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{\an8}<i>CHOIR:</i>
<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

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(exclaiming)

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(school bell ringing)

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(Barney belches)

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(whistle blows)

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(yells)

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(beeping)

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(playing the blues)

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D'oh!

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(tires screeching)

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(grunts)

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(grunting)

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(yells)

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(panting)

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(couch squawks)

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(Bart grunts)

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(yells)

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{\an8}DIRECTOR:
Okay, people, we are trying

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{\an8}to depict
the sizzling final days

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{\an8}of the Nathan Lane
of the New Testament, Jesus Christ.

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{\an8}Now remember,
this is the Passion Play,

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{\an8}not The Phone It In Play.

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{\an8}not the I Once Had Three Shows
on Broadway Simultaneously

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{\an8}But I Blew All My Money on Coke
and Now Here I Am Play,

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{\an8}so let's do this thing!

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{\an8}Hi. My name is
Milhouse Van Houten,

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{\an8}and I am auditioning
for the role of Child Who Points.

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{\an8}Yeah, okay, point stage left.

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{\an8}I prepared right!

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{\an8}Well, I better get going.

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{\an8}This is starting to feel
a little churchy.

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{\an8}Why do we have to audition
for the stupid play,

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{\an8}and Dad gets to leave?

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{\an8}I already have my part.

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{\an8}Man Who Buys Ticket,
But Doesn't Show Up.

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{\an8}Also, the Passion Play
isn't stupid.

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{\an8}It's the greatest story
ever told.

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{\an8}Maybe it was once,

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{\an8}but now there's
lots of better stories.

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{\an8}<i>Krusty vs. the F.D.A.</i>

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{\an8}Game Six of
the 2011 World Series.

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{\an8}-Hitler mashups!
-And Lenny's story about Cancun.

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{\an8}Yeah, why aren't we
doing Lenny's story?

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{\an8}That thing's hilarious.

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{\an8}Not so hilarious for me.

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{\an8}I nearly lost a toe.

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{\an8}That's what you get

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{\an8}for having a monkey
give you a foot massage.

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{\an8}My bucket list
is my business.

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{\an8}-Next audition!
-Ah-ha. Name's Ned Flanders.

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{\an8}Credits include Jesus
in the Passion Play last year,

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{\an8}Jesus in the Passion Play
the year before that,

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{\an8}Jesus, Jesus, a kindly hobo
who turns out to be--

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{\an8}you guessed it-- Saint Peter...

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{\an8}Enough! Enough, already.

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{\an8}I'm so bored I'm ready
to introduce myself

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{\an8}to my two assistants here.

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{\an8}You will be
a non-speaking Pharisee.

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{\an8}-But-but-but...
-Jesus didn't stammer!

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{\an8}His voice hit the back
of the theater!

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{\an8}He was a god
who turned water into wine

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{\an8}and did not wear shoes.

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{\an8}Ooh!

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{\an8}He said simple things
that many followed.

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{\an8}Just like me on Twitter!

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{\an8}(chuckles)

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{\an8}And he was tragically killed
while still in his 30s...

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{\an8}-D'oh!
-...after an all-night dinner.

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{\an8}Woo-hoo!
I'm your Jesus! Me!

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{\an8}Boom. Done.
This guy's perfect!

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{\an8}You understand why God
would have forsaken him.

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{\an8}(chuckling)

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{\an8}Well, congratulations, Homer.

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{\an8}I guess this is just
my cross to bear.

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{\an8}What's that a reference to?

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{\an8}Oh!

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{\an8}Ooh, nice and roomy.

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{\an8}Our Lord sure knew
how to keep 'em cool.

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{\an8}-Dad?
-Yes, sweetie?

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{\an8}First of all,

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{\an8}congratulations
on getting the lead.

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{\an8}Whee! Whee!

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{\an8}I just hope you're going
to take this seriously.

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{\an8}Oh, yes, Lisa.

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{\an8}Very seriously. Whee!

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{\an8}Dad, the story of the Passion

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{\an8}is the cornerstone
of the Christian faith.

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{\an8}And although I personally follow

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{\an8}the enlightened teachings
of Lord Buddha,

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{\an8}messing with Jesus
really gets people mad.

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{\an8}It's like wearing
a Florida State jersey

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{\an8}to a Florida game.

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{\an8}(gasps)

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{\an8}Oh, Lord, why have you placed

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{\an8}this fearsome burden
on my shoulders?

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{\an8}(sobbing)

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{\an8}It'll be fine.
Just learn your lines.

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{\an8}Does Jesus have a big part
in this thing?

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He's in every scene.

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What?

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(sobbing loudly)

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Why do I succeed at everything
I audition for?

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Dear Lord, I know you see all,

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but trust me,
You do not want to see this.

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And so our Lord was brought
before Pontius Pilate.

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What's he in for?

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He calls himself
"King of the Jews."

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Oh, boy.
Okay, be straight with me.

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You can probably
plead this down to crucifixion.

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Do you call yourself
King of the Jews?

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Thou sayest it.

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(exclaiming)

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He's good.

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Wow, I'm so moved
I renounce science,

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with the facts,
and the peer reviews,

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and the hypotheses
tested by evidence.

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What shall I do then with Jesus,
which is called Christ?

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Crucify him!

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They cannot judge me.

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Only my father can judge me.

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Crucify him!

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I'll take you with me, old man!

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Jesus was handed
a heavy cross,

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and upon his brow
was placed a crown...

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-Ooh!
-...of thorns.

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What the...?

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(groans)

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(crying)

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Daughters of Jerusalem!

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Weep not for me,

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but weep for yourselves.

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You know, Homer's giving it
the old Bible-college try.

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Maybe I should've dialed down
the Doubting Thomas.

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Silence, Pharisee!

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(grunting)

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Looks like someone didn't
follow the underwear rule!

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This man is totally
the Son of God.

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Tonight you shall be
at my right hand in heaven.

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All right!

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It pays to network
at these things.

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Jesus cried again
with a loud voice

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and yielded up his spirit.

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(cries out in anguish)

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(quietly)
Lord, forgive me for my pride.

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All wise as always, you have
rightly raised Homer above me.

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Never again will I question...

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(yells)

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-Out of my way, stupid Flanders!
-Ow!

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Ah, I knew we should've done
<i>Spamalot.</i>

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I'm not licked.

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I'll just make them
think this was planned.

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(imitates drum brushes)

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<i>♪ Who's to say ♪</i>

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<i>♪ This didn't happen ♪</i>

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<i>♪ Who's to say, and curtain! ♪</i>

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Diddily...
doodily...

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No atheist blood, please.

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Sorry, ma'am, only members
of the immediate family allowed in.

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It's okay.
She's my wife.

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(gasping)

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Ned and Edna, married?

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That's right. Ha!

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-CROWD: Wow!
-Oh, my goodness.

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Hey, Dad.

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You remember when you said
if Flanders got remarried

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you'd eat your hat?

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Uh-oh.

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Ooh, licorice!

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Mmm, historically inaccurate.

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Well, it was nice having
a secret marriage while it lasted.

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Well, sir, now we'll
have an open marriage!

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Um...

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you do know what that means?

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No, but I'm sure Newt Gingrich
wouldn't steer us wrong.

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At least in the hospital

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we can just enjoy a nice,
quiet moment together.

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(chuckling)

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Congratulations, you two!

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We're so, so happy for you.

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Welcome to marriage.

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(laughs)

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Another good man
bites the dust.

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Homer!

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I'm talking about this guy!

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Oh, I sure envy him.

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Homer!

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I mean, I envy Flanders,

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once again enjoying
the joys of marriage.

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Let's put it to a vote,
America.

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Enough with the voting.

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Ned, Edna,
why didn't you tell us?

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'Cause everyone in this town

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makes such a big heckabaloo
out of everything.

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Nedding bells are ringing.

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See what happens
when Teachy met Preachy

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on Channel 6,

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your source for news-based puns.

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I was just down the hall
getting some very bad news,

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and I saw there was
a party going on.

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Congratulations from the Mayor.
Vote Quimby.

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Many happy returns!

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Hope you're both happy.

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Edna, as the runner-up
in the race for your heart,

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I would like to make a toast.

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My Dearest,
let me be the first to offer you

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the hearty handshake
that would've climaxed

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our own wedding day...

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Seymour, did you use my wig glue
to patch your shoes again?

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I tied them together
with used dental floss,

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as per your memo!

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Everybody out. Now!

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(grumbling)

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-Not you.
-Mmm.

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O Lord, please bless
our blended family.

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And thank you
for "cigarette mommy."

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Oh, honey, please don't
call me that.

217
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Okay, "do-over mommy."

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Boys, you will please
call your new mother

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whatever she feels
comfortable with.

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How about "Edna?"

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It's disrespectful

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to call a grown-up
by their first name.

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BART:
Yo, Homer,

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Mom says get your fat ass
over to the Flanders'.

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Bart! Don't call me that!

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Which one?
"Homer" or "fat ass"?

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HOMER:
Why, you little...

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They're both bad,
and I suspect you know it!

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BART: Get your hands
off of me, you fat ass!

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(doorbell rings)

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Ned, Edna.

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-We just want to apologize...
-(growling)

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...for the commotion
in your room.

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People here do not
respect boundaries.

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Homer, did you just buckle
your belt through my loop?

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00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,102
Sorry.

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00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:05,688
Well, we're here to offer
to throw you a little party

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in your honor.

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A little party might be fun.

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The only guests at our wedding
were Ned's parents.

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Look at those squares,

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makin' it nice and legal.

243
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We didn't need a piece of paper!

244
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We had a paper, Nedward.

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We just rolled it
and smoked it.

246
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:21,954
Oh, yeah.

247
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:24,790
We got high-diddily-high
on that reeferino.

248
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,209
Less news from the pews.

249
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,629
Okay, Simpsons.
Well, call me a cock-eyed optimist

250
00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:32,715
'cause I think some sort
of celebration party

251
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:33,799
might possibly be fun!

252
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:36,135
Great!
We'll take care of everything.

253
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,179
We'll just need
to borrow your punch bowl,

254
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:40,848
17 chairs,
your portable dance floor,

255
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:42,850
your banner printer,
banner ink,

256
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,394
and a ream of blank banners.

257
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,856
Okay, there's no school;

258
00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:51,901
your dad's at work;
and it's really coming down.

259
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:53,069
Anyone for Scrabble?

260
00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:55,571
Only God can make words.

261
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,490
Right, right. Yahtzee?

262
00:10:57,573 --> 00:10:59,158
Dice are Satan's bones.

263
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:00,910
What the hey, Mrs. K?

264
00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,578
Thank God, a real kid.

265
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,622
You want my advice
on dealing with the Hardly Boys?

266
00:11:04,705 --> 00:11:05,790
Why do you care?

267
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:08,668
I don't. I'm just bored
watching worms drown.

268
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:09,794
Okay, what do you got?

269
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:12,838
Well, what you got to do
is get them into the real world.

270
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,840
Skipping is cool!

271
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,843
Especially when you're holding
hands with your brother.

272
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,970
If you don't act now,
when they grow up,

273
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:21,389
people like me
are gonna take

274
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,099
all their money
and girlfriends.

275
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,434
Oh, come on.
They're not that hopeless.

276
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,603
I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!

277
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:28,688
(whimpers)

278
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,860
This is my third-favorite
wedding supply store.

279
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,696
Whoo! Look at these.

280
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:38,030
"Extreme weddings.

281
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,241
Triathlon...
Zero-G...

282
00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:43,285
Tie the knot
at the top of Mount Everest"?

283
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,333
It's extreme enough
for me

284
00:11:49,417 --> 00:11:52,336
when they smear the wedding cake
on each other's faces.

285
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,505
So, Marge,
the rumors are true.

286
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:56,173
Why did you get
to throw a party

287
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,342
for Ned and Edna
and not me?

288
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,470
Well, you're all invited so you
can make your snippy comments

289
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:04,014
while you eat
my hors d'oeuvres.

290
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,475
Snippy? How can you say that
in those shoes?

291
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:07,393
(grunts)

292
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:10,062
They have Itchy and Scratchy
weddings?

293
00:12:15,901 --> 00:12:17,903
(laughing)

294
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:22,908
Ready to go home, Ned?

295
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,035
I'm sorry, honey, but I'm
stuck in this meeting

296
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,412
of the Springfield LGBT.

297
00:12:26,495 --> 00:12:29,957
The left-gifted bidextrous
and transhanded community.

298
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,252
We're trying to decide on the theme
for our Left is Right parade.

299
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,337
"Our Scissors, Ourselves."

300
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:36,589
How about,
"Death to Righties"?

301
00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,424
We have to live
among them.

302
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,259
To live among them
is to die.

303
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:41,594
(all arguing)

304
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:43,387
Oh, this could go late.

305
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,222
We haven't even ordered
pizzas and pop yet.

306
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,932
Could you handle
Rod and Todd's

307
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:48,601
parent-teacher
conference for me?

308
00:12:48,684 --> 00:12:50,436
Sure, I'd love
to be the parent for once.

309
00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:52,146
Now I can bring a latte

310
00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:53,939
and leave the cup
on the desk. Ha!

311
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:55,441
(glass breaks)

312
00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:59,028
Sorry. I'm still
a pre-op transhander.

313
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:01,071
TEACHER:
Well, I must say at this school

314
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:03,491
<i>we've never seen</i>
<i>a step-parent before.</i>

315
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:05,701
Look, I'm a chalk jockey, too,

316
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,203
so don't slap ketchup
on bread

317
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:09,246
and tell me it's Pizza Friday.

318
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,373
You teach with that mouth?

319
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,960
Yes. I teach
at Springfield Elementary,

320
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:17,379
-and we believe that...
-Public school?

321
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,673
Well, I'll be a monkey's
unrelated creature.

322
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,718
Well, we'll fit you
into our school prayers.

323
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,054
You do have science
here, right?

324
00:13:25,137 --> 00:13:27,556
We sure do.

325
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,059
Behold advanced astronomy.

326
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,896
You pulled the boys
out of school?

327
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:36,065
Ned, I know I should have
consulted you,

328
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,691
but that school
is beneath them.

329
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:40,236
Take my word as a teacher
of 15 years.

330
00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:41,737
Well, sir, when we got married,

331
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,989
I knew I'd find some spices
in my chili.

332
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,867
I guess they can go
to Springfield Hellementary.

333
00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,577
-Oh!
-Mm-hmm.

334
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,496
(moaning)

335
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,842
Why are we here, Neddy?

336
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,844
Well, first of all,
I think talking dogs

337
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:06,387
-are the spawn of the devil.
-Yeah, but...

338
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:10,516
Secondly, we're watching my little
Toddy graduate from college.

339
00:14:10,599 --> 00:14:13,060
Oh, now aren't you glad
you let Edna take charge

340
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:14,728
of the boys' education?

341
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,480
Yep, it's lucky
she's not in my taxes

342
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,190
'cause I underestimated her.

343
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,734
Wait a minute.
Liberal professors,

344
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,404
feminist workshops,
abstract sculptures.

345
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:25,531
This isn't a Midwestern
Bible college.

346
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:28,534
This is an elite
East Coast university.

347
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,328
It's okay, Daddy.

348
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:34,456
-I majored in religious studies.
-Whew!

349
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,334
Comparative religious studies.

350
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,211
(screams)

351
00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:45,801
(tires screech)

352
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,511
Give me your keys!

353
00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:49,889
Maybe I'll just park it myself.

354
00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:53,142
Why are you parking yourself?
Why are you parking yourself?

355
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:56,228
We haven't taken in
one car all day.

356
00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:01,775
You really put on
a great reception, Marge.

357
00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,694
It's like the happy flashback

358
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,154
in a gritty cop thriller.

359
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:09,825
Thank you.
Everyone's having a great time.

360
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,076
Uh-oh.

361
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,829
Helen, have a canapé.

362
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,748
There's enough for everyone.

363
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:18,208
But not too much.
(chuckles)

364
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:20,002
(gasps)

365
00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:21,170
(both giggling)

366
00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:22,588
Yar...

367
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:24,214
No weird hookups!

368
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:25,925
Call me!

369
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,384
I'm married to the sea,

370
00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:29,678
and I'm seeing two
of the Great Lakes on the side.

371
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,055
I won't say which ones,

372
00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:34,850
but it's eerie
how superior they are.

373
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:40,189
So how do the boys
like Springfield Elementary?

374
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:42,107
Marge, it's wonderful.

375
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,777
They're opening up,
they've seen a wider world.

376
00:15:44,860 --> 00:15:47,029
I wrote with a Flair pen.

377
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:49,365
(chuckles)
Well, that's just great, boys.

378
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:52,034
Now come over here so
Mrs. Simpson can take a photo.

379
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:54,453
Make sure our temporary tats
are in the picture.

380
00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:57,081
Mine's a sassy princess
who speaks her mind.

381
00:15:57,164 --> 00:15:58,082
Oh!

382
00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,667
Mine's a duck
with no pants.

383
00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:01,418
What if we were
raptured right now?

384
00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:03,921
Ned,
I said it was okay.

385
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:05,631
Yeah, chillax, Daddy.

386
00:16:05,714 --> 00:16:07,841
Chillax?
Young man, in the Flanders' house

387
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,385
we speak the King's diddily.

388
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:10,594
Time for cake!

389
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,388
Let's finish this sucker up.

390
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:15,265
You get my boys tattoos,
you change their school,

391
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:18,727
you buy Rod sneakers that light
up like Times Square.

392
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,854
Shoes are shoes
and lights are lights.

393
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:23,732
Now just when do I get a say
in how my boys are raised?!

394
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,567
This marriage isn't perfect!

395
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,236
(phones beeping)

396
00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,238
No video! Party over!

397
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,407
Cake!

398
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:32,908
Too late, Marge.

399
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,994
Mm!

400
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:37,746
Ned, these boys trust me
to be their mother.

401
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,249
You'd better decide
whether you do.

402
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:42,626
(gasps)

403
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,963
And that's that.
Another story in the classic,

404
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:48,173
infallible three-act structure.

405
00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:49,466
Good enough for Aristotle,

406
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:50,968
good enough for the Simpsons.

407
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:52,761
Mr. Syzslak,
I have a feeling

408
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,930
there's gonna be one more act
to this story.

409
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,099
Well, I'm not hanging
around for that.

410
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:58,350
Four acts...

411
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,773
Ned, how did you sleep?

412
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,191
Fine, I guess.

413
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,818
Thanks for loaning me
your pajamas, Homer.

414
00:17:07,901 --> 00:17:11,363
And, Marge, thank you for those
helpful chip bag clips.

415
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,866
(clacking)

416
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,201
I just felt so ashamed,

417
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:17,369
I couldn't go home.

418
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,580
Yesterday
I gave in to the one thing

419
00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:24,209
I vowed I would never have
in my marriage: strong feeling.

420
00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,754
Here's your lunches...
with some cake.

421
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:30,382
You'll be having cake
for a long, long time.

422
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,301
Bart, aren't you
gonna tell Mom and Dad

423
00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:33,719
about the problem
you have?

424
00:17:33,802 --> 00:17:34,887
Shut up!

425
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,597
I'm just saying
it won't get better

426
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,557
unless you talk
to an adult.

427
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,100
Maggie knows how
to keep a secret.

428
00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:41,143
Why can't you?

429
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,023
Bart, is there something
you want to tell us?

430
00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:47,316
Oh, Marge,
let the kid have

431
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:50,235
his embarrassing secrets
and lies.

432
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,237
That is totally
irresponsible parenting.

433
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,239
Not according to the Internet.

434
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:55,824
Where on the Internet?

435
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:59,286
I'm sure some idiot somewhere
agrees with me.

436
00:17:59,369 --> 00:18:00,746
Why would you believe him?

437
00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:03,415
Because his avatar
is Darth Maul,

438
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,793
the second-coolest Darth.

439
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,171
And what he says is true
because it's in all caps.

440
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:11,006
Are you gonna argue with caps?

441
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,341
Why does that make it right?

442
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:15,344
He took the time to press
the shift key, Marge.

443
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:17,429
I think he knows
what he's talking about.

444
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:20,099
So after all this time together
you two still haven't agreed

445
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:21,517
on how to raise your kids?

446
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,436
Ned, I realized long ago
there are some things

447
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,397
Homer and I will never
completely agree on.

448
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,441
(chuckles)
Yeah, but we make sure

449
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,235
never to go to bed hungry.

450
00:18:31,318 --> 00:18:32,402
It's "angry."

451
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,113
Don't tell me
what our thing is!

452
00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:36,198
It's about not
agreeing on something.

453
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:38,534
I've always said hungry!

454
00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,786
Bart,
just tell us the problem.

455
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:45,374
I'm keeping a dolphin
in my bathtub!

456
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,793
I thought I heard
clicks and pops!

457
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,128
(microphone feeds back)

458
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:50,796
Children, your test scores
are down

459
00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,589
because we've been having
so many assemblies,

460
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,508
you haven't had time to study.

461
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,051
This assembly will remedy that.

462
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,302
We've invited
a few friends over

463
00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:59,513
to give you some musical cues.

464
00:18:59,596 --> 00:19:01,348
(piano plays bouncy intro)

465
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:03,934
I'm Sally Scantron Sheet.

466
00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:05,185
And I'm Peter Pencil.

467
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,104
Now, you didn't hear it
from us,

468
00:19:07,187 --> 00:19:09,398
but the answers
to the test are...

469
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:13,735
<i>(to tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb")</i>
<i>♪ A, B, D, D, C, A, B... ♪</i>

470
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,821
Are you just giving
them the answers?

471
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,656
They still have
to sign their names properly,

472
00:19:17,739 --> 00:19:19,408
so we're not totally
out of woods.

473
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,660
Pause the assembly!

474
00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:23,579
I have to talk to my wife.

475
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,747
-Ned?
-My rival.

476
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:26,832
Some rivalry.

477
00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:29,835
It's like Secretariat
versus a can of dog food.

478
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:32,671
Edna, I'm sorry,
and I'll say it in front of God

479
00:19:32,754 --> 00:19:33,672
or Groundskeeper Willie.

480
00:19:33,755 --> 00:19:35,257
Oh, Ned,
I'm sorry, too.

481
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,050
I overstepped
your boundaries.

482
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:40,512
I guess I never really truly cared
about children before.

483
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,140
-(all gasp)
-Oh, get over it.

484
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:44,558
And, Ned, I'll be exactly

485
00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:46,518
as much mom as you
want me to be.

486
00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,812
Hey, the Simpsons
make it up as they go along,

487
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,689
and they're as happy
as a ribbon in a Bible.

488
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:53,108
-What do you say, sweetie?
-Ha!

489
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,526
-Mmm...
-Mmm...

490
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,778
(cheering)

491
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,198
Now in our 50th location
in Springfield.

492
00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:01,950
Sleazy Sam would like
to welcome our special

493
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:05,537
grand-opening star,
Jesus.

494
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:08,040
Welcome, money changers.

495
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:09,541
You can trust Sleazy Sam

496
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:13,670
for the best rates,
or my name isn't Jesus H....

497
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,547
-(thunder cracks)
-Ow!

498
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:16,882
Are you gonna do that

499
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:18,800
every time
I open one of these?

500
00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:26,600
{\an8}<i>♪ Hens loves roosters,</i>
<i>geese love ganders ♪</i>

501
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,685
{\an8}<i>♪ Everyone else loves</i>
<i>Ned Flanders ♪</i>

502
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:29,937
{\an8}<i>(record needle skips)</i>

503
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:32,481
{\an8}<i>NED: ♪ My mustache is bristly,</i>
<i>my letters are epistly ♪</i>

504
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:33,815
{\an8}<i>♪ And I don't want</i>
<i>to mislead you ♪</i>

505
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:35,984
{\an8}<i>-♪ I like to hug and kissly ♪</i>
<i>-EDNA: Ha!</i>

506
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,111
{\an8}<i>♪ First base, yo,</i>
<i>I like Christian rap ♪</i>

507
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,529
{\an8}<i>♪ A Bible on my lap ♪</i>

508
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,365
{\an8}<i>HOMER: ♪ Will you stop</i>
<i>this stupid crap? ♪</i>

509
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,075
{\an8}<i>♪ I want to take a nap ♪</i>

510
00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:44,826
{\an8}<i>NED:</i>
<i>Okely-dokely.</i>

511
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,306
Shh!

512
00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:12,521
{\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay