1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,297 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:09,342 D'oh! 3 00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:10,510 (tires screeching) 4 00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:12,178 (grunts) 5 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,848 ♪ ♪ 6 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:25,942 HOMER: D'oh! 7 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,028 ♪ ♪ 8 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:42,625 ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪ 9 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,795 ♪ I'll win at cards tonight ♪ 10 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,089 ♪ My flushes will be ♪ 11 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:52,010 ♪ Straight tonight ♪ 12 00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:56,014 ♪ Lenny's gonna dominate tonight ♪ 13 00:00:56,097 --> 00:00:59,225 ♪ Carl's gonna be a little late tonight ♪ 14 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,811 ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪ 15 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:05,231 ♪ I'll cheat them all tonight ♪ 16 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,649 ♪ When they're drunk ♪ 17 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:11,863 ♪ They don't play cards quite right ♪ 18 00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:14,908 -♪ Tonight, tonight ♪ -(bottle shatters) 19 00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:18,161 ♪ I won't get drunk tonight ♪ 20 00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:21,498 ♪ Without a beer, my head will clear ♪ 21 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:25,043 ♪ Tonight ♪ 22 00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:27,837 {\an8}♪ It's fun to trick a rummy ♪ 23 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:31,341 {\an8}♪ To put liquor in his tummy ♪ 24 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,427 ♪ Your friendship's a delight ♪ 25 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:37,680 ♪ And you may lose your sight ♪ 26 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,182 ALL: ♪ Tonight ♪ 27 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,184 (burps) 28 00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:44,646 ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪ 29 00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:47,357 ♪ Band camp calls tonight ♪ 30 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:50,693 ♪ My demo goes online ♪ 31 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:54,114 ♪ Tonight ♪ 32 00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:56,991 ♪ ♪ 33 00:02:07,293 --> 00:02:10,171 ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪ 34 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,550 ♪ My dreams come true tonight ♪ 35 00:02:13,633 --> 00:02:16,719 -LISA: ♪ Deposit's due tonight ♪ -HOMER: ♪ I'll take the pot tonight ♪ 36 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,471 ALL: ♪ Tonight! ♪ 37 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,226 {\an8}Moe, what the hell is that?! 38 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:25,019 Sorry. I missed rehearsal. 39 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,480 MOE: Damn it. 40 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:29,566 {\an8}Marge, I'm heading out! Poker night! 41 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,736 {\an8}I don't want you losing all our scrimpings! 42 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,113 {\an8}Don't worry, Marge. 43 00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:37,448 {\an8}The real excitement for me is staying within a budget. 44 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:38,741 {\an8}(snickers) 45 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,161 {\an8}This is just a friendly game, right? 46 00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,663 {\an8}Oh, super friendly. 47 00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:45,081 Suckers. 48 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,624 Dad, Dad, Dad. 49 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:49,502 {\an8}I need two things: a good-night hug and a favor. 50 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,254 {\an8}-Mm. -To save time, 51 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:52,797 {\an8}I'll start describing the favor. 52 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:55,091 {\an8}I've just been accepted to the best band camp 53 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,218 {\an8}this side of the Mississippi! 54 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:58,720 {\an8}Which side are we again? 55 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,889 {\an8}Doesn't matter! It's a great camp. 56 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,391 {\an8}Notable graduates include Pete Barbutti. 57 00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:04,642 {\an8}Pete Barbutti?! 58 00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:06,603 {\an8}Yes! Anyway, it's a little pricey. 59 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,438 {\an8}So, if you win big tonight, 60 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:11,733 {\an8}maybe you could help make a little girl really happy. 61 00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:13,484 {\an8}Don't worry, sweetie, I'm gonna win. 62 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:15,987 {\an8}And you know why? 63 00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:18,948 {\an8}I'm wearing my lucky T-shirt. 64 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,159 {\an8}(sighs) It was such a shame 65 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:23,828 {\an8}he lost to President Garfield. 66 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,874 {\an8}Oh, I'll fix this. 67 00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:30,960 {\an8}There. 68 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,337 {\an8}(hums a tune) 69 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:36,049 {\an8}The maestro is here. 70 00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:38,301 {\an8}-(screams) -(crashes) 71 00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,470 {\an8}-Hey, who's the lady? -What, are you kidding? 72 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:42,931 {\an8}This is Laney Fontaine, Broadway legend. 73 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,682 {\an8}She starred opposite Al Pacino 74 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,643 {\an8}in Does a Tiger Wear A Necktie? 75 00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:47,602 {\an8}Ooh! 76 00:03:47,685 --> 00:03:48,978 {\an8}Now I date Moe. 77 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,980 {\an8}He's got everything I look for in a man: 78 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,815 {\an8}a current liquor license. 79 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,651 {\an8}(chuckles) Well, it and you 80 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,904 {\an8}are the two most precious wrinkled yellow things I know. 81 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,782 {\an8}♪ ♪ 82 00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:08,665 {\an8}WOMAN (over headphones): Three of a kind beats two pair. 83 00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:10,375 {\an8}Straight beats three of a kind. 84 00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:12,001 {\an8}Three beats two. 85 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,419 {\an8}Four beats three. 86 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:14,587 {\an8}(dog howling) 87 00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:20,301 {\an8}HOMER: Oh, my God. 88 00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:22,762 {\an8}Full house. 89 00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:26,140 {\an8}We're gonna win! That means Lisa goes to band camp. 90 00:04:26,224 --> 00:04:28,184 {\an8}As long as Homer doesn't let them know 91 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,395 {\an8}how good his hand is. 92 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,855 {\an8}Then he'll blow the whole damn thing to hell! 93 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,524 {\an8}That would be terrible. 94 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:37,652 {\an8}Worst jammed-in movie parody ever. 95 00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:39,988 {\an8}Come on, Homer. Poker face. 96 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:44,367 {\an8}Aah! Stupid git! 97 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,995 {\an8}I raise, no calls, pot goes to me. 98 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,830 {\an8}Hold on, Fat Folds Five. 99 00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,039 {\an8}(stammers) 100 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,875 {\an8}I see your raise, and I raise this. 101 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,920 Is that real? 102 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,505 Won it for cinematography. 103 00:04:57,588 --> 00:05:00,633 Invented a new kind of Steadicam that's mounted on a dog. 104 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,927 That's five grand to you. 105 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,888 So, are you in, or are you... 106 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,557 (groans) 107 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,476 While I'm out, no one look at my cards or my boobs. 108 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:11,811 (groans) 109 00:05:11,894 --> 00:05:14,397 Aw. Don't she black out like an angel? 110 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,232 Queens beat jacks. 111 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,734 No one heard that. I'm in. 112 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:20,069 (hums a tune) 113 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:27,327 Okay, Homer. Moment of truth. 114 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,915 Oh, four of a kind! Hey, honey, you won! 115 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,000 Huh? 116 00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:35,418 I lost. 117 00:05:35,501 --> 00:05:37,837 I lost everything. 118 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,797 We're gonna celebrate, Moe. 119 00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:42,967 -What's Springfield's version of Sardi's? -Uh, Hardee's. 120 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:46,596 I know a nice booth under a picture of a hamburger. Heh. 121 00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:49,098 Aw, come on, Homer. I'll drive you home. 122 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:51,059 (imitates engine revving) 123 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:52,852 Hey, off we go! 124 00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:55,021 Vroom, vroom, vroom. 125 00:05:55,104 --> 00:05:56,272 (imitates engine chugging) 126 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,940 (door closes) 127 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,526 WOMAN: You've completed Poker: A Beginner's Guide. 128 00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:03,363 Now go out there and win. 129 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,448 I bid two bucks. 130 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:17,210 (floor creaking softly) 131 00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:24,050 -(belt cracks) -(gasps) What was that? 132 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:27,512 Those aren't the tiptoes of a successful gambler. 133 00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:29,430 How much did you lose? 134 00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:30,807 $5,000. 135 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:31,974 (high-pitched chirping) 136 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,684 Whoa, I never heard that noise. 137 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:35,603 (sobbing) 138 00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:36,979 (Marge continues sobbing) 139 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:41,192 I'm just sayin', doesn't look like band camp is in the cards. 140 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,779 (playing jazz) 141 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,950 Hey, this is my thing now. 142 00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:52,954 So easy. 143 00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:54,580 Guys, I need help with a plan. 144 00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,374 Hey, what about a reverse mortgage? 145 00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:59,168 I saw a commercial for one where an old lady gave a thumbs-up 146 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,921 and it turned into money, which filled up the screen. 147 00:07:02,004 --> 00:07:03,297 The entire screen? 148 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,882 Swear to God. 149 00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:07,885 Hey, Homer, here's a thought: invite Laney over for dinner. 150 00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:11,013 Show her your crummy home, your unhappy kids. 151 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,015 Anyone with a heart would take pity. 152 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:15,101 Finally, my sucky life pays off. 153 00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:16,727 Do you guys think she'll buy it? 154 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:19,605 Oh, yeah. Your whole house, uh, it smells like a basement. 155 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,357 I've always hated your rugs. 156 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:23,860 Yeah... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why you have to go there, man? 157 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,445 He has such beautiful floors. 158 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,613 Why must he hide them? Why? 159 00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,948 LANEY: There I am, 160 00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,783 on the main stage at Caesar's, 161 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,577 about to sing "Do You Love Me," 162 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:35,204 when who do I see sitting in the wings? 163 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,039 Your boyfriend King Tut? 164 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:38,916 No. Jack Jones. 165 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,793 High on his success from "Wives and Lovers" 166 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,713 with eyes for yours truly. 167 00:07:43,796 --> 00:07:47,133 But you'd just accepted a proposal from Mike Connors. 168 00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:48,718 Which I broke off. 169 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:51,262 Let's just say Mannix was the one man 170 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,097 I had to nix. 171 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:55,099 (laughs) Oh! 172 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,726 Oh, that's rich! 173 00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:57,768 Oh, my God. 174 00:07:57,852 --> 00:07:58,978 That's going in your book. 175 00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:00,605 Please tell me you're writing a book. 176 00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:02,565 (choking) 177 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:03,983 (grunts) Sit down, boy. 178 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,401 We're trying to show this dame 179 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,986 that we're deserving of her pity. 180 00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:08,321 Where's that crutch I gave you? 181 00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,072 There's nothing wrong with my leg. 182 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,157 There will be. 183 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,325 D'oh! 184 00:08:12,408 --> 00:08:14,702 Ow! Ow, my leg! 185 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:19,332 (sobbing) Oh! Oh, my leg. 186 00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:20,917 Oh! 187 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,921 Who would take $5,000 from such a miserable creature? 188 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:27,507 (sobbing) 189 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:30,134 Laney, I know it's your night off, 190 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,553 but would you like to sing a song for us? 191 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:34,639 You don't have to ask me twice. 192 00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:39,310 ♪ I'm just a Broadway lady ♪ 193 00:08:40,978 --> 00:08:44,482 ♪ Dancing on my aching feet ♪ 194 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:50,154 ♪ Avoiding any foods with wheat ♪ 195 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:54,325 ♪ And no drinking pre-show ♪ 196 00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:56,035 It's okay if the producer don't... 197 00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:59,372 ♪ Know ♪ 198 00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:01,541 (playing jazz) 199 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,381 Wow. You know your way around a horn, kid. 200 00:09:08,464 --> 00:09:10,132 Oh, listen, I don't want to gush, 201 00:09:10,216 --> 00:09:11,842 but I have all your albums-- 202 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,135 Laney Sings The Blues, 203 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,637 Electric Laney Land, 204 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,138 Laney Butchers The Beatles. 205 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,807 Ooh, and my favorite, 206 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:20,601 Rehab Yourself A Merry Little Christmas. 207 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,061 I'll tell you what, Marge. 208 00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:24,855 I'll wipe the slate clean on one condition. 209 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,440 I want you to give Lisa to me. 210 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:27,858 (grumbles) 211 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,777 Uh, for a month or so. 212 00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:34,782 I see. 213 00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:38,119 Get out. I never want to see you again. 214 00:09:38,202 --> 00:09:39,287 Let me explain. 215 00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:41,539 Listen, lady, you can't take a daughter 216 00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:43,749 from a mother unless you're a bigger star 217 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,168 and this is a third-world country. 218 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:50,256 Marge, I know this sounds nuts, but I never had the joy you have. 219 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:52,592 A child to hug me at the end of the day 220 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:55,177 or-or a chance to pass along what I know. 221 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,681 I'm going out on tour, and she's got all the makings of a star: 222 00:09:58,764 --> 00:10:01,434 talent, smarts, and a star-shaped head. 223 00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:03,394 Perhaps you didn't hear me. 224 00:10:03,477 --> 00:10:05,771 Here's your coat. 225 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,148 Mom, Mom. 226 00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:10,693 Mom, please. You were gonna let me go to band camp for a month, 227 00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:13,738 where people break curfew and exchange reeds. 228 00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:17,408 But this? This is the opportunity to live my dream. 229 00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:20,703 Come on, how many chances in life do you get for that? 230 00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,413 None! 231 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:24,749 I've been here. I've just been quiet. 232 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,293 ♪ ♪ 233 00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:34,884 (sighs) I guess I can't deny you this. 234 00:10:34,967 --> 00:10:36,218 -All right. -(gasps) 235 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,928 Oh, thanks, Mom! 236 00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:40,931 And, Mom, if you have any doubts how a showbiz kid will turn out, 237 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,475 just look at all of them! 238 00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,060 (groans) 239 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,729 (tires screech) 240 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,731 Mom, I appreciate this so much. 241 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,525 You'll be the first person I thank at the Tonys 242 00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,569 after the great Angela Lansbury. 243 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,071 Bye. 244 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:56,781 (smoke hisses) 245 00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:58,407 (tires screech) 246 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,080 (tires screech) 247 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:08,668 Good night, kid. 248 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:11,128 Would you read to me before I go to bed? 249 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:13,089 Anne of Green Gables? 250 00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:15,174 I did the audiobook on this. 251 00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,885 If chapter ten sounds like it was Peter Falk, 252 00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:19,470 it's because it was. 253 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:22,431 So I guess you don't want to read it again. 254 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,892 How 'bout I give you some showbiz advice? 255 00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:27,436 Every piece of advice someone gives you 256 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,647 will turn out to be wrong. 257 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,858 Particularly wrong are people like me, who seem knowledgeable. 258 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,902 Aw, she's already out. 259 00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,155 (phone rings) 260 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,199 MOE: You watching Channel Six right now? 261 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:41,659 Hurry up! Hurry up! Aw! 262 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:43,786 Nah, too late. The cops cleaned it up. 263 00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:45,788 (piano playing) 264 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:48,874 Chazz Busby. My director. 265 00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,627 The man who's ruined more productions than flu season. 266 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,838 Laney! My star, my muse, 267 00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:55,798 my God, what have you done to your face? 268 00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,258 (laughing) 269 00:11:57,341 --> 00:11:58,759 Who's the lampshade? 270 00:11:58,843 --> 00:11:59,969 This is Lisa Simpson, 271 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:02,471 the sax prodigy who's gonna blow life into my act. 272 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,639 Show him, kid. 273 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,057 (plays three notes) 274 00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:07,143 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I wanted an audition, 275 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:08,978 not a recital. You're in, kid. 276 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,730 I made it in Hartford. 277 00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:17,194 -Are you sure you set it up right? -Yes! 278 00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,363 Then why aren't we Skyping? 279 00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,532 I don't know. Maybe Lisa's drugged-out. 280 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,909 My daughter is not drugged-out. 281 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,829 Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discotheques. 282 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:29,457 How do you know about all-night discotheques? 283 00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:31,917 We have Disco Stu in this town, Mom. 284 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,003 He's a resource. Use him. 285 00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:35,671 (Skype ringtone plays) 286 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,007 How are you, sweetie? 287 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:39,592 (gravelly) I'm good, I'm good. 288 00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,135 What happened to your voice? 289 00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:42,219 I don't know. 290 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:43,888 Late rehearsals, cheap root beer. 291 00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,056 (coughing) 292 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,434 (normal voice) But I'm great! We're heading to New York! 293 00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:50,644 (blows) 294 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:51,896 Who's watching you? 295 00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,189 Sonny and Stix. 296 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,524 (playing mellow jazz) 297 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,359 Do I hear syncopation? 298 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,570 Lisa, Lisa, I was thinking maybe you could 299 00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:01,572 come home a little early and... 300 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:03,699 I'm sorry. I got to go. Our take five is over, 301 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,368 and jazz is all about following the rules, you know. 302 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,871 Come on, guys. Don't I get a puff? 303 00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,289 (gasps) 304 00:13:11,707 --> 00:13:13,459 I really have the munchies. 305 00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:14,710 (crunching) 306 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,170 Bye! 307 00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:18,005 We've got to get her back. 308 00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:20,424 Pack your things. We're heading for New York. 309 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:23,177 We should get a place there. We go so often. 310 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,475 ♪ ♪ 311 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,943 I can't believe I'm gonna be performing here. 312 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:40,986 (dramatic music playing) 313 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:49,453 I already got my ticket! 314 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:51,539 LISA: (nervously) Ah, so many seats. 315 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,457 -(car sputtering) -Damn it! 316 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,084 Lousy electric car. 317 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,628 Dad, just 'cause it got hit by lightning that time 318 00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,171 doesn't make it electric. 319 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,632 Shut up, boy. 320 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,514 How may I help thee, friends? 321 00:14:08,597 --> 00:14:11,559 Our car... broketh down. 322 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,978 (gasps) Springfield Englisher accent? 323 00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:18,065 You must know my ultra-liberal cousin Ned Flanders. 324 00:14:18,148 --> 00:14:20,609 Oh, he's brought such shame to our family 325 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,070 with his lip hair and two marriages. 326 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:26,532 And do you know he's left-handed? 327 00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:28,617 {\an8}(speaks foreign language) 328 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,619 (wheels creaking) 329 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,291 Um, can I please use the, uh, 330 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,876 little bearded boys' room? 331 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,043 (horse neighs) 332 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:40,296 ♪ ♪ 333 00:14:50,639 --> 00:14:51,807 (humming) 334 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,642 How deep did thou diggest? 335 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,269 30 hands. 336 00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:57,980 With God's grace, it will be enough. 337 00:14:58,063 --> 00:15:01,358 ♪ Don't know why ♪ 338 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,319 ♪ There's no sun up ♪ 339 00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:04,653 ♪ In the... ♪ 340 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:07,323 ♪ In the... in the... ♪ 341 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,867 How about "in the sky"?! The sky! 342 00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,368 You ought to know, sweetheart. 343 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,495 You were there when God created it. 344 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,497 Eh, go shave a coconut. 345 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,207 (gasping) 346 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:19,919 I turned down Transformers on Broadway for this? 347 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,921 I was a Megatron-sized fool! 348 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:25,090 Kristen Chenoweth was set to play Sam Witwicky's mother. 349 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:27,176 This is how mad I am! Fade to black! 350 00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,011 You can't be serious! 351 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:30,721 I said fade! 352 00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:33,182 Everyone, meet me back here in however long it takes 353 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,683 to wake up from five Valium. 354 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:35,976 On the dot! 355 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,519 (horns honking) 356 00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,274 Hey, man, how'd you get that seat? 357 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,693 They thought I was pregnant. 358 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,697 (indistinct chatter) 359 00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:55,371 It's showtime, Laney. Time to see if there's still a spark left 360 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:58,499 in that smoldering Duraflame log you call a career. 361 00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:01,251 Hey, Laney. 362 00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,003 Moe, I need you. 363 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:06,173 To make me feel confident, strong and beautiful. 364 00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,634 Boy, I'm not real good at boosting self-esteem there. 365 00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:11,428 But, uh, if you make a mistake, I can fire my gun. 366 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,555 And that's what the critics will be yappin' about tomorrow. 367 00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:14,598 (chuckles) 368 00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,606 That's not encouragement! 369 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,650 Those are your lyrics! 370 00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:27,569 -(applause, piano playing) -♪ I had a dream ♪ 371 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:31,865 ♪ A dream about you, baby ♪ 372 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:35,828 ♪ It's gonna come true, baby ♪ 373 00:16:35,911 --> 00:16:39,248 ♪ They think that we're through ♪ 374 00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:43,377 ♪ But, baby... ♪ 375 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:48,257 ♪ You'll be swell ♪ 376 00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,175 ♪ You'll be great ♪ 377 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:53,137 ♪ Gonna have the whole world on a... ♪ 378 00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,389 ♪ On a... ♪ 379 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:56,807 Plate! 380 00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:58,017 (crowd cheering) 381 00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,935 Cheering for someone getting a word right. 382 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,520 That is a low bar. 383 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:02,521 (panting) 384 00:17:02,604 --> 00:17:03,814 Four tickets, please. 385 00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:05,691 I'm sorry, ma'am. The show is sold out 386 00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:07,693 for reasons that elude me. 387 00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,194 My daughter's in there. 388 00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:10,612 Eh, we all got our problems. 389 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,741 I'm a ticket seller for a dying art form. 390 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:17,703 Hey, uh, you're a union man, right? 391 00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:19,371 Brother? 392 00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:20,664 Why didn't you say so? 393 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,958 I have no choice now but to be corrupt. 394 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,209 In you go. 395 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:28,297 LANEY: ♪ Everything's gonna be ♪ 396 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,632 ♪ Bright lights and lollipops ♪ 397 00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:32,718 (playing jazz solo) 398 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,973 (crowd cheering) 399 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,017 Come on, let's sneak her out. 400 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,978 Under the guise of soliciting for Broadway Cares. 401 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,105 (coins jingling) 402 00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:47,941 Wait. Wait, Homer. 403 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,694 Look at our little girl. She's got chops. 404 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,905 Honest-to-goodness chops. 405 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:55,741 Yeah. Letting our daughter go on the road 406 00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:58,494 with an 80-year-old diva and some sketchy jazz guys 407 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:01,371 was the best decision we ever made. 408 00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:05,167 ♪ Everything's coming up roses ♪ 409 00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:09,505 ♪ For me and for you! ♪ 410 00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,131 (crowd cheering) 411 00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:13,550 (whoops) 412 00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:22,476 Mom, that was the greatest night of my life! 413 00:18:22,559 --> 00:18:23,644 MILHOUSE: Hey! 414 00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,646 When does the show start? 415 00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:28,148 It did, and it was wonderful. 416 00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:30,734 Eh, she's been bitten by the showbiz bug. 417 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,195 And when that happens, only working with Bruce Willis 418 00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:34,446 can extinguish it. 419 00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:37,741 (giggles) 420 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,202 (sighs) Okay. Just finish out the tour. 421 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,788 We'll see you in Pittsfield. 422 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,419 No way! 423 00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:52,005 Pittsfield ain't happening for this little scene stealer. 424 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:55,092 I love you, Lisa, but you got a bigger ovation than me. 425 00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,511 So we can never share the same stage again. 426 00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:59,596 What? How can you say that? 427 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,598 Showbiz lesson number seven: 428 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,559 just when things are going great, 429 00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,561 they pull the rug out from under you. 430 00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,396 Bad news, Laney. We're shutting down. 431 00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:10,065 Never cleared the rights to "Everything's Coming Up Roses." 432 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,233 See what I mean? 433 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,152 Also, we're gonna need that rug. 434 00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:16,029 -(grunts) -(shouts) 435 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,197 (sniffles) 436 00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,283 Mom, suddenly I really want to go home. 437 00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:21,285 Oh. Mm. 438 00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:24,746 If you go, let me give you one huge piece of advice: 439 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,415 take the Eighth Avenue side, 440 00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,458 then catch a cab and circle back. 441 00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:30,419 And away... I... go! 442 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,380 (scatting) Pow! 443 00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:37,634 Well, Laney, youse, uh... you still got me. 444 00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,636 {\an8}♪ ♪ 445 00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:02,159 ♪ ♪ 446 00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:04,161 See how gaudy his house is? 447 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:06,205 A brass doorknocker? 448 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,290 Who lives here, Caligula? 449 00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:09,750 'Tis troubling. 450 00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:12,419 Cousin Jacob! All the way from Pennsyl-diddly-vania! 451 00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:15,547 I see thou art still using the Devil's "diddly." 452 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,217 Well, I must confess, I-I do over-diddly. 453 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,303 And I see your house is lit by Edison's witch lights. 454 00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:25,182 (chuckles) Who's holier than thou now, Ned? 455 00:20:25,265 --> 00:20:28,352 Homer, you've shown me that I'm guilty of the sin of pride, 456 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:30,854 and that just makes me love you more. 457 00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:33,899 Oh, God, I'm stuck in a Flandwich. 458 00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:35,817 With side orders of love and forgiveness! 459 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,985 D'oh! 460 00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,152 -(murmuring) -Shh! 461 00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:24,950 Subtitled by Jimmy Boots