1
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:06,214
<i>CHOIR:</i>
<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,928
(exclaiming)

3
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,810
(school bell ringing)

4
00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:22,022
(Barney belches)

5
00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,774
(tires screech)

6
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:25,942
D'oh!

7
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,235
(tires screeching)

8
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,903
(grunts)

9
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:31,698
{\an8}(gentle orchestral music playing)

10
00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:58,349
<i>♪ ♪</i>

11
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,022
(wind whistling)

12
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:11,571
S-So lonely.

13
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,785
(raspy)
No sex without a ring.

14
00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,371
Damn it!

15
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,998
<i>♪ ♪</i>

16
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,042
(giants laughing)

17
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:25,960
(belches)

18
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:38,556
(creaking)

19
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,975
<i>♪ ♪</i>

20
00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:44,938
Mm.

21
00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:46,231
What the...?! Hey, whoa!

22
00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,400
(ghostly moaning)

23
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,653
(crackling)

24
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What about us, man?

25
00:01:57,450 --> 00:01:58,743
Get your own couch.

26
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,037
<i>♪ ♪</i>

27
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,794
{\an8}(soft organ music playing)

28
00:02:09,170 --> 00:02:12,090
{\an8}(organ music continues)

29
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:17,512
{\an8}Poor Chip. Such a big part
of everyone's life.

30
00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:20,181
{\an8}People called him
the "sixth Simpson."

31
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:21,599
{\an8}I'm not sure why.

32
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,435
{\an8}Chip did such a wonderful job

33
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,146
with my biography.

34
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,730
(people murmuring)

35
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:33,903
{\an8}(speaking Spanish)

36
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:38,408
{\an8}Chip was the life of Sector 6-F
at the nuclear plant,

37
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:42,996
{\an8}but Chip once confessed to me
he did have a few regrets.

38
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:44,080
{\an8}(all gasp)

39
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,915
{\an8}Chip regretted never ascending

40
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:49,127
{\an8}Mount Springfield
from the <i>south</i> face.

41
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:52,088
{\an8}He regretted that the high school
long jump record he set

42
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,590
{\an8}was wind-aided.

43
00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:56,759
{\an8}He often spoke of that asterisk.

44
00:02:56,843 --> 00:03:00,847
{\an8}He never broke par on hole 17
at Springfield Mini Golf.

45
00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:03,349
{\an8}-(organ music resumes)
-Let us pray.

46
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,351
{\an8}Eh, everyone has regrets.

47
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,352
{\an8}Not me.

48
00:03:06,436 --> 00:03:08,521
{\an8}You?
Your marriage is a dead fish

49
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,940
{\an8}floating in a tank of stale beer.

50
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:13,568
{\an8}Your baby's addicted
to pacifiers.

51
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,489
{\an8}And your son is out of control.

52
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:20,825
{\an8}Let us kneel.

53
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,583
{\an8}-(pained groans)
-Ow! My knees!

54
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:31,336
{\an8}40 years of healing, gone!

55
00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,004
{\an8}(cackling)

56
00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,340
{\an8}He's such a little dickens.

57
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,550
{\an8}Although Dickens
was pretty well-behaved.

58
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,136
{\an8}He's been screwed up since
the moment Homer's DNA

59
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,888
{\an8}staggered into your womb.

60
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:43,640
{\an8}I have no regrets about that.

61
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,226
{\an8}It was a perfect pregnancy.

62
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,896
{\an8}Didn't smoke, didn't drink,
lost three pounds.

63
00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:52,398
{\an8}And every night before bed,
Homer would give me a little kiss...

64
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,067
{\an8}music! (gasps)

65
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,653
{\an8}Could Bart have been
prenatally screwed up

66
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,696
{\an8}by the Kiss music?

67
00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:01,157
{\an8}<i>♪ Get up! Everybody's</i>
<i>gonna move their feet ♪</i>

68
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,577
{\an8}<i>♪ Get down! Everybody's</i>
<i>gonna leave their seats ♪</i>

69
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:08,289
{\an8}<i>♪ You got to lose your mind</i>
<i>in Detroit Rock City ♪</i>

70
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,583
{\an8}Huh?

71
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:14,170
{\an8}Man, this is the weirdest
pregnancy craving ever.

72
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,381
{\an8}Well, for some reason
it relaxes me.

73
00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:18,549
{\an8}Now, do that thing
Gene Simmons does.

74
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:21,135
{\an8}Overstay my welcome
for 40 years?

75
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,181
(whistling a tune)

76
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,268
<i>KENT BROCKMAN: Regrets, eh?</i>
<i>This local newsman's had a few.</i>

77
00:04:28,351 --> 00:04:30,520
<i>Covering a town</i>
<i>of backwater rubes</i>

78
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,397
<i>who, for some reason,</i>
<i>hate my guts.</i>

79
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,441
This is Kent Brockman...
(sighs)

80
00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:38,069
live at the Springfield
Peach Parade.

81
00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:41,197
Sir, could you give us eight seconds
of your homespun wisdom?

82
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,657
It's a little-known fact

83
00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:45,201
that you can get
head lice from peaches.

84
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,328
Uh, this is my daughter, Peaches.

85
00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:48,830
(sighs)

86
00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,248
We'll have more regrets
at 11:00 tonight

87
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,583
following an all-new bottle of scotch.

88
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,043
<i>HOMER:</i>
<i>(scoffs) You have regrets,</i>

89
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,838
<i>Mr. "I Get to See the</i>
<i>Weathergirl From the Side"!</i>

90
00:04:56,921 --> 00:05:00,008
<i>I made the worst financial</i>
<i>decision of all time.</i>

91
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,759
<i>Oh, I can't think about it.</i>

92
00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,469
<i>I won't think about it.</i>

93
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:05,096
<i>I don't want to think about it!</i>

94
00:05:05,179 --> 00:05:08,391
<i>Oh, I'm thinking about it!</i>

95
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:10,977
Mm...

96
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:13,896
Hmm.

97
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,481
Huh?

98
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:18,067
(shudders)
Oh... that's the coolest bowling ball

99
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:20,111
I've ever seen.

100
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:23,448
Hello, Bear Stearns?

101
00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:25,325
I'd like to sell all my Apple stock

102
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,452
so I can buy
a fancy bowling ball.

103
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:30,330
You heard me.
Technology is a fad.

104
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:32,623
Heavy, blue balls are the future.

105
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:36,210
Now let us
text on our ubiquitous

106
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,629
Apple tablets and phones.

107
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:39,964
(keys clicking)

108
00:05:41,549 --> 00:05:44,761
Oh, you cost me
a piece of all that!

109
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,555
Oh, don't cry.

110
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,057
If it makes you feel worse,

111
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,225
<i>I'm</i> the man who bought
the stock you sold.

112
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:54,729
I'll bet a rich man like you
has no regrets at all.

113
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,481
Just one.

114
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:58,232
The girl that got away.

115
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,568
She broke my first heart.

116
00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:04,739
So, is there truly anyone
among us without regrets?

117
00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:06,240
I have no regrets.

118
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,492
Really, Mother?

119
00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:10,411
Oh, I didn't see you there.

120
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,294
(Irish accent)
I'm Father O'Greedy. Dimes for the needy.

121
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,754
(Milhouse chuckles)

122
00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:22,757
Milhouse, are you the bottom half
of that mischief?

123
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,344
MILHOUSE:
Uh... uh... uh...

124
00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:28,012
Oh, my.

125
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:32,016
My pants, like the Lord,
work in mysterious ways.

126
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,393
Return those vestments.

127
00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,061
Speaking of return on investments,

128
00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:37,313
my Apple stock is up 3,500%.

129
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,690
Aw, you misheard that
on purpose!

130
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,027
(grunting)

131
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:46,364
Tithe denied!
Tithe denied!

132
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:51,452
Mm. Must find way...
to blame myself.

133
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,665
Um, it says I should
give you lumbar support.

134
00:06:55,748 --> 00:06:57,625
Better go to the lumber yard.

135
00:06:57,708 --> 00:07:00,753
"Lum- <i>bar."</i>
It means "lower back."

136
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,797
How many times
will you make that mistake?

137
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,715
(groans)
Just put on the Kiss record.

138
00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:07,385
-Which one?
-Anything from <i>Love Gun.</i>

139
00:07:07,468 --> 00:07:08,302
<i>♪ ♪</i>

140
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:11,848
Hey, book, are you expecting <i>this?</i>

141
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,057
And while I'm at it...

142
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:16,727
Burn, dumb, helpful books.

143
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,813
That is a <i>good</i> fire.

144
00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:20,565
(grunting)

145
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,692
(pants)

146
00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,652
You're going down, Bart!

147
00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:26,904
(grunts, groans)

148
00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,407
-Ah, reckless youth.
-He'll be okay.

149
00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:31,409
I was referring to <i>him.</i>

150
00:07:33,077 --> 00:07:35,413
I had a spring in my step
like that once.

151
00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:37,582
Back when I met Lilah.

152
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:41,627
<i>Lilah ran a little crepe stand</i>
<i>in the seventh arrondissement.</i>

153
00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:44,881
(French accent)
Oh, Monty,

154
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:49,385
looking at you, I could lie
in this unheated garret forever.

155
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,387
There's heat.
I just don't turn it on.

156
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,891
Seeing you there, in the sweet light
of Paris between the wars,

157
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,684
there's a question I must pose.

158
00:07:56,767 --> 00:07:57,977
I have something for you.

159
00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,979
Oh! Not that.

160
00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,190
(chuckles)

161
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:03,316
(grunts)

162
00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:04,567
(bubbling)

163
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,152
(chuckles)

164
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:11,115
Wrong box.
Lilah, will you take that big step

165
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,034
-from cousin to wife?
-(gasps)

166
00:08:13,117 --> 00:08:15,870
Oh, Monty, you must
promise me one thing.

167
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,581
Anything she wanted
I was willing to do.

168
00:08:18,664 --> 00:08:20,708
Anything, except...

169
00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:22,960
All I ask is that you set aside

170
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:25,546
five minutes a day
to think of others.

171
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:28,633
When you say "others,"
could they be bars of gold?

172
00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:31,469
(crying)
I shall find another husband

173
00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:33,471
as good as you are evil.

174
00:08:33,554 --> 00:08:34,555
No one's that good.

175
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,849
(sobbing)

176
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:40,228
All I have left is my drawing.

177
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,812
Hm.

178
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,564
It looked a lot better
in my memory.

179
00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,941
Uh, but you know what, Smithers?

180
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,860
I will find Lilah
and win her back.

181
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,612
I'll just check
with the old gang.

182
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,489
Hemingway!

183
00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:53,199
Picasso.

184
00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:56,035
Matador Juan Belmonte.

185
00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:58,371
And Stalin.

186
00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:00,581
That man could really
put pressure on you.

187
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:01,874
Hello, Kent.

188
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,377
Well, well, well.
Rachel Maddow.

189
00:09:04,460 --> 00:09:06,295
Everyone came back
for Chip's funeral.

190
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,548
I was flying from DC to New York
and, of course,

191
00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:10,216
I had the layover
in Springfield.

192
00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:11,968
How's the gang at Channel 6?

193
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,553
Look, let's get this out of the way--

194
00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,388
just because we both
worked at Channel 6

195
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,473
and you made it big and I didn't
doesn't mean I'm bitter.

196
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,684
Um, Is that your car?

197
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:21,269
Maybe.

198
00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,645
Kent, I'm gonna tell you

199
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:25,273
the most important mistake
you ever made...

200
00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:26,607
after this break.

201
00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:29,151
So, Kent,
that mistake you made,

202
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,195
that fundamental,
life-changing error,

203
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:32,738
that cosmic fail, that...

204
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,241
-Just tell me already!
-After this break.

205
00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:36,617
You could have come with me,

206
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:38,411
but you were suckling
the dual teats

207
00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:41,539
of infotainment
and celebrifawning.

208
00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:43,541
(upbeat theme plays)

209
00:09:43,624 --> 00:09:45,835
So, tell us about your new movie.

210
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:47,044
It's fantastic.

211
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:50,131
{\an8}The studio let us play
in their sandbox.

212
00:09:50,214 --> 00:09:52,758
-Great. We have a clip.
-No! No, don't show it.

213
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:55,136
There aren't five good seconds
in the whole film.

214
00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:56,721
-(car door closes)
-(tires screeching)

215
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:01,058
I'm not a newsman anymore,
I'm a geologist.

216
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,102
I keep discovering
a new rock bottom.

217
00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:06,022
Kent, I think I found my ticket
out of this town.

218
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,065
Or at least to a better Springfield.

219
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,234
You two newshounds
working on a story?

220
00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:11,819
How about this?

221
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:15,114
Mario's down the street
found a rat in their pasta.

222
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,699
When did that happen?

223
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:18,701
Whenever you want. Eh?

224
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:20,077
Rachel, can I come?

225
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:21,537
We can share blazers.

226
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:22,788
Just follow me.

227
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,458
At Mario's, the picture
of Sinatra on the wall

228
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:27,460
is signed by Frank Junior.

229
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,545
The frame hides the "Junior"!

230
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,506
Someone's been dumping tires
in the forest.

231
00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:36,469
Willikers!
In my three years of soft news,

232
00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:38,387
I've never seen anything like this.

233
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:41,390
Those are tires from
my ill-fated Krusty Town Car.

234
00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:44,477
It would <i>explode</i> if people
gripped the wheel too tightly.

235
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:45,978
(laughs)
What a scoop!

236
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,688
You're not telling no one.

237
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:50,941
As the 4:00 p.m. clown,
I have complete control

238
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:53,527
of Channel 6's news division.

239
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,697
Local news is a joke.

240
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:58,074
I'm going to cable.

241
00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,492
Cable news!

242
00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:02,244
Bah! People only want news
at 6:00 p.m.

243
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,163
from white guys on weekdays

244
00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:05,915
and black guys on weekends.

245
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:07,333
We'll see about that.

246
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:09,126
Yes, we shall see.

247
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,671
About that, things will be seen.

248
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,422
By us.

249
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:15,841
Kent, you coming?

250
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:17,343
He ain't comin'.

251
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,720
This little piggy's
afraid to leave his cushy

252
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,430
anchorman slop trough.

253
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,891
Could you, uh, phrase that
a little more nicely?

254
00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:26,686
Sorry. He "isn't" coming.

255
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,187
You'll regret this, Kent.

256
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:30,564
When I have my own show
and you're stuck here

257
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:33,442
tracking Santa's flight
from the North Pole.

258
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,028
"Oh, look,
he's over Greenland!"

259
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,785
Don't worry, piggy,
you made the right choice.

260
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:47,873
Eh, it'll burn out in an hour or so.

261
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,050
Look, Burns,
I've got the dope on your sweetie.

262
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,136
She's still alive,
and she just got over

263
00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:01,804
being mad at you last week.

264
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,139
Lilah's alive?

265
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:05,099
Yeah, well, uh, she's alive,

266
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,642
but... she's a nun.

267
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,978
Married to Jesus, eh?
Does he beat her?

268
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,689
Jesus? No, he's a real
Eagle Scout, that one.

269
00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,400
But your penguin's not a Catholic,
she's a Buddhist nun--

270
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:17,903
spent her life expressing her sexuality
with a Zen garden.

271
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,114
Those raked rocks
could have been me.

272
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:23,159
Now, since you're so good
at finding things, find the exit.

273
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:26,245
There is the little matter
of my fee.

274
00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:28,205
You're becoming very tiresome.

275
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:29,999
Who moved my desk?!

276
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:33,669
<i>♪ ♪</i>

277
00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:37,590
Well, here I am.
Cable news alley.

278
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:44,680
(dog howls)

279
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,559
Fox News.
Is this <i>really</i> how I want

280
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:50,186
to get back in the big leagues?

281
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,062
Let's see how
print journalism is doing.

282
00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:53,731
Sir, do you sell
<i>The New York Times?</i>

283
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:56,400
Sir, we are
<i>The New York Times.</i>

284
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:58,027
And in I go.

285
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,529
Why are you doing this, Bart?

286
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,990
50% attention-seeking,

287
00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:05,701
50% to drop things on people.

288
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,746
He's gonna visit
my sky granny.

289
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:12,374
To work at Fox News,
all you have to be able to do

290
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,043
is operate this device.

291
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:15,878
Now, when a Republican
is in trouble...

292
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,422
{\an8}<i>At the time,</i>
<i>I didn't know it was illegal</i>

293
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,467
{\an8}<i>to sex up a cow</i>
<i>on the Capitol steps.</i>

294
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,511
...we simply do this.

295
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:29,892
Now you try.

296
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:36,774
Sorry, but I just discovered
I have some scruples.

297
00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:38,609
I'm going back
to my sweet little town

298
00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:40,653
where <i>I</i> can decide
what news is.

299
00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:42,238
Like a god.

300
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,741
We've had some good times.

301
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,160
<i>♪ Memories ♪</i>

302
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:53,624
<i>♪ Rest between the pages</i>
<i>of my mind ♪</i>

303
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:59,713
<i>♪ Memories ♪</i>

304
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:05,803
<i>♪ See me through the ages</i>
<i>just like wine... ♪</i>

305
00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:09,348
And you sat on the gas pedal
when my foot fell asleep,

306
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:11,392
so I'm getting you
shined up nice.

307
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,686
What the...?

308
00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:15,521
Oh!

309
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:17,481
That's a ball-proof
window, sir.

310
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:20,359
Would you like me to ask Siri
for a nearby hospital?

311
00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:24,280
{\an8}<i>SIRI: I'm sorry, I don't see any</i>
<i>"hops petals" near you.</i>

312
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,323
<i>Deleting all contact information.</i>

313
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:28,784
No, no, I didn't ask you
to do that, Siri. I...

314
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,202
<i>Delete confirmed.</i>

315
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,542
BART:
(groans) Okay, Bart, be cool.

316
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:39,295
Calm down,
you're not gonna die up here.

317
00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:40,546
(indistinct chatter)

318
00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:41,881
(whooping)

319
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:44,884
-(gunfire)
-(Bart yells)

320
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,556
Aw...

321
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,392
D'oh!

322
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,197
Oh, Monty,
I can't believe you found me

323
00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:09,491
after all these years.

324
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,744
I've saved myself for you.

325
00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:13,203
Well, then, uh...
(nervous chuckle)

326
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,039
I should disrobe at once.

327
00:15:15,122 --> 00:15:17,207
Housekeeping? Send up
a Chinese dressing screen

328
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:20,377
and one of Firestone's finest
vulcanized prophylactics.

329
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:23,339
-Be right back.
-(laughs softly)

330
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:27,927
Smithers?
Which do I take first,

331
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,929
the rhino horn
or the tiger tongue?

332
00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:31,597
I have my doubts
about both, sir.

333
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,724
Bah! I'll just do it
the old-fashioned way.

334
00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,100
With my pump.

335
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,436
(engine sputtering)

336
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:39,188
(sputtering continues)

337
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:40,981
(chuckles)
Just powdering my nose, darling.

338
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:43,567
(engine continues sputtering)

339
00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:47,863
Smithers,
run down to Sears, Roebuck,

340
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,366
and get a five-eighths-inch
Phillips head bolt.

341
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,368
(tires screech)

342
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:55,079
(sighs) Here I am,
slowly dying every day

343
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:56,997
at 5:00, 6:00 and 11:00.

344
00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:58,624
BART:
Help! Help!

345
00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:02,211
Child in danger
with exciting visuals!

346
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,963
This kid's corpse could be
my magic carpet.

347
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,381
Get me a cameraman!

348
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:08,884
<i>The movie </i>Up<i> has come horribly</i>
<i>to life over Springfield.</i>

349
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,844
<i>A local boy</i>
<i>clings to life in a story</i>

350
00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:13,013
<i>that proves</i>
<i>this reporter's relevance.</i>

351
00:16:13,097 --> 00:16:14,473
<i>BART: Ay, caramba!</i>

352
00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:16,308
(gasps)
It's Bart!

353
00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:17,643
Pray for a miracle, boy.

354
00:16:17,726 --> 00:16:20,062
God can hear you
better from up there.

355
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:21,981
Dear Lord,
please help me land safely.

356
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:24,483
Or transform this basket
into a flying killer robot

357
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,819
that I control with my mind.
Amen.

358
00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:28,070
That's not a prayer.

359
00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:29,738
My God says it is.

360
00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:37,329
Oh, I see you're ice-cold
with anticipation.

361
00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:40,624
Dead?

362
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,167
Oh, Lilah.

363
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,421
Even at the end,
I waited too long.

364
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,172
What if I give her
the breath of life?

365
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,799
(soft exhale)

366
00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:50,342
Oh, boy.

367
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,594
I guess one regret
just leads to another.

368
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,388
You know, sir,
maybe it would bring you peace

369
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:57,016
to honor the one thing
Lilah ever asked of you.

370
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:01,645
Here you are, my good man.

371
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,856
A little broth will cure
your mental illness.

372
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:05,482
-(chuckles)
-Sir, that's five minutes.

373
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,609
You can stop thinking
of other people now.

374
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,446
You know what,
I think I'll give it another five.

375
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,867
<i>I'm proud of you, Monty.</i>

376
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,076
(kissing)

377
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:17,953
I ain't eatin' that.

378
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,751
Chief, what are you doing
to save our son?

379
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,419
Well, I've placed marksmen
on the roof

380
00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,421
to shoot the balloons
one by one,

381
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,465
but frankly
they're not very good.

382
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:30,591
-(gunshot)
-(grunts)

383
00:17:30,674 --> 00:17:32,968
(whining)
Chief, it happened again.

384
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,387
Aw, come on, guys, spread out.
Arm's length.

385
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:36,972
It's all my fault.

386
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,557
I should never have listened

387
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,268
to those Kiss albums
when I was pregnant.

388
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:43,687
Marge, with all due respect,
that's ridiculous.

389
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:46,273
My Sarah listened to Mozart
and Churchill speeches

390
00:17:46,356 --> 00:17:47,983
when she was pregnant
with Ralphie,

391
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,110
and he can't even
open a refrigerator.

392
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,945
Pushing, always...
always pushing.

393
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,072
Really?

394
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:54,656
Oh, yeah.
That kid's a mess.

395
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,992
Hey!
Only I get to criticize him, Lou.

396
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,536
Kid's scared to flush.
Thinks it's his brother.

397
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,915
Can we focus on my son
up in the sky?

398
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:04,792
{\an8}Oh, I've got a long-shot idea.

399
00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:08,253
{\an8}By which I mean firing a shot
over a long distance.

400
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,130
{\an8}(chuckling)

401
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,548
Yeah, you see, if we could fire

402
00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:15,844
an exactly 12-and-a-half-pound weight
into the basket,

403
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:19,098
it would lower the boy
very gently to the ground.

404
00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:22,434
Unfortunately, all our
cannonballs were melted down

405
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,312
to make a statue of Joe Paterno,

406
00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:28,148
which we changed
to look like Eugene Levy.

407
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:33,445
I think I just might have
what you're looking for.

408
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:37,074
<i>♪ ♪</i>

409
00:18:37,157 --> 00:18:40,786
Today I'm <i>glad</i>
that I sold that stock.

410
00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:43,539
Uh, Apple closed up
another 20 points today.

411
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,457
(whining)
Why does everyone know?

412
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,210
Because their terrific products
keep track of it for you.

413
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,129
And anything else
you could ever think of.

414
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,096
That kid's not dying
on my watch.

415
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,265
Which ends...
right now, fortunately.

416
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,975
(hums a tune)

417
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:06,979
(whimpers)

418
00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:10,899
CROWD: (chanting)
Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart!

419
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,651
(laughing) Hey.

420
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:14,570
-CROWD: Bart! Bart!
-Hmm. (yells)

421
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,822
{\an8}Homer's rising faster
than Apple stock.

422
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:18,240
{\an8}(laughter)

423
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,075
(Homer yells, grunts)

424
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:22,744
My boy's okay!

425
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,454
CROWD:
(chanting) Bart! Bart! Bart!

426
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,748
I won the science fair!

427
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,709
I get to go to Chicago!

428
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:30,419
CROWD:
Bart! Bart! Bart!

429
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,422
Ugh. Bart, Bart, Bart.

430
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,424
You know what I think
about regrets?

431
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,302
As long as your family
is together,

432
00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:41,013
every choice you've ever made
is the right one.

433
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:43,223
And together we are.

434
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,308
(gunshot)

435
00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:47,269
Would you guys knock it off?
He's down safe already.

436
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,562
(gunshot)

437
00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:50,689
MAN: Sorry, Chief,
that was me putting it down.

438
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:52,816
And there you have it--
a family reunited.

439
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,819
And a grateful nation gives thanks
for some solid reporting.

440
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,487
Back to you, Rachel Maddow.

441
00:19:57,571 --> 00:19:59,531
Great job, Kent.
I think we might have

442
00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:01,491
an opening for you at MSNBC

443
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,952
between our weekend
prison documentary block

444
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,495
and the two hours it takes

445
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,289
to make up Joe Scarborough
on Monday morning.

446
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:08,957
(chuckles)
No, thanks, Rachel Maddow.

447
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,668
I'm happy right here.
No regrets.

448
00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:19,176
<i>♪ ♪</i>

449
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,137
-(murmuring)
-Shh!

450
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,935
{\an8}Subtitled Emily Hurd