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{\an8}-KODOS: You and your stupid makeup.
-CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
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{\an8}We missed Halloween!
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(theme music playing)
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D'oh!
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-(tires screech)
-(grunts)
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Ooh!
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{\an8}(yawns)
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{\an8}Ah, ah, ah.
I'd like to welcome
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{\an8}all of the principals
from the Springfield School District,
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{\an8}including Skin-ner!
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{\an8}Wein-berg!
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{\an8}Sack-ett!
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{\an8}And Gwendolyn
Hertz-feld-Mastroantonio!
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{\an8}We are here for the annual
Dance of the Lemons,
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{\an8}where each of you gets to trade
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{\an8}-your worst teacher to another school.
-(lemons groaning)
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{\an8}The union's happy,
the parents are placated,
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{\an8}and only the children suffer.
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{\an8}MAN ON VIDEO:
(whispers) Chalmskinn.
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{\an8}Behold your lemons!
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{\an8}Sociopathic child haters
who are only teachers
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{\an8}because they got tenure
after two short years.
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{\an8}That's mean!
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{\an8}You know what you are.
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{\an8}(Taser buzzing)
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{\an8}Uh, first lemon--
from Springfield Elementary,
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{\an8}going to West Springfield,
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{\an8}third grade teacher,
Sticky-Fingers Stella.
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{\an8}Now, going to Springfield Elementary...
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{\an8}God have mercy.
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{\an8}Seymour, your new teacher is...
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{\an8}Everybody pray!
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{\an8}This is a public school.
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{\an8}I said pray!
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{\an8}Mr. Lassen is here.
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{\an8}No smoking.
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{\an8}So, Mr. Lassen,
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{\an8}you began your career
at Shelbyville Prep.
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{\an8}It seems that certain wealthy parents
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{\an8}didn't like seeing their precious
darlings duct-taped to the wall.
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{\an8}Mm-hmm.
And then you entered the public system.
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{\an8}That's where I got this scar.
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{\an8}What scar?
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{\an8}Oh, I see you're left-handed.
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{\an8}So, that concludes my evaluation.
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{\an8}Enjoy fourth grade.
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{\an8}So, any dirt on the new teacher?
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{\an8}Is he stingy
with the pumpkin stickers?
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{\an8}Does he have OCD? OCD? OCD?
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I don't know, but in ten minutes,
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I'm gonna have him kneeling before Zod.
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In this example, I'm Zod.
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(thumping)
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When he opens the door...
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That's kind of scary,
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but it doesn't make me pee my pants.
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-Hello.
-(screams)
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I'm Mr. Lassen.
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-You mean Mr. Less-than?
-(students giggle)
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So, a comedian, are you?
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I got a pretty solid ten minutes.
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Well, I could do five minutes
on your pathetic vest
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and five minutes
on your ugly buck teeth.
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And I've got a whole HBO special's worth
on your fat mama!
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My mom can't afford to be fat--
she's an exotic dancer.
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(chuckling) Oh!
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And in what exotic location
does she dance?
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A Touch of Class.
But the "C-L" fell off.
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Son, there was never a "C-L."
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I-I think I always knew that!
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(sobbing)
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Bart, this guy served two tours
in middle school.
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-Abort prank!
-I will not.
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Anything to delay a spelling test.
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(thumping)
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Looks like I've got a prankster
on my hands.
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(chuckles)
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You know, son,
school code says a student's hair
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should be of uniform length.
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-What are you gonna do to him?
-Quiet... Smellson.
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Smellson?
I prayed no one would ever think of that!
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(razor buzzing)
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BART: Ay, caramba.
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-How was your first day at school, Bart?
-Terrible.
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-You want to talk about it?
-No.
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Oh, thank you.
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Why are you wearing your hat at dinner?
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This new teacher I got gave me a haircut.
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-Hmm?
-A haircut? Let me see.
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-No.
-Come on. Please?
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No, you'll laugh at me.
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I won't laugh at you. Let's see.
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(laughing)
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Look at me. I'm Bart.
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We're sorry.
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(laughing)
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(laughing)
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Stop that, all of you.
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It's not Bart's fault that his haircut
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-looks so stupid.
-(Homer giggles)
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I didn't know that a teacher
could cut kids' hair.
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Teachers' union won the right
in their last strike.
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I'm going to go to that school
and talk to that teacher.
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Marge, please don't say anything.
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It never makes a difference,
and then the teachers give us stink-eye
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during the school fairs.
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Well, if he's gonna get a haircut,
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Bart should at least
have gotten a balloon with it.
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-(groans)
-(grumbles)
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Well, anyway, Bart, you'll cheer up
on our camping trip this weekend.
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What camping trip?
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The one you booked for us at Owl Haven.
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The one you have to reserve
a year in advance.
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Oh, uh, you told me
not to do it a year ago. Remember?
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-I don't remember that.
-You're right.
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No one can be expected to remember
something from a year ago.
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Certainly not me.
Pass the gravy.
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(gasps) Don't tell me
you didn't reserve a campsite.
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Labor Day is next weekend.
There'll be nothing left.
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Hey, there's always room
at Buzzard's Roost.
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Excuse me, but Buzzard's Roost
is a converted parking lot.
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Excuse me,
but grass is poking through.
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-Why do I ever put you in charge...
-LISA: Parking lot!
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-...of the littlest thing?
-HOMER: Poking through!
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-(crying)
-LISA: Parking lot!
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-HOMER: Poking through!
-My biggest sin is that I dare to hope.
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(crying)
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Oh, Marge, I can't stand it
when you cry at dinner.
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The pork chops look traumatized.
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The mashed potatoes can't stand to watch.
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Even the children seem upset.
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So trust me,
I will come through for you, baby.
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Not you.
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So what do you say, Marge?
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I want so much to believe you.
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And I want you to believe me, too.
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Isn't it great how much we agree?
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Looks like our blackboard
has been defaced.
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Lucky for you, I can take a joke.
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(grunting)
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Hello? Hello?
Is everything okay?
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MILHOUSE: Here's... Millie!
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Excuse me, you ruined my report.
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Fine. You got an "A."
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LISA:
Oh! Yippee! Fourth-grade "A"!
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You might fool some people,
El Barto, but not me.
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(electrical buzzing)
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Now we're gonna learn
about electricity.
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Hey, live wire. Come up here.
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Touch the generator.
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-Even I think this is too far.
-Quiet, Smellson.
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It's sticking.
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(grunting)
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I just need to get to 60%.
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Milhouse, I'm gonna get back at Lassen.
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Now, The Hobbit taught us that
every dragon has a chink in its armor.
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It also taught us that
New Zealand's beautiful landscapes
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00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:30,741
and attractive tax credits
add up to a filmmaker's paradise.
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{\an8}For more information,
visit www.nzfilmhere.nz.
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To find out Lassen's weakness,
I hid a camera in the teachers' lounge.
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{\an8}(grunting)
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{\an8}Ach! Wrong order!
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{\an8}You seem lonely and kind of weird.
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{\an8}You left out "single."
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{\an8}Mind if I heat up some goulash?
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{\an8}Let's continue this online.
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I've created a fake Ms. Hoover profile.
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When Lassen friends her,
we'll know everything about him.
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I don't know, Bart.
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You're lying about your identity?
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That's against the terms and conditions.
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We've all read
the terms and conditions, Milhouse.
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Look, I really need a campsite.
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My wife is making sandwiches.
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Sorry,
reservations are a year in advance.
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-What about Mosquito Cove?
-Booked.
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-Skunk Canyon?
-Booked every year since 2003.
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Ooh, how about the campsite
where the guy in the hockey mask
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-kills all the campers?
-Sir, that's a movie.
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Hello? Hello?
This is Homer Simpson.
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742 Evergreen Terrace.
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Looking for a place
for my kids and me.
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And my pretty, pretty wife.
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You know, alarm code 3679.
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3679!
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So I hear you're getting back at Lassen.
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Maybe I am. So?
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You got to do it, man.
He preys on the weak.
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Now, give me your lunch money.
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00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,796
-I'll take that.
-(whimpers)
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(cat screeches)
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Here's Lassen's profile.
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00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,680
What the...
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00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,890
Tagged as Lassen?
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00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:18,891
(groans)
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00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:22,520
It says these were taken at Blazing Guy.
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00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,647
What's Blazing Guy?
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00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,108
Oh, that's convenient.
199
00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:28,442
Helloha.
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00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:32,071
Do you want to make your home
in a self-sustaining city
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00:09:32,154 --> 00:09:35,116
that only exists a few days a year?
202
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:38,119
One that combines nudity, dust storms,
203
00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:41,747
children, and all-consuming fires?
204
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,166
Then you, my bro or brah,
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are dreaming of Blazing Guy.
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On the last day,
207
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,841
the chosen one, or Ignis,
208
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:55,511
sets fire to the giant wooden Guy
209
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:59,932
in a ritual dating back to 1986.
210
00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:03,853
The Blazing Guy Council of Elders,
in conjunction with Duraflame,
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00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:09,108
is very pleased to announce
that this year's Ignis is Jack Lassen.
212
00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:11,402
-(both gasp)
-So if we go there with a camera
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00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:13,070
to film Lassen humiliating himself,
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00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:15,698
I'll get revenge for him
making me into this.
215
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,533
(chuckles)
216
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:18,993
I was trying to even it out.
217
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:21,203
You're starting to look like your dad.
218
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:22,538
No.
219
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,875
I'm lucky.
I look just like my mom.
220
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:28,169
(both grunting)
221
00:10:30,921 --> 00:10:34,175
Gosh, that was a hard
sleeping bag to roll up.
222
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,636
Those were your father's sweatpants.
223
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:40,973
(sighs) Marge, I have a confession
to make about this trip.
224
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:43,392
(quietly) Dad, don't worry.
I got you a place.
225
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:47,480
Hmm? Once again, I've been saved
from any consequences.
226
00:10:47,563 --> 00:10:49,190
It'll keep happening till one day
227
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I create a mess so enormous
it can't be cleaned up.
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Thanks, boy.
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00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:57,740
♪ A-camping we will go ♪
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00:10:57,823 --> 00:10:59,742
♪ But where I still don't know ♪
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00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,786
♪ A place that's filled
with sun and sand ♪
232
00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:04,080
♪ A desert steampunk Disneyland ♪
233
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:08,459
♪ Keep expectations low ♪
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00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:13,130
♪ Swing low, sweet chariot ♪
235
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,133
Hmm.
236
00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:21,555
(Homer laughs)
237
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,100
Homer Simpson, I love you.
238
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,021
Oh.
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00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:34,276
(gasps)
A world of anarchic free expression.
240
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,529
Cars shaped like cupcakes!
241
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:39,156
BOTH: I'm home.
242
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,034
-(gasps)
-No, no, no, don't blow me out, wise guy.
243
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:43,953
Not in the mood.
244
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,044
(groans)
245
00:11:57,049 --> 00:12:00,511
I'm not sure this campground
is family-friendly.
246
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,430
All camping is pointless.
247
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,890
You drive hundreds of miles
to shower and sleep
248
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,518
in a place with no bathroom or bed.
249
00:12:07,601 --> 00:12:10,354
I guess what I'm trying to say is
where's Maggie?
250
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,106
(groans, screams)
251
00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:15,109
We brought Cheerios for you.
252
00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,197
Now, you know the wind
does kick up here.
253
00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,783
Hope you went three feet down
with your tent stakes.
254
00:12:22,867 --> 00:12:26,120
Uh, listen here, Desert Arnaz.
255
00:12:26,203 --> 00:12:29,248
Homer Simpson
knows how to pitch a tent.
256
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,170
Hey, man, can I bum a tent?
257
00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:35,254
(groans)
258
00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:38,466
You seem stressed.
Have some calming tea.
259
00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:41,552
Finally. A normal person.
260
00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:43,804
Ah. Thank you, Miss, um...
261
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,848
Calypso Self-Knowledge.
262
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:50,269
Is that tea... adulterated?
263
00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:53,105
Does that look like something I'd do?
264
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,066
HOMER: Hey, Marge.
265
00:12:56,150 --> 00:13:00,321
We got a new tent
from a guy who just O.D.'d.
266
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,824
Aw, let me get a picture of that.
267
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:05,576
-(alarm whooping)
-(cell phone chimes)
268
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,746
BOTH: Aw.
269
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:10,790
I think Smitty's still inside.
270
00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:12,416
Oh, too bad he's missing this.
271
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,835
So many musical choices.
272
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,128
A brass band.
273
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,422
Barbershop quintet?
274
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:19,840
The human kazoo.
275
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,343
Oh, a drum circle.
276
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:23,844
(rhythmic drumming)
277
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,103
(all playing)
278
00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,195
Uh... can I help you, freak?
279
00:13:41,278 --> 00:13:42,947
No.
280
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:45,074
(plays a sad tune)
281
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:49,370
BART: There he is.
282
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:52,623
(gasps)
His nipples are asymmetrical.
283
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,166
This could ruin him.
284
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,168
Milhouse, everyone here is a total freak.
285
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,088
We have to find a way
to completely humiliate Lassen.
286
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:02,174
Get a picture
of a restaurant check with no tip,
287
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:04,176
put it online, say it was him.
288
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,178
Kaboom, he's finished.
289
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,475
Mmm.
290
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:13,727
Mmm.
291
00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,689
Oh.
292
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:21,443
Suddenly this place doesn't seem so bad.
293
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,028
This place is great.
294
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,531
Just have to avoid
these inseam-high cactuses.
295
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:27,283
{\an8}Hup, hup.
296
00:14:27,366 --> 00:14:28,826
{\an8}D'oh!
297
00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:32,246
Oh. Are you Mr. Clean?
298
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:35,499
(scoffs) Compared to the rest
of these people, yeah.
299
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:38,002
{\an8}So give the Tooth Fairy
my forwarding address,
300
00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:40,212
{\an8}'cause it's pretty loose.
301
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,882
About time. It's the only phone.
302
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:44,925
You don't count.
303
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:49,305
Maybe we should just give up on Lassen.
304
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,932
No. This Ignis thing
is the biggest deal of his life.
305
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:55,603
And I'm gonna wreck it.
Because he scarred me forever.
306
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,731
Hey, it grew back.
A little better, even.
307
00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:01,901
-So full and lush.
-Enough.
308
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,736
Mmm.
309
00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:08,991
It's like someone ironed out
all the wrinkles in my brain.
310
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,326
(gasps)
311
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,494
(upbeat tune playing)
312
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:40,022
(wind whistling)
313
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,859
Get in the tent.
314
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,116
D'oh!
315
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:58,290
Oh, you always save me,
trombone elephant.
316
00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:01,085
(imitates elephant)
317
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,883
BART: Hmm. Fire retardant?
318
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:13,305
If Lassen can't light that thing,
he'll be humiliated.
319
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:16,266
What good is an Ignis
who can't blaze the guy?
320
00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,935
I'm scared, Bart.
321
00:16:18,018 --> 00:16:20,020
And I am never scared.
322
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,147
(gasps)
323
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:23,732
Hideous.
324
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,996
(loud beeping)
325
00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,998
These kids are gonna ruin the ceremony.
326
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,083
It's too bad I'm just an illusion.
327
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:53,929
Homie, you promised me
an incredible camping trip,
328
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,472
and I got one.
329
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:57,307
Just like I planned.
330
00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:00,102
You got very lucky this time.
331
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:03,147
-Don't push it.
-I understand.
332
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,816
I already signed up
for this place next year.
333
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:09,903
I gave my form
and $200 cash to that dude.
334
00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,572
D'oh!
335
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:14,074
(drums, saxophone, kazoo playing)
336
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,788
Ignis, approach the Burning Man.
337
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,416
I mean Blazing Guy.
338
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:36,263
(crowd groaning)
339
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,517
Get the job done.
340
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,061
You're not helping.
341
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,734
(crowd boos, hisses)
342
00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:51,111
Strip him of his nudity.
343
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,243
(laughing)
344
00:18:02,539 --> 00:18:03,832
-You.
-(both gasp)
345
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:07,377
Maybe we won't have Blazing Guy,
but we can still have...
346
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:08,962
Blazing Boy.
347
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,422
What, uh...
348
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,925
-(tooting)
-(screaming)
349
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:19,973
Help me, desert weirdos.
350
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:21,642
(both gasp)
351
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:23,685
I'll take those.
352
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:29,983
Beware the butterfly's sting.
353
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,860
What the...
354
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,946
(creaks)
355
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,575
Form a human prison
356
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:41,370
and hold him for five days.
357
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,000
No. (grunts)
358
00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,002
Wait, how many days?
359
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,046
(laughing)
360
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:53,132
Hey, listen,
we should probably get home.
361
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:56,051
My dad forgot to bring water.
(smacks tongue)
362
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:00,347
Whoa.
363
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:03,308
When will this tea get out of my system?
364
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,436
(upbeat tune playing)
365
00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:20,993
Haw haw!
366
00:19:22,494 --> 00:19:24,830
What the...
367
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:32,921
According to this file
from Blazing Guy Secret Security,
368
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,007
your behavior was so egregious
369
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:37,759
we can do something
that we've never done before--
370
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:41,180
-fire a teacher.
-Hand in your red pen.
371
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:48,145
Oh. Not gonna pass
fingernail inspection tonight.
372
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:49,438
So where do you go from here?
373
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,024
A place where my talents
will be appreciated.
374
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,234
All right, lights out.
375
00:19:57,779 --> 00:19:59,156
You, too, freak.
376
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:00,824
(groans)
377
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:02,868
You hate him, too?
378
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:06,038
With every fiber of what's left
of my wretched soul.
379
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:08,290
We should team up.
I can get you out of here.
380
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:10,417
A partner? Intriguing.
381
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,794
Who gets to gut him
like a little pot-bellied salmon?
382
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,714
-I assumed we'd take turns.
-No deal.
383
00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:18,634
♪♪
384
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,137
-(crowd murmuring)
-Shh.
385
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,935
Subtitled by Jimmy Boots