1 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,214 -CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ -(jabbers nonsense) 2 00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:08,299 {\an8}(theme music playing) 3 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,553 (gasps) 4 00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:18,810 (school bell ringing) 5 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,022 (Barney belches) 6 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,191 -(whistle blows) -(yells) 7 00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:31,406 (beeping) 8 00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:38,830 (playing the blues) 9 00:00:39,956 --> 00:00:41,916 (playing the blues) 10 00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:44,919 (tires screeching) 11 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,714 D'oh! 12 00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:50,425 -(tires screeching) -(grunts) 13 00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:54,596 (grunts) 14 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:04,773 The Queen will be held without bail 15 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:07,275 until the sample is returned from the lab. 16 00:01:07,358 --> 00:01:10,570 And now it's time for "That's Kent-ertainment!" 17 00:01:10,653 --> 00:01:12,405 (music playing) 18 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,211 Here's a story that gives new meaning 19 00:01:26,294 --> 00:01:27,879 to the words "puff piece." 20 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:30,298 Springfield natives Cheech and Chong 21 00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:33,134 are returning in triumph for a reunion show. 22 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:35,470 {\an8}Cheech and Chong are coming back to Springfield? 23 00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:37,639 {\an8}Cheech and Chong are from Springfield? 24 00:01:37,722 --> 00:01:39,974 {\an8}Lucy and Desi are getting a divorce? 25 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:42,185 {\an8}BROCKMAN: Before they formed their "joint" partnership, 26 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:43,853 {\an8}Tommy Chong and Richard "Cheech" Marin 27 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,481 {\an8}briefly worked as Channel 6 meteorologists. 28 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:48,233 {\an8}Tomorrow, a high-pressure front 29 00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:50,902 {\an8}brings a strong possibility of drizzle. 30 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:54,072 BROCKMAN: Then, the doobie of destiny changed their lives forever, 31 00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:55,865 when police burned marijuana seized 32 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,368 from the Buddy Rich Orchestra in a nearby lot. 33 00:01:59,410 --> 00:02:02,705 (coughs) So, you know, uh, check your barometer, 34 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,916 thermometer, anemometer... 35 00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:07,210 Why does everything have to have an "ometer" on it? 36 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:09,045 And what is rain, man? 37 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,256 It's like we're in the apartment under God 38 00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,967 and his fat sister overflowed the tub. 39 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,260 (both chuckling) 40 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:18,054 The duo's herbal ha-has led to a series 41 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:22,308 of successful albums, concerts, movies, and Nash Bridges. 42 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,894 Now these homegrown heroes 43 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:28,106 will kick off their summer tour at Squidport's new amphitheater, 44 00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:31,734 the Clamphitheater, the $800 million boondoggle 45 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,821 based on nothing more than a cute play on words. 46 00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,948 {\an8}Who the hell are Cheech and Chong? 47 00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:39,075 {\an8}(gasps) Bart, Cheech and Chong 48 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,244 {\an8}were the Beavis and Butthead of their day. 49 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:42,704 {\an8}Who are Beavis and Butthead? 50 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:45,540 {\an8}(sobs) I've failed as a parent. 51 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,625 {\an8}I swore the day my son was born 52 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,711 {\an8}he would appreciate stoner comedy. 53 00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:50,962 {\an8}To the media room! 54 00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:52,881 {\an8}CHONG (on record): Open up. It's the police. 55 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,175 {\an8}CHEECH: Oh, man. I got to get rid of my grass. 56 00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:56,426 {\an8}(toilet flushing) 57 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,927 {\an8}(laughing) 58 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:01,556 {\an8}He's flushing his pot down the toilet-- unnecessarily! 59 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,267 {\an8}(laughs, sighs) 60 00:03:04,350 --> 00:03:07,645 {\an8}Back then, we'd play these albums again and again 61 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:11,149 {\an8}till they were filled with skips and clicks and pops. 62 00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:12,901 {\an8}Which was about three times. 63 00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,611 {\an8}These are comedy albums? 64 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,654 (Lisa reading titles) 65 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:26,789 {\an8}MARGE: What are you guys doing up there? 66 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:28,124 {\an8}(gasps) Hide the dope! 67 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,292 {\an8}We don't have any dope. 68 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,045 {\an8}Then what did I just smoke? (screams) 69 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,345 {\an8}Lou, I want you to confiscate these brownies. 70 00:03:40,428 --> 00:03:41,930 {\an8}There's no drugs in these brownies. 71 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,723 {\an8}I said "confiscate"! 72 00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:47,352 {\an8}Uh, also confiscate me a T-shirt, uh, triple-XL. 73 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:50,480 {\an8}I thought you said double-XL was a real wake-up call. 74 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,065 {\an8}That was for pants. 75 00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:54,400 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown. 76 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:55,652 {\an8}Thank you. 77 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,570 {\an8}When they asked me to introduce Cheech and Chong, 78 00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,280 {\an8}I said, "How much?" 79 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,741 {\an8}And they said, "We don't pay for introductions." 80 00:04:01,824 --> 00:04:05,370 {\an8}So I said, "Then I don't need this crummy gig." 81 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:07,538 {\an8}And they said, "Yes, you do." 82 00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:10,500 {\an8}And I said, "Ladies and gentlemen, Cheech and Chong!" 83 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,001 {\an8}(applause and cheering) 84 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,211 {\an8}(knocking) 85 00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:15,338 {\an8}-Who is it? -It's me, Dave, man. 86 00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:17,340 {\an8}Open up. I got the stuff. 87 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,133 {\an8}(gasps) I thought they'd do bits, 88 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,094 {\an8}but their most famous bit? 89 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,346 {\an8}Will you open up? I got the stuff with me. 90 00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,807 {\an8}Ooh, he's gonna say "Dave's not here." 91 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:28,726 Dave's not here! Dave's not here! 92 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:32,105 ALL (chanting): Dave's not here! Dave's not here! 93 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,649 -Say the line, man. -They already know the line. 94 00:04:34,732 --> 00:04:37,193 What's the surprise? What's the point? 95 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,446 The point is they still give us a shoebox full of 20s to do this. 96 00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:42,240 Now, say it. 97 00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:43,866 Dave's not... 98 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,286 Dave's not gonna sell out anymore, man. 99 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,037 I-I can't say it. 100 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,039 (crowd gasping) 101 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,916 What are you doing, man?! 102 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,711 What am I doing? What am I-- I'm experimenting, man. 103 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,879 I'm growing as an artist, okay? 104 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,965 That's not the Cheech and Chong brand. 105 00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:02,051 Brand? Brand? I'm a 72-year-old man. 106 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,304 I've eaten eggs every which way they cook 'em. 107 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,139 I can't play it safe anymore. 108 00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:09,267 Look, these people paid good money to see "Dave's not here." 109 00:05:09,350 --> 00:05:11,060 You owe them "Dave's not here." 110 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,687 Well, how about this? 111 00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:15,648 Chong's not here, man. 112 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,653 -(crowd grumbling) -Oh, no. 113 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,740 Chong is refusing to fall back on his old catchphrases. 114 00:05:23,823 --> 00:05:25,074 Ay, caramba. 115 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,993 (crowd murmuring angrily) 116 00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:30,079 Homie, you know all the bits. Maybe you could help him. 117 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,457 I can't do reefer comedy. I'm drunk. 118 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:33,791 Two different animals. 119 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,252 Homer Simpson, that man's albums 120 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,463 have given you decades of entertainment 121 00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:41,424 and seen you through some very square times. 122 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:42,592 Help him. 123 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,053 (crowd murmuring in agreement) 124 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,812 Dave's not here, man. 125 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,856 (cheering, laughter) 126 00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:02,070 No, man, I'm Dave. 127 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,781 -D-A-V-E. -Dave? 128 00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:06,616 That's right. Now open up the door. 129 00:06:06,699 --> 00:06:08,785 Dave's not here, man. 130 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,119 (laughter) 131 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:13,873 (laughs) 132 00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:15,291 (laughter continues) 133 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,043 You find this funny, sir? 134 00:06:17,126 --> 00:06:19,962 Just because it's too hip for you, Smithers... 135 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,006 (jaunty music playing) 136 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:27,387 HOMER: I'll give Dave your message. 137 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:30,056 I don't find this funny at all. 138 00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:33,976 My time being wasted was not wasted. 139 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,478 (cheering) 140 00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:38,231 Hey, man, you're all right. 141 00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:40,316 How'd you like to be the new Chong? 142 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,442 Yes. 143 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,653 -Will I get to meet Dave? -There is no Dave. 144 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:46,656 -How about Don Johnson? -It would be easier to meet Dave. 145 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:54,080 (smooches) It is so cool for you 146 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:56,124 to let me go on tour with Cheech. 147 00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,334 And remember, on the road, 148 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,045 the only vice you can indulge in is gluttony. 149 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:04,048 Save lust and rage for me and the kids. 150 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,967 Sweetie, don't worry. 151 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:08,970 I'm gonna come back so horny and angry. 152 00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,388 Aw... 153 00:07:10,471 --> 00:07:13,307 {\an8}I can't believe I'm riding around in Cheech's van. 154 00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:16,561 -The van made of weed. -It's not made of weed. 155 00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,188 Oh. What's it made of? Hash? 'Shrooms? 156 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,233 Lysergic acid diethylamide? 157 00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:24,986 No. The van is just made of van. 158 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:26,821 -Oh... -Look, Homer, 159 00:07:26,904 --> 00:07:29,157 I really need you to be on your game, you know? 160 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,117 A lot of our fans have gone through rehab, 161 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,828 -so they're much more critical. -Don't worry, Cheech. 162 00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:36,622 I know all the classic bits of you and Chong. 163 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,416 Don't say that name. Now, you drive. 164 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:41,252 I have to go black out his face on some T-shirts with a Magic Marker. 165 00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:43,171 (gasps) Can we get high from the fumes? 166 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:44,755 No! 167 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:47,216 {\an8}(muttering indistinctly) 168 00:07:56,893 --> 00:08:00,021 Okay, man, what I'm looking for in a new Cheech 169 00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:03,733 is someone who is, like, open-minded and adventurous. 170 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,110 I haven't decided about the mustache yet, 171 00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:08,112 but you need your own suspenders. 172 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,614 Snap, snap. 173 00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:11,741 Our friendship died with the first snap, 174 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:14,327 and you buried it with the second. 175 00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:16,787 You ever notice how your nose makes boogers? 176 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,331 What's up with that? 177 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,166 Uh, next? 178 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,044 (high-pitched voice) I can't pay the rent. 179 00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:24,378 (low voice) You must pay the rent. 180 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,130 (high-pitched voice) I can't pay the rent. 181 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,465 (low voice) You must pay the rent. 182 00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:29,258 (normal voice) I'll pay the rent. 183 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,551 (high-pitched voice) My hero. 184 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:33,387 (normal voice) Aw, who am I kidding? I don't got the money. 185 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:35,306 (groans) Next. 186 00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:37,308 (speaking indistinctly) 187 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:45,942 Zoom. 188 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:51,072 I am your substitute teacher, Sister Mary Elephant. 189 00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:54,784 Class, attention, attention. Class, class. 190 00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:56,494 Shut up. Thank you. 191 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,497 Uh, no, man. No routines from the old regime. 192 00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:02,166 Really? But Sister Mary's no-nonsense attitude 193 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,168 is what inspired me to become an educator. 194 00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,504 Just let your freak flag fly, man. 195 00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:10,091 Well, I guess as long as I fold it afterward and don't display it at night. 196 00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:13,594 Oh, perhaps I should improvise, or do an improv? 197 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,346 I want you to reinvent the wheel. 198 00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,557 No, de-invent the wheel. 199 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,768 No. "Re-unvent the whool." 200 00:09:20,851 --> 00:09:22,687 Oh, I'll get my prop trunk. 201 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:26,524 A lot of people have cell phones, but I like to eat healthy, 202 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,151 so I invented... the celery phone. 203 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,279 Hello? Hello? 204 00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:32,363 Wow. 205 00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:35,074 You are the un-funniest man I've ever seen. 206 00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:38,619 Which means, teaming up with you would be totally pushing the envelope. 207 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,622 Mother, how did you get this number? It's a prop phone. 208 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,541 Yes, I have your celery. 209 00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:45,835 I took the limpest stalk there was. 210 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:49,005 Stop it. Stop riffing. The gig is yours. 211 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:54,260 Time to finally return your father's overdue movies. 212 00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:57,013 Is it really okay to just drop them into the pit 213 00:09:57,096 --> 00:09:58,598 where the Blockbuster used to be? 214 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:00,016 Got a better idea? 215 00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,852 -(cat meows) -(barking) 216 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,107 (doorbell rings) 217 00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:10,610 (shouting incoherently) 218 00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,821 Um, hello. I'm Marge Simpson. 219 00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:16,282 I think I've given you money a couple of times. 220 00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:17,950 (muttering incoherently) 221 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,494 No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want the money back. 222 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,163 I just came for my dog. 223 00:10:22,246 --> 00:10:23,789 -(mutters) -(both gasp) 224 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:25,374 (yowling) 225 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,001 (hisses) 226 00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,630 (meows) 227 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:33,049 Easter grass, CableACE Awards, 228 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,551 aquariums full of broken pinball game parts, 229 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,763 popped but uneaten Jiffy Pop still in the silver bubble, 230 00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:42,058 sample-sized shampoos, detergents and whiskeys, and... 231 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,685 I hate to say this about the Cat Lady, 232 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,562 but I think she's crazy. 233 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,272 She's a hoarder. 234 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,191 (muttering incoherently) 235 00:10:50,274 --> 00:10:52,902 This is so sad. Can we help her? 236 00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,862 We can. It'll be great. 237 00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:57,239 Like a reality show without the cameras. 238 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,241 You mean, just reality. 239 00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:00,951 Yeah, that's what you think. 240 00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,496 Cut, print, mail to NBC. 241 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:06,415 (laughs) 242 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,584 ("Low Rider" playing) 243 00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,087 ♪ Cheech and Chong have lost its Chong ♪ 244 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,756 ♪ I am the Chong now ♪ 245 00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:17,259 ♪ Take a little look, take a little look ♪ 246 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:21,055 ♪ Take a little look at me-e ♪ 247 00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:23,015 (laughs) That's funny, Homer. 248 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,934 Now we really have to work on the show. 249 00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:28,104 Oh, yeah, I get you-- "work on the show." 250 00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:30,606 Maybe we should start at 4:20, right? 251 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:32,525 (laughs) Marijuana reference! 252 00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,443 Yeah, I got it. 253 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,029 Listen, man, comedy is hard work. 254 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,615 Hard work? I thought this was gonna be fun. 255 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:40,783 It is fun! 256 00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,868 The fun is the knowledge that our audience gets 257 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,662 a good value for their hard-earned dollar! 258 00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:45,955 (music playing) 259 00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:49,917 ♪ Cheech is sure a lot less cool than I imagined ♪ 260 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,378 -Stop that! -♪ Better shut up ♪ 261 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,004 ♪ Cheech is really mad ♪ 262 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:58,050 ♪ I wish that I had gone with Cho-ong ♪ 263 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:04,181 Now, we've managed to preoccupy the Cat Lady 264 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,809 for the next few hours. 265 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:09,562 ♪ Memory ♪ 266 00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:13,983 ♪ All alone in the moonlight ♪ 267 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:19,071 ♪ I can smile at the old days ♪ 268 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:22,742 ♪ I was beautiful then... ♪ 269 00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:25,244 (sobbing) 270 00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:27,830 Ah, so beautiful! 271 00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,832 (sobbing) 272 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,126 (blowing nose) 273 00:12:32,209 --> 00:12:34,754 -(meowing) -(mewing) 274 00:12:34,837 --> 00:12:37,047 (Willie hums) 275 00:12:39,341 --> 00:12:41,969 Thank you, Marge. (yells, gasps) 276 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:44,930 Thank you for clearing the clutter from my house 277 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,682 and my mind. 278 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,185 (yells) 279 00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:53,022 Haul away, driver man! 280 00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:55,691 Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! 281 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:59,028 A perfectly good hot lather dispenser. 282 00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,113 I can't count the number of times 283 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,366 Homie's cried in anguish over his lukewarm lather. 284 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,787 Ooh, a pen from the Milwaukee Hilton! 285 00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:10,915 A phone answering machine from the '80s! 286 00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,251 -CAT LADY: ♪ Nobody's home ♪ -(beeps) 287 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,796 (gasps) All of J.D. Salinger's books, 288 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,672 except Catcher In The Rye! 289 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:21,175 (loud gasp) 290 00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:23,969 Used pizza protectors! 291 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:26,639 (hums, gasps) Ooh! 292 00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:27,932 (humming) 293 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:29,850 (gasps, humming) 294 00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:30,976 Ooh! 295 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:33,020 She's crazy, but I'd do her. 296 00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:35,022 {\an8}-Hey, Sister? Hey, Sister? -Class! 297 00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:36,899 -Class! -I got to go to the can, man. 298 00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:38,901 Shut up! 299 00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:42,196 (cheering and shouting) 300 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:46,534 You did all right, kid. 301 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:48,369 You earned a reward. 302 00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:49,995 Oh, yeah. 303 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,540 A reward from Cheech. 304 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:58,879 ♪ Yes, I am the victim of a Basketball Jones ♪ 305 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,507 ♪ Ever since I was a little baby ♪ 306 00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:03,676 ♪ I always be dribblin' ♪ 307 00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,135 ♪ In fact ♪ 308 00:14:05,219 --> 00:14:07,972 ♪ I was de baddest dribbler in the whole neighborhood ♪ 309 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:13,227 ♪ Then one day, my mama bought me a basketball ♪ 310 00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:16,063 ♪ And I loved that basketball ♪ 311 00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:19,859 ♪ I took that basketball with me everywhere I went ♪ 312 00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:23,779 ♪ That basketball was like a basketball to me ♪ 313 00:14:25,322 --> 00:14:28,659 ♪ I even put that basketball underneath my pillow ♪ 314 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:32,246 ♪ Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night ♪ 315 00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:35,416 ♪ I need help, ladies and gentlemens ♪ 316 00:14:35,499 --> 00:14:37,793 ♪ I need someone to stand beside me ♪ 317 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:41,255 ♪ I need, I need someone to set a pick for me ♪ 318 00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:43,507 ♪ At the free-throw line of life ♪ 319 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,926 ♪ Someone I can pass to ♪ 320 00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:48,846 ♪ Someone to hit the open man on the give-and-go ♪ 321 00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:51,599 ♪ And not end up in the popcorn machine ♪ 322 00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:53,434 ♪ So, cheerleaders, help me out ♪ 323 00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,186 CHEERLEADERS: ♪ Basketball Jones ♪ 324 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,439 ♪ I got a Basketball Jones ♪ 325 00:14:58,522 --> 00:15:01,025 -♪ Oh, that sounds so sweet ♪ -♪ I got a Basketball... ♪ 326 00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:02,776 -(grunting) -CHEECH: Homer? 327 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,361 -Homer! -Hmm? 328 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:05,988 Here's your reward. 329 00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,448 -What the...?! -Yeah. 330 00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:09,533 I'm taking you to a museum, man. 331 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:11,702 Chong and I used to come here all the time. 332 00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:15,789 Oh! Why aren't you exactly like your stage persona? 333 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:19,084 Now, Homer, this Viramontes image 334 00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:21,170 is an example of how Chicano poster art 335 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:24,048 preserves a culture ignored by Eurocentric society. 336 00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:26,926 Eurocentric! Oh! 337 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,969 When do we have wacky adventures? 338 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:30,721 Ah, that's just the movies, man. 339 00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,640 Can we at least get some French fries? 340 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,058 Too high in trans fats. 341 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,727 Stop speaking Spanish. 342 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,145 (crickets chirping) 343 00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:39,813 (microphone squeals) 344 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,108 CHONG (on microphone): Ladies and gentlemen, man. 345 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:46,612 Prepare for comedy that will murder your expectations 346 00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:48,864 and bury them in a sea of "what?" 347 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,158 with waves of "huh?" 348 00:15:51,241 --> 00:15:52,910 (jazz plays with discordant tones) 349 00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:56,080 I am Dave. 350 00:15:57,706 --> 00:16:00,167 Dave is here. Man. 351 00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:04,838 Skinner, this dessert menu is funnier than you. 352 00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:06,423 {\an8}(groans) 353 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:09,426 Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins. 354 00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:10,761 They're blank, Seymour. 355 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:14,014 Yes, but there are two "K" sounds in cocktail. 356 00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,433 Yes, there are. (chuckles) 357 00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:19,186 So, how was your first day of school? 358 00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,146 I met the new principal, Mr. Baumgartner. 359 00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:22,523 He seemed really cool. 360 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:25,275 When he walked through the gym, he shot a basket. 361 00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,236 (both gasp) 362 00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:46,964 Who has disturbed my tomb? 363 00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:49,216 Grampa, you're not dead. 364 00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:52,469 Well, wake me when I am. (snores) 365 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:54,304 I never thought I'd say this, 366 00:16:54,388 --> 00:16:57,474 but Dad is the only one who can help us. 367 00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,727 (phone vibrating) 368 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:01,478 Now, Homer, what did we agree 369 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,647 about personal phone calls during rehearsal time? 370 00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,733 (sighs) It's disrespectful 371 00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:08,360 to the high standards people have come to expect 372 00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:10,571 -from Cheech and Chunk. -That's right. 373 00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:13,073 Now let's take it from the part where we sniff each other's butts. 374 00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:15,200 -Yes, sir. -Come on, sniff! 375 00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,244 (Homer sniffing) 376 00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:20,414 That's a movie sniff. This is live theater. 377 00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:22,249 Now inhale, damn it. 378 00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,667 (Homer inhales loudly through nose) 379 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:27,504 I'm hearing it, but I'm not feeling it. 380 00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:29,339 (sniffing) Oh! 381 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,053 (tires squeal) 382 00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:37,431 Ugh! Okay, bus parked. Got to save Marge. 383 00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:40,476 (laughs) I can't believe the crazy house 384 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:42,811 would throw out all these forks. 385 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,730 (grunts) 386 00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:48,650 Marge, sweetie, do you know how low, low prices are insane? 387 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,195 Well, sometimes people can be, too. 388 00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:52,696 What are you talking about? 389 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,573 Marge, you saved me. 390 00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:56,158 Now I want to save you. 391 00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:58,118 I'm not a hoarder. 392 00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,412 Do the Yankees hoard pennants? 393 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,123 Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue? 394 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:06,919 Marge, Marge, what can one person honestly do with... 395 00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:10,297 filled-in mini golf score sheets? 396 00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:11,715 (loud muttering) 397 00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,592 European ketchup. 398 00:18:13,675 --> 00:18:15,260 (goofy muttering) 399 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:17,179 Rolls of "I voted" stickers. 400 00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:18,931 (crazy yelling) 401 00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:20,182 (gasps) 402 00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:22,976 Styrofoam shaped like old computers! 403 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,353 Oh! 404 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:25,896 (muttering) 405 00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:27,022 Give me! 406 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,273 (mutters) Oh, lookie, lookie! 407 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:29,858 -Oh! Ooh! Ooh! -But... 408 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,194 Don't look back, Marge. Don't look back. 409 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:35,614 Let's just leave the crazy woman alone in our house. 410 00:18:35,697 --> 00:18:38,367 You've got something more important to attend to. 411 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,619 (Tarzan-like screaming) 412 00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:45,207 -(cats mewing) -Uh, we'll deal with all that later. 413 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,669 (applause and cheering) 414 00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:50,712 (imitates car engine running and revving) 415 00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:56,426 (laughs) Hey, baby, want a ride? 416 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:57,511 Come on. 417 00:18:57,594 --> 00:19:01,098 If Art Garfunkel could forgive that untalented twerp Paul Simon, 418 00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:03,600 you can do this. 419 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,399 (cheering and applause) 420 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:12,693 Uh, uh, what'd you do with Chunk, man? 421 00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:14,570 He sent me out here, man. 422 00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:17,656 He's got this idea I'm unhappy with my new partner. 423 00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:20,325 I decided to put family over career. 424 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,412 You mean you put nothing over nothing. 425 00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:26,999 (loud whisper) Tell him how you feel. 426 00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:28,834 I feel super high. 427 00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:30,460 Yeah. Me, too. 428 00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:32,880 Come on! Surrender to the moment! 429 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,465 Don't make the mistake I always do 430 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,177 of thinking too much before you act! 431 00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:41,138 (grunts) 432 00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:42,890 (imitates engine revving and chugging) 433 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,726 I guess people do like the classic bits. 434 00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:50,022 You know, it's-- it's okay if you want to experiment a little, like... 435 00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:53,066 -Oh, Thomas! -Oh, Richard! 436 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:56,069 -(applause and cheering) -(Marge grunts) 437 00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,657 I'm sorry I mocked your lack of suspenders. 438 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,868 I guess I was just jealous of your belt. 439 00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:05,454 This belt has caused too many fights between us. 440 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:09,082 (tires squealing) 441 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,961 How now, mad spirits! 442 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:17,257 Before we part, 'tis I, mischievous and puckish Bart. 443 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,092 (wind whistling) 444 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,428 'Twas not I the players did disturb. 445 00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:24,723 'Twas the doings of a green and naughty herb. 446 00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,643 The gods have righted every wrong. 447 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:31,146 Cheech, the stoner, has his Chong. 448 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,565 And Homer-- he is back with Mom. 449 00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:36,235 You can watch this tomorrow at Hulu.com. 450 00:20:41,573 --> 00:20:43,283 {\an8}-(knocking) -CHONG: Who is it? 451 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,953 {\an8}CHEECH: It's me, Dave, man. Open up. I got the stuff! 452 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:47,204 {\an8}-Who? -Dave, man! 453 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:48,497 {\an8}CHONG: Dave's not here. 454 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,040 {\an8}HOMER: Hold on, let me get the door here. 455 00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,875 {\an8}-(door squeaks open) -HOMER: Who are you? 456 00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:53,835 {\an8}-CHEECH: It's Dave, man. -CHONG: You ruined it, man. 457 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,629 {\an8}You weren't supposed to open the door. 458 00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:57,214 {\an8}HOMER: Oh, okay, wait, let's start again. 459 00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:59,132 {\an8}-CHEECH: Close the door. -HOMER: I'll be out here with you, Dave. 460 00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:00,259 {\an8}(door closes) 461 00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:01,468 {\an8}-CHEECH: Hey, Homer? -HOMER: Yes? 462 00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:03,470 {\an8}-Why don't you go and get us some stuff? -Okay. I'll go get some stuff. 463 00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:04,846 {\an8}CHEECH: All right. Hurry. Way down there. 464 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,140 {\an8}Way, way, way far down there. 465 00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:08,308 {\an8}-HOMER: Way down here? -CHEECH: Yeah, way. 466 00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:09,685 {\an8}Keep going! Keep going! 467 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,687 {\an8}-Now turn the corner! Turn the corner! -Okay! 468 00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,063 {\an8}CHEECH: All right, keep going! 469 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:14,648 {\an8}HOMER (in distance): All right! 470 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:16,608 {\an8}-(knocking) -CHONG: Who is it? 471 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:18,485 {\an8}CHEECH: It's me, relieved. 472 00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:24,199 HOMER: Gee, sorry, Dave! 473 00:21:27,536 --> 00:21:29,955 {\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay