1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,212
{\an8}-(thunder crashing)
<i>-CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:04,295 --> 00:00:06,423
{\an8}-(electrical crackling)
-(bird squawks)

3
00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:10,385
(moaning growls)

4
00:00:13,304 --> 00:00:15,056
(creature bellows)

5
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(moaning)

6
00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:19,894
(gasps)

7
00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:22,605
(electrical crackling)

8
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:25,442
(grunts)

9
00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,699
(suspenseful music plays)

10
00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:33,783
(birds cawing)

11
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(yelling)

12
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(gasps)

13
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(grunting)

14
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(whistle blows)

15
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(shrieks)

16
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(screams)

17
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(gasps)

18
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(yells)

19
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(beeping)

20
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(Marge groans)

21
00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,339
(singing opera)

22
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(playing the blues)

23
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(playing the blues)

24
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(monster shrieking)

25
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(bird caws)

26
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(chuckles)

27
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(all screaming)

28
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(all moaning, shrieking)

29
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(horn honking)

30
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(panting)

31
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:05,125
(screams)

32
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:10,380
(tires screech)

33
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D'oh!

34
00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:14,092
(horn honking)

35
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(yells)

36
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:19,097
(moaning)

37
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,308
(screaming)

38
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,726
-(screaming fades)
-(clocks ticking)

39
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,728
(grunts, gasps)

40
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:39,659
(electrical zapping)

41
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:42,287
(theme song playing)

42
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<i>LISA: 'Twas Halloween night,</i>
<i>with the kids door-to-dooring,</i>

43
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{\an8}<i>and all over town</i>
<i>blood sugar was soaring.</i>

44
00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:00,263
{\an8}(doorbell rings)

45
00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:02,098
{\an8}Give me your candy!

46
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,521
{\an8}<i>LISA: But the Simpson abode</i>
<i>was deep down in the dumps,</i>

47
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:12,150
{\an8}<i>'cause from little to bigger,</i>
<i>the kids had the mumps.</i>

48
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:15,153
{\an8}MARGE: Now, I'm off to a party,
my outfit is chic.

49
00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:18,489
{\an8}It's a Catwoman costume
I'm sure is unique.

50
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:19,824
{\an8}(dog howls)

51
00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:22,243
{\an8}Wait a second--
it's Halloween?

52
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:25,413
{\an8}Just rest on the sofa,
I'll be home by 10:00.

53
00:03:25,496 --> 00:03:27,123
{\an8}Can we have some candy?

54
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,166
{\an8}Just one M&M.

55
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,797
{\an8}<i>LISA:</i>
<i>Then we heard a loud crash.</i>

56
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:35,840
{\an8}HOMER:
D'oh!

57
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,675
{\an8}<i>We were tempted to scat.</i>

58
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,260
{\an8}<i>BART: And we looked</i>
<i>and we saw him...</i>

59
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,720
{\an8}<i>LISA / BART:</i>
<i>The Fat in the Hat!</i>

60
00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:43,681
{\an8}I'll save Halloween
for you three grumpy tots.

61
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:47,268
{\an8}Just stick out your rumps
for some mump-stumping shots!

62
00:03:47,352 --> 00:03:48,853
{\an8}(sighs)

63
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:51,773
{\an8}Now hop on my cycle,
there's nothing to fear.

64
00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:53,942
{\an8}And we shall have candy...
and maybe some beer.

65
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,276
{\an8}Huh?

66
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,862
{\an8}You should not be here
when their mother's away!

67
00:03:57,946 --> 00:04:01,032
{\an8}And you should be dead,
you're so wrinkled and gray!

68
00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:03,785
{\an8}I'll give you the business,
you yellow sea cow!

69
00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:06,079
{\an8}This go-getting oldster will...

70
00:04:06,162 --> 00:04:07,705
{\an8}Where am I now?

71
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,290
{\an8}(grunts)

72
00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:12,210
{\an8}We'll fix up this mix-up
in two minutes flat,

73
00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:14,963
{\an8}with the helpers I've hidden
right under my hat.

74
00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:16,297
{\an8}(kids exclaim)

75
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:20,677
{\an8}I... uh, I knew there was
something I left off my list.

76
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,304
{\an8}Without food, air and water,
they cease to exist.

77
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:29,310
{\an8}(explosion)

78
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,938
{\an8}I am the Bore-Ax.
I speak for the woods.

79
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:34,065
{\an8}But I've plastered my likeness
on consumer goods.

80
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:35,483
{\an8}HOMER:
Sellout!

81
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,195
{\an8}Hey!

82
00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:45,576
{\an8}<i>♪ Oh, the Fat in the Hat</i>
<i>doesn't care what moms say ♪</i>

83
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:48,162
{\an8}<i>♪ The minute they leave you,</i>
<i>he'll take you away ♪</i>

84
00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,163
{\an8}(gasps)

85
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,498
{\an8}<i>♪ His breakfast is dinner ♪</i>

86
00:04:50,581 --> 00:04:52,166
{\an8}<i>♪ His dinner's dessert ♪</i>

87
00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:56,421
{\an8}<i>♪ You might see his name</i>
<i>on an AMBER Alert! ♪</i>

88
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:58,381
{\an8}Trick or treat!

89
00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:01,009
{\an8}Who buzzed the buzzard?
Don't pester the rich.

90
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:04,012
{\an8}I don't hand out candy,
you son of a Gritch.

91
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:07,598
{\an8}<i>BART: He pulled out bamfoozlers</i>
<i>and side-winding gizzles.</i>

92
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:08,683
{\an8}(explosion)

93
00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:10,018
{\an8}-(laughing)
<i>-He laughed as he heard</i>

94
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,853
{\an8}<i>that old codger's</i>
<i>house sizzles.</i>

95
00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:14,689
{\an8}Let this be a lesson
to those who love cash,

96
00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:17,191
{\an8}that your nice stash of cash
could be gone in a flash.

97
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:20,361
{\an8}And if you are awful
and nasty and cruel...

98
00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:22,905
{\an8}Enough with the lessons!
This isn't a school!

99
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,615
{\an8}(neck cracks)

100
00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:30,872
<i>♪ Once a year we are not hungry ♪</i>

101
00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:35,209
{\an8}<i>♪ Thanks to Christian charity ♪</i>

102
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,210
{\an8}(all gag)

103
00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:42,467
{\an8}-(toilet flushing)
-(snoring)

104
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,219
{\an8}I don't got no candy,
I only serve beer.

105
00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:47,388
And who said that you could
bring minors in here?

106
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,475
Your peanuts are pawed through,
your beer smells like skunk.

107
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:53,519
And you just pissed off
the wrong fat, furry drunk!

108
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,104
(gasps) Hey, hey, hey!

109
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,814
This is supposed
to be a children's story!

110
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,734
Go grab all his money
and vodka and gin.

111
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:02,904
And I'll knit a nice thnord
from his leathery skin.

112
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:05,490
Say, Mr. Hat,
I don't mean to complain,

113
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:09,911
but you promised us candy,
not mayhem and pain.

114
00:06:09,994 --> 00:06:11,412
<i>BART:</i>
<i>The dude thought a while, then said:</i>

115
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:12,747
I know a man!

116
00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:16,084
With an overpriced store,
who'll give all that he can.

117
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,252
Take whatever you want.
I don't want any trouble.

118
00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,755
Take Jims that are Slim,
and gum of the bubble.

119
00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:24,258
I won't shoot you now, 'cause
I've found something cruel-ah,

120
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,929
an afternoon off with eight kids
and Manjula.

121
00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:30,014
-(bike bell rings)
-(kids laughing)

122
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:36,187
-(kids laughing)
-No...!

123
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<i>♪ Oh, the Fat in the Hat ♪</i>

124
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:41,109
<i>♪ Has some anger issues ♪</i>

125
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:45,029
<i>♪ And some highly unusual</i>
<i>political views ♪</i>

126
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:48,616
<i>♪ If he comes a-calling,</i>
<i>you'd better hide ♪</i>

127
00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:52,036
<i>♪ 'Cause he's committing</i>
<i>aggravated floop-fluffle-cide! ♪</i>

128
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,455
Don't forget me!

129
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,541
<i>♪ Floop-fluffle-cide! ♪</i>

130
00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:58,876
<i>BART: We had to escape</i>
<i>from this behatted mammal.</i>

131
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,795
<i>LISA: So we hitched us a ride</i>
<i>on a three-hump gumbamel!</i>

132
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:02,422
(belches)

133
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,298
<i>A gumbamel's a camel</i>
<i>but faster and humbler.</i>

134
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:06,884
<i>It doesn't take tips,</i>
<i>and it's never a grumbler.</i>

135
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:09,178
So if you must leave
in a kind of a scramble,

136
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,639
then jump on the hump
of a humble gumbamel.

137
00:07:11,722 --> 00:07:14,016
<i>BART: But if the gumbamel</i>
<i>should ramble, then stumble,</i>

138
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,144
<i>then just hop atop</i>
<i>a Krustiferous Krumbull.</i>

139
00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,479
<i>But then if that Krumbull</i>
<i>should happen to tumble,</i>

140
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:20,148
<i>just call your amigo,</i>
<i>the bee man of bumble.</i>

141
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:21,315
(exhales)

142
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:23,151
BEE MAN:
Ay-yi-yi!

143
00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:24,986
<i>LISA: We thought we'd escaped</i>
<i>from our psychotic guide...</i>

144
00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:28,239
<i>but when we got home,</i>
<i>he was waiting inside!</i>

145
00:07:28,322 --> 00:07:29,699
I'm staying forever.

146
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,242
You're all stuck with that.

147
00:07:31,325 --> 00:07:34,412
'Cause I'm your new daddy,
the Fat in the...

148
00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:35,663
(screams)

149
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,878
I'm frightened of nothing,
not even hellfires.

150
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:45,673
Just don't let me ever be played
by Mike Myers.

151
00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:46,924
(groans)

152
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:51,679
<i>BART: Now please do not worry,</i>
<i>'cause we did okay.</i>

153
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:56,267
Yes, kids will get candy,
whatever you say.

154
00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:09,572
<i>PILOT:</i>
<i>What the hell?!</i>

155
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:11,616
(Bart laughs)

156
00:08:11,699 --> 00:08:14,160
Bart, isn't it dangerous
to fly your kite

157
00:08:14,243 --> 00:08:15,745
-PILOT: Stupid kids!
-by an airport?

158
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,121
Hey, if they get on an airbus,

159
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,040
they know they're
taking their chances.

160
00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:23,211
Kite at 2:00!

161
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,379
I don't know what that means,
I have a digital watch!

162
00:08:27,381 --> 00:08:28,966
(pilots scream)

163
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,719
(both groan)

164
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:35,598
What's my wife's picture doing
on your control screen?

165
00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:36,557
Over.

166
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:37,767
Homina, homina, homina.

167
00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:38,684
Over.

168
00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:50,988
(yawns)

169
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,031
(groans)

170
00:08:52,114 --> 00:08:53,783
Nowhere to tie my kite...

171
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,493
and I forgot my scarf.

172
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:58,079
(gasps) Bingo!

173
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:04,752
I'm seeing a 12-car pileup,

174
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:07,588
a naked rooftop cookout, and--
Oh, my God!

175
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,590
A box kite! (screams)

176
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,637
(sighs)
Well, at least it's a beautiful night.

177
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:15,680
(grunts)

178
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,141
I'm alive!

179
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,268
All patched up!

180
00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:21,269
End of story.

181
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,937
Actually, there's a little more.

182
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:24,605
<i>Ay, caramba!</i>

183
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,440
I'm sorry.
This was the only way

184
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,234
to lengthen Bart's life
for a year

185
00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:29,569
while shortening yours by 30.

186
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,571
I thought I was donating blood.

187
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,323
You are.
Along with lymph, spinal fluid,

188
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,826
and all the trimmings.
(chuckles)

189
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:39,412
But, Lisa, your brain
is still in complete control.

190
00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:43,666
I could do what I want
to Bart's head?

191
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,875
Aw, geez.

192
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,502
Strangle me out of this, Fatso.

193
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,878
Why you little...!

194
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:50,673
I'll teach you
to make medical history!

195
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:53,175
Oops.

196
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,345
Ah, all good.

197
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:57,346
D'oh!

198
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,347
(neck cracks)

199
00:09:59,765 --> 00:10:01,809
(humming)

200
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,227
(spits)

201
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,438
Hey, boy, since you don't need
a bedroom anymore,

202
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:08,691
I finally get my man cave.

203
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:10,484
<i>♪ Man cave! ♪</i>

204
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,487
<i>♪ Everyone's welcome</i>
<i>to my man cave! ♪</i>

205
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:21,495
I assure you,
we've spared no effort

206
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:23,247
to accommodate your
special-needs student.

207
00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:25,333
And... done.

208
00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,377
So, in conclusion,
my show-and-tell is...

209
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:29,837
this!

210
00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:32,923
Excellent, Lisa. A-plus.

211
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,342
Bart, your turn.

212
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:38,179
Well, my show-and-tell
is that I'm on Lisa's body.

213
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:39,847
Derivative and repetitive!

214
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:40,848
F-minus.

215
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:42,808
-Aw!
-(giggles)

216
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:45,853
Bart, I expected more
from a fourth-grade head.

217
00:10:45,936 --> 00:10:47,772
(gasps)

218
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:51,525
You're rotating it
in the wrong direction!

219
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,778
(both grunting)

220
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:56,530
That was gonna be
my show-and-tell!

221
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,949
Bart, Lisa, I'm afraid you two

222
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,619
are going to be together
for a long time.

223
00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:03,162
Why don't you try
to say something good

224
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:04,872
about each other?

225
00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:06,916
Well, she's pretty healthy
for someone

226
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,042
who's been living with cooties.

227
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:10,252
Bart, aren't Lisa's ears clean?

228
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,420
Yeah.

229
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,130
It's like looking down
a Canadian tunnel.

230
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:14,131
What else?

231
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,383
Well... now I always

232
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,426
have someone to eat lunch with.

233
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,011
Great!

234
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,430
That's as much therapy
as your parents can afford.

235
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:25,559
I think we've made
some progress here.

236
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,519
Great...

237
00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:27,603
Oh, and I have this

238
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,397
"two heads for one" coupon.

239
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,439
Well, that's for lettuce.

240
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,607
How about this one?

241
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,527
"One random disorder free
with every schizophrenia."

242
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,529
That's mine, but it's expired.

243
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:37,613
D'oh!

244
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,907
(playing "When the Saints
Go Marching In")

245
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:47,248
Should've chopped off
Bart's head long ago.

246
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:51,377
Sleep well, Lis.

247
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,087
Somehow, sewing my head
on your shoulder

248
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,588
brought us closer together.

249
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:55,965
Rainbow...

250
00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,133
oh, Rainbow...

251
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:59,593
Oh... not the pony
dream again.

252
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:03,681
(gasps)
Hey, <i>I</i> did that.

253
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:06,642
Yep, that's me.

254
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,310
When she's asleep,

255
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,687
I'm in control.

256
00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,772
Lis, I'm gonna make sure

257
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:14,024
you stay asleep.

258
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,193
(laughs evilly)

259
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:22,199
Ooh, mix-ins!

260
00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,161
Mmm.

261
00:12:25,244 --> 00:12:26,829
(snores)

262
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,456
-(falls down stairs)
-(shouting)

263
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,498
Son of a...

264
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,499
(grunts)

265
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:31,751
(snoring)

266
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:37,506
(engine sputters, dies)

267
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,468
You start a car as well
as you start a family.

268
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,970
You wait here
while I go get the jumper cables.

269
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:48,267
MRS. SKINNER:
Oh, a panic attack, huh?

270
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:50,853
Well, I'll give you something
to panic about!

271
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,021
(grunting)

272
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:54,398
(groans)

273
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,568
Now I'll just cut off
her annoying head

274
00:12:57,651 --> 00:12:59,236
and this body will be all mine.

275
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,654
Or we both die.

276
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:02,615
Not really sure
what the rules are.

277
00:13:02,698 --> 00:13:03,616
(gasps)

278
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:04,992
Why, Bart?

279
00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:06,786
I thought we were friends.

280
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,996
A brother can never
be friends with his sister.

281
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:10,831
Are you really, really sure?

282
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,082
I'm afraid I am.

283
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,210
Well, then,
I guess I have no choice.

284
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,669
(yells)

285
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:17,546
How could this go wrong?

286
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,964
'Cause in a head-to-head battle,

287
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,549
the one with the most
brains wins!

288
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,092
(groans)

289
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:25,846
(groans)

290
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,765
Well, wherever I am,

291
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,517
it's gotta be an improvement.

292
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,101
Guess again.

293
00:13:31,185 --> 00:13:32,186
(moans)

294
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,814
Now I can always
sing karaoke duets.

295
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,398
<i>-♪ Mock... ♪</i>
-Yeah.

296
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:37,733
<i>-♪ Ing... ♪</i>
-Yeah.

297
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,735
I feel your pain, brother.

298
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,070
Now,
I need you to memorize

299
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:43,697
these 10,000 setups
by next week.

300
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:45,032
Help me, Doctor.

301
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:47,952
So this is what successful
post-op looks like.

302
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,375
(circus music plays)

303
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:55,501
BURNSUM:
Step right up.

304
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:58,087
Step right up. Only two bits!

305
00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:00,172
(snickering)

306
00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,678
(slurps, growls)

307
00:14:05,761 --> 00:14:07,137
Thrill as...

308
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,600
Thrill as Marguerite
conquers the air!

309
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,776
(cheering)

310
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,528
Laugh at the clown's buffoonery!

311
00:14:22,611 --> 00:14:24,196
Seriously, folks,

312
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,699
I really think we should stop
this Hitler guy.

313
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:28,617
(laughing)

314
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,077
Disbelieve,

315
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,289
as the Strong Man pulls a wagon
with his bare tongue!

316
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,541
<i>♪ This is the song</i>
<i>that you hear at the circus ♪</i>

317
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,543
<i>♪ Sung by a guy</i>
<i>that you see at the circus ♪</i>

318
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:39,545
<i>(muffled)</i>
<i>♪ Do-do-do, do-do-do ♪</i>

319
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:40,754
<i>♪ Do-do-do... ♪</i>

320
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:41,714
D'oh!

321
00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:43,257
Or gape in terror

322
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:45,384
at Almighty God's
whoopsy-daisies...

323
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:46,719
the Freaks!

324
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:47,803
(crowd exclaims)

325
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,307
The Human Donkey.

326
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:52,683
Hee-haw!

327
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:54,852
The Terrifying Callback.

328
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:56,353
<i>-♪ Mock ♪</i>
-Yeah.

329
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:58,022
<i>-♪ Ing... ♪</i>
-Yeah.

330
00:14:58,105 --> 00:14:59,899
Creatures from another galaxy!

331
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,693
Actually, it's more
of a globular cluster.

332
00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:05,571
Not the dark,
not the dark!

333
00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:06,572
Ah!

334
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:07,865
And now...

335
00:15:07,948 --> 00:15:10,034
I must ask
that small children leave,

336
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:11,452
good women avert their eyes,

337
00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:14,038
and men take a stiff slug
of circus whiskey.

338
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:18,250
Behold, the most hideous
creature of all.

339
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:19,835
How ya doin'?

340
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,253
(audience screams)

341
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,380
So, uh, anyone here
from New Jersey?

342
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,965
I'm goin' there next week.

343
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,300
(screams)

344
00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:28,427
(humming)

345
00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:32,097
(humming continues)

346
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:33,265
Whoa!

347
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,225
(grunting)

348
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,645
(humming)

349
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,605
-Hey, torso! What's with the cookies?
-Huh?

350
00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:42,232
Even a human snail
would've been done by now.

351
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:44,360
I am so sick and tired
of people assuming

352
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:46,987
that the human snail is,
in some way, slow.

353
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:48,322
Good day!

354
00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:50,407
(grunts)

355
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:53,953
All of you!

356
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:55,621
Get back out there
with your flippers flapping,

357
00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:56,956
and your stumps a-stumping!

358
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:58,165
Joe and Jane normal

359
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,875
expect some entertainment
for their nickel!

360
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,335
Mr. Burnsum!

361
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:04,338
You should treat these
poor people with respect!

362
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:06,298
Marge!
Get away from those freaks.

363
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,716
You belong to me!

364
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,802
The dumb, hairless brute.

365
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:13,389
Well, you are the best
this circus has to offer.

366
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,516
(laughing)

367
00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:17,935
Taste the strength
of your fiancé.

368
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:22,064
Ooh!

369
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:23,691
Ooh...

370
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,943
With the mighty tongue
God's given you,

371
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:29,571
why can't you speak kindly
of these imperfect angels?

372
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,491
Marge, they knew
what they were getting into

373
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,910
when their parents sold them
to the circus.

374
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,412
Enough!
You will comport yourself

375
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:37,538
with the dignity expected

376
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:39,748
of a traveling freak show.

377
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:40,833
(grunts)

378
00:16:42,918 --> 00:16:44,128
Excuse me, ma'am,

379
00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:47,214
but, uh, I ain't never seen
a normal stand up for us.

380
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:48,257
(sighs)

381
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,259
I, too, am a freak.

382
00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:51,301
One eye is blue,

383
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:53,220
and the other a pale brown.

384
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:55,222
I wouldn't want to be you, lady.

385
00:16:55,305 --> 00:16:58,017
Never give up hope,
my friends.

386
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,855
Of all the kisses
I have ever gotten in my life,

387
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:04,356
that was the first.

388
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,191
Hey,
you should ask her out, Moe.

389
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,694
Ah, but she's sweet
on the strong man.

390
00:17:08,777 --> 00:17:10,904
You're fine unless
Rabbit Ears hears

391
00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,239
and tells Big Mouth.

392
00:17:12,322 --> 00:17:14,450
(whispering)

393
00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:16,618
Wha...?!

394
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,413
I ain't got no chance
with the strong man's girl.

395
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:20,914
He makes ten dollars a week

396
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:22,541
plus all the sawdust he can eat.

397
00:17:22,624 --> 00:17:24,209
Well,
you've got an emerald ring.

398
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:26,920
My mother's ring.

399
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:27,921
(sobs)

400
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,882
She gave it to me
on her deathbed.

401
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,925
She also acquired it
on her deathbed.

402
00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,802
That was a very busy deathbed.

403
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,429
With an emerald that big,

404
00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:36,972
I could buy anything.

405
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,807
A jalopy, an icebox,

406
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,976
a steamer trunk full of fedoras!

407
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,479
But how do I get my hands on it?

408
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,064
Oh, I'm an idiot!

409
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:46,065
Of course!

410
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:47,441
I get Marge to marry Moe,

411
00:17:47,524 --> 00:17:48,525
then I kill Moe,

412
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,651
then she gets the ring,

413
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,320
then I marry her
and the ring is mine.

414
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:54,364
And the brilliance of my plan
is its simplicity.

415
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,868
You're gonna be sorry
you said that.

416
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:01,205
<i>You're</i> gonna be sorry
you said <i>that.</i>

417
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:02,915
Whoa, whoa, whoa,

418
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:06,668
whoa, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh...

419
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,754
I just lost my keys!

420
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:10,464
Whoa-whoa-whoa...

421
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:13,467
What do you know?
I <i>am</i> gathering moss!

422
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:14,802
(owl hoots)

423
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,221
Hey, Marge, you want
to marry Moe?

424
00:18:17,304 --> 00:18:19,556
I'm engaged to you,
my love.

425
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,184
The poor, lonely fellow
is about to die.

426
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:23,602
Really? How?

427
00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:25,521
Well, let me worry about how.

428
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,315
But, you know, you could make
his last day a happy one.

429
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:30,609
And the ring is just
the icing on the cake.

430
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:31,819
What ring?

431
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,655
The ring that'll get me
out of this lousy circus

432
00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:36,198
and into a good circus.

433
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,491
Now, let's get you married.

434
00:18:37,574 --> 00:18:39,576
But wouldn't you be jealous,
my love?

435
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,121
(laughs)
Dear, I am not the jealous type.

436
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:43,956
And from you,
I have learned

437
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:47,334
to feel compassion
for these disgustos.

438
00:18:47,417 --> 00:18:48,836
Aw...

439
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:52,339
(solemnly)
<i>♪ She's a superfreak ♪</i>

440
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,508
<i>♪ Superfreak ♪</i>

441
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:57,511
<i>♪ She's superfreaky ♪</i>

442
00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:59,054
<i>♪ Yow ♪</i>

443
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,264
"Yow" indeed.

444
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,348
And so, with the conclusion

445
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:02,683
of our traditional wedding song,

446
00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:04,268
I now declare you

447
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:05,686
husband and wife.

448
00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:08,605
Moe, whatever small time
together we have

449
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:11,024
will be wonderful.

450
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:11,984
(laughs)

451
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,527
A very small time!

452
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,445
Those are strange
things to say,

453
00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,990
but a wedding is no place
to worry about threats

454
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:19,700
from the bride's former lover.

455
00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:21,034
Now, the toast.

456
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,327
To you, Marge.

457
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:23,954
Now you are one of us.

458
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,706
FREAKS (chanting):
One of us!

459
00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:27,708
Gooble goo!

460
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:29,793
One of us!

461
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,461
Gooble goo!

462
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,881
Why is it company parties
always get weird?

463
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:36,008
-(cork pops)
-(liquid pours)

464
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:38,844
God, you are so beautiful
in that peignoir there.

465
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:41,221
I, uh, better freshen up
a little bit.

466
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,183
(humming)

467
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:45,642
Set it to "massage," Jumbo.

468
00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:49,730
(humming)

469
00:19:51,231 --> 00:19:52,900
Hmm? What are you doing?

470
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,235
Oh! Trying to kill Moe

471
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:57,070
so we'll get his emerald!

472
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:58,363
By the way,
I haven't checked,

473
00:19:58,447 --> 00:19:59,656
but emeralds
are valuable, right?

474
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:00,657
(gasps)

475
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,201
Strong Man!

476
00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:04,536
Moe may be ugly
on the outside,

477
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,831
but inside,
you are the true monster.

478
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,750
Leave my trailer forever!

479
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,126
<i>You're</i> rejecting <i>me?</i>

480
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:15,464
But I'm in the best shape
anyone is in the 1930s.

481
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:16,798
I said go!

482
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,091
(whimpers)

483
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:23,430
{\an8}(chanting)
One of us! Gooble goo!

484
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:24,640
One of us!

485
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:25,891
Gooble goo!

486
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:27,851
What the hell does
"gooble goo" mean?

487
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,019
(chanting)
We don't know!

488
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,103
Gooble goo!

489
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,271
We don't know!

490
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:32,314
Gooble goo!

491
00:20:34,524 --> 00:20:35,442
(gasps)

492
00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:36,693
You killed Burnsum!

493
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,946
Now who is gonna say,
"Step right up"?

494
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,281
FREAKS:
Gooble goo! Gooble goo!

495
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:42,866
Tar and feather him!

496
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,118
Tear off his drumsticks!

497
00:20:45,202 --> 00:20:47,246
Make him... one of us!

498
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:48,830
FREAKS (chanting):
One of us!

499
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:50,624
-One of us!
-This is exactly why

500
00:20:50,707 --> 00:20:52,751
circus attendance is plummeting!

501
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:56,672
And that, kids,
is how I met your mother.

502
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:58,507
{\an8}(<i>How I Met Your Mother</i>
theme music playing)

503
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:44,177
<i>FREAKS (chanting):</i>
<i>One of us!</i>

504
00:21:47,889 --> 00:21:49,975
{\an8}Subtitled by Callan Lent