1
00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:06,214
<i>CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,928
(exclaiming)

3
00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:18,810
(school bell ringing)

4
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,522
(Barney belches)

5
00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:24,065
(whistle blows)

6
00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,151
(yells)

7
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:31,823
(beeping)

8
00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:37,829
(playing the blues)

9
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,170
(tires screeching)

10
00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:47,589
D'oh!

11
00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:48,757
(tires screeching)

12
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,425
(grunts)

13
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:53,094
Happy 500th episode!

14
00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:54,512
(tooting)

15
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,640
("Auld Lang Syne" plays)

16
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,893
(elephant trumpets)

17
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,482
Hmm?

18
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:08,234
This is episode 499.

19
00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,487
Aw, geez.
Well, I got news for ya,

20
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:13,031
-Fox ain't doin' this again.
-(dejected sighs)

21
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:25,919
{\an8}How'd you get so
many more Valentines?

22
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,212
{\an8}I got one from Lisa

23
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:29,172
{\an8}and one from my optometrist.

24
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:31,966
{\an8}-That's a bill.
-No, it's got a love stamp!

25
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:34,385
{\an8}Maybe we should
just watch TV.

26
00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:38,431
{\an8}♪♪

27
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,025
{\an8}Aw...

28
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,944
{\an8}(coughing and grunting)

29
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,695
{\an8}(both laughing)

30
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:56,449
{\an8}Now, son, you know Itchy and Scratchy
give you night terrors.

31
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:59,035
{\an8}Last night
you had the night terrors.

32
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,496
{\an8}Yeah, I dreamt I got fired
from that job

33
00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:03,665
{\an8}I dreamt I got
the night before.

34
00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:05,458
{\an8}Oh...

35
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:08,044
{\an8}<i>ANNOUNCER:</i>
<i>Welcome to MythCrackers,</i>

36
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,297
{\an8}<i>where we debunk rumors,</i>
<i>legends,</i>

37
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:15,301
{\an8}<i>and all religions</i>
<i>except the Jesus-based ones.</i>

38
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,762
{\an8}It's a beautiful afternoon.

39
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:18,888
{\an8}No TV.

40
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,349
{\an8}Luckily, she doesn't know
that our viewing platforms

41
00:02:21,432 --> 00:02:23,893
{\an8}are... multi.
(chuckles)

42
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,228
{\an8}<i>(theme music plays)</i>

43
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:28,314
{\an8}No TV on the computer!

44
00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,400
{\an8}<i>(theme music plays)</i>

45
00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:32,235
{\an8}No TV on a smartphone!

46
00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:34,654
{\an8}(horn honking)

47
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:36,573
{\an8}<i>Tonight, we take on</i>
<i>the classic myth</i>

48
00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,783
{\an8}that a cat will always
land on its feet.

49
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,119
{\an8}Now, we didn't want to hurt
a real cat,

50
00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:42,745
{\an8}so we took this
Build-A-Bear carcass...

51
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,414
{\an8}Stuffed it with
ballistic gel,

52
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:48,293
{\an8}shot it with a 20 foot barrel
steam cannon...

53
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,259
{\an8}And made a scatter plot
of the remains!

54
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:57,427
{\an8}Boo-yah!

55
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,262
{\an8}What was it we trying
to prove again?

56
00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:00,972
{\an8}Don't know, don't care!

57
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:02,932
{\an8}(vocalizing)

58
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:03,933
{\an8}<i>♪ Blow it up ♪</i>

59
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:07,353
{\an8}Hey, Bart, why don't we
become MythCrackers?

60
00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:10,815
{\an8}I bet those guys get
so many Valentines.

61
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:14,110
{\an8}That might be a good idea,
but then again, you thought it up.

62
00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,403
{\an8}Eh, why not?

63
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,739
{\an8}Okay, first myth,

64
00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:20,950
{\an8}using a cell phone
at a gas station is dangerous.

65
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,827
{\an8}(electrical crackling)

66
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:25,163
{\an8}(explosion)

67
00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:28,082
{\an8}Well, at least I'm cool now!

68
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,168
{\an8}(groans)

69
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:43,014
{\an8}Why does the guy have
to do everything

70
00:03:43,097 --> 00:03:44,766
{\an8}for the girl
on Valentine's Day?

71
00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:47,602
{\an8}We show girls love
on Valentine's Day,

72
00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:50,730
{\an8}and they let us blow stuff up
on the Fourth of July.

73
00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:53,983
{\an8}I just pray they never fall
on the same day.

74
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,860
{\an8}Homie, read this.

75
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:57,946
{\an8}MARGE:
"My darling husband.

76
00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,864
{\an8}This Valentine's Day,

77
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,908
{\an8}I have a present for you."

78
00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,076
{\an8}Thanks for reading it
to me.

79
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:04,619
{\an8}My pleasure.

80
00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,914
{\an8}"I want you to have a fun night
doing guy stuff.

81
00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:10,291
{\an8}Don't worry about me,
I'll be fine."

82
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:13,586
{\an8}(gasps) Oh, Marge,
this is brilliant!

83
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,421
{\an8}Mwah!

84
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,757
{\an8}I just think we should do things
every day

85
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,300
{\an8}to show our love for each other.

86
00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:21,010
{\an8}(yells)

87
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,262
{\an8}Hmm?

88
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,097
{\an8}It's okay, Homie.

89
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,932
{\an8}Go. Have a good time.

90
00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:27,267
{\an8}Take Bart with you.

91
00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:29,602
{\an8}Oh, which one
do you want?

92
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,398
{\an8}You have the most wonderful
mom in the world,

93
00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:36,067
{\an8}which is why I have no idea
where she is

94
00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:37,944
{\an8}or what she's doing.

95
00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:39,779
{\an8}(grunts)

96
00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:41,281
{\an8}That's right, sucker!

97
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:42,824
{\an8}It's Valentine's Day,

98
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:45,952
{\an8}and I've got a date
with some fastballs!

99
00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:48,579
{\an8}-(grunts)
-Lucky bastard.

100
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,707
{\an8}I mean, my darling,
I was looking at myself

101
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,959
{\an8}in the side view mirror.
(nervous laughing)

102
00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:56,045
{\an8}(Homer laughing and taunting)

103
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,756
{\an8}I hope you hit one off the handle
and your hands sting!

104
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,049
(laughing)

105
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,050
-Ow!
-(laughing)

106
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,637
(both laughing)

107
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,597
(thud, grunts)

108
00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:20,361
(engines accelerating)

109
00:05:22,071 --> 00:05:24,365
(gunshots)

110
00:05:27,201 --> 00:05:29,412
(both laughing)

111
00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,957
(laughing)

112
00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:35,460
(dings)

113
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,928
Lisa, I love spending
mother-daughter time with you.

114
00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:50,058
We have so much in common.
Like, um...

115
00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:51,476
(gasps)
Oh, no!

116
00:05:51,559 --> 00:05:53,811
Someone's about to put
the Thousand Island ladle

117
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:55,563
into the vinaigrette!

118
00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:09,911
Hmm?

119
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:14,040
Sorry, sorry.
I didn't mean to be nosy.

120
00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:15,458
Don't apologize.

121
00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:18,086
It was dark, then a light
came through the crack.

122
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,212
The light was you.

123
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:21,798
Oh...
You have a way with words.

124
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,342
Words are just nails
we use to build ideas.

125
00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,844
Care to continue this
discussion at the dessert table?

126
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,971
Mom, I'm gonna look
at the desserts!

127
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:31,641
Don't panic.
This can be separated out.

128
00:06:31,724 --> 00:06:33,851
Quick, does anyone
have a centrifuge?!

129
00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:36,145
(sighs, mutters)

130
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:39,357
All I wanted was
one romantic night.

131
00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:44,195
(exasperated muttering)

132
00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:46,447
Yep, you're the
crack head.

133
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,074
(chuckles nervously)

134
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:49,867
What dessert are
you gonna get?

135
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:51,577
I'll toss this fork
into the air

136
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:54,372
and wherever it lands,
that's what I'll eat. Hiya!

137
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,457
(gasps)

138
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:59,460
As Hemingway said, "The shortest
answer is doing the thing."

139
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,298
Um, I should probably
get back to my mom.

140
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,050
By the way,
my name is...

141
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,885
No! When I first hear
your name,

142
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,762
I want to be
somewhere important,

143
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,222
the peak of Kilimanjaro...

144
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:12,849
the back of a
vaporetto in Venice, the...

145
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:16,310
Lisa! Now this is the most
important place in the world.

146
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:20,481
Now that's a spicy
meet-cute! Mwah!

147
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:22,024
Lisa?

148
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,526
MOE:
Hey, Midge.

149
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,027
Want a piece of my ziti?

150
00:07:27,738 --> 00:07:30,491
That cost a nickel,
but, uh, we'll settle up later.

151
00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:35,663
Today we tackle the most
terrifying myth

152
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:38,749
in the history of
Springfield Elementary,

153
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:41,502
that if you press E-8
on the candy machine,

154
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,671
you get electrocuted and die.

155
00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:47,508
Wow. Did you invent a robot
hand to touch the buttons?

156
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:48,676
Something like that.

157
00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:50,470
(Milhouse gasps)

158
00:07:54,223 --> 00:07:56,350
(children gasping)

159
00:07:56,434 --> 00:07:58,269
-(motor whirring)
-(children whimpering)

160
00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:00,021
(thud)

161
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:03,983
Ladies and gentlemen,
that myth is cracked!

162
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,610
Candy cigarettes?

163
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,278
I didn't know they made these.

164
00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:09,405
They were discontinued
because they were thought

165
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:12,325
to encourage impressionable
children to smoke.

166
00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,994
How dumb do they think we are?

167
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:18,998
Mm-hmm.

168
00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:20,791
Mmm!

169
00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:27,006
I can quit
anytime I want!

170
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,513
This place is great!

171
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:37,517
If I cover my peripheral vision,
I feel like I'm in France.

172
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:42,188
(French music plays)

173
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:44,398
(hip-hop music plays)

174
00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,901
(French music plays)

175
00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:49,862
(hip-hop music plays)

176
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:51,906
(French music plays)

177
00:08:51,989 --> 00:08:53,908
(hip-hop music plays)

178
00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:56,702
(French music plays)

179
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,621
(hip-hop music plays)

180
00:08:58,704 --> 00:08:59,664
Ew...

181
00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,791
How 'bout I just
look at you.

182
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:05,294
(Spanish guitar plays)

183
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:08,214
El Puerco,
I must break up with you.

184
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:11,884
Oh, but the hand-holding
is just too good.

185
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:14,053
(grunts angrily)

186
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,640
Your juice boxes.

187
00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:19,767
(slurps)

188
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,894
It's... nice.

189
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:24,397
Perhaps we can try a little
harder, for the lady.

190
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,816
Such is the life
of the juice boxiér.

191
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:31,404
Oh.

192
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:34,991
Marge, since you're by yourself,

193
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,660
would you like to borrow
one of my twins?

194
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:41,205
But remember, the one you pick
may not be the one you get.

195
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,085
Mom, I'm sorry
I'm late.

196
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:49,338
No excuse, I just forgot
all about you.

197
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:54,468
I'm not sure that patch really
represents who I am right now.

198
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:56,929
Well, if you'd been here
for the design phase,

199
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,806
you could've registered
that objection.

200
00:09:58,889 --> 00:10:00,558
Now start quilting!

201
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:02,351
(melodic grunting)

202
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,145
Now there's
three of you?

203
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:07,023
ALL: Or maybe you're
losing your mind.

204
00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:18,576
According to the wisdom
of our elders...

205
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:21,871
...if you go all the way
around on the swing,

206
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:25,416
your body will
turn inside-out!

207
00:10:25,499 --> 00:10:29,795
Cool! Now my beauty
will be on the outside!

208
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,092
(Milhouse yelling)

209
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,598
He's still inside-in, folks!

210
00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,141
And just to prove it...

211
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:43,851
(camera snaps)

212
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,102
ALL:
Whoa!

213
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:48,439
("Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien"
by Edith Piaf playing)

214
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:09,043
♪♪

215
00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,649
(song ends)

216
00:11:31,732 --> 00:11:34,652
MARGE: "She had now come to
the part that Peter Pan hated.

217
00:11:34,735 --> 00:11:37,655
'I do like a mother's
love,' said Tootles..."

218
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:38,989
Mom, I have a crush!

219
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,449
Is it on your father?

220
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,619
Little girls always get
crushes on their fathers.

221
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,287
Somehow I missed that phase.

222
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,790
Almost there, boy.
Almost there.

223
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:49,917
Almost there.
I'm getting closer.

224
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,252
It's just within reach.

225
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:54,422
The boy I like
is Hemingway-esque!

226
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:58,259
Okay. Let's "esque" him
to dinner. (chuckles)

227
00:11:58,342 --> 00:12:01,011
Wow, Nick here in our house!

228
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:04,181
I hope it doesn't make him
think less of me.

229
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,726
This house is not an
embarrassment!

230
00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:11,063
Hm, usually when I say
something like that,

231
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,357
something extremely
embarrassing happens.

232
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:17,111
I'm gonna say good night
before it does. Good night.

233
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:19,613
(door bell rings)

234
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,951
Well, Lisa didn't tell me
that she had a sister.

235
00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,453
(chuckles)

236
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,537
Or a daughter.

237
00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:30,332
Oh, my.

238
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,961
I don't know if anyone's
ever kissed my hand before.

239
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:35,337
Well, your arms are lanky.

240
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,131
It's kind of a
long trip down there.

241
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:38,966
My mother said
I should bring some wine.

242
00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:43,012
Hmm, the French have gotten
into the wine game?

243
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:45,639
Ha, good luck catchin' up
with the big boys.

244
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:47,641
I'll get a couple glasses.

245
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,729
Mrs. Simpson, I'd like your permission
to take your daughter

246
00:12:51,812 --> 00:12:54,231
to the Doritos Nutrition Fair
at the school gym.

247
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:58,611
Well, I usually take Lisa,
but I can just go with Bart.

248
00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,237
Wait. What? No!

249
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:01,572
You're going with me!

250
00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:03,115
But, Lisa, after this,

251
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:06,327
I don't want you to spend
so much time with this boy.

252
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:09,955
If you do, it'll mean you're
a separate person from me.

253
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,166
{\an8}<i>That'll stop her</i>
<i>from seeing him.</i>

254
00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:21,842
Mom can't appreciate
the kind of boy Nick is,

255
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,302
because although I love Dad,

256
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:25,596
he's a completely
different creature.

257
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:27,932
Yeah, there's a lot
of fish in the sea,

258
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:30,059
but she picked out
a drunken walrus.

259
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:31,852
But you and this Nick fella
sound to me

260
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:34,855
like the story
of Pyramus and Thisbe.

261
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:36,607
Which inspired
<i>Romeo and Juliet,</i>

262
00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:38,400
which inspired
<i>West Side Story,</i>

263
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,903
which inspired me to say "eh."

264
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:44,907
Pyramus and Thisbe were
lovers from ancient times!

265
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,661
<i>They lived next door but their</i>
<i>families despised each other.</i>

266
00:13:48,744 --> 00:13:52,081
I don't like to babble on,
but I sure do like Babylon.

267
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:54,083
(gurgling)

268
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:58,587
<i>The lovers had to whisper</i>
<i>their sweet nothings</i>

269
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,297
<i>through a crack in the wall.</i>

270
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:01,465
<i>LISA:</i>
<i>Wait a minute!</i>

271
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:06,011
Nick and I met talking through
a crack between two booths!

272
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:09,056
<i>ABE: And the power of that</i>
<i>forbidden smooch</i>

273
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:12,017
<i>made them love</i>
<i>each other forever.</i>

274
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:16,397
(grunting)

275
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,857
(laughing)

276
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,443
<i>LISA: Man, that company</i>
<i>thinks every time</i>

277
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,363
<i>it adds a wisecracking parrot</i>
<i>to a story, they own it.</i>

278
00:14:24,446 --> 00:14:26,240
Talk to the wing, Thisbe!

279
00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:30,744
Grampa, would you help take me
on a foolish romantic mission?

280
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,371
Let me check my schedule.

281
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:33,581
This might work.

282
00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:34,707
I think I'm free.

283
00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:36,041
Tuesday's open.

284
00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:38,127
You got it, kiddo!

285
00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:43,632
Legend has it
a girl named Eleanor Mackie

286
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,551
drowned on this very spot.

287
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,845
Now they say if you
call her name three times

288
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,890
while looking in this mirror,
you will die.

289
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,308
Milhouse?

290
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:58,480
(sighs)

291
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:01,692
Eleanor Mackie.
Eleanor Mackie.

292
00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:03,819
-Eleanor Mackie!
-(all scream)

293
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,155
Aw, gimme a break.

294
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,950
The one day the lunch lady
decides to wash her hands.

295
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:12,870
Okay, that was
the last school myth

296
00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:14,747
and it's officially cracked.

297
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:18,000
So, school is just
everything we see?

298
00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:20,294
That's sad, man.

299
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:22,588
(dejected sighs)

300
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:26,717
You into cigars now?

301
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,719
It's a Twix.

302
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:30,721
I can't be the guy who
killed everybody's fun.

303
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,222
That's Skinner's job.

304
00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:35,935
Don't blame me.
You killed the fun, fun-killer.

305
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,728
(yawning)

306
00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:39,688
(growls)

307
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,566
Milhouse, I've just figured out
a way to make school cool again.

308
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,944
American Girl doll day?!

309
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,403
You might be surprised at

310
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,531
the number of boys who have
American Girl dolls.

311
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:52,368
It's not weird 'cause
they're historic figures.

312
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:53,452
(groaning)

313
00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:54,620
(growling)

314
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:56,121
(yelps)

315
00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:00,084
I have found one
last myth to destroy,

316
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:04,296
the so-called legend of
Groundskeeper Were-Willie.

317
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,299
Prepare to be disappointed!

318
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,928
(moans)

319
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:14,139
(howling)

320
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,225
(all screaming)

321
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:19,395
Gentlemen,
we just created a myth.

322
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:22,898
Now there's a myth about me
I'd like you to correct--

323
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,109
I'm not from Edinburgh!

324
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:27,903
I'm also not from Glasgow!

325
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,614
I'm from Kirkwall in Orkney!

326
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:33,701
Me father was an Uppie,
and me mother was a Doonie.

327
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,536
It tore the
family apart!

328
00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:38,038
(sobbing)

329
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:47,339
-(police siren wails)
-Ow!

330
00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:52,845
Pull over. You're wanted for
grand theft retirement home.

331
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,097
The TV remote is in your pocket!

332
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:57,182
<i>(on TV):</i>
<i>Hola! Yo soy Maury Povich.</i>

333
00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,309
<i>Uno de estos siete hombres es</i>

334
00:16:59,393 --> 00:17:02,730
<i>el verdadero padre de este</i>
<i>"crack baby."</i>

335
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,107
Everyone's speaking Spanish!

336
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:08,110
But, if we stop now, we'll never
make it there by sunset.

337
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,447
Run, young lovers!

338
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:12,698
I'll take care
of the cops!

339
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:14,783
-But, Grampa...
-Go ahead!

340
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,577
I ain't afraid of no prison!

341
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,913
(grunts angrily)

342
00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:22,916
Sir, we're gonna bring you back
to your retirement home.

343
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,210
No!

344
00:17:26,712 --> 00:17:28,213
(gunfire)

345
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,256
Chief, we heard gunfire!

346
00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:31,675
Relax!
It's just my back!

347
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,010
-(gunshot)
-And my hip.

348
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:34,720
-(gunshot)
-Spinal column!

349
00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:36,555
(gunshot)

350
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,311
Thanks for the ride,
Mr. Spuckler.

351
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:45,397
Yeah, I don't normally
approve of out-breeding,

352
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,608
but you two seem nice.

353
00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:50,569
We can take this boat.

354
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,660
I don't know,
this water's a little choppy.

355
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,830
I thought you rowed up the Zambezi
without a guide.

356
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,707
Right, right.

357
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,753
(sighs)

358
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:13,550
So, Dad, what kind of stupid idea
did you put in Lisa's head?

359
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,930
She wants to steal a kiss,
like Pyramus and Thisbe.

360
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:19,681
Did you say
"ultimate Frisbee"?!

361
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:21,141
-No!
-Oh...

362
00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:26,814
(annoyed whining)

363
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,693
(grunting)

364
00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,162
Women and shoes, am I right?

365
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,665
(grunting)

366
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,755
Your hands are really cold.

367
00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:56,885
You know, you were a lot more adventurous
at the dessert table.

368
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,887
I sure was--
I'm allergic to chocolate!

369
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,722
Shut up and kiss me.

370
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:06,979
<i>Lisa, it's Hadley Richardson,</i>
<i>Hemingway's first wife.</i>

371
00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:09,523
<i>Trust me,</i>
<i>you're making a big mistake.</i>

372
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:12,234
<i>If you don't believe me,</i>
<i>ask Pauline Pfeiffer.</i>

373
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,027
<i>I was his second wife.</i>

374
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,029
<i>There were two more after me.</i>

375
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,657
<i>Tortured writers</i>
<i>make horrible husbands.</i>

376
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,742
<i>At least you chose</i>
<i>to be with him.</i>

377
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:23,954
<i>I was just swimmin' along,</i>
<i>mindin' my own business.</i>

378
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:26,373
<i>Next thing I know,</i>
<i>I was hanging on his wall!</i>

379
00:19:26,456 --> 00:19:28,375
<i>He used to pee</i>
<i>in the fireplace!</i>

380
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:29,668
<i>(sobbing)</i>

381
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:32,796
Wait, how long
is this love for again?

382
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,047
Eternity.

383
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,300
Oh, that's a pretty
long time.

384
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:39,094
Now my lips
are getting cold.

385
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,471
(panting)
Lisa!

386
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,516
This isn't working out.

387
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,894
Lisa, I'm sorry that
God gave me this gift

388
00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:49,438
of lying to girls,
for a little while.

389
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:50,856
I'll see ya.

390
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:54,693
(panting)

391
00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:58,030
I feel kinda silly I walked
all the way out here.

392
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:01,283
You're just fine.
You always are.

393
00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:03,952
Thanks.
But I couldn't do it, Mom.

394
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,496
I mean, the person you kiss
under a mulberry tree

395
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:09,374
is someone you'll love
for the rest of your life.

396
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:16,465
Mwah!

397
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:21,553
(grunting)

398
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,805
Don't worry, ladies,
I'm-a comin'!

399
00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,182
D'oh!

400
00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:27,059
(gurgling)
D'oh...

401
00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:36,485
You know, I heard
if a fat guy stops moving,

402
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:38,570
he floats.

403
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,447
D'oh!

404
00:21:22,489 --> 00:21:24,199
Shh!

405
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:29,955
{\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay