1
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,548
<i>CHOIR:</i>
<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:06,631 --> 00:00:09,926
{\an8}(snoring)

3
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,846
{\an8}Chief, there's a sniper down
in the warehouse district!

4
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,472
{\an8}-Let's roll!
-Sniper?

5
00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:17,851
{\an8}Ah, um,
well, you know how I love to roll,

6
00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:21,438
{\an8}but, uh, my wife ordered a new
dust ruffle for our bedroom,

7
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,481
{\an8}and, uh, she had it shipped
to the station.

8
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:25,608
{\an8}If I'm not here to sign for it,
they'll take it back

9
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,695
{\an8}to the package place,
and that is a whole nightmare.

10
00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:33,408
{\an8}Love you guys.

11
00:00:33,491 --> 00:00:35,618
{\an8}(sighs)

12
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{\an8}(grunts)

13
00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:47,964
{\an8}(sighs)

14
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:51,551
{\an8}Uh, yeah, I got a delivery here
for, uh, Clancy Wiggins.

15
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:52,677
{\an8}"Wiggins"?

16
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,095
{\an8}N-N-No, it's Wiggum.

17
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:55,930
{\an8}Wiggins?
That's not even a real name.

18
00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:56,931
{\an8}What's a Wiggins?

19
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:57,932
{\an8}No, really, tell me.

20
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{\an8}Wh-What is that?

21
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:01,519
{\an8}Okay, so you're not
Clancy Wiggins

22
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:05,315
{\an8}who ordered this, uh,
Skymaster X5000 Jet Pack.

23
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,734
{\an8}Jet pack?

24
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{\an8}Of course I'm Clancy Wiggins,
you idiot!

25
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:12,989
{\an8}"Chief Clancy... Jetpack."

26
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{\an8}Wow.

27
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{\an8}Well, boys,
justice has a new name--

28
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{\an8}up.

29
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{\an8}Uh, Chief, it says here

30
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{\an8}you need to take
a 40-hour training course

31
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{\an8}and get certified
before you can legally...

32
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{\an8}I'm not the police anymore.

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{\an8}I'm the Sky Police.

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(grunts)

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Okay, okay.

36
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I think I got it.

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(grunts)

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No, I got it, I got it.

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<i>WIGGUM: (to tune of "Baby Face")</i>
<i>♪ Sky Police ♪</i>

40
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<i>♪ Chief Clancy Wiggins</i>
<i>is the Sky Police ♪</i>

41
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,948
<i>♪ A floating future cop,</i>
<i>Sky Police ♪</i>

42
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<i>♪ Fly, police ♪</i>

43
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<i>♪ Squash perps on their heads ♪</i>

44
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<i>♪ They won't know why they're dead ♪</i>

45
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<i>♪ Sky Police ♪</i>

46
00:02:02,038 --> 00:02:06,751
<i>♪ In my jet pack,</i>
<i>I'm flying high above the law ♪</i>

47
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,545
<i>♪ I'm just like Superman ♪</i>

48
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<i>♪ Powered by great big fans ♪</i>

49
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<i>♪ I'll kill you all ♪</i>

50
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:13,550
<i>♪ I'm Sky Police ♪</i>

51
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Oof! Why don't you take
that thing off, Chief?

52
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It's starting to smell.

53
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,599
What, so you can steal it
and be Sky Police?

54
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,059
Oh, no. No way.

55
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I'm Brigadier General Clancy Wiggins.

56
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Apparently a military-issue jet pack

57
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was mistakenly delivered here

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while I received
this off-brand dust ruffle.

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00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,573
Um...

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00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:37,824
oh.

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00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:40,368
Well, there's only one
floating future cop

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00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,203
who can find
that missing jet pack--

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00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,830
the Sky Police.

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00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:55,675
<i>♪ This is the end of Sky Police ♪</i>

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00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:57,760
(screams)

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You were the wind beneath my ass.

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Stupid church.

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Why would Jesus want us
to waste our weekend

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on extra boring, no-recess,
dress-up school?

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Exactly.

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The dude was a carpenter.

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And those guys
like to kick back on Sundays.

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(chuckles)

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And I mean kick back.

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Guys, church is good for your souls.

76
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:33,755
And remember,
God is listening to your prayers.

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00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:36,174
What percentage of prayers
really come true?

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00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:38,509
Well, not all of them.

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Like, um, 90%?

80
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God doesn't hear my prayers.

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00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:45,391
If he did, I'd be at home
on the couch playing video games

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00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:46,851
in a diaper.

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00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,478
Oh, God gets your prayers,

84
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but he just clicks delete
without reading them,

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00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:53,024
like e-mail updates from LinkedIn.

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00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,153
I hope no one was hurt.

87
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,821
So no church?

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00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,616
(gasps)
My prayers <i>were</i> answered.

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00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,580
-(sighs)
-Boom.

90
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,500
Don't worry, Reverend,
according to your policy,

91
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:14,170
your church is covered
for everything but acts of God.

92
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:18,591
But we believe everything that happens
everywhere is an act of God.

93
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,718
By jiminy, you're right!

94
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,887
We're off the hook!
Hey!

95
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,806
Those Cornell men
at the head office are gonna

96
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,225
be doing the Saluki Strut tonight!

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00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:29,227
Go Southern Illinois!

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00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:31,312
ALL:
Saluki Strut!

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00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:39,737
So we have no money
to repair the church.

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00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,657
And developers are itching
to build on our land.

101
00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:44,909
Fast-casual dining downstairs,

102
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,536
live-work lofts upstairs,

103
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,579
and as an anchor store--

104
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,581
a chain pharmacy.

105
00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:51,666
(gasping)

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00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:54,085
Why, it's a mixed-use nightmare!

107
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This building
is the heart of our community.

108
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We have our weddings here,
our funerals.

109
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Our fun runs begin and end here.

110
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I will not rest until it is rebuilt.

111
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I can't believe it,

112
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:11,019
but the church is going to have
to ask people for money.

113
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(groans)

114
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Who keeps putting
pickle slices in here?

115
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:21,571
I think I can help you
get the money that you need.

116
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,406
But you don't go to our church.

117
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:25,616
Granted,
I do not share your faith,

118
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,619
but the yahoos in this town
need a church

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to deliver weekly reminders
not to steal-- from me.

120
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And not to take a life--
my life.

121
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Yar, without organized religion,

122
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,212
I've lost me moral compass.

123
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Also I've, uh,
I've been addicted to Oxy

124
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for a while now... yar.

125
00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:45,678
Yar.

126
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:48,056
Now,
this is what I have got in mind.

127
00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:50,475
I will whisper even though we are alone.

128
00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:53,269
All right, people,
Marge has brought this heathen

129
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,189
to aid us in our time of need.

130
00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,774
Please do not call me a heathen.

131
00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:00,610
It offends Hanuman,
the monkey-headed lord of winds,

132
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:03,613
who believed
the sun to be a ripe mango...

133
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:05,615
Okay, I get it. I get why you say it.

134
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,992
Apu thinks we can get the money

135
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:10,703
at the casino playing blackjack.

136
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:11,704
(gasping)

137
00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,122
The casino?!

138
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,041
Blackjack's for suckers.

139
00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:16,334
My brother?

140
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:19,045
He used to own three Arby's franchises.

141
00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:21,047
Lost 'em all at the tables

142
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:24,050
and gave himself
a shotgun tonsillectomy.

143
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:27,428
But you told me Uncle Stevie
moved to Okinawa.

144
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:30,640
What I told you was to wait in the car.

145
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,642
No, no, you can beat the house.

146
00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:34,060
By counting cards.

147
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:35,645
I myself have done it--

148
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,688
when I was a student at MIT,

149
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:41,317
<i>the Mumbai Institute of Tantric Sex,</i>

150
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,820
<i>where I was recruited</i>
<i>by a card-counting ring.</i>

151
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:46,322
<i>I won enough money</i>
<i>to buy fake SAT scores</i>

152
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,574
<i>I used to get into the real MIT,</i>

153
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:51,285
<i>where I failed every class</i>
<i>and was kicked out</i>

154
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,079
<i>and had to move to Springfield.</i>

155
00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:54,038
-Mm-hmm.
-Mmm.

156
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,331
Am I hearing this right?

157
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,459
Is the church council
truly considering gambling?

158
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,002
You know, Ned,

159
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,964
the Bible never explicitly
condemns gambling.

160
00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:06,426
Biblical folks were always
playing games of chance,

161
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,845
like, uh, drawing lots.

162
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:09,846
(gasps)

163
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,055
Leviticus drew lots.

164
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:12,682
Joshua drew lots, Nehemiah.

165
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,767
Even the apostles were lot-drawers.

166
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,686
(gasps)
If gambling's okay,

167
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,272
then I'm getting health insurance
for the kids.

168
00:07:19,355 --> 00:07:21,816
Card counting is not gambling.
It is math.

169
00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:23,651
And it's not even against the rules.

170
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:25,486
Exactly.

171
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:28,573
If you are caught,
you cannot be charged with any crime.

172
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:31,075
The worst they will do
is beat you with a phone book

173
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:32,493
or break some fingers.

174
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:36,747
But what is a little pain
if your church is to be saved?

175
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:39,083
It is all good.

176
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,174
Counting cards requires
absolute focus.

177
00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:49,093
You must ignore
all casino distractions.

178
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,137
(slot machines ringing over stereo)

179
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:53,848
(all coughing)

180
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:55,725
And beware of cocktail waitresses

181
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:58,269
with free drinks
and eyeball-height cleavage.

182
00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:01,522
They're not attractive,
but you cannot look away.

183
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:02,690
<i>FEMALE VOICE (over stereo):</i>
<i>Freshen your drink, hon?</i>

184
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,108
<i>Who had the Scotch and soda?</i>

185
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,027
<i>Cocktails. Cocktails.</i>

186
00:08:06,110 --> 00:08:08,112
<i>-Another one, hon?</i>
-You, what is the count?!

187
00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:11,032
(stammers)

188
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,284
Get your head in the game, Mel!

189
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:16,787
Now remember, for this
legal-but-frowned-upon scheme to work,

190
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,789
we must have complete secrecy.

191
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,501
Do not tell anyone
what you are doing.

192
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:22,793
Not even Homer?

193
00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:24,754
(sighs)
Homer is many things,

194
00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,839
but not a good accomplice.

195
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:29,133
If he gets involved
and this scheme fails,

196
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,219
what happens to our church?

197
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,224
(dance music plays)

198
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:38,809
(all groan)

199
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:41,020
Oh, even I saw that.

200
00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:42,980
I guess I can't tell Homer.

201
00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,943
I'm leaving
for my fund-raising meeting.

202
00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:48,361
Don't wait up.

203
00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:50,988
Why are you church-os
getting together so late?

204
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:54,075
I'm asking because I'm supposed
to care about things.

205
00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:57,078
Well, to raise money, we're...

206
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:58,829
putting on a revue.

207
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,831
Well, you can't go wrong
with a revue.

208
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,250
Skits and songs?

209
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:03,459
(chuckles)

210
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,294
I'm entertained already.

211
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,921
Yeah, so, uh...

212
00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:09,715
I'm going out to rehearse...
the revue.

213
00:09:09,799 --> 00:09:11,717
Go. Go make magic.

214
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,136
You just go.
(chuckles)

215
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,513
Revue.

216
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:27,608
<i>APU:</i>
<i>Card counting is simple.</i>

217
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:30,027
<i>We all sit at different tables,</i>
<i>betting low,</i>

218
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,654
<i>playing hand after hand,</i>

219
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:34,282
<i>counting in your head</i>
<i>how many high cards</i>

220
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,200
<i>are left in the deck.</i>

221
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:38,953
<i>Ignore all distractions.</i>

222
00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,581
(stammering)

223
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,878
<i>When the count is high,</i>
<i>you have a "hot deck,"</i>

224
00:09:47,962 --> 00:09:49,672
<i>and the odds are in your favor.</i>

225
00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:53,718
<i>Then you use a secret signal</i>
<i>to call in "the Closer."</i>

226
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:56,387
<i>The Closer bets big, wins bigger,</i>

227
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:59,974
<i>and the casino never suspects</i>
<i>that it has been the victim</i>

228
00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:02,977
<i>of a morally acceptable screw job.</i>

229
00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:06,230
<i>But use caution--</i>
<i>there are eyes everywhere.</i>

230
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:09,525
<i>Sooner or later,</i>
<i>the casino will catch on.</i>

231
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,029
<i>And that is when you must flash</i>
<i>the "get the hell out" signal.</i>

232
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,417
LOVEJOY:
What a haul.

233
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:28,502
MARGE:
Ooh.

234
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,920
One more night like this,

235
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,423
and we'll be able
to fix the church in style.

236
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,093
What a rush--
it got my blood pumping

237
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,721
in a way I thought
only quiet reflection could.

238
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:40,306
Fizzy water for everyone.

239
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:44,310
I think we can do something
a little harder than that.

240
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,813
Mmm!

241
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:52,234
Now, that's a marshmallow-y
s'more-garita.

242
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:56,656
Homer, Homer, we did it.

243
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:58,824
(mumbling)
Wh-What'd you do?

244
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,826
We're going to save the church.

245
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,411
I feel like celebrating.

246
00:11:03,412 --> 00:11:06,832
B-But... But it's not on the calendar.

247
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,460
Okay, but if I'm sleepy
at work tomorrow,

248
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:11,504
I get to tell everyone why.

249
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:13,923
Oh, boy, oh, boy.

250
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:17,301
1:00 a.m. loving
and 2:00 a.m. steak?

251
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,595
Night-marriage rules!

252
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:20,721
(sighs)

253
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,390
I guess nothing
gets the heart pumping

254
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:23,599
like a church revue.

255
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,936
Huh?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, the revue.

256
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:28,729
Oh, I got so many questions.

257
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,272
What are the skits about?

258
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:33,234
Uh, pop culture and current events.

259
00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:35,444
How do you transition
between scenes?

260
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,655
Hard blackouts or spotlight fades?

261
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:39,907
-Uh, both.
-Nice.

262
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,867
You know,
it wouldn't be a revue without songs.

263
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,285
Tell me about one.

264
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,872
Okay,
uh, there's a song about, um...

265
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:50,876
how Democrats and Republicans
can't get along.

266
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,796
It's called, "Cats and Dogs."

267
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,886
(laughing)
Oh.

268
00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:03,222
You got yourself
one hell of a show, Marge.

269
00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:05,725
One hell of a show.

270
00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:09,311
(sighs)

271
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,564
Okay, okay, don't get cocky,

272
00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:13,691
you rapture-waiting baby-baptizers.

273
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:16,986
You had one good night,
but now the casino is on to you.

274
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:18,404
They're not going to let you

275
00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:21,615
anywhere near those blackjack tables,

276
00:12:21,699 --> 00:12:23,200
unless you wear these.

277
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:24,702
MARGE:
Disguises?

278
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:27,246
I'm worried our scam
is becoming dishonest.

279
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:29,248
Relax, Marge.

280
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,667
If God lets the Jews
have Sunday on a Saturday,

281
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,085
he'll be cool with this.

282
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,087
Why, I bet the Lord
is pleased as punch

283
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,714
that we're using
that dirty casino money

284
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:38,340
to rebuild his temple.

285
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,342
Our mission is 100% pure.

286
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,636
LOVEJOY:
Where has this been all my life?

287
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:44,972
(Helen and Mrs. Skinner moan)

288
00:12:45,055 --> 00:12:48,726
I could be Sideshow...
anyone.

289
00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,061
I'm telling Mom
about how the school freezer broke

290
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,772
and they had to cook all the Tater Tots

291
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:54,899
and the teachers took the extra Tots home
in manila envelopes.

292
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:55,900
I'm telling her!

293
00:12:55,983 --> 00:12:57,777
You never let me tell.

294
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,195
Mom, the freezer broke and...

295
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,571
-Cooked all the Tater Tots,
-Cooked all the Tater Tots.

296
00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:01,572
-and there were too many Tots,
-Too many Tots.

297
00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:02,782
-and there were manila envelopes,
-Manila envelopes.

298
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:03,783
and the teachers
took them home...

299
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:04,784
BOTH:
I hate you!

300
00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:06,035
MARGE:
Okay, Mel.

301
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:07,661
I'll be at the casino by 10:00.

302
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:10,748
Meet me at the lounge
by the J. Geils cover band.

303
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,376
Mom,
why are you going to a casino?

304
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:17,046
Are you... a hostess?

305
00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:21,050
Actually, my friends and I
are using a system

306
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,469
to win money to save the church.

307
00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:26,013
I can't believe you're gambling.

308
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:27,640
It's not gambling.

309
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:28,849
It's math.

310
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:30,476
Is Dad in on this takedown?

311
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:32,478
It's not a takedown.

312
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:34,855
And I haven't told him about it.
Yet.

313
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,274
But it's okay
for you guys to know

314
00:13:37,358 --> 00:13:39,276
because you're finally
grown-up enough

315
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,446
to be trusted
with adult information.

316
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,073
Yeah, we are grown-up.

317
00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,075
I know how much
to tip a waiter.

318
00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:47,493
I go on hikes with my friends

319
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:48,953
where we talk
about our problems.

320
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,746
I'll tell your dad everything

321
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,373
in the morning
when we have the money.

322
00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:54,375
But until then, I appreciate

323
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:58,045
you keeping
this very grown-up secret.

324
00:13:58,128 --> 00:14:00,130
(sighs)

325
00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:03,968
♪ ♪

326
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,787
Dump that money on the bed.

327
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,873
I'm taking a Franklin bath.

328
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,795
(imitates gargles, laughs)

329
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,714
Yeah...

330
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,718
Dear Lord,
thank you for granting us the gift

331
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:49,346
of rationalization
to allow us to scheme and swindle

332
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,764
so that we might honor you.

333
00:14:50,848 --> 00:14:52,057
Amen.

334
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,392
MARGE:
Homie.

335
00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:54,977
Homie, I can finally tell you

336
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,979
how we really got the money.
(chuckles)

337
00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,355
Homie?

338
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:00,399
(phone rings)

339
00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:01,650
Uh, Marge?

340
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:03,402
Some casino guys have me,

341
00:15:03,485 --> 00:15:05,529
and they want the money
you took from them or else.

342
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:06,572
(gasps)

343
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,282
This is all my fault.

344
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:10,367
Just tell me one thing, Marge.

345
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,828
Why did you lose faith in the revue?

346
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,372
I mean,
"Cats and Dogs" writes itself.

347
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:17,875
<i>♪ Cats and dogs on Capitol Hill ♪</i>

348
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,461
<i>♪ They don't get along</i>
<i>and never will ♪</i>

349
00:15:20,544 --> 00:15:22,796
<i>♪ Cats and dogs,</i>
<i>squabbles never ending ♪</i>

350
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:28,552
<i>♪ Even with so much</i>
<i>legislation pending ♪</i>

351
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,767
Homie, how did you end up
at the casino?

352
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,310
Well, I was taking a moment

353
00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:38,437
to enjoy my after-dinner night cap...

354
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:42,733
Dad, Mom trusted us with a secret.

355
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:44,151
But she hasn't come home yet,

356
00:15:44,234 --> 00:15:45,945
and we're worried she's in trouble.

357
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,363
(burping)
What?!

358
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,990
BOTH:
Mom's counting cards at the casino!

359
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,992
Oh, if anything happens to Marge,

360
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,119
(gasps)
we'll all be orphans!

361
00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,371
(gasping)

362
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,331
I'm coming for you, baby.

363
00:15:57,414 --> 00:15:58,457
Have you seen this woman?

364
00:15:58,540 --> 00:15:59,458
Have you?

365
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:00,793
Have you seen my wife?

366
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:02,878
This is your wife?

367
00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,296
Do you know where she is?

368
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,132
Uh, we'd like to ask you
some questions

369
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,550
in our "beating room."

370
00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:12,429
All right,
as long as it's just questions.

371
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,056
Reverend! Reverend!

372
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:16,058
They took Homer!

373
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:18,060
Why are you still dressed like that?

374
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:20,479
Um, well...
(chuckles nervously)

375
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:23,190
HELEN:
Oh, Asphodel...

376
00:16:23,273 --> 00:16:25,859
Your corpse bride is getting cold.

377
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,903
Uh, one second, Belladonna.

378
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,530
Helen and I have found that, uh,

379
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:32,449
these new personas
have been quite liberating.

380
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,451
Was that a woman's voice?

381
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,078
Send her in.

382
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:37,746
(retches)

383
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,624
If we don't give back
the money we won counting cards,

384
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,252
the casino people
are going to hurt Homer.

385
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:44,670
Okay, uh...

386
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:46,296
Tiny snafu.

387
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:49,299
I've already given the money
to the contractor.

388
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,301
Then we'll just have
to ask that contractor

389
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,678
to give the money back.

390
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:54,346
(laughs)

391
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:55,764
Give the money back?

392
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,766
(laughs)

393
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,769
Hey, Jerry, th-they want
the money back.

394
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,731
<i>La dama azul quiere</i>
<i>devolver el dinero.</i>

395
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,816
(all laughing)

396
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,237
Are you gonna put my head in a vice?

397
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,448
We don't do that--
we don't even have a vice.

398
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,659
We just want the money
your wife stole from us.

399
00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,995
Stole?
How is counting cards stealing?

400
00:17:18,078 --> 00:17:20,247
Well, it's not really stealing.

401
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:21,582
Is it even cheating?

402
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:24,168
No, but it's just not allowed.

403
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:25,753
I don't get it.

404
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:27,379
Football players
can do the quarterback sneak

405
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:29,381
and baseball players can steal bases.

406
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:31,383
Why can't I just remember
which cards have been played?

407
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,052
I can't take any more of this guy.

408
00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:34,094
Get the vice!

409
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:35,471
I knew you had a vice.

410
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:36,889
I knew it.

411
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,515
(grunting)
I knew it.

412
00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,642
I... knew it.

413
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,645
I'm sorry, Marge.

414
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:47,232
Maybe your husband's suffering
was all part of God's plan.

415
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,068
God's plan?

416
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,987
God isn't some video gamer
up there controlling us

417
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,823
like we were Pac-Men and Dig Dugs.

418
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,034
God isn't Sky Police.

419
00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,660
God didn't do this.

420
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,496
I lied to my husband.

421
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:02,331
And made my kids lie, too.

422
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:03,916
We did this.

423
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,000
She's right.

424
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,960
We thought we could enter
the den of sin

425
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:07,961
and emerge unscathed,

426
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,588
but we were scathed.

427
00:18:09,671 --> 00:18:12,216
Those free ginger ales
at the casino,

428
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:15,219
I-I didn't declare them on my taxes.

429
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,595
(grunts)

430
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:20,599
I'm going to do what I should have
done in the first place.

431
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:23,060
Put on a revue?

432
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,144
(grunts)

433
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:25,813
(groans)

434
00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:28,690
<i>MARGE: Dear Lord,</i>
<i>I don't have anywhere to pray anymore,</i>

435
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:31,693
<i>so I've come</i>
<i>to your new temple-- here.</i>

436
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:34,696
<i>Um, I don't know if you watch</i>
<i>us all the time,</i>

437
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,699
<i>or if we're just like an ant farm</i>
<i>you got for your birthday</i>

438
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,327
<i>and left on the shelf,</i>
<i>and every once in a while,</i>

439
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,413
<i>you check out what kind</i>
<i>of crazy tunnels we've built.</i>

440
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,290
<i>Maybe we got it all wrong,</i>

441
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:47,918
<i>praying for you to give us</i>
<i>things we selfishly want.</i>

442
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:51,922
<i>Maybe prayer is just taking</i>
<i>a moment to tell yourself</i>

443
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:54,258
<i>that there is good in the universe.</i>

444
00:18:54,341 --> 00:18:57,594
<i>And I'm going to sit here</i>
<i>and focus on that good,</i>

445
00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:01,640
<i>and maybe, just maybe,</i>
<i>I'll get my husband back.</i>

446
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:12,192
(gasps)

447
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,443
I'm Doug Blattner,

448
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:15,028
COO of the gaming
and resorts division

449
00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,030
of Stuffers Italian Foods.

450
00:19:17,114 --> 00:19:20,242
My family loves your microwave lasagnas.

451
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:23,078
It's not my division,
but I'll tell Bill Kelley you said so.

452
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,497
Your unsanctioned religious
gathering has caused

453
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:27,916
a marked decrease
in gambling activities.

454
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,544
HPMs are down...
that's hands per minute.

455
00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:34,089
IAMs, GDCs-- they're all down.

456
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,175
I want my husband back.

457
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:38,510
Hmm, let me run it by Jennifer Yang.

458
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,387
Oh, wait, she's on maternity leave.

459
00:19:40,470 --> 00:19:43,557
Don't worry-- I'm sure
Chuck Bennett will sign off on it.

460
00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:46,310
We are going to release your husband.

461
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:49,563
See, Marge, someone up in the sky
did hear your prayers.

462
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:53,233
They sure did--
casino management.

463
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,651
(grunts)

464
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,653
You are free to leave

465
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:59,281
as long as your faith-based
card-counting group

466
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:03,327
never return to this or any other
river or maritime casino.

467
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:06,163
-No deal!
-But we don't need to come back.

468
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,998
We saved the church.

469
00:20:08,081 --> 00:20:11,627
No! An injustice has gone on here
for too long!

470
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,629
I'm not leaving this casino

471
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:16,798
until you stop punishing people
for counting cards.

472
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:20,427
They're just playing the game
by the rules.

473
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,888
(people cheer)

474
00:20:22,971 --> 00:20:23,972
(shouts)

475
00:20:26,808 --> 00:20:30,354
Homie, after all this,
do you still believe in God?

476
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:32,940
On a beautiful night like tonight,

477
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,983
how could I not?

478
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:53,961
{\an8}<i>LOU: Next week on </i>Sky Police...

479
00:21:05,555 --> 00:21:07,474
{\an8}(chuckles)

480
00:21:07,557 --> 00:21:10,269
{\an8}♪ ♪

481
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,660
{\an8}<i>WIGGUM:</i>
<i>Sky Police!</i>

482
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,167
Shh!

483
00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:40,007
Subtitled by Jimmy Boots