1 00:00:02,502 --> 00:00:06,214 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,300 FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Well, it's the first Saturday in September, 3 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,803 and that means one thing in Springfield. 4 00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:13,847 It's that time again. 5 00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,974 Opening day of peewee football. 6 00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:17,308 ANNOUNCER (over P.A.): And everybody's headed down 7 00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:19,686 to Child Soldier Field to catch all the action. 8 00:00:19,769 --> 00:00:21,229 It all comes down to this, 9 00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:22,647 the first game of the year, 10 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,315 perfect season on the line. 11 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:26,818 And drunks are being rolled off the field. 12 00:00:26,901 --> 00:00:27,902 Ladies and gentlemen, 13 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:30,155 your Springfield Neutrinos! 14 00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:32,490 (crowd cheering) 15 00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:35,869 {\an8}BART: Huh? 16 00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:36,870 {\an8}NELSON: Where'd everybody go? 17 00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:37,871 {\an8}BART: I can't see. 18 00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:40,707 {\an8}(gasps) They over-fogged the run-in! 19 00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,167 {\an8}They put those kids in danger 20 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:43,793 {\an8}just to psych up the crowd. 21 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,336 {\an8}Yeah, are you psyched up now? 22 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:46,546 {\an8}Huh? Are you?! 23 00:00:46,629 --> 00:00:49,007 {\an8}-(players panicking) -(helmets clonking) 24 00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:51,009 {\an8}Concussions! 25 00:00:51,092 --> 00:00:53,595 {\an8}Concessions! 26 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:56,681 {\an8}-(door dings) -Aah! 27 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,266 {\an8}(anxious chatter) 28 00:00:58,349 --> 00:01:00,852 {\an8}My boy hit his head doing football! 29 00:01:00,935 --> 00:01:02,353 {\an8}I'm a doctor's wife. 30 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,189 {\an8}Save my boy first! 31 00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:06,566 {\an8}My boy needs an MRI! 32 00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:07,567 {\an8}-(clamoring) -Ow! 33 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,861 {\an8}Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 34 00:01:10,945 --> 00:01:12,822 {\an8}With head injury concerns on the mind, 35 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,450 {\an8}the town has shut down its peewee football program. 36 00:01:15,533 --> 00:01:16,868 {\an8}Professor, what danger does this 37 00:01:16,951 --> 00:01:18,870 {\an8}concussion threat truly pose? 38 00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:19,913 {\an8}Uh, well, Kent, 39 00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:21,956 {\an8}these children will need their brains 40 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,959 {\an8}unbruised for the demanding, high-tech jobs 41 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:25,960 {\an8}of the future: 42 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:29,380 {\an8}polishing and buffing our robot masters. 43 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,423 {\an8}Indeed. 44 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:31,674 {\an8}And here to defend youth football, 45 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,760 {\an8}we have... Nelson's dad. 46 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:34,928 {\an8}Are you wearing makeup? 47 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:36,971 {\an8}Is it worth the risk to your son's health 48 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,432 {\an8}when only .1 percent of youth football players 49 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:40,725 {\an8}make it to the pros? 50 00:01:40,809 --> 00:01:42,727 {\an8}You saying my boy doesn't have what it takes 51 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,229 {\an8}to play pro ball? Huh? 52 00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,772 {\an8}Boy, show him your moves. 53 00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:46,940 {\an8}Juke it, juke it! 54 00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:49,150 {\an8}(grunting) 55 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,402 {\an8}Why are you dekeing it when I said juke it? 56 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:52,445 {\an8}Take a lap! 57 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:53,613 {\an8}-Without football, Kent, -(Nelson groans) 58 00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,824 {\an8}how are kids gonna learn character like I did, 59 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,325 {\an8}you stupid fruit-munch? 60 00:01:57,408 --> 00:01:59,702 {\an8}And what is your problem, smart-nuts? 61 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:00,703 {\an8}(grunts) 62 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:02,831 {\an8}Which brings us to this question: 63 00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:03,915 {\an8}if not football, 64 00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:06,376 {\an8}what sport is safe for our children? 65 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,880 But there are so many club sports 66 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:12,841 that can eat up all our free time. 67 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:13,967 What about baseball? 68 00:02:14,050 --> 00:02:15,260 (scoffs) Baseball-- 69 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,636 rife with steroids! 70 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,096 Then test for steroids! 71 00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,431 Oh, and then there'll be no home runs! 72 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:23,268 -(all arguing) -Um, I think I-I may have a solution. 73 00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:24,269 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 74 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:25,687 What about biathlon? 75 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:28,356 That teaches kids to ski and kill. 76 00:02:28,439 --> 00:02:29,524 How about Frisbee-golf? 77 00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:31,067 If I could just have your attention... 78 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,278 Hey, what about Filipino tooth-fighting? 79 00:02:33,361 --> 00:02:36,281 It builds biting, jaw strength and mouth work. 80 00:02:36,364 --> 00:02:38,449 The champion for a long time was a dog. 81 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,618 (groans) No one is listening to me. 82 00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:41,953 Well, maybe no one wants to hear 83 00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:43,288 your ridiculous idea. 84 00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:45,540 Let's go. We're late for prenatal yoga. 85 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:46,624 Milhouse is ten. 86 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:49,127 Why are we still doing that? 87 00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,461 Poor Kirk. 88 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:51,796 No one listens to him. 89 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,132 Even Luann treats him like garbage. 90 00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,134 (sighs) Love's funny like that. 91 00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:57,177 Help him out. 92 00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,304 Make people listen to his idea. 93 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,513 Oh, why me? 94 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:01,973 I only came to this concert 95 00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:03,808 because I was told it was a potluck. 96 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:04,809 (grunts) 97 00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:07,812 (groans) 98 00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:10,106 (arguing continues) 99 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,650 Attention, smothering parents 100 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,777 who only came to hear themselves talk! 101 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,654 -You're an idiot! -(arguing quiets) 102 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,741 This guy has as much right to bore us 103 00:03:19,824 --> 00:03:21,159 as any of you! 104 00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,577 Take it away, buddy. 105 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,787 (echoing) Buddy, buddy, buddy... 106 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,289 "Buddy." Huh. 107 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,875 Um, I've got an exciting sport 108 00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:31,669 that's great exercise a-and teaches teamwork. 109 00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:32,670 Lacrosse. 110 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,380 -La-what? -What-cross? 111 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:35,506 What-what? 112 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:36,507 Lacrosse. 113 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:40,762 It's the perfect combination of America's two least-watched sports: 114 00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:42,388 soccer and hockey. 115 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,515 (murmuring excitedly) 116 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:46,476 Any kid can learn to play lacrosse. 117 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:47,727 Even this. 118 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,479 (parents gasping) 119 00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:52,190 This isn't a drive-in movie. 120 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:54,359 (parents gasping) 121 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,446 Everybody, 122 00:03:58,529 --> 00:04:01,199 feel free to whip stuff at my son's face. 123 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:03,284 (laughter and indistinct chatter) 124 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:06,704 Yarr. 125 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:07,830 Now, hold on there. 126 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,874 Lacrosse has the second-highest concussion rate, 127 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:11,042 right after football. 128 00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,837 (chanting) Safer than football! 129 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,839 Safer than football! 130 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,883 Hey, why don't we have this fruit-munch 131 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,010 teach our kids this crazy sport? 132 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,971 Me, coach your kids? 133 00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,014 Most of you won't even make eye contact 134 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,267 when I'm weighing your yogurt. 135 00:04:27,350 --> 00:04:28,893 I'll do it. 136 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,104 If Homer will coach with me. 137 00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:32,105 Huh? 138 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:35,400 We've come too far together on this crazy ride. 139 00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,277 It wouldn't feel right to do it without you... 140 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,278 buddy. 141 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,405 (echoing) Buddy, buddy, buddy... 142 00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:41,698 Mm? 143 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,867 Oh, fine, 144 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,577 I'll coach with this guy. 145 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:47,996 But I promise you this: 146 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,707 I will never stop complaining about it. 147 00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:53,042 (cheering) 148 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,253 Stupid sport I never heard of... 149 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,880 make me wake up early on a Saturday... 150 00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,590 probably have to slice oranges... 151 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:00,717 don't even know the rules 152 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,260 because I refuse to learn 'em... 153 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,470 my kids will probably suck at it... 154 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,639 and I'll have to kneel down on photo day, 155 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,433 knees get all wet... 156 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,184 despite my bad attitude, 157 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,562 I'm thrilled by the nonstop action... 158 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,230 kids running towards me 159 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,691 with a look of joy I've never seen before... 160 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:18,234 Dad, we won! 161 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,861 It's okay, kids. 162 00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:22,447 What matters is you tried your best. 163 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:24,073 Have an orange slice. 164 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,616 No, we won! 165 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,910 Yes, we're all winners. 166 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,913 Because losing teaches valuable lessons. 167 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,623 Have an orange slice. 168 00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:33,791 We did it, buddy. 169 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,918 You and I make a great team. 170 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,253 We won for real! 171 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,213 For the first time in our lives, 172 00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:42,300 we can say "good game" and actually mean it. 173 00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:43,551 Good game! 174 00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:44,969 Uh, good game! 175 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,055 Ha! That's loser talk! 176 00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:55,188 (cheering) 177 00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:58,232 (groaning) 178 00:05:59,525 --> 00:06:01,361 Wow, pizza really does 179 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,904 taste sweeter after you win. 180 00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:05,114 (humming happily) 181 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,115 Dude. 182 00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,992 My kids have never won at anything. 183 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,202 All the girl does is read, 184 00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:10,286 and the boy's got one of those 185 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,289 paying attention diseases that isn't really a disease. 186 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:14,999 Awesome job, guys! 187 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:17,293 How do you know so much about lacrosse? 188 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,837 Wait. You want to know about me? 189 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,839 (disinterested mumbling) 190 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,841 Well, it all goes back to my college days, 191 00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:28,721 where I was the star attackman on our lacrosse team. 192 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:29,764 (crowd cheering) 193 00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:31,432 (marching band playing) 194 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,145 I'd even been drafted to play in the pros 195 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,939 for the Milwaukee Zoom. 196 00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:40,525 After scoring the championship-winning goal, 197 00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:42,318 I was on top of the world, man. 198 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,362 I was high-fiving everybody. 199 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:46,197 For the first time in my life, 200 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,866 no one, and I mean no one, was leaving me hanging. 201 00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,034 I was slap-happy, 202 00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,286 I couldn't stop myself, until... 203 00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:56,374 I highed one five too far. 204 00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:58,751 -(metallic clank) -(wrist shattering) 205 00:06:58,835 --> 00:07:02,463 Our school mascot, Sir Gudge-a-lot. 206 00:07:03,589 --> 00:07:04,715 (retching) 207 00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:07,802 My Zoom dream died that day. 208 00:07:07,885 --> 00:07:09,220 Mm... 209 00:07:09,303 --> 00:07:10,304 (grunts angrily) 210 00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,558 Uh... Ah... 211 00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:14,559 (metallic clicking) 212 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,353 My wrist healed, but my wrist in here... 213 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,729 never did. 214 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:21,607 I've never high-fived my own son. 215 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,734 The mascot wore a suit of armor? 216 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:24,902 Just like a knight! 217 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:27,530 Yeah, but now lacrosse has brought us together. 218 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,824 Hey, a toast to new friendship! 219 00:07:29,907 --> 00:07:32,577 Could I get a roll of toilet paper, please? 220 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:35,079 I get nosebleeds when I drink. 221 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,999 To... new... 222 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:39,625 friendship. 223 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,253 Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. 224 00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,629 (Homer snoring) 225 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,215 Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! 226 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,550 Dad, wake up! Wake up! Wake up! 227 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,343 (moaning groggily) 228 00:07:54,056 --> 00:07:54,974 Oof! 229 00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:57,226 (Maggie coos) 230 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,395 It's 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday. 231 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,772 We have a weekend lacrosse tournament! 232 00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:03,357 -(horn honking outside) -There's Coach K! 233 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:04,442 Come on, come on, come on! 234 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:08,696 (Bart and Lisa grunting) 235 00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:09,697 (Lisa chuckles) 236 00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:11,407 (both breathing rapidly) 237 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,201 LISA: Come on, Dad! 238 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,619 (grunts, gasps) 239 00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:18,289 Check out the travel van, brah! (chuckles) 240 00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:19,916 Two days, ten games, 241 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:23,169 700 miles and one sweet mixtape. 242 00:08:23,252 --> 00:08:25,713 I hope you like Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, 243 00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:28,299 'cause this van's about to swing. 244 00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:32,470 ♪ So I think about my next drink ♪ 245 00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:33,679 ♪ And it's you and me ♪ 246 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:34,931 ♪ And the bottle makes three tonight ♪ 247 00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:36,140 Uh... 248 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,642 I'm pretty sure a mixtape 249 00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:40,603 isn't just the same song over and over again. 250 00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:43,481 No, no, dude, they're different live versions. 251 00:08:43,564 --> 00:08:46,442 You can tell because some are longer. 252 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,653 {\an8}-(music stops) -Hey, you want a hit off my vape pen? 253 00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:50,238 {\an8}It tastes like passionfruit, 254 00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,156 {\an8}and people think you're a smoker. 255 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,616 Why would I want that? 256 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:56,327 (chuckling) Don't worry. Marge isn't here. 257 00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:57,662 Oh, speaking of which, 258 00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:01,332 where is the craziest place you two have ever done it? 259 00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:03,709 -What? -Let's both say it at the same time. 260 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,877 One... two... 261 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,671 -Don't! -Chipotle! 262 00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:08,422 There are kids back there! 263 00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:10,007 Oh, they can't hear us. 264 00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:12,969 I got 'em watching classic lacrosse matches. 265 00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:14,220 (crowd cheering) 266 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,847 Textbook ankle-breaker by Gary Gait! 267 00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,767 And Paul Gait with the dip and dunk! 268 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,396 Everyone be sure to fuel up with a rice sandwich. 269 00:09:27,441 --> 00:09:29,277 Mmm. Mmm. 270 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,028 HOMER: Rice in a sandwich? 271 00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,488 That's mush-on-mush. 272 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:35,241 Doesn't this dweeb know kids need bologna to win? 273 00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:38,160 Those sandwiches had so many carbs! 274 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,704 I've never played harder! 275 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,330 Rice power! 276 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,873 (grunts) 277 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:45,042 Uter, watch those alligator arms! 278 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,419 Hug the pipe, Sherri! 279 00:09:46,502 --> 00:09:48,754 Milhouse, gobble and goose! 280 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,050 (cheering) 281 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:56,470 Bart Simpson with the Canadian egg roll! 282 00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:04,061 We won every game. 283 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:07,273 Kirk is like a sports genius who everyone hates. 284 00:10:07,356 --> 00:10:08,983 Worse than Jim Harbaugh? 285 00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:10,818 Well, not that bad. 286 00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,321 I know Kirk's a bit of a dizzy duck, 287 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:16,157 but remember, you're doing this for the kids. 288 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,408 Right, right. The kids. 289 00:10:17,491 --> 00:10:18,826 Everything for the kids. 290 00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,077 (gasps) Oh, God, he's coming! 291 00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:21,203 Hide, Marge. 292 00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:24,749 Oh, good call, buddy. 293 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:25,916 Disco nap. 294 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,418 We got to power up for tonight. 295 00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:28,753 -(chuckles) -Tonight? 296 00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:31,047 Which gentlemen's club should we hit first, 297 00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:33,591 Skin City or the Tassel Castle? 298 00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:34,717 Gentlemen's... 299 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,010 you mean a strip club? 300 00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:38,262 Yeah, Wiggles has great dancers, 301 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,889 but they're kind of stuck up, 302 00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:42,642 if you believe Lap-Aficionado.com. 303 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:44,310 Which, uh-- (chuckles) I do. 304 00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,270 Why would I want to go to a strip club? 305 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,105 I'm married to a naked lady. 306 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:51,609 Drive time to Sapphire Diamond is only 39 minutes. 307 00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,903 That's the fastest it's been all day. 308 00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,529 Hey, wa-- 38 minutes! 309 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,907 Listen, Kirk, I'm a lot of kind of guys-- 310 00:10:57,990 --> 00:10:59,408 a booze guy, 311 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,410 a don't-know-my-kids'-birthdays guy, 312 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,871 a steal-the-blow-dryer- from-the-motel guy, 313 00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:06,749 but I am not a strip-club guy. 314 00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,627 You do want to hang with me, don't you, buddy? 315 00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:10,628 (groans softly) 316 00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,046 I can't do it. 317 00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:15,132 I can't pretend to be this guy's friend for one more second. 318 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,426 I scored three goals today! 319 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,887 I'm a jock. A jock! 320 00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:22,556 I didn't spit on my hand for the post-game handshake. 321 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,517 Hey, pal, I don't like Kirk, either, 322 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:28,145 but look how much fun the kids' heads are having. 323 00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:29,897 (sighs) 324 00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:32,400 Of course I want to hang with you, buddy. 325 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:35,403 But, you know, I'm pretty tired from all those YouTube videos 326 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,571 you showed me about whiskey making. 327 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,407 It gets its color from the barrel. 328 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,158 I know, the barrel. 329 00:11:41,242 --> 00:11:43,077 Let's just get some sleep. 330 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,162 Well, all right. 331 00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,582 Next time we can just rage twice as hard, I guess. 332 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,877 (click, then loud heartbeat) 333 00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,337 What the hell is that? 334 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:56,340 I can't sleep without my white noise machine. 335 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,426 Womb setting. 336 00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,681 (heartbeat continues) 337 00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:07,935 ♪ So I think about my next drink ♪ 338 00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:11,439 ♪ And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight ♪ 339 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:13,858 ♪ Yeah! ♪ 340 00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:15,067 ♪ ♪ 341 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,193 -(tires screech) -(music stops) 342 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,862 Mom, we swept the tourney! 343 00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:22,199 We're playing in the championship against Capital City! 344 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:23,325 (tires peel out) 345 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:24,368 Mwah! 346 00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:25,995 How does it feel to be the assistant coach 347 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,705 of a winning team? 348 00:12:27,788 --> 00:12:30,291 I'm going for a walk. 349 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:32,209 (groans) 350 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,713 Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. 351 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,173 Well, you know what they say, 352 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:41,302 behind every successful man is his assistant coach. 353 00:12:42,386 --> 00:12:45,139 ♪ How can a wife understand ♪ 354 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:47,725 ♪ What it feels like to finally meet a man? ♪ 355 00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:51,187 ♪ The strongest bond a dude could ever know ♪ 356 00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,897 ♪ Whoa, whoa ♪ 357 00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:55,441 ♪ A guy to catch a game with ♪ 358 00:12:55,524 --> 00:12:58,235 ♪ A pal you don't feel lame with ♪ 359 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:02,531 ♪ Life began the day I found my bro ♪ 360 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,910 ♪ I'm just a normal boozer ♪ 361 00:13:05,993 --> 00:13:08,496 ♪ Stuck with this lame loser ♪ 362 00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:11,957 ♪ A dweeb that somehow thinks that I'm his bro ♪ 363 00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:13,417 ♪ Whoa, whoa ♪ 364 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,253 ♪ His eyes are small and beady ♪ 365 00:13:16,337 --> 00:13:18,506 ♪ Staring, oh, so needy ♪ 366 00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:24,094 ♪ How I despise him he will never know ♪ 367 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:27,348 ♪ So much cool stuff we can do as a pair ♪ 368 00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:29,266 ♪ Everything about him is annoying ♪ 369 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:32,228 ♪ Dress as minstrels at the Renaissance fair ♪ 370 00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,271 ♪ He smells like fish oil pills ♪ 371 00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,358 ♪ Foosball Fridays in my man cave ♪ 372 00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,276 ♪ That waitress was not into you ♪ 373 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,029 ♪ Designing the world's best ♪ 374 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,114 ♪ Blues Brothers fan page ♪ 375 00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:46,617 ♪ He wants us to co-host an Oscar party, what the hell? ♪ 376 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,578 ♪ I hate everything about him ♪ 377 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,122 ♪ This clingy fat-nosed jerk ♪ 378 00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:53,791 -♪ I'm glad he can't ♪ -♪ Wish he could ♪ 379 00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:55,417 BOTH: ♪ Hear me sing ♪ 380 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,002 ♪ About this sweaty ♪ 381 00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,254 -♪ Awesome ♪ -♪ Fish oil ♪ 382 00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,630 -♪ Awesome ♪ -♪ I was only pretending ♪ 383 00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:03,801 ♪ To like that stupid dork named... ♪ 384 00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,303 Oh, hi, Kirk. 385 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:07,721 (grunts) 386 00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:11,684 (sad sigh) 387 00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:17,273 {\an8}FOLKSY ANNOUNCER: Springfield, the city 388 00:14:17,356 --> 00:14:19,733 {\an8}that lives and dies by youth lacrosse, 389 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:22,152 {\an8}a sport we first learned about five weeks ago. 390 00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:25,072 {\an8}And with just two hours left until face off against Capital City, 391 00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:27,616 {\an8}the countdown clock is ticking away. 392 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,911 {\an8}As always, laying out all the information you need to know, 393 00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:33,372 {\an8}this is WXPO "The Pipe." 394 00:14:33,455 --> 00:14:37,334 (cheering) 395 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:40,254 And now the man responsible for this miracle on grass, 396 00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,756 the "Priest of the Crease," "The Riceman Cometh," 397 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,258 Coach K! 398 00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:48,512 (confused noises) 399 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:52,683 Hmm, it's not like Kirk to miss such an important pre-game rally. 400 00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:55,519 Yeah, well, better get slicing on these oranges. 401 00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:57,021 Where is that coach? 402 00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:58,647 If we lose this game, 403 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,524 I have to give the mayor of Capital City 404 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:03,027 a crate of Springfield apricots. 405 00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,195 We grow no apricots! 406 00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:06,363 Kirk is missing. 407 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:07,990 I haven't seen him since he left home 408 00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,451 happily singing about his friendship with you. 409 00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:11,994 (humming nervously) 410 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,996 Dad, what do you know? 411 00:15:14,079 --> 00:15:15,247 What? Nothing! 412 00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:18,292 I don't-- oh, oh... 413 00:15:18,375 --> 00:15:19,543 All right. 414 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:23,047 The truth is your husband and your father 415 00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:25,174 is a soul-sucking loser who found out 416 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:28,886 I was only pretending to be his friend for the sake of the team. 417 00:15:28,969 --> 00:15:31,597 But-- But why did he empty out our bank account, 418 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,515 and all in one-dollar bills? 419 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:34,767 Oh, no. 420 00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,810 There's only one thing a man like Kirk wants 421 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,395 with that many singles. 422 00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,522 To hand out to the poor? 423 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:41,523 Worse. 424 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,442 To bring to a strip club. 425 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,402 I'll go get him. 426 00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,446 -I'll also get him. -No, me! Me! 427 00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:48,822 I just need to go home and put on 428 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,532 my special sweat pants. 429 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,827 No, it's my husband's fault that Kirk has run off 430 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:57,247 to that jiggle joint, and only he can get him out. 431 00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:58,332 Me? 432 00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,751 But those places are filled with creeps. 433 00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,920 Plus, all the chairs face the stage. 434 00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:04,421 What if I want to have a conversation 435 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,839 with another patron? 436 00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:07,424 Come on, Dad, you've got to do it! 437 00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,927 Without Coach K, we can't play in the championship! 438 00:16:10,010 --> 00:16:11,887 Look at the countdown clock. 439 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,181 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: Countdown clock brought to you by Ray's Steaks. 440 00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,266 {\an8}When you want to raise some stakes, 441 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:18,352 {\an8}head over to Ray's... Steaks. 442 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:21,814 (chanting) Save Coach K! Save Coach K! 443 00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:23,983 Save Coach K! 444 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:27,111 Save Coach K! Save Coach K! 445 00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,113 As your wife, I'm begging you, 446 00:16:29,196 --> 00:16:33,283 if you ever loved me, go to that strip club. 447 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:34,785 ♪ ♪ 448 00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:38,038 (cheering) 449 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,918 (dog howls) 450 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,920 (groans) 451 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,006 ♪ ♪ 452 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,389 {\an8}HOMER: Oh, guys. 453 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:59,143 (tires screech) 454 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,394 (groans) 455 00:17:00,477 --> 00:17:02,396 (rock music playing inside) 456 00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:04,314 (angry groan) Okay. 457 00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:06,859 All I got to do is go in, get the pervert, 458 00:17:06,942 --> 00:17:09,236 and bring him back to a park full of children. 459 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:10,988 Hey, I'm looking for my friend. 460 00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,991 Bald middle-aged guy, sad paunch, given up on life. 461 00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:15,492 It's 10:00 in the morning. 462 00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:16,702 Take your pick. 463 00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:17,911 (depressed groaning) 464 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:19,997 -Oh, boy. -Oh, man. 465 00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:23,000 -(worried moan) -WOMAN: Hello. 466 00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:25,419 -Uh, no, thank you. -Hey there, big guy. 467 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:26,670 No, thank you. 468 00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:29,423 Happily married man with no cash coming through. 469 00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:30,966 (panting) 470 00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,009 Made it. 471 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:33,927 Nothing in this place can tempt me. 472 00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:35,804 (moans) 473 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,222 Oh, baby, yes. 474 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,516 Those legs go on forever. 475 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,185 (moans) 476 00:17:41,268 --> 00:17:42,853 Where are they? 477 00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,189 Maybe we shouldn't have sent Homer Simpson 478 00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:47,107 into that den of sin. 479 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:49,234 My husband's a good man. 480 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,611 He can do this. 481 00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:51,820 (chewing sounds) 482 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,490 Oh, worst food I've ever had. 483 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:55,866 So much... 484 00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,868 Is that guy still in the champagne room? 485 00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,703 He hasn't slept in days. 486 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:02,498 He brought a cooler of rice sandwiches. 487 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,374 He says they give him energy. 488 00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:08,045 Wait, who do I know that likes rice sandwiches? 489 00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:12,341 (gasps) Bart's friend's dad! 490 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,218 So anyway, they can't call it bourbon 491 00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:16,053 unless it's from Kentucky. 492 00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:19,556 -See, American bourbon... -He's not a loser paying for lap dances, 493 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,351 he's a loser paying for listening. 494 00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,353 Kirk, we've got to go. 495 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,480 The big game is about to start. 496 00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:28,398 Come on... buddy? 497 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,859 Oh, now I'm your buddy again, huh? 498 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,736 Well, guess what, buddy? 499 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:36,073 Carmeleena and Bodacious are my true friends. 500 00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,826 Nothing, nothing that we had was real. 501 00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:40,994 Well, it was all fake. 502 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:44,081 But, damn it, somehow you turned our fat, lazy, loser kids 503 00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:45,415 into winners. 504 00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:48,001 Kirk Van Houten, I don't like you. 505 00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,754 But I respect you. 506 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:51,922 Respect? 507 00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:53,423 That's the one thing you can't buy 508 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,259 in a place like this. 509 00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:56,468 (loud peeling) 510 00:18:56,552 --> 00:18:59,346 I've got to get to that game! 511 00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:02,391 Hey, that's a great realization you had there, pally. 512 00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,226 Now if we could just settle this up, eh? 513 00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:06,311 $15,000? 514 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:10,566 12 lap-dances an hour, times three girls, times 56 hours, 515 00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:13,193 pole tax, glitter recycling fee. 516 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,611 It's quite a ride. 517 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:15,654 (grunts) 518 00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:16,947 -Run! -(men coughing) 519 00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:19,032 ♪ ♪ 520 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:21,952 (nervously groaning) 521 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,787 (yells) DJs! 522 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:24,788 Uh-oh, 523 00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:26,165 Japanese businessmen! 524 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,043 ATM with giant service fee! 525 00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:33,297 Aw, we'll never make it to the game. 526 00:19:33,380 --> 00:19:36,466 Our kids were depending on us, and we let them down. 527 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,677 You let them down. You. 528 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,095 Did you say kids? 529 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,847 We all have kids. 530 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:43,807 We'd do anything for 'em. 531 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,642 -(babies cooing) -(nursery music plays) 532 00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:49,813 Come on, working moms, let's get these dads to that game. 533 00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,732 I'm sorry, kids, but your coaches aren't here. 534 00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:53,066 You're going to have to forfeit. 535 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:56,278 And now to blow this whistle and make it official. 536 00:19:58,572 --> 00:19:59,990 It's the Strip-a-copter! 537 00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:02,951 I mean, it's a helicopter I've never rented before. 538 00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:07,789 Helmet up, kids. 539 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,667 Let's win ourselves a championship. 540 00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,837 Who wants orange slices? 541 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,255 (cheering) 542 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:16,924 ALL: Yay! 543 00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:21,511 No matter how bad our kids screw up the rest of their lives, 544 00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,847 they'll always have this moment. 545 00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:26,350 Buddy, you deserve this. 546 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:27,517 (exclaims quietly) 547 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,019 -(bones cracking) -(Homer and Kirk scream) 548 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,729 Just because we're in traction 549 00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:33,523 doesn't mean this hospital room can't swing. 550 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:37,903 ♪ So I think about my next drink ♪ 551 00:20:37,986 --> 00:20:40,322 ♪ And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight ♪ 552 00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:41,448 (muffled groaning) 553 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,033 ♪ Yeah! ♪ 554 00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:45,911 ♪ What do you mean it's last call? ♪ 555 00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,215 {\an8}Hey, guys, I know all you "Crushin' It" fans 556 00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:01,218 {\an8}are super pumped for my latest crush video. 557 00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:03,387 {\an8}Sorry, no contest winner this week. 558 00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:05,055 {\an8}Remember, to qualify, 559 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:08,058 {\an8}you have to be a subscriber and leave a comment. 560 00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:10,936 {\an8}Now, the secret to the ultimate rice sammy 561 00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:14,731 {\an8}is to make sure the rice is really wet, li-like soaking. 562 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:15,732 {\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing) 563 00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,276 {\an8}(chews and slurps) 564 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,402 {\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing) 565 00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:21,363 {\an8}So after going in to find it a third time, 566 00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:24,616 {\an8}they just decided to leave the colonoscopy camera inside... 567 00:21:24,700 --> 00:21:25,617 {\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing) 568 00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:26,910 {\an8}Five words: 569 00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:29,204 {\an8}jet fuel can't melt steel. 570 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,539 {\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing) 571 00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:32,207 {\an8}When I held the door for that guy 572 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,835 {\an8}and he didn't even say thank you, I just lost it! 573 00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:35,919 {\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing) 574 00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:39,339 {\an8}Oh, man, Milwaukee would've been so sweet. 575 00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:41,591 {\an8}The Zoom were the kings of that town! 576 00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:42,801 {\an8}(high-pitched scrubbing) 577 00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:44,136 {\an8}(snoring) 578 00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:49,057 -(murmuring) -Shh! 579 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,022 Subtitled by C. Hazzard