1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,339 CHORUS SINGS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,595 Ah! 3 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,019 (school bell ringing) 4 00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:22,647 (Barney belches) 5 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,232 (whistle blows) 6 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:25,567 (yells) 7 00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:31,573 (beeping) 8 00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:39,456 (playing the blues) 9 00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:43,960 (playing the blues) 10 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,420 (tires screeching) 11 00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:47,881 D'oh! 12 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:49,466 (tires screech) 13 00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:51,134 (grunts) 14 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,261 -Hello, boy. -Why, you...! 15 00:00:53,344 --> 00:00:56,097 (grunting and groaning) 16 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,858 (Homer laughs) 17 00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:08,860 That is disgusting! 18 00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:11,237 Hang on. Here's a spot that still looks good. 19 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,489 (panting) 20 00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,200 So, do we have a winner? 21 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,284 {\an8}HOMER: Hmm... 22 00:01:17,285 --> 00:01:19,079 {\an8}Not ugly enough. 23 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:20,830 {\an8}I want something that looks like this... 24 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,290 {\an8}BART: Ay, caramba! 25 00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:23,875 {\an8}...had a baby with this, 26 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:26,002 {\an8}and it got sat on by this. 27 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:29,297 {\an8}I think I've come up with the answer. 28 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:33,218 {\an8}Oh... my... God! 29 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:36,221 (sweetly): You never fail to nauseate me, boy. 30 00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:39,641 (laughs) Just call me "Barf Simpson." 31 00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:41,226 I wanted to, 32 00:01:41,309 --> 00:01:43,394 but your mother said kids might tease you. 33 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,735 (chuckling) 34 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,737 Half an hour to showtime, your ugliness. 35 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:53,863 Dad, do you realize 36 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,490 we've put more time into this 37 00:01:55,573 --> 00:01:57,742 than all my schoolwork combined? 38 00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,453 But if we win this, we get a gift certificate. 39 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:01,788 For what? 40 00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:04,249 (chuckles) It doesn't matter. 41 00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:10,755 (thumping) 42 00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:15,885 (Marge humming) 43 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:16,970 {\an8}How ya doin'? 44 00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:18,596 {\an8}I need a diaper for my chimp 45 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,931 {\an8}that won't upset my tiger's stomach 46 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:21,683 {\an8}if he eats the chimp. 47 00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:24,185 {\an8}Fear not. Our chimp diapers have 48 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:28,022 {\an8}that nutty cinnamon taste tigers love. 49 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:29,941 {\an8}(chatters) 50 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:33,570 {\an8}Mmm! It's a great time to be a tiger. 51 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,029 (kids laughing) 52 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,574 {\an8}Mr. Flanders, how did you make 53 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:38,867 {\an8}these amazing fish? 54 00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:40,869 {\an8}(chuckles) Actually, God made some fish 55 00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:42,620 {\an8}that were pretty close to these, 56 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:45,290 {\an8}so naturally we selected those for further breeding. 57 00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:49,752 {\an8}So that natural selection was the origin of this species? 58 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:50,753 {\an8}Yup, that's exactly... 59 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:52,255 {\an8}Whoa-oa-oa! 60 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,799 You almost got me. 61 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:57,177 (gasping) 62 00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,679 Not on my watch! 63 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:04,350 (Marge humming) 64 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:07,187 (grunting) 65 00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:11,191 {\an8}(Moe humming) 66 00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:12,233 {\an8}This seat taken? 67 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,277 {\an8}Uh, yes, I'm saving it for... 68 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:15,695 {\an8}this soy sauce packet. 69 00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:17,322 Aw, man, you know you're a loser 70 00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:20,325 when they don't even work hard on the excuse. 71 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,243 I'll just sit here, then. 72 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:26,706 Thanks a lot, everyone. 73 00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:28,833 Choke on yourselves. 74 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,960 Ah, here we go. 75 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,129 Oh, no, you don't. 76 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,843 {\an8}(grumbling) 77 00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:41,930 (panting) 78 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,348 Whoa, that one's so ugly, 79 00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:46,893 {\an8}it reminds me of my ex-wife! Hah! 80 00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,770 {\an8}(laughs feebly) 81 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,273 That one reminds me of her lawyer. 82 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:54,442 Congress... 83 00:03:54,525 --> 00:03:55,818 elderly drivers... 84 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,237 commercials... 85 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,155 Bella Abzug... 86 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,908 Hey, clown, we've heard your stand-up! 87 00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,534 {\an8}Now how about some shut-up! 88 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:05,411 {\an8}(all laughing) 89 00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,288 Everybody's a comedian. 90 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,164 {\an8}Except you! 91 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,874 {\an8}(all laughing) 92 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,961 {\an8}Well, why don't you come up here and try to entertain 'em? 93 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,337 -Do it, Moe! -Come on, Moe! 94 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:15,713 Entertain us! 95 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,507 Well, I guess I could. Uh... 96 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,217 {\an8}At least I'd get a chair. 97 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:25,306 Check it out. 98 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,516 Two train wrecks connected 99 00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:27,767 by a strip of leather. 100 00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,310 (all laugh) 101 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:32,021 I don't wanna say it's ugly, 102 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,691 but PETA called and said we should kill this one. 103 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,276 (all laugh) 104 00:04:36,359 --> 00:04:39,028 {\an8}And now, owned by one of the ugliest families 105 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,488 {\an8}in Springfield... 106 00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,907 {\an8}Satan's Little Helper! 107 00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:45,535 (all gasp) 108 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:47,245 Oh! Whoa! 109 00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:49,330 Even the Koreans wouldn't touch this dog! 110 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:50,873 (all laugh) 111 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:52,667 {\an8}(whines) 112 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:53,793 We have a winner! 113 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:56,337 (all cheer) 114 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,718 {\an8}-Oh... -(smooches) 115 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,013 {\an8}Ooh, everyone's coming over to congratulate us! 116 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:06,723 {\an8}Humble faces, kids! 117 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:07,974 {\an8}Humbler! 118 00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:11,394 {\an8}Lisa, too humble. 119 00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:12,520 {\an8}(people clamoring) 120 00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:13,980 {\an8}Hmm?! 121 00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:15,231 {\an8}You're hilarious! 122 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,190 {\an8}Judge my baby! 123 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:17,775 {\an8}Say something cruel about me! 124 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,652 {\an8}Would you do my kid's birthday party? 125 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,904 {\an8}ALL (chanting): Moe! Moe! Moe! 126 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,906 {\an8}Wow, they love me for my bile. 127 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,908 {\an8}And I got a spleenful! 128 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,618 {\an8}Hel-lo! 129 00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:33,166 No, no, no, I don't need your fair-weather friendship... 130 00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:34,959 (dejected purr) 131 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,712 ...is what I'll say tomorrow morning! (chuckles) 132 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,926 CARL: Man, you sure saved that dog show. 133 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,054 Moe, you were hilarious. 134 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,930 Ah, I was just doin' what comes naturally to me; 135 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,390 being mean to animals. 136 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:52,977 Uh, excuse me, sir. 137 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,896 I was wondering if you would judge 138 00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:57,732 an outrageous beard contest I'm in tonight. 139 00:05:57,815 --> 00:05:59,567 Well, uh, anyone can get a laugh 140 00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:01,069 at the expense of an ugly dog. 141 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,445 But crazy beards? 142 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,988 That's where the big boys play. 143 00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,573 -You got the gift, baby! -Come on, Moe. 144 00:06:05,656 --> 00:06:07,700 Can you make it sound like girls askin' me? 145 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:10,578 -Oh, Moe, please do it! Oh! -Please? Moe, please? 146 00:06:10,661 --> 00:06:13,414 (chuckles) Okay, you crazy dames, I'll do it! 147 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,083 (all giggling girlishly) 148 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,710 Which means this joint is closed for the night. 149 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,212 -Don't be that way! -You kidding me? 150 00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:20,588 You can't close! 151 00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:22,632 I'll have to go home and drink better beer 152 00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:25,676 at half the price in natural lighting! 153 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:29,263 (sighs) I didn't want to have to do this. 154 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:32,266 (all shrieking) 155 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,519 Yeah, that's right! Scatter, ya cockroaches! 156 00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:37,939 Mr. Szyslak, would you like to buy some band candy? 157 00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:39,732 That doesn't work on me. 158 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:40,817 Oh, yeah? 159 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:43,778 How 'bout this scary face?! (shrieking) 160 00:06:43,861 --> 00:06:47,740 I can see that down deep is a decent man. 161 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,742 (sighs) Fine. 162 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:56,833 You're home early! 163 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,543 Oh, can't a guy rush home from work 164 00:06:58,626 --> 00:06:59,836 to see his beautiful... 165 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:00,962 Moe's is closed, huh? 166 00:07:01,045 --> 00:07:02,171 Yeah. 167 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,257 Now what am I supposed to do? 168 00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:05,967 We can enjoy each others' company. 169 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:06,926 Okay. 170 00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:09,887 (both sighing) 171 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,931 Still wanna be at Moe's? 172 00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:14,851 She's right, Homer. You're happier there. 173 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,644 Mr. Szyslak, you want to buy some band candy? 174 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:19,981 Even in the thought bubble, I gotta buy band candy? 175 00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:23,276 Looks like you ate 176 00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:25,611 a Rastafarian, and he's comin' back up on ya! 177 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,613 (all laughing) 178 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,698 Now looky here. 179 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,491 I'm no judge of talent, 180 00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:32,410 but I am a judge of judging. 181 00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:33,619 And in my judge judgment, 182 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,080 you have a talent for judging talent. 183 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:38,207 You talk like my ass plays harmonica. 184 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,793 (laughs) You should share 185 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,463 your hilarious hate with everyone! 186 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:46,549 ♪ Why can't you be nicer to me? ♪ 187 00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:54,765 ♪ My pride is dying ♪ 188 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,810 ♪ I think I'm all done lying, oh... ♪ 189 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,404 (gasps) 190 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,822 I didn't see you come in. 191 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:11,240 Well, since Moe's is closed again, 192 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,159 I thought I'd help you cook dinner. 193 00:08:13,242 --> 00:08:14,744 Well, I don't need much help, 194 00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:17,997 but you can keep me company. 195 00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:19,999 (shrieks) 196 00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,000 You know what? 197 00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:23,127 I'll just cook this later. 198 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:26,422 (shrieks) 199 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,924 What are we watching? 200 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,926 Uh, I'm gonna go read a book. 201 00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:34,805 MARGE: Huh? 202 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,767 After the title page, it's Bob Dole's memoirs. 203 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,436 This is terrible! 204 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,980 I've seen better stitching on a baseball glove! 205 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,857 Can I have another corpse? 206 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,526 They weren't corpses. 207 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:47,944 Uh-oh. 208 00:08:50,988 --> 00:08:52,448 Moe Szyslak? 209 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,575 I'm from U.C.A.A., the Uncreative Artists Agency. 210 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:56,953 We represent some of the biggest stars on TV. 211 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,621 TV, huh? That crap still on? 212 00:08:58,704 --> 00:09:00,581 Yes, sir. Never been crappier. 213 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,625 Listen, Moe, reality shows are looking for judges, 214 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,793 and you're that mythical creature 215 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,586 we thought we would never find: 216 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,505 you're mean, you're funny and you're not British! 217 00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:09,173 I am so not British. 218 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,676 Don't let this pasty face and bad teeth fool ya. 219 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:12,718 Perfect! 220 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,220 So, what kind of reality shows 221 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:15,429 are we talkin' about here? 222 00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:16,847 Well, to name just a few: 223 00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,891 America's Ripest Bananas, So You Think You Can Judge, 224 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:21,185 Who Wants to be a Welder? Poodle Versus Elephant... 225 00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:23,938 Leg Swap, Old People Try to Figure Out Computers, 226 00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:25,856 American Idol, Dancing With Cars of the Stars, 227 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,442 America's Drunkest Nobody, Let's Make a Veal... 228 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:29,318 Love that show. 229 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,611 Somali Pirate Apprentice. 230 00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,071 Right, yeah, with those guys. 231 00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:33,030 Fix Andy Dick. 232 00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,323 It's about time. 233 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,992 Bottom Chef, My Life On Kathy Griffin, 234 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,494 Pimp My Crypt, Are You Fatter Than a Fifth Grader? 235 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,246 and Grave Robbers of Orange County. 236 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:41,998 Geez, that's, uh, quite a list. 237 00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:43,541 Hang on. I'm getting a text. 238 00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:44,625 Ooh, those were all just canceled, 239 00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:45,918 except for American Idol. 240 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,295 Did you just say "Armenian Idol"? 241 00:09:47,378 --> 00:09:48,337 'Cause that's my favorite show! 242 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,172 No, no, no, no, no, American Idol. 243 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,299 Oh, yeah. 244 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,925 Who's their Egor Glumov? 245 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:53,968 Randy Jackson. 246 00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:55,469 Ah, good enough. 247 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,856 Uh, hey, driver, could you put on a song 248 00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:08,733 about California or Los Angeles? 249 00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:10,234 Ah, they all suck. 250 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,194 But here's a great one about Alabama! 251 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:17,491 ♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪ 252 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:21,704 ♪ Where the skies are so blue ♪ 253 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:26,626 ♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪ 254 00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:30,004 ♪ Lord, I'm coming home to you. ♪ 255 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:39,055 Now that I have all this free time, 256 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,973 I thought I would do you a huge favor. 257 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,224 That's nice. 258 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:43,434 What kind of favor? 259 00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:45,519 I organized the kitchen. 260 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,439 I labeled everything with a label maker... 261 00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:53,152 and I mixed all the spices together into one super spice! 262 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,154 (meows) 263 00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:56,364 (gasps) 264 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,490 (labored breathing) 265 00:10:57,573 --> 00:11:00,159 Oh-oh, what kind of ventilating is that? 266 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:01,994 Hyper! 267 00:11:05,247 --> 00:11:06,165 (fans cheering) 268 00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:07,166 (player grunts) 269 00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:08,918 (siren wails) 270 00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:10,252 Wow, Marge, 271 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,214 I can't believe you're taking me to a sports bar. 272 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:17,218 Well, it's been such a blessing having you around the house. 273 00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:20,179 Making my life easier, as you so put it. 274 00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:22,473 So I thought you deserved a reward. 275 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:24,058 (tires screech) 276 00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:26,018 (fans cheering) 277 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,229 -(laughing) -(zapping, groans) 278 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,983 Watching hockey. 279 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,027 Watching them pass that puck. 280 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,195 Oh, yeah. 281 00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,114 Lacrosse, idiot. 282 00:11:38,197 --> 00:11:40,991 Hey, man, can you settle a bet? 283 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:42,993 What was the greatest XFL team 284 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:44,995 that never won a championship? 285 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,957 Uh, the Long Island Iced Teas? 286 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,167 I think you want the gay bar across the street. 287 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:54,171 (house music playing) 288 00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:57,842 As an eight-year-old girl in 21st-century America, 289 00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:00,970 I know how it is to feel insecure about your looks. 290 00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:03,639 But you've got so much going for you. 291 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,850 I'd kill for your sense of smell. 292 00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:07,518 You have a nice firm handshake. 293 00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:11,313 And when you wag your tail, it really lights up a room. 294 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,274 Now let's scoot together. 295 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,575 Wow, I can't believe I'm here. 296 00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:25,119 The place where magic is made. 297 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:26,871 (chuckles) 298 00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:29,373 I really appreciate you showing me around, Simon. 299 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,167 Always happy to help the newbies. 300 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:32,251 And how do you like L.A.? 301 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,878 Oh, it's a helluva city. 302 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:35,838 It's like somebody stepped on New York 303 00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:37,339 and scraped it off on the beach. 304 00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:38,174 Clever. 305 00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:39,300 Slightly nasty. 306 00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:40,468 Very impressive. 307 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,428 You know, I don't say this often, Moe, 308 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:44,638 but I actually think you're quite good at this. 309 00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,890 (chuckles) 310 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,726 Oh, well... Oh, nuts. 311 00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:50,102 Here come the paparazzi. 312 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,482 Hey. Ah. Ugh. Oh. 313 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,783 Homie, I thought you were at that sports bar. 314 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:06,952 Well, that place was for die-hard sports fans. 315 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:08,454 Not guys like me, who are 316 00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,831 only fans when their team makes the play offs. 317 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:14,251 So I decided to take apart the washing machine 318 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,587 to see where that penny I left in my pants went. 319 00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:19,715 Well, I am glad you're spending more time with us, 320 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,343 but maybe you should get a plumber to help you with that. 321 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,136 Oh, those guys are all crooks. 322 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,764 They charge you for parts and labor? 323 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:27,973 Pick one, buddy. 324 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,643 I can do this just fine by myself. 325 00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:32,394 (grunts) 326 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,854 Don't worry, I got it. 327 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,148 (grunting) 328 00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:40,653 (sighs) 329 00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:43,447 (mutters) 330 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,743 Sure is hell to have your husband around all the time, ain't it? 331 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,663 At least in hell, the heat still works. 332 00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:55,000 Well, I do know something that could occupy his time. 333 00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,627 A lot of his time. 334 00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:59,630 Seen it work with plenty of men my age. 335 00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:02,842 Only thing is, you may not get him back. 336 00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:03,926 What is it? 337 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,803 (ominous voice): Golf. 338 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:08,138 (muffled grunting) 339 00:14:08,222 --> 00:14:10,432 Hey there, neighbor. 340 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,184 You look as puffed up as a peacock in a... 341 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:15,729 (shouting) 342 00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,275 Golf it is. 343 00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:20,818 Golf what is? 344 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,322 Uh, you wanted to see me, Simon? 345 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:26,740 Moe, as you know, 346 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,034 over the past few days I've grown rather fond of you. 347 00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:31,787 I can't believe you gave me your home phone number. 348 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,205 That's not my home number. 349 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,624 That's my assistant's work number. 350 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:38,127 Now, Moe, I want to give you a friendly warning-- 351 00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:40,170 don't do what I did. 352 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,339 Don't become the mean judge. 353 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,425 But it's brought you everything a man could want. 354 00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,635 Uh, I bet you throw out your paper plates 355 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,637 instead of reusing them till the food drops through. 356 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,514 That's true. Everything you said is true. 357 00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,515 But there's a cost. 358 00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:52,766 I'm lonely, Moe. 359 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:54,602 No one dares to be my friend, 360 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:56,145 for fear I'll say something nasty. 361 00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:58,314 But what we do is just kiddin' around, right? 362 00:14:58,397 --> 00:14:59,815 People know that. 363 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,025 Do they? 364 00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:02,651 They've been preparing a bio of you, 365 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,194 with interviews of people you've judged. 366 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:05,404 Let's have a look. 367 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:07,281 He's the meanest man in town. 368 00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:08,657 Nasty. 369 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:09,867 Uncouth. 370 00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,702 ALL: We hate you. 371 00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:13,078 So does Stu. 372 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,998 Edit that so it rhymes with something. 373 00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:20,419 He's a... (bleeps) 374 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:22,880 Wow, I can't believe this, Simon. 375 00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:24,131 Simon? 376 00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:25,674 Huh. 377 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,177 Was he really here, or was it just my imagination? 378 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,011 I'm here. 379 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,430 My black tee shirt makes me blend into the shadows. 380 00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:33,140 I'm here, I'm gone. 381 00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:36,268 I'm here, I'm gone. I'm here, I'm gone. 382 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,104 -I'm here. -I get it. I get it. That-That's your thing. 383 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:49,698 ♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ 384 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:52,034 (high note): ♪ You! ♪ 385 00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:55,037 (cheering and applause) 386 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,747 This is it, Moe-- 387 00:15:56,830 --> 00:16:00,209 America's going to learn just what sort of man you are. 388 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:03,045 Okay, Randy, what'd you think of that performance? 389 00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:04,713 A'ight, a'ight, you know what? 390 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,298 I was feelin' that, dawg. 391 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,508 "Happy" was very cool, right? 392 00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:09,343 But "birth" was definitely a little pitchy. 393 00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:12,096 But I gotta tell you something, you worked it out on "day," man. 394 00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:15,349 And then when you hit that "to you", dude, that was the bomb. 395 00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:17,226 You blew out all the candles, baby. 396 00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:19,728 If you think that answer was a yes, 397 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,855 {\an8}text the number at the bottom of the screen. 398 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:23,899 {\an8}Giant secret charges may apply. Kara? 399 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,151 I have to admit, I didn't think you could come back 400 00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:28,362 from last week, when your version of "Brown Sugar" 401 00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:30,406 made Mick Jagger retire from singing forever. 402 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,032 But you rocked it. 403 00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:34,159 Ellen, what's your "ramble" on this? 404 00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:35,995 Ryan, I don't ramble anymore. 405 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,872 Although I do love that song "Ramblin' Man" by The Allman Brothers. 406 00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,708 I used to think that they were "The Almond Brothers," 407 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,334 which was cool, because I love nuts. 408 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,169 Except for filberts, which is weird 409 00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:45,587 because I love Dilbert-- 410 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:47,464 'cause when you're stuck working in a cubicle, 411 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:49,800 sometimes you just gotta dance. 412 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:52,803 (cheering) 413 00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:02,229 Now let's hear from the new guy, Moe Szyslak. 414 00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:04,732 (crowd murmuring) 415 00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,900 Uh... Well, let's see here, um.... 416 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:12,448 Don't become the mean judge. 417 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:14,950 Mr. Cowell, would you like some band candy? 418 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,035 Security. 419 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,998 Uh, I'm afraid 420 00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:23,125 you're wasting your time on this stage. 421 00:17:23,208 --> 00:17:25,753 (laughing and hooting) 422 00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:28,422 ...because you should be on Broadway 423 00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:30,257 chargin' a hundred bucks a ticket. 424 00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:31,675 You're a natural talent. 425 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:32,968 (giggles) 426 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,553 I'm gettin' a little emotional here, 427 00:17:34,636 --> 00:17:37,056 because your voice, it opened up a little part of me 428 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,267 that I thought was closed to truth and beauty forever. 429 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,478 If there's a God, I just hope that right now 430 00:17:42,561 --> 00:17:45,564 he's votin' your name on that 8-8-8 line. 431 00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,024 (voice breaking): It was, it was really beautiful. 432 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:49,485 Really. Thank you. 433 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,987 Okay, that's four thumbs up. 434 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,698 And finally, because this show now has more judges 435 00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:57,409 than the Supreme Court... Simon, what do you say? 436 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,703 Well, that was a truly a remarkable version of "Happy Birthday." 437 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,205 Because when it was done, 438 00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:04,291 I actually felt like I had lost a year of my life. 439 00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,210 (audience laughing and hooting) 440 00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:10,464 But even more objectionable were Moe's insipid comments, 441 00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,758 a desperate plea for affection, 442 00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:15,928 which fell as flat as the hair on my head. 443 00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,556 (laughter) 444 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,641 Why are you raggin' on me? 445 00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,518 I'm just doin' what you said. 446 00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:23,894 Hmm. Let me think. 447 00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,271 Why would I try to sabotage a new judge 448 00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:29,233 who just might do what I do for $48 million less? 449 00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,317 Hey, hey, hey. 450 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,819 I've been double-crossed here. 451 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,737 You're pretty smart huh, Simon? 452 00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:36,657 Let's see how smart you are with your voice box hangin' out. 453 00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:37,699 (grunts) 454 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,409 Label to camera. Label to camera. 455 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,411 What? Oh. Sorry. Sorry. 456 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,664 Die, ya bastard. 457 00:18:44,998 --> 00:18:47,376 Tees, scorecard, stubby little pencil. 458 00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,502 You're all set. 459 00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,295 Have fun, Homie. 460 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,588 Looks like Jimmy's 461 00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:53,549 starting him off with a three iron. 462 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,968 My first shot was with a three iron. 463 00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:57,678 One shot, and I was hooked for life. 464 00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:00,055 Barely saw my family again. 465 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:03,559 Birthdays, anniversaries, I missed 'em all. 466 00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:08,021 I'm missing my daughter's wedding right now. 467 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,649 Sweet guy, I'm told. 468 00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:11,942 One shot. 469 00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:14,194 Hooked for life. 470 00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:17,865 (shrieks) 471 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,449 Huh?! 472 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,952 Marge, you ruined my shot. 473 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:25,164 You can take another, in 40 years. 474 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,377 That was awesome. 475 00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,046 I feel like the Tiger Woods of sex. 476 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,632 In the mood for another round? 477 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,260 (giggling) 478 00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:41,763 I didn't rip out his voice box, 479 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,016 but I did stretch out his tee shirt. 480 00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:46,852 Then they said I ain't allowed back in California no more 481 00:19:46,935 --> 00:19:49,313 and I can no longer make judgments about nothin'. 482 00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:52,649 Hey, Moe, am I okay to drive? 483 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,151 Legally, I can't say. 484 00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:56,737 To a drunk man, that's a yes. 485 00:20:00,115 --> 00:20:02,868 (imitating car engine) 486 00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:04,036 Beep, beep. 487 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,412 He seems fine. 488 00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:06,830 There is one bright side: 489 00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,333 I'm also forbidden from ever watching Fox. 490 00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,251 You can't even show it in the bar? 491 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:14,296 That's right, and business has never been better. 492 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:17,841 (patrons clamoring) 493 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:21,470 Oh, hey, how's it goin' there, Mr. Murdoch? 494 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:24,431 Never mind me-- put on The Jay Leno Show. 495 00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:26,058 Have you seen this? 496 00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,602 The president says Iran has gotten ahold 497 00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:30,479 of the most dangerous weapon known to man: 498 00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:31,813 The BP oil rig. 499 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:32,981 That's right, ladies and gentlemen. 500 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,942 But I know how to make that leak disappear: 501 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:36,151 put it on NBC. 502 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:38,237 (laughing) 503 00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,662 (theme song playing) 504 00:21:24,157 --> 00:21:26,159 (laughing) 505 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,290 {\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem