1
00:00:02,627 --> 00:00:04,087
(bellowing)

2
00:00:04,170 --> 00:00:06,297
<i>-CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>
-Yee-haw-ho-ho!

3
00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:08,758
(school bell ringing)

4
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,013
(bears growl)

5
00:00:14,055 --> 00:00:16,182
(whistle blows)

6
00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:30,196
(playing "Jingle Bells")

7
00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:34,659
(playing bluesy riff)

8
00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,168
♪ ♪

9
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,722
(growls)

10
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,434
(snarling)

11
00:00:59,517 --> 00:01:01,519
(squawking)

12
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,230
-(cats yowling)
-(Cat Lady jabbering)

13
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:09,277
D'oh!

14
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,653
(bicycle bell jingling)

15
00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,822
(grunts)

16
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:22,373
{\an8}<i>BART: Ay, caramba!</i>

17
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:28,254
(groans) Carrot.

18
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,857
{\an8}(humming)

19
00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:55,198
{\an8}You are about to see
the worst half-hour of television ever.

20
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,282
{\an8}All righty then.

21
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,953
{\an8}♪ ♪

22
00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:02,622
{\an8}Okay, R3,
let's serve up some soup.

23
00:02:02,705 --> 00:02:04,791
{\an8}(whistling)

24
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:08,044
{\an8}May the <i>sauce</i> be with you.

25
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,046
{\an8}Oh, since when is soup sauce?

26
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:11,840
{\an8}This is so non-canonical.

27
00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:14,467
{\an8}You have every right to be furious.

28
00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:20,849
{\an8}Oh, it's as bad as I remembered,

29
00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:22,934
{\an8}and I haven't watched
it since yesterday.

30
00:02:23,017 --> 00:02:24,894
{\an8}Horrible, yet enthralling.

31
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:27,438
{\an8}Hooray!

32
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,941
{\an8}A card from Dr. Hibbert.

33
00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:32,152
{\an8}(gasps)

34
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,822
{\an8}Phew.

35
00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:38,241
{\an8}Oh.

36
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,742
{\an8}(bird squawks)

37
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,286
{\an8}I'll be right home, honey.

38
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:44,330
{\an8}I just got to lock down
the reactor for the evening.

39
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,004
{\an8}Tight as a drum.

40
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:54,591
{\an8}See you soon.

41
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:57,677
{\an8}Bart, hold the ladder still!
(gasps)

42
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,597
{\an8}(grunts)

43
00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:04,642
{\an8}Oh! I wish Homer was here.

44
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,146
{\an8}-Simpson!
-(gasps) Mr. Scrooge!

45
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:10,815
{\an8}-Time for your holiday gift.
-Ooh!

46
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,650
{\an8}In your name,
a donation has been made...

47
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,069
{\an8}-(groans)
-...to the Salvation Army.

48
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,071
{\an8}-(groans)
-Also, you will be visited

49
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,948
{\an8}by three spirits tonight.

50
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,783
{\an8}No, wait. That's my schedule.

51
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,160
{\an8}Smithers, we need to cancel

52
00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:23,995
{\an8}-the 10:30 spirit.
-Yes, sir.

53
00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:26,998
{\an8}(Marge humming)

54
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:28,583
{\an8}Hello.

55
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:31,502
{\an8}Heading home, baby.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.

56
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:33,087
{\an8}(shrieks)

57
00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:39,344
{\an8}(groaning) Maybe a drink
will help me with my driving.

58
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,352
{\an8}Man, those things go off quick.

59
00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:50,480
{\an8}<i>-♪ Yo ♪</i>
<i>-(guitar plays country melody)</i>

60
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:52,315
{\an8}<i>-(metal guitar plays)</i>
<i>-♪ Ah ♪</i>

61
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:55,944
{\an8}<i>VIN SCULLY: ...and the baseball</i>
<i>exclaimed as it flew out of sight,</i>

62
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:59,822
{\an8}<i>this ballpark is shorter</i>
<i>in left field than right.</i>

63
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,449
{\an8}<i>Martinez swings and misses.</i>

64
00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:04,118
{\an8}<i>Yes! I'm recording this during a game.</i>

65
00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:05,954
{\an8}<i>Since the United States government</i>

66
00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:08,081
{\an8}<i>declares this man to be Santa Claus,</i>

67
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:10,124
{\an8}<i>this court will not dispute it.</i>

68
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,626
{\an8}Few people know that verdict

69
00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:14,462
{\an8}was overturned in the sequel.
(chuckles)

70
00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:17,465
{\an8}I better be heading home
to my family.

71
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,468
{\an8}Enjoy your evening
with your wonderful...

72
00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:22,887
{\an8}uh... neon sign.

73
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:26,307
{\an8}Yeah, last year I broke it
just so the repairman would come.

74
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,142
{\an8}But I'll be fine.

75
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:31,771
{\an8}Hey, um, you gonna be okay?

76
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,147
{\an8}Oh, yeah, yeah.

77
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,108
{\an8}Super! (crying)

78
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,655
It's just that, you know,

79
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:43,199
-I lost my ma at Christmas.
-(sighs)

80
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,451
She took me to a mall,
and I never saw her again.

81
00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:48,705
But I'll never forget that image
of her bolting for the parking lot.

82
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,790
Okay, okay.
I'll stay for one beer.

83
00:04:50,873 --> 00:04:53,126
Oh, great, great.
But don't do it out of pity.

84
00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:55,628
Pity! Pity! Have pity!

85
00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:57,964
{\an8}Look, I'm wrapped
around your leg here!

86
00:04:58,047 --> 00:04:59,632
Please! Please! Please!

87
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,551
But I promised Marge.

88
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,553
Now I'm sitting on your shoulders!

89
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,388
-Please!
-Okay, okay!

90
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:06,973
(Homer groans)

91
00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,770
-(grunts)
-Mom, where's Dad?

92
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,063
I don't know.

93
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,982
Aw, it's Christmas Eve, man!

94
00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:19,193
We do not want to set a precedent
for fat guys being late tonight!

95
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,112
(grunts)

96
00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:24,407
<i>♪ Silent night ♪</i>

97
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:27,410
<i>♪ Holy night... ♪</i>

98
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:30,204
(laughs)
I'm happy on Christmas Eve.

99
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:32,332
And for once
it's not 'cause some drunk

100
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:34,083
left a wallet on his stool.

101
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,711
<i>Uh-oh, this is starting to hurt.</i>

102
00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:41,257
(grunts)

103
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,842
(chuckles)

104
00:05:42,925 --> 00:05:45,970
And now, Homer,
it's only fair that I give yous a gift.

105
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:49,557
I'm gonna set the clock in the bar
to the correct time.

106
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,893
HOMER: Hey, what the...

107
00:05:51,976 --> 00:05:53,978
(gasps) I am so late!

108
00:05:55,104 --> 00:05:56,814
-(gulping, door slams)
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

109
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,609
It's the night before Christmas!
Stop stirring, you!

110
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:00,818
(grunts)

111
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,820
(ticking)

112
00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:06,032
One night.

113
00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:07,784
The one night of the year

114
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:11,662
I want Homer home with his family,
and he can't even do that.

115
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,332
Christmas is a great time
to dump him.

116
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:17,168
If you do it now,
you won't have to watch the Super Bowl.

117
00:06:17,251 --> 00:06:19,379
(tires squealing, car door closing)

118
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,967
Homer Simpson!

119
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,677
-(gasps)
-I never thought I'd say this

120
00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,346
to someone I cared for,

121
00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,264
much less my husband,

122
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:31,891
but I'm saying it now.

123
00:06:31,974 --> 00:06:34,519
I don't want you here on Christmas!

124
00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:36,562
Marge, think about what you're saying.

125
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:39,065
It's Sir Isaac Newton's birthday.

126
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:40,983
Out now!

127
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:47,240
Yeah? Well, good luck assembling
all those toys without me!

128
00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:48,866
We already did it.

129
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:51,494
(shrieks)
The ghost of Marge Future!

130
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,168
<i>HOMER: She'll forgive me.</i>

131
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,920
<i>MARGE: Should I forgive him?</i>

132
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:02,422
<i>HOMER: Especially this time.</i>

133
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,090
<i>MARGE: Maybe not this time.</i>

134
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:06,759
<i>HOMER: I mean, it's Christmas.</i>

135
00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,636
<i>MARGE:</i>
<i>With his marriage in this much trouble,</i>

136
00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:10,847
<i>he's got a lot of thinking to do.</i>

137
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:14,183
<i>HOMER:</i>
<i>I wonder if there's birds on the moon.</i>

138
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,645
(sobbing) I miss Marge.

139
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:23,317
<i>WIGGUM: I wonder if Lou suspects</i>
<i>that I was his Secret Santa.</i>

140
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:26,863
<i>What kind of a cheapskate gives you</i>
<i>one corncob holder for Christmas?</i>

141
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,072
(chuckles)

142
00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:34,787
Moe, what are you doing?

143
00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:37,540
<i>♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪</i>

144
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,375
<i>♪ On the feast... ♪</i>

145
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,461
<i>JAPANESE MALE VOICE:</i>
<i>Voice too poor for karaoke.</i>

146
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:44,046
<i>Shutting down.</i>

147
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,549
<i>-Bye now.</i>
-Oh, my God.

148
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:48,718
Santa brought me just what I asked for!

149
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,470
(laughs)

150
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:54,307
Hmm. "239." Who's he fooling?

151
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,269
Hmm... Hmm. Hmm!

152
00:07:58,352 --> 00:07:59,854
Mm-hmm.

153
00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:03,441
Hey, pal. Can't believe you have
to work Christmas Eve.

154
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,693
Well, if you're here
for a last minute gift,

155
00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:07,737
we have a cell phone holder that fits

156
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,156
no cell phone made after 2002.

157
00:08:10,239 --> 00:08:12,033
And, uh, Kwik-E-Nog.

158
00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:15,578
Nog stands for
"Not Okayed by Government."

159
00:08:16,829 --> 00:08:19,749
Maybe Marge would forgive me
if I won the lotto.

160
00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,000
Give me a scratcher.

161
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,627
D'oh! Give me another one.

162
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:23,711
-(groans)
-D'oh!

163
00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:25,046
-Give me another one.
-(groans)

164
00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:27,048
-D'oh! Give me another one.
-(groans)

165
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,633
D'oh! Give me another one.

166
00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:29,759
-(groans)
-D'oh!

167
00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,928
-Give me another one.
-Oh please, stop! Stop it!

168
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:34,180
My religion prohibits me
from taking advantage

169
00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:35,932
of a fool more than ten times.

170
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:38,226
This thing basically has no winners.

171
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,228
Yeah, but doesn't the money
go to schools?

172
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,980
You have been to our schools.
What do you think?

173
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,692
<i>Welcome to</i>
<i>Bring Us Your Toilet Paper night.</i>

174
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:48,986
<i>Don't worry, none goes to Willie.</i>

175
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:52,156
<i>Don't need it.</i>
<i>I got me Starbucks napkins!</i>

176
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,660
You know, ironically, in India,
they did use the money for schools,

177
00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:57,578
and they had fantastic results.

178
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:59,914
Aw, thanks for your honesty, Apu.

179
00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:02,583
Is there any other product in the store
you'd like to warn me about?

180
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,001
Well, uh...

181
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:07,088
those hot dogs began life as Twinkies.

182
00:09:11,509 --> 00:09:12,635
Wow.

183
00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:15,137
(pop, crackling)

184
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:17,348
(groans) Christmas Eve.

185
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:20,351
The one night a kid wants to go to sleep
is the one night he can't.

186
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:22,144
I can't have another cocoa.

187
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,397
My pee is starting to smell
like a ski chalet.

188
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,315
-(door opens)
-Oh, thank God you're here.

189
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,901
I need to get to sleep.
Tell me the story of jazz again.

190
00:09:28,985 --> 00:09:31,696
Well, the story of jazz starts
with the tresillo,

191
00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:35,491
the most prevalent duple-pulse rhythmic
cell in sub-Saharan African music.

192
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,744
But the rest will have to wait.
Bart, Bart, I hear Mom sobbing.

193
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:40,329
And I don't know where Dad is.

194
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,999
If it helps, I made you a card.

195
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:45,668
Bart, this is the year
I've got to nail Christmas.

196
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:48,087
I don't want to be a jaded
ten-year-old like you!

197
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,422
Ah, yes.

198
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:51,966
I remember Christmas Eve
when I was eight.

199
00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:55,928
MARGE: Why do you always wait
till the last minute to put up the lights?

200
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:57,680
HOMER:
I don't want to ruin the magic.

201
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,807
And I certainly... Aah!

202
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:01,350
(gurgling)

203
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:05,229
Next year... this is... your job.

204
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,481
-(electrical crackling)
-(grunting)

205
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,317
(grunting)

206
00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:11,444
Ooh!

207
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:12,695
(grunting)

208
00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:15,448
Hmm, they say a boy
never gets over seeing his dad

209
00:10:15,531 --> 00:10:18,367
in a Santa suit getting hanged
and electrocuted on Christmas Eve.

210
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,785
I'll help you, kid.

211
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,167
(sighs heavily)

212
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,889
Mom, I'm just a kid,

213
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:42,516
{\an8}but I say if Dad isn't here
Christmas morning,

214
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,311
{\an8}that's the kind of thing
families never recover from.

215
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:46,520
Hmm.

216
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:50,024
Lisa, sweetie,
I'm tired of being a pushover.

217
00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:51,525
You're not a pushover.

218
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:52,985
You can't smoke.

219
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,613
-Just chewing on the wood.
-Okay then.

220
00:10:55,696 --> 00:10:57,948
-(clattering)
-(groans)

221
00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,575
Eh, how you doing there?

222
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,452
Uh, your front door was locked,

223
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:03,412
so, uh, rather than call or knock,

224
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,456
I, uh, came down your chimbley there.

225
00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:07,083
(coughs)

226
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:11,087
Moe Szyslak,
you didn't climb down our chimney

227
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,172
just to say "Merry Christmas."

228
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:14,924
(coughs, clears throat)

229
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:17,134
Midge, it's one minute till Christmas,

230
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:19,845
and if I'm ever gonna be
a good guy, it's now.

231
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,263
All right, here I go.

232
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:23,265
I'm the one that kept Homer
from coming home,

233
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,601
'cause, uh, well, I was lonely.

234
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,520
-(gasps)
-Yeah, that's right-- me,

235
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:28,854
Mr. Party Pants.

236
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:31,857
So, uh, so don't hold it
against Homer, eh?

237
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,777
Oh, my poor Homie.

238
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:36,529
This is what I was hoping for.

239
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:40,199
For it not to have been
completely his fault.

240
00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:41,701
Thank you, Moe.

241
00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,077
-Mwah.
-Huh?

242
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,704
I'm sorry, Marge, I'm sorry,

243
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:47,081
but it was Christmas,
and we were under the mistletoe.

244
00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:49,917
-That's lettuce caught in a spider's web.
-All right.

245
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,502
I've got to call Homer.

246
00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:54,672
(buzzes, beeps)

247
00:11:57,842 --> 00:11:59,552
D'oh!

248
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,597
What gives?
Don't you get Showtime Extreme?

249
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,516
(groans) No answer.

250
00:12:05,599 --> 00:12:07,351
Let's go find your father.

251
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:11,021
What? I never give up hope.

252
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,523
Neither do I.

253
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:18,738
Even the anchor store's closed.

254
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:23,033
("Someday at Christmas" playing)

255
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,371
<i>♪ Someday at Christmas ♪</i>

256
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,790
<i>♪ Men won't be boys ♪</i>

257
00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:32,042
<i>♪ Playing with bombs ♪</i>

258
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,920
<i>♪ Like kids play with toys ♪</i>

259
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:39,508
<i>♪ One warm December</i>
<i>our hearts will see ♪</i>

260
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:43,888
<i>♪ A world where men are free ♪</i>

261
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,974
<i>♪ Mm, someday at Christmas... ♪</i>

262
00:12:47,057 --> 00:12:50,186
-Any uplifting holiday movies?
-Well, let's see.

263
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,313
We've got a film
about a nutty professor...

264
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:54,857
-Oh?
-...with advanced Alzheimer's.

265
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:56,942
-D'oh!
-Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill...

266
00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:59,820
-Yeah?
-...in a concentration camp drama.

267
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:01,822
-D'oh!
-And a cute model...

268
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:04,700
-Ooh!
-...airplane that lost its propeller.

269
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:08,621
Um, I guess I'll take
the concentration camp one.

270
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:11,207
And a Merry Christmas to you, sir.

271
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:14,001
♪ ♪

272
00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:15,336
(sighs)

273
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,588
Well, if I got to spend
Christmas Eve alone,

274
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:19,548
at least no one will see me.

275
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,801
-Hey-ya, Homer!
-(barking)

276
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,011
Ah, just 'cause you're here
shouldn't make you sad.

277
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:27,264
This is my 17th Christmas
alone in a movie theater.

278
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:28,808
This is my family.

279
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,643
The guy with the smelly pants,

280
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:34,063
the lady that carries empty cans
in a PBS tote bag.

281
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:36,482
Ugh, what if I left now and gave you guys

282
00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:38,317
-my popcorn and soda?
-(cat meows)

283
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:42,071
Wow, Homer,
you have a very generous side.

284
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,323
Can I borrow, like, $10,000?

285
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:51,413
Flanders?
What are you doing here?

286
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,040
Christmas is my busy season.

287
00:13:53,123 --> 00:13:55,167
Sold three pairs of scissors this month.

288
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:56,585
Two came back.

289
00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,589
Say, Flanders,
with all the hard luck you've had,

290
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,424
how do you stay so happy?

291
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,385
And don't say "Jesus."

292
00:14:04,468 --> 00:14:07,930
Well, sir, our good Lord and my boys
are all I've really got.

293
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:10,140
All Edna left me
was wonderful memories

294
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:11,892
and some ungraded papers,

295
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,019
which I'm still working my way through.
(sniffles)

296
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,105
Flanders, are you crying?

297
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,566
Ah, just snowflakes on my mustache.

298
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:21,360
Listen, could I buy a left-handed, uh...

299
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:23,279
I don't know, eyelash curler?

300
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:26,198
Sure, but y-your eyelashes
are long and luxurious already.

301
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:29,577
-Are you just buying this to be nice?
-Uh, maybe.

302
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,539
Oh, Homer, unto us this day,

303
00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:35,791
a neighbor is born. But why?

304
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,795
Because jerk-ass Homer
has become ass-jerk Homer.

305
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,756
Well, that curled my lashes,
but good for you.

306
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:43,924
(chuckles)

307
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,176
You're all right, stupid Flanders.

308
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,469
You're all right.

309
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,514
Well, this is a whole new
relationship for us.

310
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,892
We'll be friends
in this life and the next.

311
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,894
<i>(thinking)</i>
<i>Whoa, he's getting serious.</i>

312
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,312
<i>Is this what I really want?</i>

313
00:14:56,395 --> 00:15:00,232
-(whimpering)
-My best friend is a great runner.

314
00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,324
I made everyone happy but me.

315
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,034
Some Christmas.

316
00:15:10,117 --> 00:15:12,494
(sobbing) <i>Feliz navidad.</i>

317
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:18,626
(wind whistling)

318
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:26,467
(vehicle approaching)

319
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,179
Abe Simpson, please.

320
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,097
<i>Visitor for Abe Simpson.</i>

321
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,767
You came! You came to see me!

322
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,936
-(Bart grunting)
-Aw!

323
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,938
Easter came early this year.

324
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,981
I thought we were just gonna ask
if he'd seen Homer.

325
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:43,442
I'm afraid we've awoken a needy giant.

326
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:45,110
Visitors!

327
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:48,155
Let's brew some weak tea
and talk about the good ol' days!

328
00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:50,699
Make them turn the TV to CBS!

329
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:55,245
("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" playing)

330
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:58,415
{\an8}(electrical crackling)

331
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:02,795
Well, with all that you folks
have experienced,

332
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:06,382
I think we could enjoy listening
to a little of your wisdom.

333
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,759
The problem with Puerto Ricans is...

334
00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:10,636
No casual racism.

335
00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:12,304
(snoring)

336
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,223
(muttering)

337
00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:17,685
What the...

338
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,146
The Nutcracker.

339
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:24,066
Every child's favorite
Christmas character.

340
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:25,567
Is this a dream?

341
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,237
Not a dream. I work at the mall.

342
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,239
And it's closed, so scram.

343
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:32,449
Man, you are a nutcracker.

344
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,159
But I've learned something tonight--

345
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,912
you know how everyone hates
being with their family on Christmas?

346
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,498
-Uh-huh.
-Well, being without them is worse.

347
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:42,209
Can you find it in your wooden heart
to give me a break?

348
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:46,380
All right, listen, pal, uh...
you want to go to a party?

349
00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:48,590
(dance music playing)

350
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,605
What are you doing here?

351
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:07,151
Halloween merchandise goes on sale
December 26th, man.

352
00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:09,278
("O Holy Night" playing)

353
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:18,829
Well, he's not in the neon sign store.

354
00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:21,498
-Lady, buy a sign or go home.
-I'm sorry.

355
00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:25,085
I'm trying to find my husband,
and nothing's open.

356
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,879
Well, there is a party here.

357
00:17:26,962 --> 00:17:29,214
Hey, is your husband into people
dressed like food?

358
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,175
Where is this party?!

359
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:33,010
(electrical crackling)

360
00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:35,095
♪ ♪

361
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,930
Oh, my God.

362
00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:39,600
Is that girl really doing that?!

363
00:17:46,940 --> 00:17:49,193
Mm, load-bearing wall.

364
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:53,822
(whoops)

365
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:58,077
(moans)

366
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,496
Ho, ho, ho!

367
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,040
This party's great,
but all I wish

368
00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:05,793
is that I was drinking a beer
with my kids right now.

369
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,503
-MARGE: Homer?
-Hmm?!

370
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:10,506
Homie, I'm your present tonight.

371
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:14,968
And the present is that I'm not gonna
always assume that you screwed up.

372
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:18,889
Because I realize maybe there's
a good explanation for what you do.

373
00:18:18,972 --> 00:18:21,350
Or a crazy one
that's pretty entertaining.

374
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:24,520
Oh, Marge, you found me!

375
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:26,313
You always find me.

376
00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:29,149
Now we just have to find your car
in the mall parking lot.

377
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:31,610
I thought I had
one of those chirping keys.

378
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:34,363
Oh, well,
I've been faking the noise.

379
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:36,073
'Cause you deserve the best.

380
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,617
-(imitates car chirp)
-You didn't have to do that.

381
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,494
I love you just the same.

382
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:42,955
-(imitates car chirp)
-(moaning)

383
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,293
Thank you, magical creatures of the mall!

384
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:49,670
-Welcome.
-You have all taught me

385
00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:52,464
a Christmas message
I'll never forget--

386
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:56,051
the place to get drunk is at home.

387
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:05,853
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" playing)

388
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:19,283
All right, I'm sick of waiting.

389
00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:22,661
Bart, you know you can't open a present
till Mom and Dad wake up.

390
00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:24,705
(scoffs) It's 9:10 a.m.

391
00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:26,123
I know what they're doing--

392
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:28,417
they're up in bed
watching the re-broadcast

393
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,210
of the Hollywood Christmas Parade.

394
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:31,795
Oops, my finger slipped.

395
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,547
Oops! So did mine.

396
00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:35,716
-(laughing)
-Oh, I got a baseball glove.

397
00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,134
LISA: I got a chemistry set.

398
00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:38,927
BART: I want yours.

399
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,808
Merry Christmas, son.

400
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:46,935
Uh, don't you mean "Happy Birthday"?

401
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:48,896
It's two presents.

402
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:52,024
Um, walkie-talkies
don't count as two presents.

403
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,276
God. I mean, You.

404
00:19:56,403 --> 00:19:58,155
(sighs)

405
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,533
<i>JESUS: Idiot.</i>

406
00:20:04,828 --> 00:20:06,872
(Christmas theme music playing)

407
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:52,668
Subtitled by Jimmy Boots