-CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ -(jabbers nonsense)
(theme music playing)
(gasps)
(school bell ringing)
(Barney belches)
-(whistle blows) -(yells)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
-(tires screeching) -(grunts)
(grunts)
The Queen will be held without bail
until the sample is returned from the lab.
And now it's time for "That's Kent-ertainment!"
(music playing)
Here's a story that gives new meaning
to the words "puff piece."
Springfield natives Cheech and Chong
are returning in triumph for a reunion show.
Cheech and Chong are coming back to Springfield?
Cheech and Chong are from Springfield?
Lucy and Desi are getting a divorce?
BROCKMAN: Before they formed their "joint" partnership,
Tommy Chong and Richard "Cheech" Marin
briefly worked as Channel 6 meteorologists.
Tomorrow, a high-pressure front
brings a strong possibility of drizzle.
BROCKMAN: Then, the doobie of destiny changed their lives forever,
when police burned marijuana seized
from the Buddy Rich Orchestra in a nearby lot.
(coughs) So, you know, uh, check your barometer,
thermometer, anemometer...
Why does everything have to have an "ometer" on it?
And what is rain, man?
It's like we're in the apartment under God
and his fat sister overflowed the tub.
(both chuckling)
The duo's herbal ha-has led to a series
of successful albums, concerts, movies, and Nash Bridges.
Now these homegrown heroes
will kick off their summer tour at Squidport's new amphitheater,
the Clamphitheater, the $800 million boondoggle
based on nothing more than a cute play on words.
Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?
(gasps) Bart, Cheech and Chong
were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.
Who are Beavis and Butthead?
(sobs) I've failed as a parent.
I swore the day my son was born
he would appreciate stoner comedy.
To the media room!
CHONG (on record): Open up. It's the police.
CHEECH: Oh, man. I got to get rid of my grass.
(toilet flushing)
(laughing)
He's flushing his pot down the toilet-- unnecessarily!
(laughs, sighs)
Back then, we'd play these albums again and again
till they were filled with skips and clicks and pops.
Which was about three times.
These are comedy albums?
(Lisa reading titles)
MARGE: What are you guys doing up there?
(gasps) Hide the dope!
We don't have any dope.
Then what did I just smoke? (screams)
Lou, I want you to confiscate these brownies.
There's no drugs in these brownies.
I said "confiscate"!
Uh, also confiscate me a T-shirt, uh, triple-XL.
I thought you said double-XL was a real wake-up call.
That was for pants.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown.
Thank you.
When they asked me to introduce Cheech and Chong,
I said, "How much?"
And they said, "We don't pay for introductions."
So I said, "Then I don't need this crummy gig."
And they said, "Yes, you do."
And I said, "Ladies and gentlemen, Cheech and Chong!"
(applause and cheering)
(knocking)
-Who is it? -It's me, Dave, man.
Open up. I got the stuff.
(gasps) I thought they'd do bits,
but their most famous bit?
Will you open up? I got the stuff with me.
Ooh, he's gonna say "Dave's not here."
Dave's not here! Dave's not here!
ALL (chanting): Dave's not here! Dave's not here!
-Say the line, man. -They already know the line.
What's the surprise? What's the point?
The point is they still give us a shoebox full of 20s to do this.
Now, say it.
Dave's not...
Dave's not gonna sell out anymore, man.
I-I can't say it.
(crowd gasping)
What are you doing, man?!
What am I doing? What am I-- I'm experimenting, man.
I'm growing as an artist, okay?
That's not the Cheech and Chong brand.
Brand? Brand? I'm a 72-year-old man.
I've eaten eggs every which way they cook 'em.
I can't play it safe anymore.
Look, these people paid good money to see "Dave's not here."
You owe them "Dave's not here."
Well, how about this?
Chong's not here, man.
-(crowd grumbling) -Oh, no.
Chong is refusing to fall back on his old catchphrases.
Ay, caramba.
(crowd murmuring angrily)
Homie, you know all the bits. Maybe you could help him.
I can't do reefer comedy. I'm drunk.
Two different animals.
Homer Simpson, that man's albums
have given you decades of entertainment
and seen you through some very square times.
Help him.
(crowd murmuring in agreement)
Dave's not here, man.
(cheering, laughter)
No, man, I'm Dave.
-D-A-V-E. -Dave?
That's right. Now open up the door.
Dave's not here, man.
(laughter)
(laughs)
(laughter continues)
You find this funny, sir?
Just because it's too hip for you, Smithers...
(jaunty music playing)
HOMER: I'll give Dave your message.
I don't find this funny at all.
My time being wasted was not wasted.
(cheering)
Hey, man, you're all right.
How'd you like to be the new Chong?
Yes.
-Will I get to meet Dave? -There is no Dave.
-How about Don Johnson? -It would be easier to meet Dave.
(smooches) It is so cool for you
to let me go on tour with Cheech.
And remember, on the road,
the only vice you can indulge in is gluttony.
Save lust and rage for me and the kids.
Sweetie, don't worry.
I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.
Aw...
I can't believe I'm riding around in Cheech's van.
-The van made of weed. -It's not made of weed.
Oh. What's it made of? Hash? 'Shrooms?
Lysergic acid diethylamide?
No. The van is just made of van.
-Oh... -Look, Homer,
I really need you to be on your game, you know?
A lot of our fans have gone through rehab,
-so they're much more critical. -Don't worry, Cheech.
I know all the classic bits of you and Chong.
Don't say that name. Now, you drive.
I have to go black out his face on some T-shirts with a Magic Marker.
(gasps) Can we get high from the fumes?
No!
(muttering indistinctly)
Okay, man, what I'm looking for in a new Cheech
is someone who is, like, open-minded and adventurous.
I haven't decided about the mustache yet,
but you need your own suspenders.
Snap, snap.
Our friendship died with the first snap,
and you buried it with the second.
You ever notice how your nose makes boogers?
What's up with that?
Uh, next?
(high-pitched voice) I can't pay the rent.
(low voice) You must pay the rent.
(high-pitched voice) I can't pay the rent.
(low voice) You must pay the rent.
(normal voice) I'll pay the rent.
(high-pitched voice) My hero.
(normal voice) Aw, who am I kidding? I don't got the money.
(groans) Next.
(speaking indistinctly)
Zoom.
I am your substitute teacher, Sister Mary Elephant.
Class, attention, attention. Class, class.
Shut up. Thank you.
Uh, no, man. No routines from the old regime.
Really? But Sister Mary's no-nonsense attitude
is what inspired me to become an educator.
Just let your freak flag fly, man.
Well, I guess as long as I fold it afterward and don't display it at night.
Oh, perhaps I should improvise, or do an improv?
I want you to reinvent the wheel.
No, de-invent the wheel.
No. "Re-unvent the whool."
Oh, I'll get my prop trunk.
A lot of people have cell phones, but I like to eat healthy,
so I invented... the celery phone.
Hello? Hello?
Wow.
You are the un-funniest man I've ever seen.
Which means, teaming up with you would be totally pushing the envelope.
Mother, how did you get this number? It's a prop phone.
Yes, I have your celery.
I took the limpest stalk there was.
Stop it. Stop riffing. The gig is yours.
Time to finally return your father's overdue movies.
Is it really okay to just drop them into the pit
where the Blockbuster used to be?
Got a better idea?
-(cat meows) -(barking)
(doorbell rings)
(shouting incoherently)
Um, hello. I'm Marge Simpson.
I think I've given you money a couple of times.
(muttering incoherently)
No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want the money back.
I just came for my dog.
-(mutters) -(both gasp)
(yowling)
(hisses)
(meows)
Easter grass, CableACE Awards,
aquariums full of broken pinball game parts,
popped but uneaten Jiffy Pop still in the silver bubble,
sample-sized shampoos, detergents and whiskeys, and...
I hate to say this about the Cat Lady,
but I think she's crazy.
She's a hoarder.
(muttering incoherently)
This is so sad. Can we help her?
We can. It'll be great.
Like a reality show without the cameras.
You mean, just reality.
Yeah, that's what you think.
Cut, print, mail to NBC.
(laughs)
("Low Rider" playing)
♪ Cheech and Chong have lost its Chong ♪
♪ I am the Chong now ♪
♪ Take a little look, take a little look ♪
♪ Take a little look at me-e ♪
(laughs) That's funny, Homer.
Now we really have to work on the show.
Oh, yeah, I get you-- "work on the show."
Maybe we should start at 4:20, right?
(laughs) Marijuana reference!
Yeah, I got it.
Listen, man, comedy is hard work.
Hard work? I thought this was gonna be fun.
It is fun!
The fun is the knowledge that our audience gets
a good value for their hard-earned dollar!
(music playing)
♪ Cheech is sure a lot less cool than I imagined ♪
-Stop that! -♪ Better shut up ♪
♪ Cheech is really mad ♪
♪ I wish that I had gone with Cho-ong ♪
Now, we've managed to preoccupy the Cat Lady
for the next few hours.
♪ Memory ♪
♪ All alone in the moonlight ♪
♪ I can smile at the old days ♪
♪ I was beautiful then... ♪
(sobbing)
Ah, so beautiful!
(sobbing)
(blowing nose)
-(meowing) -(mewing)
(Willie hums)
Thank you, Marge. (yells, gasps)
Thank you for clearing the clutter from my house
and my mind.
(yells)
Haul away, driver man!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
A perfectly good hot lather dispenser.
I can't count the number of times
Homie's cried in anguish over his lukewarm lather.
Ooh, a pen from the Milwaukee Hilton!
A phone answering machine from the '80s!
-CAT LADY: ♪ Nobody's home ♪ -(beeps)
(gasps) All of J.D. Salinger's books,
except Catcher In The Rye!
(loud gasp)
Used pizza protectors!
(hums, gasps) Ooh!
(humming)
(gasps, humming)
Ooh!
She's crazy, but I'd do her.
-Hey, Sister? Hey, Sister? -Class!
-I got to go to the can, man.
Shut up!
(cheering and shouting)
You did all right, kid.
You earned a reward.
Oh, yeah.
A reward from Cheech.
♪ Yes, I am the victim of a Basketball Jones ♪
♪ Ever since I was a little baby ♪
♪ I always be dribblin' ♪
♪ In fact ♪
♪ I was de baddest dribbler in the whole neighborhood ♪
♪ Then one day, my mama bought me a basketball ♪
♪ And I loved that basketball ♪
♪ I took that basketball with me everywhere I went ♪
♪ That basketball was like a basketball to me ♪
♪ I even put that basketball underneath my pillow ♪
♪ Maybe that's why I can't sleep at night ♪
♪ I need help, ladies and gentlemens ♪
♪ I need someone to stand beside me ♪
♪ I need, I need someone to set a pick for me ♪
♪ At the free-throw line of life ♪
♪ Someone I can pass to ♪
♪ Someone to hit the open man on the give-and-go ♪
♪ And not end up in the popcorn machine ♪
♪ So, cheerleaders, help me out ♪
CHEERLEADERS: ♪ Basketball Jones ♪
♪ I got a Basketball Jones ♪
-♪ Oh, that sounds so sweet ♪ -♪ I got a Basketball... ♪
-(grunting) -CHEECH: Homer?
-Homer! -Hmm?
Here's your reward.
-What the...?! -Yeah.
I'm taking you to a museum, man.
Chong and I used to come here all the time.
Oh! Why aren't you exactly like your stage persona?
Now, Homer, this Viramontes image
is an example of how Chicano poster art
preserves a culture ignored by Eurocentric society.
Eurocentric! Oh!
When do we have wacky adventures?
Ah, that's just the movies, man.
Can we at least get some French fries?
Too high in trans fats.
Stop speaking Spanish.
(crickets chirping)
(microphone squeals)
CHONG (on microphone): Ladies and gentlemen, man.
Prepare for comedy that will murder your expectations
and bury them in a sea of "what?"
with waves of "huh?"
(jazz plays with discordant tones)
I am Dave.
Dave is here. Man.
Skinner, this dessert menu is funnier than you.
(groans)
Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.
They're blank, Seymour.
Yes, but there are two "K" sounds in cocktail.
Yes, there are. (chuckles)
So, how was your first day of school?
I met the new principal, Mr. Baumgartner.
He seemed really cool.
When he walked through the gym, he shot a basket.
(both gasp)
Who has disturbed my tomb?
Grampa, you're not dead.
Well, wake me when I am. (snores)
I never thought I'd say this,
but Dad is the only one who can help us.
(phone vibrating)
Now, Homer, what did we agree
about personal phone calls during rehearsal time?
(sighs) It's disrespectful
to the high standards people have come to expect
-from Cheech and Chunk. -That's right.
Now let's take it from the part where we sniff each other's butts.
-Yes, sir. -Come on, sniff!
(Homer sniffing)
That's a movie sniff. This is live theater.
Now inhale, damn it.
(Homer inhales loudly through nose)
I'm hearing it, but I'm not feeling it.
(sniffing) Oh!
(tires squeal)
Ugh! Okay, bus parked. Got to save Marge.
(laughs) I can't believe the crazy house
would throw out all these forks.
(grunts)
Marge, sweetie, do you know how low, low prices are insane?
Well, sometimes people can be, too.
What are you talking about?
Marge, you saved me.
Now I want to save you.
I'm not a hoarder.
Do the Yankees hoard pennants?
Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue?
Marge, Marge, what can one person honestly do with...
filled-in mini golf score sheets?
(loud muttering)
European ketchup.
(goofy muttering)
Rolls of "I voted" stickers.
(crazy yelling)
(gasps)
Styrofoam shaped like old computers!
Oh!
(muttering)
Give me!
(mutters) Oh, lookie, lookie!
-Oh! Ooh! Ooh! -But...
Don't look back, Marge. Don't look back.
Let's just leave the crazy woman alone in our house.
You've got something more important to attend to.
(Tarzan-like screaming)
-(cats mewing) -Uh, we'll deal with all that later.
(applause and cheering)
(imitates car engine running and revving)
(laughs) Hey, baby, want a ride?
Come on.
If Art Garfunkel could forgive that untalented twerp Paul Simon,
you can do this.
(cheering and applause)
Uh, uh, what'd you do with Chunk, man?
He sent me out here, man.
He's got this idea I'm unhappy with my new partner.
I decided to put family over career.
You mean you put nothing over nothing.
(loud whisper) Tell him how you feel.
I feel super high.
Yeah. Me, too.
Come on! Surrender to the moment!
Don't make the mistake I always do
of thinking too much before you act!
(grunts)
(imitates engine revving and chugging)
I guess people do like the classic bits.
You know, it's-- it's okay if you want to experiment a little, like...
-Oh, Thomas! -Oh, Richard!
-(applause and cheering) -(Marge grunts)
I'm sorry I mocked your lack of suspenders.
I guess I was just jealous of your belt.
This belt has caused too many fights between us.
(tires squealing)
How now, mad spirits!
Before we part, 'tis I, mischievous and puckish Bart.
(wind whistling)
'Twas not I the players did disturb.
'Twas the doings of a green and naughty herb.
The gods have righted every wrong.
Cheech, the stoner, has his Chong.
And Homer-- he is back with Mom.
You can watch this tomorrow at Hulu.com.
-(knocking) -CHONG: Who is it?
CHEECH: It's me, Dave, man. Open up. I got the stuff!
-Who? -Dave, man!
CHONG: Dave's not here.
HOMER: Hold on, let me get the door here.
-(door squeaks open) -HOMER: Who are you?
-CHEECH: It's Dave, man. -CHONG: You ruined it, man.
You weren't supposed to open the door.
HOMER: Oh, okay, wait, let's start again.
-CHEECH: Close the door. -HOMER: I'll be out here with you, Dave.
(door closes)
-CHEECH: Hey, Homer? -HOMER: Yes?
-Why don't you go and get us some stuff? -Okay. I'll go get some stuff.
CHEECH: All right. Hurry. Way down there.
Way, way, way far down there.
-HOMER: Way down here? -CHEECH: Yeah, way.
Keep going! Keep going!
-Now turn the corner! Turn the corner! -Okay!
CHEECH: All right, keep going!
HOMER (in distance): All right!
-(knocking) -CHONG: Who is it?
CHEECH: It's me, relieved.
HOMER: Gee, sorry, Dave!
Subtitled by A. Vandelay