1 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:04,629 {\an8}-CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ -Whoa, look out. 2 00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:06,214 {\an8}(both shout) 3 00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:08,383 (theme music playing) 4 00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:10,552 Hey, where's our sailboat? 5 00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:13,555 Oh. It really tied the room together. 6 00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:16,933 Yes. That painting was great. 7 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,977 Derivative, amateur seascape. 8 00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:22,147 Maybe another animated show stole it! 9 00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:25,734 (gasps) We'll see about that! 10 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:27,736 Or maybe I sold it on Craigslist. 11 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:29,487 Both things are equally possible. 12 00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:30,822 This a TV show, 13 00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:33,700 or did I walk into a third grade shoebox diorama? 14 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:35,410 Did you steal my painting? 15 00:00:35,493 --> 00:00:37,495 (angry muttering, bleeping) 16 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,416 (chuckles) 17 00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:44,127 Out of the mouths of babes. 18 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,672 ♪ We're in the cookies you hate to eat ♪ 19 00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:51,468 ♪ An unpleasant surprise when you trick-or-treat... ♪ 20 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,094 Boo! Boo! 21 00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:55,430 Snacks should be bad for you! 22 00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:57,432 (high-pitched yells) 23 00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:59,434 (grunting) 24 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:09,235 -(screams) -(screams) 25 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,905 Ew, what smells like comic books and loneliness? 26 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:15,200 -(gasps) -Oh, uh, certainly not this cool cat. 27 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,493 Nope. That was spot-on. 28 00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:18,161 But today I don't care. 29 00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:20,038 -Look what I got! -My painting! 30 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:23,124 The pièce de résistance of my memorabilia collection! 31 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,876 Not since I was the winning bidder 32 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:27,253 on a Ziploc full of Jonathan Frakes' beard trimmings 33 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:28,797 have I been so-- Aw, dang it. 34 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,341 Ooh! Gross! Raisin blood! 35 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:32,967 -(Homer grunting) -(kids yelling) 36 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:35,970 (panting) 37 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,348 Oh, I did it. 38 00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:39,933 Oh, (bleep). 39 00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:42,018 ♪ ♪ 40 00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:48,066 {\an8}Bart and I haven't always been 41 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:49,776 {\an8}-the best of friends. -Ah! 42 00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:51,903 {\an8}And we're here to tell you a story of a time 43 00:01:51,986 --> 00:01:54,280 {\an8}-when we reallydidn't get along. -Oh-oh-oh-oh! 44 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:56,074 {\an8}But we found our way! 45 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,785 {\an8}-And we like each other better than ever! -(exclaims) 46 00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:00,954 {\an8}Way to spoil the ending, nerd-burger. 47 00:02:01,037 --> 00:02:03,706 {\an8}Mmm, nerd-burger. 48 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:04,874 {\an8}It all began 49 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,793 {\an8}-on the hottest summer on record. -Ah! 50 00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:09,254 {\an8}After years of pollution in Springfield Bay, 51 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,506 {\an8}I am honored to announce that these waters 52 00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:13,049 {\an8}are now safe to swim in. 53 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,592 {\an8}(cheering) 54 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:18,304 {\an8}Huzzah for a cleaner Springfield! 55 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,931 {\an8}Er, uh, it's not cleaner. 56 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:22,142 {\an8}We just lowered the safety standards. 57 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:23,476 {\an8}(cheering) 58 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,145 {\an8}Yay! 59 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:27,897 {\an8}(sizzling) 60 00:02:29,065 --> 00:02:31,568 {\an8}Okay, who's up for a day at the beach? 61 00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:34,487 {\an8}I got all the beach I want with Anzio Beach Invasion. 62 00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:39,993 {\an8}Pathetic! I was there, and it was nothing like that. 63 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,579 {\an8}(Grampa gasps) I surrender! 64 00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:46,749 {\an8}I'll go in first so they won't know it's a trap. 65 00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:49,419 {\an8}Yoink. Yoink. 66 00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:50,628 {\an8}Movado! 67 00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:52,130 {\an8}(humming) 68 00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:58,386 {\an8}(laughter) 69 00:02:58,469 --> 00:03:00,263 {\an8}(Homer whimpering) 70 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,893 {\an8}Well, that is the most disgusting thing 71 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:07,103 {\an8}I've ever seen on a beach. 72 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,314 {\an8}Kind of sad, really. 73 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,650 {\an8}(sighs) 74 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,110 {\an8}A booger? 75 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:17,822 {\an8}-Real mature, guys, real mature. -(both snickering) 76 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,282 {\an8}A booger! 77 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:22,577 {\an8}A human booger, indeed. 78 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,579 Dolphin. Weak. 79 00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:26,247 Skull. Cliché. 80 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,249 "I'd rather be fishing." Not true. 81 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,668 The bone? 82 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,921 That's exactly what I'm bad to. 83 00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:37,258 {\an8}Hmm. 84 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,053 {\an8}(gasps) 85 00:03:40,136 --> 00:03:43,640 {\an8}♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ 86 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:47,518 {\an8}♪ Then we wouldn't have to wait so long ♪ 87 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:51,272 {\an8}♪ And wouldn't it be nice to live together ♪ 88 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:55,568 {\an8}♪ In the kind of world where we belong? ♪ 89 00:03:56,527 --> 00:04:00,281 {\an8}♪ You know it's gonna make it that much better... ♪ 90 00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,825 {\an8}(gasps) I'll take it! 91 00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:06,579 {\an8}(pacifier squeaking) 92 00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:13,920 {\an8}Geronimo! 93 00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:19,592 {\an8}It said "water-resistant." 94 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,094 {\an8}It resisted nothing! 95 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:22,553 {\an8}Whee! 96 00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:25,306 {\an8}Whoa! Dope hat! 97 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,809 {\an8}And check out my gnarly new tat! 98 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,895 No fair! I'm bad to the bone! 99 00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:32,814 (sobbing) 100 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:38,403 (women grunting) 101 00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,488 -Mmm! -Okay, that's it. 102 00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,240 Marge, I'm watching sports! 103 00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:44,284 Really? What's the score? 104 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:47,412 Uh, the, uh, Boobs are beating the Butts. 105 00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:49,998 I don't think that's the official terminology. 106 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,165 (grunts) 107 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,625 Oh! 108 00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:55,920 Maybe you should watch this sport instead. 109 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,589 Hmm. Mm-mm-mm. 110 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,341 What do you know? 111 00:05:02,343 --> 00:05:04,387 Checkmate. Ha! 112 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:06,931 It's the only mate I haven't buried. 113 00:05:08,182 --> 00:05:10,393 Hey, Blobby Fischer, you're up. 114 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,520 Do you even know the names of the pieces? 115 00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:14,731 Of course. There's the King, 116 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:17,025 Mrs. King, the Lightbulb Babies, 117 00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:19,319 the Mini Ashtray, Slit Face. 118 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:22,947 And who could forget Dr. Horse? 119 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,365 Want to put a 20 on it? 120 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,743 Make it a 22. 121 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,037 (chuckles) 122 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:30,997 Checkmate. 123 00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:37,337 (chuckles) Another victim of the Budapest Gambit. 124 00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,047 How can Dad play chess? 125 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:41,549 He can't even remember the rules to Chutes and Ladders. 126 00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:42,800 I do so! 127 00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:44,635 You always think ladders go down. 128 00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:46,054 You can go down a ladder. 129 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:48,097 Oh, God, not this again. 130 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,516 -HOMER: I go down ladders all the time. -Homer, when did you learn to play chess? 131 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,311 The truth is, my dad and I used to play. 132 00:05:53,394 --> 00:05:55,772 (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) 133 00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:03,279 (ticking) 134 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,785 He won't stop doing it. 135 00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,787 That's jive, man. 136 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,706 But I don't want to talk about it. 137 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,833 (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) 138 00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:22,507 Whoa! Sweet lid, Lisa. 139 00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:24,175 Well, I'm bad to the bone. 140 00:06:24,258 --> 00:06:25,635 I see no proof of that. 141 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,387 Oh, yeah? Just look at this. 142 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,222 -(grunts) -(screeches) 143 00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,390 -(shouting) -Haw haw! 144 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,892 Bart's getting beat up by a beach turkey! 145 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:36,229 (sighs) 146 00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:38,147 (groans) 147 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:40,817 Hmm. 148 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,903 Okay, a few ground rules. 149 00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:47,156 Everything I say, I want five of. 150 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,866 Five Krusty Burgers... 151 00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,993 SQUEAKY-VOICED TEEN: Got it. Five Krusty Burgers. 152 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,079 No! I thought I was clear. 153 00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:55,164 25 Krusty Burgers! 154 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,458 125 Krusty Burgers? 155 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,752 No! That's not what I... Fine. 156 00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:03,297 BART: (thinking) Can I really toss this thing she's so crazy about? 157 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:06,008 Damn right I can! I'm bad to the bone! 158 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,343 (grunts) 159 00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,179 (growling) 160 00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:13,182 (chuckles) 161 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:19,605 -Who the hell are you? -I'm your guilt. 162 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:22,692 -I don't have any guilt. -You do now. 163 00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:24,944 Don't worry, Bart. I'll protect you. 164 00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:26,446 I'm denial. 165 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,364 (crack) 166 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,116 Ay, caramba! 167 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:37,290 ♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ 168 00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:41,252 ♪ Then we wouldn't have to wait so long? ♪ 169 00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:43,754 (gasps) My hat! 170 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,840 ♪ ♪ 171 00:07:52,096 --> 00:07:53,639 Sunny? 172 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,058 ♪ ♪ 173 00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:11,073 Uh, no. 174 00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:12,825 Uh-uh. 175 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,452 Oh. 176 00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,412 (gasps) No. 177 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,997 Nope. 178 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,457 Not even close. 179 00:08:26,422 --> 00:08:28,132 Do you have any more yellow hats? 180 00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,551 You mean like the one you looked really good in? 181 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,470 -Yes. -No. 182 00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:34,764 Oh... 183 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,682 (groaning) 184 00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,937 (groans) You're still here? 185 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,980 No offense, but you look worse. 186 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:47,193 Your lack of remorse just makes me grow. 187 00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:49,612 -(gasps) -Now you're gettin' it. 188 00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,742 Ha! Joke's on you-- I like gross things. 189 00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,118 Hmm. 190 00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,912 (grunting) 191 00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:00,873 (laughs) Again! Again! 192 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:05,503 {\an8}And that leads to mate in three! 193 00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:08,005 {\an8}I've got to say, it's so exciting 194 00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:10,424 {\an8}to find out something new about you. 195 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,677 {\an8}Hey, I'm full of surprises. 196 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,470 {\an8}Ooh. Name another. 197 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:15,721 Actually, that's it. 198 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:18,140 Tell me something I don't know about you. 199 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,142 Okay. 200 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,561 Sometimes when I sweep, 201 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,188 I make little sweeping noises with my mouth. 202 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:25,940 (whooshing) 203 00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:29,360 Oh, here comes the dustpan. 204 00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:32,238 -(gasps) -(both moaning) 205 00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:34,699 I can't find Sunny anywhere. 206 00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,326 Sunny? No! We got to find Sunny! 207 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:40,037 Where-- Wait. The baby's name is Maggie. 208 00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:46,627 Hey, beach bums. Man, did I crash last night. 209 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:49,213 Always sleep well after riding the waves. 210 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,299 Ah... 211 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:54,093 Have you seen your sister's hat? 212 00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:58,306 Oh, did-did she have a hat? I-I don't remember any hat. 213 00:09:58,389 --> 00:09:59,640 Her name was Sunny, 214 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:02,727 and I loved her more than any girl ever loved a hat! 215 00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:05,938 (gasps) Even Madeline from the Madeline books? 216 00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:09,900 She only wore that because it was part of her uniform. 217 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,569 Ask Pepito. 218 00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,031 Mmm. 219 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:20,870 Hey, hey, hey, I do not like to see that going on in my bar. 220 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,666 {\an8}Lenny, knight takes queen. 221 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,543 {\an8}Barney, mate in four. 222 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,129 {\an8}Homer! You're playing like Polugaevsky 223 00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:32,715 {\an8}at Mar del Plata. (belches) 224 00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:35,718 Yeah, Homer, you're some kind of an idiot savant. 225 00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:37,887 Hey, I don't come here to be insulted. 226 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:40,348 Homer, we're just saying youse got a special skill, 227 00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:43,684 like a smokin' monkey or a urinal cake with an ad on it. 228 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:46,228 Don't tell me you're not flattered by those analogies. 229 00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:49,231 (sputters) You guys think you're so hot. 230 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:51,317 I could fit in a piece of carry-on luggage. 231 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,402 Oh-ho, I'd like to see that. 232 00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:59,659 {\an8}Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 233 00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:03,204 {\an8}Oh, no. I'm alone with my thoughts. 234 00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:04,372 {\an8}No. No, no, no. 235 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,666 {\an8}The healthiest thing is for me to let myself out. 236 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,417 {\an8}Oh, sure thing, pal. 237 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,879 Here you go. 238 00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:16,008 So, Homer, how did you get so good at chess? 239 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:17,718 I played against my dad. 240 00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,345 Uh, was that fun? 241 00:11:22,431 --> 00:11:25,226 It was, until I learned the pieces weren't licorice. 242 00:11:25,309 --> 00:11:26,811 (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) 243 00:11:26,894 --> 00:11:29,522 HOMER: We played every day after my mother left us, 244 00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:31,232 and he won every time. 245 00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:34,902 And every time he won, he laughed that horrible laugh. 246 00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,737 (laughing) 247 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:38,322 Aw, Mona. 248 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,241 (laughing) 249 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:45,079 HOMER: So I found a professor who lived nearby, 250 00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:47,998 a master of the game, kind, patient, 251 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,583 devoted to me. 252 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:52,086 I went every day. 253 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,840 You are ready now. 254 00:11:55,923 --> 00:11:57,800 Thanks for the lessons, Professor. 255 00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:01,095 You remind me of my son. 256 00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:04,014 -Oh. Where is he now? -He's... 257 00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:05,391 right over there. 258 00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,727 He just doesn't like chess. 259 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,647 HOMER: I went back to play my dad. 260 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,607 We had a beautiful thing here, 261 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,026 and you had to ruin it by getting good! 262 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,737 No more chess in this house! 263 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,447 But, Dad, it's our thing. 264 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,990 Well, we'll find another thing. 265 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,743 You listen to the radiator hiss while I drink whiskey 266 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,536 under this naked lightbulb. 267 00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:27,246 (radiator hissing) 268 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:32,084 It was a sad life, but I wasn't affected. 269 00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,422 (dog barks mournfully) 270 00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:38,132 ♪ They bite and fight and bite ♪ 271 00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:39,508 ♪ Fight, fight, fight, bite, bite, bite ♪ 272 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,595 ♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show ♪ 273 00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:46,307 I brought you more lasagna, cousin. 274 00:12:46,390 --> 00:12:47,933 Mmm. 275 00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:51,812 (laughs) 276 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:55,399 You know these cartoons are made by exploiting Korean children? 277 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,985 You ruin everything. 278 00:12:58,068 --> 00:12:59,320 (saxophone note plays) 279 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:02,198 (snoring, groaning) 280 00:13:02,281 --> 00:13:03,532 (blows note) 281 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,992 (snoring, groaning) 282 00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:06,243 (plays higher note) 283 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,204 (sighs) 284 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:10,915 (gasps) Bart? What is it? 285 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:14,168 Um, listen, I have... I have to tell you something. 286 00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:17,421 I-I was jealous, and I-I threw your hat away. 287 00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:18,923 (gasps loudly) 288 00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:21,675 Oh, that went a lot better than I thought. 289 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:24,261 -Why did you do it? -I don't know. 290 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,847 The important thing is you got to forgive me right now. 291 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,224 I feel kind of guilty. 292 00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:31,060 Then I hope your guilt will grow... 293 00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:33,145 and grow... 294 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,814 and grow. 295 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:38,150 And no matter how much you try to pretty it up... 296 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:43,489 it'll still be the most hideous thing you could imagine! 297 00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:46,951 (screams) 298 00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:50,120 Nerds! Get 'em! 299 00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,205 -(Homer groans) -(Marge screams) 300 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,460 A cupcake? Please. 301 00:13:57,753 --> 00:13:59,296 {\an8}No. 302 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,507 {\an8}Mm-mm. 303 00:14:01,590 --> 00:14:03,050 {\an8}So what? 304 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,719 I'm truly sorry, Bart, 305 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:08,180 but it's a wound nothing can heal. 306 00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,559 {\an8}A bunny and a hammer? 307 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:14,019 {\an8}Well, my mom did say bring home dinner. 308 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,521 {\an8}(hums) 309 00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:21,527 Homer, listen, hey, I got something very scary to tell you. 310 00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:24,196 Now, I was on this alt-suicide subreddit, 311 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,656 you know, just-just checking in, 312 00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:28,659 and I found out why you are so good at chess. 313 00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,119 Go on. 314 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:34,290 Chess represents your desire to kill your father. 315 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,542 What the... That's ridiculous! 316 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:39,169 Now, I'm here to bowl! (groans) 317 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,338 You'll end up in the gutter! 318 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:45,175 Oh, my head! Oh! I'll sue! 319 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,760 I can't afford the copay! 320 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:49,013 Won't someone reset us?! 321 00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:51,015 Well, at least I'm safe. 322 00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,892 (grunting) 323 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:55,769 (gasps) 324 00:14:57,938 --> 00:15:00,024 I'm in luck! It's still here! 325 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,153 (gasps) My hat! 326 00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:07,281 Aah! My car! And my house. 327 00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:18,834 Homer, before you give up, 328 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:22,463 I Skyped someone who knows a little bit about chess. 329 00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,632 Oh, I don't think any chess master 330 00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:28,469 or even international master could understand how I feel. 331 00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:31,388 I'm world chess champion Magnus Carlsen. 332 00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:34,224 (gasps) I understand Norwegian! 333 00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:38,354 When I heard a fellow chess player had a mental problem, I Skyped at once. 334 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:39,980 I'm not a chess player anymore. 335 00:15:40,064 --> 00:15:42,524 From now on, I'm only playing Stratego! 336 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,110 I cannot play Stratego-- I'm scared of the bomb. 337 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,737 Yeah, tell me about it. 338 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,573 Homer, I'm afraid you cannot run away from chess. 339 00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:52,910 The reason I got into chess was because it didn't involve running. 340 00:15:52,993 --> 00:15:55,579 I share your disdain for exercise. 341 00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,040 Now I will say something with all the emotion 342 00:15:58,123 --> 00:15:59,959 a Norwegian can muster. 343 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,297 To find your true feelings, 344 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,925 you must finish your final chess match with your father. 345 00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,344 -(gasps) -I'm sorry, you cut out for a second. 346 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:12,680 Did you gasp? Then you will nod. 347 00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:14,682 Then you will eat a piece of cheese 348 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,266 while the wife doesn't look. 349 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,186 {\an8}Then you will undo the top button of your pants. 350 00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,230 {\an8}I'm always three moves ahead. 351 00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,441 -(tires screech) -D'oh! 352 00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:27,820 Okay, I don't have to move the cube. 353 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:29,488 I just have to get the hat out. 354 00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,031 Ga-der! 355 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:34,868 I never thought I'd sink this low, but I need help from God. 356 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:38,163 Let our faith lift up this cube, Lord. 357 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:40,416 Huh? 358 00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:43,502 Aw. Thanks for nothing. 359 00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:52,177 {\an8}-(sizzling) -Huh? 360 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:55,472 {\an8}The soda ate right through the metal! Just glad I'm not a car. 361 00:16:57,599 --> 00:17:00,019 {\an8}Ah. I just have to get more. 362 00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:01,854 {\an8}(sizzling) 363 00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:06,567 -Hit it, boys! -(both praying indistinctly) 364 00:17:06,650 --> 00:17:08,819 ♪ ♪ 365 00:17:08,902 --> 00:17:10,404 And... evil thoughts. 366 00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:12,573 -(both gasp) -(sizzling) 367 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,455 Boys, are you performing miracles? 368 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,874 Jesus is performing them through us. 369 00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:23,333 Well, all right, then. 370 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:29,006 I'm here to play chess, we're gonna play chess, 371 00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,508 -and not another word! -I play chess? 372 00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:34,094 ♪ ♪ 373 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,114 An excellent move by Homer. 374 00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:55,866 (cheering) 375 00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:58,243 A stout defense by Grampa. 376 00:17:58,327 --> 00:17:59,828 (cheering) 377 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,539 Doesn't anyone want to watch the Super Bowl? 378 00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,249 Get lost! 379 00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:07,377 MAGNUS: Homer has a win in hand. 380 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,838 He merely needs to take Grampa's knight. 381 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:13,342 Oh, he's gonna be a new man. A new man, you hear me? 382 00:18:13,425 --> 00:18:15,803 Can I go? It's, like, 4:00 a.m. for me. 383 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,138 Sure. Fine. Uh, who is that guy? 384 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,724 Magnus Carlsen-- my cousin. 385 00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:24,228 {\an8}♪ ♪ 386 00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:34,321 HOMER: (thinking) Isn't a father more important than a victory? 387 00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:36,448 I've never really known either. 388 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:42,162 You resign?! 389 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,623 Dad, Dad, it seems I love you. 390 00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:46,917 Can't you say it seems you love me, too? 391 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,336 Aw... my son loves me. 392 00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:51,004 Now I can die in peace. 393 00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:53,257 -Really? -Hold your horses! 394 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:57,261 (panting) Lisa! Stupid Lisa! 395 00:18:57,344 --> 00:18:58,846 I've got something to show you! 396 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:00,556 I found Sunny! 397 00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,141 I don't want the hat anymore. 398 00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:04,810 What? You really don't have any choice in the matter. 399 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:08,397 -Here! -I told you, the wound won't heal. 400 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,151 Your best bet is to forget me and start fresh with Maggie. 401 00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:15,237 She likes raisins, Bart. Give her raisins. 402 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,869 (groans) 403 00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:26,415 ♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? ♪ 404 00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:28,292 ♪ Then we wouldn't have... ♪ 405 00:19:28,375 --> 00:19:30,919 He's trying to be nice. 406 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,005 (sobbing) 407 00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:34,798 Now what's your problem? 408 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:37,467 Oh, shut up! I forgive you! 409 00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:39,803 -You forgive me? -(stifling sobs) 410 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:42,973 Yes. In the right hat, anything is possible. 411 00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:44,224 (both sigh) 412 00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:48,979 Why does everyone feel so good when I leave?! 413 00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:51,440 (grunts) 414 00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:55,027 (snarls) 415 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:57,237 Ooh-hoo-hoo! This will come in handy. 416 00:19:57,321 --> 00:19:59,615 ♪ ♪ 417 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,033 What's going on here? 418 00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:02,618 Bart and I are friends again. 419 00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:03,785 (chuckles) 420 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,955 I do some of my best fathering when I'm not around. 421 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,584 -Hey, who are you? -Oh, you'll find out. 422 00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:12,586 -(chuckles) -Listen, pal, 423 00:20:12,669 --> 00:20:14,296 I have plenty of demons. 424 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,839 Get in line. 425 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,341 -How you doing? -Drunk! 426 00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:18,926 Hey, I thought you were sloth. 427 00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:21,386 Sloths can be drunk. 428 00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:27,142 So we learned Bart has a conscience. 429 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,393 Haw haw! 430 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:30,062 (singsongy) You have a conscience! 431 00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:31,855 -(grunts) -Closed set! 432 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,732 My mom's dating your gaffer. 433 00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:35,317 Jack! Is that true? 434 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,402 I'm... not proud of it. 435 00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:41,657 You seemed pretty proud when you ate all our ramen noodles. 436 00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,742 (Mozart's "Requiem" playing) 437 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,249 {\an8}Listen, I got to know. Do you chess guys get groupies? 438 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,292 {\an8}Homer, I wish you could stop. 439 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,878 {\an8}-These Skypes aren't free. -Yes, they are. 440 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,964 {\an8}I still don't want to talk to you. 441 00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:00,425 (theme music playing) 442 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,579 -(crowd murmuring) -Shh! 443 00:21:32,332 --> 00:21:34,960 Subtitled by Brooke McDonald