1 00:00:02,752 --> 00:00:05,255 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:06,214 (screams) 3 00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:12,178 (exclaiming) 4 00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:18,226 (school bell ringing) 5 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,605 (Barney belches) 6 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,190 (whistle blows) 7 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,067 (yells) 8 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,822 (playing the blues) 9 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:36,995 (tires screeching) 10 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,414 D'oh! 11 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:42,459 (grunts) 12 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:29,964 {\an8}This is Kent Brockman at the 1st Annual Springfield Grand Prix, 13 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:31,966 {\an8}which, like all our town showcase events, 14 00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:35,220 {\an8}is not only poorly planned, it's horribly executed. 15 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,597 {\an8}(horns honking) 16 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:42,769 {\an8}BURNS: The Making of the Empire State Building, 17 00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:44,938 {\an8}Part One: The Basement. 18 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:46,147 {\an8}(horns beeping) 19 00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:49,150 {\an8}(gibbering) 20 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,152 {\an8}(cat screeching) 21 00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:52,946 {\an8}(tires screeching) 22 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,741 {\an8}(screaming) 23 00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,828 {\an8}ALL: Aw! 24 00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:04,332 {\an8}Wait for the gap... Wait for the gap. 25 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:07,127 {\an8}Homer, we can buy Scotch tape tomorrow. 26 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,336 {\an8}There's the gap! 27 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:09,712 {\an8}(all screaming) 28 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,005 {\an8}Gap's too small! 29 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,842 {\an8}-(screaming) -LISA: Huh? 30 00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:15,260 {\an8}A peloton? 31 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:17,387 {\an8}Apparently, today is also the final stage 32 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,430 {\an8}of the Tour De Springfield bike race. 33 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,309 {\an8}Hey, that's some fancy riding. 34 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,435 {\an8}(clattering) 35 00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,688 {\an8}(yelling, grunting) 36 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:35,989 {\an8}Truthfully, today, there were no losers and no winners 37 00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:39,826 {\an8}since both finish lines were tangled up in this unholy mess. 38 00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:42,495 {\an8}-(tapping) -I hear tapping from inside. 39 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:44,164 {\an8}-(murmuring) -What's goin' on? 40 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:48,168 {\an8}Well, uh, let's, uh, all start tapping our toes 41 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:52,338 {\an8}to the sounds of Scab Calloway and his non-union band. 42 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,715 {\an8}(tapping) 43 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:54,966 {\an8}Uh, keep it down in there. 44 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:57,427 {\an8}(Taser crackling) 45 00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,596 {\an8}(dance music plays) 46 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:03,683 {\an8}So, is this a "date" date or just a meaningless friend thing? 47 00:03:03,766 --> 00:03:05,935 {\an8}-Meaningless friend thing. -True love super date! 48 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:08,646 {\an8}Well, if you two ever get serious and have a baby, 49 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,690 {\an8}it'll look something like this. 50 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:15,862 {\an8}Don't listen to Uncle Bart. 51 00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:19,073 {\an8}Lisa and I will raise you in a house of love. 52 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,992 {\an8}We're not having a baby. 53 00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:22,327 {\an8}Jimmy! 54 00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:24,495 {\an8}Oh, brother. Let's dance. 55 00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:30,168 {\an8}Geek leak! 56 00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:32,295 {\an8}(laughing) 57 00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:35,089 {\an8}Hey, Bart, at least I've got a date. 58 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,926 {\an8}Dance with me, please. 59 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:38,885 {\an8}I need to zing my sister. 60 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:41,721 {\an8}Okay, but you have to do your homework. 61 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:43,932 {\an8}Just kidding. I've given up on that. 62 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:46,100 {\an8}Just move your girdle, Yertle. 63 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,062 {\an8}Hey, Lise, your dance partner 64 00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:51,564 {\an8}just made the cover of Dorks Illustrated magazine. 65 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:55,276 {\an8}I know that's a zing, but still... the cover! 66 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,028 {\an8}Now, you listen to me, Bart. 67 00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:59,197 {\an8}Milhouse may not be the perfect date. 68 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,616 {\an8}Please let there be a "but" coming, please! 69 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,117 {\an8}-But... -Landed it! 70 00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:07,830 {\an8}At least I'm with someone who tries a little too hard 71 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,749 {\an8}because he really likes me. 72 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:12,835 {\an8}Hey, plenty of babes have docked in Porta de Barto. 73 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,837 {\an8}Yeah, for about a week. 74 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,631 {\an8}But as soon as they get to know the real you, 75 00:04:16,714 --> 00:04:18,800 {\an8}they departo de Barto. 76 00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,551 {\an8}That's why you're alone tonight. 77 00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:24,931 {\an8}Oh, my God, is that true? 78 00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,975 {\an8}MOE: Yeah, I'm afraid Lisa's right, son. 79 00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:30,728 {\an8}If the late, great Nora Ephron taught us anything, it's... 80 00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,356 {\an8}Oh! What's my other inflatable doll doing here? 81 00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:37,068 What? What? 82 00:04:37,151 --> 00:04:39,070 I ain't here with no one. 83 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,290 Oh, man, Lisa's right. 84 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,458 None of these relationships lasted very long. 85 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,794 Three days. One recess. 86 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,421 Half a field trip. 87 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:58,965 Why did I have to get so needy at the planetarium? 88 00:04:59,048 --> 00:05:02,135 Boy, if anyone needs me, I'll be taking a popcorn bath. 89 00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:04,387 It's a thing I read about in a Men's Health magazine 90 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:05,555 in a dream. 91 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,640 Dad, can I ask you a question? 92 00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:10,476 How did you ever get a woman like Mom to stay with you? 93 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,062 (scoffs) Look in the mirror, unplanned miracle. 94 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,647 Is that the only reason? 95 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,442 Well, I also keep things interesting. 96 00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:19,569 MARGE: All right, who took the microwave? 97 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:20,987 (laughing) You see? 98 00:05:21,070 --> 00:05:22,822 Hey, what are you looking at? 99 00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:24,282 My ex-girlfriends. 100 00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:26,409 Aw, boy, I feel for you. 101 00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:27,869 Nobody likes to be rejected, 102 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:30,705 and it never gets easier, until you can drink. 103 00:05:30,788 --> 00:05:32,874 Because then you can express your unfiltered feelings 104 00:05:32,957 --> 00:05:34,792 by drunk dialing. 105 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:37,045 Observe. (slurring) Hey, it's me again. 106 00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:39,339 He's there, isn't he? 107 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,049 Well, I hope this doesn't sound weird, 108 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,051 but I'm inside your closet. 109 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:46,637 Um, that's awesome, but I think I'll visit my ex-girlfriends 110 00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:48,681 and prove they still like me. 111 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,892 (cell phone rings) 112 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,269 HOMER: Hey. It's me. 113 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,104 I was thinking about you. 114 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:58,274 It's your birthday in like, three, four months? 115 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,361 Would it be weird if I threw you a party? 116 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,403 (knocking) 117 00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:05,448 Eat my shorts! 118 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:06,824 Drop dead. 119 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:09,744 Eat fist, jerk. 120 00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:12,705 You've got a lot of nerve showing up here... 121 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,957 and not giving me a kiss. 122 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,709 Inappropriate! 123 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:17,877 I miss you. 124 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,545 Stalker! 125 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,422 Save me. 126 00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:24,092 (rooster crowing) 127 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,802 Mary Spuckler, 128 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,470 you're my last chance. 129 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:30,390 She's pretty cute for Cletus's daughter. 130 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,850 Yeah, she liked to drink milk as a kid instead of white paint. 131 00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:36,604 Is you one of my kids? 132 00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:37,814 No, sir. 133 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:38,981 Prove it. 134 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,066 A, B, C... 135 00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:41,150 All right. All right. 136 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,985 You convinced me, Einstein. 137 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,113 -What you want? -Is Mary here? 138 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,407 I'm afraid Mary done run off. 139 00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,367 We knows not where. 140 00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,869 Dadgummit. Do you think she still likes me? 141 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,996 Um, hey, Brandine! 142 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,499 Does Mary still like this boy? 143 00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:59,293 I don't know what that girl likes anymore. 144 00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:02,213 She ran away after we engaged her to Old Man Wellbottom. 145 00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:04,799 WELLBOTTOM: And I was gonna be a good husband, too! 146 00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:06,884 If'n I ever get out of this well. 147 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,011 All right. All right now. 148 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,514 -That's enough out of you. -WELLBOTTOM: But I just-- 149 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,351 Oh, I can't believe she ran away. 150 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,978 And this isn't helping. 151 00:07:17,061 --> 00:07:18,771 I better switch to the hard stuff. 152 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:20,106 Hey, Dubya. 153 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:22,400 I know where my sister run off to. 154 00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:24,026 New York City. 155 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:25,361 New York? 156 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,321 That's where Sesame Street is. 157 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:30,575 Do you ever wonder what happens to Oscar on garbage day? 158 00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:32,910 Yup, New York. 159 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,537 The big something. 160 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:35,830 This here's her address. 161 00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:36,998 Good luck! 162 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,552 I don't know if we should be up here, Bart Simpson. 163 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,262 BART: And why is that? 164 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:52,805 (wood cracks, Bart yells) 165 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,557 'Cause the floor ain't finished. 166 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,977 Daddy just covers things with hay and says they're done. 167 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:03,983 Mom, can we go to New York to find this girl I used to know? 168 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,985 Bart, that's sweet, 169 00:08:06,068 --> 00:08:08,529 but we'd need airplane money, hotel money... 170 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:11,908 And $500 for Yankee tickets, which turn out to be bogus. 171 00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,618 Well, don't buy 'em. 172 00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:15,620 But they're playing the Purple Sox. 173 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:17,663 Come on, Dad, you love New York. 174 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,999 Now, that your two least favorite buildings 175 00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:22,251 have been obliterated: Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium. 176 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,504 Lousy, outdated relics! 177 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:28,090 Boy, do you remember what happened the last time we went to New York? 178 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,176 (cool jazz playing) 179 00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:35,890 Keep your meat hooks off my sister Marge or my goons 180 00:08:35,973 --> 00:08:37,350 will do a soft shoe on your solar plexus. 181 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:39,602 You're dead, J.J. Get yourself buried. 182 00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:41,562 Tough cookie, huh? Well, watch me take a bite out of ya. 183 00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:43,689 I'm about to go owl shooting, and you just said who. 184 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,274 That's some lip you got on you. 185 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,693 How'd you like me to stretch it like a rubber band and snap you into last week? 186 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:51,239 You're selling milk, J.J., and I got a sour stomach. 187 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,577 Homer, that sounds like The Sweet Smell of Success. 188 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,454 It didn't feel like success. 189 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,878 Why, ladies? Why?! 190 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:08,798 Son, you can dial down the crazy. 191 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,091 Your mother and I talked about it, 192 00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:12,218 and we found a way to get to New York. 193 00:09:12,301 --> 00:09:13,928 It's all set, boy. 194 00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,806 To save money, we're swapping houses. 195 00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,475 But don't the people wreck your house when they stay in it? 196 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,435 I didn't say I swapped our house. 197 00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:25,106 Yeah, how ya doing? We're staying here for two weeks. 198 00:09:25,189 --> 00:09:27,525 Lord, you're testing me, aren't you? 199 00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:28,901 Yeah, keep talking to your friend up there. 200 00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:30,319 We'll be doing it on your bed. 201 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,029 New York style. 202 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,835 Look at this place. 203 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:47,086 Things have certainly changed 204 00:09:47,169 --> 00:09:49,672 since our ancestor Fievel came here. 205 00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:51,340 Fievel was a mouse in a movie. 206 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,467 Yes, and now look at us. 207 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,052 Only in America. 208 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:57,722 MAN: Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash! 209 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,058 Oh, geez, not this guy with his stupid little pushcart. 210 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,061 50,000 square feet, huh? All Khlav Kalash! 211 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,188 Used to be bookstore. (laughs) 212 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,398 Books. 213 00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:11,027 Come on, let's go find Mary. This is the address her brother gave me. 214 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:13,696 Can't Dad take Bart while we seek out culture? 215 00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,323 You do that. 216 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:18,159 Do you know you're missing your clothes? 217 00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:19,702 I thought this was just a dream. 218 00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:21,454 Oh, man! 219 00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,964 All right, I'll spring for a cab. 220 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,299 Much better. 221 00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:36,385 CABBIE: Here we are. 222 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,055 Anything you leave in a cab you'll never see again. 223 00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:42,475 (snoring quietly) 224 00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:44,935 Hey! 225 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:47,647 Oh, uh, oh, thank God you woke up. 226 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:50,149 (doorbell buzzing) 227 00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:56,322 Oh, I guess my search for true love is doomed. 228 00:10:56,405 --> 00:10:58,824 You've learned a very valuable life lesson, boy. 229 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,993 Which is that love doesn't exist, 230 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,580 except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. 231 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,750 After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kind of 232 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,586 hates you but you can't get it together to leave. 233 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:13,255 I'll get us some ice cream. 234 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,468 What's the matter, darling? 235 00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:19,428 Thanks for asking, Duchess. 236 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:22,431 I'm sitting here waiting for a girl that's never gonna show up. 237 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,017 -What makes you so sure? -Girls don't like me. 238 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,561 I don't really like them yet either, but I think I'm gonna. 239 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,438 There's a storm a-brewing down there. 240 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,066 Well, there's a girl a-standin' right here. 241 00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:33,442 It's me, Mary. 242 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,112 Wow, what are you doing for money? 243 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:39,615 Well, it's not very steady, and I'm kind of ashamed. 244 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,784 I'm a featured player on Saturday Night Live. 245 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:44,537 DON PARDO: Mary Spuckler! 246 00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,330 Aw, I'm lying. 247 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,416 My whole life here is a bunch of lies. 248 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:50,543 I'm just a writer with a performing option. 249 00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:53,129 Let's talk about something else. 250 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,256 Something nice. 251 00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,594 So, this is basically what we can afford. 252 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:03,681 Okay, second balcony, partially obstructed view, 253 00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:05,808 no bathroom privileges, and you must stipulate that, 254 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:08,144 in emergencies, you can change a spotlight gel. 255 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:11,147 Well, at least I'll be able to say I went to a Broadway show. 256 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,523 You're not allowed to say that. 257 00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:14,400 Oh, forget it. 258 00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:17,903 So, Bart Simpson, did you really come 259 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:19,864 all the way here just to see me? 260 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,824 Yeah. Plus, I thought I might get 261 00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:23,534 to see an air conditioner fall on someone's head. 262 00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:24,869 But I guess that never really... 263 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:26,162 HOMER: D'oh! Ow! 264 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:27,955 -Is that your father? -HOMER: What was that? 265 00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:29,749 Bart, I want to see you again, 266 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,084 but I don't want a grownup taking me back. 267 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,712 Meet me at the high line tomorrow. 268 00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:36,589 Keep my secret! 269 00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:38,340 You little! 270 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,259 Where's that ice cream?! 271 00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:42,261 Just once, I'd like your father 272 00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:44,555 to be on a jumbotron for something good. 273 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,599 HOMER: Damn you and your fluted neck! 274 00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,356 So, what did you do with your dad? 275 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,151 We're safe because you have to climb steps to get up here. 276 00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,111 (Homer groans) 277 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,906 -Can't move? -No. 278 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,868 I thought there was no crime in New York anymore. 279 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,579 Giuliani! 280 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:10,623 Gimme some news of Springfield. 281 00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,583 They let Sideshow Bob out of prison again. 282 00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:14,418 (train horn blows) 283 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,129 Huh, didn't know they still ran those trains. 284 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,756 How's your momma and your sister? 285 00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:20,841 Trying to find high culture at low prices. 286 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,510 No, Lisa! 287 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:25,721 If you click that turnstile, it'll blow our budget! 288 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,348 -Aah! -Whaah! 289 00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:29,934 Well, without them around, 290 00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:32,394 you and I can walk through the city holding hands, 291 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,896 just like the menfolk do. 292 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,773 I could listen to your twang all day. 293 00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:37,650 Would you care to hear it in song? 294 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,109 'Cause I wrote one 'bout you. 295 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,694 Can I do a rap in the middle of it? 296 00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:42,488 Or you could just listen. 297 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:45,658 Sir, may I borrow your guitar? 298 00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:47,993 Sure, sure. It's the case that makes money. 299 00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:57,545 ♪ A boy I knew turned up again ♪ 300 00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:00,798 ♪ Kind of liked him way back when ♪ 301 00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:04,343 ♪ Chased him round the livestock bend... ♪ 302 00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:06,887 (rapping) Rolling on my skateboard, pimping like a drug lord... 303 00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,640 ♪ Well I'm on the cusp of womanhood ♪ 304 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:11,350 ♪ And I like a boy ♪ 305 00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,394 ♪ That ain't no good at nothin' ♪ 306 00:14:13,477 --> 00:14:16,021 ♪ 'Cept making me smile ♪ 307 00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,815 ♪ That's Bart ♪ 308 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:20,985 ♪ I thought my old ways I had shed ♪ 309 00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,320 ♪ But I sure missed his cylinder head ♪ 310 00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:27,032 ♪ Now that boy has a-come to me, oh, yes ♪ 311 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:31,996 ♪ B-A-R, now where's that T? ♪ 312 00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:34,498 ♪ Where is it? I don't know ♪ 313 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:39,086 ♪ Oh, that's Bart ♪ 314 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:42,214 I really like you, Bart Simpson. 315 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:48,429 -I've come to take you back, Mary. -Daddy? 316 00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:52,766 Sorry, honey, your mother misses you, but she just can't say it. 317 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:55,311 That's 'cause the donkey busted her jaw. 318 00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,855 She'll be fine. Your mother too. 319 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,904 All right, Broadway's too expensive, 320 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,697 the museums are over-curated, 321 00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:08,449 but Shakespeare in the Park is tonight 322 00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:09,992 and the tickets are free. 323 00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,378 (sighs) 324 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:26,884 Get your cuckold's horns, neck ruffles, Yorik skulls! 325 00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,761 I'll take a cuckold's horn! 326 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,558 It works! 327 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,894 Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. 328 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:40,564 Lad-ies and gen-tle-men, I have an an-nounce-ment-- 329 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:43,150 (gasps) That's not iambic pentameter! 330 00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:45,569 I'm afraid that tonight's show has been cancelled. 331 00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,279 -Why? -Wherefore? 332 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:50,532 The Baldwin brothers, who were, uh, playing the Montague family 333 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,452 and the Sheen/Estevez clan, our Capulets, have quit the production. 334 00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:56,038 You guys suck at acting and you ate all the potato salad. 335 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,749 No, you suck at acting and it's first come, first serve! 336 00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:00,209 I made that potato salad! 337 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,878 Well, uh, idiot, it says Zaybar's on the package! 338 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,505 He works at Zaybar's. 339 00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:06,006 We all work at Zaybar's. 340 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,967 I'm so sorry. 341 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,469 You came to see Romeo and Juliet, not feuding families. 342 00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:13,430 Uh, the long, slow line to leave the theatre forms on the left. 343 00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,974 (crowd grumbling) 344 00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,643 Aw, and we have to walk by a drum circle! 345 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:21,355 Faster, man! More annoying! 346 00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:23,399 Not so fast! 347 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:26,110 We came for Shakespeare and we're gonna see Shakespeare. 348 00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:27,861 Anyone who wants to be in this, 349 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,989 grab a doublet and meet me backstage! 350 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,825 Is there, mayhaps, a bit of business for me? 351 00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:34,910 I was thinking amateurs only. 352 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,955 Well, my only professional job was playing 353 00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:40,874 a nefarious hot dog in an ad for Taco Bueno. 354 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:44,044 (sniffs) You fresh-made tacos will never 355 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,838 defeat pre-boiled hot dogs! 356 00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,131 (laughing) 357 00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:51,260 Please, I owe Yale Drama School $200,000. 358 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:53,971 -They keep calling my mother. -Fine! You're in. 359 00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:56,765 I must warn you, I have crippling stage fright. 360 00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,642 Oh, for the love of God! 361 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,314 MARGE: For never was a story of more woe 362 00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:07,401 than this of Juliet and her Romeo. 363 00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,405 Our search for culture is thus concluded, 364 00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:14,241 For the Bard of Avon is well suited 365 00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:16,910 to a crowd with every cell phone muted. 366 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:19,663 Geez, I can't stop talking like this. 367 00:17:19,747 --> 00:17:21,290 Hey, don't ever stop! 368 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:24,043 Because, tonight, we made it in New York. 369 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:26,003 Those the people who took over the theatre? 370 00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:29,048 Pepper spray and power wash-- the New York hug and kiss. 371 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:30,924 (Marge screams) 372 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:38,182 Now, Mary, you listen to me. 373 00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,851 I'm one-third your father, and you're gonna come back. 374 00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,352 If y'all will excuse me, 375 00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,980 I gotta freshen up for the ride home. 376 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:49,026 Enjoy your fancy-schmancy in-house for the last time. 377 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,279 Psst! 378 00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,948 -Um, I've got to go. -Go where? 379 00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:57,034 Uh, well, since we're here, 380 00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:59,119 I'm gonna go try to get Al Roker's autograph. 381 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:02,706 Here you go, little fan. Killer storm on the way. 382 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:06,001 (nervous laugh) Um, I gonna go try to sell this. 383 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,377 I'll buy it back. 384 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:08,378 (groans) 385 00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,467 Goodbye, Bart, and don't worry, 386 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,219 there'll be other Mary Spucklers, 387 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:19,848 including my sisters Mary Zeke and Mary Not Quite Right. 388 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,308 CROWD: Aw! 389 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,439 (train horn blows) 390 00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:30,567 Bart, if any girl tries to fix you, let 'em, 391 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,694 because you got a couple of big problems. 392 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,072 But mostly, you're great! 393 00:18:39,284 --> 00:18:42,579 -Boy, you tell me where Mary's gone! -I can't. 394 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:46,375 Boy, you squeal like a piggy for the hillbilly man. 395 00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:49,586 I can't because Mary's the girl that proves that girls can like me. 396 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,797 And she wouldn't like me anymore if I gave her up. 397 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,800 So I won't, even if you torture me like you do the English language. 398 00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:57,678 Well, if that ain't aren't the isn't. 399 00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:02,057 (sighs) I guess I just gotta let Mary find her own way. 400 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,893 Come on, let's head on back to Springfield. 401 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,814 Uh, one on-getter for the clickity clack, please. 402 00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,821 You miss her, don't you, son? 403 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,658 You want a picture of her for your wallet? 404 00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:23,162 Oh, she's somewhere in B-3. 405 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,247 Thanks, man. 406 00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:27,040 Aw, look at that. 407 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,585 My little guy's finally realizing 408 00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:32,713 how complicated grownup feelings can be. 409 00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:35,716 Well, at least it didn't end as bad as Romeo and Juliet. 410 00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:38,594 No kidding. I saw your reviews. 411 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,262 -(snickering) -Hey! 412 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,847 I specifically said no critics! 413 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,724 This is outrageous! 414 00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:46,101 (gasps) Ooh, but they like me. 415 00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:54,943 I hope you enjoyed the show tonight. 416 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,112 And if you're worried about when the air conditioner 417 00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:00,282 fell on my head, rest assured it was a stunt man, 418 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,285 and his family is being well taken care of. 419 00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:07,164 But we're here to ask if you have an idea for a couch gag. 420 00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:10,000 The best submission will be animated and appear on the show. 421 00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:12,294 Do we screw them on the credit? 422 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:16,798 No! For details, log on to TheSimpsons.com. 423 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,217 I'm submitting mine now. 424 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,553 (all laughing) 425 00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:09,935 {\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay