1
00:00:02,252 --> 00:00:04,504
(orchestral version of
"Carol of the Bells" playing)

2
00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:14,514
MARGE (grunting) ...heavy!

3
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,268
{\an8}Aah! Wrong holiday, stupid.

4
00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,356
{\an8}<i>MECHANICAL SANTA: Ho, ho, ho.</i>

5
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,900
{\an8}<i>(speeding up) Ho, ho, ho, ho...</i>

6
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,987
{\an8}I could use some help!

7
00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:33,575
{\an8}Marge, I'm watching a rerun
of an important bowl game.

8
00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:36,327
{\an8}<i>ANNOUNCER: And that last touchdown</i>
<i>makes it 67 to 13.</i>

9
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,787
{\an8}Maggie!

10
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,706
{\an8}Lisa, what are you doing?

11
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,541
{\an8}Marking a crime scene.

12
00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:43,626
{\an8}To celebrate an ancient pagan ritual,

13
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,211
{\an8}this tree was cut down

14
00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,339
{\an8}and tarted up like
a dime-a-dance floozy.

15
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,133
{\an8}-(grunts)
-Oh...

16
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:52,886
{\an8}Next you'll have a problem
with my gingerbread house.

17
00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,388
{\an8}You mean your gingerbread McMansion.

18
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,724
(whirring)

19
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,267
Hey, show some respect.

20
00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:02,145
Three gingerbread workmen
died making that.

21
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,648
{\an8}I'm sorry,
but this leg's gonna have to go.

22
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,611
{\an8}You're gonna be okay.

23
00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:11,905
{\an8}It's almost over.

24
00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,907
{\an8}Now to take care of the witnesses.

25
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,786
{\an8}Hey, I need those cookies for Santa.

26
00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:22,248
{\an8}At least someone around here's
got the Christmas spirit.

27
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,375
{\an8}Yep. Come midnight,
I'll be sitting here

28
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:28,171
{\an8}with cold cookies,
warm milk, and hot lead.

29
00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:29,881
{\an8}-What?
-For the last three years,

30
00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:32,842
{\an8}I've asked that rosy-cheeked
nog-hog for a dirt bike,

31
00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,220
{\an8}and all he brought me
was a zillion lame-o toys

32
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,847
{\an8}that I immediately broke
and threw in this bag.

33
00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:40,975
{\an8}(screeches)

34
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,311
{\an8}But you wanted those toys.

35
00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:45,522
{\an8}I wanted them till I got them.

36
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:49,317
{\an8}But this year, I'm gettin' my dirt bike.

37
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,904
{\an8}Even Mac Davis himself
couldn't save this Christmas.

38
00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:55,365
{\an8}Great, Mom.
Now I lost track of my pump count.

39
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:56,908
{\an8}One pump, two pump...

40
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,077
(frustrated groan)

41
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,538
(clattering)

42
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:09,546
Bowl full of jelly,
pump lead in his belly...

43
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,714
(clock ticking, chimes)

44
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:14,342
-(train whistle blows)
-What?

45
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:17,846
{\an8}All aboard the Polar Express!

46
00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,472
{\an8}Direct service to the North Pole,

47
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,474
{\an8}with stops at Candy Cane Corners,

48
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:24,519
{\an8}Sugarplum Square, Jack Frost Junction,

49
00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:26,020
{\an8}Fa-La-La-La Lane,

50
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,690
{\an8}Nutcracker Street, and Hanukkah Heights.

51
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,692
{\an8}Some "express."

52
00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:33,903
{\an8}(Bart gasps) We're flying!

53
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,947
{\an8}Yep, she'll fly, all right.

54
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:37,365
{\an8}You just got to keep her happy.

55
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:41,744
(inhaling deeply)

56
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,080
(psychedelic rock melody plays)

57
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:55,300
<i>♪ Strange days have found us ♪</i>

58
00:02:57,552 --> 00:03:00,430
<i>♪ Strange days ♪</i>

59
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:04,684
<i>♪ Have tracked us down ♪</i>

60
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,898
{\an8}Excuse me, Mr. Goblin?

61
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,941
{\an8}Elf! I'm an elf! (growling)

62
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,944
{\an8}Whatever you say.
Um, look, how do I get to Santa?

63
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,114
Oh, no.
Only the top elves get to meet Santa.

64
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,782
You start in the wrapping room.

65
00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,367
That'll take you right down.

66
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:23,620
(Bart laughing)

67
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:24,829
Wh-What are you doin'?

68
00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,206
That leads to the daycare center.

69
00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:27,790
You take the freight elevator.

70
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,217
(elevator bell dings)

71
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:42,055
Isn't this the busy season?

72
00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:44,766
{\an8}-Where is everybody?
-Laid off.

73
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:47,894
{\an8}After NAFTA, a lot of these jobs
went to the South Pole.

74
00:03:47,977 --> 00:03:49,896
{\an8}Well, who needs wrapping paper, anyway?

75
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:52,023
{\an8}Just stick a bow on the toy
and you're ready to go.

76
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:55,235
{\an8}Bow, bow, bow, bow, bing, bang, boom!

77
00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,403
{\an8}Ooh. You are clearly too smart

78
00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,197
{\an8}to be down here with these dingle-bells.

79
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,658
{\an8}I'm promotin' you to Toy Inspector.

80
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,451
{\an8}Uh, the rest of youse, you're laid off.

81
00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:04,744
{\an8}Scram.

82
00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:06,537
{\an8}I can't lose my health insurance.

83
00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,998
{\an8}My lungs are full of candy cane dust!

84
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,083
(coughing)

85
00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,710
Hey, you twos can go work
for the Easter Bunny.

86
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,337
Oh that's right.

87
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,422
He ain't real. (chuckles)

88
00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:29,185
Kid, you got a lot of shoddy,
money-saving ideas.

89
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,938
Like a major airline,
but you were here on time.

90
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:33,398
Come with me.

91
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,401
(elevator bell dings)

92
00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:41,489
(playing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" )

93
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,032
So you're the brown-nosed reindeer

94
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,867
that's jingled all the way to the top.

95
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,536
Just point me to Santa.

96
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,705
Oh, I know what you're after--

97
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,581
the toy you never got.

98
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,375
You're out of your elfin' mind.

99
00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,919
Oh, really?
Well, let me ask you this.

100
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:58,339
How many kids bring a gun
to meet Santa?

101
00:04:58,423 --> 00:04:59,882
Okay. You got me.

102
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,093
And I'm gettin' my dirt bike.
And you can't stop me.

103
00:05:02,176 --> 00:05:04,053
Security!

104
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,773
(sighs)

105
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,447
No disrespect, fat man,

106
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,074
but you'd better poop out a dirt bike.

107
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,367
Close the door, boy.

108
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,745
I can't afford to heat
the whole North Pole!

109
00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:33,666
Listen here, Kringle.

110
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,126
I may have been naughty this year.

111
00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:37,462
But by today's standards,
naughty's nothing.

112
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:38,838
I didn't get anybody pregnant.

113
00:05:38,921 --> 00:05:40,214
I didn't Facebook a kid to death.

114
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,716
Make with my dirt bike!

115
00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:43,801
Kid, this company's bust.

116
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,970
For years I've been giving out free toys

117
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,638
and getting cookies in return.

118
00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,475
It's not a sustainable business model.

119
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:53,186
Oh, come on, man.
Things aren't that bad.

120
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,937
They're pretty bad.

121
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,690
I'm eating my own reindeer here!

122
00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:00,109
Oh... you win.

123
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,779
(chuckling) That's a good boy.

124
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:05,615
You go home now, and maybe
there'll be a nice pair

125
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:08,034
of work socks under your tree.

126
00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:10,661
You don't have to do that.
I have socks.

127
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,539
-I'll give you socks!
-Thanks, kid.

128
00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:15,124
Now you better head home.

129
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,835
I'm sure in the 25 years of
Earth time you've been gone,

130
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,796
your parents have gotten worried.

131
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,049
Kids never change.

132
00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,343
Always dumb as potatoes.

133
00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:26,386
("Christmas in Hollis" begins)

134
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,304
<i>♪ It was December 24th,</i>
<i>on Hollis Ave in the dark ♪</i>

135
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,890
<i>♪ When I seen a man chillin'</i>
<i>with his dog at the park ♪</i>

136
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,267
<i>♪ I approached him very slowly,</i>
<i>with my heart full of fear ♪</i>

137
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,978
<i>♪ Looked at his dog--</i>
<i>oh, my God!-- an ill reindeer! ♪</i>

138
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,439
<i>♪ But then I was illin'</i>
<i>'cause the man had a beard ♪</i>

139
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:41,067
<i>♪ And a bag full of goodies,</i>
<i>12:00 had neared ♪</i>

140
00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:42,693
<i>♪ So I turned my head</i>
<i>a second and the man... ♪</i>

141
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,570
(train chugging)

142
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,739
-(siren wailing)
-CHIEF WIGGUM: Pull over!

143
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:50,284
Hey, kid, you ever wanted
a train for Christmas?

144
00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:51,786
This one's yours.

145
00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:53,496
(screaming)

146
00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:05,258
Why can't they leave a poor tree
in the woods where it belongs?

147
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:11,389
<i>♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪</i>

148
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:16,436
<i>♪ If only in my dreams ♪</i>

149
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,104
<i>MAN (on radio):</i>
<i>Hey, hey, that song goes out</i>

150
00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:19,897
<i>to all the GIs overseas</i>

151
00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,442
<i>and all the folks</i>
<i>missing 'em here at home.</i>

152
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:25,278
<i>Brought to you by Chesterton cigarettes.</i>

153
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:28,698
<i>Chesterton-- they feel like me,</i>
<i>singing in your throat.</i>

154
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,241
Can it really be Christmas

155
00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:32,869
when one of our parents
is facing the German army?

156
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:34,912
Simpson, get your helmet on.

157
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:36,247
I'm trying.

158
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:38,416
It just keeps popping off.

159
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,169
<i>Ach du lieber!</i>

160
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,503
(yelling)

161
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,464
You can make it through this, Marge.

162
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,382
Just think of Homer.

163
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:54,849
Hey, Simpson.

164
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:57,894
How come you ain't in combat
like a real man?

165
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,146
I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

166
00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:01,481
(laughter)

167
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,734
Kids, remember when
I promised to feed us

168
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,110
from that victory garden?

169
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:08,070
Well, instead, I grew this tree.

170
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,531
Don't dare bring that thing in here.

171
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,742
What? You don't want a Christmas tree?

172
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:13,910
That's crazy.

173
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:15,828
Next you won't want a Christmas ham.

174
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,288
Don't worry about that.

175
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:20,124
I love meat, and I always will.

176
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,667
Mm-mm!

177
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,128
That is some sweet pig meat.

178
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,797
But as for Christmas trees,
I used to love them,

179
00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,591
until last year...

180
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,054
This tree reminds me of your father.

181
00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:35,306
It's round in the middle,
thinning on top,

182
00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:38,351
and your hands get sticky
when you touch it.

183
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:40,436
Simpson, you're shipping out tonight.

184
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,313
Right before Christmas?

185
00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:44,774
Hitler doesn't take a holiday.

186
00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,692
Well, he does,
but he doesn't tell people

187
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:49,278
till the last minute,
so they can't make plans.

188
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,864
-Bastard.
-MARGE: But I... oh...

189
00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:00,414
So I never want to see
another Christmas tree

190
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,042
until Mom comes back, safe and sound.

191
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,086
(sniffs and sobs)

192
00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:06,879
Sweetie, if your mother was in trouble,

193
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,048
they'd tell us as soon as they could.

194
00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:10,758
-MAN: Telegram!
-D'oh!

195
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:15,972
Marge is Mia?

196
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,682
Oh, my God!

197
00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:19,559
She changed her name!

198
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:22,812
No, that says she's missing in action.

199
00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,231
(sobbing) Oh, no!

200
00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:26,482
See?

201
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,027
Every time we get a tree,
Mom disappears.

202
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:32,363
Why couldn't it have been me?

203
00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:34,365
It still could be.
You just have to go down to

204
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:36,409
-the recruiting station and--
-Shut up.

205
00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,036
(sniffling)

206
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,873
(sniffling)

207
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,377
Huh?

208
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,091
(gasps) Oh, no!

209
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,302
This is where they took Mom from me.

210
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,097
(screams)

211
00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,558
(ominous tone)
I've been waiting for you.

212
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:04,353
(cheerful voice)
Your mom paid for this tree last year,

213
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,605
but never took it.

214
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,189
I've watered it, kept it fresh,

215
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,859
and every time
I look at this blue spruce,

216
00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:11,736
it reminds me of your good old mom.

217
00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:13,779
Here, let me trim it for you.

218
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,159
And decorate it a little.

219
00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,872
It's a sign. Mom's okay.

220
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:25,541
Thank you.

221
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,753
Yeah. My only sale all year
and it's not even a sale.

222
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,340
Whose turn is it to cry?

223
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:33,549
Yours.

224
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,302
(wailing, sobbing)

225
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,387
Quit your bellyaching about Marge

226
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,139
and let me read the paper.

227
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:41,515
{\an8}HOMER:
(gasps) Look at that picture!

228
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,726
(both sobbing, wailing)

229
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,189
Oh, for cryin' out loud.

230
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:52,318
-Huh?
-(grunts)

231
00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:54,236
I thought you said
you didn't want a tree.

232
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,198
Yes, but then I learned
that there's always hope.

233
00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:59,450
Someday this war will be over.

234
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,577
Someday our mom will be back.

235
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:05,581
Someday TV will be invented,
and it will be free.

236
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,916
Then it will cost money.

237
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,001
But until then, this tree will stand

238
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,753
for everything Mom believes in--

239
00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:14,340
home, family,
and constantly sweeping up needles.

240
00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:18,469
♪ <i>O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum</i> ♪

241
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:22,515
<i>ALL: ♪ Wie treu sind deine blätter ♪</i>

242
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,517
♪ <i>Du grünst nicht nur</i> ♪

243
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,310
<i>♪ Zur sommerzeit ♪</i>

244
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,897
{\an8}<i>♪ Nein auch im winter, wenn es schneit ♪</i>

245
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:56,298
{\an8}<i>I pooped my tights.</i>

246
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,989
-(machine gun firing)
-(laughter)

247
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:22,992
(gasps)

248
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:26,912
<i>Nein, nein,</i>
why did I go to the 9:00 show?!

249
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,790
<i>Das ist Hitler.</i>

250
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,167
(machine gun fires)

251
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:37,131
<i>Auf Wiedersehen.</i>

252
00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,260
This is the last time
I bring these two to bed

253
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:43,095
at the same time.

254
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,393
-(Homer snoring)
<i>-MARGE: I've always believed</i>

255
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,812
<i>in you even when others didn't.</i>

256
00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,482
<i>Can you help save our family Christmas?</i>

257
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,525
<i>Marge Simpson.</i>

258
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,616
(Marge gasps)

259
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:08,913
(postman yelling)

260
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,678
Marge Simpson, I'm on my way.

261
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,228
Wake up, Marge.

262
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,396
Magical memories don't make themselves.

263
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,357
Martha Stewart!

264
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,108
How did you get in here?

265
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,819
A picket fence stood on its end

266
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,654
makes a sturdy and attractive ladder.

267
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,155
Now let's make that bed.

268
00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:55,042
A smattering of pinecones.

269
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,377
And with a little bit of work,

270
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:58,921
this wedding dress
can make a great dust ruffle.

271
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:02,383
{\an8}B-But I was gonna-- oh... Ooh!

272
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,264
So this stuff will just shampoo out, huh?

273
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,015
Why would you want to shampoo it out?

274
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,351
(Bart and Milhouse laughing)

275
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,478
Me and Milhouse had a snowball fight,

276
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,939
then an ice-ball fight,
then a fight-fight.

277
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,608
You boys want to play soldier?

278
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:22,778
I can't think of a better way
to spend Jesus's birthday.

279
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,573
Huh?

280
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,912
I'm not sure I like where this is going.

281
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,415
Well, I'm not sure anyone
asked your opinion.

282
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,173
(both grunting with effort)

283
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,680
Squeeze your shoulder blades together.

284
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,516
Now march,
and after an hour you can relax

285
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,143
with some hand-shaved hot cocoa

286
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:57,146
and a trial subscription
to <i>Martha Stewart Living.</i>

287
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,772
BOTH: (muffled) Yay!

288
00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:01,108
(hums "March of the Toy Soldiers"
from <i>The Nutcracker)</i>

289
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:02,651
-And out.
-Ms. Stewart,

290
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:06,405
I made a star for the tree
out of discarded water bottles.

291
00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,490
Lovely, dear,
except I would have soaked

292
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:09,909
the labels off with warm water.

293
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,619
Then I would have
melted the plastic down

294
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:14,330
in the double boiler
and poured it into a candy mold.

295
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:17,666
And finally, I wouldn't have
presented it quite so proudly.

296
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,835
I'll go outside and make snow angels.

297
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,087
Lie face down and your beautiful smile

298
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,714
will be molded into the snow.

299
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:26,008
Okay.

300
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:34,266
(Homer snoring)

301
00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:38,062
Now this is a challenge.

302
00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:40,564
(orchestral instrumental of
"Carol of the Bells" playing)

303
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,025
(whistle blows)

304
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,113
There, a slumbering hubby

305
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,491
is now a traditional Christmas tableau.

306
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:52,743
Copyright Martha Stewart.

307
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:55,079
(Homer muttering groggily)

308
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:56,372
He's starting to wake up.

309
00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,082
A little of my Hubby's Holiday Helper

310
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:00,459
will calm him right down.

311
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,544
(concerned sigh)

312
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,463
{\an8}Don't worry, Marge, it's a good thing.

313
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,674
{\an8}-(anxious wailing)
-There, there.

314
00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:09,134
{\an8}-Shh...
-(sighs)

315
00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:13,055
Martha, the house looks beautiful.

316
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:15,975
It's like Christmas
with a childless gay couple.

317
00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,476
But it's just not the same

318
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,853
without my family being themselves.

319
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:22,106
Well, thanks for wasting my time.

320
00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:23,774
I'll just wave my magic wand

321
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:25,734
and turn everything back
the way it was.

322
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,487
-You have a magic wand?
-Yes, I made it myself.

323
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,948
Take an old car antenna,
marinate it overnight

324
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:32,992
in the tears of
a heartbroken leprechaun,

325
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,577
bake at 350 till a rainbow
shoots out of the oven,

326
00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,579
and there you go.

327
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:42,543
I guess I'll never have
a perfect Christmas.

328
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,420
Merry Christmas, Mom!

329
00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:46,171
We brought you breakfast in bed.

330
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:49,341
Now we just have to make it.

331
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,344
<i>♪ It's beginning to look a lot like ♪</i>

332
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,846
<i>♪ Breakfast ♪</i>

333
00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:57,307
<i>♪ Everywhere you go ♪</i>

334
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,934
<i>♪ You'll be oh so pleased ♪</i>

335
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,853
<i>♪ When the OJ is freshly squeezed ♪</i>

336
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:04,189
<i>♪ And the toast is made</i>
<i>from homemade-- d'oh! ♪</i>

337
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,984
<i>♪ We're gonna go out for breakfast ♪</i>

338
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:09,820
<i>♪ We'll go out to eat ♪</i>

339
00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:13,782
<i>♪ It'll be any place you choose,</i>
<i>as long as it's run by Jews ♪</i>

340
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:20,622
<i>♪ 'Cause they don't think</i>
<i>this holiday's so great ♪</i>

341
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:27,004
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
playing)

342
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:32,718
<i>♪ Aloha'oe, aloha'oe ♪</i>

343
00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,219
(audience cheers, applauds)

344
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,346
Hurry up, kids.
We got to get to the airport.

345
00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:38,057
Did you get a good house sitter?

346
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,559
Moe Szyslak, house sitter extraordinaire.

347
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:41,727
(audience booing)

348
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,771
Sticks and stones may break my bones...

349
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,189
Ow! Hey, stop it!

350
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:47,191
{\an8}Ooh, cookies!

351
00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:48,776
{\an8}(chewing noisily)

352
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,238
Great at the chewing,
not so hot at the swallowing.

353
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,866
{\an8}Now, remember, pack only necessities.

354
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,701
{\an8}Mm-hmm.

355
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:01,663
(Homer laughs like Kermit the Frog)

356
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,040
Hey, baby, it's Moe.

357
00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:04,875
Calling youse
from my new bachelor pad

358
00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:07,920
-at 742 Evergreen Terrace.
-(audience cheers)

359
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,339
Yeah, okay, sugar plum,
I'll see you soon.

360
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,175
Hey, get this off. Hey, get this off!

361
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,844
-(Velcro crackles)
-(grunts, chuckles)

362
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:19,014
Now nothing stands
between us and sunny Hawa...

363
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,390
BURNS: Merry Humbug, everyone.

364
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,017
Ay-yi-yi-yi!

365
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,435
What's wrong, Homie?

366
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,562
I got the week off by telling Mr. Burns

367
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,147
I had a neck injury.

368
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,566
(audience oohs)

369
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,568
Mr. Burns, why'd you come to see me?

370
00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:35,239
Well, last night,
I had a visit from three spirits.

371
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:38,200
I wish this show had a visit
from three new writers.

372
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,077
(both laugh)

373
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,162
But wait, what's this?

374
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,414
Carpetbags and portmanteaus?

375
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:46,166
Going somewhere, Simpson?

376
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,210
Uh, uh...

377
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:52,339
Hey, guys, you'll need this
on your trip to Hawai-- aah!

378
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,550
Hmm, your goblin fainted.

379
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,009
Not a goblin.

380
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,886
Simpson, where's your Christmas tree?

381
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,471
-(doorbell rings)
-Coming!

382
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:02,057
FLANDERS:
Homer, give me back my tree!

383
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:05,185
(both grunting)

384
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,980
-(fabric ripping)
-(Flanders screams)

385
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,898
(audience laughs)

386
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,028
Well, I won't interrupt
your holiday any longer.

387
00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,447
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good--

388
00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:20,868
(gasps) Pop star/fashionista Katy Perry?!

389
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:22,953
(audience cheers, applauds)

390
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:27,666
What are you people doing in
my boyfriend Moe's bachelor pad?

391
00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:29,209
(gasps)

392
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,795
That's right, she's into puppets.

393
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,797
Just what's going on here?

394
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,757
Fine, I'll come clean.

395
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:39,052
(gasps) It's a Christmas miraculum.

396
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,846
No, it's not.

397
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:43,891
I just told a lie
so we could go to Hawaii.

398
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,601
You lied to me.

399
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,728
Release the hounds.

400
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:49,897
(hounds barking)

401
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:52,900
(barking stops)

402
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,277
Oh, they'll be here any minute.

403
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:01,867
{\an8}-We, uh, blew the budget on Katy Perry.
-(groans)

404
00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:04,119
Someone totally needs a hug.

405
00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:09,750
I kissed a girl, and I liked it.

406
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,546
{\an8}All is forgiven, Simpsons.

407
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,341
{\an8}Go and enjoy "Ha-vah-ee."

408
00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,051
{\an8}(cheering)

409
00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:21,720
{\an8}Just as soon as we sing
one Christmas carol.

410
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:25,349
{\an8}Oh, man, not the lame-o
"12 Days of Christmas."

411
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:26,600
{\an8}Of course not.

412
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,101
{\an8}I want to sing the original,

413
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,062
{\an8}unabridged "39 Days Of Christmas."

414
00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:31,897
{\an8}And-a one and-a two...

415
00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,649
{\an8}("12 Days of Christmas" intro begins)

416
00:20:35,984 --> 00:20:37,778
{\an8}<i>♪ 39 fops a-fopping ♪</i>

417
00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:39,238
<i>♪ 38 fishwives hawking ♪</i>

418
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,697
<i>♪ 37 coopers cooping ♪</i>

419
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,199
<i>♪ 36 bootblacks buffing ♪</i>

420
00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:43,700
<i>♪ 35 buskers busking ♪</i>

421
00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,202
<i>♪ 34 something something ♪</i>

422
00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:46,828
<i>♪ 33 alchemists transmuting ♪</i>

423
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,205
<i>♪ 32 Dutchmen plotting ♪</i>

424
00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,706
<i>♪ 31 doctors leeching ♪</i>

425
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:53,585
<i>♪ 30-year average lifespan ♪</i>

426
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,045
<i>ANNOUNCER: Tonight's </i>Simpsons <i>episode</i>

427
00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,089
<i>was brought to you by the symbol umlaut</i>

428
00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:58,590
<i>and the number "e".</i>

429
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,676
<i>Not the letter "E", but the number</i>

430
00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:03,762
<i>whose exponential function</i>
<i>is the derivative of itself.</i>

431
00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:06,974
{\an8}Well, it's been a long run,
but I think this'll kill it.

432
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,684
{\an8}What, <i>The Simpsons?</i>

433
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,102
{\an8}No, Christmas.

434
00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:11,603
{\an8}(both laugh)

435
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:14,523
{\an8}(all singing)

436
00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:16,024
{\an8}<i>BART: We did that one already.</i>

437
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,526
{\an8}<i>HOMER: Shh.</i>

438
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:19,319
{\an8}(all singing continues)

439
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,090
{\an8}(all gasping for breath)

440
00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:45,470
{\an8}(grunting)

441
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,764
{\an8}I-I'll just kiss your belly button.

442
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,099
{\an8}(kisses)

443
00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:51,643
{\an8}Oh, uh, that's not my belly button.

444
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:53,395
{\an8}<i>But I didn't say stop.</i>

445
00:21:56,648 --> 00:22:00,068
{\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay