1 00:00:03,294 --> 00:00:04,587 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:06,172 (panting, gunfire, yelps) 3 00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:12,137 (exclaiming) 4 00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,435 (school bell ringing) 5 00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,647 (Barney belches) 6 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,274 (whistle blows) 7 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,067 (yells) 8 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:31,740 (beeping) 9 00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:38,830 (playing the blues) 10 00:00:46,963 --> 00:00:48,006 D'oh! 11 00:00:48,089 --> 00:00:49,215 (tires screeching) 12 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,425 (grunts) 13 00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:54,512 ♪ The Szyslaks ♪ 14 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,681 Already cancelled. 15 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,475 (sighs) 16 00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:00,894 {\an8}♪♪ 17 00:01:05,231 --> 00:01:07,108 {\an8}Everything I know about women 18 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,194 {\an8}can be summed up by a jump-rope rhyme: 19 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:11,029 {\an8}"Girls go to Mars to buy candy bars, 20 00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:13,823 {\an8}boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider." 21 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,159 {\an8}Except I didn't have to go to Jupiter to get stupider. 22 00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:19,579 {\an8}(clears throat) I had a bigger ball of gas I could study. 23 00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:22,582 {\an8}FEMALE GPS: In three-tenths of a mile, make a right turn. 24 00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,584 {\an8}Homer, listen to the GPS. 25 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,044 {\an8}-GPS: Turn right... -Homer, watch the road! 26 00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:27,629 {\an8}-onto First Street, head east. -Not this road, the other road! 27 00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,005 {\an8}Ladies, please! 28 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:31,216 {\an8}You can boss me around, just one at a time! 29 00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:33,343 {\an8}-On Main Street, turn right now... -Our Sunday drive is ruined! 30 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:35,095 {\an8}Hands at ten and two! 31 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:37,263 {\an8}MARGE: What are you doing? It said turn left, not right. 32 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,432 {\an8}(screaming) 33 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,184 {\an8}-BART: Huh? -HOMER: Huh? 34 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,519 {\an8}-Hmm. -What the...? 35 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:46,231 {\an8}GPS: Switching to male voice... 36 00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:48,024 {\an8}MALE GPS: ...so you will obey. 37 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,776 {\an8}Finally! A supervisor! 38 00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,027 {\an8}Oh... 39 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,905 {\an8}So the closest thing I had to an adult male role model 40 00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:55,532 {\an8}were the schoolyard bullies. 41 00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:56,699 {\an8}Hey, Simpson! 42 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,660 {\an8}I dare you to stick this caterpillar 43 00:01:58,743 --> 00:02:00,036 {\an8}down that girl's dress. 44 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,455 {\an8}Can't I just stick it in Skinner's sloppy joe? 45 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:04,958 {\an8}It would actually be the only meat in said joe. 46 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,292 {\an8}Not everything can be solved 47 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,044 {\an8}with Skinner pranks, Bart. 48 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,547 {\an8}Yeah, think outside the Skinner box. 49 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,173 {\an8}(laughing) 50 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,383 {\an8}Hey, look, 51 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,969 {\an8}that movie we were in got short-listed for an Oscar. 52 00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:18,388 {\an8}-KEARNEY: Awesome! -(gasps, bullies laugh) 53 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,306 {\an8}Who's that stickin' a fuzzy-wuzzy down my back? 54 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,142 {\an8}Mary Spuckler! 55 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,227 {\an8}♪ Lady ♪ 56 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:28,648 {\an8}♪ I'm your knight in shining armor ♪ 57 00:02:28,731 --> 00:02:31,234 {\an8}♪ And I love you ♪ 58 00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:33,403 {\an8}I thought you left home to be a star. 59 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,113 {\an8}There's a lot of 13-year-olds out there 60 00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:36,406 {\an8}with a voice and a dream. 61 00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:38,199 {\an8}I only got work as a hand model. 62 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:39,617 {\an8}Whoa. 63 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,119 {\an8}That's your hand? 64 00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:43,121 {\an8}Just the thumb. Did you miss me? 65 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,749 {\an8}(moaning) 66 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,460 {\an8}Get out of my face, cootie breath! 67 00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:51,129 {\an8}I did miss you. 68 00:02:51,212 --> 00:02:53,464 {\an8}You stink! Come over Saturday. 69 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:55,216 {\an8}I'm gonna have to push you in the mud now. 70 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,051 {\an8}Don't you pig-waller me, mister! 71 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,595 {\an8}Do what you must, darlin'. 72 00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:01,389 {\an8}-(grunts) -(laughing) 73 00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:05,310 {\an8}That sure makes up for my dad beating me last night. 74 00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:06,811 {\an8}And for my dyslexia. 75 00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:08,646 {\an8}(bullies laughing) 76 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,106 {\an8}(doorbell rings) 77 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,274 {\an8}(yawns) 78 00:03:11,357 --> 00:03:12,942 {\an8}Mary? 79 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,737 {\an8}(shrieks) Thank God I wore the underwear 80 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,322 {\an8}with the hole on the side. 81 00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:18,573 {\an8}(humming) 82 00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,325 {\an8}It's 8:00 in the morning. 83 00:03:20,408 --> 00:03:22,744 {\an8}I'm a farm girl. I already milked the cows, 84 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:24,829 {\an8}overcame a bout of prairie madness, 85 00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,831 {\an8}and made you some sausage and biscuits. 86 00:03:28,791 --> 00:03:31,753 {\an8}Rain is so romantic, don't you think? 87 00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:33,171 {\an8}You get the picture. 88 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:34,464 {\an8}Perfect girl. 89 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:35,798 {\an8}(imitating Woody Allen) So, like a schmuck, 90 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,342 {\an8}I treat her like day-old matzo. 91 00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:39,594 {\an8}(coughs) 92 00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:41,846 (ominous music plays on video game, gunfire) 93 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,141 {\an8}(screams) 94 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,601 {\an8}(screams) 95 00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:49,145 {\an8}BART: Doctors Without Borders, you're now doctors without faces! 96 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,355 {\an8}(monkeys hooting) 97 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:51,940 {\an8}(laughs) 98 00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:54,192 {\an8}Bart, when are we gonna do girl things, 99 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:56,444 {\an8}like catch a frog or leg wrastle? 100 00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:58,154 {\an8}Soon, baby, soon. 101 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,781 {\an8}Let me just kill Milhouse's character. 102 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:01,950 {\an8}He thinks we're on the same team. 103 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,493 {\an8}MILHOUSE: Betrayed again! 104 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,286 {\an8}Mary, could I steal Bart for a minute? 105 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,121 {\an8}Ask his girlfriend, the game. 106 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:10,208 {\an8}Oh, Mary, you know you're the coolest person I've ever hung out with. 107 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,626 {\an8}MILHOUSE: Another betrayal! 108 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:15,004 {\an8}Bart Simpson, I don't know what the future holds for you... 109 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,131 {\an8}If you're lucky, me, then this. 110 00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:19,217 {\an8}...but, Bart, I do know this: 111 00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,386 {\an8}you will not do better than Mary Spuckler, 112 00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:24,180 {\an8}so don't ignore her for a stupid video game! 113 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,057 {\an8}Hey, relax. 114 00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,017 {\an8}She knows she's the apple of the corner of my eye. 115 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,145 {\an8}-Bart, do you mind if I call my mother? -Not at all. 116 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:33,731 {\an8}Mama! Come pick me up, I'm bored! 117 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,191 {\an8}BRANDINE: You'll have to wait! 118 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,151 The mule's takin' a nap! 119 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,070 We hope it's a nap. 120 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,573 (video game gunfire) 121 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,663 -(clanging) -Dinnertime! 122 00:04:48,746 --> 00:04:50,373 ♪♪ 123 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,013 Now, let's enjoy the granola bars that city fella gave us 124 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:06,597 in exchange for lettin' him go. 125 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:09,058 That'll teach him to try to preserve 126 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,311 our folk singing for posterity. 127 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:13,187 (scatting) 128 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,775 Just wait till my dad hears this 129 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,569 at 3:00 a.m. on NPR. 130 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:22,071 It'll prove I'm not wasting my life. 131 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,906 You realize you just ruined the recording. 132 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,159 (scatting continues) 133 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,456 A lot of musical talent in this house. 134 00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:34,417 But no one blows on a blade of grass like you. 135 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:38,171 (playing "Flight of the Bumblebee") 136 00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,175 Eight more payments and I own this. 137 00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:45,345 But are you sure there ain't no video game you'd rather be playin'? 138 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,013 All eyes on you, baby. 139 00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:48,723 Well, tell your eye-ears 140 00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,892 to watch-listen to this! 141 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,353 ♪ I used to think I wanted to roam ♪ 142 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:56,939 ♪ But there ain't not never no place ♪ 143 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,858 ♪ None better than home ♪ 144 00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:01,194 Count the negatives, it all works out. 145 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:05,114 ♪ They say that home is where the heart is ♪ 146 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,283 ♪ But for me it's where the Bart is... ♪ 147 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,951 Now what are you doing? 148 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,620 (piglets squealing) 149 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:12,705 I wrote a whole song for you, Bart Simpson. 150 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,791 Least you could do is pay me full mind. 151 00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,001 I was gonna enter it in a competition. 152 00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:18,544 Ay, caramba! 153 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:21,297 Well, you're gonna win, 'cause you've got star quality. 154 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,466 Like the Hulk in movies other than The Hulk. 155 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:24,592 You know what? 156 00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:26,761 Every now and then you say the perfect thing. 157 00:06:26,844 --> 00:06:27,929 (knocking on door) 158 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:31,474 Mary, it's our turn to use the boyfriend room. 159 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:33,226 Y'all don't have boyfriends. 160 00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:35,144 We's gonna practice kissing 161 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,313 with this French-Canadian mountain man. 162 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,399 Pourquoi m'avez-vous amené ici? 163 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,150 He's still wearing leg shackles. 164 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:44,529 All men is unpolished stones. 165 00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:47,198 Ou est le whisky que vous m'avez promis? 166 00:06:49,158 --> 00:06:50,910 And then I ran right home to you. 167 00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:52,787 You did everything great, Bart. 168 00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:54,247 Then you told me all about it 169 00:06:54,330 --> 00:06:55,998 like a true gentleman. 170 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:59,043 I can't wait to use your moves on Lisa. 171 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,462 Ew! On every level, ew! 172 00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,173 Bart, you have to treat girls like they matter, 173 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,384 not like they're a bunch of Milhice. 174 00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,928 What? It's the plural of Milhouse. Look it up. 175 00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:10,930 Listen to your sister, boy. 176 00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:13,766 What I'm saying applies to you, too, Dad. 177 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,059 What are you talkin' about? 178 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:16,352 Marge and I are goin' great. 179 00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:18,896 Homer Simpson! 180 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,565 Did you take Maggie to Moe's? 181 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:21,816 It was during Happy Hour. 182 00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:23,568 Don't you want our baby to be happy? 183 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:24,986 Don't you see? 184 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:26,737 You're taking women for granted. 185 00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:29,574 And aside from being lumped together and generalized about, 186 00:07:29,657 --> 00:07:32,577 it's the one thing all women hate. 187 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:36,080 (scoffs) How can something that applies to Bart apply to me? 188 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:38,207 I'm so much older and wiser. 189 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,418 More like balder and wider. 190 00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:42,712 Why you little... I'll teach you 191 00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:45,423 to say something that sounds similar! 192 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:51,471 ♪♪ 193 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:55,266 -(applauding) -Thank you, last contestant. 194 00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:58,519 Tomorrow we will feature the no-longer racist country comedy 195 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:01,105 of Barry the Satellite TV Guy. 196 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,275 Isn't it funny how all people are of equal worth? 197 00:08:04,358 --> 00:08:07,528 Please do not boycott my line of power tools. 198 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:08,654 (laughs) 199 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,823 Now all Barry's jokes are about his ex-wife. 200 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,492 No, they ain't. We're back together. 201 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,285 Then you got no act. 202 00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:17,455 (chuckles) And now, the winner is... 203 00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:19,040 (drumroll) 204 00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:22,126 Devon Peacock! 205 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:26,297 I can finally get my suspender buckled! 206 00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:28,799 (cheering) 207 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:31,802 Looks like we got a feud with the Peacocks now. 208 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,472 Uh-huh. 209 00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:36,557 All I care is what you think, Bart. 210 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,643 (whispers) Compliment her. 211 00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:40,436 BART: I don't know what she wants. 212 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,522 What would my heroes say? 213 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,065 Slash her face now, Bart. 214 00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:45,858 Slash it while she least expects it. 215 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,902 {\an8}Bart, tell Mary to play the drums... 216 00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:49,904 {\an8}the only thing anyone listens to in any band. 217 00:08:49,987 --> 00:08:51,989 It's hard to pick just one of those. 218 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:53,741 {\an8}Bart, you'd better get your act together. 219 00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:55,535 {\an8}And me, too. 220 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,328 {\an8}I've gotta get these shirts to the dry cleaners. 221 00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:59,330 {\an8}They close at 6:00. 222 00:08:59,413 --> 00:09:00,957 Bart Simpson, you get out of that 223 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,959 gosh-darned fugue state this instant. 224 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:04,502 Lift my spirits! 225 00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:06,337 Um... lifting people's spirits 226 00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:07,880 is an interesting topic. 227 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:10,716 For centuries, Neanderthal and astronaut alike 228 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,593 have enjoyed lifting spirits. 229 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:15,429 You're givin' me book report talk. 230 00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:18,099 Excuse me, I am a Brazilian record producer. 231 00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:20,309 I concentrate in the rapidly-growing 232 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,186 jug band-samba fusion market. 233 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:25,940 Oh, my God! Do you know Billy-Bobaloo Skeeter-Rodriguez? 234 00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:29,527 Know him? Before he was famous, he kidnapped my mother! 235 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,696 Mary, would you like to have dinner with me 236 00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:33,823 and my handsome, girl-crazy son tonight? 237 00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:37,285 I am the first boy to get my own liquor ad. 238 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:39,537 (Latin guitar music plays) 239 00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,706 Bart, you want to come with us? 240 00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:43,416 I need you. 241 00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,585 Mary, we've just been through three hours of music. 242 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,962 Usually, I only have music one hour a week, 243 00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:51,090 and the teacher spends it reading real estate listings for Fire Island. 244 00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:52,633 I'll see you later, Bart. 245 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:54,552 Mary, are you okay? 246 00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,887 Sure. Everything's fine. 247 00:09:58,389 --> 00:09:59,932 At that moment, I had a vision 248 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,434 of every time in my life 249 00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:04,937 an angry woman would say "Everything's fine." 250 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,568 I guess it's just me and the dog. 251 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:14,280 (groans) 252 00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,365 Everything's fine. 253 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,076 Now. 254 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,537 (whistling) 255 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,509 Melvis? Where's Mary? 256 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,803 I brung you regrets from my sister. 257 00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:41,057 She has been de-avoidably untained. 258 00:10:41,140 --> 00:10:43,934 (groans) Am I getting dumped? 259 00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:47,521 Okay, Bart, maybe you blew it by taking Mary for granted. 260 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,107 Woman are life's great mystery, along with 261 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:53,069 why do they give you salt and pepper at a Chinese restaurant? 262 00:10:53,152 --> 00:10:54,987 But if you want one more shot, 263 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:58,115 I know a date that will turn this mighty Aphrodite 264 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,451 into your purple rose of Cairo. 265 00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:03,412 Those are movies I made. 266 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,289 It's my oeuvre. 267 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,708 It sounds dirty, but it's not. 268 00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:14,131 (speaking in French) 269 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:18,803 (snoring) 270 00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,888 Everyone's fast asleep. 271 00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:22,473 It's like my second wedding night, 272 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:24,975 except more walkouts and there were no refunds. 273 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,560 Gee... 274 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:29,063 (couples moaning) 275 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:31,315 Can I see you tomorrow night? 276 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,401 Sure, I'll be here with my other boyfriend. 277 00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:34,819 He's watching us now. 278 00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:36,570 BOY: Oh, boy. 279 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,408 Okay, Luann, it's all settled. 280 00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:41,951 We're gonna ditch Milhouse. 281 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:45,579 Bart, I think it's best if we take a break. 282 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:48,207 Good idea, I can chuck eggs at the other couples. 283 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:51,210 Just hug me, dummy. 284 00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:58,551 Back pats? 285 00:11:58,634 --> 00:11:59,885 This is a breakup. 286 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:06,434 You'll be fine. There's a pot for every possum. 287 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:07,977 Give me another chance. 288 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,187 I'll be way more attentive to your needs on the seesaw. 289 00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:12,189 I'll stay down there for as long as you want. 290 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,900 Sorry, Bart, I'm a hillbilly girl of 13. 291 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,610 If I'm not married in the next few months, 292 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,237 nobody's gonna want me. 293 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,864 Not even old Joe Clabby. 294 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:22,158 Hey, you're a pretty little thing, you are, 295 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,660 but ticktock, ticktock. 296 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,829 Good-bye, Bart. 297 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,664 Aw, sweetie. 298 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,876 I told you this would happen if you dated outside the family. 299 00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:33,252 Mm-mm-mm. 300 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,089 -(groans) -Move along, relationship's over. 301 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:38,382 (groans) 302 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:40,760 Sure do like forcing people to leave areas. 303 00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:42,678 Yeah. 304 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,265 MARGE: I was the only one without a date 305 00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:49,685 at Patty's new lady friend's travel bookstore soft opening. 306 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,104 You told me it was up to me if I wanted to go. 307 00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,607 You should know that me saying I don't care 308 00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,692 means I couldn't care more. 309 00:12:56,776 --> 00:13:00,279 I am sick and tired of trying to decode you like you're some 310 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:03,240 kind of human being separate from myself. 311 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:04,617 Bart, would you go to your room 312 00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,619 while your father and I finish our little talk? 313 00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:09,497 Little talk? You guys are having a big fight. 314 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,499 This is the problem with women-- they don't say 315 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,417 what they mean until it's too late! 316 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:14,877 All right, fine. 317 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,088 If you boys want it, I'll tell you what I really think. 318 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,257 Finally, we're getting somewhere. 319 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:23,302 You're both in the doghouse, 320 00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:27,097 which is misleading 'cause I still like the dog. 321 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,432 (sighs) 322 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:31,018 Hand me my suitcase, boy. 323 00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:33,145 When do I get a Krusty suitcase? 324 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,855 When you're older. 325 00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:43,322 So this is where you go when Mom kicks you out? 326 00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:45,491 You're saying it like it happens all the time. 327 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:48,118 And by the way, the paint's a little faded 328 00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,620 on my parking spot. 329 00:13:49,703 --> 00:13:52,289 You call this a platinum club experience? 330 00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:53,874 We'll get right on it, Mr. Simpson. 331 00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:57,378 I told you a thousand times, call me Homer! 332 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,756 Oh, what's this notice on the wall? 333 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,132 Standard hotel boilerplate. 334 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,553 It just says somebody died in this room in the last 72 hours. 335 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,680 Aw, man, we just missed it. 336 00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,515 (laughs) Oh, it'll happen again, son. 337 00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:11,433 Um, I've got to make a phone call. 338 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,727 Eh, knock yourself out. 339 00:14:13,811 --> 00:14:14,937 D'oh! 340 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,188 Not again. 341 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:18,315 (touch tones beeping) 342 00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,026 Mary? Ooh, that's odd. 343 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,153 I thought I was calling the Suicide Not Line, 344 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:24,989 because I'm doing great. 345 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:28,450 So, um, how are you handling taking a break? 346 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:31,871 Great. Turns out Adele was right. 347 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:33,706 Ain't nothing better for songwriting 348 00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:36,876 than when your relationship takes a bolt to the brain. 349 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,252 Tell me what you think. 350 00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,504 ♪ I broke up with a fella ♪ 351 00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:44,300 (samba rhythm plays) ♪ But I ain't grieving ♪ 352 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:45,885 ♪ He was much too proud ♪ 353 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:50,055 ♪ Of underachieving ♪ 354 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,892 ♪ I can't believe I liked him ♪ 355 00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:56,145 ♪ I must have been blind ♪ 356 00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:58,814 ♪ He wasn't so smart or handsome ♪ 357 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,817 ♪ Or kind ♪ 358 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,361 ♪ Every moment with that boy ♪ 359 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:07,406 ♪ Was totally horrid ♪ 360 00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:12,369 ♪ And I can't even tell where his hair meets his forehead ♪ 361 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,747 Why did I buy her that rhyming dictionary? 362 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:17,416 ♪ My eyes are wide open ♪ 363 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,294 ♪ Now I see his warts ♪ 364 00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:23,714 ♪ I wish him well, down in hell ♪ 365 00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:28,385 ♪ Where he'll eat his own shorts ♪ 366 00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:32,056 It just poured out of me like venom from a snake. 367 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,724 (groans) 368 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:36,894 I had this idea years ago, 369 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:38,187 but your mother wouldn't let me do it. 370 00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,230 shows how much she... (muffled yelling) 371 00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:41,649 It's hurting my eyes! 372 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,947 (gasps) 373 00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:50,157 It's so great here-- no wife to get mad at you 374 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,660 for closing your laptop whenever they walk into the room. 375 00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:54,954 Or getting your kid hooked on pot. 376 00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,455 She's my kid, too, you know. 377 00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,458 You know what we need? 378 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,961 A classic "kicked out of the house" party. 379 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:03,629 Now, who's got a rocking CD? 380 00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:06,632 I've got the audio book of Robert Caro's The Passage of Power. 381 00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:07,967 That's it? 382 00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:11,553 Well, then let's "power" this party up. 383 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,139 ROBERT CARO (on tape): Air Force One, 384 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:16,767 the president's plane, is divided behind 385 00:16:16,850 --> 00:16:18,686 the crew's cockpit into three compartments. 386 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:21,772 In the first of them, just behind the cockpit, 387 00:16:21,855 --> 00:16:24,525 women sat weeping and Secret Service agents 388 00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,485 were trying to hold back tears. 389 00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,028 "You've heard of strong men crying? 390 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,739 Well, we had it there that day," recalls a reporter. 391 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:34,034 As the pilot lifted the big jet off the Dallas runway, 392 00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,453 in a climb so steep that to a man... 393 00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:37,997 I miss Mary. 394 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,373 I miss Roxie. 395 00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:41,875 That's the club where I used to smoke pot with my kid. 396 00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:44,294 This calls for decisive action. 397 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,964 Like LBJ's use of the period of mourning following 398 00:16:47,047 --> 00:16:49,466 the assassination to push through the Civil Rights Act. 399 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,635 But how do we figure out what to do? 400 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,387 The same way Hollywood does. 401 00:16:53,470 --> 00:16:55,472 By watching British movies. 402 00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:56,807 (people clamoring on video) 403 00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:59,059 -(gavel bangs) -The Prime Minister, 404 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:02,855 that is to say, I, would like to make an emergency declaration 405 00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:06,066 of love to my poor but cheeky secretary. 406 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:08,318 What, me? Eliza Commonbottom? 407 00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,320 I... that is to say... 408 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,655 Flibberty-gibberty. 409 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,073 -♪ Ah ♪ -(Parliament cheering) 410 00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:16,660 -♪ All the young dudes ♪ -♪ Hey, dudes ♪ 411 00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:19,747 -♪ Carry the news ♪ -♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 412 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,041 ♪ Boogaloo dudes... ♪ 413 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:25,502 Love is more powerful than all my magic. 414 00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:28,088 Hard to believe that country used to rule anything. 415 00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,340 Agreed, but to win back our women, 416 00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,427 we need to make a grand romantic gesture. 417 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:34,720 OTHERS: Hear, hear. 418 00:17:34,803 --> 00:17:37,014 After we finish watching the movie. 419 00:17:37,097 --> 00:17:39,683 ♪ Carry the news ♪ 420 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:45,397 ♪ All the young dudes ♪ 421 00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:46,732 ♪ Carry the news ♪ 422 00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:49,234 ♪ Let's hear the news, come on ♪ 423 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,986 Hmm, cursive. 424 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,655 "You are invited to 425 00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,282 a grand gesture"? 426 00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:57,076 Ooh. 427 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:03,123 (orchestra playing "Ode to Joy") 428 00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:10,089 ♪ I wrote this song to say I'm sorry ♪ 429 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,966 ♪ Dad, don't be a credit hog ♪ 430 00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,969 ♪ The melody is by Beethoven ♪ 431 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:18,722 ♪ Not bad for a movie dog ♪ 432 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:21,809 ♪ I'll stop eating from the garbage ♪ 433 00:18:21,892 --> 00:18:24,728 ♪ Marge, you will get the last pork chop ♪ 434 00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,396 Oh... 435 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,023 (all giggling, cooing) 436 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:33,028 A completed chore list. 437 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,072 And I promise to do the things 438 00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,157 I checked off within a year. 439 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,326 (swooning sigh) 440 00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:45,165 ♪ Spuckler Mary, please forgive me ♪ 441 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,502 ♪ All I ask is one more chance ♪ 442 00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:51,004 Bart, you're a good duck, 443 00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,256 but we wouldn't last. 444 00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:54,133 But I'm the main guy in this story. 445 00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:55,968 Things are supposed to work out for me. 446 00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:58,971 Everyone is the main guy in their own story. 447 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:02,391 My friend, welcome to my story. 448 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:06,019 ♪♪ 449 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,360 And that's when I learned 450 00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:16,530 Cupid was just a fat, naked jerk with an arrow. 451 00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:19,908 But surely you didn't give up on love after just one setback? 452 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,202 Love is our only defense against the abyss 453 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:23,829 in this meaningless universe. 454 00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,581 Love-- what is it? 455 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:28,083 What does it mean? How do you spell it? 456 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,293 No one knows. 457 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:31,253 Fortunately there is a cure. 458 00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:34,173 Any video game ever made. 459 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:38,010 FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE: Remember, this game is for age 14 or under. 460 00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:40,262 If you are older than that, please get help. 461 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:42,306 Get help, get help. 462 00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:46,768 Married? 463 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,437 (groans) 464 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:51,064 (gasps) 465 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,703 {\an8}MALE COMPUTER VOICE: One message received from... 466 00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:06,288 {\an8}The widow Mary Spuckler. 467 00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:07,831 Whoo-hoo! 468 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:10,250 Well done, Bart. You played that like a combination 469 00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:13,045 of Willie Mays and Paul Cézanne. 470 00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:14,254 Who are you? 471 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:17,132 I... you know, I-I played the ant 472 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,260 in Antz, the lesser known of the ant movies. 473 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:21,970 Oh, yeah. 474 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,137 (Brandine and Cletus scatting) 475 00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,977 {\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay