from opening your heart to the spirituality of this place.
Please, neighbor?
This really means a lot to you, huh?
Yes, but it means more to you.
Boy, are you lousy at reading minds.
Okay, okay.
For you, I'll try.
FLANDERS: Lord, I think I may have finally reached him.
FLANDERS (on recording): Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
Homer, quit playing that back.
I'm not. It's my ring tone.
Yello. This is he.
Yeah, I wanted to know:
do you deliver falafels to the top of Mount Zion?
Great. I'd like a large falafel
with pepperoni, sausage, and extra cheese.
Yes, I know what a falafel is.
(sighs)
This, eh... Everybody, look at my face.
This is the Western, or as you say, Wailing Wall.
It is believed that the Lord will grant the prayers
that are stuck into the cracks.
Please, no graffiti, no making the pishen. Yallah.
"Dear Lord: please fix the following parking tickets:
A647253,
SP90325,
Shelbyville 932871..."
Sad.
Never gonna happen.
Sad.
Maybe, if you were Brad Pitt.
Hey, boy, we're supposed to be acting religiousy.
What are you up to?
Reading prayers and ignoring them, just like God.
Hey, this one's from you.
"Dear Lord, don't let Marge find out
the hotel leaves chocolates on the pillows at night."
Why, you little...
(choking)
"Give my dad another heart attack?"
(shouts)
Smite him like the firstborn of Egypt.
Dead baby, dead baby, Passover, dead baby, dead baby...
(chicken clucks)
(man crying prayer call)
Hey, why am I running from a girl?
Call me when you're old enough for your bat mitzvah.
I'll bring you an envelope full of nothin'.
(grunts)
Karate!
Krav maga!
Krav ma-wha?
Israeli karate.
Less hyah,
more hyah
ha-mee-ha-gee!
(grunts)
(grunting)
You don't fight like a girl.
Or even a Milhouse.
I don't know what is "Milhouse."
(grunting)
I work security for the tour.
Dealing with American punks like you
counts as my military service.
And we know all about you.
BART: Ay, caramba.
Hey, is that the Ark of the Covenant?
(grunting)
Karate!
Once again, Krav maga!
(grunting)
Quit going for my groin!
No groin, no Krav maga.
(grunting in pain)
Hello, groin.
(speaks Hebrew) Come on, come on!
Everybody finish lemon ice-- not allowed inside.
Before us stands the Church of the Holy Sepulchre,
believed to be the home of the tomb of your Lord.
Or as he's known here, "the man in the underpants."
Beautiful tachtoonim.
Oh, and what abs!
He was a real good-looking one.
Nice hair. Conditioner? I think so.
And, Lord, thank you for letting me see
this wonderful place where the end of the world
will soon begin.
And thank you again for the challenge of Homer Simpson.
We've all got our crosses to bear.
Me Homer, you... the cross.
And now, let me gaze with reverence
upon the holy resting place that...
-(snoring) -(yells)
(mutters): Uh, wha...?
Homer, this is the most sacred spot
in Christendom, not your backyard hammock!
I'm sorry.
It's just that these tours are so exhausting.
You're jet-lagged. You're walking around all day.
It's so hard to sleep knowing Marge and the kids
are all stuck in one small room, and...
it's so nice and cool
-in the Tomb of the Unknown Savior. -Unknown?
This is the tomb of the most famous man who ever lived!
Porky Pig?
Porky Pig's not a man!
He's a pig, and he's not even a real pig!
But he is buried here, right?
That's it! I'm losing it!
You come all the way
to Jerusalem, the happiest place on earth,
and all the photos in your camera are of funny soda pops?
(groans)
Oh, will you...
You are such a...
Ah!
(chuckles): Chickpea Fizz!
Delete. Delete. Delete.
Whatever. It's your camera.
(screams)
(grunts)
(grunting, thumping)
(grunts)
Please, you've got to let me back in.
I sold 6,000 rolls of wrapping paper to get here.
That's your problem.
You, my friend, are banned
from ever entering this church again.
(slams door)
B-Banned for life?
Homer, do you know why I'm a Christian?
Your parents made you?
It's because I believe every soul
has the possibility of salvation.
At least I thought so till now.
Homer Simpson, you are not worth saving.
What? But I thought we'd be neighbors in Heaven.
-Goofing on all the new dead people. -Not...
worth... saving!
HOMER: Ned! Ned, wait up!
Ned! (gasps)
Ned's run off into the desert!
Aha!
A sand horse-- car of the desert!
(camel grunting)
Mmm!
Nothing like a tall glass of lukewarm water
-to Jekyll down this Hyde. -(wind whooshing)
Ooh, looks like a sandstorm's brewing.
I'll just wait it out at a movie.
Orthobot Prime,
the battle begins!
Not so fast-- we can't transform on the Sabbath!
Let us power down and contemplate the Torah.
(mechanical whirring)
(robots praying)
(orchestral theme from Lawrence of Arabia playing)
Flanders!
Stupid Flanders!
(wind whooshing)
(grunting, spitting)
Oh! There's sand in my shoe! Ooh!
(relieved sighs): Oh! Oh...!
(camel grunting)
Good luck surviving without me!
(to Lawrence of Arabia theme): ♪ Thirsty ♪
♪ I am so thirsty ♪
♪ And hungry and horny ♪
♪ But mostly just thirsty ♪
♪ I am so thirsty ♪
Huh?
(gasps): Water!
(hoarsely): Oh! So salty!
Maybe if I add a little salt.
(dramatic music plays)
(choir vocalizing)
-(thunder rumbling) -(wind whistling)
(choir vocalizing)
(sobbing)
(sobbing loudly)
You have been chosen, Homer.
Chosen for what, O mighty gherkin?
Rise and listen, my child.
Yours is a great destiny.
Pickle, carrot, tomato, pickle,
carrot, tomato, pickle, carrot,
tomato, pickle, carrot, tomato...
Oh, Homie, you're alive!
I am more than alive, woman.
I am the Chosen One
who shall unite all the faiths of the Holy Land!
I am... the Messiah!
But you still have our passports, right?
Oh, yeah.
Gotta keep track of those.
(shouts): The Messiah...
(normal voice): has the passports.
-Dad, are you okay? -I am more than okay!
I am the Messiah, come to save the world!
Look upon me and shudder!
I already do that.
Uh... Messiah?
-Do you mind if I have a word with your wife? -As you wish.
But look not upon her with lust,
and do not send her friendly e-mails.
That's how it begins.
(nervous chuckle)
Homer is suffering from what's called
"Jerusalem syndrome."
Ah, yes, Jerusalem syndrome:
the name given to religious delusions or psychoses
that occur when people visit Jerusalem.
Have you ever noticed that Dad always gets the disease
they write about in the in-flight magazine?
MARGE: Oh, my God!
Homer's gone!
(groans)
What's he gonna do now?
Hmm, Dad said he was going to unite all faiths.
And only one site is sacred to Muslims, Christians and Jews:
The Dome of the Rock!
Dome of the Rock?
Messiah away...!
(grunts)
(gasps): This one says "Carolina Panthers"!
Messiah says "Rowrr!"
JACOB: (speaks Hebrew) Okay, everybody, come on.
This shrine contains the rock
on which Abraham was going to sacrifice his son.
And Muslims believe something, too.
To find out, hire a Muslim tour guide.
That's a barrel of laughs.
-Anyway, shut your face. -Thanks, thanks.
You can stop giving the tour now.
You don't want to do a photo with me? You can hold my gun.
-I used it in Entebbe. I killed three Ugandans. -No, thanks.
Before you go in,
you fill out comment card.
(groans): Okay.
Uh, eh, don't forget the back.
You people are so pushy.
What, Israeli people are pushy?
How about you experience a couple of genocides
and see how laid-back you are?
We were purged from Spain! Throw out of there!
They allow everybody in Spain!
But for us, Jews, no flamenco, get out!
I'm pushy? Please.
You stay there,
surrounded by your great enemy, Canada!
Try Syria for two months, then we'll see who's pushy!
Attention, Christians, Muslims, and Jews:
I have come to gather you into a new faith.
From now on, you shall be called...
Chris-mu-jews.
-(unenthusiastic murmuring) -MAN: I-I don't know.
Because when you get down to it, aren't all religions the same?
They tell you what to eat,
when to pray,
how this imperfect clay that we call man
can mold itself to resemble the divine.
But we can never attain that ultimate grace
while there is hatred in our hearts for each other.
(quietly): I did it.
I reached him.
Celebrate your commonality.
Some of us don't eat pork.
Some of us don't eat shellfish.
But all of us love chicken.
-(excited murmuring) -MAN: He's right!
You can simmer it in a tagine.
In a soup, you can boil it!
Spread the word!
Peace and chicken.
CROWD: Peace and chicken!
Don't listen to this fat idiot!
I am your Messiah!
Avert your eyes from my wrinkly arms!
Uh-oh. Got another case of Jerusalem syndrome.
This looks like a job for...
the Messiah!
(sighs)
(overlapping chatter)
I want the window seat!
Krav maga!
You can't hurt what's already dead.
-(grunts) -(groans): I guess you can.
Homer, my friend, of all the false messiahs today,
I think you came closest to the truth.
Well, if I made any sense today,
it's because all the stuff you've told me all these years
has finally seeped in.
Can I buy you a $12 turkey sandwich?
I'd like that.
How about a Greg Norman Executive Putter
-from the SkyMall? -You'd probably get a better deal
at a mall back home.
They have malls on land?
♪♪
JACOB: Why don't you try having your people
being thrown out of Spain?
Spain! No tapas! I love eating tapas!
I love the tiny portions!
You don't get too full,
but you have a whole variety of flavors!
Not for me! Every day hummus and pita!
Occasionally, once a week, a little bit of falafel!
♪♪
L'chaim!
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