1
00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:06,256
<i>CHOIR:</i>
<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
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{\an8}Today's safety film
<i>Don't Wear Jewelry During Sports</i>

3
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{\an8}has been cancelled.

4
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{\an8}Instead we'll watch a movie
that made me fall in love

5
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,766
{\an8}with showing movies
I've watched to other people.

6
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{\an8}(kids booing)

7
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{\an8}(exclaiming)

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{\an8}That's right, the 1967 classic

9
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{\an8}<i>Doctor Dolittle,</i>
which answers the question:

10
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{\an8}What if an elderly unmarried doctor

11
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{\an8}decided to focus
his practice on animals?

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{\an8}The running time is 152 minutes!

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{\an8}The running time is now!

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{\an8}(grunts)

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{\an8}<i>(horse neighing)</i>

16
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{\an8}<i>(neighing)</i>

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{\an8}<i>(neighing continues)</i>

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{\an8}(groans)

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{\an8}He's been giving that horse
an eye exam forever.

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{\an8}-MILHOUSE: It's a carrot, stupid!
<i>-(neighs)</i>

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{\an8}<i>Isn't it a pity you're a seal?</i>

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{\an8}KIDS:
Ew!

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{\an8}That dude's making it
with a fish!

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{\an8}I kissed a light socket once,
and I woke up in a helicopter.

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{\an8}<i>♪ This is the world of Dr. Dolittle ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ The wonderful world</i>
<i>of Dr. Dolittle... ♪</i>

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{\an8}This is Anthony Newley
at his worst.

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{\an8}(singing along)
<i>♪ Where crocodiles talk ♪</i>

29
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{\an8}<i>♪ And elephants sing ♪</i>

30
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{\an8}<i>♪ And animals do most any old thing ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ My friend the doctor ♪</i>

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{\an8}<i>♪ And me ♪</i>

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That movie was so bad, it actually stinks.

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(sniffing)

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Whoa, it's not the movie.

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It's Bart!

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(kids sniffing)

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(kids clamoring in disgust)

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Yeah, he smells.

40
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I don't stink.

41
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You're just smelling
the old boogers in your noses.

42
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You got to pick those things--
it's called hygiene.

43
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If I may join in the mockery,

44
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Lisa Simpson also has an appalling odor.

45
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(kids sniffing)

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What?
(gasps) I don't smell.

47
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Girls don't smell!

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(deep sniff)

49
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Sorry, girl, but you smell.

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(singsongy)
Stink-sons! Stink-sons!

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KIDS:
(singsongy) Stink-sons! Stink-sons!

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Children can be so cruel.

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ALL:
(singsongy) Stink-son! Stink-son!

54
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Then they called me Stink-son.
That's not even my name.

55
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What happened?

56
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Our family's been ostracized
for lots of things,

57
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but never our hygiene.

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Rarely our hygiene.

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Never <i>my</i> hygiene!

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(groans) I think I know
where the smell is coming from.

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ALL: Ew!

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-Mold.
-(groans)

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It's worse than a Grampa hug
in the summer.

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I thought smelly clothes
only happened to working mothers.

65
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This is all the money I've found

66
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:09,314
in Homer's pants pockets over the years.

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I was saving it to buy a spice rack

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instead of always renting one.

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(whip cracks)

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(sighs) But I guess we'll
have to spend this money

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on a new washing machine.

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We cannot continue on
as the Stink-sons.

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Oh, Stink-sons!

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(laughing)

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Hey!

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When I return, we will no longer
have to wear attic clothes.

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♪ ♪

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-(humming)
-(bell dings)

79
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Mmm...

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smoked meat.

81
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Mmm!

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(sniffing)

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-(horns blaring)
-Move it, fat ass!

84
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-I'm trying to text!
-Oh, I spilled my pee jar!

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Watch it, Stink-son!

86
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A roadside barbecue stand?

87
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,953
Everything tastes better
when it's near a road.

88
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Try a taste.
Guaranteed to blow your mouth's mind.

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Mmm.

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♪ ♪

91
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(laughing)

92
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Oh, look at 'em go!

93
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(laughing deliriously)

94
00:04:21,302 --> 00:04:23,263
(laughing)

95
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Ooh, charred and moist!

96
00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:29,978
Like Satan's burps.

97
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The grill marks
are shaped like a honeycomb!

98
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That's why I call her the Hive.

99
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She's been passed down through
my family for generations.

100
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<i>They say the Hive's made</i>
<i>from a meteor...</i>

101
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<i>which burned off</i>
<i>my great-grandpappy's beard,</i>

102
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<i>exposing his weak chin</i>
<i>to the entire township.</i>

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(laughter)

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(grunts)

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<i>It was a gift from the heavens.</i>

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<i>The perfect smoker.</i>

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The Hive
has never been cooled down,

108
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never been cleaned.

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Mixing meat, fat and smoke
into pure magic.

110
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Mmm... smoked me.

111
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You look like a man
who needs a smoker in his life.

112
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It just so happens that the Hive

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-is available for purchase.
-(gasps)

114
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Why would you give up
your most prized possession?

115
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That'd be like Stephen Hawking
selling his talking motorcycle.

116
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My old lady and I
are saving up to live our dream

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of moving further away
from our grandchildren.

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(moans)

119
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But if I don't come home

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with a washing machine,
my wife will be so mad.

121
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Oh, should I do the thing
I'm supposed to do

122
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or the thing everybody knows
I'm gonna do?

123
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You bought a grill?!

124
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It's not a grill.

125
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It's a smoker.

126
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That you can grill on.

127
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That money was supposed
to de-stink our children,

128
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,233
and instead you bought a...
doohickey

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to stuff your greedy face.

130
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(groans angrily)

131
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,530
<i>Don't worry, Homer.</i>

132
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<i>Nothing fixes bad times</i>
<i>like good food.</i>

133
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<i>Also, I died.</i>

134
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Hmm.

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(groaning angrily)

136
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(sniffing)
Huh?

137
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Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

138
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I can't believe <i>you</i> cooked this.

139
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Well, the secret to barbecue

140
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is sitting around doing nothing.

141
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No wonder I'm great at it.

142
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Mmm... smoky carrot.

143
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And, Maggie, this is for you.

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(squeals)

145
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Come on, just one bite.

146
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-Nah-uh!
-Uh-huh.

147
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-Never!
-Ever.

148
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-Forget it.
-Remember it.

149
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:41,901
-No way, Jose!
<i>-Sí way, Josefina.</i>

150
00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:44,153
-Nothin' doing.
-Everythin' undoing.

151
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,155
Oh, fine! One bite.

152
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(gasps)
Ooh!

153
00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:51,577
(laughing excitedly)

154
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Homie,
I finally understand gluttony.

155
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Welcome to America, baby.

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(all chewing loudly)

157
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(barking)

158
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Sorry for dropping by,

159
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,018
but we smelled your barbecue
and couldn't resist.

160
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Here's some Carl-slaw to go with it.

161
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I call it "Carl-slaw,"
because <i>I</i> bought it.

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(grunting)

163
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{\an8}(excited chattering)

164
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,867
{\an8}Look how popular we are.

165
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:34,412
{\an8}That smoker is the best thing
that ever happened to us.

166
00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:37,081
{\an8}Thank goodness
for your selfish choices.

167
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{\an8}I make them all for you.

168
00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:41,752
-(tires screeching)
-(people exclaiming)

169
00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:43,504
(excited chattering)

170
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:47,258
{\an8}Yeah, I'm looking for a barbecue bozo
name of Homer Simpson?

171
00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:50,928
{\an8}Whoa, that's Chew Network's
celebrity chef, Scotty Boom!

172
00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:53,055
{\an8}He's the host of <i>Side Dish Impossible,</i>

173
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:56,559
{\an8}<i>Master Prison Chef</i>
and <i>Kill It, Chill It, Grill It.</i>

174
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:57,768
{\an8}Yeah, how you doing, everybody?

175
00:07:57,852 --> 00:07:59,270
{\an8}I'm Scotty Boom,

176
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,397
{\an8}and I'm challenging you to an Eat-down!

177
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,566
{\an8}What's that--
some kind of eat-down?

178
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:05,276
{\an8}It's my new show where I use

179
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{\an8}my big-time New York City chef skills

180
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{\an8}to obliterate amateur cooks.

181
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:12,742
{\an8}Who would watch such a one-sided farce?

182
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:13,993
{\an8}I'm in.

183
00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:15,661
{\an8}This Eat-down's gonna throw down

184
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:17,788
{\an8}at the Springfield Barbecue Festival.

185
00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:21,417
{\an8}And when I'm done, you're gonna
wish you never heard of food!

186
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,753
-(people oohing)
-Buy my cookware!

187
00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:26,672
(gasps)
I'm competing against Scotty Boom!

188
00:08:26,756 --> 00:08:29,342
He's got what all great chefs have--

189
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:30,843
yelling.

190
00:08:30,927 --> 00:08:33,846
ALL:
(chanting) Homer! Homer! Homer!

191
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,266
You were right, greasy hobo.

192
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:40,603
Nothing fixes bad times like good food.

193
00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,104
<i>Up here, I can watch</i>

194
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:46,025
<i>anyone in the world take a shower.</i>

195
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,528
(grunting)

196
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,196
Okay, pork, I'm gonna throw you

197
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,114
in that magic smoker for 24 hours

198
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,950
and win that cook-off.

199
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,744
I only wish you could be alive to see it.

200
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,204
(British accent)
Then I suppose

201
00:08:58,287 --> 00:09:00,248
this is my last chance to say

202
00:09:00,331 --> 00:09:01,666
I love you.

203
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,167
Aw...

204
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,835
(gasps)

205
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,588
Oh, no!

206
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,382
Our smoker's been stolen!

207
00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:10,883
Why?!

208
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,177
And when?!

209
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:15,638
<i>You didn't lock it up?</i>

210
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:17,390
<i>You fat idiot!</i>

211
00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:18,849
<i>I'm out of here.</i>

212
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,852
(groans)

213
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:27,733
(moans)
You'll find the Hive, right?

214
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,777
Tell me you'll find my smoker!

215
00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:31,028
Ah, don't you worry.

216
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,239
The Springfield PD is on the case.

217
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:34,991
Ah, yeah.

218
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:36,826
Uh, well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

219
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:39,495
High-end barbeques like yours
are easy pickings.

220
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,998
Smokeheads grab them at night,
clean them up.

221
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:45,334
Next thing you know,
it's cooking another family's hot dogs.

222
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,336
Humanity-- what a joke.

223
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,588
(spits)

224
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:49,755
So, it's gone.

225
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,674
It's really gone.

226
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,051
All that's left
is the smell of burning hickory

227
00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:56,679
and four tiny little wheel prints.

228
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:59,348
Good night, sweet prints.

229
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,361
So you lost your grill.

230
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,280
Snap out of it, you big fat baby.

231
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,365
Son, this is so much more

232
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,451
than just losing
an outdoor cooking device.

233
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:20,494
How to explain this to a child?

234
00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,872
This is the death of hope.

235
00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,124
What are you talking about?

236
00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:27,043
Everything good
that comes into our lives,

237
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,045
the universe takes away.

238
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:31,547
So from now on,
I'm just gonna lie here

239
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,507
and never care again.

240
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:35,718
Come on, you know your life sucks.

241
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:37,219
Just get drunk like you always do.

242
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:38,679
I don't want to.

243
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:39,930
(gasps)

244
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,558
(moans)

245
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,893
Look at him.

246
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:46,896
He's lying there like a beached whale
waiting to explode.

247
00:10:46,979 --> 00:10:49,106
Maybe we should try
to track down that smoker.

248
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:50,358
I don't know.

249
00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:52,735
The whole barbequing scene
is pretty pro-meat.

250
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,279
And all that smoke
pollutes the environment.

251
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:57,573
This isn't about your boyfriend,
the planet.

252
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,992
I've never seen him this beaten down.

253
00:11:01,952 --> 00:11:03,204
Okay, look for clues.

254
00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,039
Are there any mud samples we can trace

255
00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:07,375
to local heaths and moors?

256
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,585
Sorry. I've been watching
a lot of <i>Sherlock.</i>

257
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,045
(barking)

258
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:12,254
Knock it off, boy.

259
00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,589
I don't have any meat for you.

260
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,341
-Get down!
-Wait!

261
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:17,259
Santa's Little Helper
was in the yard last night

262
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:20,429
when the smoker was stolen,
but he didn't make a peep.

263
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,555
Why?

264
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,809
(gasps)

265
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:26,560
Natural peanut butter?

266
00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:29,271
What if someone gave this to the dog

267
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,023
so he'd be licking instead of barking

268
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,525
while they took the smoker?!

269
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,610
(gasps)
You got a clue, boy!

270
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,487
A clue! (laughs)

271
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:37,780
Who's a smart dog?

272
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:40,032
Who's a smart dog?

273
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,660
(panting)

274
00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:44,328
(barking)

275
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:45,913
(panting)

276
00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,123
{\an8}<i>-(bell clangs)</i>
<i>-ANNOUNCER: You're watching</i>

277
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,250
{\an8}Eat-down <i>with Scotty Boom.</i>

278
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:50,710
Come on, Homie.

279
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:54,046
We can't let this Empire State jabroni
beat us.

280
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:57,216
{\an8}This week I took on the Gilbert family
of Portland, Maine.

281
00:11:57,299 --> 00:11:59,552
{\an8}They've been making clam chowder
for generations.

282
00:11:59,635 --> 00:12:02,555
{\an8}How is that better than something
I spent a day on?

283
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:04,223
{\an8}I win!

284
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:06,434
{\an8}Manhattan chowder, baby!

285
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,352
{\an8}NYC!

286
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:10,563
{\an8}Greatest city, greatest chowder!

287
00:12:10,646 --> 00:12:14,024
{\an8}The Gilbert family
has learned a valuable lesson--

288
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,527
{\an8}screw everything.

289
00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:19,530
Dad, we're gonna find that smoker!

290
00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:22,283
To try is to fail!

291
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:23,909
There's only one store in town

292
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,245
that sells all-natural peanut butter.

293
00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:28,497
(bell dings)

294
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,881
Don't worry,
I know how to talk to these people.

295
00:12:36,964 --> 00:12:39,383
Thank goodness you have organic fennel.

296
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:43,345
The fennel at the farmer's market
is only transitional.

297
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,014
(groans)
Typical.

298
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:48,100
Small farmers ruining it
for the really small farmers.

299
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,186
So, could you maybe tell me

300
00:12:50,269 --> 00:12:52,605
who bought this brand of peanut butter?

301
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:54,231
Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

302
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:56,442
You want me to violate
my customers' privacy?

303
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:57,985
Who are you working for?

304
00:12:58,068 --> 00:12:59,737
The NSA? Big pharma?

305
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,280
Amazon Prime?

306
00:13:01,363 --> 00:13:03,699
Tell us! Tell us!
Tell us! Tell us!

307
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:04,950
(moans)

308
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:06,202
-My hoops!
-(grunting)

309
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:08,704
My ridiculous flesh hoops!

310
00:13:10,289 --> 00:13:11,582
There!

311
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,209
Someone's ringing up peanut butter.

312
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:15,377
(both gasp)
Nelson!

313
00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:18,964
What are you playing there,
Nelson?

314
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,257
<i>Clash of Castles?</i>

315
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:21,550
So what if it is?

316
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,219
Your castle's pretty well-defended.

317
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:24,261
Level six catapults.

318
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:25,888
Level seven sorcerers.

319
00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:28,766
Maxed-out trolls.
(whistles)

320
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:30,935
Uh, yeah, well.
(clears throat)

321
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:32,228
Yeah, gets the job done.

322
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:35,064
I tell you,
those are some nice upgrades.

323
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:36,899
Expensive upgrades.

324
00:13:36,982 --> 00:13:39,401
Upgrades like that cost gems.

325
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,445
And gems cost cash.

326
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,489
Expensive cash.

327
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:44,907
Where'd you get the cash, Nelson?

328
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,450
I don't use gems!

329
00:13:46,534 --> 00:13:48,494
I'm a grinder! A grinder!

330
00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:49,995
(grunts)

331
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,164
(yelling)

332
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:53,916
(both moaning)

333
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:56,001
(moaning continues)

334
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:03,592
(gasps)

335
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:04,760
(whimpering)

336
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,470
(both scream)

337
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,389
What are they?

338
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:10,432
They're like televisions...

339
00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,726
but they just keep going!

340
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,603
He's meeting with someone.

341
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,730
That's always a sign of guilt.

342
00:14:21,986 --> 00:14:22,945
Hope you don't mind.

343
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:24,238
I cooked some dinner on it.

344
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:27,992
Mmm. (sniffs)

345
00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:30,828
Ah, smell you later.

346
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:35,791
("Take the A Train"
by Duke Ellington ringtone plays)

347
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,167
(phone beeps)

348
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,670
This is our chance.

349
00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:41,672
BOTH:
Hot! Hot!

350
00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:43,132
Hot!

351
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:44,675
Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

352
00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:46,218
Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

353
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,469
(gasps)

354
00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:51,015
(tires squealing)

355
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,683
(crickets chirping)

356
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:54,727
(groans)

357
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:55,811
(both groan)

358
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,688
The universe does hate us.

359
00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,982
It feels good to surrender.

360
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:01,817
(all groan)

361
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,485
Good girl, Maggie.

362
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,487
Give up young.

363
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:08,073
(panting, barking)

364
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:15,164
(all groaning)

365
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,832
Get up off that floor!

366
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,834
We are on a head-to-head cook-off

367
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,421
that'll be shown on TV
and probably some planes.

368
00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:24,423
We don't have the smoker.

369
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:26,926
Just let us forfeit with dignity.

370
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,802
We still have to try.

371
00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:31,096
This isn't a family of quitters.

372
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,348
Sure we are.

373
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:34,683
We always have been
and more so now.

374
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,352
I'm a quitter.

375
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:37,853
And I'll back down to anyone
who says I'm not.

376
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,606
Come on, Buddhists aren't quitters.

377
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:44,360
Actually, Mom, Buddhism is really
just quitting in yoga pants.

378
00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:47,196
This is a Live Strong bracelet.

379
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:49,281
Lance Armstrong never quit.

380
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:50,991
He never quit the Tour de France.

381
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,535
He never quit lying about his steroid use.

382
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,955
And he still hasn't totally come clean.

383
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:57,873
Now get in the car!

384
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,208
{\an8}(lively chatter)

385
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:02,294
-MOE: Eat-down! Eat-down! Eat-down!
-Yee-haw!

386
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:06,465
I can handle
this barbeque competition.

387
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:10,135
All I need is a little help
from an old friend.

388
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,428
(whip cracks)

389
00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:13,806
{\an8}I'm Alton Brown,

390
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:15,975
{\an8}and welcome to <i>Eat-down!</i>

391
00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:18,936
{\an8}Today Scotty Boom
takes on the Simpsons in...

392
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:21,397
{\an8}-(bell clanging)
-"Barbeque Battle."

393
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,649
{\an8}And I can tell you this--
it will be edited

394
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:26,110
{\an8}to be dramatic.

395
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,112
{\an8}Marge, do you think your meat

396
00:16:28,195 --> 00:16:30,155
{\an8}has what it takes
to win this Eat-down?

397
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,824
{\an8}It sure does.

398
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,575
{\an8}Homer, what about you?

399
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:34,952
{\an8}No way in hell.

400
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:36,453
{\an8}What about you kids?

401
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:38,122
{\an8}Are you pumped up
to beat Scotty Boom?

402
00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:39,748
{\an8}Happiness is an illusion.

403
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,251
{\an8}What she said.

404
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,254
{\an8}Looks like the Simpsons are playing
mind games with you, Scotty.

405
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,172
{\an8}Are you feeling the pressure?

406
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,424
{\an8}No pressure.

407
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,634
{\an8}I'm throwing down
<i>the</i> taste of New York.

408
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:54,096
{\an8}My recipe's infused with Times Square,
the Bronx Zoo,

409
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,348
{\an8}and the <i>Sex and the City</i> walking tour.

410
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,183
{\an8}The Simpsons better bring their A game.

411
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:00,352
{\an8}HOMER:
F! F game!

412
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:05,107
{\an8}I call this
my Never-Give-Up Brisket.

413
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:08,944
{\an8}The secret ingredient is hope.

414
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,946
{\an8}Mm?

415
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,156
{\an8}(spits)

416
00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,366
{\an8}How many spices did you put in this?

417
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:15,868
{\an8}All of them.

418
00:17:15,951 --> 00:17:17,953
(all groaning)

419
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:23,250
{\an8}(audience oohing)

420
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:26,253
{\an8}I've never seen
such unusual grill marks.

421
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:29,173
{\an8}This pattern looks like a honeycomb.

422
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:30,424
What?

423
00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:32,634
{\an8}That meat was cooked
on the Hive!

424
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:36,305
{\an8}This garlic-sucking tunnel trash
stole our smoker!

425
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,098
{\an8}Ah, this little flyover's crazy.

426
00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:41,518
{\an8}I cooked that meat myself
right here over here.

427
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:45,856
{\an8}The grill marks don't match.

428
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:48,442
{\an8}Dead meat doesn't lie.

429
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:50,027
{\an8}(audience gasping)

430
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,278
{\an8}(gasping)

431
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:55,032
{\an8}Scotty Boom, you are hereby banned
from the Chew Network.

432
00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:57,659
{\an8}You are no longer a celebrity chef.

433
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,495
{\an8}You're just a chef.

434
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:00,871
{\an8}Take him away, Chief.

435
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,539
{\an8}Grand theft smoker.

436
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,249
{\an8}Sounds like a crime to me.

437
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,005
{\an8}Apparently,
the winner of the Eat-down

438
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,007
{\an8}is the Simpsons.

439
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,926
{\an8}(cheering)

440
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:15,928
Isn't this a little too easy?

441
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:18,680
Why would a professional chef cheat?

442
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,599
And how does Nelson fit in?

443
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:22,810
And where the heck is our smoker?

444
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:25,604
("Take the A Train"
by Duke Ellington ringtone plays)

445
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:27,064
(phone beeps)

446
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:30,442
That's the ringtone from the scrap yard!

447
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:31,777
LISA:
Get him!

448
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:37,533
Bones! Bones!

449
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,368
I'm covered in death!

450
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:40,619
(gasps)

451
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,623
My hoops!

452
00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:46,125
Dad, stop him!

453
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:47,960
I'm done trying.

454
00:18:48,043 --> 00:18:50,212
Dad, please!
No one's asking you to care.

455
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:51,880
Just trip a stranger!

456
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,966
(grumbles)

457
00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:06,311
A kid?
Why'd you steal our smoker?

458
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:08,230
Why'd you frame Scotty Boom?

459
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,065
'Cause he's my dad.

460
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,526
-I'm Tyler Boom.
-Huh?

461
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:15,988
My dad is so busy
shooting his TV shows

462
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:19,658
and going to the openings
and closings of his restaurants...

463
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,410
I never see him.

464
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:23,745
You destroyed your dad's career

465
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,914
so he'd spend more time with you?

466
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,332
Aw...

467
00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:28,667
I met this kid Nelson

468
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,836
<i>playing</i> Clash of Castles<i> online.</i>

469
00:19:30,919 --> 00:19:33,463
<i>You know, I knew my dad</i>
<i>was coming to your town,</i>

470
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,341
<i>so I hired Nelson to take your smoker.</i>

471
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:38,802
<i>And then my nanny</i>
<i>cooked some meat on it</i>

472
00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,431
<i>and switched it</i>
<i>so it looked like my dad cheated.</i>

473
00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,766
This was the only way.

474
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:47,269
The only way I thought of.

475
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:50,189
Son, why didn't you tell me
I was a terrible father?

476
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,607
Because I'm from New York.

477
00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:53,734
We don't talk about our feelings, huh?

478
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:56,695
Yeah, I understand, son.
I'm from New York, too.

479
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:57,988
FDR Drive.

480
00:19:58,071 --> 00:19:59,865
The West Side Highway.

481
00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:01,116
Investment banking.

482
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,826
The gallery scene.

483
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,119
Knicks suck.

484
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,829
(crying)
Oh, Papa!

485
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,664
They suck so hard!

486
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,124
One more thing, Tyler.

487
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,001
Where's the Hive?

488
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:12,419
(gasping)

489
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:15,547
Oh...

490
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:19,968
(sizzling)

491
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:23,263
You're always so much hotter
than I think you're gonna be.

492
00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:26,308
Thanks, guys, for not giving up,
then giving up,

493
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,560
then not giving up again,

494
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:30,938
then I forget.

495
00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:32,648
<i>Barbecue is like family--</i>

496
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:35,359
<i>the cheap cuts of meat</i>
<i>that nobody wants.</i>

497
00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:36,693
<i>But if you treat them right,</i>

498
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:39,613
<i>they turn into</i>
<i>the best thing in the world.</i>

499
00:20:39,696 --> 00:20:42,115
Yeah, barbecue's yummy.

500
00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:44,284
<i>Chinese is pretty good, too.</i>

501
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:45,994
Meh, depends on the place.

502
00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:00,342
{\an8}<i>♪ From the dusty mesa ♪</i>

503
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:04,346
{\an8}<i>♪ Her looming shadow grows ♪</i>

504
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:08,517
{\an8}<i>♪ Hidden in the branches ♪</i>

505
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:12,104
{\an8}<i>♪ Of the poison creosote ♪</i>

506
00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:18,527
{\an8}<i>♪ She twines her spines up slowly ♪</i>

507
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:22,155
{\an8}<i>♪ Towards the boiling sun ♪</i>

508
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:26,159
{\an8}<i>♪ And when I touched her skin ♪</i>

509
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:30,455
{\an8}<i>♪ My fingers ran with blood ♪</i>

510
00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,172
{\an8}<i>PIT MASTER:</i>
<i>I'm out of here.</i>

511
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:45,012
{\an8}Subtitled by Jimmy Boots