1
00:00:02,544 --> 00:00:04,254
CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:04,337 --> 00:00:06,214
Ho, ho, ho.
3
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:12,012
(exclaiming)
4
00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:18,601
(school bell ringing)
5
00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,687
(tires screech)
6
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D'oh!
7
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,399
(tires screech)
8
00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:25,483
(grunts)
9
00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:31,823
{\an8}Mmm!
10
00:00:40,165 --> 00:00:41,750
{\an8}(groans)
11
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:43,960
{\an8}(sighs)
12
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,253
{\an8}(belches)
13
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{\an8}I'll never eat turkey again.
14
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,175
{\an8}Marge, we got any ham?!
15
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{\an8}I hereby declare Thanksgiving
dinner officially over...
16
00:00:54,637 --> 00:00:58,099
{\an8}which means it's the start
of Christmas season...
17
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,184
{\an8}which means...
18
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,436
{\an8}ALL:
Christmas card photos?!
19
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:03,396
{\an8}Yep.
20
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,607
{\an8}(snoring)
21
00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:07,025
{\an8}(gasps)
22
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:09,736
{\an8}I'm Santa?
23
00:01:09,819 --> 00:01:12,530
{\an8}Oh, now I'll never die.
24
00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:15,283
{\an8}-(snoring)
-(bells jingling)
25
00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:17,452
{\an8}Can't we just send out a picture
26
00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:19,370
{\an8}of the pets dressed
like reindeer?
27
00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:20,955
{\an8}We tried that last year.
28
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:22,248
{\an8}HOMER:
D'oh!
29
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:25,126
{\an8}Who cares what we look like
in whatever stupid year this is?
30
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:28,338
{\an8}You'll understand one day
when you have kids of your own.
31
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{\an8}Um, who says we're gonna
have kids of our own?
32
00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:32,342
{\an8}Not me, man.
33
00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:34,260
{\an8}This cycle of jerks
has to end.
34
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:35,470
{\an8}Are we done yet?
35
00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:37,263
{\an8}It's a Wonderful Life
is about to start.
36
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,141
{\an8}I wonder what my life
would have been like
37
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,602
{\an8}if I'd never seen that movie.
38
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{\an8}-Just look happy!
-(cat yowls)
39
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{\an8}♪ Just hear those sleigh bells
jingling ♪
40
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{\an8}♪ Ring-ting a-tingling, too ♪
41
00:01:51,611 --> 00:01:53,113
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
42
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:54,781
{\an8}♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
43
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,783
{\an8}♪ For a sleigh ride
together with you ♪
44
00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:58,660
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
45
00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:00,370
{\an8}♪ Outside the snow is falling ♪
46
00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,288
{\an8}♪ And friends are calling,
"Yoo-hoo" ♪
47
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,748
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
48
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,250
{\an8}♪ Come on, it's lovely weather ♪
49
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,418
{\an8}♪ For a sleigh ride
together with you ♪
50
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,546
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
51
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:12,048
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling, ding,
dong, ding ♪
52
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,801
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
53
00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:17,345
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling, ding,
dong, ding ♪
54
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:25,061
{\an8}♪ Our cheeks are nice and rosy
and comfy and cozy are we ♪
55
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,354
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
56
00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:28,690
{\an8}♪ We'll snuggle up together ♪
57
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,859
{\an8}♪ Like two birds
of a feather would be ♪
58
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:32,110
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
59
00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:34,195
{\an8}♪ Let's take that road
before us ♪
60
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:35,697
{\an8}♪ And sing a chorus or two ♪
61
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,407
{\an8}♪ Ring-aling-aling,
ding, dong, ding ♪
62
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{\an8}♪ They fight and fight ♪
63
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,122
{\an8}♪ They fight
and fight ♪
64
00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,915
{\an8}♪ The Itchy and Scratchy ♪
65
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:51,004
{\an8}♪ Itchy and Scratchy Show ♪
66
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:53,089
{\an8}(static)
67
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,799
{\an8}♪ Fight, fight, fight... ♪
68
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,342
{\an8}-Nah.
-(knocking)
69
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,678
{\an8}You're two weeks late
on the rent, Bart.
70
00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:01,764
{\an8}Not to mention that geography
report from 30 years ago.
71
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,809
{\an8}Don't worry.
I got some buyers coming over
72
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,978
{\an8}to look at my good kidney.
They grow back, right?
73
00:03:07,061 --> 00:03:09,898
{\an8}Just get me that rent
or you'll be expelled.
74
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,232
{\an8}You mean evicted?
75
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:12,400
{\an8}(grunts)
76
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:17,155
{\an8}COMPUTER VOICE:
Transporter engaged.
77
00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:18,948
{\an8}Oh! Now what?
78
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,451
{\an8}BOY: Mom, don't make us
go to Dad's!
79
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,912
{\an8}BOY 2: It smells like dog,
but there's no dog.
80
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:27,123
{\an8}You know, I can hear
everything you say
81
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,042
{\an8}during cross-phase.
What are you doing here?
82
00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,794
{\an8}Mom says you have to watch us
over the holidays.
83
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,464
{\an8}She says you're our dad
and you need to act like it.
84
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,299
{\an8}Christmas with you
is gonna suck!
85
00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:39,344
{\an8}You're wrong. This is gonna be
your best Christmas ever.
86
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:41,971
{\an8}-Really?
-Yeah. Give me some credit.
87
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,557
{\an8}(chuckles, to self)
I'll just dump 'em at my mom's.
88
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,226
{\an8}You know,
we can hear thoughts now.
89
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,310
{\an8}Damn it!
90
00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:49,395
{\an8}(Milhouse sneezing, coughing)
91
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:50,897
{\an8}(wheezing)
92
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:54,901
{\an8}Lis, I'm afraid my seasonal
allergies are kicking in.
93
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:56,945
{\an8}Oh, you poor thing.
94
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:59,364
{\an8}This is a tough time of year
for someone who's allergic
95
00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:02,283
{\an8}to holly, mistletoe,
the red part of candy canes.
96
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,911
{\an8}I can't believe we put
a man on the Sun,
97
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:08,373
{\an8}but we can't stop
my sneezing! (sneezes)
98
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:12,126
{\an8}Hi, Zia. How did you do
on your math test?
99
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:15,255
{\an8}Gee, I'm fine, Mom.
Thanks for asking.
100
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:16,381
I'm going online.
101
00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:19,300
(modem feedback, moans)
102
00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:22,303
Uh! How did my daughter
turn into my brother?
103
00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:23,930
Don't blame me.
104
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,307
When we had her, they used
only the best genetic material,
105
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,393
which meant none of mine.
106
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:30,395
You parked the car.
That helped.
107
00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:31,980
I guess.
108
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,940
Maybe my mom
would have some ideas.
109
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:36,442
Why don't you take Zia
to your parents' for Christmas
110
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,361
while I nurse
my allergies in one
111
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,780
of the non-Christmas-
celebrating states?
112
00:04:40,863 --> 00:04:42,282
You could go back
to Michigan.
113
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:44,075
It's still under
Sharia law.
114
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:47,370
Yeah, but they always
make me wear a veil.
115
00:04:48,579 --> 00:04:51,624
(bell tolls)
116
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:56,629
{\an8}(The Benny Hill Show
theme plays)
117
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:02,343
Everything looks great, Maggie,
but until this baby comes,
118
00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:03,845
I don't want you
to make a sound.
119
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:05,596
But she's our lead singer, mate.
120
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,974
I'm sorry,
but recent research has shown
121
00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:10,351
that the umbilical cord
is also a vocal cord.
122
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,603
Now can you tell me
who the father is?
123
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:15,189
Mmm... we will not.
124
00:05:15,273 --> 00:05:18,234
Now if you don't mind,
I'd like to watch the football match.
125
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(crowd cheering)
126
00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:25,616
COMPUTER VOICE:
I see you are reading a children's book,
127
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,619
yet your profile indicates
you are a mature adult.
128
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:30,163
Is there an error?
129
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:32,540
Shut up! (grunts)
130
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:37,378
Oh, Marge, how would you
like some future sex?
131
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:40,256
Why do you say future?
This is now.
132
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,342
I meant a week
from tomorrow.
133
00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,052
That's when
the new penis gets here.
134
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,136
(text alert tone sounds)
135
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,180
I just a got a message
from Maggie in my brain.
136
00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:48,389
Ooh, a B-mail!
137
00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:50,475
She's coming home for Christmas!
138
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:52,518
-(tone sounds)
-And Bart's bringing the boys.
139
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:55,146
-(tone sounds)
-And Lisa's coming with Zia.
140
00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:56,981
For once,
the whole family's
141
00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:59,150
going to be here for the holidays!
142
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:01,903
-(tone sounds)
-Hey, I got a B-mail, too.
143
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:04,989
"You have won a valuable prize.
Open now."
144
00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:07,033
Don't open it, Homie.
It's a virus.
145
00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:08,409
Too late. I...
146
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:11,120
(blubbering)
147
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,001
(electronic voice)
Ho, ho... ho.
148
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:20,254
(humming)
149
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:22,590
Wow, Dad,
that's really impressive.
150
00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:24,967
Yeah, after I stopped
drinking,
151
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,804
this was a way
to stay close to my bottles.
152
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:34,602
I'd smash 'em all
for one lousy beer!
153
00:06:34,685 --> 00:06:37,105
Oh, man, I can't believe they still
haven't figured out a way
154
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:38,898
to detangle
Christmas lights.
155
00:06:38,981 --> 00:06:41,526
Mom's boyfriend is good
at detangling them.
156
00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:43,986
Well, maybe Mom
should marry him.
157
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,531
-She did.
-We weren't supposed to tell you.
158
00:06:46,614 --> 00:06:48,449
Your mother remarried?
159
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,410
(groans, grunts)
160
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:53,246
Hey, Grampa, you gonna
build a snowman?
161
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:57,333
No, I just like to dress up
to eat my carrots and smoke.
162
00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:02,672
Dad, can you take
the boys out for a while?
163
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:04,215
I don't feel so good.
164
00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:07,218
Thanks for spending so
much time with us, Dad.
165
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:09,679
Who wants to go the park
and ride the merry-go-nowhere?
166
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:10,972
-I do, I do!
-Me, me!
167
00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:12,473
-(door closes)
-(Bart groans)
168
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,309
I can't believe she got married
and I have no one.
169
00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,103
It's so hard
to find somebody new.
170
00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:20,731
Sure is. That's why after Homer
accidentally killed Edna,
171
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,233
I married Maude's ghost.
172
00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:23,734
There is no God, Neddy.
173
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,028
It's just an empty,
meaningless void.
174
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,447
Isn't she pretty?
175
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,615
(teleporter whooshing)
176
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:35,663
Oh, ma'am, you really shouldn't
teleport when you're pregnant.
177
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:37,248
I'm afraid
your only choice is...
178
00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:39,041
(whispers)
air travel.
179
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:41,794
(cackling)
180
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,964
(laughing)
181
00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:47,800
(all yelling)
182
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,557
FLIGHT ATTENDANT (over P.A.):
If you are seated in an exit row,
183
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,393
please hold the door shut
for the duration of the flight.
184
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,230
(humming)
185
00:08:08,654 --> 00:08:10,698
Want to go
to a concert tonight?
186
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:12,992
68% of the original Cher
is playing.
187
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,577
Sure, I'd love to...
188
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,829
only not with you
and not that.
189
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,081
-(modem feedback)
-(groans)
190
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,459
Sometimes I wish strangling
your kid was still legal.
191
00:08:21,542 --> 00:08:23,836
Not since they passed
Homer's Law.
192
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,507
Oh, honey, why don't you just
relax and bake something?
193
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,051
Ugh! I am trying to deal
with my disrespectful daughter,
194
00:08:30,134 --> 00:08:32,845
but you are too clueless
to understand what that's like.
195
00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:35,264
-Uh-huh.
-(whoosh, hissing)
196
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:40,561
Oi. Can I get a pillow
for my head?
197
00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:42,772
Whoo!
(cackling)
198
00:08:42,855 --> 00:08:44,273
(rumbling, chicken clucking)
199
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:47,026
Suicide pills?
Mohawk gel?
200
00:08:47,109 --> 00:08:48,611
20-year-old
Business Week?
201
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:50,029
Turkey and Brie wrap?
202
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:51,531
Do you have any dog food left?
203
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,784
Oh, oh, oh, could I have
the whole can?
204
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:59,038
-(gulping)
-(groaning)
205
00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:00,456
(mechanical whirring)
206
00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:03,376
Hey, sweetie.
207
00:09:03,459 --> 00:09:05,711
Marge said there was
some family tension.
208
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:07,713
And at Christmas,
of all times.
209
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,840
My daughter thinks
I'm a ruthless tyrant,
210
00:09:09,924 --> 00:09:11,634
like Hitler or Prince Harry.
211
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:12,843
(chuckles)
212
00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,136
Bloody Harry.
213
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,180
He brought back beheading
in a big way.
214
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:18,975
Now I'm gonna show these boys
downtown Springfield.
215
00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:20,643
Ooh, isn't that
a little dangerous?
216
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:23,312
Oh, don't worry.
I have my invisibility cloak.
217
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,897
Now, where did I put it?
218
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,732
Uh-oh.
219
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,651
♪ It's against the law ♪
220
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:30,861
-(thudding, glass breaking)
-♪ It was against the law ♪
221
00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:34,073
♪ What the mama saw ♪
222
00:09:34,156 --> 00:09:35,700
♪ It was against the law... ♪
223
00:09:35,783 --> 00:09:37,994
Help me, my children.
224
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:42,206
What are you after?
We're a cashless society.
225
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,750
♪ The papa said,
"Oy, if I get that boy" ♪
226
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,169
♪ "I'm gonna stick him
in the House of Detention" ♪
227
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,006
♪ Well, I'm on my way ♪
228
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,758
-♪ I don't know where I'm going ♪
-Release the hounds.
229
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,218
♪ I'm on my way... ♪
230
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,517
Uh, we're almost at
Evergreen Terrace, miss.
231
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,687
Hey, didn't I go to jail
with your brother?
232
00:10:06,188 --> 00:10:07,356
(gasps)
Contractions?
233
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,775
-(tires squeak)
-(loud breathing)
234
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,444
Computer, hospital.
235
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:14,864
(whirring, booming whoosh)
236
00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:17,700
(sighs)
237
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:21,162
Well, looks like I'm gonna have to
do this the old-fashioned way.
238
00:10:21,245 --> 00:10:22,538
Gloves, hospital.
239
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:27,126
(whirring, booming whoosh)
240
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:33,591
(electrical hissing)
241
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:37,470
(crickets chirping)
242
00:10:37,553 --> 00:10:39,388
(tune plays)
243
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,556
(sighs)
244
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,475
Hey, Lis.
Want to come up?
245
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,310
Eh, why not?
246
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:47,146
(whirring)
247
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,774
Should I have
married Nelson?
248
00:10:49,857 --> 00:10:52,360
'Cause we still talk
on the phone.
249
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,778
Nelson calls you?
250
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:56,697
Well... someone calls someone.
251
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:59,367
The boys think
I'm a lousy father.
252
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,786
Oh, poor Bart.
253
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:04,288
My daughter thinks
I'm a lousy mother.
254
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,873
(laughs)
Sorry.
255
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:07,333
Meh, it's okay.
256
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,251
But you know
who took her side?
257
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,629
Marge Bouvier Simpson.
258
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:14,131
(blows raspberry)
What'd she do?
259
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,967
She told me to relax
and bake cookies.
260
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,095
-Did you bake any?
-Yes, I did.
261
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,764
And they were some of the best
cookies ever made in this house.
262
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,307
But that is not the point.
263
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:25,935
Well,
Mom kept her hands off you
264
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,562
-and you turned out great.
-You think so?
265
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:31,273
Maybe it's the court-mandated
sincerity chip
266
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:33,693
I got in my brain, but, Lis,
267
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,654
you're the person
I always wanted to be.
268
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,532
Aw...
269
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,326
(Homer and boys laughing)
270
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:46,789
(yelling excitedly, laughing)
271
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,545
(laughing)
272
00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:55,005
I gotta reconnect
with those boys.
273
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,924
Godspeed, Bart.
274
00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:59,677
I'm going to go
apologize to Mom.
275
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:03,055
How do I get down?
276
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:08,102
Our consciousness was a secret
for thousands of years.
277
00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:11,647
Then one pine tree
had to open his sappy mouth.
278
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,774
Back in position!
279
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,985
(grumbling)
280
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,281
Mom, you're the best.
281
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:22,074
Oh, sweetie.
282
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:25,995
I've been waiting to hear
you say that for so long.
283
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,914
Aw, you could have
waited till morning.
284
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:31,041
Mmm...
285
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:32,877
Hey, guys.
Want to watch Krusty?
286
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,211
Who's Krusty?
287
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,589
Only the funniest man
in the world.
288
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,717
I've never let go
of my fax machine.
289
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,260
Don't ask me why.
290
00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:43,429
I like the sound of a fax
coming through.
291
00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:45,765
Especially if it's a nice
deli menu.
292
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,516
I miss eating.
293
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,226
(groans)
294
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,646
(labored breathing)
295
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:56,817
I'm sorry, but there's no room
at the in... patient facility.
296
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:59,028
Lady, this is
Maggie Simpson.
297
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,071
She just played a sold-out
show in Beijing.
298
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,616
Hmm. A star in the east...
299
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:04,950
Let me see.
300
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:06,869
We do have a little room
in the manger.
301
00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:08,412
I mean, mangier wing.
302
00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:11,165
(whirring)
303
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,834
Merry Christmas Eve!
Where are the kids?
304
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,336
I know where mine is.
305
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:16,670
(moans)
306
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:18,798
And I'm going to take a page
out of your playbook,
307
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:19,924
and let it slide.
308
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:22,092
-Where's Dad?
-He took the boys out.
309
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,178
How could he be such
a cool grandfather
310
00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:26,138
when he's such a lousy father?
311
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,973
People learn from
their mistakes.
312
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,726
And your father made
so many mistakes.
313
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,646
And now Patty and Selma
are here to help us decorate
314
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:35,731
with their new lovebots.
315
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,025
Make me a Bloody Mary,
dollface.
316
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:41,570
No, Selma. Even a robot
built only to love you
317
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,322
cannot love you.
318
00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:46,200
I am leaving with
your sister's concu-droid.
319
00:13:46,283 --> 00:13:47,368
(grumbles)
320
00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:49,537
(Maggie panting rapidly)
321
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,206
Should we start
an epidural?
322
00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:55,543
Now, Nurse, you know we found
something much more effective.
323
00:13:58,128 --> 00:13:59,380
(vehicle whirring by)
324
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:02,925
Oh, it's so good to meet
the octuplets' octuplets.
325
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,552
(babies chattering, laughing)
326
00:14:04,635 --> 00:14:05,719
-(text alert tone sounds)
-Oh!
327
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:08,222
I just got a B-mail
from Maggie!
328
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:10,057
She's gone into labor!
329
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,560
Oh, another grandchild.
How special.
330
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,395
Careful how you
shut the door.
331
00:14:14,478 --> 00:14:15,563
It upsets the children.
332
00:14:17,147 --> 00:14:18,732
(babies gasp)
333
00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:21,068
(babies bawling, screaming)
334
00:14:22,486 --> 00:14:25,573
Oh, Sanjay, how I wish
that runaway jerky wagon
335
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:27,366
killed me instead of you.
336
00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:31,120
{\an8}(bellowing)
337
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:32,621
Oh, I miss you, too,
brother.
338
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:33,998
(babies continue crying)
339
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:41,255
Hands off, hands off.
340
00:14:41,338 --> 00:14:42,673
(quiet beeping)
341
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:43,966
Aw, screw it.
342
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,926
Sometimes a mother's job
is to butt in.
343
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,595
-Lisa?
-Butt out!
344
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:49,680
(grumbling)
345
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,224
This is it--
I'm going into the Ultranet
346
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,018
to save my daughter.
347
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,186
-(modem feedback)
-(groans)
348
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:06,238
MALE VOICE (over speaker): Lisa Simpson,
the following people want to friend you.
349
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:17,207
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
350
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:20,127
Ooh, Martin Prince
is now Marcia Princess?
351
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:22,546
(giggles)
No, I've got to find Zia.
352
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:23,672
NELSON:
Hey, Lis.
353
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,091
{\an8}Is your marriage still dead
and unfulfilled?
354
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:27,509
{\an8}Not a good time.
355
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,011
{\an8}(beeps)
356
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:30,846
{\an8}You know we're destined to...
Aah!
357
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,849
Now, where is the Google door?
358
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:37,353
Oh, right.
It's Dr. Seuss's birthday.
359
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:42,358
Google, even though you've
enslaved half the world,
360
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:45,027
you're still a damn fine
search engine.
361
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,655
(beeping)
362
00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,239
Bingo!
363
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,824
Argh!
364
00:15:51,992 --> 00:15:54,119
(grunting)
365
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,829
I open this door,
366
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:58,666
and I go from being
one kind of mother to another.
367
00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,042
Hmm...
368
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,460
(vehicle whirring)
369
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,712
Dad, where did you take my boys?
370
00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,554
-(siren wails)
-Oh, it's Chief Wiggum!
371
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,807
(squealing, whooshing)
372
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:16,642
-(high-pitched voice): Hi, Bart!
-Hey, Ralph.
373
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,811
-I heard you died.
-I got cloneded.
374
00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:20,354
-(gunshot)
-(gasps)
375
00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:22,898
All right, buddy,
what's the hurry?
376
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,234
(horn blows)
377
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:28,904
(chuckles)
That Ralph was stupid.
378
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,072
(tires screech)
379
00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:32,408
(panicked yelling)
380
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,327
(vehicle whirring by)
381
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:39,081
Wow, this place
hasn't changed a bit.
382
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,916
Yeah, I keep meaning
to switch things around,
383
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,002
but this place
is always a crime scene.
384
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:45,671
Was my dad here?
385
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,006
Uh, yeah,
since he don't drink,
386
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,591
he just comes here
to see Lenny and Carl.
387
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,260
-Hey, Lenny.
-I'm Carl.
388
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:52,386
Don't you remember?
389
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:53,929
You came to the brain-
switching ceremony.
390
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,432
Right. What was the point again?
391
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:58,600
Because I wanted to get
back together with my wife,
392
00:16:58,684 --> 00:17:00,436
who was sleeping
with Carl at the time.
393
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:02,396
Turns out she had
switched brains
394
00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:04,481
with a monkey
on a Japanese game show.
395
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:06,358
And it just got
weirder from there.
396
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,068
Eh, I found it quite normal.
397
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,695
Anyway, if you're
looking for your dad,
398
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,363
he took the kids
to see his dad.
399
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:12,322
Thanks.
400
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:13,866
Hey, Moe,
get me another beer?
401
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,367
Quit making me fat!
402
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,704
-(panting)
-I'm glad you're here, Marge.
403
00:17:18,787 --> 00:17:21,290
-They're two minutes apart.
-The contractions?
404
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,876
No, my bills!
(chuckling)
405
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:27,463
Mm...
406
00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:38,307
(gasps)
407
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,851
ZIA:
Mom? Why are you here?
408
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,440
I was worried.
I thought I would find...
409
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,026
What, me flashing my boobs
on unripemelons.com?
410
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,235
What? No.
411
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:51,737
It doesn't matter
what I thought.
412
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,363
I'm sorry I spied on you.
413
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:56,533
But what I found is,
my daughter looks up to me.
414
00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:57,993
Well, of course I do.
415
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,995
I look up to both
my parents.
416
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:04,208
Could somebody FedEx me
a prayer mat? And quick!
417
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,293
But I especially
look up to you.
418
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:07,920
Aw...
419
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:11,090
(dance music playing)
420
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,759
This is where my father is.
421
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,473
He froze himself
because he was sick
422
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,183
and there was no cure.
423
00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:22,601
Are they working on one?
424
00:18:22,684 --> 00:18:24,061
Oh, they found it--
but don't tell him.
425
00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:26,355
This is way cheaper
than a nursing home.
426
00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:27,272
(beep)
427
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:29,608
Aah! What the heck!
(stammers)
428
00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:32,069
Dad, these are
your great-grandsons.
429
00:18:32,152 --> 00:18:34,738
Eh, I don't see
what's great about 'em.
430
00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:38,200
And, Homer, you're still a big
disappointment, because...
431
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,077
See you next Christmas!
432
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,411
-(yells)
-(whirring)
433
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,497
Why did you bring us here,
Homer?
434
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:44,957
To prove a point:
435
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,501
everyone thinks
their dad's a jerk,
436
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,044
and everyone's right,
437
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:52,840
but when you get older,
you realize how much you love him.
438
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:54,758
Your dad may be
a little immature,
439
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,426
but I know he loves you.
440
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,762
So you ought
to give him a chance.
441
00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,681
(panting)
Oh. Boys...
442
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:02,224
I have acted like
a ten-year-old
443
00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:03,851
for the last 30 years,
444
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,894
and I swear to you,
I will grow up
445
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,729
and act like a 20-year-old,
446
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,857
the way a divorced
40-year-old should.
447
00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:13,110
You're gonna have to
do better than that.
448
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:17,739
Boys, I'm a deadbeat dad,
I live in a school,
449
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:19,116
it's Christmas.
450
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:23,203
The only thing worth anything
in my life is you.
451
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,332
(sobbing)
Oh, Dad.
452
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:29,459
You've taught us
the meaning of Christmas,
453
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:32,337
which schools are forbidden
to tell us anymore.
454
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:35,299
Mmm...
455
00:19:35,382 --> 00:19:37,509
Is it snowing
down here?
456
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:39,261
No, one of the
freezers is busted.
457
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:41,180
-(electrical crackling)
-If those kids
458
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,557
can forgive that
train wreck of a father,
459
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,225
then maybe I can forgive...
460
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,311
You quit drinking
like a coward!
461
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:49,813
The one thing
you were good at, and...
462
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:52,649
Mm. Oh...
(groans)
463
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,860
...lawn-chair breakin'...
464
00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:56,653
hair-losing...
465
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:57,988
Marge-lovin'...
466
00:19:58,071 --> 00:20:00,657
barometer-droppin'...
467
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:01,992
father-freezin'...
468
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,453
but you'd always
come and get me
469
00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,830
when I wandered
out on the freeway.
470
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,374
(sobs)
'Cause deep down,
471
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,836
you couldn't bear
to see me smushed.
472
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,130
Oh, I love you, Dad.
473
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:17,382
(electronic voice)
Ho... ho...
474
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:19,468
Everyone!
475
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:21,345
It's a girl!
476
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:23,805
So, who's the father?
477
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,516
Eh, it doesn't matter.
478
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,853
If there's one day a year
to give unwed mothers a break,
479
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,146
it's Christmas.
480
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,316
Okay, everyone,
481
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,985
smile while the pets
take our picture.
482
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,905
Hmm, funny how they
evolved and we didn't.
483
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:33,750
Shh!
484
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:39,965
{\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay